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At Veridian Dynamics, scientific
research is second to none.
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Unfortunately, it seems sometimes that research
is conducted on the people who work here.
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What's all this?
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00:00:14,445 --> 00:00:16,819
The company posted a
list of single employees
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00:00:16,821 --> 00:00:19,654
they think should date each other
based on genetic compatibilty.
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Yep, that sounds about right.
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Wheee... love is in the air.
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Oh, gee. Genetic engineering is romantic
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That's why it's so often
used as a prom theme.
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They're only helping
hook up the single people.
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Once again, the marrieds
don't get to date.
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We just have to go home to
our cold, not-empty beds.
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00:00:37,485 --> 00:00:39,753
Phil, just because they
used the word "wheee"
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doesn't mean it's a good thing.
Remember "wheee! It's pension rollbacks"?
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00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:45,559
Oh, actually that was fun...
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Until they rolled back our pensions.
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So, Veronica, the company wants
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genetically compatible
employees to pair up?
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Is this the first step
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in trying to breed somebody tall enough
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00:00:55,770 --> 00:00:57,838
to change that lightbulb in the lobby?
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00:00:57,839 --> 00:01:00,107
Why do you always think
there's some dark motive
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00:01:00,108 --> 00:01:02,610
behind everything the company does?
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00:01:02,611 --> 00:01:05,045
Did a corporation once
touch you in a place
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- that made you uncomfortable?
- When they rolled back my pension,
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- I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
- Okay, fine. This whole thing is about money.
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00:01:10,452 --> 00:01:13,520
- Happy now, Mr. Cynical?
- Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy.
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It's his power and his curse.
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The company has thousands of employees,
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and every year, hundreds
get married and have babies.
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If Veridian can ensure
the breeding couple
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is genetically compatible,
the company will save
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a huge amount of money on
health care for their offspring.
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So to save money, the
company's getting involved
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in people's sex lives?
They may regret that,
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00:01:32,173 --> 00:01:34,441
like when they tried to
replace food in the cafeteria
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- with those nutrition pellets.
- Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate.
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Anything that starts
with the word "wheee"
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is just a fun suggestion...
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00:01:41,316 --> 00:01:43,517
like the constitution
and "wheee" the people.
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This sucks. Having my
name on that dating board
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is like announcing to the whole
floor, "ooh, look at Linda.
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What a loser. She's
so single and alonely."
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- Alone. Not lonely. I'm fine.
- I know. The whole thing is crazy.
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Who does the company think it is,
telling us who to boff? This is America.
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We fought the British over our right
to boff. They wanted us to shag.
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00:02:04,539 --> 00:02:06,140
Ugh, I'm not even gonna
look at that stupid list.
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00:02:06,141 --> 00:02:09,076
- Good. Me neither.
- They don't think we're compatible.
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00:02:09,077 --> 00:02:11,945
- I know. I saw that.
- The thing is, if I don't do it,
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everyone else is gonna hook up,
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- and then I'll look alonely again. I'm fine.
- Well, I'm not doing it.
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So we both won't do it.
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00:02:18,387 --> 00:02:20,187
- Good. It's a deal.
- They can take our loneliness
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when they pry it from
our cold, sad hands.
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Is that the super-fast-growing
moss for the NASA project?
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00:02:33,001 --> 00:02:35,636
Yes. I left the lid off
the containment vessel,
57
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and it spread everywhere. We'd
better make it less aggressive.
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00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,441
It's supposed to feed astronauts,
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not feed on astronauts.
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I've been called up to
Veronica's office so I can listen
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00:02:44,079 --> 00:02:46,814
to her yell at me about
violating containment procedures.
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Hey, the company sent me an e-mail
about the genetic matchmaking.
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Looks like they didn't forget
the married people after all.
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"Congratulations, Dr.
Myman. Based on your DNA,
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the company is offering you a free..."
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double clicking... "Vasectomy"?
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- Why doesn't the company want me to reproduce?
- Sorry, Phil,
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00:03:04,833 --> 00:03:07,334
I can't think about your
reproductive system right now.
