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1
00:00:00,535 --> 00:00:01,702
Oh, my goodness.
2
00:00:01,737 --> 00:00:03,004
This dude Brian Nicholera
I went to high school with
3
00:00:03,038 --> 00:00:05,706
just friended me, he just moved
here. Oh, my God.
4
00:00:05,741 --> 00:00:08,009
People from high school
only friend you, like,
5
00:00:08,043 --> 00:00:10,845
after business hours if they wanna hook up.
6
00:00:10,879 --> 00:00:12,780
Really? I had a huge crush on him.
7
00:00:12,814 --> 00:00:15,449
Oh, you should ask him
out. I can't just do that.
8
00:00:15,484 --> 00:00:18,719
Oh, my God, he "likes" "Roseanne."
9
00:00:18,754 --> 00:00:19,954
Okay, this is--
10
00:00:19,988 --> 00:00:22,023
This is your new sexual partner.
11
00:00:22,057 --> 00:00:24,325
All right, I'm asking him out.
12
00:00:24,359 --> 00:00:27,661
I'm just gonna do it. Do it.
13
00:00:27,696 --> 00:00:29,163
This is so great.
14
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:32,933
Like, why are we waiting for
guys to come to us, Ilana?
15
00:00:32,968 --> 00:00:35,503
Did Amelia Earhart wait to be
16
00:00:35,537 --> 00:00:36,937
asked to fly around the world?
17
00:00:36,972 --> 00:00:38,906
Definitely not.
18
00:00:38,940 --> 00:00:40,775
She asked.
19
00:00:40,809 --> 00:00:42,710
And then they said no.
20
00:00:42,744 --> 00:00:44,278
But she still did it.
21
00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:46,447
And she died, but she, like, died doing it.
22
00:00:46,481 --> 00:00:47,748
(Abbi) Exactly.
23
00:00:47,783 --> 00:00:49,417
I'm doing it again,
I'm asking someone else out.
24
00:00:49,451 --> 00:00:51,485
This is the Abbi I love and fell in love with
25
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:52,820
and I'm obsessed with.
26
00:00:52,854 --> 00:00:53,988
Skylar Cummings- Conkelmann,
27
00:00:54,022 --> 00:00:55,222
I used to babysit for him.
28
00:00:55,257 --> 00:00:56,757
He was adorable.
29
00:00:56,792 --> 00:00:58,459
He's...
30
00:00:58,493 --> 00:01:00,327
Yeah, he's 20, that's acceptable.
31
00:01:00,362 --> 00:01:01,896
Troy Megliarino.
32
00:01:01,930 --> 00:01:05,099
He spent a hot sec in jail,
but he lives in South Jersey
33
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:07,101
and I know he'd steal a car
and come up for the night.
34
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,603
Chris Wazcyleski, he was a nude model
35
00:01:09,638 --> 00:01:11,539
in my life drawing class and he, like,
36
00:01:11,573 --> 00:01:13,974
always angled himself out to me.
37
00:01:14,009 --> 00:01:15,242
Chad Michael Fong.
38
00:01:15,277 --> 00:01:17,912
We met at a hardware
store, he was disgusting.
39
00:01:17,946 --> 00:01:19,914
You know, I'm picking all
white dudes right now.
40
00:01:19,948 --> 00:01:22,349
I must be craving pink dick.
41
00:01:22,384 --> 00:01:23,751
I'm gonna go with this.
42
00:01:23,785 --> 00:01:25,119
(Abbi) Okay, who else, who else?
43
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,788
Henry Rowdenbush, had a unibrow
all through middle school
44
00:01:27,823 --> 00:01:30,558
and then he started waxing it
and all of a sudden it was like,
45
00:01:30,592 --> 00:01:32,426
glasses off, you're (bleep) gorgeous.
46
00:01:32,461 --> 00:01:33,627
It's like "She's All That."
47
00:01:33,662 --> 00:01:35,429
I feel like I'm on coke right now.
48
00:01:35,464 --> 00:01:36,564
P.J. Mallory.
49
00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:37,598
Bobby Cornhauser.
50
00:01:37,632 --> 00:01:39,033
Johnny Fissinger. Danny McCarrow.
51
00:01:39,067 --> 00:01:40,201
Ryan Long.
52
00:01:40,235 --> 00:01:41,435
Rod White.
53
00:01:41,470 --> 00:01:45,106
We are, like, feminist heroes right now.
54
00:01:47,876 --> 00:01:50,444
So, okay, that's 36 guys
55
00:01:50,479 --> 00:01:54,248
that we've been rejected by and one lady.
56
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,050
Okay, so what, dude? You know what?
57
00:01:56,084 --> 00:01:57,418
The Internet is so '90s.
58
00:01:57,452 --> 00:02:00,254
Let's go find some guys IRL.
59
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:01,856
You know, you can just say "in real life."
60
00:02:01,890 --> 00:02:03,757
It's the same number of syllables.
61
00:02:03,792 --> 00:02:06,026
Four and three and two and one-one
62
00:02:06,061 --> 00:02:09,029
63
00:02:11,466 --> 00:02:16,003
Go in the city and we
shiver close to the fire
64
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,141
I'm from Philly.
65
00:02:20,175 --> 00:02:21,308
Philadelphia.
