All language subtitles for Better Off Ted s02e09 Road.eng

Sync by celsojp - corrected by chamallow35
www.addic7ed.com

I always present choices.

Where you can take the high-road

or the low-road.

This is Pete Gilroy.

He runs others researches
in develpment department.

Petes a low-road guy.

Is this anyone's hoagie? Anyone? No.

I asked.

I, on the other hand, try
to stay on the high road.

Two? But only paid for one.

that's it.

Oh, almost...

There.

Ted on his back, straining with effort?

there's a mental picture
I can call back later.

That's gonna hurt for a while.

Hey, Ted.

Strengthening your hand for
that big date with yourself?

Nope, just practicing for later
when I squeeze your mom's boobs.

I'm not proud of that.

I actually had a lovely
conversation with Pete's mom

at the Christmas party.

The mat and the vest
are both magnetized.

When a child puts on the
vest and steps on the mat,

the magnets repel each other,

mang the child almost weightless,

like an astronaut bouncing on the moon.

Now every child can have
hours of repulsive fun.

Pete gilroy's team is
working on a similar system,

and the company's only
gonna go forward with one.

So we need to make damn sure
that it is "the floater."

Yeah, that's not such a good name.

What about "the astro-nut"?

You know, because it's crazy.

Has waving your hands
ever sold me on anything?

Remember "corpse-eating
battlefield robot"?

No.

What we have here is...

"The dream glider."

- That's fantastic.
- That's fantastic.

This technology also has a
exciting military potencial.

Imagine soldiers hovering
above a magnetized battlefield.

The Chinese won't know what hit 'em.

Oh, come on. We all
know that war is coming.

Can't we develop one product

that doesn't end up
being used to kill people?

Even our fat-free cinnamon roll
led to that new sticky bomb.

You're so moral and
perfect all the time.

Do singing birds and mice dress you

and brush your hair in the morning?

no.

Although my dad does call me "princess,"

and there is a grumpy
dwarf in my building.

Ted, we need your help.

We were working really
hard in the lab...

- And we had this pinata.
- Pinata?

That doesn't sound
like really hard work.

It was stuffed with science.

And...

Pinata!

And now the thermostat's broken,

and we were wondering if
you would tell the company

so they'll fix it.

We're worried if we report it,

the coany will retaliate,
like when I broke the flywheel

and they canceled my gym membership.

I mean, you remember
how ripped I was gettin'.

Guys, you broke the thermostat.

Just take the high road and report it.

And, Phil, they canceled
your gym membership

because no matter what class
you were in, you did jazzercise.

But I don't want to take the high road.

It's high.

I agree. We could fall off.

I can't stand that Veronica
makes fun of me in meetings.

If the boss doesn't respect
me, other people won't,

including the little Linda in my head.

And even on a good day,
that bitch never shuts up.

Veronica just has
trouble relating to you.

She thinks you always
want to do the right thing.

I don't alway do the right thing.

- Hey.
- Hey, daddy. Hi, Linda.

Hey, sweetie. Want to go smoke
a cigarette in the bathroom?

See? I can be bad.

Don't ever smoke, Rose.

Every time you smoke a cigarette,

Santa claus kills an elf.
What, helping or hurting?

Because I can throw jesus into the mix.

I think we're good. Honey, you
ready to go down to the hive?

The hive?

I thought you didn't like
veridian's after-school care

because they use the kids
for free janitorial work

- around the building.
- Yeah. Well, the hive has changed.

A lot of the executives'
kids go there now.

So they teach music and Chinese,
the weaknesses of the Chinese...

Chet just call.

Oh, hi, Rose. You look
fabulous. Have you lost weight?

I have been playing a lot of dodgeball.

Well, it's working for you.

I'm trying to teach Rose
that it's not all about looks.

- She's also very smart.
- Smart enough to stay skinny.

Anyway, Chet wants us to come up
and pitch him the dream glider.

Dream glider?

I know. It's fantastic.

Of course, lady pope over
here thinks it's immoral.

I'm no lady pope. I once
slept with my cousin's husband.

They were breaking up,
and I was really drunk.

Oh, and don't ever do that
either, or the tooth fairy

will put other people's
teeth in your mouth.

I'll meet you in Chet's
office after I drop off Rose.

Come on, sweetie.

Let's go try to forget all
the stuff that Linda said.

