All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s01e10 One Trick Pony.eng

We're very different, but
I think that we bring out

the best in each other.

It's like you're chocolate
and I'm Mr. Peanutbutter.

Shut up and kiss me, you silly goof.

- Cut!

Welcome back to Excess Hollywoo.

I'm A Ryan Seacrest Type,
and I'm visiting the set

of Mr. Peanutbutter's Hollywoo Heist.

I'm thrilled to be talking
to the star of the film,

BoJack Horseman, and his
real life inspiration,

Mr. Peanutbutter.

Am I an inspiration?

Well, that depends on how you define...

- Wait a minute. Yes, I am.
- Ugh.

You know, I'm just over
the moon to be producing

this movie about my daring exploit.

- Yes, your daring exploit.
- Yes.

It's such a treat to be
shooting in my very own casa.

And it's an even sweeter treat
to be played by my good amigo...

dare I say best amigo?

- You "daren't."
- We're so in tune.

We even finish each other's...

sentences.

Sometimes it doesn't happen.

- It never...
- Happens.

Ah, see? I'm inside him.

BoJack, you haven't
worked in quite some time.

In fact, I thought you were dead.

You must be so grateful to be
working again and also alive,

which, again, I thought you were not.

How did you get involved with this?

Well...

You want me to play Mr. Peanutbutter

in the story he stole from me?

I stole the D,

and then he stole my stealing of it.

That makes him an idea
thief, which is much less cool

than a thief thief, which is what I am

and what he also is.

You know what might help?

If you think about this like a professional

instead of a big titty baby.

This movie is a huge opportunity.

Quentin Tarantulino is known
for revitalizing dead careers.

This could do for you what Reservoir Dogs

did for Rin Tin Tin.

But isn't there any other part?

I could play myself.

No, BoJack's already being
played by Wallace Shawn.

What? The short guy from The Princess Bride

who says "inconceivable"?

- Why Wallace Shawn?
- BoJack Horseman?

I don't want to play that boob.

I'm trying to help you out, Wally.

You're the one who keeps
buying expensive Rothkos.

I have a disease.

Would you tell an alcoholic
to stop buying alcohol?

You know, Black and Blue Number 7's

going up for auction next week.

Fine. I'll do the dumb movie.

Fine. I'll do the dumb movie.

But if you find me in a bathtub
with open wrists tomorrow

and the words "I hate my
agent" smeared across the walls

in blood, you'll know why.

So obviously I'm thrilled
to be here, just thrilled.

♪ ♪

Cast and crew only.

I know you're just doing your job,

but I live here, and the crew
has been here since 3:00 a.m.,

so I'm a little tired.

Cast and crew only.

Hey, stranger.

Haven't really seen you since the wedding.

Kind of feels like we're
coming back to school

- after summer vacation.
- Yeah.

I'll see you at the pep rally.

Hope we don't get Mrs.
Kirkman for trig this year.

Yeah, well, I hope the
cheerleaders don't stuff me

in a locker and write
"virgin slut" on my forehead,

and then when I ask how
I could be both a virgin

and a slut, they make me eat a lipstick.

Uh...

So what have you been up
to these last couple months?

Well, I've been pretty busy.
Met a girl at Soho House.

- Was she your waitress?
- Yes.

Then I met a girl at Mastro's.

- Was she also your waitress?
- Yes.

Then I met a girl at P.F. Chang's.

Let me guess. She was your...

A hooker, yes, but what
she really wants to do

- is wait tables.

Well, I, for one, would love to meet

the aspiring food-service worker

who finally gets you to settle down.

What? Why would I want to settle down?

I'm 50.

- Yeah, anyway...
- So I'm sending the first draft

of the book to Pinky this afternoon.

- What? It's done?
- Not yet. Almost.

I'm excited for you to read it,

but I'm also cripplingly nervous.

I actually kind of feel like throwing up,

but I can't throw up because
I haven't had anything to eat

because this lady won't
let me in my own kitchen.

Cast and crew only.

Listen, if reading a book
you wrote is anywhere near

as great as it is to
actually spend time with you,

I'm sure it's gonna be wonderful.

Having said that, what
do I know about books?

I'm just a dumb actor.

I'm here with Hollywoo darling Naomi Watts.

Tell me, what attracted
you to the role of Diane?

I just keep getting pigeonholed

as these complex characters
in highly acclaimed movies.

For once, I would just love to phone it in

and play a two-dimensional
girl in a rom com

with no inner life of her own.

That's kind of the reason
I got into this business.

Ha ha! You said words.

Now, is it true you stay
in character between takes?

Oh, we all do. The
director insists upon it.

