Original subtitles

Dad, you gotta kick Mom out of the store,

or we're gonna go bust by Tuesday.

Put those down. Those are rock-climbing shoes.

You are not doing any rock climbing.

A skinny little man like you?

We ain't gonna make it to Tuesday.

There is a yogurt store down the street.

Now go get yogurt. That's where you belong.

And get strawberry.

Amy, I think the customers have their own mothers

who can nag them about their rock climbing interests.

Well, you asked me to help you 'cause the store was so busy.

Honey, it's just that you've been a protective mother figure for so long,

it's kind of getting in the way of what we used to call sales.

Oh, you're crazy.

Kill fish? You're gonna kill fish?

The fish stuff is not moving, Dad.

I have sold shoes. I have sold ties.

I've been in retail all my life.

Selling is selling. What do you mean "technical"?

Is this for, like, water?

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Somebody stop me.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

We might as well face it, Dad.

We're in the middle of Philadelphia. We're never gonna find anybody.

Yeah. What we need is a Grizzly Adams mountain man

who lives the outdoor life,

knows this equipment, who needs a job

and happens to wander in here.

Excuse me.

I just happened to wander in here looking for the yogurt shop.

I heard they was hirin' scoopers,

although I know a lot less about yogurt, sprinkles and waffle cones

than I do about wilderness equipment.

I am in powerful need of employment.

Yeah, it's four doors down on the left. You can't miss it.

Much obliged.

Wait a minute!

Hold on there, young man. You're not leaving this house

till you have yourself a healthy breakfast.

Oh, Mom, there's no time. Cory's coming by to pick me up.

Sticky bun and a Flintstone vitamin.

Ooh, Dino.

Now you sit down. I'll just pop this in the microwave.

No. No. No time for that.

The boy's friend's coming by

and friendship's much more nourishing than any sticky bun could ever be.

What's in the microwave, Chet?

Now, Virna, you can continue to ask me suspicious questions,

or you can join in and embark on a new relationship,

one based on trust and love

and not goin' in that microwave.

What bills?

What are these bills doin' in the microwave?

They're from the old relationship,

but we've set sail on the good ship new relationship,

and nothing's gonna set that ship off course.

Hey, Mr. Hunter, Mrs. Hunter.

Boy, it sure is nice to see you back together,

a whole family again in happy domestic bliss.

Well, aren't you sweet.

If you don't want to see this entire family

livin' in an Amana refrigerator box,

you get your sorry act together and find some way to pay these bills!

Perhaps I should wait outside where there's a little less tension.

WOMAN: You spineless deadbeat, hiding the bills in the cat box. I'll kill you.

It's first of the month in the trailer park.

Now, Virna, sugarpie, honeybunch,

don't you go chewing my leg off over a minor financial fracas.

That's your new vocabulary word for today, boys, "fracas."

Chet.

Yes, ma'am?

I have been tearing tickets every afternoon at the movie theater

so we don't have to hide bills in the microwave,

but pay 'em like normal people, Chet.

I want to be normal, Chet!

(GRUNTS)

You know, Virna, if we're not pleased

with our little job at the theater,

maybe we should seek employment elsewhere.

Preferably one that gives us a little more job fulfillment. What?

"We"? What?

"We." You said "we" work. "We" don't work!

I work! I work like a pig!

Well, maybe you better ask for a raise

'cause we got a microwave full of bills, honey.

It's gotta be better out there.

WOMAN: I want to be normal, Spud.

I'm stuck.

Dad, Mom came back because she believed things would be different,

so you gotta do something to show her that you've changed,

that it is gonna be different.

You're talkin' about me gettin' a 9-to-5 job?

That would be different.

Well, maybe you're right, Shawny.

Maybe it's time I quit my ways of dreamin' and schemin',

and settled down, got a job, and focused on reality.

That's all I'm sayin'.

'Course, we'll have to move to Portugal.

Portugal? Why?

