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1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,463
"Once I wished
I was a duck...
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,973
"as mostly ducks
have lots of luck.
3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,976
"They swim around
all day in a pool...
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,740
and mostly never
have to go to school."
5
00:00:12,779 --> 00:00:13,939
[LAUGHTER]
6
00:00:13,981 --> 00:00:17,109
Beaver, I think
that's very, very cute.
7
00:00:17,150 --> 00:00:19,584
Hey, Beav, you still think
you'll get a prize for that?
8
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:20,780
Sure, Wally.
9
00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:24,655
I'm the only kid in the third
grade who wrote a poem.
10
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,181
[MUSIC PLAYS]
11
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,225
So, how do you feel...
12
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:34,325
Ward and June handled
their family problem?
13
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,529
- They were too perfect.
- Too TV.
14
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,128
I agree with you, Mr. Matthews.
15
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:39,866
That's not like you.
16
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:43,035
In fact, you brought me
to today's assignment.
17
00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:44,737
That's like you.
18
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:47,508
Back in
the prehistoric 1950s...
19
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,517
when Cleavers
strode the earth...
20
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:54,009
The U.S. Census indicated
that a model American family...
21
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,522
had a mother, a father,
and two children.
22
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,922
Leftovers.
23
00:00:57,958 --> 00:00:59,823
What are you talking about,
Mr. Matthews?
24
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,555
Well, last year
in fifth grade...
25
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,995
we divided up into families
and solved problems.
26
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,965
It's sixth grade now,
Mr. Feeny.
27
00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:07,990
Families are yesterday's news.
28
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:12,438
Very well. This year, I shall
let you form into urban gangs.
29
00:01:12,472 --> 00:01:13,769
Cool.
30
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:18,301
Each gang will have a mother,
a father, and two children.
31
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:19,778
You just love dangling...
32
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:21,838
that little string of hope
in front of us...
33
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:23,315
and yanking it away,
don't you?
34
00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:25,614
I had a cat.
35
00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:27,779
I bet it hung itself.
36
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:30,489
In this assignment...
37
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:33,493
each participant
will help the other...
38
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,495
to become...
39
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,862
an ideal family member.
40
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,389
For instance...
41
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:44,234
Mr. Hunter and Mr. Minkus
will be paired as brothers.
42
00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:47,331
- Oh, no.
- oh, no.
43
00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:50,832
Trust me. You are going
to enjoy this.
44
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:53,311
I know I shall.
45
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:58,046
Now, each of you will write
a profile of a model brother.
46
00:01:58,085 --> 00:02:01,919
Then each of you must
become that brother.
47
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,445
[LAUGHING]
48
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:07,449
You mean Shawn has to act
exactly like I want him to?
49
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:10,327
That's correct, Mr. Minkus.
50
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:12,696
You're gonna be
Minkus' brother.
51
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,827
Nerd-o-rama.
52
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:18,838
I'd hate to be the guy
who had them for sons.
53
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,931
Funny you should say that,
Mr. Matthews...
54
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,532
or, as I like to call you...
55
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,373
Dad.
56
00:02:24,411 --> 00:02:26,276
He's gonna be my father?
57
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,280
Yes!
58
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,145
And Miss Lawrence your mother.
59
00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:30,547
No!
60
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,844
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
61
00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:33,340
[MUSIC PLAYING]
62
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,176
Uh-oh.
63
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,312
Don't look at them.
64
00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:42,514
OK.
65
00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:46,986
It's a game.
66
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:48,961
They pretend not to notice.
67
00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:51,293
They're very good
at this game.
68
00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:54,459
But then I pretend
to not notice them not noticing.
69
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:58,528
Bottom line is,
nobody walks away from this.
70
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:03,401
You have a rich inner life.
71
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:05,570
One time,
wouldn't it be incredible...
72
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:07,136
I mean, truly incredible...
73
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:09,546
if a beautiful girl
came right up to me...
74
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:12,051
tapped me on
the shoulder and said...
75
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,054
"I've had my eye on you.
76
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,956
"You are unbelievably handsome.
