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1
00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:04,600
Good morning, class.
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:07,971
I would like you all
to let out...
3
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,203
your most agonized groan.
4
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,871
ALL: Aw...
5
00:00:11,912 --> 00:00:16,542
Good. Now, let's start planning
our springtime class play.
6
00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:20,212
ALL: ohh!
7
00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:22,984
Been there, heard that.
8
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,992
Now, before you give up
in despair...
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,995
you may want to hear
my play selection.
10
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:33,523
It has
sword fights, murder, skulls...
11
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,501
even ghosts.
12
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:39,700
- How does that sound?
- Sounds like Spielberg.
13
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:43,540
- Sounds like Shakespeare.
- Sounds like a loser.
14
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:49,004
We will be doing selected
scenes from the play Hamlet.
15
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,018
Mr. Hunter, in the parlance
of the theater...
16
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,452
you will be a spear carrier.
17
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,978
Excellent.
18
00:00:56,023 --> 00:01:00,050
So this guy I play is like,
what, a warrior and a hero?
19
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:04,530
No. This guy you play
has very few lines to memorize.
20
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,468
Miss Lawrence,
you will be playing...
21
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,471
the tragic heroine ophelia.
22
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:15,839
Now, this is a challenging role.
She goes quite insane.
23
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:19,403
Topanga insane? What a stretch.
24
00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:23,405
If I were a less-evolved person,
I'd say cram it, brillo-head.
25
00:01:25,218 --> 00:01:26,446
Mr. Minkus...
26
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:30,047
you will be playing the role
of the wise old Polonius.
27
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,493
Polonius?
He only has forty-eight lines.
28
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:40,057
I sort of pictured myself
as the melancholy Dane.
29
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,069
For those of you unfamiliar
with the reference...
30
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,129
Mr. Minkus means the lead role,
Prince Hamlet.
31
00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:48,539
Now, this is a tricky part
to cast...
32
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:52,477
because Hamlet gets on
a lot of people's nerves.
33
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:55,413
He makes one stupid mistake
after another...
34
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:58,543
and for five acts
he never shuts up.
35
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:07,089
What, do I have a booger?
36
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,423
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
37
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:16,024
Cory, I don't want
to be a windmill anymore.
38
00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:18,258
Morgan,
you have to work with me.
39
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:19,629
I'm not going to be humiliated
again...
40
00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:22,100
in front of everyone
on the Jersey shore.
41
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:25,434
You and Dad are going
to get your butts kicked.
42
00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:29,670
Not this year. Mom and Eric's
winning streak is over.
43
00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:34,840
Over there?
44
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:41,944
Hey, Cor,
can I borrow some cash?
45
00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:45,321
You're the one with the job.
I'm Allowance Boy.
46
00:03:45,358 --> 00:03:47,656
They cut our salaries
5% at the market.
47
00:03:47,694 --> 00:03:49,161
Now, look, I could have gone
to anybody for cash...
48
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:51,027
but I came to you
because we're family.
49
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,827
I mean, we're like brothers.
50
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:56,462
You're the closest person
in the world to me, Cor.
51
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:59,700
And your name is...
52
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:03,608
All right, look. For five bucks,
and you never tell Mom...
53
00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:06,009
I'll throw the Goofy
Golf tournament this year.
54
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,105
Hey, Dad and I
don't need you guys...
55
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,275
to take a dive for us to win.
56
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:11,978
Ahem.
57
00:04:17,557 --> 00:04:19,252
Yeah, you do.
58
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:27,622
"To be or not to be,
that is the question.
59
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,794
"Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind...
60
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:31,861
"to suffer
the slings and arrows of... "
61
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,635
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.
62
00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:37,108
Mr. Feeny,
who wrote this garbage?
63
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,578
Some say Shakespeare's plays...
64
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,604
were written
by a group of individuals...
65
00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:43,843
but I don't necessarily
believe that.
66
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,910
I personally subscribe
to the Francis Bacon theory.
67
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:50,719
I go with the Jimmy Dean
sausage theory.
68
00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:52,748
Please continue, Mr. Matthews.
69
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,158
OK.
70
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:57,527
"To die, to sleep... no more.
71
00:04:57,564 --> 00:05:01,523
And by a sleep to say
we end the heartache."
