Original subtitles

No doubt about it

I'm on my way

Takin' over I'm here to stay

One day you be lookin' but there's no-one left

Don't drop, don't tell me to stop

Cos I'll be taking over today

I'm taking over this old place

I'm on my way to outer space

Borderline S01E03 - The Cop subs by havenofear

It's an unusual day for the Borderline team.

The authorities have suspended most of the airport's inbound schedule,

in order to receive a very important flight .

Northend has been chosen,

as it has the lightest schedule of any airport in the UK or Europe .

To help things run smoothly,

Chief Inspector Linda Proctor is joined at today's briefing

by an unfamiliar face.

I'd like to introduce you to a very special guest,

he's from the Met and he's come up all the way from London

to be with us today.

So, please give a very warm welcome to, from the special branch,

Mr Terry Bradshaw.

Please.

Thank you so much, Linda.

OK, let's just get this out of the way.

I know I'm a policeman and you guys are Borderline

and traditionally our departments don't get along,

but, and don't tell the other cops I said this,

I think you guys do a valuable service

so I guess I just want to say...

thank you.

You're welcome. HE CLEARS THROAT

You're... Are you OK? HE LAUGHS

OK. Sorry.

So, I'm sure you're all wondering, "Why's this guy still talking?

"What's his point and when's he going to get to it?"

Well, let me put you out of your misery.

Today, we have an international criminal being extradited to the UK.

Boring, I know.

We're bringing them through Northend Airport because...

I read your service records and you know what?

You guys are one of the most talented Borderline staffs

in the whole of the UK.

Is that what it actually says?

Stop being modest, Linda, you've done a fantastic job.

So, the little speech I did back there,

you've got to warm up for those.

'Hydrogenated vegetable oil.'

'Hydrogenated vegetable oil.'

Yeah. Just a little something to get the... get the chops moving,

get the blood moving, to...

funnel out all the bullshit I have to sell.

I mean, look at this team, look at this guy - look at him!

And look at this guy, I mean, wow.

No-one's getting past this guy.

What's your thing? Rugby?

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be caught scrumming against you.

Played a bit of rugby, aye, but it was a long time ago now

and, well, I had...

one too many hits to the head.

Wow, and listen to that accent - amazing -

the complete package, adorable.

You can make them up yourself as well.

Ken Dodd's dad's dog's dead.

Iris Murdoch's lost box of socks and clocks.

Capital Gains Tax.

I haven't paid my Capital Gains Tax.

Now, let's just wrap this up,

so while I'm here I'm officially commandeering,

which means I'm in charge,

if that's OK with you, Linda.

Oh, great.

Do I fancy Detective Bradshaw?

Guilty as charged.

I thought I was done and dusted in that department

but that's the biggest twinge I've had since Poldark.

Later this afternoon,

the criminal in question will leave the plane.

I will take their passport and pass it to one of you.

You will then stamp the passport and pass it back to me.

Simple as. The whole thing should take about five seconds.

All I need is someone to stamp the passport.

OK. OK. Sorry.

How about, er...

how about you?

Would you do me the honour, Miss...

Church. It's Andy Church.

Andy, what's that short for?

HE LAUGHS It's a boy's name.

Andrea. Hmm. Lovely name.

Can I be the... Sorry about sneezing,

but can I be the... the one who stamps the bad guy's passport?

Ah, Andy Church already has that covered but if I need anything else,

I'll come straight to you. HE LAUGHS

OK, thank you so much for having me.

Any questions before I go?

'I've been here for three years and no-one has ever asked me'

what Andy is short for.

You know, it was nice.

My mum has a horse named Andrea, so I'm named after a horse.

You guys have been fantastic,

now get out there and keep those borders safe.

Oh.

Well.

Come on, clap.

Oh. Yeah. HE LAUGHS

Oh.

Oh, that's OK. Yeah.

OK.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Thank you, Terry.

No, it's... honestly, it's my pleasure.

Was our pleasure, too. It was my pleasure.

But it really was our... Linda!

It was my pleasure, so just...

It was my pleasure, OK?

Thank you.

Thank YOU.

'Seriously, I hate this fucking place.' Thank you.

Best case I ever worked on?