77
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:22,553
"You wanna talk
for a few minutes?"
78
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:26,157
[SIGHS] Is that too much
of a thing to ask?
79
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,599
Excuse me.
80
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,762
I've had my eye on you.
81
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:34,103
Are you aware that you're
unbelievably handsome?
82
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,936
You missed.
83
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,778
I'm Alexis.
84
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,784
What's your name?
85
00:04:47,053 --> 00:04:49,749
I used to know this.
86
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:50,848
[COUGHS]
Eric.
87
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:51,949
What?
88
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:52,981
[COUGHS]
Eric.
89
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,116
Eric.
90
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,529
Eric, Eric Matthews.
91
00:04:58,565 --> 00:04:59,759
And I'm Jason.
92
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,358
I'm the guy
you want to talk to.
93
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:05,531
He was just standing in my spot
when the miracle occurred.
94
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:07,540
You...
95
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:09,235
stand right here.
96
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:14,569
Eric, have you
ever considered...
97
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,844
a career as
a professional model?
98
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,351
Would your hand
always be there?
99
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:21,820
I'll guide you the entire way.
100
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,447
I'm in.
101
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,458
I'll be at my booth.
102
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,119
Don't keep me Waiting.
103
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,454
Eric, take me with you.
104
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,759
Why would I do that?
105
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,766
Because I am your friend.
We have been friends...
106
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,768
since we were, like,
what, three years old.
107
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:38,566
You're gonna dump me for her?
108
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:40,232
You make a decision,
buddy, right now.
109
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,366
Choose me or her.
110
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:44,468
See ya.
111
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,544
"I am Topanga's
model husband."
112
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,145
[LAUGHS]
113
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:58,521
I'm sorry. I'm just flat-out
looking forward to this.
114
00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,549
"I live my life
in harmony...
115
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:03,028
"with the physical
and metaphysical world...
116
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:05,725
"aligned with the Navajo
spiritual path."
117
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,926
Uh-huh. oK.
118
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:11,028
Um, I could do that.
I'd love to do that.
119
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,834
There's just
one little thing...
120
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,864
that might throw
this off just a smidge.
121
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,570
- What?
- I'm not a Navajo!
122
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,943
You don't have to be
a Native American...
123
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,607
to be in tune with nature.
124
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:24,173
Don't you hate it
when Mom and Dad fight?
125
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,617
No. Into it.
126
00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,120
Well, we're not fighting long.
127
00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:29,553
'Cause I got something here...
128
00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:31,853
that'll take the fight
right out of Mom.
129
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:34,861
Read it and weep,
little big hair.
130
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,830
"My model wife won't care
how dirty my room gets."
131
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:39,525
Ha ha!
132
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:42,501
"She will always let me win
at video games.
133
00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:47,563
"She will play street hockey
at any time, day or night."
134
00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:49,768
Why don't you just marry Shawn?
135
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:57,039
'Cause our kids
would look like horses.
136
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:01,377
My turn. Here you go, bro.
137
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,889
Minkus, this is,
like, forty pages.
138
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,826
Since I have no siblings,
I spend many hours imagining...
139
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:10,523
what a younger brother Minkus
would act like.
140
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:11,860
Maybe something like this.
141
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,538
Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.
142
00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:31,346
He thought he felt her hot,
mossy breath on his eye.
143
00:07:31,384 --> 00:07:33,909
He blinked. She was gone.
144
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,649
The beating of wings...
145
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,589
[WHISPERS] Obsession.
146
00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:42,017
Get help.
147
00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:46,326
Ahem. I was discovered today.
148
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:49,199
- You get discovered at the mall?
- How'd you know?
149
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:51,328
Did you pay $90
to get photos taken?
150
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,168
Yeah, you can't model
without a portfolio.
151
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,298
You were scammed.
152
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,501
They get you to pay
all this money...
153
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:56,702
And then you never
hear from them.
154
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,439
Completely untrue.
It's not a scam.
155
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,777
Yeah, listen to Minkus, boys.
He's the smart one.
