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Sync by: celsojp
http://www.addic7ed.com/
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Comunication. It's the word to any
successful relationship.
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00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:08,672
It's true between people,
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00:00:08,673 --> 00:00:10,373
and between the company
and theirs employess.
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00:00:10,820 --> 00:00:12,032
Debie.
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Relax.
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Breath.
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00:00:14,663 --> 00:00:16,350
Turn.
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00:00:16,351 --> 00:00:17,496
Hello.
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00:00:17,497 --> 00:00:19,476
I want comunicate to you
and idea had bought
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- The meals-ready-to-eat project.
- I'm sorry. It's my fault.
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00:00:21,938 --> 00:00:23,088
What's your fault?
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00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,623
I'm not prepared
to have a meeting right now.
14
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,233
Oh, no. We're not having
a meeting. We're just...
15
00:00:26,268 --> 00:00:28,074
I'm not prepared,
I wish I was.
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00:00:28,075 --> 00:00:31,559
because when I'm not prepared,
I get nervous and repeat.
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00:00:31,776 --> 00:00:32,863
Repeat.
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00:00:32,864 --> 00:00:35,483
Why don't I just jot
my idea down and send it to you?
19
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,432
that would be fantastic.
20
00:00:37,433 --> 00:00:38,705
Fantastic.
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00:00:40,867 --> 00:00:42,660
She gets a little
nervous around me.
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00:00:42,661 --> 00:00:44,892
Luckily talk with Debie isn't
only way to
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00:00:44,927 --> 00:00:46,109
We communicate around here.
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00:00:46,110 --> 00:00:48,874
There's also the memo.
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00:00:48,875 --> 00:00:52,140
memo 314...
employees must not use
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00:00:52,141 --> 00:00:55,608
offensive or insulting
language in the workplace.
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00:00:56,375 --> 00:00:58,412
"Employees must now use
offensive or insulting language
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00:00:58,413 --> 00:01:00,864
in the workplace"?
This has to be a mistake.
29
00:01:00,899 --> 00:01:02,576
Why would the company want
us to swear at each other?
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00:01:02,611 --> 00:01:04,698
Well, maybe they're trying
to make the people at work
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00:01:04,733 --> 00:01:08,842
seem more like a real
family, butt-munch.
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00:01:09,324 --> 00:01:10,908
Yeah, this is gonna be good.
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00:01:10,909 --> 00:01:12,552
Like everything
the company does to us,
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00:01:12,553 --> 00:01:14,391
is got to save money,
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00:01:14,426 --> 00:01:17,087
maybe when someone's called
a "lazy sack of crap,"
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00:01:17,122 --> 00:01:20,275
they work harder so they
can just be a "sack of crap."
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00:01:20,310 --> 00:01:21,804
Oh, this is gonna be a problem.
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00:01:21,805 --> 00:01:23,261
People here follow memos.
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00:01:23,296 --> 00:01:26,405
That memo came out saying
people have to follow memos.
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00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,490
This one is gonna
cause potty-mouth chaos.
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00:01:28,525 --> 00:01:30,351
Oop, Ted's gearing up for a burst of
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00:01:30,386 --> 00:01:31,829
middle-management leadership.
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00:01:31,864 --> 00:01:34,225
Out goes the chest,
up goes the chin...
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00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:36,490
I am going to go get
this fixed.
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00:01:36,491 --> 00:01:38,245
And away.
46
00:01:39,653 --> 00:01:41,085
This whole memo thing
47
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,342
Is bringing up this
strange sensation.
48
00:01:43,701 --> 00:01:45,957
It's like my feelings are itchy.
49
00:01:45,992 --> 00:01:48,248
Oh. Sounds like
something human is trying
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00:01:48,283 --> 00:01:51,500
- to fight its way out of you.
- Yes, I think it's an emotion...
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00:01:51,664 --> 00:01:54,101
like joy or spicy food.
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00:01:54,136 --> 00:01:56,701
Technically, spicy food isn't a...
53
00:01:56,702 --> 00:02:00,138
So what is it about the
memo that brings all this up?
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00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:04,593
well, it reminds me of
another memo five years ago,
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00:02:04,628 --> 00:02:06,938
when I was promoted to this job.
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00:02:06,973 --> 00:02:08,555
I was up against this man... Walter...
57
00:02:08,590 --> 00:02:10,481
who had the same last name as I do,
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00:02:10,516 --> 00:02:12,895
although we pronounce it differently.
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00:02:12,930 --> 00:02:15,644
There's another way
to pronounce "Palmer"?
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00:02:15,679 --> 00:02:17,645
In his family, the "p" is silent.
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00:02:17,924 --> 00:02:19,403
I think they're dutch.
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00:02:19,438 --> 00:02:22,417
Sounds like their stupid
handiwork, with their cheeses
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00:02:22,452 --> 00:02:24,596
and their giant propeller buildings.
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00:02:24,631 --> 00:02:27,246
So Walter... "almer"?
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00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,716
I know. Those people are unbelievable.
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00:02:29,751 --> 00:02:32,858
Anyway, they announced
the promotion in a memo,
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00:02:32,859 --> 00:02:34,516
Congratulating V. Palmer
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00:02:34,551 --> 00:02:36,671
only then,
it went on to wish him well.
