All language subtitles for Bored To Death s01e07 Sperm.eng

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Sorry sorry.

- Are you all right?
- I've got a weird situation going on.

- I've been calling you all morning.
- Sorry. My phone's been off.

What's the matter?

Lisa and Michelle... The lesbians
I've been donating all my sperm to...

They've disappeared.
I'm worried.

Why do you think that?

I don't know.
My emails are bouncing back.

Their phones are out of service.
It's been going on for 5 days.

if they got an accident?
What if they're in a coma?

I don't think
they would both be in a coma.

They do everything together.

- Have you called the local hospitals?
- I don't know their last names.

But you've been giving them
your sperm for two months.

- Yeah, but I'm bad with names.
- They're probably on a trip.

No, they would have told me.
We've become very close.

For years I've been jerking off
purely for medicinal reasons,

like lancing a wound.

But trying to have a baby with them
has given it new meaning.

- I understand.
- What if something happened to them?

What if Michelle wasn't conceiving
and they just dumped me?

I don't know.

Where was the last place
you saw them?

Ozzie's cafe.
It's where we did the sperm transfer.

- Let's go there.
- Why?

In detective novels you always start
where the missing person last was

and work your way back.

Okay, are you sure you can
take a writing break?

Yeah, I'm at a really good
stoping point.

Let's go.

You do all the talking.
She doesn't like me.

Can I ask you a few questions?

Who are you?

My name is Jonathan Ames.
I'm a private detective.

- You don't look like a cop.
- I'm a private cop.

A security guard?
Why aren't you wearing your outfit?

Private detectives
don't wear outfits.

Look, do you recognize this man?

Yeah, I know him.

He comes in with a cooler
and doesn't order anything.

I'm an illustrator.
I'm a little low on money right now.

- Ever see him with two women?
- Yeah, they were nice.

They spent money.

They also had a cooler.
It was weird.

Why were you carrying that thing?

I don't mean to be rude,
but I was transporting chilled semen.

- Shut up.
- You shut up.

Look, the two women
you saw him with, are missing.

- Do you know where they live?
- I don't know where anybody live.

Question...

If you don't know where they live
how do you know they're missing?

That's an excellent point.

I've seen them at the food co-op.

You have to be a member to shop there.
So they'll have their address.

Thank you.
That's very helpful.

Sorry, it's all I got.
I'm kind of a starving artist.

You look like you eat
all right to me.

I know all the members of the co-op,

and I can't place a couple
named Michelle and Lisa.

But park slope has more lesbians
than any other city in the U.S.

It's kind of like San Francisco,
but for women.

I love San Francisco.
The light there is very beautiful.

Shit. You must have seen 'em.
Michelle is large-chested.

Lisa is strange.

She doesn't look at you in the eye.
She had those tattoos on her neck...

The circle thing
with a cross going down

that stands for vaginas or women's
restrooms or something like that.

You know who he's talking about,
don't you?

Yeah, I know 'em.
I've seen that tattoo.

But their names aren't
Michelle or Lisa.

What are their names
and where do they live?

I'm not telling you.
This is a food co-op, okay?

People expect privacy.
We have ethics here.

Would...

$20 help you with your ethics?

Who do you think you are?

The people who work here
are like family.

I'm not gonna betray
their trust for money.

I might have something else

that interests you.

I like a man
who carries a one-hitter.

I can tell that this is good stuff

because I'm kind of missing
everyone in my life right now

but I don't mind,

because it's like
a beautiful sadness.

That happens to me too
when I'm high...

I miss everyone and I love everyone.

When I'm high I realize

that I clench my anus.

- That's not healthy.
- You clench it all the time?

Yeah, but smoking
helps me unclench it.

See, that's why pot
should be legalized.

I think this is
what you guys are looking for.

I've got to get back to work.

Thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.

I was worried about them.
We're trying to have a baby together.

Yeah, thank you.

And if you see them again,
please give me a call.

Or...

call me if you want
more of this pot.

The guy I deal with
is very organic and hydroponic.

We should definitely
smoke again sometime.

I just ordered this
vaporizer... The volcano.

They use it on cancer patients
in Germany.

- Great.
- It's really healthy.