66
00:02:21,343 --> 00:02:23,244
When I was five, I was actually an extra
67
00:02:23,278 --> 00:02:25,613
in the movie "Philadelphia."
68
00:02:25,647 --> 00:02:27,781
It filmed right near my dad's office.
69
00:02:27,816 --> 00:02:32,119
So I learned about AIDS
before a lot of my friends.
70
00:02:32,154 --> 00:02:34,455
Yeah, this is her.
71
00:02:34,489 --> 00:02:36,524
There's Abbi again.
72
00:02:36,558 --> 00:02:38,192
Ugh, Abbi in outdoor lighting.
73
00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:40,194
We're best friends, and so, it's--
74
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,630
it's like, cool, you know.
75
00:02:42,664 --> 00:02:45,499
Cell phones are so close to being perfect,
76
00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:47,201
except that I just miss that there's like a--
77
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:49,003
Dial tone. Dial tone.
78
00:02:49,037 --> 00:02:51,605
Yes, are you kidding me? No, yeah.
79
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:53,007
You're trying to make a
connection with someone
80
00:02:53,041 --> 00:02:54,375
and there's no sound anymore.
81
00:02:54,409 --> 00:02:56,744
It's just like, hi, you're there.
82
00:02:56,778 --> 00:02:59,580
It's needed. Can I get your number?
83
00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:02,049
Yeah, yeah, sure.
84
00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:05,519
Yeah, just put it in my phone. Okay.
85
00:03:05,554 --> 00:03:08,289
Freeze, ass (bleep),
don't move, don't breathe.
86
00:03:08,323 --> 00:03:10,024
When was the last time you were tested?
87
00:03:10,058 --> 00:03:12,860
Uh, last week? Oh, my God, great.
88
00:03:12,894 --> 00:03:15,129
Okay, she's gonna want to
shower first, probably,
89
00:03:15,163 --> 00:03:18,098
and you know, just be patient, okay? Okay.
90
00:03:18,133 --> 00:03:20,534
Great.
91
00:03:20,569 --> 00:03:21,669
Hey, dude.
92
00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:24,538
You should have a sex with him.
93
00:03:24,573 --> 00:03:26,540
Tonight. Oh, yeah, what?
94
00:03:26,575 --> 00:03:27,875
Hey, Ilana.
95
00:03:27,909 --> 00:03:30,010
Hi. Yeah.
96
00:03:30,045 --> 00:03:31,845
So, all right, I'm out.
97
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,080
You're just giving up?
98
00:03:33,114 --> 00:03:34,181
On the-- on the pink?
99
00:03:34,216 --> 00:03:35,816
Bitch, please.
100
00:03:35,850 --> 00:03:37,117
I haven't even started yet.
101
00:03:37,152 --> 00:03:39,853
Oh.
102
00:03:41,990 --> 00:03:45,693
103
00:04:03,278 --> 00:04:05,145
Bitch!
104
00:04:06,615 --> 00:04:07,915
She's really fun. Yeah.
105
00:04:07,949 --> 00:04:09,149
Yeah, no, she seems nice.
106
00:04:09,184 --> 00:04:11,051
Do you want to get a drink tomorrow? Yeah.
107
00:04:11,086 --> 00:04:13,087
Cool, I'll text you. Okay.
108
00:04:13,121 --> 00:04:14,488
You're not one of those hot girls that says
109
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:18,192
she's gonna text and then doesn't, right?
110
00:04:18,226 --> 00:04:20,127
Are you still talking to me? Yeah.
111
00:04:20,161 --> 00:04:21,762
Yeah, no, I'm not.
112
00:04:21,796 --> 00:04:24,798
I mean, I-- I will text back.
113
00:04:24,833 --> 00:04:26,100
Great. Okay.
114
00:04:26,134 --> 00:04:29,703
I'll see you tomorrow. Okay, bye.
115
00:04:29,738 --> 00:04:31,372
Was anyone filming that?
116
00:04:31,406 --> 00:04:32,473
I'm the hot girl at this bar.
117
00:04:32,507 --> 00:04:34,608
Me, me is.
118
00:04:34,643 --> 00:04:37,211
Yes-- calling my mom.
119
00:04:38,513 --> 00:04:40,781
Where's my phone? Okay.
120
00:04:40,815 --> 00:04:42,349
Okay, where's my phone?
121
00:04:42,384 --> 00:04:43,717
Sir, have you seen a--
122
00:04:43,752 --> 00:04:46,153
Is there a missing phone?
123
00:04:46,187 --> 00:04:49,056
So this is it.
124
00:04:49,090 --> 00:04:50,190
Nice apartment.
125
00:04:50,225 --> 00:04:51,358
(Ilana) Thanks.
126
00:04:51,393 --> 00:04:52,693
Got any roommates?
127
00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:55,195
Yeah, but his abuela's in
the hospital, which sucks,
128
00:04:55,230 --> 00:04:58,866
but "Silver Linings Playbook,"
we have the place to ourselves.
129
00:05:00,068 --> 00:05:01,568
Dayum!
130
00:05:01,603 --> 00:05:04,571
That penis is pink.
131
00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:13,947
There's something I should tell you.
132
00:05:13,982 --> 00:05:17,751
I'm bisexual.
133
00:05:17,786 --> 00:05:20,220
That is true masculinity.
134
00:05:20,255 --> 00:05:24,258
You are truly evolved and I am truly wet.
