Original subtitles

OK, Eric, define the powers of the legislative branch.

The legislative branch is responsible for kissing the area below the nose.

- We have a test tomorrow. - You're absolutely right

and I'm sick and tired of you holding me back.

Let's get some serious work done here.

You know when you concentrate, you get this cute little furled brow.

Hey, hey, hey... There'll be plenty of time for that

and much more on the weekend. How about right here, Saturday?

Oh, wish I could, but my cousin's in from out of town and...

- I have to hang with her all weekend. - I understand. Ditch her.

- She's 13 years old. - Ditch her at the zoo.

- I can't get out of it. - OK. Well, tell you what.

How about if we double? Just so happens I have a 13-year-old brother

- who's currently available. - Mmmm... what's your brother like?

Cory's 13. What do you need?

Well, Laurie's from Manhattan and she's very mature for her age.

Oh, then you're gonna love Cory. You would not believe how mature he is.

Ha-ha! Hey, guys, look at me, I'm a fountain.

I gotta show Shawn. Shawn!

OK, forget about Cory. What about the squeegee guy by the bus station?

It's no big deal. We'll just get together in two weeks.

No. I'll talk to Cory. He'll be fine.

He won't do the fountain. He won't blow milk bubbles out of his nose.

He won't even do armpit theater.

Not interupting. Just passing through to get a drink.

As you were.

- Who was that? - That'd be Cory's friend Shawn.

- So he'd be 13 too? - Uh-huh.

I didn't really want a drink. I just heard Eric was down here

with an unbelievably gorgeous girl. And I gotta say,

as I stand here with my own eyes, it was worth the trip. Thank you!

Once again, as you were.

How about him for my cousin?

- Shawn? - Yeah.

No. Cory's my brother. I don't want to dump my little brother.

I think my cousin would have a good time with Shawn.

And if my cousin has a good time, we could have a good time.

No, Cory's my brother. Cory's my blood.

Shawn has blood.

Ah, Mr. Turner, a reminder.

Our faculty advisor meeting is today at 4:00.

Today? Really? 4:00? Really?

Is that the one where we get saddled with all those

terrible after-school, life-sapping clubs? Oh, please, let it be that meeting.

- Yes, that's the one. - I don't wanna go.

Well, unfortunately, you have no choice about what meetings you go to, Mr. Picky.

I'll see you at 4:00.

- Shawn, bud... - I didn't do it.

I don't know where he is. I don't have a dime.

Stop clenching. I'm gonna do you a favor.

How'd you like to go on a double date with me, Kim and Kim's cousin?

- Why don't you ask Cory? - Cory?

You don't think I'd ask my brother first? Is that what you think of me?

No, no, no. I don't think anything of you.

All right, then.

- So, what's she look like? - Gorgeous, spectacular.

Like Elle MacPherson with Cindy Crawford's mind.

- You haven't seen her yet, have you? - I'm paying.

She's just my type. So where are we going?

- I'm paying. - I love it there!

We need someone for the senior ski trip. You look like you could handle yourself

through a strenuous weekend of physical exertion. Am I right?

- Only if you come with me, Dot. - All right.

Chess Club Advisor - that would be George.

Why?

What?

Why "of course"? You said "of course." Why did you say "of course"?

I... I just assumed that you would...

That the little man in the sweater-vest

better not stray too far from the dry cleaners?

What are you getting so hot about? It's just clubs.

Any by the way, nice sweater-vest.

You just automatically assume that because I dress this way,

because I speak this way, that I was born to lead the chess club?

(all) Yeah, of course.

You're principal. You want another club, you say the word.

I don't want another club. I just want everybody to...

stop assuming around here, that's all.

I move that we all stop assuming anything.

Of course, you probably assumed I was gonna do that.

Wow...

Sorry, honey. I would've been home sooner,

but they took a little longer with me at the hairdresser...

No big deal. I ran the house real good. The kids had beer nuts for dinner,

and now they're playing video games in the bathtub.

Father of the year.

Mmm... thank you. I'm off to my poker game.

Have a nice time and thanks a lot for the compliment on my hair.

Oh, yeah, your hair. It's really nice the way they got it...

You know, the way they always get it... like before.

Honey, it's very different. I got a weave this time.

Really? 'Cause it looks just like the way they always get it.

You know, like they got it before.

