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1
00:00:02,218 --> 00:00:04,049
Tell them what my biggest is?
2
00:00:04,050 --> 00:00:05,889
Being hit by a block of frozen piss.
3
00:00:05,890 --> 00:00:08,969
Frozen blocks of piss are the
biggest silent killer known to man.
4
00:00:08,970 --> 00:00:11,529
When you go into the aeroplane
now you have a little wee-wee.
5
00:00:11,530 --> 00:00:14,849
That wee-wee goes into an
unpressurised compartment.
6
00:00:14,850 --> 00:00:16,249
What temperature is it in there?
7
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:18,209
- It's like minus 50.
- Minus 50.
8
00:00:18,210 --> 00:00:20,089
So the wee-wee freezes now.
9
00:00:20,090 --> 00:00:23,609
This one time that compartment on
the aeroplane blew up, all right,
10
00:00:23,610 --> 00:00:28,129
and this frozen block of piss comes
hurtling towards planet earth...
11
00:00:28,130 --> 00:00:31,169
Bap! Hits this tractor man
sitting on his tractor, dead.
12
00:00:31,170 --> 00:00:33,529
- I mean dead, innit?
- Totally dead from the piss.
13
00:00:33,530 --> 00:00:36,009
Properly, properly dead you
understand? What happens next?
14
00:00:36,010 --> 00:00:37,715
- Er, the piss melts.
- The piss melts
15
00:00:37,716 --> 00:00:39,289
so the federales turn up now thinking,
16
00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,129
"Rah, what's happened to this guy?"
17
00:00:41,130 --> 00:00:43,804
You know what happened? They
thought it was death by piss,
18
00:00:43,805 --> 00:00:46,924
you understand what I'm saying? Thought
he'd raggo pissed himself to death.
19
00:00:46,925 --> 00:00:49,404
It was a crazy situation.
Bruv, are you listening?
20
00:00:49,405 --> 00:00:51,764
- Yeah.
- I've completely forgot what I was saying.
21
00:00:51,765 --> 00:00:53,524
? No doubt about it ?
22
00:00:53,525 --> 00:00:54,805
? I'm on my way ?
23
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,564
? Taking over ?
24
00:00:57,565 --> 00:00:59,924
? I'm here to stay ?
25
00:00:59,925 --> 00:01:02,324
? We're teaming together ?
26
00:01:02,325 --> 00:01:04,724
? That's what I say ?
27
00:01:04,725 --> 00:01:06,564
? One way to do this? ?
28
00:01:06,565 --> 00:01:08,205
? Taking over today ?
29
00:01:10,365 --> 00:01:12,205
? We're taking over ?
30
00:01:15,005 --> 00:01:17,245
? We're taking over today! ?
31
00:01:17,246 --> 00:01:18,564
Subtitles by explosiveskull
32
00:01:18,565 --> 00:01:21,644
In the modern era it's not enough
for an organisation to perform
33
00:01:21,645 --> 00:01:25,804
competently, it also has to maintain
an active social media profile.
34
00:01:25,805 --> 00:01:28,524
Northend Airport is no different.
35
00:01:28,525 --> 00:01:32,404
Now I need somebody to take
over our Twitter account.
36
00:01:32,405 --> 00:01:36,284
We haven't done a tweet for
two years and the last one said,
37
00:01:36,285 --> 00:01:38,564
"Northend Airport Twitter account
38
00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:40,564
"now live hashtag up and running."
39
00:01:40,565 --> 00:01:42,759
- A good tweet.
- Yeah, we need to up our game.
40
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,039
So who's going to volunteer?
41
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,759
Tariq, why don't you do it?
42
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:48,279
Er, why don't you do it?
43
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,556
Oh, I can't do it I'm not
allowed on social media.
44
00:01:50,557 --> 00:01:51,359
Why?
45
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,519
Because my daughter says if I go on Twitter
46
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:54,959
she'll kill herself.
47
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,679
Is that not...?
48
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,519
OK, Clive. Sure, thank you.
49
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,919
Great, do I get a work phone?
50
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,439
- No.
- Like a badge, or a sash?
51
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:03,639
- No.
- That's a hard no?
52
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:04,919
Yeah.
53
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,719
Now, it's time for our annual inspection
54
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,759
and the bad news is it's Mary Parfitt.
55
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:12,879
(THEY GROAN)
56
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:16,319
Yep, so I'm not dealing with her on
my own, I need somebody to help me.
57
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,119
So on your feet everyone,
let's draw straws.
58
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:20,720
Sorry I'm late.
59
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,599
Or not
60
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,279
I'm not late.
