All language subtitles for Better Off Ted s02e03 Battle of the Bulbs.eng

sync by Yescool- corrected by chamallow35
www.addic7ed.com

The potential for a long lasting
light bulb is... enormous.

In a recent study, people's
desire to see things

ranked third, right after hitting things

and trying to have sex with things.

- And if people could...
- Hey, that's my doughnut!

Shut up. Ted's talking.

By leveling the current, we
have increased bulb life by 38%.

This is the greatest leap
in bulb technology since...

-interesting fact... The
original lightbulb shape

was patterned off Edison's neighbor,

whose head was hideously enormous.

This bulb lasts so long,
it will be giving off light

well after you're dead.

Gentlemen, when you fight
like that, manhood weeps.

Nice work, Ted. You've made a
super long-lasting lightbulb.

And since that's the
name of this project,

your instincts are spot-on.

Thank you, everybody.

- The company's gonna love this.
- And I can't get enough of the company's love.

Maybe you and the company
should spend a weekend

in wine country together, share
a couple of bottles one evening,

maybe convince it not to
wear panties to dinner.

You should jump on that, Ted,

before the crazy outweighs the hot.

So there's a famous theoretical
physicist named Stella Clifton

giving a lecture tonight.

She's on the company's
radar, and I'd like for you

to go talk to her about
coming to work here.

I'd emphasize the salary she'd make

and downplay the way we treat people.

I'm sorry. I couldn't help but overhear.

Hiring Stella Clifton
would be a huge mistake.

She's arrogant, super critical

and hangs her wet bras on everything.

I mean, that's the buzz
in the physics chat rooms.

Stella Clifton is lem's mom.
He doesn't want people to know

- because he's always felt overshadowed by her.
- So you're saying we have an in?

I'm saying, can't we
just let this one go?

Wouldn't be the first time we
didn't hire a brilliant scientist

because someone at the
company would be upset.

- Remember Bob Hitler?
- No, I forgot the scientist named Hitler.

Okay, fine. We won't go after Lem's mom.

But this would be
easier to sell upstairs

if someone named Clifton had
bombed the hell out of London.

Good morning, Phil.

You're late.

Were you up watching
that documentary on moss?

Can you believe how much
that stuff likes shade?

- It just goes nuts.
- No, I was up because my mom was having sex with some guy.

Either that, or they were
using her bed to hammer

a very stubborn nail into the wall.

It's not right the way she treats you.

She's so inconsiderate.
She's like rhodesian wet moss.

That stuff doesn't give
a damn who it hurts.

Good morning! I had sex last night.

That's right... dirty, sloppy sex.

Truly, gentlemen, my hips were a blur.

I went to the Stella Clifton lecture,

and afterwards we started
to chat and hit it off.

- So we went to a bar...
- Tell me you met another woman there and went home with her.

I did meet another woman.

But she wasn't
interested, so I went home

with Stella Clifton and
porked her all night.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Yeah, she sounded just like that.

- I had a great idea.
- You should have come in here holding that bulb over your head so I could tell.

Yesterday I was in my cubicle,
and a fly got caught in my lamp,

- and it started to cook.
- That's not really an idea.

That's more of an unpleasant anecdote

- or a cautionary tale for flies.
- No, the bulb kept giving off this putrid smell,

so I sprayed perfume on it.

And then today when I turned my lamp on,

my whole cubicle smelled
pretty. And so I thought,

bing! We should develop a
line of scented lightbulbs.

Uh...

And react positively.

Okay, um...

You hate it.

All I ever do is test
other people's ideas.

I was so excited to finally
come up with one of my own.

But you're right. It's stupid.

I should die like a lightbulb fly.

No, it's not stupid. It's just,
I have spent years developing

this long-lasting
bulb, and I don't want

to distract the company
with a different one.

Not to oversell it, but
mine will save the world,

and then Veridian will change its name

to Ted's awesome lightbulb company.

Perfect. Now I can tell my joke.

How many product testers does
it take to change a lightbulb?

Ted hated my idea.

No. Seven.

- The end still needs work.
- I told Ted an idea I had for a scented lightbulb,

but he didn't think we should do it.

Hmm. I think a scented
lightbulb is a good idea.

Really? You think it's worth pursuing?

No, I don't.

- I'm kidding. I like it.
- You do?

No. Oh.

- Seriously, I like it.
- Okay, what are we doing now?

I'm showing you that you care
too much what people think.

Successful people don't do that, Linda.

You've gotta be confident.
You've got a good idea,

- and you shouldn't let anyone stop you.
- You really think it's a good idea?

