Original subtitles

Hm? Hi

You still smell like you

- Um... Take it

OK

Hello I saw your ad on Craigslist

I need a private detective

Yes, of course Thank you for calling

But can I get back to you in a little while?

I'm with another client But you'll definitely call back?

I need your help I think my boyfriend is cheating on me

Yes, I promise I will definitely call back

OK, goodbye now I'm sorry about that

That's all right New girlfriend?

No, of course not I don't have

Wait a second Are you seeing someone?

Let's not talk about it But you just asked me

I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought it up

No, I'm not seeing anyone,

but we shouldn't talk about that kind of stuff

We should really only discuss neutral, non painful topics

But all topics with you feel painful

Let's just start over, OK?

So how are you?

- I'm in pain. Jonathan

I need you I miss you I'm living like an animal

I have no toilet paper, no food, no toothpaste I miss you

You miss me shopping for us That's great - No, I miss more than that. I...

You forgot my box of love notes

I brought it for you

"I love you more than you know. Jonathan"

That was a nice note

But you don't have to read your name at the end

I'm very literal minded You know that

Is that Ray? Is he coming in here?

I thought I might need to see him after seeing you

I didn't think you'd overlap

Jonathan, I don't want to see your friends

This is really hard for me too, you know

Hey, Suzanne How are you?

- OK. I was just going. It's OK

I can sit right over there Oh, no, I really need to go

- Say hi to Leah for me, though. OK

Suzanne

I can't believe it She forgot my box of love notes

Tell me about it, man Women are tough

- Leah's making me get a colonic tomorrow. What?

She wants me to get a colonic Something about me being in a bad mood all the time

because I'm leaking toxins Leaking toxins from where?

You gotta go with me I have a real phobia around my ass

Yeah, sure, I'll go

It's good you're willing to change for Leah

If I had changed for Suzanne she wouldn't have left

I'm not gonna change I'll just pretend

I can't change That's impossible

"You're my best friend Jonathan"

You're my best friend too, Ray No, I'm just reading this

Oh, come on. Those are my love notes. Don't read these

Ugh, Ray

I'm just

George, what are you doing?

Hey, I'm just practising the speech I have to give tomorrow in my mind

- I need an audience. All of Manhattan?

I love this city I was walking around this morning

and I saw this woman who looked exactly like,

you know, that actress in the Almod�var film

- With the big nose? Yes Ah!

I would love one night with her

She might be completely boring, but the nose would be so distracting

You know, you couldn't get bored

Men must chase after her like crazy

Yeah, but she probably never knows if someone wants her for her nose or for herself

That's true But then, nobody's really loved for themselves, are they?

I mean, all love is projection

- Really? Come on. Think about it

You know, I'm in your movie and you're in mine

Two different films, really

We don't really know each other

We just make a guess at knowing each other, right?

I think the same is true about love

Do you purposely try to depress me every time we see each other?

Yes Yes, I do

Now, why are you here, young 'un?

Oh, right, right Um

The green issue is coming around again

Now, I want you to go out and ask people

what's most upsetting to them about the environment

You know, man on the street

Please Go ahead Why not?

- Is it a woman? Sort of

Jennifer Gladwell? Yes Jonathan, the private detective?

- That's right. Hm

Hi Um

Can I please have a white wine?

I thought you'd be older

Yeah, well, I got into the business at a young age

I was drawn to it

Would you like a drink drink?

Oh, no, I'm on the water wagon tonight

Oh, I understand I avoid the wagon by drinking white wine

It has a very low alcohol content Oh, that's really smart

I love white wine

And red And rum

Hm

Tell me what's going on You think your boyfriend's cheating on you?

I'm not 100 per cent sure, but I'm 95 per cent sure I did try to access his email,

but he changed his password You had his password?

Well, yeah Just, like, a year ago I went through a jealous phase

But this time it's real Are you sure?

That's what one of my therapists said Yes, I'm sure!