61
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,159
I'm never late.
62
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,679
This morning I was late because I
was helping my neighbour out because
63
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,479
she lost her cat and I thought it's
fine, you know, cos I'll get good
64
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,520
karma, but then...
65
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,959
(SHE SIGHS)
66
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,279
Karma's bullshit.
67
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,719
Having willingly volunteered, Agent
Church heads to Proctor' office
68
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:48,319
to discuss the best qualities of
the imminent inspector Mary Parfitt.
69
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:50,159
She's not that bad. She's not...
70
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,080
- She's not that bad? No.
- Yeah.
71
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,679
She's not that bad.
72
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,559
Meanwhile Agent Brodie appears restless.
73
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:01,799
It seems he has something to
discuss with Agent Mansoor.
74
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:02,959
All right, Tariq?
75
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,239
Hey, man.
76
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,039
What did you get up to last night?
77
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,319
Nothing much just a bit of Netflix.
78
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,318
- Netflix, cool.
- Yeah.
79
00:03:11,319 --> 00:03:12,399
Netflix and chill?
80
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,040
(HE SIGHS)
81
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,759
- What about you, Grant?
- Funny you should ask actually.
82
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,639
Erm, yeah, a little bit of
development in the old arena
83
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:28,319
- of love.
- You've finally been right swiped?
84
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,319
Bit of, yeah? No, erm.
85
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,080
Last night I was, erm...
86
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,639
I was feeling a wee bit lonely
and don't judge me on this, erm,
87
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,559
but I called Dasher.
88
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:43,199
Remember Dasher? My ex-girlfriend
who moved back to the Ukraine?
89
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,239
Yeah, silly I know.
90
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:49,359
Anyway, turns out she's moved out,
this girl Katja lives at the flat.
91
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,609
We got talking, right, turns out
that we've got loads in common.
92
00:03:52,610 --> 00:03:55,289
Like we've both the same star
sign, we've both got brothers.
93
00:03:55,290 --> 00:03:57,329
We were talking for ages.
94
00:03:57,330 --> 00:03:58,849
I'm happy. I'm happy for you, man.
95
00:03:58,850 --> 00:04:02,169
Thanks. What's with you
and these Ukrainians, eh?
96
00:04:02,170 --> 00:04:04,289
Cooking with wine Tariq, you know?
97
00:04:04,290 --> 00:04:05,969
Cooking with wine.
98
00:04:05,970 --> 00:04:09,449
Meanwhile, during an unusually
quiet period at passport control,
99
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:12,929
Agent Hassler gets to grips with
his Twitter responsibilities.
100
00:04:12,930 --> 00:04:16,250
I did feel kind of
nervous at first, you know.
101
00:04:18,130 --> 00:04:20,929
The first tweet is a big responsibility.
102
00:04:20,930 --> 00:04:22,489
I tweeted, erm...
103
00:04:22,490 --> 00:04:24,249
(CLEARS THROAT)
104
00:04:24,250 --> 00:04:27,049
"Passport control at Northend Airport.
105
00:04:27,050 --> 00:04:32,009
"Doors functioning properly at
Northend Airport Passport Control.
106
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:34,489
"Lovely.
107
00:04:34,490 --> 00:04:35,809
(CLEARS THROAT)
108
00:04:35,810 --> 00:04:38,369
"This is the breakfast of a
border guard when they're on
109
00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:41,169
"passport control at Northend Airport.
110
00:04:41,170 --> 00:04:42,569
(CLEARS THROAT)
111
00:04:42,570 --> 00:04:44,329
"This is the uniform that I wear.
112
00:04:44,330 --> 00:04:46,209
"I'm Clive'.
113
00:04:46,210 --> 00:04:48,889
"This is the stamp that
we use at passport control,
114
00:04:48,890 --> 00:04:52,050
"Northend Airport, hashtag stamp."
115
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:55,689
(CLEARS THROAT)
116
00:04:55,690 --> 00:04:59,289
"This is the reserve that we use
117
00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:01,849
"when the first stamp runs out
118
00:05:01,850 --> 00:05:03,330
"hashtag stamp."
119
00:05:05,330 --> 00:05:06,930
(CLEARS THROAT)
120
00:05:08,490 --> 00:05:10,849
"Is this a new carpet at Northend Airport?
121
00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:13,249
"No, it's the same carpet,
122
00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:14,330
"hashtag new."
123
00:05:18,130 --> 00:05:20,289
Teamwork, no man is an island.
124
00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:22,809
Yeah, I know. No man left behind.