It's what Woody Harrelson uses.

Why would they give me false names?

I had a crush on a Michelle,
not a margaret.

That co-op girl was really cute.

I think she kind of liked me.

I think she liked your pot.

She liked me

and my pot.

Okay, they're not answering.
Now what?

Yes, building inspector.
I need to be buzzed in.

Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, it's...

UPS.

I have that thing you ordered.

Nice.

I can pick the lock.

- Why didn't you use that out front?
- Well, it's a little conspicuous.

And I'm so stoned
I forgot that I had it.

Voilà.

They definitely skipped town,
all right.

I'll check the kitchen for clues.
You check the bathroom and bedroom.

What are you gonna do, find
a turkey baster with fingerprints on it?

Man, I don't know.
That's what detectives do.

We gotta case a joint,
follow protocol.

The only thing I found
was this unopened kombucha.

I can't believe they left it behind.
This stuff's really expensive.

Look what I found...

Lady shaving cream.

I could use some of this stuff

for my neck under my beard.

I usually use soap.
It looks like shit.

I'm glad I found this.
I've got really bad dry-mouth.

What's this?

There are papers in here.

Why do I always believe the labels
on this health-food stuff?

I think the writers they use
are really good, very convincing.

There's nothing
with a forwarding address.

I really just wanted to get Michelle
pregnant and make her happy.

Why don't you just try with Leah?

She doesn't want any more kids.
And she wouldn't want any with me.

- Why not?
- Because I'm broke.

She's giving me an allowance.

I can hardly pay
for all the DVDs I've been buying.

How much is she giving you?

Well, more than the two girls,
but they're four and six.

Look at this.

- Something with my name on it.
- Let me see this.

"Beth Handler and Annie Sklaver,
Tavia O'neal and Shelby Hernandez,

Dawn Miller and Samantha Bryant. "

There must be 30 couples on here,
all female.

500 bucks.

They've been selling my sperm.

Oh, shit, you're right.

Let's get out of here.
We'll study this later.

I have to have dinner with George.

Why are they selling my sperm?

What are you doing
in this apartment?

Call the super.
We have intruders.

Everything's okay.
We're not doing anything. I'm jewish.

Call 911!

Get out of my way!

Oh god, I twisted my knee.

Why were you running
down the street?

Well, it's crazy,
but it's not my fault.

Ray got in trouble with some hasids.

He hurt his knee.
And they called 911 on us.

No one's ever called 911 on me.
It's very scary.

What are you talking about?
Are you stoned?

Hey, who's this?

I didn't know you had a dog.

- What's his name?
- Philip.

I got him to get over you.

You replaced me
with a little white dog named Philip?

But you could have held on to me.

I'm not neutered. I don't beg for food.
I don't have to be walked.

You're obviously stoned and I...

Let's go.
Those hasids got a good look at us.

Okay, one second.

Here.

Suzanne, wait wait wait.

You forgot these.

- I fucked things up with her again.
- At least you're consistent.

So you think that these women
are selling Ray's sperm

on some kind of, what,
lesbian black market?

Yes, he may have
as many as 30 children.

You know something?
I envy him.

I always wanted a big family,

to be a patriarch like Tolstoy.

I sometimes do wonder if I have
children out there that I don't know.

I had a lot of one-night stands
in the '70s

and in the '80s.

Also the '60s.

Jesus...

I've been fucking forever.

I was conceived in the late '70s.

Excuse me, Mr. Christopher.
A note for you.

Antrem wants us
to join him for a drink.

- When did he ooze in here?
- I don't know,

but he's with Louis Greene.

That guy wrote a really bad review
of my novel.

Little bastard.

Well, come on,

let's face these assholes, shall we?

Why are you and Antrem such enemies?

Because he's in love with me,

which is why he hates me.

It's why he married
my second wife Priscilla...

So he could be close to me

and yet crush me.

Thank you.
You ready?

Sit down, would you?
Have a seat, please.

Sorry, we have reservations.

- We're taking off.
- What a shame.

Hi, it's Louis Greene.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.

It's Jonathan Ames.
Lovely to see you, how are you?

- Hello, Louis.
- You two know each other?

- Sure.
- Louis reviewed my novel in Slate.