Erm...

the Bahamas.

I stayed in a six-star hotel - that's more than five.

And then, last night in my hotel in Northend,

I ordered a Martini and it came with a straw.

This place, it's like The Walking Dead.

It's amazing that a plane will fly here.

With the upbeat Detective Bradshaw temporarily in charge

Chief Inspector Proctor is left with a rare chance to catch up

on case studies and other outstanding admin.

Oh, God, these people think I give a shit about their babies.

Yeah, I've got this traveller that I need to land,

I just need you to sign off on that. Oh, I can't,

it's the lovely Detective Bradshaw who's in charge today so...

I mean, it'll take five seconds.

Yeah, it would, it would if I were able to, but unfortunately I can't

because I'd be in contempt of the police so...

Well, I mean, I wouldn't want you to get in trouble with the law.

LINDA LAUGHS

Cunts.

Even though it's a quiet day,

the agents can still find themselves preoccupied with important matters.

Hey, man. All right, big man?

You're a bit of a man about town, eh?

Yeah, sure.

I want to read you this text, right,

this woman, she says, erm...

'I had a really nice evening last night and a really lovely time

'and I love noodles.' And the man replies, erm...

"Who you calling a noodle, noodle?"

But that was the last text that was sent and that was last night.

And she still hasn't replied?

No. The man's getting nervous.

Maybe.

Grant got a little text game going. Oh, no, no, it's not my phone, no.

That's not your phone? Someone else's.

Oh, OK, so, this someone else wants to know what?

I guess that this someone else would like to know

why she hasn't texted back yet. I mean, did things go too far?

Maybe the noodle joke wasn't that funny or things are moving too fast.

I think, you know what, they should just calm down.

Play it cool.

Play it cool. Yeah, man.

And if you're still worried about it, just make sure next time you see them,

you look dope.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks, man. It's all right.

Hey, Tariq. Yeah?

It's my phone, by the way.

Meanwhile, after drinking six teas and interrupting several meetings,

Chief Inspector Proctor is at something of a loose end.

Deciding to use her time productively,

she utilises her human-resources training to encourage team building

and self-improvement.

Just write on the Post-it notes

things that you think might be helpful for me to address

and then just stick them on me.

And then, I'll... I can really own them then.

Long hours?

Yeah. Yeah?

That...

I think maybe sometimes you should just go home at... at six.

Thanks.

I've got a short fuse.

Can do sometimes.

Sugar. Yeah.

My mum found that sometimes

if she cut down the amount of sugar she was...

Oh, OK, OK.

.. having... Right... less... Just cos it's... cos you have...

Yeah, no, no, I think you've made yourself clear.

Sugar again. Yeah, I agree.

I agree. Whilst preparing for the arrival of the prisoner,

Detective Bradshaw takes extra care to brief Agent Church.

So, this is the criminal.

Surname - Starkey.

Hah, sounds like a character from Game Of Thrones.

Oh, you watch that show?

Er, no, actually, but I have read it.

Yeah, you should try reading.

Oh, no, reading's for nerds.

Oh, and educated people as well.

Yeah. Can you read that?

I like an audiobook for when I'm pumping iron in the gym.

OK, what? Like a Lee Child or...

Sure, I'd love a child. Jack Reacher? I mean, er...

Hey. Seems like you... Guys, what are you doing?

Flirting? Er, no, I was... Yeah, we were just...

...just going over the case... Yeah. ...with Agent Church. So, that's...

to run these back to my desk then. Bye, Andy.

Come on, Clive, what was that?

What was what?

Did you need something?

I just wanted to shoot the shit with you.

'I've always wanted to be a policeman.'

HE IMITATES WALKIE-TALKIE Oh, there's bodies everywhere.

HE LAUGHS

Agh!

I tried to help.

All right, yeah. OK, well, I'll see you at the police lunch.

Do you have a gun?

No. Bulletproof vest?

No. Have you ever seen a dead body?

Yes, but I don't want to talk about it with you.

Have you ever touched...? Listen, I'd love to... Great.

...but I've really got to... Do you need help?

Probably not with the kind of stuff I'm doing. Oh, maybe, you know,

Borderline, the Met working together?

Listen, Clive, I'm a police officer.

