All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s01e05 Live Fast, Diane Nguyen.eng

1x05 - "Live Fast, Diane Nguyen"

Come on!

Oh, is it this guy?
Never travel without it.

Stop holding up the line, idiot!

It's not his fault.
He's just doing his job.

It's your fault, dummy.

I'm sorry, sir, no
liquid over three ounces.

This is Pappy Van Winkle, friend.

Do you know how old this bourbon is?
If this was a person,

I would've stopped having
sex with it a year ago.

- I'm sorry, sir.
- Do you know who I am?

Come on.

I'm actually a huge celebrity
on my way to New York

for an important meeting
with a book publisher,

who wants to publish a book
about me because I am famous.

- That's not...
- Fine, you want me to dance?

I'll dance.

Give me ten seconds, Diane.

This guy's being a total fascist.
Diane?

- Diane?
- Over here, BoJack.

How'd you get through so fast?

I followed the basic
requirements for air travel

that have been in place for over a decade.

- Ugh, weird.
- Sir, whoever you are, please...

Really?
You've never heard of my TV show?

You know very well who I am.

And now if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to New York.

Ah, no.

- More?
- Come on!

Oh, you know what?
Could be this.

Oh, my God, he's got a gun.

Relax, it's a lighter.

How much lighter fluid
can I take on the plane?

And before you answer,
remember, I'm a celebrity.

We're gonna need a full body cavity search.

Thanks for coming to New York for this.

Let's just say, it's better
for everyone's kneecaps

if I stay out of
California for a little bit.

Always nice to get a change
of scenery, am I right?

I think the New York air's
been good for my health.

I mean, I did find a lump,
but hey, who needs health insurance

when you've got BoJack
Horseman writing a book, huh?

How's it coming along?

It's great. I'm pumping out
heartfelt anecdotes and witty

observations left and right, and
this one is spinning it all into gold.

Your telephone is ringing.
I'm Ira Glass.

Thank you for being a sustaining
member of public radio.

Everyone has a story,

and your phone's story
is that it's ringing.

- Excuse me. Hello?
- Hurry back, superstar.

I don't think Diane's working out.

- What? Why? Is Diane no good?
- She's too good.

I don't know if Diane is
damaged enough to tell my story.

She's so... functional.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Horseman,
she's too functional.

Why don't I just get on the phone
and call a less functional...

What are you talking about?

- This is a very bad time, BoJack!
- All right.

You need to promise me that your book

will be on the shelves and
making money by October!

All right. Jesus.

Uh-huh?
Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.
Got it. Sorry I took so long.

Who was that? The library?

Thanking you for never
returning a book late?

That was my brother Tommy.
My dad just died.

Oh, my God.

Did we talk about firming
up the release date?

- I was thinking late September.
- I am so sorry.

It's fine, he was old and also the worst.

Such a terrible tragedy
really puts everything in perspective.

Where does that leave us as
far as the book of it all?

Not a problem.
I just got to swing by Boston

and give my condolences real quick.
BoJack can come with me.

We'll get some work done
while we're there, and then

that way the whole trip won't
be a total waste of time.

Great.
Call me if you need anything,

but hang up after one ring,
and I'll call you back

from the phone booth where
my wife and I are living.

♪ Todd bless these scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Eggs from the fridge ♪

♪ Sunny side them
And guide them ♪

Todd, stop singing
your dumb scrambled eggs song.

Who said that?

If you're wondering who said that,
it's this note that you're reading.

You're hearing my voice in your head,
because that's how reading works.

Oh, yeah.

As you might've noticed,
Todd, I've left you home alone

for the day, and frankly, I
already regret that decision.

Here's what you need to do. Nothing.

Don't touch my stuff,
and don't make a mess.

Pick me up at the airport tomorrow,

and until then, don't do anything.

Well, seal's broken.
Might as well enjoy myself.

Whee!

Cheers to bath time.

Great story, Todd. I love our friendship.

Here we go!
The great Toddini!

And here we have the home

of a truly dynamic and unique talent,
TV's own David Boreanaz.

Ohh!

Sounds like we have some fans
of Person of Interest on board,

or Castle, or whatever his show is.

Sorry, dudes, you got the wrong house.

Aww.

Crikey, I would've paid $50 U.S.
to see where David Boreanaz lives.

He's the American Hugh Jackman.

- Oh, yeah, 50 bucks?
- He's so good in Burn Notice.

What? 50 bucks?