72
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:02,694
Can I please stop whining...
73
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:05,569
and shove a sword
through somebody's guts?
74
00:05:05,605 --> 00:05:10,201
Yes, as soon as you get
to the queen's chamber.
75
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:12,108
See, there's your problem
right there.
76
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,113
You want murder,
you want suspense...
77
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,638
you don't go
to your mother's bedroom.
78
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,621
And how are you
going to improve...
79
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,783
the greatest play
in English literature?
80
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,087
Well, for starters...
81
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,617
let's set this thing
in a burning skyscraper.
82
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:31,130
Then I could do sort of
a Bruce Willis thing, you know?
83
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,132
Shooting Uzis,
blowing away terrorists...
84
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,225
jumping out windows.
85
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,634
All this guy Hamlet does
is talk.
86
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,333
He even talks
when nobody's there.
87
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,040
Prince Hamlet finds himself...
88
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,136
in the middle
of a terrible dilemma.
89
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,443
Whatever course of action
he chooses...
90
00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:51,143
could have dire consequences.
91
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,345
He is racked With indecision.
92
00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:57,789
He is one of literature's
most human characters.
93
00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,849
You mean most wimpy characters.
94
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,986
Wimps talk, heroes do stuff.
95
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:06,260
The gospel according
to Jean-Claude Van Damme.
96
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:10,201
Ah, ophelia,
don't you look authentic.
97
00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:13,104
Thank you, Mr. Feeny.
Here's your costume.
98
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,369
Jedidiah sewed it last night.
99
00:06:15,408 --> 00:06:17,342
Wait a minute.
What was your dad thinking?
100
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,869
This is a minidress
and pantyhose.
101
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:24,577
No, no. Actually this is
a doublet and tights...
102
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:28,645
which is how male actors
dressed back in the 1600s, see?
103
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,383
You know, maybe
if Hamlet had worn pants...
104
00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:32,789
he could have made
a decision or two.
105
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,726
Is that a sexist comment?
106
00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:37,093
That's what I was shooting for.
107
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:40,122
Don't listen to her, Cor.
Her dad sews.
108
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:41,963
Now, listen.
109
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:46,564
Part of this assignment
is to learn the classical style.
110
00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:49,131
So doing the play
in its original form...
111
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:51,575
will help with the lesson.
Here.
112
00:06:51,611 --> 00:06:54,045
OK, Mr. Feeny, you don't want
to listen to my ideas...
113
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,140
the kind of ideas that could
make this play famous, fine.
114
00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:58,548
But don't expect me...
115
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,576
to sit around like Hamlet did
and take it.
116
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:02,679
Oh, and what do you propose
to do?
117
00:07:02,722 --> 00:07:04,747
I quitteth.
118
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,598
A stunning series of jabs
from Matthews...
119
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:14,099
staggering
an unsuspecting Feeny.
120
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,931
A simple move
in the art of negotiation...
121
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,130
my little spear carrier.
122
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,605
- You think he'll give in?
- What choice does he have?
123
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,574
Without me,
he'll have to cancel the play.
124
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,338
It's Less than a week away.
125
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,605
I mean,
who else is he going to find...
126
00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:28,375
who has my, dare I say,
charisma?
127
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:31,816
Yeah, that and no one else
knows all the lines.
128
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:33,842
Now I am alone.
129
00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:40,115
Oh, what a rogue
and peasant slave am I?
130
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,027
- You, Hamlet?
- Thou speaketh true.
131
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:46,897
[LISPING]
Thou speaketh like Snagglepuss.
132
00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:50,130
Melancholy Dane... he was Danish.
133
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:53,139
Maybe I should do this
with a Scandinavian accent.
134
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:56,108
[SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT]
Soft you now, the fair ophelia.
135
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:02,574
Nymph, in thy orisons
be all my sins remembered.
136
00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:06,346
Wait till Feeny sees our Prince
Haagen Dazs over there.
137
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,786
He's going to be begging me
to come back to the play...
138
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,585
with my Uzi.
139
00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:13,091
Coming to an elementary school
near you...
140
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:17,085
Hambo. Part Six...
To KiLL or Not to KiLL.