135
00:05:24,292 --> 00:05:27,061
Just tell me you don't shave down there.
136
00:05:28,363 --> 00:05:30,831
Can you pick me up? Can you lift me up?
137
00:05:34,404 --> 00:05:35,404
Has anyone seen a phone?
138
00:05:35,438 --> 00:05:38,006
Is there a phone?
139
00:05:38,041 --> 00:05:40,242
(woman) Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
140
00:05:40,276 --> 00:05:42,578
Where is my phone?
141
00:05:42,612 --> 00:05:45,814
I lose my phone all the time, too.
142
00:05:45,849 --> 00:05:48,417
I mean, I don't, like, lose it,
143
00:05:48,451 --> 00:05:50,919
lose it, I just, like, I see it
144
00:05:50,954 --> 00:05:54,823
fall into the toilet, but...
145
00:05:56,426 --> 00:05:58,360
Okay.
146
00:05:59,596 --> 00:06:01,563
Could you turn the music off, please?
147
00:06:01,598 --> 00:06:04,366
Maybe when you turn it back
on, some '90s hip-hop?
148
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,868
Something cool.
149
00:06:05,902 --> 00:06:07,336
Okay, you guys, listen.
150
00:06:07,370 --> 00:06:08,904
I lost my phone.
151
00:06:08,938 --> 00:06:11,073
This guy is supposed to text me.
152
00:06:11,107 --> 00:06:13,675
He called me hot.
153
00:06:13,710 --> 00:06:16,078
So I'm cute, but you guys get it.
154
00:06:16,112 --> 00:06:17,779
Can you guys help me find it?
155
00:06:17,814 --> 00:06:19,381
Yes.
156
00:06:19,415 --> 00:06:21,250
I'm gonna need you to link arms.
157
00:06:21,284 --> 00:06:23,752
We're gonna sweep the bar.
158
00:06:27,857 --> 00:06:31,693
Mind if we take a break and I
go down on you for 45 minutes?
159
00:06:31,728 --> 00:06:34,997
Don't ever let society change you.
160
00:06:39,636 --> 00:06:42,571
Yes, dude!
161
00:06:42,605 --> 00:06:46,174
So the volume's up louder than
before, but we should keep
162
00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:50,279
searching, 'cause I would
do it if it was your phone.
163
00:06:50,313 --> 00:06:51,747
No, sorry.
164
00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:53,916
We've all moved on.
165
00:06:53,950 --> 00:06:56,952
166
00:06:59,555 --> 00:07:01,290
(Abbi) This is Abbi,leave a message.(beep)
167
00:07:01,324 --> 00:07:03,058
Hey, this is Abbi,leave a message.(beep)
168
00:07:03,092 --> 00:07:04,459
Leave a message.(beep)
169
00:07:04,494 --> 00:07:07,262
Dude, I'm gonna be so pissed if you're dead,
170
00:07:07,297 --> 00:07:08,764
you've got to call me back.
171
00:07:08,798 --> 00:07:10,165
I'm freaking out.
172
00:07:10,199 --> 00:07:12,301
Morning, beautiful. Hi.
173
00:07:12,335 --> 00:07:13,769
You're--
174
00:07:13,803 --> 00:07:14,937
You're really good at sex.
175
00:07:14,971 --> 00:07:16,972
Thanks, you too. Thanks.
176
00:07:17,006 --> 00:07:18,974
So I'm doing a show
tonight if you wanna come.
177
00:07:19,008 --> 00:07:20,909
That's hot, you know, maybe.
178
00:07:20,944 --> 00:07:23,178
You know, I want to, I'm sorry, I just--
179
00:07:23,212 --> 00:07:25,447
I'm pretty sure my best friend
is dead right now and I am
180
00:07:25,481 --> 00:07:26,882
the one who let her go home with a stranger.
181
00:07:26,916 --> 00:07:28,750
She doesn't have, like,
street smarts like me, you know,
182
00:07:28,785 --> 00:07:30,485
and no upper body strength.
183
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:31,987
I gotta go, text me about it.
184
00:07:32,021 --> 00:07:35,090
Shut the door when you leave.
185
00:07:35,124 --> 00:07:38,660
It's "Tyler," right? Yeah.
186
00:07:38,695 --> 00:07:39,795
Hey, where at you?
187
00:07:39,829 --> 00:07:40,963
I'm at that dog shelter.
188
00:07:40,997 --> 00:07:42,464
Lincoln, just get a dog.
189
00:07:42,498 --> 00:07:44,166
Ilana, I can't inflict upon a dog
190
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,101
the crazy life of a dentist.
191
00:07:46,135 --> 00:07:47,936
Anyway, Abbi's not picking
up any of her calls,
192
00:07:47,971 --> 00:07:49,471
so I'm pretty sure she's dead.
193
00:07:49,505 --> 00:07:51,373
I need you to be myeyes and ears here.
194
00:07:51,407 --> 00:07:54,943
Stay on the local news,
they only cover rapes and murders.
195
00:07:54,978 --> 00:07:56,345
She didn't even say "bye, Lincoln."
196
00:07:56,379 --> 00:07:57,512
That takes one more second.
197
00:07:57,547 --> 00:08:00,048
People have no phone etiquette these days.
198
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,484
Abbi!
199
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:11,960
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
200
00:08:11,995 --> 00:08:13,462
What? You wouldn't pick up your phone.