No, I don't. Well, I do.

Finally! And that's why it
takes seven product testers

to change a lightbulb.

So I took Linda's idea
for scented lightbulbs

upstairs to Chet, and he loved it.

Really?

Wow.

You went over my head on this?

- No. I... I just went out your door and ran into Veronica.
- Then she went over your head.

The company sees this as a whole new way

to market lightbulbs to women.

And since you thought of
the idea and you're a woman,

even though your shoes argue otherwise,

- the company wants you to co-run the
project with Ted. - That's fantastic.

Ted, are you okay with this?
Please be okay with this.

It would be so exciting
if we could work together

on a project that I came up with.

Of course.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

- It is going to be...
- And your lightbulb project is dead.

Fantastic.

- Mommy?
- Hello, sweetheart.

How was your day at the crap factory?

You know, sometimes I feel
like you judge what I do.

I'm not judging you.

I just weighed the empirical evidence

and came to an objective conclusion...

you're wasting your talent.

It's like Jackson pollock
painting cars for $99.95.

Listen...

I wanted to talk to
you about Dr. Bhamba.

- My new lover?
- Yes.

It's just, you two dating

is making it awkward for me at work.

Heaven forbid I've slowed production

of the latest worthless gadget.

What will people do without a helmet

that feeds them cheeseburgers

- or a remote control for their underpants?
- We're not making a cheeseburger helmet.

They pulled the plug

after it Fed one of the
test subjects to death.

I'm sorry, Lem, but I'm
not giving up my Bhamba.

He's a very special man.

Look. This robe is so
short, if I were a bell,

you could almost see my clapper.

I'm never calling you
daddy. Never, never!

Okay...

I am happy for Linda.

Yay, Linda.

But the long-lasting
bulb is important to me.

And taking my feelings
completely out of it,

it is way better than
Linda's dumb, smelly bulb.

Ted, Ted, Ted. I see
what's going on here.

You're worried that after years
of the company adoring you,

a shiny, new Linda has come along,

- and they may not have enough love for both of you.
- I am not worried about that.

- Did they say that's what's happening?
- I know what you're going through.

When my little sister came
along, I was very jealous.

That feeling never went
away... even when she was older,

and I put testosterone
in her orange juice

so she became hairy and unlovable

- and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.
- Oh, my God!

I was not a perfect child, Ted.

My parents only had so much love,

and I got it, and monkey girl didn't.

Anyway, don't be like that.

Whoo!

Ow!

Maybe Bhamba's not
talking about your mom.

Maybe he's talking about the time

- he won that hula-hoop competition. - And
that's how I won the hula-hoop competition...

And developed the pelvic stamina
to satisfy the sexual desires

of the famous Dr. Stella Clifton.

I can't believe your
mom is doing this to you.

She's really not going
to stop seeing Bhamba?

Nope. I spent my whole
life trying not to be

just the son of the
famous Stella Clifton,

and now that's all anyone's
going to be talking about.

He it's Stella Clifton's
son! Welcome to Veridian.

We expect great things from you.

I've been working here for 11 years.

Oh, I doubt that.

Great to have you aboard.

Okay, everybody's here.

Okay! Everybody's here.

I know you're co-leading
this, but that doesn't mean

- just repeating what I say.
- Maybe you're repeating what I say

just before I get a chance to say it.

Okay, Linda. Why don't
you take the meeting?

All right, I will. Ted,
bring us up to speed.

- All right. First of all, let's talk about a timeline.
- Timeline, people.

Because some of us who have
never run a project before

may not realize it can take
years to go from an idea

to a workable prototype.
Am I right, fellas?

Absolutely.

See?

But in this case, the concept
was so elegantly simple

that we banged one out this morning.

Interesting.

So then I would be safe to say... ha.

Please. Your bulb
smells like Pumpkin pie.

Mine would have slowed climate change.

But I guess when the ice caps melt,

we will need something that smellsood to cover
up the stench of all the dead polar bears.

Boys, how long would it take
to develop new technology

- so that Ted can go screw himself?
- Mm, we're not prepared to address...

Don't talk. This isn't about us.

Look... I think it's gonna be impossible

for us to co-lead these meetings.

Can't take a little heat,
like your precious polar bears?

- Wait. How did I get on the crazy side of climate change?
- There she is.

Linda, you remember my boss Chet?

You better watch out for this one, Ted.

She could be the new Ted,
a super sweet-smelling Ted.

Oh, that's just my bulbs, sir.

