Original subtitles

Oh, would you pass me a...

Absolutely. Oh, thank you, dear.

Oh. And some...

There you go.

Now don't forget to pick up the thing

from the place this afternoon.

Oh, I tried, but they didn't have it.

Well, get the other thing.

But it's all the way across town.

Okay. Fine. I'll do it.

Good boy. For you.

You guys know you're totally married, right?

Green Card married. Not real.

Seems real to me. You see that domestic ballet?

She oatmealing you, you tea bagging her?

You're so lucky. I have to tea bag myself.

Would you leave the man alone?

Cam is just being a broski,

taking Molly off the market till I make my move.

It's all part of the ODC. The OD... What?

Don't ask. It's a whole thing.

ODC...

Dawson's Creek.

Now before you is my 22-step plan to end up with Molly.

I'm Dawson,

Molly is Joey,

and you're Jen, the town slut.

Not to be this guy, but that's, like, the whitest show ever.

That is such a Jen thing to say.

You're a fan of the Creek?

Finally, something we agree on.

Dum, Da-da-dum-dum

What the hell is on the roof?

Oz, why do you have a trident?

Why don't you? Now answer the question...

Why is there a huge electronic billboard on my roof?

Because this place needs to make some mad ducats,

so I made a sweet deal to rent it out as ad space.

Did you, by any chance, ask what ads they would be running?

Way to go, Vee.

You just allowed our rival company

to use our building to say that we totally suck.

Come on. Don't exaggerate. It doesn't say that.

- Oh. - Ooh.

Shaw's a dead man.

You know, maybe I shouldn't have signed that 20-year lease.

Well, well, well.

I always knew you were beneath me, Oz.

And now the world does, too.

Carol, grab my trident.

Ah, hang on. No need for fancy aquatic weaponry.

Just swung by to admire my billboard

and savor the moment of me riding your ass.

That sounded really gay, baby.

Yeah, I know. Just drive!

Make no mistakes about it, ladies. We're at war.

And Shaw drew first blood.

Retaliation will be swift and merciless. What do you got?

The servers for these billboards are Swiss cheese.

I can make it say anything we want.

Any suggestions?

That's amazing. I love it!

Truth in advertising.

Guys, huge problem. You gotta come see this.

So predictable, Oz.

I knew you'd have your second rate hacker

try to mess with my billboard, which is why

I installed a Trojan horse on the HDMI connection.

Cam, shut it down.

I'm locked out of our system.

As we speak, a worm is

destroying your entire storage network.

Cam. Almost there.

You lose, Oz.

You've been jerking me around for years,

but now it's my turn to jerk you,

and I'm gonna keep jerking until you explode.

That sounds kind of gay, baby.

What? No. That's a totally hetero threat.

All right. I shut it down before our files got wiped.

But not before it robo-spammed your address book

and said we're out of business.

Robo-spam? Worms?

What the frick is going on? Are we in the future?

Cam, reconfigure the firewall, then re-reconfigure it.

Cash, damage control.

Contact every client that got that e-mail.

Molly, explain everything that's going on to Veronica.

I'm gonna take down that slimy little rodent once and for all.

We got your back

Crazy day today, wasn't it?

Even for Contra.

Well, it's not over yet.

I still gotta lock down that firewall for Oz.

Oh, well, don't stay up too late, dear.

Mwah. Night.

What the hell was that? What was what?

Don't ignore it. We kissed.

We both did it like it was totally natural.

Oh, my God. We're married.

No. No. No. No. We're not married.

Did you just wash my underpants?

Married. Married.

Good morning, Veronica. Here's today's schedule,

these papers need signing,

I kissed Cameron, and your car is being dropped off to get washed.

Wait. What? When?

How? And why?

Come here! Tell me everything.

Was it, like, full open mouth, '80s-style?

It was more like a peck.

Can't you keep your tiny peck in your pants?

We're at war with Shaw. No distractions.

How did you kiss him? French? Eskimo? Butterfly? Spider-man? Vampire?

Just the regular kind.

It was nice.

I mean, I've been so hung up on Melanie for so long,

but now she's gone,

and maybe it's time I just moved on.

Yes! From this subject.

Mmm. Yeah.

All aboard the train to Bonetown.

No. I'm not sure I'm ready to purchase a ticket

for that particular train yet,

but I have thought about looking at the schedule.

Look, whatever you do with your pseudo-wife,

Cash cannot find out about it.

I need our Prankmaster General on his "A" game.

Let me pour a little sauce on this for you.

