All language subtitles for Bored To Death s02e05 Forty Two Down.eng

I never had the guts to try out
for "The New Yorker" before,

but now I'm ready.

Is this magazine still around?

Of course. Anyway,

I think I can win this contest.

I'm going to turn my cases
into stories,

but I need to come up
with a heroic alter ego.

- Like you did with Super Ray.
- I have a new alter-alter ego...

- Kevin Bacon.
- What do you mean Kevin Bacon?

He emailed me this morning.
Somehow he saw "The Birth of Super Ray."

He wants to meet tonight.
He thinks he can option it for like $10,000.

My God, this is huge!
He wants to play Super Ray?

Yes. He thinks it can finally be
his big franchise character.

Kind of like a drunken Batman
with a big cock.

This is amazing.
I love Kevin Bacon.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, it's George.
I've got to grab this real quick.

I'm gonna get some more iced coffee.
It's free refills.

- Hello, George?
- Hey, Jonathan.

I'm just calling to confirm--
8:30, your class, right?

Yes, and you can talk
about whatever you want.

It-- you know, writing related.

Oh, I'm gonna give a good talk,
I promise. I'm feeling very inspired.

I just wrote what might be
my best column ever.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh hey, gotta go.
I got another call coming in.

- Hello?
- Hello.

- Hello, who's this?
- Hello, George?

George?

Thank you.

Oh my God, you just
spilled coffee on my baby!

I'm so-- I'm so sorry!
It's iced coffee. It's just iced coffee.

- Oh my God, this is terrible.
- I think you should call the police.

Are you crazy?
It's just iced coffee.

I had much worse things
happen to me when I was a kid.

- It's fine.
- Don't tell me how my child is doing!

Are you okay, sweetie?

Can I get another refill, please?

I'm sorry. Ow, fuck!

Wow, I've never been 86'd
from a cafe.

Screw those Brooklyn moms.
I hate women.

Really? What about
the new woman you're dating?

Oh, I gotta break up with her.

She's paranoid, needy and jealous.

All of which make her good in bed,
but the rest of the time it is hell.

Man, that does sound bad.

She also hacked
into my email account

and put her picture
on my phone.

Every time I make a call
I have to see her face.

Oh my God, that's Jennifer Gladwell.
I know her!

- Brooklyn is so small.
- Wait, how do you know her?

She's one of my first clients.
She's definitely nuts.

She hired me to tail her boyfriend.

Well, I'm gonna break up with her later.
I wanna feel

like everything's in order
before my meeting with Kevin Bacon.

So if he options it,
what are you gonna do with the money?

Well, probably get some health insurance.
Go to the dentist.

I haven't been
to the dentist in 14 years.

I have more plaque on my teeth
than teeth.

Shit, 14 years?
What else?

I don't know.
I'll get some drawing pencils,

a new insulin pump
for my mom,

maybe cover up some
of these varicose veins.

Come come.

So, table for one,
my friend?

- Hmm?
- Jonathan Ames.

- Yes.
- He's for me, Akhil.

Hello.

You must be
Lakshmi Bhargava.

Very good.
I'm impressed by your pronunciation.

Thank you. I listen
to a lot of NPR.

Come.

So how can I help you,
Mrs. Bhargava?

Well, I'm so ashamed
to say this,

but I suspect my husband
of 15 years, Vikram,

is having a love affair.

- What makes you think so?
- He's a limousine driver,

but he's been coming home for weeks
only after I've gone to sleep.

- What excuse does he give?
- No excuse.

He must be with a woman who cooks bacon
after they make love.

I smell it on his clothes
and his bald head.

I should have never
married a poet!

But it was arranged.
Still I-- I've come to love him.

He's a limo driver
and a poet?

That's great.
I'm a detective and a writer.

It's good to have more
than one profession. I also teach.

I don't care. I just want you
to follow my husband.

Right.

Oh!
Uh hey, buddy?

Why don't you go ahead
and pour me another one?

This time make it a big-girl glass.
Okay? Thanks.

Jennifer, I--
Jesus Christ.

Jennifer, I hate to, um,

spring this on you right here,

but I think that

maybe we should stop
seeing each other.

Just for a little while.
You know, maybe take a break.

What are you talking about?
I don't want to take a break.

- I really like you.
- I just have a lot of stuff going on right now.

What's that supposed to mean?

My big meeting
with Kevin Bacon tonight--

So you can't date me
'cause you're seeing Kevin Bacon?

I'm not seeing him.
I have a meeting.

- That's what you're making it sound like.
- I'm not dating Kevin Bacon.