201
00:08:13,496 --> 00:08:14,730
I thought you got SVU'd.
202
00:08:14,764 --> 00:08:17,132
No, dude, I'm fine, I just lost my phone.
203
00:08:17,166 --> 00:08:18,533
Remember that hot dude at the bar?
204
00:08:18,568 --> 00:08:19,568
He was supposed to text
me, so now, I'm, like,
205
00:08:19,602 --> 00:08:20,869
never gonna hear from him again.
206
00:08:20,903 --> 00:08:21,903
Oh, my God.
207
00:08:21,938 --> 00:08:23,205
You should use the FindMyPhone app.
208
00:08:23,239 --> 00:08:24,840
I watch myself run around
the city all the time on it.
209
00:08:24,874 --> 00:08:26,908
Oh, okay, well, we'll just do that.
210
00:08:26,943 --> 00:08:28,877
There's my phone, I knew it was stolen.
211
00:08:28,911 --> 00:08:30,645
Ugh. Okay, it's in Harlem.
212
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,247
Great, let's go track it down.
213
00:08:32,281 --> 00:08:35,751
No, wait, wait, wait, it's moving south.
214
00:08:36,953 --> 00:08:39,688
It's in the Upper East Side. Oh, dude.
215
00:08:39,722 --> 00:08:43,458
I-- I don't want to go there. Must we?
216
00:08:43,493 --> 00:08:44,826
My son-in-law's such a disgrace.
217
00:08:44,861 --> 00:08:46,795
He went to Cornell.
218
00:08:46,829 --> 00:08:49,998
I'm fine with the tsunami,
but not in St. Bart's.
219
00:08:50,033 --> 00:08:52,601
Anywhere else is fine.
220
00:08:52,635 --> 00:08:54,403
It's the tenth horse that died this year.
221
00:08:54,437 --> 00:08:57,005
That's ten horses I've had to replace.
222
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,306
Why does anybody come up here?
223
00:08:58,341 --> 00:09:00,475
It is a horrible, vapid wasteland.
224
00:09:00,510 --> 00:09:02,444
Um, excuse me, where's the Met?
225
00:09:02,478 --> 00:09:03,812
Oh, right down here, you make a right.
226
00:09:03,846 --> 00:09:06,114
Yeah, you can't miss it. Thank you.
227
00:09:06,149 --> 00:09:07,716
Okay, your phone's heading west.
228
00:09:07,750 --> 00:09:09,084
We gotta hustle, 'cause Tyler's show's
229
00:09:09,118 --> 00:09:13,388
at 8:00 and I just bet he's the drummer.
230
00:09:13,423 --> 00:09:15,490
What are we supposed to do up here, like,
231
00:09:15,525 --> 00:09:18,493
get a caricature or something?
232
00:09:21,030 --> 00:09:23,298
(Ilana) Abbi, you should
really wear a ball gown IRL.
233
00:09:23,332 --> 00:09:25,667
(Abbi) Ilana, come on,
my soul mate could've texted me.
234
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:27,569
We've gotta get my phone,
someone here has it.
235
00:09:27,603 --> 00:09:28,703
You know what? I'll call it,
236
00:09:28,738 --> 00:09:30,305
listen for the vibration. Okay.
237
00:09:30,339 --> 00:09:32,641
It's ringing.
238
00:09:35,511 --> 00:09:36,645
Ooh!
239
00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:40,348
Oh, my God, I thought this was my bag.
240
00:09:40,383 --> 00:09:42,317
I had this-- this--
241
00:09:42,351 --> 00:09:44,019
I had one.
242
00:09:44,053 --> 00:09:45,654
This is mine, though.
243
00:09:45,688 --> 00:09:47,656
This is the mine, this is easy to--
244
00:09:47,690 --> 00:09:51,693
Okay Ab, I have an idea and it's hot.
245
00:09:51,727 --> 00:09:52,928
Ilana.
246
00:09:52,962 --> 00:09:54,062
Are you kidding me? Ilana, stop.
247
00:09:54,097 --> 00:09:55,897
No, this park is full of pervs.
248
00:09:55,932 --> 00:09:57,332
Get ready, because everybody's gonna whip
249
00:09:57,366 --> 00:09:58,867
their phone out. Dude.
250
00:09:58,901 --> 00:10:00,836
and we're gonna find yours in
three, two, one. Oh, my God.
251
00:10:00,870 --> 00:10:02,571
Okay. Find your phone.
252
00:10:02,605 --> 00:10:04,706
(Abbi) All right, you're doing this
right now, okay. Find your phone.
253
00:10:04,740 --> 00:10:06,541
This is crazy right now.
254
00:10:06,576 --> 00:10:09,010
Only in NYC!
255
00:10:09,045 --> 00:10:13,381
If I were you, I'd pull my
phone out and take a pic!
256
00:10:13,416 --> 00:10:16,051
Why is no one taking a picture of her?
257
00:10:16,085 --> 00:10:19,521
That girl's been here for hours.
258
00:10:19,555 --> 00:10:21,756
(Abbi) All right, well, I understand that.
259
00:10:21,791 --> 00:10:23,825
Oh, my God, the dot is over water.
260
00:10:23,860 --> 00:10:26,161
What? Oh, the lake.
261
00:10:26,195 --> 00:10:27,295
All right.
