Original subtitles

This is absolutely unbeleivable, Twice in the past week.

I will be on the phone to your superior.

I am Chief Inspector and I will be on the phone to your superior.

It's just simply not acceptable, do you understand?

Yes.

Hang on. Did you want stuffed crust, or just...?

Yes, stuffed crust please.

? No doubt about it ?

? I'm on my way ?

? Take it over ?

? I'm here to sta-ay ?

? We're teaming together ?

? That's what I sa-ay ?

? One way to do this ?

? Taking over today ?

? We're taking over ?

? We're taking over today. ?

Subtitles by explosiveskull

This is Northend airport,

the most successful airport in Northend.

Hello!

(SHE LAUGHS)

Back again to bother us?

Sorry.

Just act natural.

Here, the men and women on the front line of the UK's borders

have granted us behind-the-scenes access like never before.

Apart from last year.

It's Monday morning and Chief Inspector Linda Proctor is

determined to start the week as she means to go on...

with an upbeat and positive outlook.

Good morning everyone, good morning.

Now, I have been concerned in the past

that team meetings tend to focus on the negative.

So, from now on,

positivity.

Have you been on another training course?

Instant negativity.

No, I haven't, actually. This is my own initiative.

It was actually a management training course.

"Yes, we can,

"fostering hope and positivity in management methodology.

I actually...I got a lot out of it.

We played truth or dare, that was an eye-opener.

Do you know what bukkake is?

I have some very positive news.

To celebrate the opening of the new terminal,

we are having a royal visit.

- The Queen? - (LAUGHTER)

Why is that funny? That would be insane.

No, no, it's not the Queen.

(THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER)

- We don't know. - Eugenie?

Look, please stop trying to guess, we don't actually know.

- Could be Sophie. - No, it's not... Look, we don't know.

You wouldn't bow if the Queen...?

Look, it's not the cocking Queen, OK?!

(SILENCE)

Despite the agents' excitement at the impending royal visit,

not everyone at the airport shares their enthusiasm.

When I heard, I was like, "What?! No way."

What was I like, Suji?

Er... He was like, "What? No way."

I don't want to have no royals up in here, you understand what I'm saying, bruv?

- Not on my watch. What'd I say? - Yeah, not on his watch.

Not on my watch. Bringing the imperialisms now,

bringing the colonialism now, into my work space. No thank you.

What did I say?

I can't really remember all of it.

During an usually quiet period at passport control,

Proctor gets increasingly nervous about the royal visit

and attempts to stay positive by any means necessary.

Grant.

Don't give those back to me, OK?

- Sugar is a drug. - OK, understood.

I do not need sugar to be positive.

Honestly, it's so addictive, it's worse than cocaine.

I've never tried cocaine before, Lin.

Pornography, then.

Oh. Right.

What Proctor doesn't know is the mystery royal

isn't the only surprise visit to Northend today.

Ex-border agent Clive Hassler is also on-site

in his new role as airport police officer.

When I applied to transfer to the airport,

they were really surprised,

cos they said that no-one ever, ever, ever wants

to come and work at the airport.

I think that's just cos they maybe have never been to one,

or know what it's like.

The rest of the team are so far unaware that Clive's working

here again, and he's looking forward to breaking it to them gently.

Do you know...

- Get on the fucking ground! - Ah!

- Oh, my. - Jesus Christ!

(CLIVE LAUGHS)

You scared the living daylight out of me.

- Clive! What are you doing here? - Oh, I'm sorry.

- Hey, Grant. - Clive. Good to see you.

Hey, guys. Who?

- Oh, new sound guy. - Clive.

- So, why are you here? - Oh...

I'm the new airport policeman.

I'm going to be stationed at the terminal.

- Really? - Yeah.

So you're the first line of defence between us and a terrorist attack?

Yeah, well, me and big Malcolm.

- Who's big Malcolm? - Oh, it's my partner,

I'm just getting his lunch for him.

You enjoying yourself?

- Yep, yeah. - Life's big dream, eh?

- Yeah, it's what I wanted. - Yeah.

Can I touch your gun?

No. Go on. No, I'm not really supposed to...

- Please, let me just have a little... - No, cos...

Just a little touch.

Well, you're not my boss any more.

- No, don't...! - Oh!

...reach for it, because...

- Sorry, I... No, sorry, I just... - Hey, Clive...

- I'm sorry. - No, it's OK, I'm still

getting used to it myself.

Hey, do you want to come and see the other guys?

- They're just in there? - Yeah.

Yeah, go and see them, they'd love to see you.

You want a sweet?

- I can have these? - Yeah.

(THEY LAUGH)

Listen, you can touch my gun, just not in front of the cameras.