Well, it shouldn't, 'cause I paid a fortune for this.

You have my undivided attention.

Actually, it didn't cost as much as you might think.

I'm thinking... a dollar?

Exactly! I paid a dollar. Now go play poker.

Beer, dirty jokes... I'll bet ya they're telling some right now.

- How much? - I don't remember.

Let me help you remember. You probably wrote it down in your checkbook.

100...

...and 30.

$130?! For a haircut?

Does... does that include airfare?

Honey, that is what Rodique charges.

Well, tell him to stop... and get some of your money back!

- Oh, I can't do that. - Yeah, 'cause his name is Rodique.

Well, next time you go to someone named Fred.

He'll charge you $20 and you can read Playboys.

- Go play poker now. - $130...

Oh, yes, I love you,too. All right...

- Hey, Joe. - Hey, how you doin', Curly?

What do you got for a single guy out on the town?

Envy, my friend.

Not tonight, Chubb. I'm flying solo, just like you.

Why aren't you hangin' around with your pal Potsie?

- I looked. I can't find him anywhere. - Let's see who Chubbie can find.

- 41! - 41, that's me.

Potsie!

- Chubbie, that's amazing. - Nah. You want to see amazing?

62!

Hey, Chubbie, you got any pie with that burger?

- You don't need it, King. - OK, thanks.

- But don't tell anybody I was here. - Zip.

- So Cory, how ya doin'? - I tried calling you.

- Where you been? - I've been here.

As it happens, I'm in mid-date.

- Oh, yeah? Anybody I know? - No, she's imported from New York.

The windy city.

- So, can I check her out? - Sure, come on over.

Shawn, don't take this the wrong way,

but your date looks a whole lot like my brother.

Hey, Cor.

She's got the voice down too.

- So, what's going on? - Eric and I are doubling.

- The girls are just in the bathroom. - Oh, you're doubling?

Yeah, you know, on the date you couldn't make.

- The date I couldn't make? - Uh, Shawn...

Ha-ha! You forgot the drinks. Here you go.

Oh, yeah.

See, he... he forgot the drinks.

So, Cor, only seven months to your birthday, huh?

Eric, tell me about the date I couldn't make.

It's not a date, like you know... date.

It's just kinda me and Shawn and Kim and Kim's cousin from New York.

Just having dinner. But enough about me. What do you want for your birthday?

Eric, I want the truth. Why wouldn't you ask me to come on the date with you?

Hey, not now, the girls are coming.

- Kim, you remember Cory? - I'm your brother. What's wrong with me?

Oh, yeah. You're the little boy who spits water.

He spits water? Why does he spit water?

- For attention, I guess. - Is it funny? Could I see it?

Would you show it to me?

I'm not feeling real funny right now, but...

I gotta head out, so you guys just go back to your date.

- Oh, come on, Cor... - Eric, I'm fine, OK?

Let's not push how fine I am.

Cory, you upset with me? Cory?

- Cory. Come on, Cory. - Eric, it's fine.

And... thanks for remembering my name.

Hey, Cory, you're still awake.

Yeah, Mom and Dad always let me stay up a little later than Morgan.

That's good.

Pretty funny running into you at Chubbie's, huh?

Funny like a clown funny?

Look, Cor, it's a really complicated situation.

Eric, how complicated is it that I'm your brother?

I mean, how tough is it to think of me?

- Kim didn't exactly want you. - She didn't?

No, but I swear I thought of you right off the bat.

- How hard did you push? - I was sellin' real hard

and you were looking real good. Right up to when you actually showed up.

The fountain hurt me?

She was just looking for a different type of person.

- What type? - I don't know.

I guess she wanted her cousin's date to be... kinda cool, kinda dangerous.

And she didn't see me as cool and dangerous?

See, you have a less obvious kind of danger thing happening...

Come on, Eric. On that danger scale, where would you put me?

If pushed, I'd say you're just slightly less dangerous than lime Jell-O.

- This is what everybody thinks of me? - Oh, no, no...

Some people think lemon.

Some people are wrong. 'Cause I'm dangerous.

I'm outta control. I'm... I'm...

Cory, Mr. Buzzy had a bad dream. Can he sleep with you where it's safe?

I'm Jell-O.

...and so, Harry Truman...

the humble little sweater-vest wearing man from Missouri...

shocked everyone by bringing World War Il to a swift and decisive end.