I believe the headline was

"Next time, Jonathan,
try writing with both hands".

That's a good line.
What's it mean?

That I was masturbating
while typing.

- My mother read that review.
- Think of it this way...

At least your novel
produced one memorable phrase.

I happened to write it.

George, sit down, please.
There's something I need to tell you.

All right.

Maybe you don't know, but Molly Brooks
has been a widow for a few months now.

Give her a call.
Priscilla thinks it's a great idea.

What are you talking about?
Molly's in her early 70s.

You can't keep dating
women half your age forever.

Priscilla's worried about you.

What if you slip in the shower,
break a hip?

This is what you wanted
to talkabout?

No, that's just the personal stuff.
Listen, I need to give you a heads up...

We're gonna be doing a coffee-table book
with random house.

- I'm doing all the writing.
- It is an update of your old guide

What you need to know New York.

Ours is gonna be called

- "What you need to know now".
- Now.

If they're doing an update,
why didn't they come to me?

They must have heard
that Edition might be going under.

No, that is not true.

- Good news.
- What a relief.

I had read that Edition
had to reduce its page count by 15%.

That's it.
We're out of here.

Jonathan, are you working
on a new book?

Yes, I am.

And it's coming along really well.

Good. I'll look forward
to reading it then.

I'll email you Molly's number.

How can you just sit there?
This is serious.

- Those women stole your D.N.A.
- Who cares?

Let's just pretend
it never happened.

See? I've forgotten already.
Let's smoke some pot or something.

No, I want you
to do something about this.

- We're gonna do something about this.
- What are you gonna do?

Call the cops and tell them my D.N.A.
was sold at a pawnshop?

You don't need the cops.
You've got me.

Now we should track down
all the women on this sheet

and see if any of them know anything
that could lead us to Lisa and Michelle.

I did that already.
No one is listed in the phone book.

They all have cell phones.

I don't even know why they
make phone books anymore.

I think the two of you
should go door to door

and hunt these criminals down.

I can't believe
they did this to you.

I feel like I've been robbed.

- But it's my sperm.
- Yeah, but your sperm is my sperm.

- Really?
- Yes.

I should get my sperm
stolen more often.

What do you think?

They never should have messed
with my friend's semen.

I can't believe I fired 30 blanks.

I'm a sterile loser.

It's because I smoke too much pot.

- The government was right.
- You're not a loser.

The cooler probably didn't
freeze the sperm right, okay?

Look, there's still one couple left
out in Ditmas park.

We can go there tomorrow.

Shit, it's my editor.

- Hello, Caroline. How are you?
- I'm good.

I wanted to check in.

You're a month away
from your deadline.

How's the work coming?

Well, very good.

The narrator is going through

a lot of emotional pain
and mental pain.

Why?

I thought it was a comedy about a man's
failed journey through the Kama Sutra.

Well, the failure
is upsetting to him.

Okay, that sounds good.

You know, I was looking
at this Kama Sutra stuff

on the internet for the book jacket

and I have to say
I was very aroused.

My husband was a terrific lover

before he died,

but I have to say
there were some things

we definitely did not try.

That's wonderful, Caroline.

Honey, I've got another call.

I'll talk to you later.
Big kiss.

I'm doomed.

My novel's due in a month
and I only have one sentence.

And I don't even like it.

Even that building
is laughing at me.

Do you think the architect purposely
made it look like a gigantic cock?

To humiliate me.

Sorry I couldn't get here sooner.
I was out all day helping Ray.

Come here, come here.
Sit down.

Read this.
Tell me what you think.

It's this week's editorial.

I've got to email that in.

The deadline was half
an hour ago, so hurry up.

This is too much.
You'll be sued.

"Richard Antrem has the brainpower
of someone with tertiary syphilis,

"the penis of a hermaphrodite and the
moral judgment of a subnormal pinhead. "

- You can't publish it as an editorial.
- Why not? It's all true.

But it's libel, slander.

And it's really long.

Did you write this all of today?
I haven't written this much in months.

It's easy when you're inspired.

Keep reading.

Okay, you can't do this.

You say that he has a mouth
like the anus of a starfish

and that he's been suspected
of plagiarism his whole career.