Hey-o! Very funny, Chet.

You tiptoed right up to the
line but didn't cross it.

Yeah. Oh, she's a sharp
one. Watch your back, stud.

Hey! Once again, sir,
right up to the line.

This project is going to be great.

I hope so, sir.

What do you mean, you hope so?

Nothing. I... I just
hope everything goes well.

Why wouldn't it? Is
there a problem, Veronica?

Not at all. It's a home run.

Linda was just doing a funny
character she's been working on.

It's a product tester
whose lack of confidence

traps her in a sad cuble
where she dies old and alone

- without ever owning a decent purse.
- Well, as long as she never does it again,

I don't see the harm.

There's a meeting on your project

tomorrow night with
the department heads.

If you want to be in the
game, you're gonna have to show

a lot more confidence than you just did.

I love that one. I hate that one,

- and bring me chicken for lunch.
- What were those?

I have no idea, but did
you see how confident I was?

So confident, I'm getting chicken.

Now you try it.

- What do I tell him to do?
- It doesn't matter. Just make sure he does it.

Lose the tie, hippie.

What? What's wrong with my tie?

Are you questioning me? Oh, that's rich.

I said lose it!

And bring me a chicken.

Very nicely done.

Today, we feast on chicken,

although you may be getting a live one.

Why are you looking up
my mother's Facebook page?

I'm going to find her, seduce her,

and make sensitive yet
vigorous love to her.

Well, that's the one
thing we haven't tried

to get her out of the coma.

Maybe I could save you
three very weird minutes.

- Things between your mother and I have hit a rough patch.
- Oh, no.

What do I do with that world's
greatest stepdad coffee mug

I got for you?

Guess I have to take it
back to the sarcasm store.

It's just, Stella is so intelligent,

I'm starting to feel
like an idiot around her.

I know what you mean.
She's always reminding me

that while she's unlocking
the secrets of the universe,

I'm trying to design a toaster
that can handle a pizza bagel.

That would be a boon to
both jews and Italians.

You're a very good scientist, Lem.

- You shouldn't feel inferior to your mother.
- Well, neither should you.

Your breakthroughs in weapons technology

have made warfare
exponentially more horrifying.

Well, I don't know about that.

It takes a village to kill a village.

I wonder, if only there were a way

to show your mother we're
intellectually worthy of her.

Well, I'm out of ideas.

I helped put a satellite
into orbit when I was 11,

but it wasn't "geosynchronous,"

so she wouldn't even look up
when it went over our house.

We're both smart. Maybe
if we work together,

we could do something to impress her...

like a bagel toaster
that tracks down enemies

and burns them evenly on both sides.

- No, not that.
- Or something she would appreciate...

something theoretical,

- with no practical application whatever.
- Yes!

Just to be clear, it
has to be science, right?

Not just a great dance
move or something?

Come on. One great idea.

Lightbulbs that... taste good.

No, that sucks! I suck.

No wonder the company's gone off me.

So "suck" is okay to say now?

'Cause I have some
thoughts about the lunch

- you packed me today.
- I'm sorry, honey. I'm just a little frustrated.

I'm trying to figure out something

the company would really appreciate.

Well, why don't you just ask
the company what it wants?

I always like it on my
birthday when you ask me

- what I want.
- Well, the company doesn't know what it...

Stella Clifton.

That's it. That's what they want.
I'll get them Stella Clifton.

Mwah! Thank you, honey.

If you think about it,

it's not hard to figure
out what people want,

especial if they tell
you over and over again.

We're not getting
motorcyc with a sidecar.

- It's just not practical.
- We'll see.

What's 4 plus 8?

I don't know. A triangle?

I'm very tired.

What is all this?

We've been up all night trying
to earn my mother's respect

by solving Clifton's
unfinished equation,

which, as the name implies,
she's been unable to finish.

Lem, you shouldn't have to
prove anything to your mom.

You're great, and if she can't see that,

then she is an insensitive idiot

who happens to be hot and sexy. Phil!

I am still a man.

- Are you ready for the meeting?
- We have to cancel.

Ted's disappeared, and I just found out,

if you leave the scented bulbs on for
three days, it smells like rotting meat.

Linda, listen to yourself.
Those are just facts,

and facts are just opinions,
and opinions can be wrong.

The only thing that is
never wrong is confidence.

But... no buts. I
brought this upstairs,

and your failure will be my failure.

You can do this. I know you can.

Now get in there and run that meeting

like a shark driving an assault vehicle

through a herd of seals
wearing chum pants.