262
00:10:27,330 --> 00:10:30,499
What, are we following,
like, some sort of duck?
263
00:10:30,533 --> 00:10:32,067
Hey, one of you stole our phone.
264
00:10:32,101 --> 00:10:34,569
We know you're in here!
265
00:10:34,604 --> 00:10:38,273
We live in an ugly city of monsters.
266
00:10:39,308 --> 00:10:40,809
The dot's moving south.
267
00:10:40,843 --> 00:10:42,878
Okay, let's go. Let's go.
268
00:10:42,912 --> 00:10:45,413
269
00:10:45,448 --> 00:10:46,681
We're close, dude.
270
00:10:46,716 --> 00:10:48,083
I can, like, smell it.
271
00:10:48,117 --> 00:10:49,317
Yeah, we just have to find it.
272
00:10:49,352 --> 00:10:51,987
Like, I need to get it,
'cause I-- Wait, stop.
273
00:10:52,021 --> 00:10:53,788
Times Square, ew!
274
00:10:53,823 --> 00:10:56,658
We can't go in here, dude,
it's-- it's too disgusting.
275
00:10:56,692 --> 00:10:58,593
Ilana, we have to, he called me hot.
276
00:10:58,628 --> 00:11:00,695
Like, we're going in.
277
00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:02,697
What?
278
00:11:02,732 --> 00:11:04,533
Oh, my God. What?
279
00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:06,935
It's gone.
280
00:11:06,969 --> 00:11:08,303
Oh, my God.
281
00:11:08,337 --> 00:11:10,238
I bet my battery died.
282
00:11:10,273 --> 00:11:12,073
I'm never gonna see him again, I mean.
283
00:11:12,108 --> 00:11:13,508
I am so sorry, dude.
284
00:11:13,543 --> 00:11:14,643
It's gonna be unfair to whoever I marry,
285
00:11:14,677 --> 00:11:15,677
because I'll probably,
286
00:11:15,711 --> 00:11:17,512
like, always compare them to Ben.
287
00:11:17,547 --> 00:11:19,247
It's gonna just tear us apart immediately,
288
00:11:19,282 --> 00:11:21,183
or throughout.
289
00:11:21,217 --> 00:11:22,551
We could go to Tyler's show.
290
00:11:22,585 --> 00:11:25,487
I think he's in a boy band, so.
291
00:11:25,521 --> 00:11:28,523
All right, just give me a sec.
292
00:11:28,558 --> 00:11:31,326
Goodbye, Ben something.
293
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,161
I think-- I guess we'll
always have that beer.
294
00:11:33,196 --> 00:11:34,296
I thought it was--
295
00:11:34,330 --> 00:11:35,664
It was fun, it was just fun, you know?
296
00:11:35,698 --> 00:11:37,365
It just, like, fit, and I felt like-- Move!
297
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,000
Oh! Jesus.
298
00:11:39,035 --> 00:11:40,235
What?
299
00:11:40,269 --> 00:11:42,237
(bleep) you both, you yuppie trash! No, what?
300
00:11:42,271 --> 00:11:43,271
Tax the rich!
301
00:11:44,775 --> 00:11:46,609
Dude, I-- I thought he was in a band.
302
00:11:46,643 --> 00:11:48,477
I didn't know this was gonna
be, like an improv show.
303
00:11:48,512 --> 00:11:50,947
Yeah, me too, I don't know.
304
00:11:50,981 --> 00:11:54,917
What's hotter than a pink
dick with a sense of humor?
305
00:11:54,952 --> 00:11:58,387
I mean, a black dick, but...
306
00:11:58,422 --> 00:12:00,756
You know that you're so anti-racist sometimes
307
00:12:00,791 --> 00:12:02,625
that you're actually really racist?
308
00:12:02,659 --> 00:12:04,760
Huh.
309
00:12:08,699 --> 00:12:10,499
(man) All right, thank you all for coming.
310
00:12:10,534 --> 00:12:12,501
We are Statutory Crepe.
311
00:12:12,536 --> 00:12:15,204
Everything you're about to
see will be fully improvised.
312
00:12:15,239 --> 00:12:17,306
All we need to get started is one word.
313
00:12:17,341 --> 00:12:20,643
(man) Eggroll! I heard "eggroll."
314
00:12:20,677 --> 00:12:23,679
Dude.
315
00:12:23,714 --> 00:12:25,915
Mom. Yes, son?
316
00:12:25,949 --> 00:12:30,119
I need to talk to you about my penis.
317
00:12:30,153 --> 00:12:31,587
Yes, son?
318
00:12:31,622 --> 00:12:33,923
I love answering questions about penises,
319
00:12:33,957 --> 00:12:36,225
even though I have a vagina!
320
00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:38,728
Ha ha ha!
321
00:12:40,397 --> 00:12:42,665
How much for this shirt? I can--
322
00:12:42,699 --> 00:12:46,969
One million dollars.
323
00:12:47,004 --> 00:12:48,371
I'm embarrassed that I'm here.
324
00:12:48,405 --> 00:12:50,239
I'm embarrassed that he was inside of me.
325
00:12:50,274 --> 00:12:53,142
(animal noises)
326
00:12:53,176 --> 00:12:55,111
I'm not watching this by myself, get--
327
00:12:55,145 --> 00:12:56,312
(Ilana) You should come down here.