I call it Cheese Doodle.

That's our target.

Shaw's office has a pressure-sensitive floor

and audio detection sensors in the walls.

One sound, and you're found.

It seems a lot like Impossible.

What? No, it's totally different.

I'll drop down from the ceiling

and suspend over the desk about an inch.

It's gonna be awesome.

Totally awesome. Also totally Impossible.

What's next? You're gonna rip off your face

and reveal you're Ving Rhames? Well, actually, I...

Ah, no. We're not doing the face thing, Cash.

But masks are fun. Shutty.

This model's gonna self-destruct in five seconds.

No.

That took me hours to build!

Good! Channel that anger towards Shaw.

We're gonna hit him hard tonight.

Remember, silence is golden.

No matter what happens, no talking.

New clients are here, baby.

Mmm. More Contra converts.

Please come in. Have a seat.

How's my face? Am I rocking a dust-stache?

You're good, baby. Okay.

Okay, people, I'm gonna make this short.

Why should you leave Contra? Because they got hacked.

They can't even protect their own information.

How can they possibly protect yours?

Fact, Double Dragon is impenetrable,

the best.

And you have my word that our level of...

What is going on with my mouth?

Looks like you're a little bit tongue-tied.

I wonder why.

Ah. Ah.

You've just been Impossible'd.

You're right. Masks are fun.

Oh! You son of a bitch. You did this.

Fact, Double Dragon is more than penetrable.

The rumors of Contra's demise were greatly exaggerated.

Now if you'll all just follow me

for some complimentary Contra snuggies.

Hey, Mol. Just cooked us some nice celebratory takeout dinner

for kicking Shaw's ass.

Oh, I think that's you.

Hold on.

Melanie?

Looks like I'm a little rusty.

What the... What are you doing here?

Where have you been? How have you been?

I'll answer everything after.

After what?

I did everything I could to try to forget you.

I biked cross-country with the angels,

I caught some river monsters in Baja.

Did you have cell service out there?

I left you a million messages.

Some of them kind of embarrassing.

I listened to them. Oh, yeah?

Mmm-hmm. But I'm back anyway.

I... I, you know, I don't know.

Should we do this?

Yeah.

I'm in.

Um, I have something to tell you.

Cammy, I'm home.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Have you two been shagging in my bed?

Oh. She... You... You live together?

No. No. No. I mean, she does.

We do, but only because we're married.

You're married? Yes.

She's an illegal alien. Tell her you're an alien.

Why don't you tell her you're a wanker?

I'm not a wanker.

Hey. Hold on. So nothing's happened between you two?

No. I mean,

yeah, we, um, kissed once.

It was nothing. So now it's nothing?

I knew I shouldn't have come back here.

This is all coming out wrong.

Look, I don't... I don't have feelings for her. Yeah, whatever.

Worst wanking husband ever.

Cam!

Good morning, sunshine. Rough night?

Molly kicked me out. It's a whole thing.

I'm sure it is.

Finding you and Melanie

was probably not the anniversary present she was hoping for.

Wait.

How'd you know about that?

I bumped into Melanie this morning.

She was really pissed off.

I am really pissed off!

Sort of blames me for this whole marriage thing.

I totally blame you for this whole marriage thing.

I tried explaining myself, but she wouldn't hear it.

I don't want to hear it. Shabba-doo. Shabba-doo.

Wait. What was that last part?

I realized my story's sort of boring,

so I figured I'd throw in a couple of "shabba-doos."

Guys, it's Shaw! He struck back!

She's drowning in cheese doodles! Look!

Get me out of here! I'm allergic to gluten!

All right, don't worry, Vee.

We'll have you out in a jiffy pop!

She's a goner. What do you mean?

My office is a bunker.

That's reinforced glass. It's bulletproof, shatterproof.

I'll save you, Veronica!

Oh! And Carol-proof.

All right, get on the horn with 911.

Tell 'em we need the jaws of life.

Okay.

Shabba-doo!

Shaw locked the vents. I can't shut down the doodles.

She's gonna be breathing cheese for the next two hours.

Shh. What?

I thought you said it was soundproof.

No. No. Bullet, shatter, and Carol!

It's been a good ride.

It's just like when Spock said bye to Captain Kirk

in Wrath of Khan, except for with doodles.

I have been and shall always be

your friend.

No, Ronnie.

No.

Double Dragon has gone too far.

It's time for a parlay on neutral territory.

Well, well, well.

Look who came waving the white flag.

Hope you enjoyed my latest prank,

courtesy of my gadget guy Dolla Bill.

