Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

We've come to you because we have a very big problem.

And who better to come to than you?

We had no idea planning a wedding was gonna be so difficult.

It's like riding a pogo stick in a minefield...

Boom! (SOFTLY) Boing.

Boom! Boing.

Come on, what's taking you guys so long?

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

(SIGHING) Those are the most beautiful dresses...

I have ever seen!

Oh, no.

Topanga, do you think maybe you're a little too emotional

to make the right decision about this?

Those are the most beautiful dresses I...

Okay, okay, all right.

Where's Morgan?

I want to see how beautiful my future sister looks.

Hey, Morgan, come on out. Share the joy.

What are you, psycho?

Morgan, you look so beautiful.

We look like clowns!

Beautiful clowns.

Cirque Du Soleil clowns.

No, horn-honkin', big-shoe-wearin' clowns.

Honey...

Shut up!

I ain't wearin' it.

Okay. So, you know, just a little controversy

over the bridesmaids' dresses...

But I really thought that if I just expressed my feelings,

everyone would understand.

See?

They come with parasols!

And the best part is that after the wedding,

you guys are obviously gonna want to wear these dresses

over and over again.

(GRUNTING)

Die, dress, die!

Die! Die!

Oh, my God! Okay, honey!

It's dead! It's dead!

It can't hurt you anymore.

(SIGHING) Okay. Sweetie, how you doing?

Good? You good? You okay? Okay.

Well, about these lovely, lovely dresses...

Maybe it's possible...

That we are not...

Lovely enough... For them.

Just cut the crap.

At least Morgan was honest.

Well, that's it. If you guys can't put on these dresses

and get caught up in the magic of my Southern-belle wedding,

(CRYING) then who needs y'all?

You're from Philadelphia, stupid!

CORY: A Southern-belle wedding...

When, uh, when did we decide on that?

Every wedding has to have a theme, Cory.

For what reason, my darling?

Because it does.

For what reason, my darling?

I want ours to be Gone with the Wind.

Well, frankly, my dear, that's not the theme I want.

Really? What's yours?

"Have a nosh with Cory and Topanga."

Do you see what I'm dealing with here?

Plus, we have a guest list of 270.

And a hall that seats 80.

But we're not panicking, because we know a lot of people won't show.

And many of the old people have shrunk.

(SOBBING) I miss Grandpa Poppy.

We all do, honey.

No one should die in prison!

See, while everyone else may be going crazy over this wedding,

we, at least, have been keeping it together.

For our honeymoon...

(IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) Honeymoon!

I was thinking we can go trekking in Peru,

scuba diving in the Caribbean,

or river rafting down the Colorado.

(LAUGHING) It's not necessary.

Cory, I've made a ton of suggestions,

and you don't like any of them.

Well, that's because you haven't mentioned

the one place that I want to go.

Where's that? You know.

Cory! I want it.

Cory, I'm beginning to think this wedding

is just a prelude to sex for you.

That's brilliant, Sherlock.

Oh, so you're just marrying me

so we can consummate our relationship?

Me and 900 million other guys.

Wait. I'm beginning to think you'd be fine

if we just spent our honeymoon in any old hotel.

Or in the road.

Cory, that's sick!

That's sick? I'm sick?

You know what's sick, everyone?

We have been in a relationship for 17 years,

and do you know what I've gotten in all that time?

Let me touch something!

Do you understand that you owe me?

Yes.

Do you intend to pay me?

Yes.

In the road? Yes, in the road.

And you'll call me Don Francisco?

Yes.

Yes, who?

Yes, Don Francisco.

All right, I'll marry you.

But see, that was only the beginning.

Yes. Planning the wedding got a lot worse.

Because the next thing I had to do was pick a best man.

Now, obviously, the choice came down to my brother...

Or my best friend.

Hey, Cor, listen, as far as the wedding goes,

I'm sure you're under a lot of pressure

about the whole best man situation.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that.

I think you should pick Eric.

It's the right thing to do.

My best friend,

my absolute best friend who I love...

Cory, we get it. Get on with it.

My point is, he's the greatest guy there is.

You're the greatest guy there is.

Hey, it's no big deal. I understand completely.

Well, he's... He's family. He's blood. He's your brother.

No bond is more sacred than that.

You know he's gonna drop the rings down the minister's pants.

And dive right in after them.

With both hands, causing the minister to freak.

And cough.

And cough.

And then knock over the candles

and set the entire church on fire.