In that case, come on in, friends.

Some guy named David Boreanaz lives here.

Hooray!

Hey, so listen,

I really want to be here
for you in your time of need,

but I'm not really good
with funerals or death

or families or feelings or people.

Don't worry. You can wait in the car.

It's probably better you
don't meet my brothers.

They're narrow-minded,
mean-spirited dirtbags.

I wish I had brothers growing up.

Touch football on the weekends,
noogie parades on the reg.

Life as an only child
can get pretty lonely.

Daddy, do you want to
meet my imaginary friend?

Imaginary friends are freeloaders
invented by communists to rip-off welfare.

Why don't you do something
productive, like bang your

head against the wall until
your brain isn't so stupid?

Okay, Daddy.

Yeah, well, I was pretty
lonely, too. My family made my

life miserable, and then they
never forgave me for leaving.

So, what, you're like the black sheep?

No, Gary's the black sheep.
He's adopted.

I'm just the member of
the family nobody likes.

And my dad was the worst of them all.

You told me that you
and your father used to

sit on the roof and look
at the stars together.

Oh, yeah, I was just trying
to get you to open up,

so I used an old writer's
trick called "me lying to you."

Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm using an old me trick

called "that hurts my feelings."

And the truth is, I used to
sit alone on the hill out by the

dump and dream of waking up as
Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair.

- You do have great hair.
- I know.

That's us.
I'll just pop in for a quick hi and bye.

Then we'll be on our way.
Ten minutes, swear to God.

You can play with this kaleidoscope
I got you at the airport.

What? A kaleidoscope?
I'm not five...

Shapes and colors the likes
of which I've never seen.

Hello.

Hey, yeah, Deedee came home!

Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee's back!
Come here!

Game. Watching the game.

Can't look up from the game.
How you doing?

Marty, it's a game from '86.
You've seen it a hundred times.

And how many times does
Buckner break your heart?

100 times.

Aw, thank
God you're here, Deedee.

Pops is wicked departed.

Oh, yeah, man. He departed so hard.

And I do not like them apples, Deedee.

Yo, Deedee, get me a beer.

Yeah, make that two, Deedee.

Gary, Marty, I just got home.

Ooh, Princess Diane doesn't
want to get her brother a beer.

Hey, Ma, come look what
the Pats dragged in.

Oh, hello!
Look who decided to come home.

Queen Deedee blesses us with her presence.
To what do I owe the honor?

Look, I'm just here to
offer my condolences.

Oh, sure, in and out, like
a Protestant on Christmas.

Why would you want to stick around,

be with your family in their time of need?

- Come on, Ma.
- Don't fight while the game's on.

- It's bad Juju.
- It's the '86 World Series.

- They lose.
- Ah, why'd you have to...

Oh, we're just a bunch of savages, right?

We're not like your
fancy California friends.

Your George Clooney and
your California Raisins.

Oh, come off it, Ma.
She don't mean no harm.

For five years she didn't come home.

Why don't you make like A-Rod and blow.

Well, this was clearly a huge mistake.

Ah, don't go.
Deedee, please.

Why not? Ma doesn't want me here.

Ma don't know what she wants.

She wants you here. We all do.
Ain't that right, Marty?

Can't look up from the game.

Besides, we need your help
organizing all the funeral stuff.

We didn't go to college.
We're not smart like you.

Fine, I'll help.
Is there a number for me to call?

Yeah, try
1-800-The-Internet, dummy.

Jeez, do some legwork, Dee.

And do it quick.
The ice is melting.

Oh, my God. Is that dad?

Did someone draw balls on his forehead?

That was before we knew he was dead.

We just thought he was wicked hung over.

In your face, Dad!
In your face forever.

Welcome to the
home of David Boreanaz,

famous from television shows

such as dramas on networks.

That will be $50 please.

Oy, mate, this picture of
David Boreanaz fell apart.

Oh, no, no, no, I'll handle
that. Why don't you just

go look through David Boreanaz's
underwear drawer, okay?

- It's in his bedroom.
- Oh, knickers.

Hey, what do
you think you're doing?

Uh-oh, am I reading something again?

No, this is your conscience.

BoJack trusted you to
take care of his house.

Is this really... What are you doing?

♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun ♪

♪ Dun-dun-dun... ♪

It's a great day on Todd's phone.
How can I help you?

Are you trying to cut me out
of this David Boreanaz deal?

I'm your agent, damn it.

