Original subtitles

Do you love books? Oh, my God

Sorry Are you Dimitri?

That's not the code Sorry

I love books and books love me

Better I'm Dimitri

- I'm Jonathan Ames. I know

Thank you for suggesting that I bring Gogol's The Nose

In addition to being a private detective, I'm also doing some writing on the side

and I have always loved novels

Me too Turgenev, Dostoevsky, Gogol

these were my cellmates in prison

They kept me alive for three years

Prison? Why were you in prison?

It's not important Let's sit and talk

I need you to find a woman

That's my specialty I've found several

Good She is the great love of my life

She is all I thought about in prison

How long were you with her?

One night Just one night?

One night, if the love is perfect, is all you need

Also I was arrested the next day

We met in Brighton Beach Very romantic Have you ever been there?

No, my girlfriend Suzanne always wanted to go

to those nightclubs out there but we never did

And then she broke up with me

Of course Because you don't take her where she wants to go

So what did you offer her to stay?

Diamonds, gold, a car with sunroof?

No, I just begged And I

- Cried? A little

Good It's natural

But also, if you want to keep a woman, you have to be strong

Women need us to be commanding and decisive

But do they? I don't know Maybe they do

They do

So my woman

I don't know her real name,

only her stage name

Irenna, the Lonely White Dove

Hm She was singer at Cafe Tatiana

I want you to go there I'm happy to go to this club for you

But why don't you just go? Lt'll save you my fee

My parole officer won't let me out at night

That's why I find you on Craigslist

Also I got apartment, exercise bicycle,

and you, my own private detective

I'm your man then I'll go to Tatiana

Spasibo

Please find my woman

Do you think I lost Suzanne because I didn't take her places

or do you think I lost her because I was indecisive?

Probably both But I can't think about your failed relationship right now

I have to tell you, I'm in a bad way, Jonathan

Why? What's going on? The magazine's numbers are way down,

newsstand, subscriptions, advertising

It's very bleak and it's all my fault

It's not your fault All magazines are dying

Yes, yes, but a few will survive

It's Darwinian See, we need to adapt

I need to adapt

Our biggest problem is our female demographic

See, we've lost over 37 per cent of our women readers

- That is a lot of women. I know

So what's the plan, hire more women writers?

That's a good idea, actually That'll be the second step

The first step, though, is to change me

See, if I'm right, the magazine will be right

But how are you going to change?

You told me once that after the age of 55 it's impossible to change

That's why my therapist is suggesting something radical

He wants me to experiment with bisexuality

What? Mr Christopher, I need to clean in here

Yes, of course. Yes, of course. Um, sorry. Uh

He says it will help me appeal to women readers,

put me in touch with my feminine side

Your therapist sounds crazy - I know, I know.

But most therapists are That's what gives them insight

This is insane What can I say, Jonathan?

I am desperate to help the magazine I'm willing to try anything

But if you experiment with bisexuality

you'll just be more gay, not necessarily more feminine

That's fine I mean, who designs women's clothing? Gay men

Who do women find attractive? Gay men

Who writes women's TV shows?

Gay men

I really think it's my only choice

But have you ever experimented before?

No But I do have an open mind about the whole thing

You know, Laurence Olivier and Danny Kaye were lovers

Really? Mm hm, yeah

And oddly enough, they're two of my favourite actors of all time

They were like two sides of this strange coin

Hamlet and the court jester,

the dark prince and the Technicolor clown

It's amazing It's hard to imagine them as lovers

Sorry to put this in such old-fashioned terms,

but who do you think played the woman in the relationship?

Danny Kaye He could do a lot of accents

That way Olivier could have a different woman every night

I'll have a white wine

I was wondering if you could help me

I'm looking for a singer, Irenna, the Lonely White Dove

I don't know if you gentlemen heard my question,

but I'm looking for Irenna, the Lonely White Dove

You're a tourist? No, no, not exactly I live in Brooklyn

Then come sit down, have a good Russian meal

Vodka, caviar,

blini, semga

Excuse me, who's that beautiful singer?