God, it's like I'm surrounded by Holocaust deniers

It happened I'm sure

My therapists aren't helping me at all, so I contacted you

But if you can't help me, then maybe I should find

someone else who can help me I'm sorry, I'm sorry I do want to help you

- Has your boyfriend been acting differently? Yes

We don't live together, so when I call him at night,

his phone goes straight to voicemail, which it never used to

And he's always been very available to me,

- which is what I need. Huh

So you'd like me to follow him

a tail job?

Yes, a tail job, yeah - Mm-hm, OK.

I brought a picture

Oh, he's a good looking guy

Yeah, all women want him

So have you and he been having specific problems, other than the voicemail issue?

He thinks I drink too much, which is why I'm quitting

Really? My girlfriend left me for the same reason

But it's all projection. It's her father who's the alcoholic

I just have, like, two white wines a night

Yeah, I do drink more than that

But you're right Gary's mother is an alcoholic

That makes sense. In every relationship, we're either with our mother or our father

I think Gary is my father Oh, no

My girlfriend Suzanne was my father

As a woman, you know Nothing I did was right

That's what it was like growing up with my dad

Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't care about your girlfriend or your dad

I really I really just need you to find out if Gary is cheating on me

I can't sleep at night Yes, I would like a white wine, please

No, I would like a vodka martini, dry, with an olive

- Sure you don't want white wine... I'm sure

...with low alcohol content? Yes

Thanks again for being here, man No, I I like being here

This pamphlet has a lot of good information in it

You know, we really should all be vegans

I'm kind of a non practising vegan

That's the other thing, Leah wants me to change my diet

So when I'm with her I'm gonna eat healthy,

and when I'm not with her I'm gonna eat like an American

Can you pull that off?

Yeah. It's just a double life, but we all lead double lives

Ray, there's something I've been meaning to tell you

Oh, shit I hate when people say that What?

Three weeks ago, when Suzanne moved out,

I put up an ad on Craigslist

So? Everybody does that I just bought Birkenstocks on Craigslist

No, this is different I put up a listing advertising myself as a private detective

A what? I've been moonlighting

as a private detective on the side

You can't do that That's illegal Why? I say that I'm not licensed

And that makes it more legal ish

You have to take that down You can't just do that

No, I've already had a client I found a missing girl

It was like an out of body experience

I wasn't me I was heroic

Are you delusional? No! And I I keep getting calls

I just got my second case

I have been reading so many of these detective novels

that I know what to do

I can help people

Jonathan, I consider myself a very open minded friend

Half the people I know are disturbed

But you cannot just go around

and say that you're a detective

You can't mess with people's lives like that You can barely lead your own life

Which one of you is Ray Houston?

That's me I am happy to meet you I'm Yusef

And who is this? Your partner?

Uh Yes No He's, uh, he's my friend

- He's here to support me. That's nice

Have you been to other colon hygienists or is this your first colonic?

This is my first - Well, don't be scared.

It will be a good experience for you, I promise

I am going to find all your treasures

The world is completely melting,

and yet beautiful women are still being produced

It's the one positive in these preapocalyptic times

I need to find a bathroom

I think some of that water that he pumped inside me needs to get out

Don't you feel any relief, any sense of lightness?

No, I feel worse

I'm probably a hard case,

all those gyros rotting in my intestines

I'd love to detoxify

I think I'll use the money from my new case for a colonic

I don't want to hear about that detective stuff right now I just want to find a commode

Do you want me to rub your shoulders or something?

No Not on the subway Jesus

It's bad enough that Yusef thought you were my partner

Well, if we were lovers who do you think would be the top?

Oh I'm bigger than you, so clearly I'm the top

I don't want to talk about this now, though But sometimes the little guy could be the top,

you know, like a dog that herds cattle

Mm hm - You would be the cow,

and I would be that little dog just barking at you

Woof, woof!

- Did you get stoned while I got my colonic? No!

Well, a little Oh, God, here we go

You all right?

It's OK

We're almost home We're almost home

This is Suzanne Please leave a message

Hi, I just want to let you know that I'm shopping

I don't know, maybe I'm changing

Buddhism says that if a man walks across a room, he comes back a different person

So anyways, I'm sorry to bring this up,

but you forgot the box of love notes and I added a couple of new ones

So, I don't know,

maybe I could bring them by?