I save lives.

You're a stamp jockey.

I've got to go. 10-4. That's not a real thing.

He called me a stamp jockey, which is so cool.

I'm going to start using that about myself.

Stamping is my favourite part of the job here at Borderline.

Well, I even carry around my own little ink pad at all times,

so when I start stamping shift, then I've got all fresh.

I mean, you can't win a race without a jockey.

And I'm a stamp jockey. And if a jockey falls off the horse

and the horse still finishes the race, then it doesn't count,

and if a horse breaks its leg then they kill it.

Shoot it in the head.

I'm sending you a message.

It's a quiet day at Borderline

as the team prepare for the arrival of an international criminal.

Stop. Sorry, I forgot you were supposed to stay stop.

Stop.

No, no, no.

No - stop.

Stop doing that.

While they wait, Detective Bradshaw joins Agent Mansoor

in order to gather some valuable intel.

What are you listening to?

Ah, no.

Come on, try me.

Kendrick Lamar?

King Kunta himself. Big fan.

Nice. I'm surprised you guys would like this kind of music actually.

Oh, I mean, just because I'm a massive racist

doesn't mean I don't like good music.

Yeah.

So, what about that Andy girl?

Who?

Andy, the only attractive girl in miles. Is she single?

Yeah, I guess, but she's...

You been up in that?

Nope.

Good.

Cos I'm gonna fuck her.

One time I was working a murder case and, erm...

wow, the victim's sister was good to go.

Being a detective is like being a magician,

and women love magicians.

Is this too much gel or...?

Yeah, that is...

That's too much.

You look like a vicar.

HE SIGHS Thanks, man.

I said dope.

Agent Brody isn't the only one looking to better himself.

Chief Inspector Proctor's also experiencing the benefits

of self-improvement after an hour's worth

of thorough, constructive criticism from the team.

Meditate. That's a nice... That's positive. Yeah.

That's a positive suggestion. I wanted to balance it out.

Thanks.

Why have you got those on, Clive?

Just thinking about things that I can work on.

Oh, that's nice, I like that,

and that's inclusive, cos none of us are perfect, are we?

No, no, no, no. No.

What does that say? Personal phone calls. I just meant...

Sorry, that was unnecessarily harsh.

No, that's fine. I just think if you are going to take them,

you could shut door just so that...

Anything else constructive that anyone can think of to say?

Ooh.

Er... Chillax.

Chillax? Yeah.

Yep.

Proctor now has a wealth of useful feedback

and has decided to put it into action immediately,

by heading back to her office to chillax.

The rest of the team is therefore released to kill time

until the international criminal lands.

Head down.

Why have you put hair gel on your neck?

Well, I've done the top and it's gone all shiny

and I've tried to do the bottom bit and it's... Well, I've panicked, eh.

Look up.

You don't need all this crap, you look fine without it.

That's very kind of you to say, Andy.

It's this girl I've been seeing, you know.

She's got my head spinning with a whole manner of emotions,

and, well, I've texted her last night

and she's not got back to me and I'm...

Well, maybe her phone died.

Aye. Aye, maybe. Never thought about it like that, maybe...

Yeah. Aye. Yeah, I'd just relax and don't freak out.

Aye. OK, look up. It's silly.

Ah.

Ooh, that's nice. OK, that's me done there, actually, yep.

What do I think of Terry?

Well, Borderline and the Met just don't mix. It's bad blood, you know?

'He seems like a nice bloke, but...

'there's something about him I don't like, you know?'

So, you're not buying this Detective Nice Guy routine, are you?

What do you mean? Don't you think he's a bit too nice? Too nice?

Oh, yeah, God.

I'd prefer to hang out with people that are,

you know, horrible or mean.

You know he likes you, right?

No.

He likes you and he's gonna...

Andy, can I have a word?

Yeah, sure.

Whilst they await the arrival of the international criminal,

Agents Brodie and Hassler kill some time,

and reflect that today's events

feel a little like one of their favourite movies.

I like Con Air.

It's a really good film. Yeah.

You know the bit when Steve Buscemi gets on the plane

and he's got the mask on his head?

And everyone's like... That bit scared me. Oh.