He even has everyone calling me Diane

to help me get in the headspace.

It's been great.

Diane, looking good.

- Um, thanks.
- Ugh, not you.

I was talking to Diane.

Oh, thank you.

Now, where's my peanut butter?

Right over here, Q.

No, I'm looking for peanut butter.

Oh, you mean BoJack?

If I wanted BoJack, I would call BoJack.

Did someone call for BoJack?

It really cuts down on confusion.

Ah, show business, the great equalizer.

Is that what it is?

Todd, spritz me.

- Spritzing.
- Mm, mm, mm.

Well spritzed.

Have you ever been on a movie set before?

No, sir, Mr. Peanutbutter.

Please, Mr. Peanutbutter
was my father's name.

- Uh...
- And it's also my name!

Ooh, speaking of Mr. Peanutbutter,

I'll be back in a jiff, skippy.

Keep that air spritzed for me.

Aloha, kemosabe.

Hey, allow me to put on my producer hat

and produce you just for one second here.

I have a few notes on
how you're playing me.

Let's see.

Problems, problems,
problems, ah, here we go.

I find it really troubling
that my movie self

is wearing a crew neck T-shirt.

I only wear V-necks.

You see the problem.

- I do not.
- I just think if we're telling

the story, we should tell
it how it really happened.

Yeah, this whole story
isn't how it really happened.

Right...

because of the shirts.

Because I'm the one who stole the D.

I'm the real hero here.

My life is full of exciting adventures.

I should write a book.

Oh, wait. I did.

Suck on that, society.

Hey, you're in a mood.

Perhaps the tightness of that crew neck

is cutting off circulation to the brain?

Let me talk to Donna in wardrobe.

We're gonna fix this, buddy.

Donna!

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to get inside
my character, which is you.

Is this how we move our arms?

We're so weird.

Is this really necessary?

Is this really necessary?

That's not what I sound like.

That's not mut mi sound mike.

Hey, what's it been like
since we got married?

Is it everything we dreamed
of since we were little?

When I was little, I dreamed of getting

a MacArthur grant for my
'zine about how all the girls

at school were bitches.

- Oh.
- Look, the wedding was great.

But that's not real life.

I mean, I guess I got a happy ending,

but every happy ending has the day after

the happy ending, right?

And the day after that.

So the wedding was so much fun.

It was the happiest day of my life.

But, you know, what does that say

about all the days I have left?

Whoa.

We're such a Zoe.

Oh, Todd, glad you're here.

Hold this.

Todd, my jacket is on the floor.

You're supposed to hold the jacket

so it doesn't go on the floor.

Hey, sorry, BoJack... I
mean, uh, Mr. Peanutbutter.

But I work for Mr. Peanutbutter now.

- I mean, uh, Mr. Peanutbutter.
- Ugh.

I can't believe I'm on
a movie set, you know?

I mean, this is my first
chance to work on something big

since my rock opera fell apart.

Man, I really messed up
that huge career opportunity

all on my own, didn't I?

Uh...

Nothing sabotaged me one bit.

Yep.

You said it.

Well, see you later.

Where can I grab a nosh?

Oh, craft services is in the kitchen.

Up the driveway, through
the living room, make a left.

- Can't miss it.
- I'm gonna grab a quick bite.

Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.

Okay, fellas, here's the
thing about the story.

I don't buy it.

It's like something's missing,

but I can't put any of my fingers on it.

Um, maybe once we add the music...

The music? Are you kidding me?

Music? You're fired.

What dumb shit brought this dumb shit?

Okay, you're fired too.

Oh, okay.

Anyone else got any bright ideas?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hey, maybe it make it more Diane-y?

- Um, excuse me?
- I don't know.

This is probably stupid,
but the whole story's

about how this guy's in
love with this lady, right?

But we don't even know who
she is or what she wants.

I mean, maybe give her more lines or words

or, I don't know, feelings or whatever?

What?

He's new. He doesn't know the rules.

Forgive him, mighty Caesar.

Yes. Yeah.

I love you.

Who is this kid?

You're a genius.

- I'm gonna kiss your face.
- What?

Oh!

Come back to my web.

Let's talk about Diane's feelings

and make this baby sing.

Hey, Todd, talk to him about the wardrobe,

specifically the top half of the wardrobe,

specifically the shirt part of
the top half of the wardrobe,

specifically the neck part of
the shirt part of the wardrobe.

Ugh. What now?

I'm sick of this dog and pony show.

The movie is dumb.

Mr. Peanutbutter is
annoying the shit out of me,

and there's too much
honeydew in the fruit bowl.

Blech. Honeydew is garbage fruit.