I'll do it.

And so with aromas ranging from
zucchini bread to fresh laundry,

the scented lightbulb has zero downside.

I heard that after a couple of days,

the bulb stinks like rotting meat.

Then you, sir,

are the stupidest man who's ever lived.

What?

What?

I'm an executive who says,
"what?" What are you, 2?

You're the one who
smells like rotting meat.

- Finish him.
- Oh, my God. You're jealous of the lightbulb.

That's what this is about.
You hate light and smell.

What in the name of God
did your paren do to you?

Saunders, take your
weird, emotional issues

and get out.

Sorry.

No weakness.

Anyone else hear any stupid rumors

about my lightbulb?

Come on, bring it.

So I took Stella Clifton to dinner

to convince her to come work Veridian.

And I brought Phil along in case the
conversation got all science-y on me.

If you join the Veridian team,

you would have access to
unmatched scientific resources,

from hydro-perlation
nongravitational calibrators

to executives who only know
the name of one cool thing

but will stay out of your way.

I've always felt that when
science is seduced by commerce,

scientists become
intellectual prostitutes...

mind sluts, brain whores.

Well, we don't have to pay you.

Uh, so, Phil, you've
been a little quiet.

Why don't you tell Dr.
Clifton what you like

about working at Veridian?

Ahh.

You're a bitch.

And there's a gym, which
has a little juice bar.

Who needs to exercise at a gym

when you've got your
son's ego to beat up on?

Phillip myman, if I am
a little hard on lem,

it's because I'm helping
him by pointing out

- potential areas for improvement.
- When Ted asked me to come tonight,

I agreed for one reason...

to tell you that your son is a great guy

and a brilliant scientist,
and if you don't want him

to go through life feeling
like crap about himself,

- you should tell him you're proud of him once in a while.
- Okay, this is my fault.

- I should not have let Phil have
his own grown-up drink. - And you.

You're so desperate to score
points with the company,

you're trying to hire
this hot, sexy woman

even though you ow it would destroy lem.

Yes, I think you're sexy.

Yes, I don't have a
lot of grown-up drinks,

and, yes, I wish I had a third yes.

And, yes, I don't.

Hey.

Ted. What a surprise.

You missed a good meeting today.

I lied in a loud voice
and then crushed the spirit

the only honest man in the room.

Listen...

I want to help you with your lightbulb,

and mean really help you this time,
not get all pissy and competitive.

Why? Linda wonders suspiciously.

'Cause I realized tonight that
chasing the company's approval

has turned me into a childish,
approval-chasing butt-head.

Those were Phil's words
when I drove him home.

He also accused me of
being blurry and spinny.

Well, I haven't behaved
perfectly either,

- Linda says contritely.
- Why are you talking like that?

Because it makes it easier
for me to say I'm sorry.

Even though I have mostly
contempt for the company,

it still felt nice when
they patted me on the head.

And that made me act all gloaty,

Linda explained explanatorily.

Well, it's okay,

Ted said, using his mouth.

I'm glad we don't talk like
this all the time, he added.

That can't be a 7, or
the sky would be green.

Mom. What brings you to
the place where, as you say,

"science bends over
and grabs its ankles"?

I just wanted to see
what my son was up to.

Why are you wasting your
time working on my stuff?

Why don't you show me
what you're working on?

- Because you're gonna think it's stupid.
- I won't.

Popcorn that pops from
the heat in your mouth.

Huh.

It's pretty cool, actually.

I think I put too much in.

- Can I try one?
- Are you sure?

It's fresh from the crap factory.

I like it.

Really?

I'm sorry I never looked
up at your satellite.

It's okay. It's coming
around again in 2015.

It's a date. You bring the popcorn.

Crocodiles!

Oh! I was having a dream.

The only thing I remember was
a curious lack of crocodiles,

and so I began to call out for them.

Oh. Stella.

Look at the boards.

See how smart I am? I taped
three of them together.

Who cares if you're smart?
You're great in the sack.

Really?

Eventually, working together,

Linda and I found a solution
to her stinking bulb problem.

I just wanted to say
thanks for mentoring me,

but I can't keep faking
the crazy-confident thing.

It's making me more
crazy than confident.

That's fine, Linda.

You are weak and so will
never be a threat to me.

- That's perhaps your greatest quality.
- And I realized that whether it's a giant,

multinational company
or your own mother,

you should never chase
someone else's approval.

Hey, Ted, I heard you pitched
in on the lightbulb. Nice work.

Really? You think so?
God, that felt good.

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