Allowing a child of 80
pounds or less to hover, roll,

spin or flip without ever
leaving their home planet.

We'll see what testing says,
but I'm flipping for this.

that's funny, because you just used

one of the words Ted just said.

No, that's great, guys.
It's a really good job.

I do have one question. Um,
are little boys gonna want

to look like they have a set of boobies?

hey, Chet, my eyes are up here.

wait, let's see if I can get
the... the tassels going in...

in difrent directions. There we go.

no, anyway, I think it's a home run.

Pete, why don't you show Chet
what our team has come up with?

It may not sexualize children,

but we think that every kid's
gonna want to wear one of these.

Lower center of gravity.
Allows the kid to be even safer

and jump even higher.

Sure, they're doing whatever they can

to get out of that diaper.

Zing! Bang.

Pete and i have a long history

of trying to undermine each other.

Solar paint.

It absorbs the sun's energy,
cutting heating costs...

fantastic. I just...
I have one question.

Uh, can you make the color
look even more like barf?

maybe add some bits of chewed-up
hot dog to complete the effect.

zing, bang!

it's a purification straw.

Any water you drink through
it, no matter how polluted,

- becomes safe for consumption.
- That's a great idea.

"No dessert, kids, until you
finish drinking your sewage."

Bang, bang!

Occasionally, Veronica tried
to get her licks in, too.

Unfortunately, she took big swings

but rarely connected.

Hey, Pete, with your diaper,

kids won't have to stop
playing to go to the bathroom.

Hey, Pete, do those come in disposable,

or do you have to
wash 'em out each time?

- Veronica...
- Wait. I can do this.

Hey, Pete, is it true that in space,

no one can hear you poop?

Oh, come on. That was hilarious.

I hate Pete. We need
to crush that wanker,

teach him not to mess with us anymore.

I'm sick of this war. It
just hurts both our teams.

We need to change tactics,

figure out a way to
get along with Pete...

you know, take the high road.

I don't take the high road, Ted.

The high road leads to pansy town.

Or maybe it ads to a more effective way

of handling an adversary... ville.

You take your road. I'll take mine.

look at that thing.

Somewhere, a naked sumo wrestler
is looking for his pants.

Damn it! That's fantastic.

Hey, Pete!

Veridian Dynamics

doing the right thing... it's important.

What does it mean in business?

We have no idea.

We know what wrong is.

Actually, no, we don't,

because we're a successful company,

not some boring ethics professor...

Veridian Dynamics

Right and Wrong. It means something.

We just don't know what.

For guys who spend as much time
thinking about boobs as we do,

you'd think we would
have caught this one.

hey, fellas. Man, it is hot in here.

Yes, it's very unpleasant.

So you've decided not to
report the thermostat, huh?

You guys have more brains
than a zombie Thanksgiving,

and your genius plan is to do nothing?

We're not doing nothing.
Doing nothing is passive.

We're waiting, from the
action verb "to wait..."

For someone who finds
this heat so intolerable,

they have to report it.

Can I get you some hot
tea or Mexican chiles?

For God sake, Ted, help us!

Hey, I'm sorry, fell,
but you made this bed.

Now you gotta sweat in it.

So I need you to look at Pete's
version of the dream glider.

See if you can redesign
it so it doesn't look like

a bathroom strapped to your ass.

Why would we want to help Pete?

Or you? Making us suffer like this.

It's a goodwill gesture.

I'm, uh, trying to make peace with Pete,

you know, warm things up between us,

get things cooking.

Light a fire under our friendship.

Sweaty, sweaty, sweaty, sweaty.

Oh, I get it.

Because zombies would eat
brains for Thanksgiving.

Oh! That's outrageous.

you make no sound when you walk.

Then I am ready to leave the monastery

and avenge my parents.

I'm kidding.

I just buy expensive shoes
made from very soft animals.

So I know you're too
much of a she-Gandhi

to ever do anything wrong,

but I need a person who will

and thought maybe you
could suggest someone

- who's not as...
- Me!

Yes, exactly. Not as you.

No, I mean, I suggest me.

I'm not some scout girl.

Well, you are eager and
desperate for my approval.

And that's two of the three qualities

I look for in a partner.

I need someone who knows about
testing and is willing to cheat

to make sure Pete's
magnet pants test badly.

Then you need me.

As testing coordinator
for our department,

I totally know how to manipulate it.