Everyone's like, ''Is that Steve Buscemi?''

Can't tell. How can a wee guy like that be a crazy murderer?

Ooh! it's always the ones you... THEY LAUGH

It's always the ones you least expect.

I could never do that.

What - murder anyone?

Mmm.

No. No.

Why would you think that you would?

I don't know, sometimes I think, like, maybe I will.

Hey, Monica, it's Tariq.

It has been a while, yeah.

Are you busy tonight?

Chief Inspector Proctor isn't officially needed

when the prisoner comes through passport control.

Nevertheless, she's eager to practise

her newly calibrated leadership skills,

even when she's not required to.

Chief!

Mmm? I just wanted to let you know that the, erm... the aeroplane...

The plane's arrived. Oh. Just like Con Air.

Does Terry want me? Eh?

I mean, has he asked for me?

No, no, he didn't ask for you specifically but I just...

You know, the criminal's there, everyone's downstairs, so...

Clive!

Help me look for my shoes.

They're here. Oh, God. Come on, come on.

it... Let's do one each, it'll be quicker. Leave it.

Leave it. OK, I'll see you downstairs.

No, don't go in front of me.

Finally, the long wait is over,

as one of Europe's most notorious criminals sets foot on British soil

and heads towards passport control.

The Borderline team stands ready.

All of today's anticipation,

hard work and preparation have come down to this moment.

There's no ink.

Give me that.

Does anyone have an ink pad?

HE LAUGHS Here you go.

Open this. Thanks.

Two agencies, working together.

Mmm!

Welcome to the UK.

And that's why I always carry an ink pad.

It's been a successful collaboration between the two Government agencies.

Now the agents are free to get back to their regular duties.

For Agent Brodie, that means checking his incoming text messages

for the 128th time today.

Got a text.

Turns out Dasha HAD run out of batteries.

Andy was right.

Just as well I didn't panic too much.

SHE LAUGHS Where's it gone?

And then in the text she said...

Well, that's between me and Dasha.

All right, well, she called me a bear,

but in a sexual way, so...

It was pretty good.

As the Borderline team prepares to leave for the evening,

Agents Mansoor and Church have a chance to reflect

on the day's events.

So, when's your date with, er... ? Terry.

Yeah, no, we're not going on a date.

No.

Just had sex. Yeah, really fulfilling sex,

just now on the runway in front of a plane-load of people.

Did he ask you out?

Yeah, he did.

I said no.

You said no.

Why is that surprising?

No, just thought that he was a handsome guy. Hello, babe.

Hey.

What you doing here? I wanted to come pick you up after work.

No, I said I'd meet you at the pub. I know, but you don't have a car

and I thought I'd give you a l ift. What can I say, I'm a good date.

Oh, it's not a date, we're just going to hang out.

SHE LAUGHS Hang out? Uh-huh.

OK.

Hi, I'm Andy.

Hi, I'm Monica.

So, since we're just hanging out, would you like to come along?

Oh, er, no, thank you, I've just had a really long day.

I've just had tons of sex with this hot policeman at work.

Oh!

Do you want me to introduce you? Because he is REALLY good-looking.

He'll take you on a proper date.

I mean, once I'm done hanging out with this one,

I would love to go on a proper date.

Well, this has been fun.

Erm, yeah, well, just... we're just going to go on.

Yeah, we're just going to hang out.

It was so nice to meet you, Andy. Yeah, you too, see you later.

See you soon? Yeah.

It's been an unusual day at Northend Airport,

but with the sense of a job well done, the team can head home.

For Detective Bradshaw, the successful handover means

he'll regrettably be leaving Northend,

but with a little luck, he'll be back very soon.

You know, I've got to be honest, every time I come to Northend,

I am always like, "Where are the cameras?"

And now there are actually cameras, so...

it makes a lot of sense to me.

Although I'm still not really sure,

is this...

is the show called The Bleakest Place On Earth?

Is that the name of the show?

No doubt about it

I'm on my way

Taking over

I'm here to stay

One day you'll be looking

Well, here's a drumroll now

Don't drop, don't tell me to sto

Cos I'll be taking over today

I'm taking over this old place

I'm on my way to outer space

? Don't drop Don't tell me to stop. ?

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