Oh, that is Basha You have no chance

She's not interested in penis She's a Sappho

Oh, I'm not I didn't mean

Do you know, is there a singer here named Irenna, the Lonely White Dove?

Her old boyfriend is looking for her

We don't have a Lonely Dove We have a Lonely Sparrow

She sings tomorrow Great Thank you

Oh, thank you

Na zdorovie! Na zdorovie!

Is vodka really made from potatoes?

- Ha-ha! Hah!

Hah! Whoo!

I'm really hungover from that vodka

You gotta write something I do my best work hungover

I have less brain cells to confuse the issue

I did this yesterday morning right after I barfed all over the place

You're not that big

In my mind I am Huge but underused

Why are you drawing this? It's a story about

being a sperm donor to Lisa and Michelle,

and how Leah won't sleep with me

This editor at Esquire is really into it

Really great work

Uh I'm sorry, I feel so sick

Let's go get a drink right now

Oh, quit kidding around I gotta drink more tonight I'm going back to that club

I'm supposed to find out if the Lonely Sparrow is Irenna

Actually, I had a really fun time there last night

I can't believe I never took Suzanne to Brighton Beach

Why don't you take Suzanne tonight, you know?

You guys haven't had any break up sex, right? It's been a couple of months

You're due Maybe you're right

If you do call her, maybe Leah and I could go? Tonight we're working on our intimacy issues

But if the four of us go, that's not very intimate

Yeah, but if you go we won't fight,

and that's really good for intimacy

Mi vida loca

Hello

Suzanne, it's Jonathan

I know What's going on?

First of all, I just want to say I'm really sorry about what happened

the last time I saw you with your Al Anon friend

Let's not talk about it Well, I want to make it up you

You know how we never went to Brighton Beach

because I thought it was too long of a subway ride?

Well, you and I are going out there tonight

That's right I found this great place

We'll eat dinner, drinks, dancing

You know I don't want to see you drinking I was talking about water

We'll drink water after we dance to rehydrate

What is this about? Nothing

I'm just feeling really decisive, you know?

I want you to have the Brighton Beach night I never gave you

I don't think we should be going on a date, Jonathan

It's not a date It's platonic

Dancing is platonic? Yes, dancing is platonic

We'll stay three feet away from each other the whole night, I promise

And there's gonna be lots of people there, Ray and Leah

Blah, blah

Lots of people

Well, I guess I did always want to go

We don't even have to sit next to each other

I'll sit across the room the whole night sending you platonic love notes

What's a platonic love note?

I just thought it was going to be you and me

Well, Jonathan knew where this place was

and it just seemed easier if we all came together

Plus, he split the car service with me, so

If it meant being alone, I could have paid for the car

Well, tonight is on me and Jonathan

Oh, good

A little bit of potato sauce

Thank you

What are you doing?

I'm zapping it like Iceman from the X Men series

Remember when I drew them for Marvel?

Can we please not talk about comics for one night?

OK To the prettiest girl in Brighton Beach

That's better

A kiss

Hi, Leah Hey, Ray

- Hey, want some vodka? OK

I thought there would be more people here I thought there would be less

Well, we don't know these people yet, but you'll see,

pretty soon it'll be like a big Russian wedding

By the end we're all gonna know each other pretty well

Unlimited vodka here, this is where the value is

To the drug Czar

- Cheers. Cheers

Mm

I thought you said you weren't drinking tonight

Oh, well, it was just a celebratory toast

You know, when in Moscow

I'll switch to water now So, to water

To water

Oh, that's good

Let's all dance That's a good idea

No, my toes are all fused My toes are fused

Come on, don't be a baby

It's been a while since we danced together

Sir

I know I said we would only dance three feet apart but

is two feet OK?

Yeah, I guess two feet is OK

Isn't this fun? Yeah, it really is

You can come closer if you want

Really?