141
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,825
[IMITATING MACHINE GUN]
142
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:31,110
I just sank eighteen in a row.
143
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:34,238
You and Mom
are Goofy Golf has-beens.
144
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,907
I think we'll just keep
our trophy on the shelf.
145
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,076
The tournament
has been canceled.
146
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,949
What?
147
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:41,886
Remember that 5% pay cut
at the market?
148
00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:43,047
Dad's pay got cut, too.
149
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:44,750
He says we can't afford
to go away this year.
150
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:47,351
Eric, what are you talking
about? Dad's the boss.
151
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,385
He can do Whatever he Wants.
152
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,056
Dad!
153
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,125
Dad, what's this stuff
about us not going...
154
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:56,499
to the Jersey shore?
155
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,767
Uh, well, sorry, Cor...
156
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:02,798
but Mom and I
had to cancel that trip.
157
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:05,174
How come you did
this pay cut thing now?
158
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:08,271
Well, it wasn't my decision.
159
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,578
Well, whose decision was it?
160
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:13,609
- Bob Williams.
- So just fire him.
161
00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:15,678
I can't. He's the boss.
162
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:18,213
I thought you were the manager.
163
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,590
Well, I am the manager,
but he's the district manager.
164
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:23,095
Then above him
there's a lot of other bosses.
165
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:25,791
Well, come on, Dad. There must
be something you can do.
166
00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:27,299
Well, what do you suggest?
167
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,302
I suggest
Dad can do anything he wants.
168
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:32,702
Well, there are other people
to consider, Cor...
169
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,570
like my employees.
170
00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:37,098
Yeah, but, I mean,
you're not some spear carrier.
171
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:40,408
No, but I'm not exactly
running the show, either.
172
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,745
Well, Dad, I think you should
go in there and talk to them...
173
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:45,012
and if they don't want to do it
your way, then just quit.
174
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:46,678
You think
it's that simple, huh?
175
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:48,118
Yeah.
Throw a little weight around.
176
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,485
Trust me. It feels good.
177
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,157
Alan?
178
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:04,596
Let me ask you something.
179
00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:07,606
Do you think of me
as a spear carrier?
180
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:14,409
You know, the trick to raising
a 12-year-old is ignore him.
181
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,005
Can I ignore
the people at work?
182
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,744
I mean,
do they see me as good old...
183
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,581
"Do What He's Told"
Alan Matthews?
184
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,110
Alan won't complain.
Alan's a company guy.
185
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,521
There he is, aisle four,
with his spear.
186
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:27,321
Gee, I thought the spears
were on aisle five.
187
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,659
I moved them next
to the slings and the arrows.
188
00:10:30,697 --> 00:10:34,428
No, but really, I really think
I've got to do something here.
189
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,799
Well, I think we both know
what you're going to do.
190
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:38,827
No, you don't know
what I'm going to do.
191
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:40,669
Oh, you aren't going to talk
to Bob Williams?
192
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:43,073
OK, you know
what I'm going to do...
193
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:44,736
but you don't know
what I'm going to say.
194
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:46,972
And neither do you.
That's the problem.
195
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:49,174
You don't think I can control
my temper with Bob, do you?
196
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:53,345
Look...
Alan Matthews, Bob Williams.
197
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:56,719
Bob, Alan has something
he'd like to say to you.
198
00:10:58,725 --> 00:11:00,556
Bob has less hair.
199
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,652
Talk to the man.
200
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,962
Bob...
201
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,158
Bob.
202
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:15,600
Bob, I've got 150 people
who are working very hard...
203
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:18,805
and being squeezed very tight
by this rollback...
204
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:22,144
and my store is outperforming
all the other Market Giants...
205
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,649
in the greater
Philadelphia area...
206
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:27,710
and I feel that this rollback
is neither warranted nor fair.
207
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:32,625
Calm, succinct, rational.
208
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:36,151
Gee, I'm just not
attracted to you anymore.
209
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,687
Good night, sweetie.
210
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:40,028
Good night, Bob.
211
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,195
Good night, good-looking.
212
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:50,164
Now that I've got you alone...
213
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,700
Bob...
214
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:57,206
let me show you what I've always
wanted to do with your head.
215
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:04,646
Now, my wife
would call that cranky.