Yeah, so let him try
to prove any of it's untrue.

You remember when you told me

that I needed to be sane
when you were insane?

I don't remember.
What's the matter with you?

It'll be a great issue...

My editorial and the comic
that you did with Ray.

I know Antrem torments you,

but you attack GQ
calling it a women's magazine.

I've had it, really. Seriously,
I can't take it anymore.

They're like a classic playground bully
and you know how you deal with bullies?

- Tell the teacher?
- No no.

You fight back.
You kick 'em in the balls.

Publishing this
is something he would do.

It's not.

It wouldn't be as well written.

And send.

Maybe it's best that I'm sterile.

Don't say that.

I'd make a lousy father anyway.

I couldn't tell a child
all the lies you need to feed them.

- Like what?
- Like 18 years of school is fun.

And that crushing your spirit

to fit in with the rest of the world
is a good thing.

I don't know.
I'd like to have a kid someday.

Except I'd be worry
about that soft spot

on top of their head.

I'd want them to wear
a bicycle helmet all the time.

Wait, soft spot?
What's a soft spot?

The soft spot is like...
It's a very dangerous part

on top of a baby's head.

If you touch on it
it can go right to the brain.

I'll do all the talking.

- Yes?
- Renee Dalton?

Who's asking?

My name is Jonathan Ames.
I'm a private detective.

I'm sorry, what do you want?

My associate and I
have reason to believe

that you may have been
sold illegally obtained sperm.

We'd like to know two things:

do you know are the people
who sold the sperm,

and are you pregnant?

- How did you get my name?
- From the apartment of two women

known to us as Lisa and Michelle...

Real names Margaret Duckett
and Ellen Willis.

My associate actually is the man
whose sperm was stolen by these two.

What's going on?
Who are you?

I'm Jonathan Ames.
I'm a private detective.

Show me some identification.

I'm not officially
a private detective,

but I do have a New Jersey
driver's license.

- Let's go in the house.
- They're here about the sperm we used.

It came from him.

They know Lisa and Michelle.

I'm pregnant with this guy's baby?

- You're pregnant?
- It's early.

- We're not really telling anyone yet.
- That's so exciting.

- That's great that you're pregnant.
- This is bullshit.

We're very happy.
This is what we wanted.

What do you do?

The donor was supposed
to be PhD from Stanford.

I went to the university of Albany.

I studied art.
I'm a cartoonist.

Are you at least a vegan?

We were told the donor would have
very little mercury in his sperm.

Well, I eat fish.
And I eat a lot of meat...

A lot of meat.
But I've had two colonics.

Oh my God, you were supposed to
be a vegan with an average build.

I do have an average build.

I don't believe this. I feel like
Mia Farrow in Rosemary's baby.

Oh, sweetheart, it's not that bad.

Okay, you two get off my porch

- or I'll call 911.
- Don't call 911. I hate 911.

You should be happy.

Ray is a great guy.
He's a wonderful friend.

And I'm sure he has
incredible D.N.A.

I do have good D.N.A. There's
Crohn's disease on my mom's side, but...

Don't ever contact us again.

You're to have nothing
to do with this child.

Come on.

I'm so sorry.

Find me on facebook.

I'm having a baby.

The mother of my child hates me.

It's kind of one of those...

Papa.

Get off my porch.

To your first collaboration.

And to not being sterile.

To having a child
with a woman who hates me.

Here's to being
just like my own father.

Nice editorial, George.
I can't stand Antrem.

I loved that line
about the starfish anus.

I just report what I see, gentlemen.

I challenge this man.

To what, Richard,

arm-wrestling, a spelling bee?

When I was at Oxford
on my Rhodes scholarship,

we would have settled this
in the ring...

Queensberry rules.

I challenge you to a boxing match,

you old piece of shit.

I don't mind saying that was
a horrible piece of writing.

It was indulgent and cowardly...

Louis, just stay out of it.

I've known you for 25 years, Antrem,

and I've wanted to hit you
for 25 years.

I happily accept your challenge.

And so do I.

I'll fight Louis.

- Say "I accept".
- I accept.

What about me?
I want to fight.

Can I get in on this?

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