Everyone please sit down

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage

Nadya, the Lonely Sparrow

I think that's the woman I'm looking for. She is beautiful

What are you guys talking about? Sorry, do you know her?

No, no, not at all Not yet

It's it's complicated

Oh shit It's George

I'm sorry, I have to take this

But you're having fun here, right?

We're in Brighton Beach

I'm sorry

Hello, George

Wait, hold on It's loud here

Sorry, George What's up?

What if I do this and I don't come back?

What do you mean? That I turn completely gay

Well, then it was meant to be

You know what? You're absolutely right

I have to remember that it helped Jann Wenner's career

All his magazines thrived after he became homosexual,

really boosted sales

Thank you

OK, um, so

Do you know how I could find a male escort?

No, I don't know Sorry, what? The reception's bad here, what?

I don't know how to find a male escort

Well, you should know these things - No, I shouldn't.

Look, just Google "male escort New York City"

Wait, I can't hear you The reception is terrible Is it me or you?

Just Google "male escort New York City"

Actually, Google "gay male escort New York City"

George, I've gotta go I'm at a Russian nightclub

A Russian nightclub? Oh, hey, I want to go

Sorry about that My friend just Never mind

You guys work here, right? Can you tell me, did Nadya the Lonely Sparrow

used to be Irenna the Lonely White Dove?

Why you want to know so much?

Last night you told waitress

a boyfriend is looking for the Lonely Dove

Who's the boyfriend? Who do you work for?

Nobody Look, let's just forget it OK? I've forgotten it

So I'm just going to go back inside

You are a fool Hey, hey, hey Ow Don't touch me

Wait, wait, wait My friends are inside, OK?

I've already paid for two meals $38

Don't ever come in here again

- What about my friends? Fuck friends

Hey, come on, get your hands off me

If we see you here again we will break you

Shit Shit

Aaah! Uh, you work for Dimitri?

He's my friend

She wants you to call her

The girl, the singer, Irenna

Call her tomorrow, huh? Who are you?

I cannot talk to you It's not safe for me Wait, can you help me get back in there?

My girlfriend's in there

Ray?

I say in the ad that I'm an unlicensed private detective,

which makes it more legal, sort of

Anyway, the guy I'm that working for is an ex con,

but he's a real romantic and I'm trying to help him

Are you guys listening to me? I'm listening

Thank you, Ray You've got to see this from my perspective

I thought that tonight was gonna be

the Brighton Beach night that we never had

Remember that's what you told me? And I stupidly believed you

Instead you drink vodka and you leave me alone

while you chase after some Russian singer because you're investigating a case

But I was doing it in the name of love Somebody else's love, but

You weren't doing this for anybody else but you

You're selfish You live in a selfish fantasy world

- Suzanne, please... Please do me a favour and don't talk to me

The next subway, please, sir

At least it wasn't me this time, right, baby?

Ow Hey

Hey, look, for what it's worth, I'm on your side

Irenna?

Yes And you're the private cop?

Yes, or detective or investigator They all work

Thank you for coming I don't like the phone

It's OK It's beautiful here

So, let me make sure I got things straight

You used to sing as the Lonely White Dove

- Is that right? Yes

Why did you switch to the Lonely Sparrow?

I like birds

Every year I'm a new bird and always a lonely bird

Maybe you won't have to be lonely any more

Dimitri hired me to find you

Why?

Because he's in love with you

- He is still in prison? No

He's out and he wants to see you Do you want to see him?

Yes, I want to see him very much

Thank you very much, my little detective

My my therapist suggested I try this

Medical advice, really

You're coming out of the closet? Well, no, not exactly

No, see, I'm trying to get in touch

with the feminine side of my nature

You see, I'm I run a magazine

And we've lost nearly half of our women readers

and I've got to reach them somehow

And you think that this will help you?