328
00:12:56,346 --> 00:12:58,614
Sit in your seat, you brought me here.
329
00:13:00,350 --> 00:13:01,617
Oh, my God.
330
00:13:01,652 --> 00:13:02,918
Scene!
331
00:13:02,953 --> 00:13:04,253
We're gonna take a quick break and be back
332
00:13:04,288 --> 00:13:06,956
with another hour of Statutory Crepe!
333
00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:10,693
Woohoo!
334
00:13:10,727 --> 00:13:13,129
(Ilana) Oh, my God, that was the
worst thing I've ever seen.
335
00:13:13,163 --> 00:13:14,964
I feel like I've been hate-crimed.
336
00:13:14,998 --> 00:13:16,866
Oh, my God! The dot's back!
337
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:18,601
(Abbi) Ew, it's still in Times Square!
338
00:13:18,635 --> 00:13:19,802
I bet the freak was seeing a play
339
00:13:19,836 --> 00:13:21,404
and turned it off to be polite.
340
00:13:21,438 --> 00:13:22,405
Oh, my God, dude.
341
00:13:22,439 --> 00:13:23,539
Times Square, Central Park?
342
00:13:23,573 --> 00:13:25,574
Upper East Side, means it's a tourist.
343
00:13:25,609 --> 00:13:26,742
Ew!
344
00:13:26,777 --> 00:13:28,411
The dot's moving down Eighth Ave.
345
00:13:28,445 --> 00:13:29,779
What tourist spot is down there?
346
00:13:29,813 --> 00:13:30,880
I don't know, but let's get out of here
347
00:13:30,914 --> 00:13:33,716
before Jerry Lewis sees you again.
348
00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:36,152
(Ilana) Oh, my God, oh!
349
00:13:36,186 --> 00:13:37,653
I've been pulled back in.
350
00:13:37,688 --> 00:13:39,455
It's too-- I can't-- I can't not.
351
00:13:39,489 --> 00:13:40,656
I can't say no.
352
00:13:40,691 --> 00:13:41,924
Okay, you go with Dr. Evil, because
353
00:13:41,958 --> 00:13:44,026
I just figured out where
the thief took my phone,
354
00:13:44,061 --> 00:13:46,862
the last place every tourist goes.
355
00:13:46,897 --> 00:13:48,864
The airport? No, not--
356
00:13:48,899 --> 00:13:50,933
Not literally the last place.
357
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:52,368
Magnolia Bakery.
358
00:13:52,402 --> 00:13:53,569
Right, right, right, right. Right?
359
00:13:53,603 --> 00:13:54,970
Yeah, do it. Okay, I'm going.
360
00:13:55,005 --> 00:13:56,138
Get your hot piece. All right, I'm going.
361
00:13:56,173 --> 00:13:57,373
Get it.
362
00:13:57,407 --> 00:13:59,108
Hey!
363
00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:01,444
Oh! Oh.
364
00:14:07,050 --> 00:14:09,085
(woman) Wait, you guys don't have wine?
365
00:14:09,119 --> 00:14:10,753
What about white wine?
366
00:14:10,787 --> 00:14:12,188
You, you have my phone.
367
00:14:12,222 --> 00:14:13,789
Oh, my God, hey!
368
00:14:13,824 --> 00:14:15,725
How did you find out about this place?
369
00:14:15,759 --> 00:14:17,126
I thought it was a secret.
370
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,362
Okay, can you please check
your bag for my phone?
371
00:14:19,396 --> 00:14:21,097
This is, like, an emergency.
372
00:14:21,131 --> 00:14:25,334
Oh, my God, look, a Mike and Ike.
373
00:14:25,369 --> 00:14:28,771
Oh, no, wait, that was, like, a pinto bean.
374
00:14:28,805 --> 00:14:31,474
High-five. All right.
375
00:14:31,508 --> 00:14:32,641
You know what?
376
00:14:32,676 --> 00:14:34,510
I'm gonna help you out, okay great, great.
377
00:14:34,544 --> 00:14:37,213
So this is my phone, this is your phone.
378
00:14:37,247 --> 00:14:38,848
My phone, your phone, okay?
379
00:14:38,882 --> 00:14:41,050
There's two. Oh, my God.
380
00:14:41,084 --> 00:14:43,319
I must have taken that on incident.
381
00:14:43,353 --> 00:14:44,954
I swear.
382
00:14:44,988 --> 00:14:46,222
Like, that makes sense 'cause I called
383
00:14:46,256 --> 00:14:47,656
my mom and she was like,
384
00:14:47,691 --> 00:14:49,024
way nicer than usual.
385
00:14:49,059 --> 00:14:51,494
I've been following you, like, all day today,
386
00:14:51,528 --> 00:14:53,829
I don't know how you didn't
feel this vibrating at all.
387
00:14:53,864 --> 00:14:55,931
This purse is enormous.
388
00:14:55,966 --> 00:14:58,667
I carry it to make me look petite.
389
00:14:58,702 --> 00:15:00,469
Oh, my God, Ben texted me.
390
00:15:00,504 --> 00:15:02,238
Okay, 11:00.
391
00:15:02,272 --> 00:15:03,406
That's eight minutes.
392
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,907
Okay.
393
00:15:04,941 --> 00:15:07,743
You know what? I'm gonna get
a large banana pudding.