125
00:05:22,810 --> 00:05:26,169
In the office, Proctor and Agent
Church make last minute preparations
126
00:05:26,170 --> 00:05:28,529
for the arrival of inspector Mary Parfitt.
127
00:05:28,530 --> 00:05:30,689
Mary! Hi!
128
00:05:30,690 --> 00:05:34,169
Thank you so much for coming,
lovely to see you again.
129
00:05:34,170 --> 00:05:36,609
That's great, I'll just pop this, erm...
130
00:05:36,610 --> 00:05:39,369
I'll just pop this up here if that's OK?
131
00:05:39,370 --> 00:05:42,529
Erm, you remember my
colleague, Andy Church?
132
00:05:42,530 --> 00:05:44,809
No, hi.
133
00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:46,089
Can I get you a tea or coffee?
134
00:05:46,090 --> 00:05:47,769
I don't drink...
135
00:05:47,770 --> 00:05:49,249
...anything.
136
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:52,649
So how was your trip here today?
137
00:05:52,650 --> 00:05:54,449
Traffic?
138
00:05:54,450 --> 00:05:55,969
I took the train.
139
00:05:55,970 --> 00:05:58,569
- Great. Perfect.
- All the way here.
140
00:05:58,570 --> 00:06:01,009
Yeah, so where would
you like to begin, Mary?
141
00:06:01,010 --> 00:06:02,970
- Arrivals?
- Departures.
142
00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:06,930
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
143
00:06:08,570 --> 00:06:10,610
(BLOWS WHISTLE AGAIN)
144
00:06:13,970 --> 00:06:18,209
Mary Parfitt coming to do the
inspection is really bad news for us
145
00:06:18,210 --> 00:06:20,489
because she is a stickler.
146
00:06:20,490 --> 00:06:24,049
I have a bit of a complicated
relationship with authority figures.
147
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:27,769
Most of me is like, "Oh,
please, give me a brownie badge.
148
00:06:27,770 --> 00:06:31,009
"Please approve of me," and
then another part of me is like,
149
00:06:31,010 --> 00:06:33,570
"What's the point we're all going to die!"
150
00:06:46,050 --> 00:06:49,809
Back downstairs, baggage handlers
Mo and Suj have warmed to their theme
151
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:52,169
of frozen objects falling from aeroplanes.
152
00:06:52,170 --> 00:06:53,689
There's a chicken as well.
153
00:06:53,690 --> 00:06:56,449
That's an urban myth
forward slash bullshit.
154
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:57,929
You know your problem, yeah?
155
00:06:57,930 --> 00:07:00,289
You, my friend, are too naive bruv, yeah.
156
00:07:00,290 --> 00:07:02,049
Think about it, scientifically,
157
00:07:02,050 --> 00:07:05,609
if a frozen chicken now has
fallen out the aeroplane.
158
00:07:05,610 --> 00:07:07,969
- Yeah.
- It's going to shatter on impact.
159
00:07:07,970 --> 00:07:09,649
- It'd bounce.
- Shatter.
160
00:07:09,650 --> 00:07:12,169
- It'd bounce.
- It's going to shatter.
161
00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:14,529
Camera, can you tell
him... Where are you going?
162
00:07:14,530 --> 00:07:16,329
I'm going to get a frozen
chicken and prove it.
163
00:07:16,330 --> 00:07:20,049
Meanwhile Agent Brodie pays
a visit to Agent Mansoor
164
00:07:20,050 --> 00:07:22,689
to discuss a private, sensitive matter.
165
00:07:22,690 --> 00:07:23,969
Look at that.
166
00:07:23,970 --> 00:07:26,049
Dude, not here, you're
not really allowed to...
167
00:07:26,050 --> 00:07:28,769
- No, I don't want to look.
- That's Katja.
168
00:07:28,770 --> 00:07:30,490
Oh, OK.
169
00:07:31,850 --> 00:07:33,021
- OK.
- She sent me that last night.
170
00:07:33,022 --> 00:07:34,649
Yeah, yeah she seems, er,
171
00:07:34,650 --> 00:07:37,050
- generous. Yeah.
- Yeah.
172
00:07:38,410 --> 00:07:40,089
Hey...
173
00:07:40,090 --> 00:07:42,449
So that is, erm, sexting right?
174
00:07:42,450 --> 00:07:44,329
- Quite a common thing, eh?
- Yeah.
175
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:47,730
- Like everyone does it, yeah?
- Everyone, yeah.
176
00:07:50,810 --> 00:07:52,169
Do you do it?
177
00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:55,090
I have done, yeah.