Oh, OK, cool.

Back in the office, Agent Mansoor is still rather amused

that his colleague Agent Church appears to be a surprise royalist.

I just don't think it's weird to be excited about meeting the Queen.

But she won't come, because this is Northend Airport...

...and she's really old.

But mainly cos it's Northend Airport.

FAKE POSH ACCENT: What is your name, my dear?

Andy, what's happening here...? Oh, you're the Queen.

- Your Majesty. - Your Majesty, sorry, my...my fault.

You keeping our borders safe, protecting my money?

No, not my job, but I will keep your borders safe.

So tiring, you know, millions just falling from my pockets.

You should get a better accountant if that is happening.

I'm a good, good monarch.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

What'd you do last night?

Couple of beers,

and then I did this vape THC oil, which was...

(HE LAUGHS)

- No, you didn't. - No, it's marijuana oil.

It's vaping, it's not smoking, so...

Yeah, but you didn't do that either, because that's still illegal.

Oh, yeah.

So that's the Queen's night, and what did you do, Tariq?

I just had a couple of pints and went home.

Oh, that's just a game that we play.

Yeah, he comes in every day and pretends to be a different...

...monarch doing a different illegal thing.

So, yesterday it was Prince Charles...

...speeding.

After his successful impression of the Queen smoking something illegal,

Agent Mansoor, who just had a couple of pints and went home,

seems to be inexplicably nervous.

Luckily, he's about to receive a welcome distraction.

Hey, guys.

A bit of a surprise...

It's me, it's me, I'm the surprise! Surprise!

Oh! Hey!

It's me, I'm the surprise.

- How are you, man? Good to see you. - Hey, Tariq.

Hey, Clive. Hey, Andy.

How are you doing? I'm going to be working in the terminal.

What, this one? Yeah. What, really?

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah. - That's great.

So strong now.

Do you know what I mean? Coming out of the T-shirt, there.

- Yeah, yeah. - Just the one.

No, I got both.

- Oh, OK. - Yeah. Good to see you guys.

We've actually got to get to a briefing, but...

Yeah, good to see you.

I've got plenty of stuff to do, so.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

- See you later, man. - Bye.

The only problem is that the trousers are very tight, and...

...I want to be imposing to criminals...

...for the right reasons.

Oh, Clive, you're still here.

Oh, yeah, I was just coming to check on you guys and...

...make sure this area's safe.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No crimes.

- Sugar? - Oh, you've made a spare.

(RADIO BUZZES)

Oh, that'll be my partner, big Malcolm.

PC Clive Hassler, over.

Where the fuck are you, you little cunt?

I told you to get your fucking arse back here already,

you fucking toerag. Now get your fucking arse over here now.

Over.

Message received.

O...Over.

Big Malcolm is called Big Malcolm because he's so big...

...that it helps to identify him,

aside from other Malcolms.

"Which...which Malcolm are you talking about?"

"Big Malcolm."

"The big one?" "Exactly."

He's so big.

- Yeah. - You need to...

As PC Hassler rushes off to get lunch

for the only Malcolm in the Northend Police Service,

Proctor has an update on the royal visit.

We have our answer.

The new terminal at Northend Airport will be opened by

the Earl of Sandwich.

(THEY LAUGH)

Yeah, funny name, let's get it all out now.

Oh, yeah, no, he's actually my favourite royal.

- Just behind the Italian Baron Panini. - Strong. Very good.

Holding out for that French guy, the Dauphin de Baguette.

Yeah. That's a good one.

Or there's the Russian count...

Oh, God, what's Russian for savage?

Ah, fuck 'em.

So funny...

Bagel.

- Ah. - Yeah.

Yeah.

It's Count von Bagel.

Having attended to Big Malcolm's lunch,

PC Hassler has time for some routine checks

and catching up with old friends.

Feels good.

- Feels safe, as well. - Yeah, it feels safe.

- It feels... - Can I press that, or...?

That's just for police business.

Yeah, course, yeah, yeah.

Because you never mess with the emergency services, innit?

My mum taught me that.

There's a camera. Camera, camera.

Oh, fuck the police!

Don't talk to me! I don't want to talk to you, officer.

It's Clive, though, innit? So I don't know...

That's what you want to do, put me and my people behind bars, innit,

officer? That's what you want to do, policeman.

Erm... See you later, then.

I don't want to talk to you, policeman.

I'll see you at lunch.

Oh, he's gone.

- How long was the camera on for? - Not long, we're all right.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

? We're taking over today. ?

? We're taking over today. ?

Linda,

if you died, right, who would be in charge?

OK, well, you're the next down in seniority,

so it would be you, in the interim.

Yeah.

Yep.