And then, by winning reelection, even when the press had counted him out.

Ha-ha!

(bell rings)

Cory, during class I did something I don't normally do - a lot of thinking.

And not about that big war part Il thing, but about you and me and the double date.

And this is what I came up with...

Oh, man, I had it a second ago.

You're sorry for not telling me you were going on the double date?

That's it!

But Shawn, it's not your fault,

because you probably just figured that Eric asked me first.

That's it too.

- So you're not mad at me? - No.

- So you're mad at Eric? - No, I'm not mad at anybody.

Everyone did exactly what they're supposed to do.

You guys went out with cool girls from New York, and...

I stayed at home and played Candyland with my sister... and lost.

That's who I am, Shawn, I'm a Candyland loser.

You're not a loser. I don't want you thinking about yourself that way.

- What did you do after Candyland? - Me and Morgan colored.

I can't see you like this.

I mean, I stayed in the lines and all. Mom even put mine on the fridge.

Talk to him, man.

Sometimes, you know, you just have to...

Shawn?

- I'm all alone. - Mr. Matthews?

How are you, my boy?

I don't... I just...

Now, now, buck up. Everyone gets passed over for a date now and then.

Mr. Feeny, everyone here thinks I'm safe and boring.

Well...

...difficult as it is for me to relate to your situation,

let me say that you shouldn't be constrained by how people think of you.

- George? - Hm?

The ski club and I were talking, and we'd really love you to reconsider

coming along with us on the big weekend, huh?

Look, we even found you a nice ski vest, huh?

Why, thank you, Jonathan. But I'm rather busy right now,

so could you stick it in your ear 'till I need it?

You'd be surprised how many people around here

- think of me as stodgy and conservative. - Aren't you?

There you are. My point exactly.

You see my outer appearance and you conclude

- that I'm cautious and unadventerous. - Like lime Jell-O.

All right.

If you let people's perception of you dictate your behavior,

you will never grow as a person.

But if you leave yourself open to experience, despite what others think,

then you will learn and grow. And when you grow and mature,

then you can rub their smug little earring-wearing noses in it.

You know, we gotta show people we're not what they think we are.

- Yeah! - I mean... everyone thinks we're...

- safe and cautious. - Yeah!

We gotta do something... stupid!

Uh, yeah...

- Hey, baby! - There you are.

- I missed you this morning. - Thanks for letting me sleep in.

Well, you got in so late.

So how was the poker game? Did you have a good time with the boys?

Same ol' same ol'.

Whoa! Wait, whoa! Freeze. Oh, yes.

I see in this light what you're talking about.

With the weave and everything.

Yeah, I can see where that would take a lot of work.

- A lot of time and money. - Oh, well, thank you honey.

So how did you come out? Did you win or did you... you know, lose?

- A little up, a little down. - Hmm.

Gordy just called a few minutes ago...

- Gordy? - Yeah.

He was curious if you and I were still on speaking terms after your $300...

you know... loss.

Listen, if I want to go out and spend a night with the boys

and drop a buck or two or 300...

uh... it really shouldn't affect whether we're on speaking terms.

Are we?

Puddin'?

- You have my undivided attention. - They called me names.

Wally called me a wuss. Burt said I was whipped.

Gordy goes... (clucking)

Hate it when he goes... (clucking)

- Alan! How could you lose $300? - The best card I got all night

was a six of clubs. What do you want me to do?

Go ask for your money back.

(both) You can't do that!

(both) Oh, but I can do that?

- OK. - What do you have to show for your $300?

I have a shirt that smells like smoke.

Yes, and what do I have to show for my $130?

- The most beautiful hair that I ever saw. - Thank you.

That looks just like the way they got it before.

Kiss me and watch the hair.

I'm thinking about hittin' the batting cages. You up for it?

Come on. I'm sure the kid that laughs at you doesn't work there anymore.

Cory? Dude?

(Cory) "Dear Eric, you think I'm safe? Well, I'm not.

"And to show you and everybody else, I'm gonna look death in the eye.

"I'm gonna laugh in the face of danger.

I'm going to the amusement park with Mr. Feeny."

With Mr. Feeny?

(Cory) "Yeah, with Mr. Feeny. Don't try and stop me."

(woman) In just a few moments, Adventure Park right here in Philadelphia,

opens what they claim to be

"the most terrifying amusement park attraction ever created."