Also, why is BoJack being
played by an old, nebbishy

five-foot-tall
bald guy?

Is that how the world sees me?

Oh, I see.

So I can play Vanya on 42nd Street,

but I'm not a deft-enough
talent to capture the essence

of the elusive BoJack Horseman.

So sorry to offend you, sir.

I'm just glad my book's coming out soon

so people will get an opportunity to see

the real BoJack Horseman.

Oh, are you coming out with a book?

You never mentioned it.

Plus, Todd's being super weird.

I think he's onto me.

Onto you in regards to what?

Oh, right, I didn't tell you.

I sabotaged his rock opera
by getting him readdicted

to a video game because I
didn't want him to move out.

Jesus Christ, BoJack.

Anyway, I think he knows
and might be plotting

to sabotage me back.

Why is it that 90% of our conversations

these days revolve
around plotting sabotages?

Are you saying I should
plot a countersabotage?

No, no more plotting.

Just be a good soldier and do your job.

Nobody is out to get you.

Have you seen the new draft?

They took it all off you and put it on me.

What?

Apparently some dickweed named Todd

decided I should be three-dimensional

and you should have no lines.

Ugh. Isn't this town sick of creating

three-dimensional roles for women?

This happens to me all the time!

A.O. Scott is sick of talking
about how brilliant I am.

Todd.

I guess what I've been saying

for the last seven
uninterrupted minutes is,

how can I forgive my father
if I can't forgive myself?

True dat.

But none of that matters,
because we bring out

the best in each other.

I'm the chocolate, and
you're Mr. Peanutbutter!

- True dat.
- Mwah!

Cut! Amazing.

This is the movie that I wanted to make.

This is gonna be great.

- Oh, my God, I'm so...
- Ugh, what kind of idiot

puts food on top of a hill?

Hey, so I guess now that
the movie's all about Diane,

I really need to dig deep
and get to know the real you.

So let's talk and talk
and talk until I am you

and you are nothing
but a hollowed-out husk

of your former self and every
thought and every feeling

you ever had belongs to me and me alone.

So do we like Sprite, or
are we more of a 7-Up girl?

Uh, that all sounds great.

But, you know, the person you
should really be talking to

is that guy.

- Yeah, okay, I'm done.
- Diane loves talking to him.

They have great rapport.

In fact, Diane could spend
all day talking to him

and never talk to me again.

Oh, I get it, because
Diane doesn't talk to Diane.

- Diane talks to...
- Anybody else.

Hey, Todd, remember that time

when you wouldn't clean up your shit?

That was hilarious.

- We've had some good times.
- Oh. Hi.

So I was thinking, I have some...

pretty sloppy seconds
left over from P.F. Chang's

in the fridge, and I don't
think that I want it anymore.

Maybe tonight you could eat it.

Friendly gesture because we're friends.

- Uh... - Oh-oh,
there's my guy.

I heard you had a few more
thoughts about the script.

I do.

I was just thinking, what if
we made the BoJack character

into a real shithead?

- Is that really necessary?
- I don't think it's necessary.

Yeah, let's... Let's make
him be a real selfish asshole

so the audience has
someone to root against.

You're probably right.

Let's take another swing at the script

and give BoJack more to do.

Now, when you say, "Give
BoJack more to do"...

Not now, Mr. Peanutbutter.

And also, now that I'm thinking about it,

why does the movie have
to take place on Earth?

You are blowing my head.

- I hope you like Oscars.
- Honeydew?

More like, "Honey, do I enjoy eating it?

Yes, I do." Right?

Not right, and I would love to
go through all the reasons why,

but I've got bigger concerns right now.

- Honeydew, go on.
- Did you notice

that the Mr. Peanutbutter
part has been cut in half?

- What is happening to our movie?
- I thought you hated the movie.

Yeah, I do, but if I'm
gonna be in a dumb movie

I hate that makes no sense,

I should at least be the star of it.

Look, I agree that this
movie has really lost its way.

I mean, first of all,
why would Mr. Peanutbutter

wear a crew neck T-shirt?

And second of all, uh...

It's just the shirt, isn't it?

It doesn't make sense.

I'm a V-neck man.

A V you can put your sunglasses in.

Can you do that with a crew neck?

Because I'd like to see you tr...

Whoa.

Bagel.

Thanks so much for
running this scene with me.

I have so many lines to learn.

Yeah, well, most of my
lines are, "True dat,"

but I guess it never hurts to practice.

The citizens of Planet
D want their king back.

But I'm more concerned with
getting my self-esteem back

after being in the shadow
of powerful men for so long.

True dat.

Is it just me, or is this movie

kind of flying off the rails?