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I have to go see Veronica,
and my own reproductive system
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has retreated like a turtle's
head up into my abdomen.
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Oh.
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- You wanted to see me?
- Yes, Lem, I want to talk to you about your sperm.
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I... I'm sorry. It got out
of its containment vessel,
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and it's extremely aggressive.
Wait. Did you say my...
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Sperm, yes. I want to freeze yours.
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It turns out you and I are the two
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most genetically compatible
people in the entire company.
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00:03:33,695 --> 00:03:36,497
And while right now I'm neither
interested in raising a child
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nor in playing landlord for nine
months to a parasitic organism,
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I just want to keep my options open.
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00:03:41,836 --> 00:03:44,104
You want to have my baby?
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00:03:44,105 --> 00:03:46,774
Well, using your DNA
would only be my plan "e,"
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behind fall in love and breed, clone,
84
00:03:49,377 --> 00:03:51,278
take one of my sister's kids
85
00:03:51,279 --> 00:03:53,747
or rip out the whole works
and sail around the world.
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00:03:53,748 --> 00:03:56,383
Well, you would look good on the deck of
the right ship... tanned, wind in your hair,
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- no ovaries.
- You have outstanding genes, Lem,
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too good for a gal to pass up.
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00:04:01,356 --> 00:04:03,290
Your mother is a world-class scientist.
90
00:04:03,291 --> 00:04:06,193
Your father was the
first male supermodel.
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00:04:06,194 --> 00:04:09,563
- I did my research.
- Boy, this is a lot to take in.
92
00:04:09,564 --> 00:04:11,165
- Excellent. Then it's settled.
- What?
93
00:04:11,166 --> 00:04:13,534
There's a man waiting for you with a cup
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00:04:13,535 --> 00:04:15,869
on the eighth floor to take your sample.
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00:04:15,870 --> 00:04:17,838
Just make sure it's the right man.
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00:04:21,743 --> 00:04:25,112
Ugh. I know I sound
like a stand-up comic,
97
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but don't you hate it when someone
puts half a yogurt back in the fridge?
98
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:30,784
Yes, and what is the
deal with airline food?
99
00:04:30,785 --> 00:04:33,187
- Why don't they serve it anymore?
- Hi, I'm Danielle.
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The company feels very strongly
that we should, "wheee..."
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- have unprotected sex with each other.
- Oh, you're that Danielle.
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You're... you're on
my compatibility list.
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00:04:41,796 --> 00:04:44,731
- Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.
- I know. It's ridiculous.
104
00:04:44,732 --> 00:04:47,267
I mean, just because your
DNA matches mine doesn't mean
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00:04:47,268 --> 00:04:49,870
you're gonna like pink's chili
dogs or that your favorite movie
106
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- is "Caddyshack."
- I swear I'm not hitting on you,
107
00:04:51,906 --> 00:04:54,408
but my favorite movie is "Caddyshack,"
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and if pink's chili dogs were
on the list, I would date them.
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00:04:56,845 --> 00:05:00,347
- But, uh, the list is stupid, right?
- Oh, absolutely.
110
00:05:00,348 --> 00:05:03,250
So we definitely should not
do what it says and date.
111
00:05:03,251 --> 00:05:05,185
Yeah, although my cousin is stupid,
112
00:05:05,186 --> 00:05:07,921
and he once had a good suggestion.
113
00:05:07,922 --> 00:05:10,724
Excuse me. Are you Linda?
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00:05:10,725 --> 00:05:13,026
- Yes.
- Okay, I'm Greg.
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- Uh, you're number one on my compatibility list.
- Oh, damn it.
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What?
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00:05:17,599 --> 00:05:19,867
You're good-looking.
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00:05:19,868 --> 00:05:22,102
Yeah, it bums me out,
too. Thanks a lot, God.
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00:05:22,103 --> 00:05:25,172
No, it's just, I'm not
dating off that stupid list.
120
00:05:25,173 --> 00:05:27,107
A friend and I made a deal not to.