178
00:07:57,690 --> 00:07:59,649
What should I do?
179
00:07:59,650 --> 00:08:03,889
You know what do some pull
ups first, get a bit like toned
180
00:08:03,890 --> 00:08:06,194
and then just wear
something that sticks to.
181
00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:09,889
Oil up?
182
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,409
You know, if you're
comfortable with that. Yeah?
183
00:08:12,410 --> 00:08:15,569
Yeah? You know what keep it
simple yeah, just all the buttons
184
00:08:15,570 --> 00:08:19,250
undone and just all the attentions there.
185
00:08:20,610 --> 00:08:21,970
- I get it.
- Yeah?
186
00:08:23,290 --> 00:08:24,850
- I get it.
- OK.
187
00:08:26,290 --> 00:08:28,449
I totally get it.
188
00:08:28,450 --> 00:08:32,169
At passport control Agent Hassler
is beginning to enjoy his burgeoning
189
00:08:32,170 --> 00:08:34,769
carrier as a social media guru.
190
00:08:34,770 --> 00:08:38,169
I got some, er... I got
some replies to my tweets.
191
00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:39,729
Let's see what we've got,
192
00:08:39,730 --> 00:08:41,570
see what the general public thinks.
193
00:08:45,010 --> 00:08:46,449
OK.
194
00:08:46,450 --> 00:08:50,169
Er, wow that's, er, your opinion
195
00:08:50,170 --> 00:08:51,689
and you've spelt it wrong.
196
00:08:51,690 --> 00:08:55,250
No, I will not suck what
you're saying because...
197
00:08:57,450 --> 00:09:00,729
OK, well, this person
agrees with the first person.
198
00:09:00,730 --> 00:09:03,009
Erm...
199
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,490
Yeah, a lot of them are
focusing in on the forehead...
200
00:09:07,010 --> 00:09:11,009
...which, er, I can't help
201
00:09:11,010 --> 00:09:12,730
the way that I look.
202
00:09:15,170 --> 00:09:16,689
It's just, er...
203
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,169
No, I'm not reading that one.
204
00:09:18,170 --> 00:09:21,009
I'm not reading any more, thank you.
205
00:09:21,010 --> 00:09:23,289
One, two, three...
206
00:09:23,290 --> 00:09:26,009
But there's no time to bask in his success.
207
00:09:26,010 --> 00:09:30,010
Things get serious when Mary Parfitt
arrives for her rigorous inspection.
208
00:09:33,770 --> 00:09:35,249
143.
209
00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:40,089
I get brought in to quick
fix all of the broken bits.
210
00:09:40,090 --> 00:09:46,729
But I can confirm that there has
been a significant and creative push
211
00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:48,609
towards an explicit
212
00:09:48,610 --> 00:09:52,729
and lasting integrated sourcing strategy.
213
00:09:52,730 --> 00:09:54,769
Faster, faster,
214
00:09:54,770 --> 00:09:56,929
faster, faster, faster.
215
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,250
Come on.
216
00:10:00,970 --> 00:10:02,529
Right!
217
00:10:02,530 --> 00:10:06,169
Undergoing such a thorough
inspection has been stressful for
218
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:09,569
all the agents, but happily
for them as the working day ends
219
00:10:09,570 --> 00:10:12,249
so does Mary Parfitt's time at Northend.
220
00:10:12,250 --> 00:10:15,649
That's just about everything and we look
221
00:10:15,650 --> 00:10:17,626
forward to seeing you again next year.
222
00:10:17,627 --> 00:10:19,249
Tomorrow.
223
00:10:19,250 --> 00:10:22,330
Tomorrow? You want to
come back again tomorrow?
224
00:10:23,410 --> 00:10:25,449
- Shouldn't I?
- Well, no, it's just...
225
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,049
Is there anything wrong?
226
00:10:28,050 --> 00:10:31,609
- Is there?
- Erm, no,
227
00:10:31,610 --> 00:10:32,969
that's.... No, that's...
228
00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:36,049
It's just tomorrow I've got
some really important meetings
229
00:10:36,050 --> 00:10:38,836
but Miss Church here can take care of you.
230
00:10:38,837 --> 00:10:40,449
I'm on the early tomorrow.
231
00:10:40,450 --> 00:10:42,349
It's OK I'll cover that.
232
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,729
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
233
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,129
So, er where are you staying?
234
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:46,809
- Hotel.
- Hotel,
235
00:10:46,810 --> 00:10:49,169
right, yes, I thought it might be a hotel.
236
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,609
Did you think, Andy,
that it might be a hotel?