I'm a bit nervous now.

Don't be nervous, it's fine.

I'm going to make a cup of tea.

It's a special day at Northend Airport,

as the new terminal is to be officially opened

by mid-table nobleman the Earl of Sandwich.

Agent Brodie wants to make sure he's fully prepared.

The Earl's seat is Haverford House,

and he was educated at Balliol.

I expect him to be a debonair man.

Yeah, very polite,

and chivalrous, maybe,

would be what the Earl of Sandwich...

...means to me.

How is your seat? Haverford House.

Haverford House, isn't it?

What, Balliol? Oh, well...

Educated myself at Galashiels Business College.

However, not everyone in the airport is enthused by the special occasion.

Baggage handlers Mo and Suj have attained Proctor's permission

to officially protest the visit.

Yeah, it's nice, but he's not a count.

He's an Earl, so...

But what is even the difference between a count and an earl anyway?

I think, like, one of their mums, like,

slept with a king, or something.

- Historical ho, I like that. - Prima nocta.

Just cross that out. Just cross that one out, there.

- What, that one, yeah? - Yeah, just cross it out, it'll be fine.

Oh, I like your style, Suj.

Look. That's just like a generic cuss word

- in work here, anyway. - Easy.

With the impending arrival of such an important guest,

security measures have been stepped up.

Not only is there an elite police presence in the form of PC Hassler,

but a new, highly-trained specialist addition to the team.

Oh, hello, lovely!

You beautiful lady.

- Oh... - Oh.

Isn't she lovely?

She's our new sniffer dog.

- Hey, who is this? Who's this guy? - This is Tariq.

(DOG BARKS)

Hey, you OK? You all right? OK?

Um...

- What's his problem? - Is this maybe the Queen's jacket?

What? No. I was wearing this last night when I...

Oh. It's the Queen's jacket.

Yeah.

- I'll just... - Yeah, OK.

I don't think the dog was barking cos of his jacket, you know.

Actually, he could have been...

Cos Tariq, he stores...

...meat in his jackets.

Different meats for different jackets.

Sausages, bomber jacket.

Blazer, pastrami.

While Andy muses on Tariq's meat,

Proctor fluffs the earl's pelmet before he comes into the terminal.

Lovely pelmet. It's all coming together.

The power of positive thinking, see.

CHANTING: The earl, the earl, the earl, can suck his mum.

The earl, the earl, the earl, can suck his mum.

No, no, no! I can't have that here.

I thought you said we had a right to protest.

Yes, you do, but over there, please, by the fence, thank you.

- What? - That's far, bruv. It's like

living where in this joint?

- It's like North Korea. - Yeah.

- Understand me? - Yeah.

Listen, we'll see you in the European Court of Human Rights,

then, innit, Proctor?

Yeah, I don't think so. Brexit. We left, remember?

I told you not to vote out.

Proctor.

What?

But we've done the plaque.

Oh...

You have literally just put sand in my vagina.

Not literally.

Yeah, well, I don't have much choice, do I?

OK, thanks for that. Yeah, brilliant. Cheers, bye.

So, it turned out the Earl of Sandwich is indisposed,

so they're sending us a baron.

(SHE SCOFFS)

Is a baron even royal?

Might as well send us Pippa Middleton.

At least everyone could stare at her arse.

As Proctor awaits the arrival of the incorrectly-plaqued Baron Latimer,

yet another rare quiet moment at passport control gives PC Hassler

a chance to show his old friends

some of his newly-acquired enforcement skills.

And then by the time I've got you there...

- Can you move? - No, I can't, I can't.

- Really? - I can't move.

And from there, then I put the handcuffs on,

but I can't find my keys, so I don't want to put it on you right now.

- And then that will be it. - Wow.

- That's really cool, man. - Great.

- You must love it. - Do you want to see my gun?

- Erm, yeah. - Yeah.

Cos I'm a airport policeman,

- so I get to have a gun. - OK.

- Wow. - It's kind of weird at first,

but then it just becomes like an extension of your arm, really, you know?

- And you can, like... - Oh, wow.

- Dude, that's... - Is that safe?

- No, yeah, that should be on. - Ah.

When I was training to use the gun,

they said that you have to just sort of empty your mind,

so I just sort of look at the target and then become calm.

Bang!

Can I just hold it?

Erm...

- Come round the corner. - Yeah?

- Can I come? - Yeah.

Erm, we're just to the toilet.

- Oh, my God, it's so heavy. - Yeah, put it in your mouth.

Meanwhile, outside, the baron arrives to a warm welcome from the staff.

(HE MUTTERS)

Fully prepped and ready for action,

Agent Brodie provides a slick and professional greeting.