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We can't let the company
breed us like golden retrievers
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or we'll all end up with
weak hips and kennel cough.
123
00:05:32,380 --> 00:05:34,314
Yeah. I didn't want to do it either,
124
00:05:34,315 --> 00:05:36,483
but then I saw you,
and next thing I knew,
125
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I'm standing here wanting
to get to know you.
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00:05:39,287 --> 00:05:41,188
Oh, crap. You're charming, too.
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Just get out.
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00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,695
Ted, we need your help.
129
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:51,131
- Guys, I'm in the middle of...
- Veronica's demanding my sperm.
130
00:05:51,132 --> 00:05:53,400
And the company wants to turn
my testicles into twin hermits
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with no conduit to the outside world.
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This is out of my area of expertise,
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so I will just see you later tonight.
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00:06:00,341 --> 00:06:02,376
That's nice work, fellas.
135
00:06:02,377 --> 00:06:04,344
You know, that's why it wasn't called
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00:06:04,345 --> 00:06:06,713
"Romeo and Juliet and Lem and Phil."
137
00:06:06,714 --> 00:06:09,917
- So what is going on?
- Me first. Veronica and I are a perfect genetic match,
138
00:06:09,918 --> 00:06:11,919
so she wants to bank my DNA
139
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,954
but I don't want to have children.
140
00:06:13,955 --> 00:06:14,851
- I'm a dangerous bad boy.
- No, you're not.
141
00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:16,289
Shut up, Phil. It's not your turn yet.
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00:06:16,290 --> 00:06:18,984
Plus, I don't want Veronica to
be the mother of my children.
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I might like my children, and she's the
least maternal person I have ever known.
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00:06:22,864 --> 00:06:25,821
So Lem needs you to talk to
Veronica and tell her to back off
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- because he is a coward. Whew. Now me.
- Phil wants you to find out why the company
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doesn't want any more
Phils in the world.
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Oh, and he's also a coward. I tried to
get my medical records from the company,
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but they say they're confidential
149
00:06:36,844 --> 00:06:38,779
and can only be released to
other insurance companies,
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00:06:38,780 --> 00:06:41,315
pharmaceutical reps,
suppliers of medical equipment
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00:06:41,316 --> 00:06:43,250
and for some reason, the R.N.C.
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Okay, guys, relax. I
will take care of it.
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I will talk to Veronica. I will
get you your medical records.
154
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And then tonight, I will
rescue a young, beautiful lady
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from a Tedless existence.
Now back to work.
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00:06:56,564 --> 00:06:59,199
This is why we draw pictures
of him as a superhero.
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00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:02,336
He must never know about aqua-Ted.
158
00:07:02,337 --> 00:07:05,939
I did it. I stuck to our
pact, and I stood on principle.
159
00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,908
It was really hard, but I turned down
160
00:07:07,909 --> 00:07:09,977
this really good-looking,
charming guy who...
161
00:07:09,978 --> 00:07:12,179
Why are you backing away from me?
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00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:14,648
What did you do, cri?
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00:07:14,649 --> 00:07:16,650
You son of a bitch!
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Get out of my way.
Excuse me. Move, please.
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Move!
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00:07:21,522 --> 00:07:24,825
Hi, Greg. Does tonight work for you?
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Lem.
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00:07:32,690 --> 00:07:35,258
Oh! I've just gotta...
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00:07:40,064 --> 00:07:42,799
Ted tells me you don't
want me to have your baby,
170
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,734
and I shouldn't talk to you about it
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because it will make you uncomfortable.
172
00:07:46,603 --> 00:07:49,472
- Is that true?
- No, you never make me uncomfortable.
173
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Why would he say that?
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00:07:51,241 --> 00:07:53,743
"I'm dying to do it" is
what he should have said.
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00:07:53,744 --> 00:07:55,778
Good. Then get up to the eighth floor
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00:07:57,381 --> 00:08:00,149
oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on
177
00:08:00,150 --> 00:08:02,251
with the edible moss project?