Well, I don't know, are you?

I don't-- I mean--
what? No.

I just want to focus
on my work.

Okay?
It's not me, it's you.

No, that's backwards.

You say, "It's not you, it's me"
to someone.

Right.
It's not you, it's me.

All right, why don't you just
be honest with me, Ray, okay?

I can take it.

Okay, I will be honest.

You drink too much
and I'm not used to it.

I like to be the heavy drinker
in a relationship.

So I'll quit drinking.
I've done it a million times.

I quit three weeks ago, okay?
I can do it again.

Okay look, here.

And that's it.
I'm done. It's over.

Wait.

- It's over.
- Jennifer, you're beautiful.

But you're too much for me.

Someone will love you one day,
I promise you.

It's just like Dylan said,
"It ain't me, babe."

- Did you just quote Bob Dylan?
- Yes, because you love Bob Dylan.

Okay, this is now
the most disgusting breakup

of my life.

With that...

Do you have a air dryer in the bathroom
or are there paper towels?

Sorry to bother you.

I can't get 42 down.
Can you help me?

The answer to 42 down
is "nincompoop."

Nincompoop!
Oh man, thank you.

I had the "poop" part,
but not the "nincom."

Nincompoop's not a word
one hears every day,

but I got the answer
immediately because, well,

that's what I am--
a bloody nincompoop.

Well, I've just met you, but you
don't seem like a nincompoop to me.

Well, I am.
I'm a poet who can't be published

and I'm a driver
who doesn't drive.

The two things I love, I fail at.

- Why don't you drive anymore?
- I was let go.

For 12 years I gave everything I had

to Number One Limo Company
in New York,

but they show me no respect.

Number one in New York,
that's impressive.

No, that was the name of the company,
but we were number one in Queens.

- Have you tried other companies?
- Yes.

37 applications so far,
but no luck.

So I sit here,

hiding from my beautiful wife,

too ashamed to face her.

I know your wife.

Lakshmi Bhargava.

Hey, your pronunciation--
how do you know her?

I'm a private detective.
She thought you were having an affair,

- so she hired me to follow you.
- What?

Well, how much do you cost?
We can't afford you. I lost my job.

My rates are very reasonable.
But don't you see?

She loves you.

And she'll be relieved to know
that this is all that's going on.

Look, I know how to help you
and your wife.

You lost your job?!
I can't believe you lied to me.

We have a mortgage.
Get out!

Poet.

No no, he couldn't help it.
It's the economy.

He filled out
37 applications.

At least he's not
cheating on you, right?

This is worse.
This jeopardizes everything.

You are a terrible detective.

- I'm not paying you.
- Wait a second-- wait!

You love him, he loves you--
case closed. I'm a good detective!

Idiot!

- You've wrecked my life.
- But--

Table for one?

"We need to--
we need to defend

the written word."
Ah, that's better.

"Books are essential
to our humanity.

We need to defend
the written word."

- That is so good.
- George.

Oh hi. Come on in.

I'm just working on this talk

I have to give to this
writing class tonight.

You know, "rally the youth"
and all of that.

Sit down actually.
Let me do it for you. Come on.

- Well, George, I--
- I was thinking,

speaking to young writers is something
that I could do for the magazine.

You know, I could
go around the country--

like Mark Twain, right?

You know,
giving inspirational talks.

- Mark Twain?
- I could also, you know, like wear one of those,

uh, what do you call 'em?
You know, prosthetic mustaches.

It could be very theatrical.
Mark Twain had white hair as well.

You know? And he loved three-piece suits.
I'm just saying.

We can discuss this later,
George,

but a more pressing issue

is that we need to cut columns
from the magazine.

Ugh, again?

All right, how about
the astrology column?

We can lose that.
It's frivolous.

No, it's very popular.
The people love it.

I'm sorry, George,
but the board in Dallas

wants to cut your column.

My "By George" column?

Oh no no no no.

Kathryn, Kath--
I've written that for 20 years.

Just this morning
I wrote my best piece ever

about my prostate.

Oh no no no.
They can't take that away from me.

I know, George,
but they are adamant.

- There's nothing we can do.
- No, Kathryn,

I am my column.

I mean, I'm writing it
in my mind all the time.

Well, maybe you could,
um, keep a diary.

I'm sorry, what?
A diary?

Oh...

You know, let me ask you
something here.

What exactly do you see
as my role here at the magazine?

- I know it's been diminished, George.
- Diminished?

But you're still very good
at cocktail parties.

Our advertisers love you.

Cocktail parties?