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00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:38,899
I put through the paperwork,
but I've never known
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00:02:38,934 --> 00:02:42,124
whether that job was really
meant for me or Walter.
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00:02:42,159 --> 00:02:44,659
Maybe that itchy feeling
you have is guilt.
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00:02:44,694 --> 00:02:47,670
Guilt is a powerful emotion.
Every Thanksgiving, it makes me
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00:02:47,705 --> 00:02:50,842
take three planes just so i
can visit my racist aunt cookie.
74
00:02:50,877 --> 00:02:52,986
So this is guilt, huh?
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00:02:53,021 --> 00:02:55,276
In the past, I've always
just counteracted this feeling
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00:02:55,311 --> 00:02:58,287
with other emotions,
like sugar or drunk.
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00:02:58,322 --> 00:03:01,398
You should talk Walter. Maybe
find some way to help him.
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00:03:01,433 --> 00:03:03,250
Guilt it is a terrible thing
to carry around.
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00:03:03,691 --> 00:03:06,449
Well, I do hate this feeling.
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00:03:06,484 --> 00:03:09,966
- I hate it like I hate...
- don't tell me. The dutch?
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00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,775
I don't hate the
dutch. I love the dutch.
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00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:15,678
That's why I hold them
to a higher standard.
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00:03:17,815 --> 00:03:19,042
I don't know where this
memo came from...
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00:03:19,077 --> 00:03:21,466
but it's obviously a mistake,
so I was hoping human resources
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00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:24,182
- could put out a correction.
- We'll look into the matter.
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00:03:24,217 --> 00:03:25,299
Really?
87
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:28,410
No. The company doesn't
make mistakes like this, mr. Crisp.
88
00:03:28,445 --> 00:03:31,779
What about that memo
announcing "casual fribsday"?
89
00:03:31,814 --> 00:03:33,716
The company said
that wasn't a mistake.
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00:03:33,751 --> 00:03:37,399
They explained that the ancient
mayans prophesized fribsday...
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00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,308
the first ever end day of week,
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00:03:39,343 --> 00:03:41,579
which will occur in 2024,
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00:03:41,614 --> 00:03:44,732
and the company believes
should be celebrated casually.
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00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:46,556
I'm going to wear a denim pantsuit.
95
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:50,685
And when they urged all
employees to "carpoop"?
96
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:53,235
That was not mandatory. Thank God.
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00:03:53,270 --> 00:03:54,917
Although, we did find
out what people will do
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00:03:54,952 --> 00:03:56,672
to park slightly closer
to the building.
99
00:03:57,374 --> 00:03:59,493
So you're not
gonna help me with this?
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00:03:59,494 --> 00:04:01,143
Sorry. I like the memo.
101
00:04:01,189 --> 00:04:04,170
All day long, I have to listen
to people like you complain.
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00:04:04,205 --> 00:04:06,244
Now I can finally
tell 'em what I think,
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00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:09,801
- you white-toothed Ken doll.
- You know, having white teeth
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00:04:09,836 --> 00:04:12,194
and looking like a handsome
doll is not exactly...'
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00:04:12,195 --> 00:04:14,588
- turd-hat.
- Very enough.
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00:04:14,623 --> 00:04:16,804
the company wasn't
going to retract the memo
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00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,453
telling employees to be rude
and abusive, and that meant
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00:04:19,454 --> 00:04:22,043
things we are going to get
very confusing for Phil in lab,
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00:04:22,078 --> 00:04:24,825
who unfortunately never read
their memos.
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00:04:24,826 --> 00:04:26,437
And so this new line
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00:04:26,472 --> 00:04:28,550
of meals-ready-to-eat gives
the soldier in the field
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00:04:28,585 --> 00:04:31,203
a portable meal with all
the home-cooked flavor of
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00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:34,623
something mom used to chemically
dehydrate and vacuum pack.
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00:04:34,658 --> 00:04:36,451
I was looking at the
ingredients and I was wondering
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00:04:36,486 --> 00:04:39,304
if there's enough protein
content, you boob.
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00:04:39,305 --> 00:04:41,512
Excuse me?
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00:04:41,547 --> 00:04:43,030
I was wondering about
the protein content.
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00:04:43,031 --> 00:04:44,724
- But then you said...
- You boob.
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00:04:44,725 --> 00:04:45,784
There is.
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00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,165
I suppose we could add more
protein to the thing we call
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00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,566
"beige block three," or "stroganoff."
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00:04:50,601 --> 00:04:53,905
It's got plenty of protein,
you big-eyed stick insect.
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00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:55,323
The problem is the vegetables.
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00:04:55,358 --> 00:04:57,646
Okay, fellas, let's just try
to keep it under control here.
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00:04:57,681 --> 00:05:00,041
Don't listen to these
bucktoothed hillbillies.
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00:05:00,076 --> 00:05:01,391
Taste is the real problem.
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00:05:01,392 --> 00:05:02,884
It's a battlefield,
not a four-star restaurant,
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00:05:02,919 --> 00:05:04,115
back-alley crab muffin.
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00:05:04,150 --> 00:05:07,252
Okay,
I gotta ask... What's going on?