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00:08:02,252 --> 00:08:05,521
- Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
- Please.
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00:08:05,522 --> 00:08:08,091
I'm not interested in all the
little details of your life.
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00:08:08,092 --> 00:08:09,959
The NASA guys are coming tomorrow.
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00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,829
- Just make sure I have something to show them.
- Yeah.
182
00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:14,797
Then I came to Veridian four years ago.
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00:08:14,798 --> 00:08:16,232
I like the people,
184
00:08:16,233 --> 00:08:18,167
but sometimes the company makes me feel
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so small and... and unimportant.
186
00:08:20,604 --> 00:08:22,939
Oh, man. I can totally relate to that.
187
00:08:22,940 --> 00:08:25,508
I used to steal creamer
out of the coffee room.
188
00:08:25,509 --> 00:08:28,378
I didn't even use it. I just
wanted to stand for myself
189
00:08:28,379 --> 00:08:31,247
and say hey, I'm here. You
don't control everything I do.
190
00:08:31,248 --> 00:08:33,850
That is awesome. I totally get that.
191
00:08:33,851 --> 00:08:37,253
- I have my own little way of acting out.
- Really?
192
00:08:37,254 --> 00:08:39,756
- Yeah.
- What is it?
193
00:08:39,757 --> 00:08:42,759
- No, you're gonna think it's strange.
- Oh, come on. I told you my thing.
194
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,328
All right. Uh, twice a week after work,
195
00:08:45,329 --> 00:08:47,330
I put on a totally
realistic bear costume
196
00:08:47,331 --> 00:08:50,266
and hang out in the park.
197
00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:51,968
You what now?
198
00:08:51,969 --> 00:08:54,237
Yeah, it makes me feel powerful, mighty.
199
00:08:54,238 --> 00:08:55,972
I don't scare anyone.
200
00:08:55,973 --> 00:08:59,008
I sit in the bushes,
root around for berries.
201
00:08:59,009 --> 00:09:01,277
Ce I pushed on a camper...
202
00:09:01,278 --> 00:09:03,513
you know, just bear kind of stuff.
203
00:09:05,516 --> 00:09:08,117
I think that's great.
204
00:09:12,022 --> 00:09:14,390
My date with Danielle was fantastic...
205
00:09:14,391 --> 00:09:17,293
really fantastic, right up until...
206
00:09:17,294 --> 00:09:19,328
I love you.
207
00:09:19,329 --> 00:09:21,397
- I just blurted it out.
- Good God.
208
00:09:21,398 --> 00:09:24,300
You told a woman you loved
her on the first date?
209
00:09:24,301 --> 00:09:27,837
- That is so needy.
- I know. In the blink of an eye, I went from sexy to psychopath.
210
00:09:27,838 --> 00:09:30,273
It's just, I hadn't been
with a woman in a while.
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00:09:30,274 --> 00:09:32,642
It was something I
used to say to my wife.
212
00:09:32,643 --> 00:09:34,477
You should always limit
what you say during sex
213
00:09:34,478 --> 00:09:36,112
to moaning and helpful tips.
214
00:09:36,113 --> 00:09:38,948
So did she say "I love you" back,
215
00:09:38,949 --> 00:09:41,417
- or were you the only crazy one in the bed?
- No, it was just me.
216
00:09:41,418 --> 00:09:45,221
But I covered for it, although
I don't know if I made it better.
217
00:09:48,058 --> 00:09:52,395
I love you... tah.
218
00:09:52,396 --> 00:09:53,930
You love Utah?
219
00:09:53,931 --> 00:09:56,365
Very much.
220
00:09:56,366 --> 00:10:00,670
Why would you say you love
Utah at this particular moment?
221
00:10:00,671 --> 00:10:02,572
It's... it's just, uh,
222
00:10:02,573 --> 00:10:05,374
Utah, it's a very
spiritual place for me.
223
00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:08,544
I go there in my head sometimes
during special moments...
224
00:10:08,545 --> 00:10:12,682
Sex, birth of my child. I've
even yelled it at ball games.