Well,

maybe I'll have a little drink
right now then.

Yeah, hey, cocktail party.

"Hey I'm George Christopher.

You're from Dallas.
Oh, you must be an asshole."

Jonathan?

Oh hey, Nina.
Come in, come in.

Are you okay?
We can reschedule this if you want.

No no, it's fine.
I just, um,

I destroyed
a man's life today.

That happens.

I destroyed someone
last week.

But people are a lot stronger
than we give them credit for.

At least that's what
my therapist says.

That's true.

Uh, okay, enough about me.
Let's discuss your story.

Well, first of all
I love your prose.

Thank you!
That means a lot to me.

My main question is this--

is it believable
that a beautiful 16-year-old girl

would fall in love
with a high school teacher

who has a weak chin
and forehead psoriasis?

Oh yes, it is believable.

Teachers
can be very charismatic.

Really?

You have a very
beautiful hand.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. That was not appropriate.
You're my student.

Jonathan,
I'm almost your age.

You haven't done
anything wrong.

I've been wanting
to tell you--

the virginity scene
in your novel is really hot,

even though you-- I mean your narrator--
had a premature ejaculation.

Oh hi, George.

Come in.
We were just--

this is my student
Nina Cassidy.

- Hi.
- Nina, this is George Christopher.

- He's my mentor.
- Mentor?

- Hi.
- Hi, nice to meet you.

George is gonna speak
to our class tonight.

Oh really?
What are you gonna talk about?

Ah.

So just like I have
cancer of the prostate,

the publishing industry
also has cancer.

Magazines are dying.

Books are dying.

Newspapers are dying.

Print is...

dead.

Questions?

Anybody?

Okay, that was bleak.
Thank you, George.

But like things
with the environment,

we have at least a few more years
before the end of time.

I always have this dream
where I'm flying, you know?

And then I wake up
and I'm heartbroken

that I can't fly.
What do you think that means?

I don't know.
I never dream.

I smoke pot
right before I go to bed,

and it shuts down
the dream side of my brain.

Right. You know, that's one of the things
I love about Super Ray--

is that he flies. I have always wanted to play
a superhero who could fly.

- Oh, great, I--
- Listen, about my process--

I'm gonna need
to get close to you,

maybe move in,

wear your clothes, t-shirts--
kinda get your scent on me.

- Really? That's necessary?
- Definitely.

I'm just gonna warn you--
I don't wear deodorant.

I gotta tell you,
I think it's amazing

that he uses his
huge cock as a weapon.

I mean that's just awesome.

I mean that just seems
really true to life.

Thanks.
I kinda see his huge cock

as like Thor's hammer.

Yeah well, I can
definitely do that.

I'm sorry, Jonathan.
I didn't mean to wreck your class.

It's just...

between the cancer and things
falling apart at the magazine,

- I'm just all muddled.
- I'm sorry, George.

And I'm not gonna quit,
so don't even suggest it,

but I think I'm addicted
to marijuana again.

- Oh no, why?
- Well, for one thing

I'm not happy
unless I'm stoned.

The other night I got high

and I took a walk and I...

separated from my shadow.

Shit, that does
sound strange.

Oh-- and then
I'm driving stoned

and that's just
dangerous, you know.

Especially because
when I'm smoking

the left and the right sides
of my body

just, you know, don't communicate
with each other.

Do you think you might
wanna hire a driver?

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Your driving
really has deteriorated.

Yeah, I know that. Marijuana
makes parking especially difficult.

It's a spatial issue.

Hey, thanks so much
for helping me out with this, George.

- Ah.
- I never should have meddled.

Yeah, in life, when in doubt,
never meddle.

It only causes problems.

He should be here.

There's Vikram.
This is gonna be great.

- You're gonna make him really happy.
- Everybody get on the ground!

And throw your cell phones
to the middle of the floor. Now!

Vikram, Vikram,
what are you doing?

You!
You idiot detective.

Get on the floor!
Both of you.

I just had my suit
dry-cleaned

and I have a bad knee-- two, actually.
Do you mind if I stand?

Dry-clean?

Shut up!

Vikram, don't do this.
Don't do--

This is who
you wanted me to hire?

- He's not really like this.
- Well?

I can talk him down.

Vikram.
Vikram, listen to me.

Just give me the gun, okay?

- You'll go to prison.
- I don't care anymore.

I already see all of life as a prison.
At least when I was a driver

I was in a moving prison.

Vikram, you can't give up.

I'm also a struggling writer, but I'm gonna
submit a story to "The New Yorker."

Don't talk to me
about "The New Yorker."