Well, I don't want to
overuse my catchphrase here,

but true dat.

This is so typical.

I just wanted to do something light and fun

to distract me from the deep
well of sadness that is my life.

You probably wouldn't understand.

Oh, puh-lease.

I'm so deep down a well of sadness

that Baby Jessica is like, "Damn."

Shut up and kiss me, you miserable goof.

What?

Oh. Okay. Mwah.

Pop this in a drawer.

Huh?

- This is good, baby.

Oh, this is amazing.

Naomi, I haven't felt like this since...

No, no, shh, shh, shh!

Call me Diane.

Okay, got my bagel.

Now back to work.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys!

Wow, wow.

So you guys really hit it off, huh?

That's awesome.

Want to do some hand stuff in the bathroom

before we go down to set?

You read my mind.

Now, kiss me some sour cream.

Hey, so I finished the book

and sent the draft to the publishers.

What? My book is ready?

Let me read it. Can I read it?

Call Pinky.

He'll probably send you a copy
as soon as he's done with it.

All right! You hang tight, baby.

I got an instant classic to read.

Keep the engine running, though,

because if I know me,
this book is gonna give me

a pretty big erection.

Okay, enjoy! Keep an open mind.

You'll love it. It's a work in progress.

Hello. Penguin Publishing.

Unless this is that loan shark,

in which case, Johnny's House of Noodles.

May I interest you in our bento lunch box?

Pinky, it's me.

Let me read the book.
Give me, give me, give me.

Okay, okay, now, I should warn you,

it's not quite what we
expected, but it is good.

I'm telling you, this could really sell.

I might actually get to see my kids again.

Great. Send it over.

I'll read it right now.

All right, I sent it, but just remember...

To set my expectations sky-high?

- Way ahead of you.

All right, book, let's see what you got.

BoJack, this is you.

One Trick Pony?

"The first time I met BoJack Horseman,

he was puking cotton candy off the deck

of his lavish house in the Hills,

the lights of the city twinkling below us.

The Make-A-Wish kids
will not soon forget

the time the great BoJack Horseman

referred to their parents as
'a bunch of used jizz bags.'

He filled the air with
words, terrified of silence,

as one often is who is
smart enough to recognize

his many personal failings
but unwilling or unable

to take the steps required to fix them.

Got out of the car, stepped
out toward the coast,

and looked across the water,

and for a moment, he said nothing."

What the shit was that?

What the shit is this?

It's a phone. Well, a
tiny computer, really.

I mean, amazing what technology can...

You were supposed to ghostwrite my memoir,

but instead you wrote a
story about how you spent

six months with me and saw
what a big, dumb loser I am.

Well, I realized that the best way

to fully capture you, warts and all...

This isn't warts and all. It's just warts.

Where's the all?

I come off like a total asshole.

You come off as complex and deeply troubled

but ultimately sympathetic.

You might be too close to see that.

There's an entire chapter
about me eating apple fritters.

You did go through that fritter phase.

Is this book how you see me?

That day we ran errands together,

I thought that we had a really good time,

but you just wrote about how I cried

because the dry cleaner
took my head shot down.

You were very emotional.

They didn't even replace me with anyone.

Now it's just a faded spot
where my face used to be.

This will actually do
wonders for your career.

Trust me.

I mean, you're just a dumb actor

who doesn't know anything
about books, right?

- What?

Remember? From before?

Oh, I don't think you understand

what's happening here.

This is not a casual
conversation between friends.

This is your boss telling his employee

that she did a bad job.

- Try again.
- What?

Start over, but do it right this time.

Nobody is ever gonna see this.

- Ugh!

- Diane?

Hey, Wayne, you still work for BuzzFeed?

Um, yes.

'Cause I got something that's gonna get you

a shit-ton of hearts or digs or smileys

or whatever the hell you
measure your journalism with.

Curses!

My evil plan has been
defeated, but I'll be back.

You haven't heard the last

of Evil Emperor BoJackitron Horsemaniac.

Oh, no!

You shot a laser at me!

Oh, no! I'm dying.

Oh, no, I'm dead.

And so now that we've escaped

the evil clutches of the emperor,

I'm free to assume my natural form,

an all-knowing floating orb of light?

True dat.

- Cut, cut.

Come on, guys, this is ridiculous.

Is this even a movie anymore?

Oh, maybe it isn't a movie.

Yeah, maybe it's an
immersive smartphone app

or a 21st-century approach to
360-degree media envelopment.

Yeah, or maybe it's just,
like, a feeling, you know?

- We've got work to do.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, my God, this is so good.
- Oh, this is gonna be awesome.

Yes! Go, Todd.