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00:05:07,287 --> 00:05:10,407
Because this meeting is a lot
saucier than the one yesterday.
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00:05:10,442 --> 00:05:12,273
Looks like somebody didn't
get the memo.
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00:05:13,728 --> 00:05:15,034
he asks a simple question
133
00:05:15,035 --> 00:05:17,112
and you give him sarcasm
for the eighties?
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00:05:17,113 --> 00:05:18,825
Here.
135
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:20,716
oh, it's an actual memo.
136
00:05:20,717 --> 00:05:24,404
They want
us to insult each other... sir?
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00:05:25,314 --> 00:05:26,797
that wasn't a good one.
138
00:05:26,832 --> 00:05:29,381
But in my meetings,
that's not going to happen.
139
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:30,743
But the memo said we had to.
140
00:05:30,778 --> 00:05:32,724
Well, we're not doing
it in here, pudberger.
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00:05:32,759 --> 00:05:35,802
What? That's his last name.
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00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:43,088
So Veronica went down to
the basement...
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00:05:43,123 --> 00:05:46,026
hoping she'd feel better if
she talked to Walter Palmer.
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00:05:46,061 --> 00:05:47,673
Hello, Walter.
145
00:05:47,674 --> 00:05:50,219
I don't believe it.
Veronica Palmer.
146
00:05:50,254 --> 00:05:51,548
I'm sorry, Palmer.
147
00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,659
I never could get used to the way you
pronounce it.
148
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:55,135
Here, I brought you a cake
149
00:05:55,170 --> 00:05:56,736
and a jar of herring.
150
00:05:56,771 --> 00:05:57,911
Maybe you can wait until I leave
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00:05:57,946 --> 00:05:59,699
before you smear the cake
with it.
152
00:06:00,207 --> 00:06:01,242
I'm not dutch.
153
00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:02,400
Uh, and the dutch don't smear herring
154
00:06:02,435 --> 00:06:04,399
on half the things you say they do.
155
00:06:04,582 --> 00:06:06,934
But thanks for the
cake. Is it my birthday?
156
00:06:06,969 --> 00:06:09,152
I sort of lose track of time down here.
157
00:06:09,187 --> 00:06:11,621
No, I just want to say
I've always felt bad
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00:06:11,656 --> 00:06:14,051
that we had to compete
for the same job.
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00:06:14,052 --> 00:06:17,599
Please. I'm the one who feels bad.
I've always hated how I acted
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00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:19,572
in the bull pen after
losing that promotion.
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00:06:19,692 --> 00:06:21,923
It was not a good impression of you,
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00:06:21,958 --> 00:06:24,118
and I'm sorry I stretched
out your shoes.
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00:06:24,119 --> 00:06:25,246
Don't worry.
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00:06:25,281 --> 00:06:27,245
They were the cheap footwear
of my former life.
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00:06:28,387 --> 00:06:31,034
can I buy you something
to cheer this place up?
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00:06:31,035 --> 00:06:33,503
Maybe a lava lamp or
a freezer of steaks.
167
00:06:35,134 --> 00:06:36,714
I'm the one who feels guilty
168
00:06:36,749 --> 00:06:38,389
about the way I handled your promotion.
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00:06:38,424 --> 00:06:39,732
Let me make it up to you...
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00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,203
take you out for a
drink or something.
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00:06:42,204 --> 00:06:43,344
Ew.
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00:06:43,379 --> 00:06:46,358
Are very thoughtful, but I can't.
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00:06:47,328 --> 00:06:49,488
Oh, I get it. You're still mad at me.
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00:06:49,523 --> 00:06:51,134
I'm such a jerk.
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00:06:51,169 --> 00:06:52,887
And I deserve to carry this guilt around
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00:06:52,922 --> 00:06:54,893
back and forth in this tiny basement.
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00:06:55,877 --> 00:06:57,826
Okay, I'll have a drink with you.
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00:06:58,165 --> 00:07:00,060
Any chance you have a bottle down here,
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00:07:00,095 --> 00:07:02,169
and we can just knock it
out right now?
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00:07:05,418 --> 00:07:08,021
That meeting was chaos. I
hate all the name-calling.
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00:07:08,056 --> 00:07:09,598
And it's nott because my mama is fat
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00:07:09,633 --> 00:07:11,003
and does sit around the house.
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00:07:11,004 --> 00:07:13,379
I kind of like it.
It makes people freer...
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00:07:13,414 --> 00:07:15,137
like they can say
whatever's on their mind.
185
00:07:15,172 --> 00:07:18,074
Even Debbie spoke up today,
and she never talks in meetings.
186
00:07:18,109 --> 00:07:20,741
Well, we're not doing
it in here, pudberger.
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00:07:21,461 --> 00:07:23,139
What? That's his last name.
188
00:07:23,174 --> 00:07:24,747
All right, let's just try to regroup.
189
00:07:24,782 --> 00:07:26,953
Wait! You pretty-boy suit rack.
190
00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:31,263
What this m.r.e. Needs
is ethiopian stew.
191
00:07:31,477 --> 00:07:33,707
It's hearty, nutritious and simple,
192
00:07:33,742 --> 00:07:35,525
like all of you bastards.