156
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,147
I, too, was discovered
at the mall.
157
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,742
Doh!
158
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:12,117
Eric, girls are gonna
dump you all your life...
159
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,786
so... get over it.
160
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,297
He got scammed at the mall.
161
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,821
Scammed? How?
162
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:22,027
Well, some girl told him
he was cute...
163
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,866
and he forked over
$90 for modeling photos.
164
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:26,337
$90?
165
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,102
$90?
166
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,870
Can I speak with you
alone for a second?
167
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:31,035
No.
168
00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:32,635
I would like to speak
with you outside.
169
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,146
I know you would,
but my anger...
170
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,647
would still be here
in the kitchen.
171
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,207
Alan...
172
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,549
[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER]
I'll be back.
173
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,486
I know exactly what you
were gonna say to him.
174
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,583
No, you don't what I was
about to say to him.
175
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:47,820
Yes, you were gonna say...
176
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,692
"Eric, get your butt
down to that mall...
177
00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:51,287
"and I don't want
to see you again...
178
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,731
"until you get
your money back! "
179
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:57,669
oK, what was he going to say?
180
00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:00,434
I don't know.
He's more complex than you.
181
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:05,069
Anyway, the point is that we've
made mistakes with money.
182
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:06,544
Let him make his.
183
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,103
Honey, what are we
supposed to do...
184
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,672
just hang back, do nothing?
185
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:10,944
We are doing something.
186
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,919
We're trusting our child,
and if he makes a mistake...
187
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:16,217
he'll learn from it.
188
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,349
I have been a parent
for fifteen years...
189
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,154
and I think I know
a little better...
190
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:22,718
than to trust my own kids.
191
00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:26,664
Look, guys,
I feel like a total jerk.
192
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:28,724
You shouldn't let me
manage my own money.
193
00:09:28,768 --> 00:09:30,895
I'm going to the mall,
see if I can get it back.
194
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,370
Thanks for not
jumping on my case.
195
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,041
That's oK, honey.
196
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,567
I married you for your body.
197
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:45,343
Look at her,
that black widow spider.
198
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,546
I mean, she spun me
into a web of deceit...
199
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,953
and hung me there
like a dead fly.
200
00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:51,616
She thinks
she can Lure me in...
201
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:53,717
with her angelic eyes
and swimsuit issue body.
202
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,024
Yeah, well, she can't.
I'm a rock on this.
203
00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:57,586
Eric!
204
00:09:57,630 --> 00:10:00,497
Please don't let me give her
any more of my money.
205
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:01,830
I'm glad you're back.
206
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,893
I bet you are.
Now, look. I want...
207
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,598
- A job?
- What?
208
00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:08,232
I got a modeling job
for you here at the mall.
209
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,367
Oh, sure. What else
do I have to buy, huh?
210
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,537
More modeling classes?
How about a billboard...
211
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:14,570
a big billboard with
"Eric Matthews is an idiot"...
212
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,741
plastered all over
Philadelphia?
213
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:22,520
The job pays $50.
If they like you...
214
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,853
I can get you more
the next time.
215
00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:27,655
You're serious?
This is a real modeling job?
216
00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:30,094
Hey, either you want it
or your don't.
217
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,098
You're not the only
gorgeous guy...
218
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:35,067
with big hazel eyes
here at the mall.
219
00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:38,002
Heh heh.
Actually, they're brown...
220
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:40,767
but kind of a hazely brown.
221
00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:44,941
You know what the tough thing is
about being married?
222
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:48,311
Actually being married?
223
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:51,545
Yeah, that. And learning to be
the type of husband...
224
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,176
your wife wants you to be.
225
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:56,552
Were you going to say something,
sweetheart?
226
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,888
Heh. Not for the last
eighteen years, darling.
227
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:04,758
Hey, you get your money back?
228
00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:07,163
Better than that.
I got a career.
229
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,599
Excuse me?
230
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:10,569
Look, Dad, we've spent a lot
of great times together...
231
00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:12,332
and I'll never forget
how well you treated me.
232
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:15,341
Son, are we breaking up?