It's the pearl-diving capital of the world, Son.

You know, I can hold my breath underwater for over four minutes?

That should help you when she throws you off the bridge.

Dad, I'm talking about a normal job.

"We want to be normal, Chet."

Gang up on me, why don't you?

I suppose you want me to get a job, too?

Whatever would calm everybody down's fine with me.

This isn't gonna work.

Isn't. Is.

I think you are so immature.

Yeah. Well, that's what it is to be a guy, honey.

That wasn't Homer Simpson.

Oh. Sorry, kid. I could've sworn it was him.

Wow, three at once.

Oh! And they said it couldn't be done. Thank you, gentlemen.

You've been great sports. Thanks for playing our game. Come back anytime.

Oh, very good.

Anytime you can humiliate people who are weaker or defenseless,

you should certainly go for it.

All right, she got the bit.

Shawn, what a mess.

Indeed. But now, the school janitor

will have something to do,

thus we have ensured his job for another day,

thereby help the economy.

We are so underappreciated.

Uh, sorry about the mess here, Mr. Janitor, sir...

Dad?

Mr. Hunter?

Chet Hunter, educational custodial services.

Normal job for normal people.

Dad? Yeah.

Remember mom? Yeah.

He better.

Now then, you got your shoes, your pitons, plenty of rope,

a complete grappling set, and a full harness.

Now, you're gonna need this.

And I must say, you look just dazzling.

Actually, I'm not so sure about this rock climbing.

I mean, I prefer, you know, an elevator.

Look, this ain't about rock climbing.

This is about your evolution as a human being.

What's your name? Edgar.

And you want to be Edgar all your life?

You can get me out of it?

Eric, he's gonna kill that little man.

The guy came in because he wanted some boo-boo cream.

Ezekial sold him $700 worth of equipment.

Yes, but you see, Son, if all our customers are dead

from falling off of mountains,

at some point, business falls off, too.

My dad's the janitor.

Shawn, there is no shame in your father being a janitor.

My dad's the janitor.

You know, if that's what you dwell on, it's not gonna sound good.

But he could've been anything.

I mean, God! My dad has all these wonderful dreams.

(BELL RINGING)

And why does he have to be a janitor here?

Everybody needs a job. People understand that.

Hey, Hunter. I hear our dads have a lot in common.

And you say that why?

My father's a doctor, and your father's...

Oh, wait. He cleans toilets. My mistake.

Well, that was very funny, and if you keep it up,

I'm gonna punch your head off.

And then your father's gonna pick it up.

Hey, everything okay here?

'Cause if it is, we're just gonna take a little brief break

for your education, okay?

Great. Thanks. This won't take long.

Okay, now last time,

we saw how H.G. Wells paints a real bleak picture

of class differences in the future.

Okay. Above the surface, you have the Eloi living the good life.

Below the surface, living like animals,

you got the Morlocks doing all the dirty work.

Speaking of your dad...

Speaking of head off.

Now I know there are no pictures in the book,

so I thought we might take a look at the film version

of The Time Machine so for one time this year,

you'll know what the heck I'm talking about.

Here you go, Teach. Thanks, Chet.

Hey, Shawn.

Was that nice man your daddy?

Shut up, Crandall.

Ignore him.

Oops, look at the mess I made.

Guess I better go get your father to clean it up.

Hey, Shawn's pappy.

Doug, why don't you do me a favor first?

Sure, Hunter. What can I do for you?

You can bleed.

Hey, hey, hey! Knock it off, both of you!

Knock it off!

Well, it's Mr. Hunter in my office for getting into a fight.

Let me show you my big surprised face.

Come on, Mr. Feeny, just punish me, and let's get on with our lives.

This is my life, Mr. Hunter,

asking you what you've done and why you have done it.

It's nothing I did.

It's about you hiring my father to be the janitor.

(CHUCKLES)

My dad is picking up garbage at my school.