216
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,988
Hail, Corius.
217
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,124
Where's your spear?
218
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:17,568
I've got guys to carry my spear.
219
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,697
- Since when?
- Since you left the play...
220
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,001
and Feeny
shifted all the roles around.
221
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,134
I got bumped up to Polonius.
222
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:27,738
You look more like a Balonius.
223
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:28,940
Yeah, he's kind of a fat guy...
224
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,279
and there's a lot of lines
to memorize...
225
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:31,977
but you know
what's really cool about him?
226
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:35,476
- What?
- Act lll, scene four.
227
00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:38,615
Huh-aah! Uhh!
228
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:41,650
[GROANING]
229
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,059
Huh-uhh!
230
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,064
Huhh!
231
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,998
Huh!
232
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:50,899
What do you think?
233
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,735
You die pretty realistically.
234
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:57,732
Yeah. Feeny says it's
his favorite part of the play.
235
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,803
Yeah, so you're really
getting into it.
236
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:02,644
How's Minkus doing in my part?
237
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,445
Good. Good.
238
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:07,078
Really stinking bad.
239
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,611
He's killing us, Cory.
You got to come back.
240
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:12,921
Hey, if Feeny backs down on
the ballerina outfit, I'm there.
241
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,950
He's not going to back down...
242
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,586
and Minkus
is stinking up my play.
243
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,688
Well, I'm not
crawling back to Feeny.
244
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,596
Cory, I'm asking you a favor.
245
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,930
Shawn, yesterday...
246
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,799
you worshipped me as a god
for quitting.
247
00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:26,270
If the play's so bad,
then why don't you quit?
248
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,797
I can't. Too many people
are depending on me.
249
00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:30,103
Who's depending on you?
250
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,634
My dad.
He's coming to see the play.
251
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:36,342
Your dad's taking time off work
to watch you die?
252
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:40,182
Apparently this is something
everybody wants to see.
253
00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:41,447
You know what I want to see?
254
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:44,285
You and me shooting hoops
in the gym right now.
255
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,916
I can't, Cory. I got rehearsal.
256
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:48,518
Hey, guys. Wait up.
257
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:55,296
They disobey me like that again,
I'm going to sit on them.
258
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,936
What is he...
259
00:14:05,978 --> 00:14:11,439
whose grief
bears such an emphasis?
260
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,543
Stop, Mr. Minkus.
261
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,146
I answer only to Hamlet.
262
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,350
Stop, Mr. Hamlet.
263
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:22,384
You're supposed to be
facing the audience.
264
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:23,588
Aren't I?
265
00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:26,965
Hamlet, where are your glasses?
266
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:30,457
Mr. Feeny, they didn't have
eyeglasses in the Middle Ages.
267
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:33,768
Put on your glasses
and climb into ophelia's grave.
268
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,774
You know, I read an article...
269
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:39,266
that Elizabethan English is
a lot like American Southern...
270
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,745
so let me show you
a little something...
271
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,476
I've been playing around With.
272
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:45,347
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Shazam!
273
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,545
Show me what thou't do.
274
00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:53,991
Woo't weep? Woo't fight?
275
00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:56,551
Woo't tear thyself?
276
00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:01,090
Oh, great.
Ernest goes to Denmark.
277
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:05,093
Stuart, I can't breathe.
278
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:08,630
- Stick to the script.
- Your foot is on my liver.
279
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:12,410
I can't Work like this.
280
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:14,936
All right, all right,
I've had enough of rehearsal.
281
00:15:14,981 --> 00:15:16,448
I want you all to go home.
282
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,916
Hey, looks like
we can shoot hoops after all.
283
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:23,080
Yeah, let me just go park
my gut in the wardrobe room.
284
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:30,425
So, how's the play going?
285
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,364
Well, as you can see,
very poorly.
286
00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:34,957
You know,
when I quit this thing...
287
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:37,799
I didn't think that
everyone would be so affected.
288
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:40,362
Neither did I.
289
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:44,240
OK, Mr. Feeny, I'm still not
big on the pantyhose idea...
290
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,713
but if that's what it takes,
you got your Hamlet back.
291
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:50,511
Mr. Matthews, come here.