233
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,343
Well, actually,
I'm leaving my job at the store.
234
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:20,540
I got my first job as a model.
It's just the beginning for me.
235
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,947
I'm, uh, giving you
your apron back.
236
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,016
Thanks for taking it
so well, Dad.
237
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:31,047
"Don't do anything.
238
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:32,955
"Let him work it out
for himself."
239
00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:34,550
Fabulous.
240
00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,892
He Was supposed to realize
his own mistake.
241
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,592
No, no, don't even think
about it, sweetheart.
242
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,099
Sit back. Do nothing.
243
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,102
We've raised
the perfect teenage boy.
244
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,696
He's quite capable
of running his own life.
245
00:11:45,738 --> 00:11:49,572
Alan... I'm letting you
out of your cage.
246
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,076
Thank you!
247
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,574
[MUSIC PLAYING]
248
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:58,106
ALAN: Eric. you are not
going to quit a steady job...
249
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,016
for one
modeling assignment.
250
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,850
I'm sure if you really
think this through...
251
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:05,187
you will realize that this is
not something you really want.
252
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,624
I've thought. I want.
253
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,354
When? When did you think...
254
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,055
in the ten seconds
since you got home?
255
00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:12,564
That is not the way you make
an important decision...
256
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,089
that will change your life.
257
00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:15,896
You want to make
an important decision?
258
00:12:15,935 --> 00:12:18,233
You consider
every aspect of it.
259
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:21,172
And after you have thoroughly
thought this through...
260
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:25,007
then, and only then,
because I am confident...
261
00:12:25,044 --> 00:12:26,841
in the way
you were brought up...
262
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:29,746
I will support you
in what you want to do.
263
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,682
I Want to be a supermodel.
264
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,114
Doh!
265
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:46,056
OK.
266
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,327
Really?
267
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,334
Really?
268
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:49,460
Yes, really.
269
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:50,969
I am not the type of father...
270
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,131
who dismisses his son's
well-considered aspirations...
271
00:12:53,172 --> 00:12:56,232
with some quickly tossed-off
parental negativity.
272
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,368
That's it?
273
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,435
Shut up!
274
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:02,607
You are the greatest parents
in the world!
275
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:05,641
Dad, you're gonna let him
just walk away like that?
276
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,653
I just did, didn't I?
277
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:10,087
Yes, he did, and you know why?
278
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:14,389
Because your father has decided
to trust his children.
279
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:17,396
Look, Dad, I know something
about being a father.
280
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:20,593
And I know that this plan
of yours cannot possibly work.
281
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,625
If I ran my school family
like that, I'd get an "F '."
282
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,264
Don't you see Eric's
making a huge mistake?
283
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,365
Corey, let me tell you something
about being a father.
284
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:30,842
Um, it doesn't matter
if you see it or I see it.
285
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:33,107
It only matters
that he doesn't see it.
286
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:35,740
Well, in that case, can I spend
the night at Shawn's?
287
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,340
It's a school night.
288
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,180
Yeah, but I don't
see that, Dad.
289
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,345
Only you see that.
290
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:45,147
Well, do you see this?
291
00:13:47,193 --> 00:13:50,458
You know, Dad, those aren't
very clear-cut rules.
292
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,430
Kind of a double
standard going on.
293
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,228
If you keep changing
the rules...
294
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,758
how am I gonna learn
how to be a model father?
295
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:58,771
Ask your wife.
296
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:06,078
So, this family's crisis...
297
00:14:06,112 --> 00:14:10,572
the older, cooler brother
wants to get a tattoo.
298
00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:12,083
Conflicts abound.
299
00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:15,781
Take it away,
younger, uncool brother.
300
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:18,086
I can't fathom
why any human being...
301
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,921
in full possession
of his faculties...
302
00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:22,223
would want to render himself
permanently disfigured...
303
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:24,991
with so-called "body art. "
304
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:29,561
Whoa.
305
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:30,626
What?
306
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:33,867
I'm such a good geek
I scared myself.
307
00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:37,535
Listen, pinhead, it's my body.