How could you do that to me, Mr. Feeny?

Well, now, Shawn, I never actually considered

that it would be awkward having your father work here.

Hey, how would you feel?

Well...

If your father working here is disruptive to your education,

I will certainly have to reconsider his employment.

You mean that? You're on my side?

Frightening, isn't it?

However, rather than take sides here,

I think the best course would be to throw it to you.

What do you mean?

I mean you are my student, and you have a right to decide

whether you want your father to work here or not.

So it's up to me?

Yes, Mr. Hunter. It's up to you.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

What are you doing?

Nothing. I just want to make sure that I don't make a mess.

Since when do you care whether you make a mess or not?

Oh, I don't. I don't. I just think that when you make a mess,

somebody's gotta clean it up,

and I don't want anybody to clean it up.

My dad's the janitor.

Why are you always on that?

So the toilet overflows, and Feeny asks the new janitor if he can handle it.

Guy says, "Hey, when I was with the CIA,

"I mopped up after the Sandinistas.

"I think I can mop up this."

Janitors are so colorful.

Mr. Feeny. Yeah?

I've thought it over.

Oh, well. That took all of five minutes.

I'm glad you gave it the time it deserved.

I think it'd be best for everybody if you just let my dad go.

Ah. Well, it is important to look out for everybody.

So when are you gonna let him go?

It might take a few days to find a replacement.

I'll tell your father about my decision after that, all right?

Okay. Thanks, Mr. Feeny.

No trouble, Mr. Hunter.

Oh, man! What pig ate here?

How'd I not see that?

You know, when you think about it, Cor, I'm actually doing my dad a favor.

He needs a job where he can do something important.

Yeah, I think I'm making the right decision.

Do you know there are no rock-climbing shoes left in the stockroom?

You know why?

Ezekial sold 'em. He sold every pair of 'em.

Yes, but he sold them to people who had no business buying them at all.

If we just get past that little nagging moral issue

that all those people are gonna die,

we could be very successful, right, Dad?

Eric, I had a dream last night.

Skinny little men in brand-new rock-climbing shoes,

falling off a mountain, screaming at me,

"You sold me these, you merchant of dea..."

Merchant of dea?

Death. Oh.

Look, Dad, if we weren't, you know, making stacks and stacks of money

like we are, then, well, dreams like that would really bug us, wouldn't they?

Alan, Eric,

terrible news from the hill country.

What, they found the bodies?

My mama's took sick.

Powerful sick?

Indeed, Eric.

And she sent word that she wants me to come home and tend to her.

Wait a second. You can't just leave.

We don't know how to sell stuff.

Not to worry, young Eric.

I'd never leave you kind folks in the lurch.

That's why I got my brother's youngster Lonnie

to come down here and take my place.

And this Lonnie has your same mountain innocence

and savvy sense of retail?

No. Dad, no. Let me take this one, okay?

Now you lookee here, Ezekial.

We hired you, okay? We didn't hire Lonnie.

We don't know Lonnie. We don't want Lonnie, okay?

Why don't you tell Lonnie to go back where Lonnie came from, huh?

Hi. I'm Lonnie.

Lonnie!

Hey, Dad, look who's here. It's Lonnie!

(SIGHS)

So there's this kid at school,

and his milk fell off his tray and went all over the floor.

Well, in the broad scheme of things,

you're gonna have worse days, Son.

And then somebody came along and cleaned up that milk.

And he did this in front of all your friends?

Yeah, right in front of everybody.

I see. Well, did he do a good job?

Did he leave the floor clean and lemony fresh?

Mom, Dad's a janitor.

He's a school janitor. It's humiliating.

I'm sorry you feel that way because I'm so proud of him I could bust.

Mom, what's there to be proud of?

Shawn, for 20 years, we have lived on your father's stories,

and those stories just used to make me angry

'cause none of them were real,

but your story about your father being a janitor,

that's real.

And, yeah, it makes me proud.