He's stopped there, so...

Is he getting out?

Are you the valet?

Eh, no... Oh, right in my balls.

After a shaky start,

Agent Brodie regroups with a sure-fire icebreaker.

So, how are the repairs going at Haverford House?

The restoration of your country seat?

Who the arse do you think I am?

- You're the Earl of Sandwich. - No, no, no, no.

I'm not the Earl of Sandwich.

Erm, lady, Linda, this is not the Earl of Sandwich.

Chief Inspector Linda Proctor, Baron, delighted to meet you.

- Baron of Sandwich. - Right.

So, your job must have got a lot easier.

- In what way, sir? - Brexit!

Stop the hordes pouring in.

Well, I'm not really sure "hordes" is...

I mean, the odd Pole, fair enough.

Had one rebuild my perimeter wall, but not all these others.

The Bulgarians, Romanians, Kosovans.

Now, what is your position regarding the Muslims?

Here we are, sir!

What? Outside? I'm not standing around in the freezing cold,

I'll catch my death.

Er, Grant, would you get the baron a jacket, please?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll get you a jacket.

Very good.

Yeah, something tailored.

Oh, yeah, like 38 long.

Not much of a turnout, is it?

A couple of chaps over there.

- What does their sign say? - Oh, yes, they're not with us.

Disappointed by their protest's lack of impact...

Bruv, the sign ain't even working.

Baggage handler Sujan Stevens

quickly improvises an alternative solution.

- What are you doing? - Semaphore.

What's the semaphore?

Is that chap doing semaphore?

- Erm... - I did a bit of semaphore.

- Did you, sir? - Yes, at school.

What's he saying?

C.

U.

N.

Look at that...eagle.

As the protest escalates outside, back at passport control,

PC Hassler continues to demonstrate his expertise.

There's the bullet. There's the bullets.

- Oh, my God. - Give me it back!

- Good... - Thanks, yes.

Off you go. Careful with that.

Yeah.

- OK, dude. - See you later.

- Bye. - See you.

Do you want to take my fingerprints?

Later, as some of the team gather for the grand opening, the Baron,

suitably jacketed, gives a short speech to an appreciative crowd.

I'll be honest with you, before today I'd never heard of...

...Northend Airport.

Not your fault, though.

I couldn't possibly pin that on you lot.

And I do like duty-free, although,

of course, I never pay tax on anything.

Yes.

So, without further ado, I declare Northside Airport...

- ...open. - To Proctor's relief,

it's gone without a hitch.

(DOG BARKS)

Until Snowflake the sniffer dog

shows just how professional she can be.

(DOG GROWLS)

Sorry about your jacket, there, Tariq.

No, it's not my jacket.

Yeah, that's your jacket.

Shit.

Get it off me! Someone!

Oh, my.

While Snowflake may have things covered at the presentation,

behind the scenes, there's a major security issue.

Luckily, Northend's finest, PC Hassler, is on the case.

Andy, Andy, I can't find my gun! Where's my gun? Do you have my gun?

- No, no, I don't have it. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

They're going to kill me.

- I think they're allowed to kill me. - No, they're not allowed. Where were you?

I was with you.

- We were spinning the gun. - I stood on the gun.

Yeah, we juggled the gun.

I put the gun in my mouth,

- put the gun in your mouth... - Yeah.

And went to the toilet.

- Yes, OK. - And I took down my trousers

and my pants and poo was coming out of my bum.

No, no, no, that's irrelevant. It's in the toilet.

It's in the toilet, it's in the toilet!

Even though the opening ceremony was something of a disaster,

Proctor remains convinced that from now on, things will improve.

I want that dog put down.

(SCREAM)

Everybody get down!

TANNOY: Your safety is our priority.

She was wrong.

Hi.

Can I have the gun, please?

No.

I'll give you...

...half of these sweets.

- PROCTOR: Give her all of them! - Fine! I'll give her all of them.

I'll give you all of these sweets.

Oh, I should have got the gun first.

How did it go?

We had to lie there for about an hour and a half

before the real police arrived.

Still, no harm done, eh?

Apart from having to shut the terminal for three hours

Apart from having to shut the and re-route both incoming flights.

Sometimes, I think trying to be positive is just...

...bullshit.

It took me ages to persuade the baron not to press charges,

cos he's such a twat.

This has been the shittest day.

I mean, who gives a shit about barons?

I mean, I'm barren.

I don't get asked to open airports.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

? No doubt about it ?

? I'm on my way ?

? Taking over ?

? I'm here to sta-ay ?

? We're teaming together ?

? That's what I sa-ay ?

? One way to do this ?

? Taking over today ?

? We're taking over ?

? We're taking over today. ?

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