How'd you find out about Boreanaz House?

Don't worry, I'm not just gonna sit here

batting a ball of yarn around
while you do the real work.

I want to take your
project to the next level.

We need to go bigger.

Have you thought about attaching
Mila Kunis to this thing?

- Attach her? How?
- You do your job. I'll do mine.

Who is this?

Ah, out of combinations.
Now I'm bored.

Diaaaaane!

- You show me nothing...
- What do you want from me?

You have no right to barge
in here after five years

- and judge us, Diane.
- I'm just saying Marty could lend a hand

instead of sitting on the
couch watching the game all day.

- Ah, Deedee.
- You know very well his leg's still sore

from the accident at the quarry.

Yeah, he's got to rest up if he's
gonna be a wide receiver for B.C.

He didn't get into B.C.

Ah, what's the point of
getting off the couch anyway?

All the jobs are going
to immigrants these days.

What do you... We're immigrants.

- How do you figure?
- We're Vietnamese?

Step off! We're American as fuck.

And that's the same crap you always pull...

What do you want from me?
Come on!

Excuse me.
Yes, hello, I'm looking for Diane.

Does anyone here speak English?

Pull over and park the car.

Is that the frickin'
horse from Horsin' Around?

Again, does anyone here speak English?

- Oh, no way...
- What? A TV star!

Boreanaz house.

Seventy-five each.
Children and seniors free.

Please stay behind
the ropes and keep your

hands and belongings on
your person at all times.

Next we'll head to the kitchen where...
Is that Mila Kunis?

Ooh!

Note the letters B.H. on
all hand towels and linens.

That stands for "Boreanaz House."

Yeah, do you pick up bodies?

Is that a service you provide?
Corpse removal?

Hey, BoJack, you ever meet
any Boston celebrities?

Well, one time at Bristol Farms,

Ben Affleck and I did reach
for the same bunch of grapes.

Oh, he eats grapes just like us?
Hey, Ma, Ben Affleck eats grapes!

He don't eat grapes!

BoJack said he fed Affleck grapes.

He was graping it up with
the Daredevil himself.

- This is the greatest day of my life.
- Oh!

Hey, I don't suppose
you boys would have any

interest in maybe playing
some touch football later?

Are you kidding?
Touch football with a star like you?

That would be mad wicked pisser.

Ooh, you know what else we got to do?

We got to watch the Cryane video.

Ooh, that sounds good.
What's that?

- No, we don't need to revisit that.
- When Deedee was 16,

we made up a secret pen pal
for her named Leo.

Guys, I really would rather not discuss it.

We all took turns writing her letters,

pretending to be this
sensitive boy from Cambridge.

It was wicked messed up.

"Oh, Diane, we're two misunderstood souls.

Everyone else is a phony.
Yours forever, Leo."

- What? That is amazing.
- After six months of letters,

we hired a homeless
guy to pretend to be Leo

and take her to the homecoming dance.

- Look at her.
- Watch, watch this part.

I like your boutonnière.

Why don't we watch this every day?

- Look at her face.
- Now that's a good prank.

- I was humiliated.
- Yeah, you wouldn't get it.

It's a brothers thing, right, brothers?

Whoo! That's Cryane for you.
What a pussy.

You know, it's nice that years later
we can all laugh about this.

Yep, my therapist thinks the same thing.

I'm gonna go meet with
the funeral director.

Any of you boys want to come?

Nah, I ain't so big on
funeral homes, Deedee.

All them dead bodies,
they give me the jeebies.

Yeah, Deedee, why do we got to go?

Fine, none of you have to go.
I'll take care of everything.

Thank you, Diane.
We all really appreciate it.

- Come on, BoJack.
- Why you got to take BoJack with you?!

Boo!

- Boo!
- Boys, you have stolen my heart

like Dave Roberts stole second base.

Hey! He knows our things!

I must go now, but I'll see
you all at the funeral, okay?

And when I do, you're all getting noogies.

- Funeral!
- Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Funeral!

Funeral! Funeral!

And now, a very special treat
just for our platinum members.

Let's take a peek at the slumbering
Mr. Boreanaz himself.

Get out of my room, Todd!
I'm David Boreanaz.

Ohh!

And thus concludes our tour.

Have a Boreanderful day.

Tell me about your father.

Well, he was a mean, sadistic
alcoholic, who never supported

anything I did and actively
delighted in seeing me fail.