308
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:40,045
And I'll do whatever
I want with it...
309
00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:42,513
unless maybe you'd like
to try and stop me...
310
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,516
you woodchuck faced,
nearsighted...
311
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,075
underweight,
future I.R.S. auditor.
312
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:51,056
Mr. Minkus,
I might remind you...
313
00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:53,058
that eventually
the bell will ring...
314
00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:55,253
and he will be he,
and you will be you...
315
00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:58,092
and natural selection
will once again rule...
316
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,190
the blackboard jungle.
317
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,331
Will five cover it?
318
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,600
Hey, talk some more.
319
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:10,075
OK, you live under our roof.
320
00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:11,906
We make the decisions.
No tattoo.
321
00:15:11,944 --> 00:15:13,935
Tattoo, you, no.
322
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,949
A person's body is his temple.
323
00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:20,749
If our son Wants to ornament
his temple With a tattoo...
324
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,914
let him worship
in his own way.
325
00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:25,082
Nam myo ho renge kyo.
326
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:27,251
You are so bizarre!
327
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,893
I've decided, without benefit
of discussion with my spouse...
328
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,230
because that's the kind of
husband I know you'll be...
329
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,793
the tattoo will have to wait.
330
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,040
Whoa.
331
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:43,598
Cool.
332
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:47,044
Stuart, a tattoo.
333
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:48,569
It speaks to me.
334
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,975
Minkus, what's the deal?
335
00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:54,714
We agreed on no tattoo.
336
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:58,053
Mr. Feeny's assignment was
to solve a family problem...
337
00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:00,320
and I decided
to solve it my way.
338
00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:02,384
Well, actually, his way.
339
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:03,895
Minkus...
340
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:06,057
you've got a dark side.
341
00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:08,498
It speaks to me.
342
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:11,628
Let's not go overboard.
It's just a press-on.
343
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,070
Great.
344
00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:15,130
Thanks for screwing up
the assignment.
345
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:17,142
On the contrary, Mr. Matthews.
346
00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:20,111
Mr. Minkus didn't screw up
the assignment at all.
347
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,205
Yeah, but we had
our family discussion...
348
00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:24,079
all planned out,
and he messed it up.
349
00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:25,344
He broke the rules.
350
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:29,684
Which is exactly what happens
in real families.
351
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:32,816
There is no model household.
352
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:35,123
There are no model parents.
353
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,527
I think the only way
you can judge a family...
354
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,394
is by how much love
there is in the home.
355
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:40,899
Excellent point,
Miss Lawrence.
356
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,697
A family is a living,
breathing thing...
357
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:47,103
that requires constant
adjustment and change.
358
00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:48,970
But Beaver's dad
never changed.
359
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,999
You always knew
what he was gonna say.
360
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:55,036
Beaver's dad Wasn't real.
Real fathers have to adapt.
361
00:16:55,081 --> 00:16:56,708
Real fathers
don't have a script...
362
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,649
like Beaver's father did.
363
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:00,515
I guess it's easy
to sound smart...
364
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,214
when you've got the best writers
in Hollywood...
365
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:03,745
writing everything you say.
366
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,021
I Wouldn't know.
367
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,025
Hi. I'm Eric Matthews.
368
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,962
I believe you'll be
taking pictures of me.
369
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,966
[GIGGLES]
Because he's a model.
370
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,560
And we're the babes
who hang out with him.
371
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:19,070
Because he's a model.
372
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:20,504
And who are you?
373
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,235
I'm the happy sidekick.
374
00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:25,304
Come on, Matthews.
375
00:17:25,344 --> 00:17:26,675
They're waiting for you
in wardrobe.
376
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,680
Wardrobe... industry term
for clothes.
377
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,614
Excuse me.
378
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,413
Look, my shoot starts at 4:00.
379
00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:33,679
Make sure these girls are here.
380
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,586
I want them to see me
in all my glory.
381
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,988
I quit!
382
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:40,492
You can't quit.
383
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:41,754
You signed a contract.
384
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,421
Do you have any idea
what it's like...
