Original subtitles

Mm, I love martinis They heal all wounds

After about a thousand of them I'm still amazed,

But your poor liver has had to work so hard

- I know, I know. I'm very proud of her. Your liver's female?

All of my internal organs are women

Listen, I have an early surprise birthday present for you

- When is your birthday, by the way? In about six months

Oh, well, then this is very early

You know the director Jim Jarmusch, right?

Down By Law, Broken Flowers?

Yeah, I love his movies Well, I saw Jarmusch the other night

Oh, he has very good hair, just

Anyway, he wants to meet with you, give you a script to read

Why does he want me to read his script?

Turns out that he loves your first novel

and he wants you to do a revision of one of his screenplays

We're gonna meet him at a Film Society party

tomorrow sometime and I've set the whole thing up for you

I don't know, you know I really should be working on my book

And look, I don't know how to write screenplays

You need a computer programme or something

It's crazy Don't be a milquetoast, Jonathan

This is a very big opportunity for you It could be a life changer

- Can one screenplay really change a life? Sometimes

Do I want my life to change? Most people do, Jonathan

Oh, shit, there's Antrem and Priscilla

No, don't turn around Sorry

What? Don't draw attention Just sit, just sit there

Who are they? - Oh, damn it, I can't stand him.

I can't believe this is happening

Richard used to work for me years ago

And And that's Priscilla,

my best ex wife

They recently moved back to New York

This is not gonna work Let's get out of here

Why was she your best wife?

Everything with her was as intimate as kissing

I never really got over it

the most orgasmic woman I've ever been with

Who was the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with?

Well, Antrem You could use my first name, George

But I hope I'm not the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with

I'm not that easy

Hello, Priscilla Hello, George

You look absolutely beautiful No, I don't I look like shit, but thank you

How do I look? Depraved but well fed

Jonathan, this is Richard and Priscilla Antrem

Richard is the new editor of Women's Wear Daily

George, you know I'm editing GQ Don't be petty

Oh, I'm sorry I get the two confused

Of course you do You ought to try doing The Times crossword puzzle

It's supposed to be really good for senile dementia

Richard, George, please

It's very nice to meet the both of you

- Same here. So

Who was the most orgasmic woman you've ever been with?

No, I wasn't talking about me, actually

Jonathan here mentioned a woman that he was dating

that was, what did you say, very lively?

Lively Really?

You know, you've got an awfully good grip That's probably kind of handy in bed, isn't it?

So how orgasmic was she?

Thank you about the grip

Yeah, I... She was... I don't want to be rude

It's all right I don't mind talking about sex

It's what everybody's thinking about anyway

Why don't we sit down and have a drink and be civilised?

You know I'd love to, but we actually were on our way out right now

So maybe some other time

So anyway, um hello and goodbye

- Nice to meet you. Just

Wow, that was really weird, the way Antrem wouldn't let go of my hand

Oh, he's a strange and tormented creature

It really disturbs me that Priscilla loved me once and now loves him

I hate to think what that means

They're very nice ladies Well, one of them is

I'd be doing them a huge favour

I don't feel good about this I don't want you to be a sperm donor

But it's flattering They're fans of my work

I've never had lesbian fans before They should go to a sperm bank

You can't just give your sperm to two girls you met in a caf�

I met you in a caf�

Ray, I just feel like you shouldn't be doing this

The world is overpopulated

You know there's an island of plastic the size of Texas in the Pacific

I know, Leah. You told me this a thousand times

Please don't dismiss what I'm saying Overpopulation is important to me

Look, I don't think that me giving these lesbians one illegitimate child

is gonna add that much plastic

You have two children Why can't I have one?

But you haven't thought this through

You don't listen to me

I do listen I've heard everything you've said

Really? You don't listen listen I want you to go for therapy

Oh, God

OK I'll trade you therapy for sex

It's been almost three weeks

I think it's sweet you know how long it's been

Well, let's get a drink Keep an eye out for Jarmusch

God, there's a lot of good looking women here, much better than at book parties

Hello Hi

Goodbye

- White wine? Yeah

Why is it, wherever I go, I look for Suzanne?