Hmm, I see.
Sounds like you're looking for

our Piece of Shit Dad Package.

That would be too good for my father.

Hmm, I see.
Might I then suggest our

Piece of Shit Dad Package
Would Be Too Good For Him Package.

- Yeah, that's the one.
- Excellent choice.

Hey, can I suggest something?

You might want to loosen up a little.

I think you could actually
learn a thing or two

- from your brothers.
- Are you kidding?

If I was like my brothers,
nothing would ever get done.

I'm just saying, if you
can't find a way to let off

some steam you're going to explode.

God damn it!
Are you god damn kidding me?

I keep getting calls
from this unlisted number.

Ignore. Who are these assholes?

Why don't you just answer,
and then you'll know?

Oh, they'd just love that, wouldn't they?

Ugh, how are we supposed to
blackmail him if we can't reach him?

Maybe we got to get him where he lives?

- You mean... ?
- That's right, his house.

What the... Whose house is this?

Is that David Boreanaz?

I could've sworn BoJack
Horseman lived here.

Hey, let's keep these lines moving, huh?

You want to stop and chat, you gotta
pay for the extended stay ticket.

Ah, so much, so much, so much.

Another five Gs, T-Bag,
and we are in the pink.

I don't know, Princess Carolyn.

I ran out of shoeboxes for the money,
and the books aren't adding up.

Plus the men's lav needs
to be serviced, and I had to

fire Janine in the gift shop
for stealing Boreabble heads.

I mean, how did I end up
with all this responsibility?

Hey, I'm not screwing
around here, small fry.

- You better make those numbers sing.
- I don't think these offshore

banks we've been using
are 100% legal.

Yeah, well, my mother told
me never to slap an idiot.

What? Ow!

Now we're both breaking the rules.

You listen, and you listen
good. I've gotten used to

a certain lifestyle since
Boreanaz House went public,

and I'm not going back to the old way.

Mommy likes her shoes, see?
And her pearls.

Oh, I'm in too deep.
I don't know what to do.

I'll tell you what you should do.

Who said that?

It's me, David Boreanaz.

Is that what David Boreanaz sounds like?

Uh, sure.
Let me give you some advice.

As we say on my show...
I want to say, New Girl?...

just keep doing what you're
doing, and you'll be fine.

Wow, thanks, Davie B.

Never call me that!

- Unbelievable.
- It's 4:00. I don't think anyone's coming.

Unbe-goddamn-lievable!

All those jerk wads had to do was show up,
and they couldn't even do that!

Where's the body even?

Beg your pardon, minor hiccup.

My goons went to pick your
father up, but nobody was home.

For a nominal fee, we can
scrounge up another body for you.

Would you care to peruse our loaner closet?

Hey, assholes! Where were you?

I planned the whole funeral,
like you asked me to,

- and nobody showed.
- Yeah, we realized dad wouldn't

have wanted some stuffy funeral.

He would've wanted his body
to be chopped up into chum

- and thrown in Derek Jeter's fat face.
- Yeah, suck it, Jeter!

Wait, what? Where is Dad?

We got him chummed. He's in the truck.

- You chummed Dad?
- It's what your father wanted, honey,

but then you wouldn't know
anything about that, would you?

Let me get this straight.
So instead of coming to the funeral

that I paid for and
spent all day organizing,

you had Dad's body ground into chum,

so you could throw his
mushy remains on Derek Jeter?

No, not just on Derek Jeter.
We're gonna throw it into his fat face.

- Yeah, his fat face.
- In his fat face.

The Yankees are in town this week.

The planets are aligning, Deedee.

Tommy, you begged me to stay and help.

Why does everything always
got to be about big-shot Diane?

- Too good for her home.
- I don't think I'm too good for my home.

Yeah, guys, you got it all wrong.

Diane isn't a big-shot.
She's my ghostwriter.

She's writing a book that's not
even gonna have her name on it.

You think this is how she expected
her life would be going at 34?

She lives with her rich
boyfriend and doesn't pay rent.

She's not too good for anything.

- What?
- Diane's a freeloader?

- Even I pay rent.
- BoJack helping?

Whoa.

This is why I told you to wait in the car!

Oh, she snapped.
Here comes Cryane.

Hey, hey, Deedee, come on.

Diane, you are making a
public spectacle of yourself.

Deedee, what are you doing with Dad's keys?

Put those back.

Oh, come on, that's Dad's truck.

Dad's chum is in the back.