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00:07:36,109 --> 00:07:37,980
Debbie's never opened her mouth before,
194
00:07:38,015 --> 00:07:40,087
- and it was a good suggestion.
- It was a good idea.
195
00:07:40,122 --> 00:07:42,065
But then mark called her
a Tory-loving royalist,
196
00:07:42,203 --> 00:07:43,235
and everything fell apart again.
197
00:07:43,236 --> 00:07:44,274
You ju don't like this
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00:07:44,305 --> 00:07:46,017
because you always
have to be in control.
199
00:07:46,052 --> 00:07:47,724
You're a control freak...
that's what you are.
200
00:07:47,725 --> 00:07:49,233
I don't always have to be in control...
201
00:07:49,509 --> 00:07:51,181
although, it is my
exact job description.
202
00:07:51,182 --> 00:07:52,937
You're tall, you're handsome,
203
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,836
you got the power tie,
the power suit.
204
00:07:54,871 --> 00:07:56,506
People think you're intimidating, Ted,
205
00:07:56,541 --> 00:07:57,865
and you like that because it means
206
00:07:57,950 --> 00:07:59,906
- you get everything you want.
- Okay, first of all,
207
00:07:59,941 --> 00:08:02,740
my appearance is not my
fault. God made me this way,
208
00:08:02,775 --> 00:08:04,703
and then he told me
where to shop for suits.
209
00:08:04,704 --> 00:08:06,918
Ted, a little caos can be
a good thing.
210
00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:08,328
My grandpa met my grandma
211
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,338
when a Tornado blew her into his barn.
212
00:08:10,496 --> 00:08:14,432
He pulled the rake out of her
chest and proposed on the spot.
213
00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:17,749
We really should have
been reading these memos.
214
00:08:17,784 --> 00:08:20,654
Damn! We didn't have
to work on Thanksgiving?
215
00:08:20,689 --> 00:08:22,594
And look! Like I suspected,
216
00:08:22,629 --> 00:08:24,840
we were supposed to
be wearing lead aprons
217
00:08:24,875 --> 00:08:27,181
when we were working on
that genital x-Ray project.
218
00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:28,478
Here it is.
219
00:08:28,513 --> 00:08:31,666
"Employees must now use
offensive or insulting language
220
00:08:31,701 --> 00:08:33,125
in the workplace."
221
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,791
I can play this game.
222
00:08:34,826 --> 00:08:37,332
I wrote that humorous column
in my college newspaper...
223
00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:40,246
"Lem's snappy answers to
theoretical physics questions."
224
00:08:40,281 --> 00:08:43,119
Pow! You've been Lem-basted.
225
00:08:43,154 --> 00:08:45,052
I'm terrible at insults.
226
00:08:45,087 --> 00:08:47,993
As a child,
I was beaten up constantly.
227
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,115
The best comeback i
ever came up with was,
228
00:08:50,150 --> 00:08:52,765
"you're right.
I'll work on that."
229
00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:57,485
I can help you, you
sad jar of hobo urine.
230
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,909
Pow! I've been Lem-basted.
231
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,715
Hey, who is that relaxed
and approachable guy?
232
00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:11,222
Is that Ted? Why, yes, it is.
233
00:09:11,257 --> 00:09:12,941
You look like you're on
your way to mix cocktails
234
00:09:13,159 --> 00:09:14,205
at a swim-up bar.
235
00:09:14,206 --> 00:09:16,148
Well, i-I was
thinking about what you said...
236
00:09:16,183 --> 00:09:18,804
about how I might seem a little
controlling and intimidating.
237
00:09:18,839 --> 00:09:21,269
So I tell you to take a look
at the way you approach life,
238
00:09:21,304 --> 00:09:24,235
and you put different
clothes on? What a dill weed.
239
00:09:24,270 --> 00:09:26,307
And that's not a
company-mandated insult.
240
00:09:26,342 --> 00:09:27,783
That one came from the heart.
241
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:29,187
Well, come on.
242
00:09:29,222 --> 00:09:31,516
The clothes are symbolic...
the first step in saying
243
00:09:31,551 --> 00:09:33,591
that I'm willing to
try to make a change.
244
00:09:33,626 --> 00:09:35,701
Actually, I was hoping
the clothes would cover it.
245
00:09:35,702 --> 00:09:37,792
I had the worst night last night.
246
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,159
Didn't you get the memo?
247
00:09:39,194 --> 00:09:41,583
Casual fribsday is not until 2024.
248
00:09:41,618 --> 00:09:44,114
I'm trying to be less
intimidating. Apparently, my...
249
00:09:44,149 --> 00:09:46,686
wow. That's the fastest I've
ever lost interest in something.
250
00:09:46,721 --> 00:09:50,700
I went out with Walter Palmer
last night because of you.
251
00:09:50,735 --> 00:09:52,403
Me? What did I do?
252
00:09:52,404 --> 00:09:53,832
You started questioning memos,
253
00:09:53,867 --> 00:09:55,226
which brought up all this itchy guilt,
254
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,793
so I agreed to have
drinks with the guy.
255
00:09:56,936 --> 00:09:59,875
He told me, after he lost
the promotion, his wife left.