And here comes the fire department

with their hoses and axes, chopping up everything in sight,

and Topanga's gonna blame...

Me.

And I don't get nothin' on the honeymoon!

Shawn, give me one good reason

I should pick Eric as the best man.

Because I'm bigger than he is

and stronger than he is.

So?

So? So?

So don't you want somebody who's strong enough

to lift you up for the traditional

"For he's a jolly good fellow" dance?

I've actually never heard of the "For he's a jolly good fellow" dance.

Oh, here, I'll show you. No, I prefer that...

No, you're gonna love it! No, Eric, I...

Eric, you're gonna knock over the candles!

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look, it's happening! (SIRENS WAILING)

Eric! Look what you did!

Eric! Oh!

The curtains are on fire

The curtains are on fire

They're chopping up the dorm room

They're chopping up the dorm room

My brother is a moron

Which nobody can deny

(YELLING)

And that's why Shawn's my best man,

and Shawn's my best man,

and I don't want to hear anything from anybody!

(SIGHING) You talk now.

I've got, like, a rip here, in my pancreas.

He's always so tense. I don't know why that is.

No, but you know where the shoe department is.

Can we please talk about something positive?

What was positive?

Well, how about those talks you had with your father,

how proud he is of his little man?

Yeah, Dad and I had some talks, all right.

You chose Shawn as your best man

over your own flesh and blood? You're dead to me.

What did I just hear?

"You're dead to me."

Your husband just said that to your own son.

Alan!

Do you have any idea how scarring that is?

Alan! He chose Shawn as his best man.

You scum.

Sit down.

Yeah, sit down, scum.

Let me tell you what happened to this family.

Your mother and I met,

and we fell in love, and we got married,

and from that love, we had a son.

And we were a family, your mother, me, and Eric.

And yet, there was a void.

And Eric, more than anything else, wanted a baby brother...

More than anything else.

I love you, Cory.

And we had you, Cory, and Eric had a brother.

And the two of you could go through the world together.

Looking out for each other, taking care of each other.

Putting each other first.

That's all I wanted.

Now, we haven't asked much from you.

But they're gonna ask something now.

It's your decision, but if it means anything to you,

we would like your brother to be your best man.

Yeah. Fine, good. Whatever you want.

Yeah! Eric Matthews, best man!

(CHUCKLING) I accept, my brother!

Hey, you know something, I kind of knew that was gonna happen.

Had a little feeling, so...

I think this calls for a celebration, hmm?

(CHUCKLES)

Watch this.

This is the eternal flame of the love of the Matthews.

Hot!

(SIZZLING)

(FIRE ALARM BEEPING)

He's out! Shawn's in!

Somebody save the baby! Somebody save the baby!

Sparklers are fun!

So, anyway, I have my best man, and I'm very happy.

I'm not. Yes, but I am.

And I am Don Francisco.

I mean, I know it was supposed to be an honor and everything,

but, come on.

(SIGHING) Come on, what's taking you so long?

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Oh! Will you look at that?

My wedding dress fits you perfectly!

I mean, I don't want to offend anyone,

and my family's feelings are the most important thing to me,

but if she thought I was getting married

in that freaking monstrosity,

she must have been hitting the sauce.

Very nice.

I want you to know that this gown

has been in my family since the Civil War.

Musty little devil, ain't it?

Every woman in my family history that has worn this dress

has had a long and healthy life.

In fact, except for the engagement ring,

which I already gave to you,

there is no more important possession that I own.

So, please do me the honor of being married in it.

Oh...

Pooh.

(IMITATING TOPANGA) That is the most beautiful dress

I've ever seen!

Oh, you're happy for your new sister. That is so sweet.

Yep. I think she deserves that dress.

Bite me!

I don't know.

I just lashed out.

It was as if I was possessed

by the ghost of your Nana Boo Boo.

(CRYING) Nana Boo Boo! I miss you!

Is Nana Boo Boo dead?

No. No. Good, good.

And so it was at this crucial point

of the chaos which is our wedding,

that we... We finally decided to regain control

and call in... A professional.

When Judy Haberfeld plans your wedding,

Judy Haberfeld is there for you.

From guest list to guest last.

(CHUCKLES) From first dance to grand finale,

there is no detail too small for Judy Haberfeld.

We've heard wonderful things about you, Miss Haberfeld.

Aw. Please, call me Judy Haberfeld.

Oh, hi, I'm so sorry we're late.

Yeah, I hope we didn't miss any of the planning,

but you couldn't be too far in

because my wallet doesn't feel any lighter.