The Last Ride.

The park vows to open the ride as scheduled,

despite vigilant protest from parents' groups, clergymen and NASA engineers.

Although adventure park owner Leonard Swindell claims the ride is safe,

he is nevertheless requiring that all riders sign a catastrophe waiver,

indemnifying the park against what Mr. Swindell calls "an act of God."

Mr. Swindell, if the ride's so safe, why the waiver?

Things happen.

Who would be foolhardy enough to step inside this bullet car,

for a 90-mile-an-hour spine-shattering blast

straight into the heart of terror?

(both) Hello.

Gentlemen, all I can ask is "Why?"

Because me and my buddy George are the two most fearless guys

you'll ever meet. And we laugh in the face of danger.

Ha!

Obviously your grandfather here feels the same way.

Young lady, I am not his grandfather. I'm the thrill-seeking principal

of John Adams High.

And I would like to say hello to my fellow faculty members,

who I notice are not in line with me here in the heart of danger.

Right now, our brave adventurers are climbing into the car,

as they sign the park waivers, which include an organ donation request.

Here you are, help yourself.

- What are you doing here? - I got a note.

- From Cory? - From Feeny.

Cory, get out of that car, it's not safe. You'll kill yourself!

Mr. Feeny... enjoy the ride.

- George, what are you doing? - You surprised to see me

in such a precarious position so far from the chess club, Mr. Turner?

George, riding a roller coaster is not the way to prove you're dangerous.

Would you care to join me, Mr. Turner?

Huh-huh... no!

Cory, as your older brother, I am telling you to get out of this car now!

Oh, now you're so concerned for me, now you stand up for me?

Well, it's too late, I'm dead!

- You're out of your mind. - Dangerously out of my mind.

Let's light this candle!

I understand. You proved it to me - you're dangerous.

You don't have to do this.

Next time there's a double-date, you're going.

- (buzzer) - I'm going?

- You're going. - Oh! I'm going!

Warp factor ten, Mr. Zulu!

And they're off! Straight up... straight up...

And... straight down. There they go, through the vertical flume.

Dizzy!

- Through the spinning wall of fire. - (both) Hot!

Now the screaming dive of death.

And here they come, back from their harrowing journey.

Cory! Are you OK, man?

- Aah! - Cory!

- Aah! - Cory, it's all right!

- Piece of cake. - What?

I threw up a piece of cake.

George!

- George? - Huh?

Weren't you in back when you left? Talk to me!

At one point, I was thrown forward out of the car.

I had to run in front of the car.

George, I gotta tell ya, I'm never gonna look at you the same way again.

That took guts. And if you want the ski club, you got the ski club.

- Don't want ski club. - You want the chess club?

Don't want chess club.

What do you want?

- Want you to help get the kid off my back. - Oh, OK.

Come on. Loosen the grip, loosen the grip.

There you go.

Jeez, Cor, next time a girl wants to go out with the most dangerous guy I know...

...it's you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Can't believe you did all of this because of me.

I did do all of this because of you, didn't I?

Mr. Feeny, you probably did all this because of Mr. Turner?

Yes, Mr. Matthews, I suppose that's so.

- Eric, would you do me a favor? - Anything you want, oh dangerous one.

I left my shoe in there. Would you get it for me?

- In the back? - Yeah.

Where?

- I don't see it. - Help him find it, for Pete's sake.

- Is it in the front there? - It's not back here...

OK, light that candle!

Aah!

Who's in... Wally?

Burt?

And Rodique... our very special friend from the hair boutique.

Which color chips are the dollars, the magenta or the blueberry?

The blueberry.

My lucky color.

- How many do I have to put in? - Just one.

Here she comes.

All right, gentlemen. The bad news... three tens.

Well, that is very impressive, Alan, and on many days,

that would be a most winning hand. However, today is special.

For today, Rodique has... how do you say...

...a full boat. Read them and cry.

That's it, I'm busted. I'm out. Go ahead, finish the game.

Turn off the lights. Nighty-night.

(Rodique clucking)

- What was that? - I am not sure. It came from Wally.

This game is getting totally out of hand!

Sorry I'm late, boys. But I got the pie.

King, I'm busted. Lend me a few bucks, will ya?

How about $150 million, will that do?

- Yeah, that might buy a haircut. - Maybe.

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