Because your heart's broken, Jonathan

You're looking for the piece that is her to put it back together

I'll probably do the same with Priscilla now that she's back in town, God help me

Well, if this thing works out with Jarmusch I'll be so distracted I'll forget about Suzanne

Movies equal money, women, glamour, more women

I like that That's positive thinking But is any of it meaningful?

No, but it's fun

Mm, there's Jarmusch

All right, let's go All right?

Look at that hair God I love that

Jim Hey, George

This is I'm sorry, I forgot your name We just met

Miriam Nice to meet you George Christopher

- And this is Jonathan Ames. Hello

Ah, the man I want to meet It's very nice to meet you

Would you excuse us? We have some business to talk over

- Sure. Thanks

Are those hummingbirds?

Oh, yes Yeah, they're dipping their beaks into flowers

I love them

- What was your name again? Miriam

Miriam

So I really loved your novel

Dark, funny, perverted, beautiful

You must really suffer from the terrifying clarity of your vision

Thank you I do suffer Thank you

Take a look at this screenplay. I kind of dashed it off

- It's about the New York poet Frank O'Hara. OK

He had a beautiful nose like a boxer - Yeah, I know. I love his nose.

He got run over by a dune buggy on Fire Island

Anyway, I'd like you to think about doing a rewrite on this

George has my number Great Thank you for this opportunity

I love your work and I can't wait to read this

- Thanks. Oh!

Did you have this script made just for me? My name's on the cover

Well, you know, now when you give someone a script to read

it's kind of standard practice to laser print their name on every page

Oh, I see Well, this is not a big deal, but my name is misspelled

There's no O at the end It's Jonathan, not Jonathon.

Yeah, man, I don't know It's not really important

But call me tomorrow and it's really great to meet you

Great to meet you - Thanks, Jonathan.

All right Thank you, Jim Jarmusch

Whoo Do you know Jim Jarmusch?

Uh, yeah He's my favourite director of all time

His films are like poems that come to life

It's really interesting that you should say that

The film that we might work on together is actually sort of about that

You're gonna work with Jim Jarmusch?

Yeah

I don't want to go to a bar on Smith Street Let's just go back to my place

I live with my dad, but he'll be out tonight. We can have a drink there

OK, what year again are you at NYU?

- Senior. Senior? OK

Wait, so you're 22, right? I'm going to be soon I'm 21

You don't think I'm too old, do you? I'm 30

30 is cool I've been with guys older than you

But are you a man or a boy?

Well, what's the difference?

With a man you feel like you're being taken and you like it

And with a boy you feel like they're stealing something from you and you don't like it

Huh

This is it Thank you

Shit, my dad is home already We can go to Seventh Avenue for a drink

No, we'll go in his office. It's fun in there

Wow, it's a beautiful brownstone

Oh, your dad's a therapist? Yeah, he's a pain in the ass

He thinks he's the Carl Jung of Brooklyn I like Carl Jung

Not when he's your dad and he acts like your diary is part of the collective unconscious

Wait Sorry, I keep thinking about people sitting on this couch

- talking about being sexually abused. Oh

- That's what makes it fun. Oh

You're a good kisser Am I a manly kisser?

Yeah

Do you want to go to my prom with me?

NYU has proms?

Oh, shit I'm drunk

I should be honest with you I don't go to NYU

- Where do you go? Hunter? St Anne's

The high school? How old are you?

Old enough - Wait, wait, wait.

You want me to go to your senior prom, right?

You're 18? No, junior prom

- You're 17?

- 16 years old? But I'll be 17 in two weeks

You're 16? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God

Don't freak out I haven't been a virgin for almost a year

I probably know more about sex than you do

I know plenty about sex, OK?

That doesn't matter You said you were 21 years old

There's a big difference between 21 and 16

Look, I'm sorry You're beautiful, but I have to leave I feel really guilty

I wish I had met you in high school I wouldn't have liked you then

That's true

If you really have to go, I want to give you something to remember me by

And you can tell Jim he can put me in his movie

Whoa! Don't do that Don't do that

No, no

Dad!