(MIMICKING ED MCMAHON) Hey-oh!

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my.

All right, well, that's enough.

Um, about the guest list,

I understand this hall seats 80,

but I can't possibly fit more than 65

with the theme our bride has in mind.

But we invited 270.

(LAUGHS)

All right, now, I understand

that the father of the groom

has agreed to pay for the beverages and the music,

and with the budget you have allowed me,

I have assembled your musical... Choices over there.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Cruise business a little slow, boys?

ALL: Yeah.

Don't worry, Cor, I got you covered.

Hey-oh!

Come on in!

(TRUMPET PLAYING)

Oh, yeah!

Do you have any idea how hard it is...

To keep a smile on your face...

Under these circumstances?

Isn't it wonderful, Cory?

George and his jazz group have agreed to be the band

at your reception for free!

Consider it my present to the bride and groom.

A blender would have been just lovely.

Now, if I can just figure out how to water down the drinks,

I could get out of this whole thing for about 70 bucks!

(SINGSONG VOICE) Georgie?

Georgie Feeny, is that you?

Oh, please, no.

Georgie, it's me, Judy Haberfeld, Judy Haberfeld!

Judy! Haberfeld!

You know, I was gonna call...

(STUTTERING) I was, but I moved... Out of state.

Uh, mission for the government...

Espionage.

All very hush-hush.

(IMITATES TELEPHONE RINGING)

What do you got for me, Chief?

North Korea... Damn! I'll be right there.

Do you know, they all do that...

Every stinking one of them.

But I plow on.

Hey, Feeny just jumped over a wall and landed in the pool.

Tell me, who is this person? I'm Judy Haberfeld.

Yeah, that's the name he was screaming.

What's up, guys?

I don't know, we're overbooked by, like, 1,000,

and Dad's trying to save money

by using Feeny as the band,

and Topanga's left eye is beginning to twitch.

It is not!

Well, Topanga, have I got a surprise for you.

Please, no.

Ladies, front and center!

Let's go, come on!

Huh? (CHUCKLING)

Okay, who wants to go first?

I totally love my bridesmaid's dress.

I totally love my bridesmaid's dress.

I feel like a delicate Georgia peach in this dress,

and I'm thrilled to wear it. Thank you.

I was very selfish and inconsiderate yesterday.

This is your wedding and I'm going to tell you the truth.

Your friends are stinking liars!

Shawn paid them 50 bucks each,

and I wouldn't use this dress to wipe my...

Hello, everyone.

Okay, don't do this. Look at me. I'm begging you.

Quiet, half-breed!

There are some people in this room

who shall remain nameless, Cory and Mommy and Daddy,

that don't think I'm best man material.

Well, I'm sorry I have to do this, Cory.

Look, rethink this, all right? It's a bad move.

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

You know something, Topanga?

If I can't be the best man...

Then I'm gonna be the groom.

Topanga, I love you.

I've always loved you,

ever since I saw you through that peephole in the bathroom.

And I know how you've secretly longed for me as well.

So, Topanga, let's just drop this charade.

Topanga, marry me, and let's make nick-nick.

Get him.

(SCREAMING)

TOPANGA: So, I'm afraid that all of our horrible experiences

have brought us here.

We knew that planning a wedding was gonna be tough,

but I don't think any of us

are gonna survive this engagement.

There's no way we'll make it until June.

There's just no way.

I'll do something very bad to Eric.

I will.

Honey... I know! I'm twitching!

Back off!

(SIGHING) Please, we're asking you to understand.

This wedding is the most important day of our lives.

But you people have turned this sacred, beautiful event into a freak show.

We all mean well, we just don't think

we're gonna be able to survive

an eight-month engagement.

We want to get married next week.

No wedding hall, no fancy planner,

just our friends and family.

All the people who care about us

right here, next Friday night, 8:00.

7:00 Central.

FEENY: Uh, one question.

Mr. Feeny?

You're gonna go through with it this time, aren't you?

Okay, we're finally doing it.

We're getting married.

And we want you to be there, this time, next Friday night.

You're gonna look so cute in a tuxedo.

Yeah, it's powder blue.

No, it's not.

Well, all our friends are gonna be there, too, including you.

It wouldn't be the same without you.

So please RSVP to our web site...

coryandtopanga... One word.

Dot com. See, coryandtopanga, one word,

is sort of like a symbol of our unity.

No, it's a computer thing.

Unity! coryandtopanga.com.

See you at our wedding.

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