394
00:15:07,778 --> 00:15:08,811
Great, and she's gonna pay for it.
395
00:15:08,845 --> 00:15:09,812
Awesome.
396
00:15:09,846 --> 00:15:12,314
Wait, are you kidding?
397
00:15:12,349 --> 00:15:14,383
Wait, do you guys have red wine?
398
00:15:14,418 --> 00:15:17,153
(woman) Are you serious? This is a bakery.
399
00:15:17,187 --> 00:15:20,990
Can you make me go ooh ooh ooh ahh
400
00:15:21,024 --> 00:15:22,858
Can I get a one-word suggestion?
401
00:15:22,893 --> 00:15:25,528
I heard "cunnilingus."
402
00:15:29,099 --> 00:15:32,401
I've got a turtle head poking out!
403
00:15:36,139 --> 00:15:40,409
We also have lobster in the shell.
404
00:15:40,444 --> 00:15:42,511
No.
405
00:15:44,214 --> 00:15:49,118
I am a robot and I'm programmed to be horny.
406
00:15:53,657 --> 00:15:55,925
I made a poopy in my dipey.
407
00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:58,494
Oh, stop-- no, stop.
408
00:15:58,528 --> 00:16:00,262
What's wrong?
409
00:16:00,297 --> 00:16:01,697
Honestly, dude?
410
00:16:01,731 --> 00:16:06,235
You are so gorgeous and
sexually skilled it's scary,
411
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:14,577
but your improv show was just not good.
412
00:16:14,611 --> 00:16:16,912
That was one of our best shows.
413
00:16:16,947 --> 00:16:18,614
Shut up, you're an idiot.
414
00:16:18,648 --> 00:16:20,382
All right, (bleep) you.
415
00:16:20,417 --> 00:16:22,818
Thank you for your services.
416
00:16:22,853 --> 00:16:26,489
But seriously, thank you for
your services, they were good.
417
00:16:26,523 --> 00:16:27,723
Whoa, whoa, just--
418
00:16:27,757 --> 00:16:29,925
Don't put your shirt on before you leave.
419
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,161
What's the point?
420
00:16:35,265 --> 00:16:36,665
I'm so sorry.
421
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:39,068
Ben!
422
00:16:45,475 --> 00:16:48,143
(Ben) Oh, Abbi!
423
00:16:48,178 --> 00:16:49,545
Yes.
424
00:16:49,579 --> 00:16:50,646
Just give me a second.
425
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,815
Oh, yeah.
426
00:16:52,849 --> 00:16:54,783
Just look away, I just need--
427
00:16:54,818 --> 00:16:56,919
I ate banana pudding, I just--
428
00:16:56,953 --> 00:17:00,189
I offer clients incentives
to stay with the bank, so.
429
00:17:00,223 --> 00:17:01,757
Cool.
430
00:17:01,791 --> 00:17:02,758
You know, I used to have an office
431
00:17:02,792 --> 00:17:04,426
that didn't have a window.
432
00:17:04,461 --> 00:17:07,997
They just moved me into
an office with a window.
433
00:17:08,031 --> 00:17:09,331
Oh, that's great.
434
00:17:09,366 --> 00:17:10,633
I mean, it's much better to have a window.
435
00:17:10,667 --> 00:17:12,935
Much better, I look out all the time.
436
00:17:12,969 --> 00:17:15,237
Yeah, yeah.
437
00:17:21,278 --> 00:17:23,679
Um so have you been here before?
438
00:17:23,713 --> 00:17:24,947
I have.
439
00:17:24,981 --> 00:17:26,515
About a year ago.
440
00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:29,952
Or... it was like two years ago.
441
00:17:29,986 --> 00:17:33,489
Cool. Or, no.
442
00:17:33,523 --> 00:17:37,126
That was like a year ago.
443
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:41,297
13 months, 14, 13 months, 14 months.
444
00:17:42,299 --> 00:17:45,301
(phone vibrating)
445
00:17:45,335 --> 00:17:46,468
What's up, dude?
446
00:17:46,503 --> 00:17:48,437
They just found a dead
girl on Riker's Island.
447
00:17:48,471 --> 00:17:49,438
Was it Abbi?
448
00:17:49,472 --> 00:17:50,573
Oh, no, no, no.
449
00:17:50,607 --> 00:17:51,807
Abbi's fine, I've been with her all day.
450
00:17:51,841 --> 00:17:53,609
What? Why didn't you tell me?
451
00:17:53,643 --> 00:17:56,245
I was worried, Abbi's my friend too.
452
00:17:56,279 --> 00:17:58,447
I was so worried, I baked a whole cake.
453
00:17:58,481 --> 00:18:00,249
And then I ate a whole cake.
454
00:18:00,283 --> 00:18:01,817
I'm-- I'm really sorry.
455
00:18:01,851 --> 00:18:03,986
You know, I got another cake cooking.
456
00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:06,288
You can come over and we can eat it.
457
00:18:06,323 --> 00:18:09,558
Or just smash our faces into it.
458
00:18:10,660 --> 00:18:13,062
459
00:18:13,096 --> 00:18:14,630
He was so boring.
460
00:18:14,664 --> 00:18:17,166
He told me the rules to somegame, Settlers of Catan,
461
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,635
for like, 40 minutes.
462
00:18:19,669 --> 00:18:22,304
Oh, God, that should take,
like, ten minutes, tops.