Hello?

Are you just gonna leave me like this?

Anyone?

Ah!

Oh, good. You're here.

Oh, hi, BoJack.

This whole day's been a shit show.

The book turned out to
be a total hatchet job.

The movie's a disaster.

But thank God I have one
good thing in my life,

and that's you.

BoJack, I...

Please let me say this
before I lose my nerve.

I spent 50 years roaming the countryside

as a wild stallion, but
I am tired of the rodeo,

and I'm finally ready to saddle up.

BoJack...

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

this mustang wants to rest
his head in the comforts

of your spacious barn.

Uh, what?

I'm in love with you, Naomi.

BoJack, they fired me

and replaced me with a ball on a stick.

I'm so sorry.

But look at the bright side.

Now you and I can just hang
out and talk about feelings.

No, but you're not getting
it. Boys never get it.

BoJack, I was in character as Diane,

and as Diane, we had a real connection.

But now that I'm off the
movie, I'm Naomi again,

and Naomi is not interested
in BoJack Horseman.

In fact, she thinks he's kind of gross.

So I didn't fall in love with Naomi Watts?

No.

You fell in love with Diane.

Naomi what?

Good-bye, BoJack.

Ugh.

See? Nothing.

What's going on? Why are they packing up?

Oh, glad you're here. This is exciting.

Since we last talked,
this film has gone through

- so many permutations.
- So many.

First, we reimagined the whole film

as an interactive social-media experience.

Those are the dumbest
words I've ever heard.

I know.

So we realized it was actually

more of a floating art installation,

but that didn't feel right either.

We thought, is it a high-end perfume?

A series of interrelated fortune cookies?

A hat that if you turn it
upside down, it's a boat?

- No, it's none of those things.
- Exactly.

That's why we finally settled on this.

Voilà!

What am I looking at?

It is a bimonthly
curated box of snacks.

I don't know what that means.

I know. It's confusing.

Not the bimonthly that means twice a month,

the bimonthly that means every other month,

and each time it's a
different box of snacks.

This is the future of cinema.

You guys, finally, my story has been told.

Okay, that's a wrap,
everyone.

Thanks for making this
box of snacks a reality.

Let's go home.

What the hell happened to the movie?

Shit, there were snacks
here the whole time?

Not bad.

- Whoa!
- Look, I get it.

You destroyed my big chance at a comeback

as revenge for what I
did to your rock opera.

Revenge? Oh, that would
have been such a good idea.

Damn it, Todd!

Look, I figured out what you did,

but I've been trying to put
it behind me and do my job.

So cutting my part down
was not about revenge?

No.

And making BoJack the villain of your movie

was not a coded statement
of your feelings about me?

No.

Oh, okay, great.

Well, I'm... I'm glad we buried the hatchet

and everything's cool.

Uh, actually, you know,
everything is not cool.

You ruined my rock opera
by using character actress

Margo Martindale to trick me

into playing an addictive video game.

And saying it all together like that,

it all sounds kind of ludicrous.

But still, it was something I cared about,

and what you did really hurt me.

Oh. Well, this feels shitty.

You sure you don't want to just
get some revenge real quick...

thump me once in the stones
and then we'll be even?

I got to go.

I've got some artisanal popcorns
to gauge the mouthfeel of.

- Hey, BoJack.
- Yeah?

You want an apple fritter?

Uh, sure.

- Yeah, I bet you would.

I bet you'd like an apple fritter.

Yeah, an apple fritter would be great.

Why? What... What... What's happening here?

"Five Shocking Facts From New BoJack Book"?

No. No!

Um, everyone, please
turn off your Internet.

It has gone bad.

I repeat, the Internet has gone foul.

- What a loser.
- I'm glad I'm not that guy.

Give me your phones. I'm a celebrity.

You have to listen to me.

Look at his deep well of sadness.

It's hilarious.

Don't look at me. I'm well-adjusted.

- You all want my life.

Uh, what the hell?

I know, I know. But if
you just listen for...

You posted your dumb
little book on the Internet.

No, I just leaked the
first couple chapters,

and people are already talking about it.

This is wildly unprofessional.
Who do you think you are?

I know you're mad, and
you have every right to be,

but you got to read some of these comments.

People love you.

And they're gonna love you even more

when they read the rest of my book.

- Your book?
- Our book.

Nobody is gonna read that book.

How do you still not get that?

It is never going to be published.

BoJack, I stand by my work.

This is a really good book.

And if you just give it time, you'll see.

Maybe you're right.

Really?

No. You're fired.

♪ Back in the '90s ♪

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the horse ♪

♪ Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And I'm trying to
hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I
don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try
And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪

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