237
00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:53,610
Yeah. Hotel was my first guess, yeah.
238
00:10:55,330 --> 00:10:58,289
Can we... can we get you a lift?
239
00:10:58,290 --> 00:11:02,619
- Oh, I was going to say cab.
- Oh, Andy will be happy to take you.
240
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:03,909
I haven't got my car here.
241
00:11:03,910 --> 00:11:05,910
- Take mine.
- OK.
242
00:11:11,970 --> 00:11:15,289
First session done for the day.
243
00:11:15,290 --> 00:11:21,170
Erm, 15 new followers, erm, blocked 68,
244
00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:27,010
erm, liked three and erm, followed one.
245
00:11:28,650 --> 00:11:29,650
Katy Perry.
246
00:11:31,885 --> 00:11:34,121
? We're taking over today ?
247
00:11:34,122 --> 00:11:35,639
? We're taking over today ?
248
00:11:36,203 --> 00:11:37,156
Well, do the ting then go on.
249
00:11:37,157 --> 00:11:37,975
- Science.
- Let's see wagwan.
250
00:11:37,976 --> 00:11:40,539
I'm so sure, hundred billion
billion% sure it's going to shatter.
251
00:11:40,540 --> 00:11:42,739
- Go on throw the ting!
- Do you want to watch some science?
252
00:11:42,740 --> 00:11:46,102
Yeah, I want to watch, I
know it's going to shatt...
253
00:11:46,103 --> 00:11:47,953
Science.
254
00:11:47,954 --> 00:11:51,433
Having passed on his sage
words of advice Agent Mansoor is
255
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:55,213
slightly concerned that he may have
steered Agent Brody way out of his
256
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,973
comfort zone.
257
00:11:56,974 --> 00:11:58,375
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
258
00:11:58,376 --> 00:12:03,145
- So did you?
- Oh, yeah like yeah, we had like,
259
00:12:03,146 --> 00:12:04,839
like a real back and forth you know.
260
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,338
I went for it, yeah, like, I
sent her a picture of my cock.
261
00:12:08,339 --> 00:12:11,938
And then of my balls.
262
00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:15,845
- Pretty much going out now so.
- Whoa.
263
00:12:17,051 --> 00:12:20,139
That's 0 to 60, Grant, 0 to 60, eh?
264
00:12:20,786 --> 00:12:22,837
- Yeah.
- That's good.
265
00:12:22,838 --> 00:12:24,858
You know it's like,
266
00:12:24,859 --> 00:12:27,459
- like she gets me.
- Yeah.
267
00:12:28,779 --> 00:12:31,978
Having discovered that he may be
somewhat out of his depth as the
268
00:12:31,979 --> 00:12:33,858
Twitter voice of Northend Airport,
269
00:12:33,859 --> 00:12:37,557
Agent Hassler quietly seeks
help away from the office.
270
00:12:37,558 --> 00:12:38,934
- Ding dong.
- Oh!
271
00:12:38,935 --> 00:12:40,376
- Hi, Clive!
- Hey!
272
00:12:40,377 --> 00:12:42,223
C to the L to the I to the vizzle,
273
00:12:42,224 --> 00:12:43,411
- what you saying my brother?
- Hey, man.
274
00:12:43,412 --> 00:12:44,208
You all right, yeah?
275
00:12:44,209 --> 00:12:47,528
- You all right?
- Afternoon. Er, Mo, are you on Twitter?
276
00:12:47,529 --> 00:12:49,488
Yeah, Suj, are we on?
277
00:12:49,489 --> 00:12:50,508
Yeah, we're on Twitter.
278
00:12:50,509 --> 00:12:52,848
I've been doing these
tweets all day, all morning,
279
00:12:52,849 --> 00:12:55,287
and people have just been have
been really mean about them.
280
00:12:55,288 --> 00:12:56,848
Oh, that's not nice.
281
00:12:56,849 --> 00:12:58,288
And saying they're boring,
282
00:12:58,289 --> 00:13:01,808
and saying things about me and my
appearance and my forehead and just...
283
00:13:01,809 --> 00:13:04,648
I don't know I just thought maybe,
is there something I'm doing wrong?
284
00:13:04,649 --> 00:13:07,008
Listen, Twitter is a
simple exercise all right.
285
00:13:07,009 --> 00:13:10,528
It's about blue ticks, it's
about sex, it's about violence.
286
00:13:10,529 --> 00:13:13,728
Blue ticks are hard to get hold of
and I don't want to see you two have
287
00:13:13,729 --> 00:13:16,168
sex on camera so we could
stage a fight right now.