I mean, the testing
process is so flawed anyway.

Really, the whole thing
is a bunch of garbage.

I gotta go.

Okay, bye, daddy.

Bye, honey. I'll be
upstairs if you need me.

Okay.

Hey, Pete. What are you doing here?

Well, I come every afternoon for
the juice boxes and story time.

I have a daughter. What do
you think I'm doing here?

oh, so I see your daughter's
into those pioneer girl dolls

that come with the books.

Yeah. Your daughter collect those?

Only, like, all of 'em.
We just got Ida mae.

Oh! Ida mae kills me.

I know. The girl has rickets,
and she still wants to teach

her blind brother to square-dance?

I'm gonna die if she doesn't
survive the typhus epidemic.

Well, she's a fighter.

So, Pete, actually, I
was on my way to see you.

I had my guys make some
adjustments on your magnet pants

so they look less like
something you'd drop a deuce in.

Yes, I get it. They're diapery.

Wait, what's your game, crisp?

It's just, we've been attacking
each other's projects for years.

I think it's time we stop, you know?

Let our ideas live or
die on their own merits.

Yeah, right. You're trying
to glom on to my project

because you heard it's testing first.

Wait. You're testing first?

Oh, ho, ho, ho! Ok at
the big, saucer eyes.

Like you didn't know. You're
not testing for another week.

That gives me huge momentum.

By the time they test your
boob vest, it'll be dead.

It's not a boob vest.
You're a boob vest.

look, that's not what I'm doing, anyway.

- I'm reaching out to you, dipwad.
- Screw you, Ted.

okay, fine. I was
trying to be a grown-up,

except for the dipwad thing.

But I can see you're not interested.

So the gloves are off.

Oh, by the way,

Ida mae survives the typhus epidemic...

But then gets trampled
to death by a Buffalo.

You are a special kind of monster.

So Pete's project is testing today.

I want to burn his diaper
and salt the earth beneath it

so no new product will ever grow there.

Test groups are easy to manipulate.

People always agree with the
strongest voice in the room.

All we have to do is
get one charismac person

and make sure that person
is relentlessly negative,

and then we'll be puttin' on
a pair of brand-new happy hats.

what is it like in there?

Actually, today is a pretty good day.

So Pete's product is gonna
be tested by children.

Then we have to find
a charismatic child.

We'd like to check out Rose, please.

Okay.

It's ready to go.

Now all we have to do is
get Patricia to touch it,

and it becomes her problem.

I called her. She's on her way.

Have you ever noticed
how much of men's lives

are spent trying to trick
women into touching something?

Ooh. Hey, guys. Uh,
you wanted to see me?

Well, if you think it's
so damn hot in here,

why don't you turn down the thermostat?

I mean, hi, Patricia.

You know, it is awfully hot in here.

We like it hot. Keeps
out the... penguins.

Yes. There's a bunch of 'em back there

that have been trying to get in.

There's no air in this room.
It's making you guys weird.

What did you do, break
the thermostat? Yes.

I barely touched it.

Really, Patricia? Is that
how you're gonna play it?

But I didn't even...

we're past that now.

Now we're on to how you're gonna fix it.

I can't tell the company.

They'll put something in my
food to make me infertile.

They don't do things like
that or cancel gym memberships.

Ooh. I guess I'll just have
to pay to get it fixed myself.

Really? You're going to
fix it with your own money?

Well, maybe you'll
learn a valuable lesson

and be more careful next time.

Yeah.

And so I joined Lem and
Phil on the low road.

And since testing first
is a huge advantage,

I need to make sure that my
project goes before Pete's.

William.

Look what I found. It is
a signed first edition.

Harry e. Wilson's "ethics in testing"?

And it's yours if you do me one favor.

There's nothing I wouldn't do
to get my hands on that book.

So you're going to be in
a room filled with weak,

malleable children, and a man
is going to bring in a toy.

When he does, you're gonna
say very bad things about it.

- Why?
- Because we're telling you to,

and you should always do
what adults tell you to do,

especially when they give you candy.

It's just a fun game we're playing...

like dress-up, only instead
of clothes, we're dressing up

the things that are
coming out of your mouth.

I want you to start by calling
the toy a creative misfire,

an ill-conceived design paradigm

that's irrelevant to your demographic.

- Is she talking to me?
- she's trying to, sweetie.

Come on. She's a kid.