What the hell is going on in here?

No, please

That's right Run, you little shit!

Oh, shit, the script

You're going to your mother's You don't understand me

I don't want to! You're going to your mother's

You can't deal with being attracted to your own daughter

Do not try to pull transference on me. I invented transference

I called the girl, but she's already in Connecticut with her mom

so she can't get the screenplay

What the hell am I gonna do?

You gotta break into that place I can't break into a therapy office

What difference does it make that it's a therapy office?

No, it's not possible

George is gonna kill me and so is Jim Jarmusch

Well, they can't both kill you

Look, just call the dad and ask for it

He will shoot me She's only 16 years old, Well, nearly 17 Nearly 17

- You didn't sodomise her, did you? No!

That's too bad

You gotta be careful A lot of things fall under sodomy

I wonder if kissing is sodomy Don't say that

OK, I need to get this screenplay

I'm supposed to call Jim Jarmusch today and tell him what I think

Don't answer your phone. That's what I would do

But I don't want it to blow over I want this

I can't work on my novel I need this job

What about you go to the therapist as a patient?

Why? I don't need help - No, it's not about that.

It's about getting the script You could act like you've lost control,

then just stick your hand behind the couch, grab the thing and flee

- Why don't you do that? Because I'm too close to the whole situation

I'll blow it Please

I'll pay for the therapy, give you 50 bucks and buy you dinner at Sammy's Romanian

I do like Sammy's

OK, yeah I mean, Leah has been trying to get me to go to therapy

and maybe this way she'll get off my back and onto hers

What? What did I say?

Uh, Jonathan found a therapist that he likes,

and I'm gonna go,

just like you said, so then we'll, you know

Great, cos once you go for a few months

and learn the language we can go for couples' counselling

So what should I talk about in there?

The guy already thinks I'm nuts, asking for a suicidal emergency meeting

No, that's fine Just throw a fit,

pull back the couch, grab the script and run out of there

That is the worst plan ever I gotta warm up before I flip out

I gotta lull the guy in If I go nuts immediately

he might try to throw a straitjacket on me or something

That's true

Maybe I'll come up with some fake issues like, uh...

I overeat You sort of do, don't you?

Don't be rude Sorry

Or maybe talk about how Leah never wants to have sex with me

Well, that sounds like another real issue Do you want my help or not?

Yes, I'm sorry OK, that's the place right there

OK, I'll see you in an hour Or 50 minutes

Ray

Thank you for saving my life

I'll wait for you here by this tree

OK, thank you, Boo Radley

Hey, where's the screenplay?

I didn't get it I forgot, I'm sorry

The session was too much What the hell happened in there?

He gutted me like a fish

He said I was so cut off from my feelings that everyone in my life would die

without knowing that I ever really loved them

Oh, God, that's terrible I'm sorry

- I want to go home. OK

I want a beer. I want an ice cream sandwich

I want to take a nap And then I'm going to

I want to read a comic book

I want to watch Little House On The Prairie and I want a vodka

Well, this is the biggest screw up ever

How old was the girl? 14?

No no, 16, nearly 17

Oh, well, that's not so bad. Polanski was much worse

- Polanski? Yeah

You have got to get this screenplay back Jarmusch is gonna blame me

I'm sorry, George

I think you did this on purpose You self sabotaged

George, are you coming back to bed?

- I'm lonely. In a minute Put on the TV

Who's in there? Uh, Miriam from the other night

She's not Priscilla, but she's wonderful

You know, I'm very oral nowadays

I feel like I'm half man, half infant

George, please I watch TV all the time

- Hi, Jonathan. Hi

I'll be right in

You look absolutely beautiful

So do you

God

She makes me feel like I'm 50 again

Now I'm feeling oral

OK, all right, look, you gotta work this out

I don't want Jarmusch pissed off at me How will I get the script back?

I don't know I'm gonna have to give you tough love

You you did this You clean it up

George, please

I'm proud of you for going to therapy

I'm sorry, I can't tonight

That guy eviscerated me

- My penis is totally recessed. What?