256
00:09:59,876 --> 00:10:02,575
I felt even more guilty, so i
let him take me out to dinner,
257
00:10:02,610 --> 00:10:04,769
where I learned he also lost his house.
258
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:07,240
Then I find out he's living
in his parents' basement,
259
00:10:07,275 --> 00:10:10,143
which is so damp, his dog got
arthritis, fell down the stairs
260
00:10:10,178 --> 00:10:12,446
and now has to be carried
around like a suitcase.
261
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:14,279
- So I let him kiss me.
- Oh, my God!
262
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:16,584
But then I still felt guilty, so
I let him feel me up.
263
00:10:16,585 --> 00:10:17,714
- Oh, my...
- yeah.
264
00:10:17,762 --> 00:10:19,620
I'm thinking i
might need new breasts.
265
00:10:19,655 --> 00:10:21,224
These are covered in
sadness.
266
00:10:21,225 --> 00:10:24,039
Wow. This is like the most depressing
"penthouse" letter ever.
267
00:10:24,074 --> 00:10:26,736
I kept waiting for the guilt
to lift, but it never did.
268
00:10:26,771 --> 00:10:28,221
What am I gonna do?
269
00:10:28,596 --> 00:10:31,507
Maybe I'll buy him a boat.
Guys like boats, right?
270
00:10:31,542 --> 00:10:32,945
Hey, Veronica.
271
00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:35,674
I had a great time last night.
272
00:10:35,709 --> 00:10:38,275
I was wondering if maybe i
could take you to dinner later
273
00:10:38,310 --> 00:10:39,786
for a little Walter and Veronica,
274
00:10:39,787 --> 00:10:41,454
version 2.0.
275
00:10:42,401 --> 00:10:44,424
how would you like a boat?
276
00:10:44,425 --> 00:10:46,826
something you could
just get in and go...
277
00:10:46,827 --> 00:10:49,429
Really shove off...
Just get out of here.
278
00:10:49,430 --> 00:10:52,432
Well, I couldn't take a
gift like that from you.
279
00:10:52,433 --> 00:10:53,685
I'd feel too guilty.
280
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:56,432
Yeah,
guilt. What a horrible thing.
281
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:57,576
See you at 8:00.
282
00:10:57,611 --> 00:10:59,228
Oh, and this time, please don't say,
283
00:10:59,263 --> 00:11:01,977
"thank you for kissing with me."
284
00:11:06,196 --> 00:11:08,631
can you press "10" for
me, you rat-face nazi?
285
00:11:11,553 --> 00:11:13,376
Your breasts should be on display
286
00:11:13,411 --> 00:11:15,710
at the swiss museum of miniatures.
287
00:11:17,030 --> 00:11:18,996
You said 10, right?
288
00:11:19,852 --> 00:11:22,141
Before we start, I realize
some people may think
289
00:11:22,176 --> 00:11:24,066
I'm controlling and
a little intimidating.
290
00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:27,636
But I want you to know,
all ideas are welcome.
291
00:11:27,637 --> 00:11:30,338
Really. I want to hear
from everyone.
292
00:11:31,351 --> 00:11:34,321
could you repeat that in
English? I don't speak wuss-ass.
293
00:11:35,043 --> 00:11:36,494
We're not doing that in here, Phil.
294
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,996
I'm so very sorry. You won't
hear another word out of me.
295
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:42,292
So not being controlling
lasted for about one second?
296
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:45,656
I'm sorry. The naggity-nag-nag
bitchy-bitch is right.
297
00:11:45,691 --> 00:11:47,691
Anything anyone wants
to say is fine by me.
298
00:11:47,692 --> 00:11:49,159
You heard the corporate chimp.
299
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,194
Start making suggestions
for meals-ready-to-eat
300
00:11:51,195 --> 00:11:53,731
before his head goes back up his butt.
301
00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:56,819
I like fresh tomatoes,
right off the vine.
302
00:11:56,854 --> 00:11:58,156
Oh, come on, mark, use your head.
303
00:11:58,191 --> 00:11:59,308
How are we gonna get fresh...
304
00:11:59,309 --> 00:12:01,674
open forum, chim chim.
Just let the ideas flow.
305
00:12:01,709 --> 00:12:04,874
I'm sorry, mark. I'm writing it down.
306
00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:09,211
Sometimes when I'm lonely,
I like to watch myself eat.
307
00:12:09,212 --> 00:12:11,525
Why don't we put a mirror in there?
308
00:12:11,526 --> 00:12:13,143
You like to watch yourself eat?
309
00:12:13,178 --> 00:12:15,216
I'm writing it down.
310
00:12:15,217 --> 00:12:17,933
I like to have some wine
with dinner.
311
00:12:17,934 --> 00:12:19,609
They're soldiers!
312
00:12:20,427 --> 00:12:22,152
Writing it down.
313
00:12:27,721 --> 00:12:29,456
I need your help, slut.
314
00:12:29,491 --> 00:12:30,934
What's the problem, tight-ass?
315
00:12:30,969 --> 00:12:33,733
Easy, Linda. It's a
memo, not a magic shield.
316
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,482
I need to make a man run
screaming from my life.
317
00:12:38,387 --> 00:12:40,021
I'm happy you
came to me for advice,
318
00:12:40,056 --> 00:12:42,599
but sad this is my area of expertise.