No! No, no, no!

Suck a dick, dumb shits!

Well, that crazy clam did it.
She took Pops.

Oh, no, what are we gonna do?

And it's a
one-hopper back to the pitcher.

Easy out at first.
So what we're gonna do is nothing?

Sox are on, and I haven't seen this one.

Does anyone know where
she might have gone?

Ah, she used to run off
like this all the time

in high school, too.
Who knows where crazy goes?

I think I know where she went.

Wait, you can't leave.
The party's just getting started.

I don't know, Diane was pretty upset,

- and she's got your dad.
- Oh, don't go, BoJack.

You're like the fifth brother I never had.

- I... Really?
- Yeah, don't leave, bro.

After this, we'll go play touch football
and do a noogie parade.

Ah, um...

Everyone please disperse.

This is an unlawful gathering.
Disperse immediately.

Oh, this isn't looking
good, Princess Carolyn.

- What are we gonna do?
- What do you mean, we?

Princess Carolyn always lands on her feet.

Ha!

Mr. Boreanaz, I presume.

Um, would you like a Boreabble head?

The amazing thing is, the house
looks just like BoJack's house.

They must have the same architect.

Anyway, how are things with you?

Not good.

I should've known it was a
waste of time to come back here.

Oh, that's awful.
Well, when you get back,

I'll give you one of my
patented Peanutbutter hugs.

Crunchy and creamy.

You know that patent wasn't
approved, but I'll take it.

- I have to go. BoJack's here.
- BoJack, well, what's he doing... ?

Hey.
Sorry I said all that stuff about you.

It's all true, isn't it?

I found this letter back at the bar.
I think it's for you.

Look, just read it.
I think you'll like it.

"Dear Diane, it's me, your old pen pal Leo.

This definitely isn't BoJack
Horseman writing this."

Keep reading.

"You're a good person, Diane,

and that's the most important thing.

Even if no one appreciates you,

it's important that you
don't stop being good.

I like how you always bring your
own bags to the grocery store,

and how you're always
organized to go places.

I like how you chew gum on the
airplane so your ears will pop.

A lot of people might not
appreciate that about you,

but I do.
Yours forever, Leo."

That's the best letter he ever wrote me.

Look, take it from someone
with his own shitty parents,

family is a sinkhole,

and you were right to get
out when you had the chance.

The stupid thing is,
even now I still just want

them to be proud of me
and think I did good.

Is that really stupid?

- Yep.
- No, it isn't.

Yeah, it is.
You want those guys to be proud of you?

I guess I was just hoping to
get some modicum of closure.

Closure is a made up thing
by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets.

It, like true love and the Munich Olympics,
doesn't exist in the real world.

The only thing to do now is
just to keep living forward.

Yeah, but every time
I come back here they...

So don't come back here.
What's great about Los Angeles

is nobody cares about where
you're from or who you are.

It's a superficial town
where you can worry about stupid shit

like keeping your pool clean,

and what artisanal nuts
to put on your salad.

- I do like salad.
- Oh, it's the best.

- Why do you think people keep moving there?
- Thanks, BoJack.

The good news is, your dad
can't hurt anyone ever again.

Uh-oh.

♪ Gonna spend the day ♪

♪ Over at Fenway ♪

Thank you so much, Derek Jeter.

I thought a big baseball hotshot like you

would be too busy to help us
old ladies across the street.

I always have time to
look out for my elders,

Yankee fan or no.

Is that a barrel of chum?

♪ Only at Fenway ♪

♪ Ba-dum, ba-da-dum ♪

Um, I'll meet you inside.
I have to make a call.

Okay.

It's Herb.
You know what to do.

Hey, Herb, look, I think we
have some unfinished business.

It seems like life's
too short to hold grudges

and stuff like that,
you know what I'm saying?

About life being too short?
Well, of course you know what I'm saying.

You're the one with terminal...
I feel like I'm doing all the talking here.

So anyway, I thought maybe we could chat.

Why don't you give me a call, okay?

Um... so smell you later?

This is BoJack. Horseman.
Obviously.

Ugh, who keeps calling me?

Come on, BoJack.
Pick up, pick up.

I'm sure he'll pick up.

It's BoJack. You know what to do.

♪ Back in the '90s ♪

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- # I'm BoJack the horse #
- # BoJack #

♪ BoJack the horse ♪

♪ Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to
hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try ♪

♪ And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪

Boxer versus raptor.

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

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