385
00:17:43,462 --> 00:17:45,293
to dress up
in a humiliating outfit...
386
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:48,357
and have people gawk at you
like you're less than human?
387
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,302
Been there. Done that.
388
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:54,704
Welcome to the world
of big-time modeling.
389
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,910
What are you looking at?
390
00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:03,441
Oh!
391
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,745
Cory!
392
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,619
Cory, that lobster over there
seems to know you.
393
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,492
Boy, what kind
of idiot would wear...
394
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,619
one of these getups
at the mall?
395
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,060
ERIC : Come here!
396
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,791
Apparently Eric.
397
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:23,097
Eric, this may come
as somewhat of a shock...
398
00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:25,501
but you're a lobster, dude.
399
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:28,200
Look, Jason and I invited
2 girls here to watch me model.
400
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,834
Well, I hope they bring
a side of slaw.
401
00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,309
[BOTH LAUGH]
402
00:18:32,345 --> 00:18:34,279
You have to get rid of them!
403
00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:36,505
Jason!
404
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,847
Hey, come to see your brother
up in lights, too, huh?
405
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:40,249
Yeah, but he had to leave.
406
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,583
Why? What happened?
407
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,452
Uh, he's not feeling well.
408
00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:45,286
Yeah, he's a little
under the water.
409
00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:47,451
- Weather.
- Yeah.
410
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,188
Wow, how weird.
411
00:18:49,228 --> 00:18:50,991
He was fine a few hours ago.
412
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:52,964
So, I guess you want
to just take the girls...
413
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,626
and get out of here
immediately, right?
414
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,964
MAN ON P.A.:
Is anyone hungry?
415
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,799
Shoppers.
now's your chance to win...
416
00:18:57,837 --> 00:19:00,897
a free Lobster dinner
from Larry's Lobster Locker!
417
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:02,532
Oh...
418
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,008
oh, lobster.
419
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:05,601
Win us a lobster.
420
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,170
ALL you have to do
to win a free meaL...
421
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:12,344
is knock Larry the Lobster
into the giant tub of butter.
422
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:17,112
Eric! My brother Eric!
423
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,953
That's my brother Eric!
424
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,050
Oh, check it out.
425
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,618
Oh, he's a lobster.
426
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,654
SECOND GIRL:
How embarrassing for him.
427
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:28,667
Maybe we should be sensitive
and understanding.
428
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:31,067
Then We Wouldn't be us.
429
00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:33,367
- Dunk him.
- Dunk him.
430
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:34,873
Hey, come on.
Don't throw that, Jason.
431
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,137
We've been best friends
since we were three years old.
432
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,404
Who are you gonna listen to...
433
00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:41,413
some girls you don't
even know or me?
434
00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:42,436
See ya.
435
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,949
[MUSIC PLAYING]
436
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,593
Ahem. Welcome
to Market Giant, sir.
437
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,099
Here on aisle one...
438
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:03,601
you'll find our sugar,
flour, and iodized salt.
439
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:06,196
Over here on aisle two,
you'll find our cereals...
440
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:07,865
rice, and freeze-dried coffees.
441
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,534
Do your items
need bagging, sir?
442
00:20:09,575 --> 00:20:11,543
Here, let me help you
quickly and efficiently.
443
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:13,238
I know that cans
go on the bottom...
444
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:14,507
durable boxes on top
of that...
445
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,481
oK, oK, oK.
I get it.
446
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:18,813
You're the best former
box boy that ever lived.
447
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,148
Well, thanks, Dad.
You know...
448
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:21,847
it takes talent
to notice talent.
449
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,479
Are you asking
for your job back?
450
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:25,387
Uh, yes, but asking
is just my opening offer.
451
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:26,584
I'm prepared for begging...
452
00:20:26,625 --> 00:20:27,956
and authorized to go
as high as groveling.
453
00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:30,086
Eric, that position is filled.
454
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:31,653
You hired someone else?
455
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,464
Dad hired someone else.
456
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:35,728
Did you grovel?