Kaboom goes the TNT.

That's not even how you say it.

Oh, I hate this guy.

This has gone far enough, Shaw.

You put a woman in the hospital.

She'll live, but...

It's the worst case of orange lung I've ever seen.

Wow. It's quite cheesy.

Hey, if you want this war to end,

all you have to do is tell the world

that Double Dragon is number one.

All right, look,

let's settle this once and for all.

A duel. Whoever wins will get bragging rights

to say they are number one.

What do you say, tomorrow,

Contra and Double Dragon square off

in a contest of strength, endurance, and athleticism?

Name your game.

Sloshball.

Um, what's sloshball?

It's like kickball, but with beer,

and we destroy every year.

You only beat us because you always have a ringer.

Lucky for us, we've got one, too.

Whoever you've got, we can handle him.

Not a him.

What?

We just lost.

What? Why?

You should see her kick a ball.

Oh, my God! It's still going!

Mel, what are you doing here?

Same thing you did. Moving on with my life.

Mel, we're family.

Yeah, we were family,

until he married her, and you allowed it.

We'll see you on the field tomorrow, loser.

I'm gonna pound your ass until I am fully satisfied.

Dude, really?

It's like you're doing it on purpose.

All right. Here's the rules of sloshball.

First base, you drink a beer,

second base, you drink a beer,

third base... Drink a beer, perhaps?

You do a keg stand.

Now drink a beer for interrupting me.

What? No. Do it! Drink it!

Drink it all! Take it all down!

Drink it! Drink it! Drink it!

Okay.

Let's get sloshed!

Hey. I wanted to say I'm sorry for...

Yeah!

Oh!

Go! Chug! Chug! Yeah!

Oh! Oh!

They don't believe and we cover your tail

And get you to run around

You rappers be trying hard, but me I just rat it out

Planning a career when it was already mapped out

Oh!

He struck out in kickball! Who does that?

Remember after listening, put these old rings on

Hello, Captain's here...

Okay. Okay. Let's just say you got me, all right?

Aah! Oh!

Boo!

Come on! Bad sportsmanship, you traitor!

Cam, what are you doing?

You're not supposed to be drinking now.

I'm sad.

Get in there. I'm gonna get another one.

You're going the wrong way!

They don't believe and we cover your tail

Okay, slugger, you're up.

Bases are loaded. One grand slam,

and we're only one grand slam away from tying this thing.

Oz, we don't have a shot.

They've got Melanie.

It's all my fault.

Hey. Hey. Look.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay?

Even if we lose this thing, we're still gonna win.

Now go get 'em.

Do you wanna get French fries after this?

Sure. Yes!

Go get 'em. Go get 'em.

Come on!

No batter. Ha.

I made love to you, and you broke my heart!

I made love to you!

Please. Don't embarrass yourself in front of your wife.

Oh, that is it! That is it!

I am bringing the heat! I'm bringing the heat!

Come on! Send it!

You're out! Double Dragon wins!

Yeah! Ha-ha!

Oh, ho! You lose, Oz!

I shoved it down your throat, and it felt so good!

I don't even care how that sounds 'cause I'm number one!

I'm not so sure about that, Shaw.

In order to be number one, you sort of have to have a company.

What?

Your phone just got a message.

They just demolished our servers.

No. There's no way you broke in.

You never had access!

But I did.

You lose, Shaw.

Boom goes the TNT.

Good morning, professionals.

I'm fine. Thanks for the no hospital visits.

Hey, Ronnie! Welcome back.

Nice to see you up and about.

You know, we had the cheese doodles

removed from the vending machine in honor of you.

Ohh.

Hey.

Just in case I die from alcohol poisoning,

I wanted to say I'm sorry for being such an ass.

No, I'm the one who confused how comfortable we got

for something more.

Look,

I know you still love her.

Everybody knows.

I'm sorry. I tried to move on.

Well, don't be.

Now as your wife,

I am instructing you to stop being such a knob

and go and get the girl.

All right.

Nag, nag, nag.

That's more like it.

Hey.

Dress your bagel?

Thank you, Cash.

Attaboy, Dawson.

So...

You're staying.

Dude, I'm a lock-picker.

It's either this or grinding keys at a mall kiosk.

Listen, I vaguely remember

yelling some awkward things at the game, so my bad.

My bad for pegging you in the head with a ball.

Oh, you loved it.

I really did.

Maybe when I sober up next month, we could grab a drink.

Well, I don't date married guys.

But for you,

I'll make an exception.

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