Maybe You know, I'm just You know, I want to open my mind

If you want to open your mind,

don't think in terms of male and female

I mean, it's binary It's boring

How about no definitions?

- Have you read Klaus Kinski's memoir? I haven't

You're talking about Werner Herzog's muse?

Yeah Kinski could fuck or get fucked It didn't matter

He did what he wanted to. He defined himself

He was all sexes, beyond definition

You want your magazine to do better?

Try to be like Klaus Kinski

Have you read a Woody Allen story, The Whores Of Mensa?

I haven't. But I love Woody's prose even more than his movies

So

you want to give this a try?

I mean, I think that you're a good looking guy,

kind of like a buff Samuel Beckett

So I'm escorting Dimitri to Tatiana's tonight

And he says he needs me to be his backup, especially since he's breaking parole

- He said backup? Yeah

That sounds dangerous He explained it's a Russian wingman position

- I'm an excellent wingman. I don't know

You should never have gotten involved with this guy

Leah's still mad that I took her to that club last night

and ruined our first date in three months

I know I am sorry, Ray She shouldn't be mad at you

It's my fault Yeah, it is your fault

And now to make up for last night's disaster I'm doing timed massages

It's an intimacy exercise She's out buying an egg timer right now

An egg timer? Are you really going to be

this guy's backup Russian wingman? Yes, I gave him my word

He thinks I'm a brave detective

And he's already paid me $200

OK, well, in that case I have something for you

These are my uncle's They mean a lot to me

He died of cirrhosis of the liver. These were also his Here

Drink up Don't lose those

Ray, I'm excited

I got a really good egg timer

I love the boardwalk. It reminds me of the Black Sea

Only I wish the girls were topless like in Russia

In America people are shy and disturbed

I don't know, why be scared of the naked breast?

I've never been to a topless beach Oh, I hope you go

Listen, I was thinking about you yesterday

You should take this girl that you loved and bring her here to Brighton Beach

Maybe you'll get back together and get married

Wow, you must be psychic or something,

because last night I tried that

And, well, I screwed the whole thing up

Oh, I'm sorry That's all right

It's like my heart's broken again, but it's not as bad since I'm used to it

Irenna You found her!

Irenna

Irenna

My brother is in prison because of you, bastard!

Hey, hey, hey Go home, private dick

This doesn't involve you

Hey

Ow! Ow!

Come on, come on

- This way, Jonathan. Aah!

We hide here

Oh, shit Oh, shit What are you doing?

Extra hiding We're gonna die

We're not gonna die You're fine You did good

You saved me I am grateful to you

I did OK? Yeah, you are real man

You showed me tonight, very brave

You hit the boss right in the nose. It was beautiful

- I wasn't actually aiming for him. What?

Nothing Uh, nothing I was just I

I'm just glad we took those jerks out

So wait, what happened with you and Irenna's brother?

Why did she turn against you?

We were doing a deal and when the cops got me, they got him

- And he's still in prison? Yeah

I didn't think she would hold it against me after our night of great tenderness

But now my love for her is buried

But I will go on like you did, with a broken heart

Shh

What do we do now?

They go this way, we go this way

OK

Goodbye, my new friend

I don't know if I'll ever see you again,

but I hope your heart is broken many times,

because it means you will have loved many times

Hi, George Listen, I know it's late

I'm sorry to bother you, but I have had the most incredible, insane night

Would you want to meet for a drink?

Now's actually not a great time for me I have company

Do you remember what you told me to Google?

Holy shit H How's it going?

Well, I'm no Danny Kaye, if you know what I mean

I love Danny Kaye, especially The Inspector General

- Really? Yeah

I have The Inspector General We could watch it if you'd like

- I have all of Danny Kaye's films. I would love that

Hey, Jonathan, we're gonna watch The Inspector General

You could come over if you like He's a really nice guy

I hope Jonathan does not lose those brass knuckles

Could you please not talk about Jonathan?

This is an intimacy exercise about us

I'm sure he's fine

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