463
00:18:22,339 --> 00:18:26,141
Don't worry, you'll have
sexualintercourse very soon.
464
00:18:26,176 --> 00:18:29,111
Oh, no, I stillslept with him.
465
00:18:29,145 --> 00:18:30,646
Oh! (Abbi)Yeah!
466
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,448
Nice-- and you know what?
467
00:18:32,482 --> 00:18:34,149
I had a really sweet day with you, dude.
468
00:18:34,184 --> 00:18:35,351
Yeah, me too.
469
00:18:35,385 --> 00:18:36,619
Hey, I'm glad you'renot dead, Abbi.
470
00:18:36,653 --> 00:18:37,920
Thanks, Lincoln.
471
00:18:37,954 --> 00:18:40,489
All right, so it istime for us to do it.
472
00:18:40,523 --> 00:18:41,857
Okay, wait,I want to watch.
473
00:18:41,891 --> 00:18:44,927
I know you do, 'cause you'rea naughty little girl.
474
00:18:44,961 --> 00:18:47,630
Let's do this.
475
00:18:51,468 --> 00:18:52,835
Oh, man.
476
00:18:52,869 --> 00:18:54,837
Uh-oh, someone'smaking a cake mess.
477
00:18:54,871 --> 00:18:56,238
You know what'sgood for that?
478
00:18:56,272 --> 00:18:58,874
Is if you just geta napkin or a paper towel,
479
00:18:58,908 --> 00:19:00,242
or a thick napkin--
480
00:19:00,276 --> 00:19:01,243
(Ilana) Oh, my God. It's just--
481
00:19:01,277 --> 00:19:02,411
(Ilana) Please stop.
482
00:19:02,445 --> 00:19:03,912
Thanks. Okay.
483
00:19:03,947 --> 00:19:05,114
Goodbye.
484
00:19:05,148 --> 00:19:06,515
(Ilana)Bye!
485
00:19:06,549 --> 00:19:07,983
And learnSettlers of Catan.
486
00:19:08,018 --> 00:19:10,185
It's honestlynot that hard.
487
00:19:10,788 --> 00:19:12,322
Allright, do a face that I hate.
488
00:19:12,356 --> 00:19:16,393
Oh.
489
00:19:16,427 --> 00:19:18,061
Oh, my God, it won't let me--
490
00:19:18,095 --> 00:19:19,596
It says my storage is full.
491
00:19:19,630 --> 00:19:22,499
That sucks for you.
492
00:19:22,533 --> 00:19:24,801
What is...
493
00:19:24,835 --> 00:19:26,136
Look at this.
494
00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:27,937
Hi, baby.
495
00:19:27,972 --> 00:19:29,372
I am in a boat.
496
00:19:29,407 --> 00:19:33,443
Oh, my God, I love this city.
497
00:19:34,346 --> 00:19:35,446
Where is Central Park?
498
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:36,914
(man) You're in it. Oh, my God.
499
00:19:36,948 --> 00:19:40,217
Central Perk.
500
00:19:40,252 --> 00:19:42,253
The one with Gunther.
501
00:19:42,287 --> 00:19:43,788
And "Smelly Cat"?
502
00:19:43,822 --> 00:19:46,390
(mumbling)
503
00:19:46,425 --> 00:19:46,758
Baby...
504
00:19:46,793 --> 00:19:50,962
I have a sweet surprise for you.
505
00:19:50,997 --> 00:19:52,731
Here it comes.
506
00:19:52,765 --> 00:19:54,166
She's gonna jerk off.
507
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,600
No, no, no, no, no, we shouldn't watch it.
508
00:19:55,635 --> 00:19:56,835
Ilana, we should not watch it.
509
00:19:56,869 --> 00:19:59,104
This is not a time for
prudeness, Abbi. Okay, fine!
510
00:19:59,138 --> 00:20:01,440
So you ready?
511
00:20:05,478 --> 00:20:08,447
(coughing)
512
00:20:11,617 --> 00:20:13,118
Oh.
513
00:20:13,152 --> 00:20:15,320
That was... you know?
514
00:20:15,354 --> 00:20:16,922
That was phenomenal. Oh, my God.
515
00:20:16,956 --> 00:20:19,458
Send that to my burner phone, that last one.
516
00:20:19,492 --> 00:20:20,726
You have a burner phone?
517
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,060
You didn't know that? No.
518
00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:23,361
Why do you have that?
519
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:25,864
For dick pics and sex media in general.
520
00:20:25,898 --> 00:20:27,699
Why would you need a phone from, like,
521
00:20:27,734 --> 00:20:29,101
"The Wire" for that?
522
00:20:29,135 --> 00:20:31,603
I'm still on my family plan
and I don't fully understand
523
00:20:31,637 --> 00:20:33,672
the cloud and I don't trust it.
524
00:20:33,706 --> 00:20:36,942
I mean, I can't risk having
just dicks floating around.
525
00:20:36,976 --> 00:20:38,076
I feel like they're gonna, like,
526
00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:39,544
pop up on my parents' phone one day.
527
00:20:39,579 --> 00:20:42,681
How many dicks are floating around?
528
00:20:47,053 --> 00:20:49,121
You're counting a lot.
529
00:20:49,155 --> 00:20:51,556
Like, in the late 20s?
530
00:20:51,606 --> 00:20:56,156
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