Those bastards rejected
66 of my poems.

Hey, you know, they rejected
all of my submissions to the caption contest.

Maybe it's just the magazine.

I'm not mechanically inclined.

Vikram, you haven't done
anything wrong yet, okay?

- You haven't taken any money.
- That's because I can't open the drawer.

Now, if you really wanted money
you could have taken

everyone's wallets and jewelry,
but you didn't.

Everybody! Throw your wallets and jewelry
to the center of the floor!

- Thank you.
- Nice one.

Ugh, Jesus.

So I can try to gain the weight,

but chances are I'm probably
gonna have to go with a fat suit.

Uh well, I'm really not fat.

I mean, I kinda see myself
as stocky or portly.

Maybe you can wear
a stocky suit or a portly suit.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, except for maybe
in the belly area.

I'm just kinda washboardy.

You know, so I can just
pad that up a little bit.

And, uh, I'll try
to grow the beard

but really this is all I get
and I'm just highly evolved.

Oh, God damn it,
motherfucking piece of shit.

- I can't believe it.
- Ray?

I didn't know you'd be here.

Jennifer, this is Kevin Bacon.
Kevin, this is Jennifer.

- Hi. Kevin Bacon.
- Oh, he's been bragging about meeting you.

I thought he was lying.

Which he does pathologically.

- Excuse me?
- Jennifer, will you just please--

- I don't know if he's made love to you yet.
- No not yet.

When he does
you should be careful

because he gave me
oral chlamydia of the mouth.

- I-- what?
- I didn't know you could get oral chlamydia.

I've only had it
the normal way.

We'll be right back.

Don't touch my elbow!
That is assault.

- That's not cool, bro.
- He assaulted me.

When you don't wanna be
touched that is assault.

- Yeah, that is the legal definition.
- I did not assault you.

Yes, you did,
Super Chlamydia.

Don't-- but I don't have chlamydia,
Kevin. I don't.

- What's going on here?
- This fat bully gave me an STD.

- and assaulted me.
- All right, that's it. An STD?

- You're out of here.
- Excuse me.

Oh, oww!

No no no,
that is not cool, man.

I'm an actor!

What are you thinking?
I've made a living off this nose for 30 years.

Put those phones away!

Look what
you've done to me.

You know what?

I don't think you're cut out
to play Super Ray.

So you want
to buy me a drink?

Yeah.

But listen, can we get
out of Brooklyn?

It's just not as cool
as I thought it was gonna be.

Oh yeah.

- Excuse us.
- Here's a really really big tip.

- I'm okay.
- Kevin Bacon's okay.

Kevin Bacon's all right.

I can't believe it.

Jonathan, say something.
It's time to meddle.

Yeah.

You know Lakshmi will be furious with you
if you go through with this.

Well, she's already furious,
thanks to you.

You know something?

I take back what I said.
You are a nincompoop.

Yeah.
You are a 42 down.

Hey!
Don't be rude.

You have no idea
what I've gone through.

You don't understand what it's like
to turn up to work one day

and to be told
"Pffft! You're worthless!"

after so many years.

Yeah, excuse me,
but I understand.

You know, my whole identity
is wrapped up in my job,

but they won't listen to me anymore.
I'm being pushed aside.

You know, I'm slowly
losing my place in the world.

Yes, that's--
that's what happened to me.

I suggested to the boss that they put
a line of poetry on all the business cards

and I had great ideas about the schedule,
but they just-- they didn't care!

Hey, can I call you Vikram?

Vikram, see, you and I
are going through the same thing here.

Why don't you--
why don't you put the gun down?

'Cause, um, see,
I have a job that I'd like to offer you.

- You have a job for me?
- Yes.

See, he told me about you
and I need a driver.

And I really--
I admire poets

and I'd very much like
to read your work.

So why-why-- why don't you
just give me the gun?

- You really like poetry?
- He does.

- I do.
- He does.

Thank you.

It's not even loaded.

My father gave it to me in 1983
because of the cricket riots.

It's been on the bottom
of a drawer ever since.

- Huh!
- I'm gonna call 911.

- No no.
- Ma'am, that's not necessary.

- Yes!
- No no no.

It's fine, really.
Everything's fine here.

It's just a normal
human reaction to stress.

- Thank you.
- I mean, come on-- the gun's not even loaded.

Oh, what?
I don't want it!

Let's get out of here!
Come on!

All right,
nobody call the cops!

I can get us out of here.

I know a service road
the police won't think of.

- If you trust me to drive, that is.
- I trust you.

- Great, let's go!
- I love this orange color!

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