Anyways

I do miss you

OK, bye This is Jonathan

Can I exercise just for tonight, like a day pass?

Damn, she's hot

What?

Did you see that redhead, with her little friend in the pink?

No, sorry

Oh, my God Hey, man, look at that stretching area

I can almost understand the Muslims wanting to keep women separate

I'm not really following you

It's like a Lamaze class over there

We're supposed to sit here like a couple of eunuchs and watch?

It's unnatural Listen, I'm trying to exercise

I don't have much time Sorry

You're a really good biker

Can I ask you a quick question?

OK I'm writing an article,

a man on the street sort of thing

What upsets you most about what's happening with the environment?

Oh, that's actually a good question

When I was a kid, I grew up on a pond

and we used to ice skate every winter

And now the pond never freezes over

I'm sorry

Sorry to keep bothering you, but is this a good place to pick up women?

It's kind of what I look for in a gym

I don't know, have you ever picked up anyone here?

Nope Really?

Listen, I just want to ride my bike

If you could pick up someone here, would you?

I have a girlfriend, so I don't think about it

Really? You don't even think about it?

Does that mean you haven't cheated on her,

like not just once, you had sex with another woman

and maybe used a condom? Nice talking to you

Thank you Goodbye

Yeah

- See you in the showers. Yeah

Excuse me, do you know what's going on inside there?

Is it like a church singles group?

It's an Al Anon meeting Al Anon? Right

That's for relatives of alcoholics? - Yeah, or friends of alcoholics.

OK, great Thank you very much You've been very helpful

Oh, I don't mean to be insensitive,

but do you know a good bar around here I could kill some time?

Excuse me one second

Hello, George What are you doing?

I'm about to get a drink I need you to come over right now

- You know, I really can't right now. You can have a drink here

I'm having a crisis

Oh my God, what the hell happened to your lip?

Just get in

Were you stung by a bee?

Yes, a bee with herpes

That's herpes? But yesterday you were fine

I know I don't know what happened

I was with you and then I went and got a massage

and I felt this kind of insane gratitude for everything

It was practically religious

And then a half hour later my lip exploded

I got tested spiritually and I failed

God, that's the biggest herpes blister I've ever seen in my life

Thank you We're very proud of it

I kind of wish that thing was a bee sting

Oh God You know all the bees are dying, right?

It's one of the depressing things somebody told me for this article

- Thank you very much. Listen I don't care about the environment

Right now my entire focus is on my lip

I cannot go out into the world,

and I have to give a speech at the Public Theater in two hours

Is there any medication that helps? No, not really That's why I called you

Now I want you to hit me in the mouth and the face

Whoa George, that's crazy

How will my hitting you heal your blister?

No, it won't heal it, but the herpes will be obscured

and I can claim that I was sparring at the gym and things got out of control

Right?

I was watching TV and I got the idea

Fight Club was on I don't think I can hit you

Yes, you can Come on, what are you

Yes, just You can Just get angry at me

I I I'm not good with anger I go straight to depression

Come on, it'll be fun I'll be Brad Pitt and you can be Edward Norton

You said yesterday we were in two different movies

Don't be a wiseass, will you? This is an emergency

Now stand up and smack me like a man OK, OK.

Thank you For crying out loud

Wait a minute There

George, I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but is it possible that if I hit you I might get a herpes on my hand?

Wow Um

Man, I never considered that I'm sorry, Jonathan

I should have Here

The maid uses these to clean

George Here you go

Now you know how to hit somebody? You gotta put your hip into it

Let me show you You spin the right foot

like you're putting out a cigarette butt or something, like that

And just There, see?

No, don't don't That look

- Oh, never mind. Just hit me. OK

This is an intimate moment I've never hit anybody before

Just stop talking and hit me, please? Get it over with

Are you ready? I said stop

I'm sorry, man

I took an Israeli Army defence class once I guess the old muscle memory clicked in

Oh!

I think you crushed one Now, you have a hell of a right

You should hit people more often Thank you

Do you think you got one more in you?