292
00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:54,987
I already have my Hamlet.
293
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:59,981
He may bump into the scenery,
he may talk like a hayseed...
294
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:04,486
For all I know, tomorrow
he may show up in kabuki makeup.
295
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,427
Nevertheless, he is my Hamlet.
296
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:13,371
I do, however, have an opening
for a spear carrier.
297
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,067
Spear carrier?
298
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:17,940
There's
an old theater expression...
299
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:21,970
there are no small parts,
only small actors.
300
00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:24,310
You know, Mr. Feeny...
301
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,045
maybe I wouldn't have
bailed on this play...
302
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:27,950
if you picked something
a little cooler.
303
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:31,548
I mean, couldn't we do selected
scenes from The Terminator?
304
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:37,085
Or how about
a Steven Seagal soliloquy?
305
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:40,963
You know, Mr. Matthews,
you are absolutely right.
306
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,730
Shakespeare is dry, tedious...
307
00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:49,503
and there's no way for a person
your age to be affected by it.
308
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:57,710
I am thy father's spirit...
309
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,947
doomed for a certain term...
310
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,954
to waLk the night...
311
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:05,924
and for the day confined...
312
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,426
to fast in fires...
313
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:12,397
till the foul crimes done
in my days of nature...
314
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:16,458
are burned and purged away.
315
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,766
But that I am forbid
to tell the secrets...
316
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:22,933
of my prison house...
317
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:25,603
I could a tale unfold...
318
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:29,411
whose lightest word
would harrow up thy soul...
319
00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:32,815
freeze thy young bLood...
320
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,447
but this eternal blazon...
321
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:40,949
must not be to ears
of flesh and blood.
322
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:42,517
List!
323
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,655
List!
324
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:47,455
Oh. List.
325
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,469
If thou didst ever...
326
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,903
thy dear father love...
327
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:55,271
oh, God.
328
00:17:55,308 --> 00:18:00,678
Revenge his foul
and most unnatural murder.
329
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:03,511
Murder?
330
00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:07,976
Of course, I'm no Steven Seagal.
331
00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:16,626
Dad! oh, it's just you.
332
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:19,654
Mom, you wasted
a perfectly good birth on this?
333
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:21,690
Dad's supposed to be home
from his meeting by now.
334
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:22,860
What meeting?
335
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:25,200
Your dad went down to talk
to the regional manager...
336
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:26,670
about that salary rollback.
337
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:29,004
What? Why did he do that?
338
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:31,168
Mom, he could lose his job.
339
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:33,007
They could bust him down
to box boy.
340
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,013
I thought you wanted him
to talk to his boss.
341
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,207
Oh, way to go, Cory.
342
00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:39,581
If Dad gets fired, they're
never going to keep me on.
343
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,349
You've destroyed
the whole family.
344
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:45,448
I got to go down to the store
and stop him.
345
00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:48,551
Dad! You didn't yell
at your boss, did you?
346
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:51,620
Why would anyone think
I was going to yell?
347
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:53,791
Hey, I'm the one who found
Bob Williams' head...
348
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:57,166
splattered
all over the kitchen floor.
349
00:18:57,203 --> 00:19:00,229
- Did you get my 5% back?
- No, Eric. I didn't.
350
00:19:00,272 --> 00:19:02,240
I'm going to cancel
5% of my dates.
351
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:03,536
Yeah, but, you know,
I had a very good talk...
352
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,942
with Bob Williams, and Bob
is very clear on my point...
353
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,242
I'm talking to nobody.
354
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:10,111
So, how did it go?
355
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,549
It was not the easiest meeting
I've ever had.
356
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:14,644
Dad, you didn't quit, did you?
357
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:19,124
No, I didn't.
I was tempted, but I didn't.
358
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,059
I guess you couldn't, huh?
I mean, with me and Mom...
359
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:24,119
and the rest of the family
counting on you.
360
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,495
No. I didn't want
to let you guys down.
361
00:19:26,532 --> 00:19:29,000
Wish I'd figured that out
a couple days ago.
362
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:31,333
I did let all my guys down.
363
00:19:31,370 --> 00:19:33,065
You mean
when you quit your play?
364
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:36,268
Yeah. You know,
being the lead in the play...