When I was a little kid I used to like to push my penis in

to make it look like it disappeared

Today that happened all by itself

I'm not the kind of therapist that pussyfoots around

I like to dig in fast and I give feedback

Stop fidgeting What are you doing with your arm?

Nothing I'm just nervous Put your hands in your lap Focus

Sit up Good posture sends positive messages to the brain

We're here to work So what are your issues? Give them to me

Well, I am sad about this break up I just went through

- She left you? Yes

And you feel rejected and unlovable and can't understand why she no longer loves you?

- Yes. You do know she is not

- the only source of love for you in the world? But I want her love

We don't get everything we want in life You don't get to have her love

That's it End of story Next issue

Oh Erm OK, well

I'm a writer, and I've been struggling to write my second novel

I'm thinking about moving over to writing screenplays

Have you? Not yet

OK, let's talk about the second novel

Was your father competitive with you, didn't like your mother showing you attention?

Mm, a little He never complimented me

And whenever I hugged my mother he said

that it disturbed him to see me acting like a mama's boy

Well, simple then, you can't write a second book

because you're afraid to hurt your father, it's a classic Oedipal setup

But how is writing my novel being like Oedipus?

Because in doing so, you will surpass your father

Oedipus killed his father and slept with his mother

Success for you is like murder But you are not a murderer

Hmm. Well, thank you. So what should I do?

Just know that you're allowed to write a second book

and your father won't be hurt, and if he is, fuck him.

But I love my dad

Well, then don't write a second novel and don't come whining to me

Next issue

Put the hands in the lap

Focus Next issue

All right

I put up this thing on Craigslist

advertising myself as an unlicensed private detective

I've had a few cases So what's the problem?

Is it wrong? I do say I'm unlicensed

Sounds to me like you're leading a double life

I think that I am I'm like a Russian doll

There's all these versions of me in me

There's only one you and he's running away from his life

Oedipus, you know, was the first detective in literature

He uncovered mysteries to find out who he was

I'm sorry, so let me just get this straight

I'm not gonna get my girlfriend back, I'm afraid to write my second novel,

- and I'm a 21st-century Oedipus? Yes

Hm But there is one other thing

I know why you're really here

I'm not an idiot, you know Your name is on every page

I would have used a false name when I made the appointment

but my insurers are sticklers and

- So you know about me and Claudia? Yes

And you're not mad? I thought she was 21 We did only kiss She's very mature for her age

I promise I only kissed her I'm not mad at you

My daughter is precocious and wild like my ex wife

She likes to sleep with boys in my office Electra complex So I don't blame you

Thank you, but we did only kiss

Also I don't mix my personal life and my work life

This office is my professional domain,

a sanctuary where clients can be safe

And you're a client, even though you're here under false pretenses

I am sorry - But outside these doors,

I would cease to be a therapist

- I would become a father. I understand

Considering the circumstances,

I want to end the session now Thank you

So why were you so hell bent on getting this script back?

Well, because I have a chance to work with Jim Jarmusch

- And if I do, my whole life could change. Sounds like an illusion to me

Lives don't change We simply become more comfortable with our core misery,

which is a form of happiness

Right

Thank you for being so understanding about everything

- Uh. One last thing. Yeah?

If you go near my daughter again I'll break your fucking neck!

Same time next week?

Hey, Jonathan I'm glad you found me

This is where I do my best thinking

Yes, the place is great

Jim, Mr Jarmusch, your assistant said you were here

Sorry to intrude but I read the script, which I love,

and I've got a lot of good ideas about what to do

Oh, man, that's too bad, you know

When I didn't hear from you yesterday I called Charlie Kaufman

He's been sitting on this script for, like, two months.

He finally read it and he wants to do the revisions

But I've got a lot of good thoughts

I'm really sorry about this, you know, but I can't say no to Charlie Kaufman

But you know what? I'll keep you in mind if something comes up

I do make a new film, like, every four years or so

You should write another book, man

I'd definitely read it

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