288
00:13:16,169 --> 00:13:18,168
Put that on Twitter that'll
be loads of re-tweets, come.
289
00:13:18,169 --> 00:13:19,728
Yeah, I'll fight you.
290
00:13:19,729 --> 00:13:21,208
Fight, all right.
291
00:13:21,209 --> 00:13:24,448
Oh, no, actually it has
to be about the airport.
292
00:13:24,449 --> 00:13:25,602
Oh, OK.
293
00:13:25,603 --> 00:13:27,928
- Cos it's the Northend twitter account.
- That's easy just make it up,
294
00:13:27,929 --> 00:13:30,448
just write anything. "Northend Airport,
295
00:13:30,449 --> 00:13:33,448
"Britain's most popular regional
airport" just tweet that.
296
00:13:33,449 --> 00:13:35,519
That's a good tweet.
That's a good fake tweet.
297
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:36,288
Fake tweet?
298
00:13:36,289 --> 00:13:38,049
- Yeah.
- You can do that?
299
00:13:40,514 --> 00:13:42,473
- Someone already liked it.
- That's what I'm saying.
300
00:13:42,474 --> 00:13:44,473
Let me show you how it's done, yeah?
301
00:13:44,474 --> 00:13:51,547
"Huge drugs bust at Northend's
Airport." Tweet that. There you go.
302
00:13:51,548 --> 00:13:54,068
- Say no more, Clivey.
- Yeah.
303
00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:57,974
Don't record this bit, bossman, yeah?
304
00:13:59,694 --> 00:14:02,653
- Take them pants for me?
- Mary Parfitt has returned for her second
305
00:14:02,654 --> 00:14:06,453
inspection day but Proctor is
mysteriously nowhere to be found.
306
00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:10,173
Luckily Agent Church is able to
share her extensive expertise.
307
00:14:10,174 --> 00:14:12,533
We also have some doors leading off it.
308
00:14:12,534 --> 00:14:15,534
Doors allow us to gain
access into the rooms.
309
00:14:16,734 --> 00:14:19,573
Originally actually the airport was
built without doors but we found it
310
00:14:19,574 --> 00:14:21,791
too difficult to get into any of the rooms.
311
00:14:21,792 --> 00:14:23,253
Back in the office Agent
312
00:14:23,254 --> 00:14:27,134
Mansoor is concerned that Agent
Brodie seems a little preoccupied.
313
00:14:30,157 --> 00:14:33,933
- What's up, man?
- Oh, man...
314
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:36,133
I don't think it's going
to work out with Katja.
315
00:14:36,134 --> 00:14:39,774
- Sure man, long distance.
- No, man, she's blackmailing me.
316
00:14:41,094 --> 00:14:45,174
So her and like this guy, this guy
Vladimir, I think he's behind this.
317
00:14:46,574 --> 00:14:48,133
Behind what?
318
00:14:48,134 --> 00:14:53,510
They want five grand or they're
going to post my cock online.
319
00:14:53,511 --> 00:14:54,588
OK.
320
00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:55,973
- And my balls.
- Oh, dear.
321
00:14:55,974 --> 00:14:59,573
OK. Schoolboy error you don't show
your face in those pictures and you
322
00:14:59,574 --> 00:15:01,093
don't wear your uniform either.
323
00:15:01,094 --> 00:15:04,334
On the plus side he's got the
biggest dick I've ever seen.
324
00:15:07,654 --> 00:15:09,453
We might have to get the police involved.
325
00:15:09,454 --> 00:15:11,839
Don't reply, just don't
use that number any more.
326
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,093
No, no, no, Tariq. I don't.
How am I going to get her back?
327
00:15:15,094 --> 00:15:19,053
What? No, no, mate, you...
328
00:15:19,054 --> 00:15:20,774
- Thank you, Tariq, thank you.
- OK.
329
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:29,853
Er, that's a radiator,
330
00:15:29,854 --> 00:15:33,893
we use that mainly in the winter
which we see a dip in temperature.
331
00:15:33,894 --> 00:15:35,893
That's a door,
332
00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:39,373
orange door. That's a double yellow door.
333
00:15:39,374 --> 00:15:41,894
The colours don't mean anything.
334
00:15:44,254 --> 00:15:48,853
And this is baggage handling where we
load the luggage onto the trollies...
335
00:15:48,854 --> 00:15:49,693
(SHOUTING)
336
00:15:49,694 --> 00:15:54,813
That's Mo and Suj throwing chickens...
337
00:15:54,814 --> 00:15:56,373
The thing is...
338
00:15:56,374 --> 00:15:57,893
This is an extractor fan.