She has to say things
that a kid would say,

like, "that's not phat. It's whack."

Do the kids still talk like that?

It was very hip when I was 8.

Yeah, let's put a pin in
the lingo, flavor flav.

So if anyone says something positive,

you dismiss it with a derisive laugh.

A what?

No, no. It's more like...

- like that.
- No, it's not.

It's more like a...

no, it's a... it's
an actual laugh. It...

it's more of a gesture.

What? No. it's a scoff. It's a, "huh."

she's so sweet.

Our little killing machine.

She's gonna destroy Pete's moon diaper.

You're phat, Linda.

Why would you say that to me?

I mean "phat" with a p-h.

I'm reaching out to
you with your own lingo.

I couldn't have done this without you.

Well, ain't no thang.

Hi, kids. My name's William,

and I'm here to show you

an exciting new veridian product.

she nailed the laugh.

She's very useful.

Oh, God. That's our dream glider!

Mother... holy...

good news. I switched the testing.

Hey, what's Rose doing in there?

So any first impressions? Yes.

I'd never play with that.

I think it's stupid. It looks dangerous,

like it could kill a Jonas Brother.

No, no! Honey! Rose, honey, no, no!

So any other thoughts?

oh! I got an estimate.

Fixing the particle-based
environmental control thermostat

- costs $2,000.
- Wow. That sounds like a lot.

But you did really break it.

I can't afford that, so I
called my ex-boyfriend Rolf.

He works in air conditioning.

He'll fix it for free
if I have sex with him.

Well... sex is good, right?

not the way Rolf does it.

All right, Patricia, we're sorry.

Why? You guys didn't do anything.

We broke the thermostat

and made you think it was you.

So in that sense, we did.

Well, why would you do that?
I thought we were friends.

We are. Maybe not good friends.

No. Good friends would never do this.

- We're not even good people.
- We're really not.

You jerks get your own thermostat fixed.

Plus, each of you give me $500

or I'll tell the company you broke it.

We're not giving you any money.

No way.

Okay, then... fight each other.

- What?
- That's crazy.

That's the deal. Either
you pay me the money,

or I want to watch you fight.

And now it's $700 from each of you.

That's insane, okay? We're friends.

There's no way Phil and I..

I can't believe that you
involved my daughter in this,

and you got her to lie.

She was a star, Ted.
And you're not so pure.

You're the one who switched the testing.

Yeah, what were you thinking?
And pulling little Rose into it?

Oh, wait. That was us.

Switching the testing... how dare you?

Testing is a sacred
covenant between our company

and the American consumer.

- You defiled that trust.
- Zing, bang.

Stop, both of you.
You must stop talking.

I think we're winning.

Look, the project is now dead

because we all took the low road.

So I was right should
always stay on the high road.

Lesson learned. The end.

And you two are worse than me.

Actually, I think the lesson here is,

when we're on the low road,

we really have to coordinate better.

Now hear me out.

Ted, I need you to set up
another round of testing.

Linda, you mentioned you
have access to a dwarf.

We dress him as a kid... first
of all, he's 74 years old.

And at the risk of
you not respecting me,

I'm gonna have to say, I'm done.

I mean, I'm starting to
feel like a bond villain.

Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.

First of all, you two
are gonna go tell Rose

and those other children
that what you did was wrong.

Most importantly, I need your
word that the dwarf is gonna

live out the rest of his
life without our involvement.

- Veronica?
- I can't promise that, Ted.

You never know when we
might need an elderly dwarf.

Hey.

Listen, uh, I just looked over the specs

that you gave me with my guys,

and there's some really
good stuff here, man.

- So thanks.
- Oh. Well, you're welcome.

So maybe next time we can, uh,

try not to undermine each other so much.

That's what I'm thinking.

- Really?
- Yeah. Maybe we can even be friends.

Yeah. I... I'd like that.

Great. Oh, I just remembered...

I found out that you
tried to rig the testing

with your own daughter.

So we can't be friends,
'cause you're a douche.

Yeah, well, maybe I don't
want to be your friend either.

You hear that? Even a douche
doesn't want to be your friend!

I'm not proud of that.

And then we went back to his place.

I mean, he was my cousin's husband,

and I knew it was wrong,
but they were splitting up.

And you know how it is
when you're ovulating.

Okay. I think we've heard enough
about not doing bad things.

See? We're out of here in five minutes.

Told you that would work.

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