457
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:38,100
How could you do that, Dad?
458
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:40,697
I'm the store manager.
It's kind of my job.
459
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,435
You got to give me
my job back, Dad.
460
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,272
Eric, I can't fire somebody...
461
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:46,210
just because you suddenly
want to come back.
462
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,770
Dad, do you remember
when I was little...
463
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,372
and we used to play
Monopoly...
464
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,008
and I'd roll the dice
and land on Boardwalk...
465
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:54,042
- while you had a hotel on it?
- Yeah.
466
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:57,749
Well, you called a misroll
and you let me roll again.
467
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,018
Yeah.
468
00:20:59,058 --> 00:20:59,717
Well, Dad,
this modeling thing...
469
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:02,751
I... I misrolled.
470
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,093
Yeah, but...
471
00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:06,655
you're not little anymore.
472
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,496
You wanted to make
your own decisions...
473
00:21:08,534 --> 00:21:10,729
live your own life.
I let you.
474
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,364
I know, but come on, Dad.
Just for old time's sake?
475
00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:14,736
Can't I be little again?
476
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:17,709
Eric, I'm not always gonna be
there to give you another roll.
477
00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:19,370
I know, but you're here now.
478
00:21:19,411 --> 00:21:22,847
I mean, you're my father.
You're supposed to help me.
479
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:25,373
Can I have my job back, please?
480
00:21:27,153 --> 00:21:28,745
No.
481
00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:32,053
But we could use some help
on the weekend night shift.
482
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:34,616
My old job?
483
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:37,458
Goodbye, Friday
and Saturday nights.
484
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:38,690
What's the difference?
485
00:21:38,731 --> 00:21:40,699
After those two girls
tell all the other girls...
486
00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:42,997
about your secret life
as a lobster...
487
00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:45,299
do you think
you'll ever date again?
488
00:21:45,337 --> 00:21:47,396
I'll take the job.
489
00:21:47,439 --> 00:21:49,498
Ooh, you're good.
490
00:21:49,542 --> 00:21:51,237
Oh, you think so, huh?
491
00:21:51,277 --> 00:21:53,575
Yeah, because when
you're a good father...
492
00:21:53,612 --> 00:21:54,772
like you and me...
493
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:56,509
you realize
that once in a while...
494
00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:59,382
kids do stupid things
like become a lobster...
495
00:21:59,418 --> 00:22:00,851
or get a tattoo.
496
00:22:00,886 --> 00:22:03,582
But a family's a living,
breathing thing.
497
00:22:03,622 --> 00:22:05,419
And you didn't
let that throw you.
498
00:22:05,457 --> 00:22:07,220
Did you get a tattoo?
499
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,819
- Hmm?
- What?
500
00:22:11,864 --> 00:22:14,799
Did you get a tattoo?
Because if you got a tattoo...
501
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:17,803
You are not gonna be a living,
breathing thing. Where is it?
502
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,668
- You're missing the point, Dad!
- Where's the tattoo?
503
00:22:25,477 --> 00:22:27,604
[GRUNTING]
504
00:22:35,487 --> 00:22:37,512
So you teach modeling, huh?
505
00:22:37,556 --> 00:22:39,319
Mm-hmm.
506
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:41,155
And you probably sell
the pictures...
507
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:43,218
a guy would need
for his portfolio, too?
508
00:22:43,262 --> 00:22:44,456
Mm-hmm.
509
00:22:44,496 --> 00:22:47,932
And that would run in the range
of what, ninety bucks?
510
00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:49,798
Are you lost?
511
00:22:49,835 --> 00:22:52,736
No. See, I saw your
modeling pictures up here...
512
00:22:52,771 --> 00:22:53,965
and I was wondering...
513
00:22:54,006 --> 00:22:55,473
If I'm the type of guy
you're looking for.
514
00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:57,168
Not interested.
515
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:58,801
How come
you're not interested?
516
00:23:00,012 --> 00:23:01,673
Do you have $90?
517
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,807
See ya????????????????????????????????????????????????
518
00:23:03,857 --> 00:23:08,407
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