339
00:15:57,894 --> 00:15:59,213
It did shatter a bit,
340
00:15:59,214 --> 00:16:01,159
that's a piece of shatter there, look!
341
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,274
- That's ice.
- Can you see the shatter?
342
00:16:02,275 --> 00:16:06,051
- That's a bit of ice.
- Shatter, shatter there.
343
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:10,086
Growing increasingly concerned,
344
00:16:10,087 --> 00:16:14,450
Agent Mansoor checks in on Agent Brodie
for an update on the Katja situation.
345
00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:16,484
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
346
00:16:16,485 --> 00:16:17,933
So you've closed it down?
347
00:16:17,934 --> 00:16:19,133
Yeah, you're laying low?
348
00:16:19,134 --> 00:16:22,413
I tried to close it down like, I
asked her to stop blackmailing me.
349
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:23,613
OK.
350
00:16:23,614 --> 00:16:26,853
- But then I did it again.
- Did what again?
351
00:16:26,854 --> 00:16:28,087
- Sent another photo?
- Yeah.
352
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,647
- Yeah, OK.
- Um, I just you know...
353
00:16:30,648 --> 00:16:31,253
Why, man?
354
00:16:31,254 --> 00:16:33,293
Cos we got chatting
and you know she's like,
355
00:16:33,294 --> 00:16:36,333
she made me laugh and she's funny
and she gets me and I just thought
356
00:16:36,334 --> 00:16:38,315
- that we were back on track again.
- Oh, Grant man, no.
357
00:16:38,316 --> 00:16:41,013
But I think I know what I'm going to do,
358
00:16:41,014 --> 00:16:42,813
- I'm just going to pay.
- Five grand?
359
00:16:42,814 --> 00:16:44,293
- Yeah.
- You've just got five grand to pay?
360
00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:45,948
- No.
- They're going to come back for more.
361
00:16:45,949 --> 00:16:46,493
For more?
362
00:16:46,494 --> 00:16:48,973
Yeah, that's what's going
to happen, you know that?
363
00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:51,333
- Well, I want her to come back for more.
- No, mate.
364
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:53,232
- It's a scam, mate.
- It's a scam.
365
00:16:53,233 --> 00:16:54,533
Yeah, what if your mum sees it?
366
00:16:54,534 --> 00:16:56,893
- Did you think about that?
- My mum, no.
367
00:16:56,894 --> 00:17:00,213
- My mum?
- You can't get rid of this stuff online.
368
00:17:00,214 --> 00:17:02,368
- Oh, man, I'm...
- That's it. OK,
369
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:03,441
are you going to send another?
370
00:17:03,442 --> 00:17:06,014
- Maybe, take that just in case.
- Thanks.
371
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:12,293
At passport control Agent Hassler is
about to discover that openly lying
372
00:17:12,294 --> 00:17:14,579
on Twitter has consequences.
373
00:17:14,580 --> 00:17:15,813
Clive.
374
00:17:15,814 --> 00:17:18,253
"Big drugs bust at Northend Airport.
375
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:22,663
"Keeping drugs and bad people out MNGA?"
376
00:17:22,664 --> 00:17:26,305
Yeah, it's Make Northend Great
Again just like with the...
377
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,720
It's just lie after lie.
378
00:17:29,134 --> 00:17:34,773
"Border agent to get new shout out
on new Stormzy track." Who's Stormzy?
379
00:17:34,774 --> 00:17:38,463
- I think it's jazz.
- It's just not good enough, Clive.
380
00:17:38,464 --> 00:17:42,503
I'm going to have to take control of
Twitter again. Not only that but it
381
00:17:42,504 --> 00:17:45,343
seems that Mary Parfitt has seen them too.
382
00:17:45,344 --> 00:17:49,412
Lead to the collapse of the
Romanov Dynasty in Russia...
383
00:17:49,413 --> 00:17:51,464
Who's running your Twitter account?
384
00:17:53,744 --> 00:17:56,503
You've been hiding your
light under a bushel, hey?
385
00:17:56,504 --> 00:17:58,490
If it hadn't been for
Twitter I wouldn't have
386
00:17:58,491 --> 00:18:01,384
known about all of these accomplishments.
387
00:18:02,384 --> 00:18:04,743
Hey, why didn't you tell me?
388
00:18:04,744 --> 00:18:07,503
- Oh, well, I don't like to...
- Where's that bushel?
389
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,423
Where's the bushel?
390
00:18:09,424 --> 00:18:11,343
Wow! So pumped!
391
00:18:11,344 --> 00:18:12,856
- Good.