Yeah, I can do one more

Hi Hey

Oh my God

Oh, God Ohhh!

Yo Hello, Ray? I'm freaking out

I am freaking out right now What's going on?

I'm in Manhattan following Suzanne and she's with the really handsome guy from my case

Are you stalking Suzanne? You can't do that

I'm not stalking her I'm on my case,

but the guy I'm following met Suzanne at an Al Anon meeting

I didn't see her go in, but they left together

Jonathan, what the hell are you talking about?

Suzanne is with another man. Do I confront her?

Listen to me Do not confront Repeat, do not confront

Get back to Brooklyn Get on a train, get back

Oh, no Oh God, they're going into a diner

Jonathan Jon

Don't touch my girlfriend's hand

What are you doing here? I'm not your girlfriend any more, by the way

Wait, are you stalking me? Suzanne, you're still my girlfriend in my heart

And I'm not stalking I've seen you

I was walking by this place I look inside and see the two of you making out

What? You reek of pot I don't reek of pot

I was walking past these kids and their pot got on me You know how it wafts

Get out of here! You followed me, right?

Why are you making out with this guy?

Making out with him? I wasn't making out with him

He was consoling me about you. We're Al Anon friends

Why are you going to Al Anon? Because of you

- You followed me. But I'm not an alcoholic

Your father's an alcoholic Don't bring my father into this

Let's get out of here That guy's nuts Excuse me, there's no hand holding here

You don't want to go out with him I know he's well-endowed, but he's a Metamucil addict.

What? - Yeah, he's a Metamucil addict.

What? What are you talking about?

You are a freak You followed me into the gym

I thought you were a nice guy I liked your story about the pond, but I won't use it now

You're stalking both of us?

How do you know he's well endowed? Because Forget that I said that

Suzanne, I am not stalking anyone I am in love with you

Leave now or I'm calling the cops

Listen, you leave now, Mr Constipated,

so I can please sit and talk to my girlfriend

- I'm not your girlfriend. Get out of here

OK, now we're even, even Steven

Suzanne, listen to me Just come home

Oh, my Oh

You know what? Um Let's just get out of here

No hand holding!

He has a girlfriend!

What happened? - Oh, another domestic case.

Trouble is my business, it's no big deal

- Are you sure? Do you want some ice? It's fine

So I have your report for you

I don't think your boyfriend is cheating on you

He goes to the gym

and he hardly looks at other women

And then after the gym he's going to Al Anon meetings

So that's what your boyfriend is doing at night

- He's going to a 12-step programme. Al Anon?

I guess it's better than another woman, right? Yeah, I guess it's better

I mean, if he's going to Al Anon, that means he really loves me

A club soda, please

- Um, what do I owe you? Uh

You know, you don't have to

100 bucks, no expenses

I have to say this

I really hope things work out with you and your boyfriend,

but if they don't, you can always call me

Cos, hey,

I don't mind a woman who drinks

You're sweet

Oh, it's Gary

Gary? I should get this

Wait Are you sure you want to take it? Maybe you shouldn't talk Wait till tomorrow

Maybe he spotted me following him Gary!

Yeah

And then I asked her for 100 bucks

At least I'll get a colonic out of this whole mess

Do you think he told his girlfriend he got into a fight and she put two and two together?

Probably

Look, I'm sorry that you got hit in the face

and I'm sorry that Suzanne thinks that you're insane,

but I told you that this was gonna blow up in your face

Did I not? Remember that?

Hold on I've got to take this It's George

Hello, George Have you seen The New York Post?

Nobody believed that I had a fat lip They all knew it was herpes

You shouldn't have hit me, Jonathan

But that was your idea - Yeah, well,

you need to know when to give me good advice, and that was bad advice

You need to be sane when I'm insane

But I didn't know you were insane Well, you should have

Please, no cellphones in my office

George, I have to go I'm about to get a colonic

What? I want a colonic

So I have both of you today I'm glad

Early morning colonics are the best They're most cleansing

Lovers' quarrel? - Mm, more or less.

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