Well, hello there, my little nuclear family unit.

There's my wife making supper.

There's my son home from school.

The only thing missing to complete this scene of domestic regularity

is Dad's first paycheck.

Well, lookee here. And I earned it. I really did.

What the heck was that?

There's plenty more where that came from

that you probably won't recognize, either, Mr. Paycheck.

Virna, not in front of the boy.

With me chasing you around the country for a year,

I ain't really had a chance to explain to young Shawny there

the, well, you know, the dirtiness of life.

I'm so proud of you, Chet.

Thanks, Virna. And I think I'm doin' a good job, too,

'cause Mr. Feeny, the principal,

wants to see me in his office first thing in the morning.

Hey, kind of like father like son, huh, Shawn?

What's the matter, boy?

Dad, are you okay with this job?

I mean, it doesn't bother you to be cleaning up after other people?

Well, it ain't exactly pearl-diving in Portugal,

but, well, it has this amazing benefits package.

(SCOFFS) What benefits are there to being a janitor?

Well, for one thing, after being on the road a year away from my son,

what better benefit than a job that lets me be near him?

Mr. Feeny. Mr. Hunter.

At school, early.

Well, my life's work is done.

Good-bye, everyone.

No, no, Mr. Feeny. I'm here because...

Well, you haven't talked to my dad yet, have you?

No. We have an appointment in a few minutes.

Well, if it's not too late,

listen, I'd like to change my mind.

Oh, well, I don't know about that.

I've already started the process of searching for a replacement.

Well, you have to cancel it, okay?

Because you can't just do that to a guy who's finally found a steady job.

And my mom, who's been waiting all this time

for him to be responsible, came to the chair and put her arm around him.

Mmm-hmm.

You have to cancel it.

Okey-dokey.

What, just like that?

I'm the principal, Mr. Hunter.

I wield great and mysterious powers.

Besides that, I was never going to fire your father in the first place.

Why not?

Because this was never about your father, Shawn.

This was always about you.

You're the kid. You're in school.

It's always about you.

Well, what the heck was that?

I don't know. The man just runs our lives.

All right, Shawn.

What was so important that we had to be here five minutes early?

Oh, I, uh, just wanted you to drink this milk.

All right. I guess I could always use a little milk.

Oh, is this another one of those delightful little stunts?

Actually, Topanga, I think you're gonna like this one.

Shawn, look what you just made me do.

Yeah. Sorry, man.

Hey, Hunter,

looks like we get to start another day with your dad.

Yep, looks like we do, Doug.

Well, looks like I'm needed here.

Hold it. Here, Dad. Let me take care of that.

Uh, you don't have to do that, Shawn.

I know I don't. And I know you don't, either.

Well, you know, bow-hunting takes a special kind of man.

A man who can stand his ground

when a charging grizzly bear's comin' right at him.

I work for Merrill Lynch.

You'll be fine.

I must say, Ezekial, I'm a little concerned

about your niece working here.

I mean, she seems like a sweet, nice girl,

but she is on the attractive side

and could be a distraction to a lot of young men,

like, oh, say, my son!

Who has to work with her every day.

Not to worry, Mr. Matthews.

You see, Lonnetta was raised with 11 brothers, 9 male cousins,

and a whole pack of bloodhound dogs.

Now, we brung her up as girlie as we could,

but danged if she just didn't turn out all boy.

(CLEARS THROAT) So, Lonnie, apparently we're going to be working together.

I think it'd be in our best interest

if we took some time to get to know each other.

Oh, you mean that, Eric?

I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life.

Oh, that's mighty friendly of you.

Oh. You like to go hunting?

Like to go fishing? We can do some boxing.

Boxing. Ow.

Come on, Eric. Let's see what you got.

No. That hurt. Hey! What did I say?

Come on, Eric. Don't hold back.

Not the face.

Come on!

Yeah. Her brothers is real glad she found work.

(GRUNTS)

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