- It's great.
392
00:18:12,857 --> 00:18:14,143
Do you want to go for lunch then?
393
00:18:14,144 --> 00:18:15,704
Yeah! Famished!
394
00:18:17,606 --> 00:18:18,395
Come on.
395
00:18:18,396 --> 00:18:23,303
As a delighted Mary Parfitt takes
Proctor for lunch, Agent Hassler
396
00:18:23,304 --> 00:18:25,143
knows it's a job well done.
397
00:18:25,144 --> 00:18:30,944
I'm not 100% sure but I
think I just saved Twitter.
398
00:18:35,255 --> 00:18:39,143
But later Agent Brodie's body
language is so obviously deflated
399
00:18:39,144 --> 00:18:42,904
that despite her sudden change
of fortune even Proctor notices.
400
00:18:49,859 --> 00:18:51,339
Tariq what's up with Grant?
401
00:18:58,398 --> 00:19:00,023
Grant's being blackmailed?
402
00:19:00,024 --> 00:19:01,064
How?
403
00:19:06,488 --> 00:19:08,743
Oh, God! God!
404
00:19:08,744 --> 00:19:10,584
No, no, no, no, don't enlarge it!
405
00:19:11,664 --> 00:19:15,543
As Proctor deletes the offending
picture immediately after a few minutes,
406
00:19:15,544 --> 00:19:17,785
the team at passport
control make use of a rare
407
00:19:17,786 --> 00:19:20,944
quiet period to hone
their professional skills.
408
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,863
Come on!
409
00:19:27,864 --> 00:19:31,223
Later on in the office a
brooding Agent Brodie approaches
410
00:19:31,224 --> 00:19:34,464
Agent Mansoor's desk with
an extremely unique problem.
411
00:19:37,190 --> 00:19:38,944
Tariq. Yeah.
412
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,483
Somebody's got hold of my
cock and they've tweeted it.
413
00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:42,400
What?
414
00:19:43,864 --> 00:19:45,103
Did you tweet my cock?
415
00:19:45,104 --> 00:19:48,724
Mate. I definitely didn't
tweet your cock, no, Jesus.
416
00:19:49,584 --> 00:19:53,063
Yeah, you think I'd be pretty mad
about the whole situation but I'm
417
00:19:53,064 --> 00:19:55,889
actually feeling pretty liberated
cos now she's got nothing on me.
418
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:58,503
- Oh. Thank God, man.
- Someone's put my cock out there.
419
00:19:58,504 --> 00:20:01,049
Oh, OK.
420
00:20:01,050 --> 00:20:04,703
It's like my Colin Farrell sex tape.
421
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,504
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I've got one!
422
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:09,037
- You've got a sex tape now.
- Yeah,
423
00:20:09,038 --> 00:20:11,537
- maybe one day you'll have one.
- Oh, no.
424
00:20:14,834 --> 00:20:16,074
Maybe.
425
00:20:18,144 --> 00:20:20,624
It'll come out in the wash.
426
00:20:21,864 --> 00:20:24,725
We knew it was him because
you can't get staplers
427
00:20:24,726 --> 00:20:26,183
- that size any more.
- No!
428
00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:28,343
As the annual inspection comes to an end,
429
00:20:28,344 --> 00:20:31,703
the success of the Northend Airport
Twitter profile has made Mary
430
00:20:31,704 --> 00:20:35,136
Parfitt's day, leaving her
and Proctor on glowing terms.
431
00:20:35,137 --> 00:20:36,103
(BLEEPING)
432
00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:37,944
Oops!
433
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,583
It was me,
434
00:20:44,584 --> 00:20:47,983
I accidently tweeted a cock.
435
00:20:47,984 --> 00:20:51,303
That's a sentence I didn't
think I'd be saying today,
436
00:20:51,304 --> 00:20:52,744
or ever.
437
00:20:54,464 --> 00:20:59,184
- Here at Northend Airport we like to...
- Tweet cocks?
438
00:21:00,904 --> 00:21:02,944
Hi.
439
00:21:08,264 --> 00:21:10,224
24 likes.
440
00:21:12,024 --> 00:21:14,983
So, they've passed and
441
00:21:14,984 --> 00:21:17,423
I can confirm that.
442
00:21:17,424 --> 00:21:20,663
And with this I will, erm,
443
00:21:20,664 --> 00:21:23,303
take it to head office...
444
00:21:23,304 --> 00:21:25,264
all the way.
445
00:21:25,265 --> 00:21:29,070
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446
00:21:29,071 --> 00:21:31,040
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447
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