319
00:12:42,634 --> 00:12:45,220
I went out again with
Walter. Now if I blow him off,
320
00:12:45,255 --> 00:12:47,007
he'll think that i
hurt him five years ago,
321
00:12:47,042 --> 00:12:48,733
then looked him up and got
him to fall in love with me
322
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,239
so I could hurt him again.
323
00:12:50,274 --> 00:12:51,934
Plus, I backed over his
foot when I was leaving,
324
00:12:51,969 --> 00:12:53,972
which, according to
our relationship math,
325
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,202
means tonight's the night.
326
00:12:56,237 --> 00:12:59,412
Well, in my experience,
scaring a man away is pretty easy.
327
00:12:59,586 --> 00:13:01,487
Basically, you're gonna
want to put three words
328
00:13:01,522 --> 00:13:05,538
into heavy rotation...
future, babies, commitment.
329
00:13:05,573 --> 00:13:07,860
Back off! I need my space.
330
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:11,477
Wow, those words are powerful.
331
00:13:17,568 --> 00:13:20,087
What are you ciphering there, jethro?
332
00:13:20,765 --> 00:13:22,665
I've really enjoyed
repeating the put-downs
333
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:25,321
you've been feeding me, but
I want to do it on my own.
334
00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:28,226
Give a man an insult, he
can hurt people for a day.
335
00:13:28,261 --> 00:13:31,421
Teach a man to insult,
he can hurt people
336
00:13:31,456 --> 00:13:34,358
who tease him because
he never learned to fish.
337
00:13:34,393 --> 00:13:36,794
Anyway, I've devised a formula.
338
00:13:36,829 --> 00:13:38,695
Look at that.
339
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:41,026
You had a problem in your life
and who stepped up to help you?
340
00:13:41,061 --> 00:13:44,036
Math. She has always been
there for you, hasn't she, Phil?
341
00:13:44,071 --> 00:13:47,734
If she ever took physical form,
I'd leave my wife and marry her.
342
00:13:47,769 --> 00:13:49,528
Stand in line, my friend.
343
00:13:49,563 --> 00:13:51,080
Anyway, it's really quite simple.
344
00:13:51,115 --> 00:13:53,687
You take a person's most
marked physical feature,
345
00:13:53,722 --> 00:13:56,656
compare it to genitalia...
male, female or animal...
346
00:13:56,691 --> 00:14:00,967
and end with the suffix
"-bag," "-wipe" or "-muncher."
347
00:14:01,002 --> 00:14:03,149
You could also add an
optional reference to excretion
348
00:14:03,184 --> 00:14:05,127
from any of the glorious openings
349
00:14:05,162 --> 00:14:06,712
offered by the human body.
350
00:14:07,078 --> 00:14:09,087
Should we take her for a spin?
351
00:14:09,122 --> 00:14:10,973
Excuse me, Roger?
352
00:14:11,008 --> 00:14:15,373
Your head looks like lizard
butt flap, you snot wipe.
353
00:14:21,551 --> 00:14:22,941
Walter.
354
00:14:22,976 --> 00:14:25,012
Hey... it looks like
somebody can't get enough of me.
355
00:14:25,047 --> 00:14:28,636
You're right. I can't. In
fact, we need to talk about us
356
00:14:28,671 --> 00:14:32,980
and the future of our babies
and how they'll be committed.
357
00:14:33,015 --> 00:14:35,888
Wow, that's a lot to take in. Okay.
358
00:14:35,923 --> 00:14:37,896
I need this relationship
to have a future
359
00:14:37,931 --> 00:14:40,188
because I need babies. That's right...
360
00:14:40,223 --> 00:14:42,842
big, screaming babies
shooting out of my uterus,
361
00:14:42,877 --> 00:14:44,700
just stacking up like cordwood.
362
00:14:44,701 --> 00:14:46,006
Really?
363
00:14:46,041 --> 00:14:48,583
Yes, sir. That's all
I ever think about...
364
00:14:48,618 --> 00:14:51,052
the future, babies and commitment.
365
00:14:51,087 --> 00:14:53,551
Future, babies, commitment.
Future, babies, commitment.
366
00:14:53,586 --> 00:14:54,947
Commitment, commitment,
commitment, commitment...
367
00:14:54,982 --> 00:14:58,239
whoa, slow down! This is
happening a little fast.
368
00:15:00,285 --> 00:15:02,650
Okay! I'll do it!
369
00:15:03,838 --> 00:15:06,047
- Babies, babies, babies, babies...
- yes!
370
00:15:06,082 --> 00:15:07,700
As many as you want!
371
00:15:07,735 --> 00:15:09,640
My parents always say
that since my wife left,
372
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:12,408
I've been too cautious about
relationships, but damn it!
373
00:15:12,443 --> 00:15:14,418
This is the one. I know it is.
374
00:15:14,453 --> 00:15:16,975
Let's light this candle and blast off
375
00:15:17,010 --> 00:15:20,528
into a calm, settled,
monogamous relationship.
376
00:15:20,563 --> 00:15:22,902
Oh, my. Look at me.
377
00:15:22,937 --> 00:15:25,481
I'm so happy, I can't
feel my legs.