365
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:37,832
is a lot like being the dad.
366
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,174
Excuse me?
367
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:43,671
OK, so it's not, but still
if you make a selfish mistake...
368
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,741
the people who count on you
get hurt.
369
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,754
Well, maybe Mr. Feeny
would let you back in the play.
370
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:51,450
Well, he did offer me
a smaller part.
371
00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:54,425
The bad news is I'd still
have to Wear the pantyhose.
372
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:57,258
But nobody laughs at a guy
carrying a big spear.
373
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,963
Oh, good! Daddy's here!
We can start!
374
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,970
- Not yet, Morgan.
- Start what?
375
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:08,167
Oh, you know women. They're
always starting something.
376
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:12,234
Dad,
I'm sorry I got on your case...
377
00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:14,974
about you not being able
to take us to the Jersey shore.
378
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:18,882
You know, between us, I've
never even liked Goofy Golf.
379
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,112
Oh, well,
you could've fooled me.
380
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,245
You always looked like
you were having a lot of fun.
381
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:25,052
No, no. If I never see
another Goofy Golf ball again...
382
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:26,718
it's fine With me.
383
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,728
Oh, well,
you'll be really disappointed...
384
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:31,627
when you see
what's in the backyard.
385
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:32,824
What?
386
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:38,003
Whoa!
387
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:40,528
Goofy Golf!
388
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:44,566
Did I mention
how much I love Goofy Golf?
389
00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:47,340
Well, it's not exactly
the Jersey shore.
390
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:50,109
No, it's better. We don't have
to drive three hours...
391
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:53,414
with Morgan getting carsick
and Mom singing show tunes.
392
00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:56,580
Sometimes I think that's why
Morgan gets carsick.
393
00:20:56,622 --> 00:20:58,647
Well, come on, let's play.
394
00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:00,716
Listen, listen, listen, if you
want to make a hole in one...
395
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,695
in the Market Giant here,
aim for the right armpit.
396
00:21:03,729 --> 00:21:05,924
No, that'll bank
into Feeny's backyard.
397
00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:07,091
Not if somebody designed...
398
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:08,464
an imperceptible
little groove...
399
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,061
that guides the ball
into the cup.
400
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,968
Dad!
401
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:15,906
Let's just keep this
between us winners.
402
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:17,909
- Three!
- Uh, fore.
403
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,604
Whatever.
404
00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:22,205
Are you ready to pound
these weenies into the ground...
405
00:21:22,248 --> 00:21:23,545
for the seventh straight year?
406
00:21:23,582 --> 00:21:25,482
No mercy.
407
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:28,976
Unless you guys
want to give up now.
408
00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:30,488
Do you want to quit?
409
00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:33,492
Oh, that's never been my style.
How about you?
410
00:21:33,526 --> 00:21:35,517
I quit quitting.
411
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:41,591
Hey, my partner and I
are not quitters.
412
00:21:42,835 --> 00:21:45,804
Cheaters, yes. Quitters, no.
413
00:21:51,577 --> 00:21:56,776
Oh, that this too, too solid
flesh would melt...
414
00:21:56,816 --> 00:22:00,684
thaw and resolve itself
into a dew.
415
00:22:00,719 --> 00:22:03,051
This... bites.
416
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:08,349
If I was any more bored,
I'd be dead.
417
00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:12,854
What are you talking about?
Without us, there'd be no play.
418
00:22:12,898 --> 00:22:17,426
We're the few, the proud,
the spear carriers.
419
00:22:18,904 --> 00:22:22,362
Give me a break.
No one even knows we're here.
420
00:22:22,408 --> 00:22:24,876
Might as well be that wall
over there.
421
00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:26,502
Have some pride, man.
422
00:22:26,545 --> 00:22:29,571
Live your part.
Make it your own.
423
00:22:31,584 --> 00:22:32,915
OK.
424
00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:36,614
[POP]
425
00:22:37,823 --> 00:22:39,620
Oh, I thinks... ooh!
426
00:22:42,995 --> 00:22:46,431
Ah! Shakespeare
as it was meant to be.
427
00:22:56,942 --> 00:22:58,569
Grrr????????????????????????????????????????????????
428
00:22:58,619 --> 00:23:03,169
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