378
00:15:27,903 --> 00:15:30,939
so I took everyone's ideas for
the meals-ready-to-eat project,
379
00:15:30,940 --> 00:15:32,941
and here it is.
380
00:15:32,942 --> 00:15:34,743
The specs called for a soldier to carry
381
00:15:34,778 --> 00:15:36,431
three of these in his backpack.
382
00:15:36,466 --> 00:15:39,815
Now we have to design
a 14-foot soldier.
383
00:15:39,816 --> 00:15:41,249
Good news, Ted.
384
00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:43,585
I cured Walter of his
fear of commitment.
385
00:15:43,586 --> 00:15:45,919
He wants to get portraits
painted of the two of us
386
00:15:45,954 --> 00:15:49,046
with his suitcase dog, all
wearing turtlenecks.
387
00:15:50,027 --> 00:15:52,528
I've got a box lunch the
size of a handball court.
388
00:15:52,529 --> 00:15:53,977
Now I gotta go find Phil and Lem
389
00:15:54,012 --> 00:15:55,594
and straighten out this m.r.e.
Disaster.
390
00:15:55,595 --> 00:15:57,293
Don't "boo-hoo" me.
391
00:15:57,328 --> 00:15:59,873
Did that m.r.e.
Touch your boobies, Ted?
392
00:15:59,908 --> 00:16:02,737
Then shut the hell up.
393
00:16:05,574 --> 00:16:08,472
What I didn't know was Phil
and Lem weren't in the lab.
394
00:16:08,507 --> 00:16:10,550
They were having an entirely
different adventure...
395
00:16:10,585 --> 00:16:12,593
test-driving their new
insult-generating formula.
396
00:16:12,594 --> 00:16:14,609
Your eyes look like
two beady rabbit pellets
397
00:16:14,644 --> 00:16:16,582
on the face of a
monkey-licking pus-bomb.
398
00:16:16,617 --> 00:16:18,984
- You've just been Phil-abusted.
- Nice!
399
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,887
That's it... fill up your
canker-blossomed hole,
400
00:16:23,922 --> 00:16:26,227
you ale-soused
apple-John.
401
00:16:26,228 --> 00:16:28,229
That was the elizabethan model.
402
00:16:28,230 --> 00:16:31,533
Ye have been served.
403
00:16:36,993 --> 00:16:38,280
nice man-boobs,
404
00:16:38,315 --> 00:16:41,742
for a panty-snatching steroid muncher.
405
00:16:41,743 --> 00:16:44,144
What's the matter? Didn't
you get the memo?
406
00:16:44,145 --> 00:16:46,146
no, Phil, he didn't.
407
00:16:46,147 --> 00:16:50,082
He delivers the water.
He doesn't work here.
408
00:17:02,262 --> 00:17:04,630
thank God that finally broke.
409
00:17:04,631 --> 00:17:06,066
Hey, Ted.
410
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:08,936
I may go home early
today and never come back.
411
00:17:09,730 --> 00:17:11,939
you can't go home.
I need you guys.
412
00:17:11,940 --> 00:17:14,909
And that's it... the insulting
language stuff has got to end,
413
00:17:14,910 --> 00:17:16,377
you douche-nozzles.
414
00:17:17,165 --> 00:17:20,715
Sorry. That was one for the road.
415
00:17:20,716 --> 00:17:22,817
We just got Ted-ucated.
416
00:17:22,818 --> 00:17:24,952
Look, Janet, it's crazy out there.
417
00:17:24,953 --> 00:17:26,847
Two of my guys just
got beaten with water.
418
00:17:26,848 --> 00:17:29,572
I'm sorry. There's
nothing I can do, mr. Crisp.
419
00:17:29,607 --> 00:17:31,724
I don't like that memo
anymore either.
420
00:17:31,725 --> 00:17:33,949
Way too many people
are having fun with my name.
421
00:17:33,950 --> 00:17:35,242
I'm surprised it took this memo
422
00:17:35,277 --> 00:17:36,641
to get that train out of the station.
423
00:17:36,642 --> 00:17:38,370
Look, I've had several complaints,
424
00:17:38,405 --> 00:17:41,101
but the company is not going
to admit it made a mistake.
425
00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,233
What if it didn't have to
admit it made a mistake?
426
00:17:43,268 --> 00:17:46,191
What if it could just say that
it... it's making a-a new policy,
427
00:17:46,226 --> 00:17:49,278
based on a groundswell
of employee opinion?
428
00:17:49,279 --> 00:17:52,115
Look at that pretty little
head of yours, working up ideas.
429
00:17:52,116 --> 00:17:53,934
I'm a fan.
430
00:17:53,935 --> 00:17:55,722
Well, I like you, too, Janet.
431
00:17:55,757 --> 00:17:58,621
So we gonna do this?
432
00:17:58,622 --> 00:18:00,888
What are we talking about,
exactly?
433
00:18:00,889 --> 00:18:02,261
End this policy.
434
00:18:02,296 --> 00:18:03,342
Oh, that.
435
00:18:03,377 --> 00:18:06,282
Well, if we call it a groundswell,
436
00:18:06,317 --> 00:18:07,865
I think the company would go for it.
437
00:18:07,866 --> 00:18:10,387
That way, it gets to
pat itself on the back
438
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,812
for listening and being a great
communicationer.
439
00:18:12,813 --> 00:18:14,250
You mean "communicator."
440
00:18:14,285 --> 00:18:18,141
That's not what it
says in the handbook.
441
00:18:22,141 --> 00:18:24,075
hey, I just got this memo.
442
00:18:24,109 --> 00:18:25,977
We don't get to swear
at each other anymore.
443
00:18:26,011 --> 00:18:27,720
It was due to a "groundsmell."
444
00:18:27,721 --> 00:18:29,075
well, the good news is, this company
445
00:18:29,110 --> 00:18:31,215
does not squander its best
and brightest typing memos.
446
00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:34,665
So is this all going in the m.r.e.?
447
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:37,888
Yeah. It now stands for "meal
really enormous."
448
00:18:39,089 --> 00:18:41,582
This is what happens when you
take everyone's suggestions.
449
00:18:41,617 --> 00:18:43,186
Well, why did you do that?
450
00:18:43,187 --> 00:18:45,771
Because someone I care
about thought I was controlling.
451
00:18:45,806 --> 00:18:48,666
You care that much
what I think about you?
452
00:18:48,701 --> 00:18:51,181
You are taing about me, right?
453
00:18:51,182 --> 00:18:52,650
Yes.
454
00:18:55,290 --> 00:18:57,943
so is any of this stuff usable?
455
00:18:57,978 --> 00:19:00,837
Yeah. Debbie's ethiopian
stew is pretty good.
456
00:19:00,872 --> 00:19:02,635
And... and when it hardens,
457
00:19:02,670 --> 00:19:04,786
it forms an unbreakable
arch support in your foot.
458
00:19:04,821 --> 00:19:06,891
Oh, well, see? There you go.
459
00:19:06,926 --> 00:19:08,961
All you needed was one good idea.
460
00:19:08,996 --> 00:19:11,010
And you got that because
you listened to everyone,
461
00:19:11,487 --> 00:19:13,488
which you did because
you listened to me.
462
00:19:13,523 --> 00:19:16,258
In case you missed it, the
lesson heris listen to me.
463
00:19:16,292 --> 00:19:20,049
What's this I'm hearing
about ethiopian stew shoes?
464
00:19:20,084 --> 00:19:21,962
It's all they're
talking about upstairs.
465
00:19:21,997 --> 00:19:23,971
Well, speaking of
exciting developments...
466
00:19:24,006 --> 00:19:26,223
when I was in h.r.,
467
00:19:26,258 --> 00:19:28,701
I dug up this old memo
about your promotion.
468
00:19:28,736 --> 00:19:31,061
All the executives had
to sign off on it.
469
00:19:31,062 --> 00:19:32,314
Really?
470
00:19:32,349 --> 00:19:35,586
"I know we agreed not to let
women into upper management,
471
00:19:35,621 --> 00:19:37,996
"but Veronica Palmer is man-smart.
472
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:41,930
"And, hello, as she breaks
through the glass ceiling,
473
00:19:41,965 --> 00:19:43,802
we can all look up her skirt."
474
00:19:43,837 --> 00:19:47,567
Oh, my God. That promotion was mine.
475
00:19:47,602 --> 00:19:49,541
I didn't ruin Walter's life.
476
00:19:49,576 --> 00:19:52,586
what is wrong with
those old farts upstairs?
477
00:19:52,621 --> 00:19:54,805
Seriously, they wrote that in 2005.
478
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,065
I am off to scrape Walter off my shoe.
479
00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,399
You may want to be more gentle...
480
00:20:00,434 --> 00:20:03,836
I have a hickey on my belly.
481
00:20:06,850 --> 00:20:09,494
And so Veronica went
down to the basement
482
00:20:09,529 --> 00:20:10,858
and broke up with Walter.
483
00:20:10,893 --> 00:20:13,437
But then she made it up to him
484
00:20:13,472 --> 00:20:16,350
by giving him a new aboveground office.
485
00:20:16,385 --> 00:20:19,787
Wow.
486
00:20:19,822 --> 00:20:22,123
thank you.
487
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:26,113
Phil and Lem retired
their insult formula
488
00:20:26,148 --> 00:20:28,521
and made amends with the water guy.
489
00:20:31,386 --> 00:20:34,187
and I realized communication
isn't just about talking.
490
00:20:34,222 --> 00:20:35,475
It's about listening.
491
00:20:35,510 --> 00:20:38,310
Debbie, I just wanted to say
492
00:20:38,345 --> 00:20:39,857
I appreciated your work on the m.r.e.,
493
00:20:39,892 --> 00:20:41,798
and when it comes to any
other toughts you may have,
494
00:20:42,012 --> 00:20:43,063
I'm listening.
495
00:20:43,064 --> 00:20:44,604
I think
we should go out, Ted.
496
00:20:44,639 --> 00:20:48,086
You can do whatever you want to me.
497
00:20:49,466 --> 00:20:50,959
And just because I listen
498
00:20:50,994 --> 00:20:53,024
doesn't mean I have to
take every suggestion.
499
00:20:53,074 --> 00:20:57,624
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