225
00:10:12,683 --> 00:10:15,318
Oh. Uh... Why Utah?
226
00:10:15,319 --> 00:10:19,188
Because... I'm from there.
227
00:10:19,189 --> 00:10:21,290
You are?
228
00:10:21,291 --> 00:10:24,460
Most of my family is from Utah.
229
00:10:24,461 --> 00:10:26,562
Yeah. Salt Lake City.
Where are you from?
230
00:10:26,563 --> 00:10:28,664
Not Salt Lake City.
231
00:10:28,665 --> 00:10:31,400
I'm from...
232
00:10:31,401 --> 00:10:34,136
I don't remember the name.
233
00:10:34,137 --> 00:10:37,006
You don't remember the
name of where you're from?
234
00:10:37,007 --> 00:10:39,609
Not the English name.
235
00:10:39,610 --> 00:10:41,844
What other name is there?
236
00:10:43,847 --> 00:10:46,048
The Indian name.
237
00:10:59,162 --> 00:11:02,598
- She used up the good one.
- Provo, Park City, Moab, Castleville, Cedar City...
238
00:11:02,599 --> 00:11:04,567
Yeah, it's easy to play "Jeopardy!"
239
00:11:04,568 --> 00:11:06,769
When you're at home in your living
room with all your clothes on.
240
00:11:06,770 --> 00:11:10,239
Ogden, Fruit Heights,
Ggoshen, Mayfield, Lewiston...
241
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,475
- All right, I get it. You know Utah.
- You mean the beehive state?
242
00:11:12,476 --> 00:11:15,111
Anyway, once I started lying,
there was no going back.
243
00:11:15,112 --> 00:11:18,080
Before I knew it, I had
made up this whole story
244
00:11:18,081 --> 00:11:20,950
about my childhood growing
up on an Indian reservation.
245
00:11:20,951 --> 00:11:22,752
Oh, Ted.
246
00:11:22,753 --> 00:11:25,955
Wow, your grandfather sounds
like such a proud man...
247
00:11:25,956 --> 00:11:28,591
Trying to keep your culture alive.
248
00:11:28,592 --> 00:11:31,027
Hey, hey, what's your
word for grandfather?
249
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:39,335
that means "goat,"
250
00:11:39,336 --> 00:11:42,505
which is why we no longer eat goat.
251
00:11:43,373 --> 00:11:45,441
What am I doing?
252
00:11:45,442 --> 00:11:48,110
The thing is, I want
to keep seeing Danielle.
253
00:11:48,111 --> 00:11:50,580
- I really like her.
- What's not to like?
254
00:11:50,581 --> 00:11:52,915
She's gullible and slept
with you on the first date.
255
00:11:52,916 --> 00:11:55,918
If her mom's not fat, I'd
say throw a ring on it.
256
00:11:55,919 --> 00:11:57,887
I'm gonna tell her the truth, but first,
257
00:11:57,888 --> 00:12:00,890
I need to spend time with her,
you know, just... just being me.
258
00:12:00,891 --> 00:12:02,725
Then when I come clean, this will all be
259
00:12:02,726 --> 00:12:05,361
- just that funny story about our first date.
- Yes, Ted, maybe yours
260
00:12:05,362 --> 00:12:07,363
will be the one Indian
story that ends haily.
261
00:12:07,364 --> 00:12:09,832
Listen, I still ven't
seen any edible moss,
262
00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:11,934
and NASA's coming this afternoon.
263
00:12:11,935 --> 00:12:13,903
Go light a fire under your nerds.
264
00:12:13,904 --> 00:12:15,705
I don't know where they are,
265
00:12:15,706 --> 00:12:18,608
but I'm sure you're
an excellent tracker.
266
00:12:21,778 --> 00:12:24,046
Hey, Ted-edict Arnold.
267
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:26,082
How did your date go with Danielle?
268
00:12:26,083 --> 00:12:28,618
- Good. Really well.
- Oh, just really well?
269
00:12:30,087 --> 00:12:33,489
My date with Greg went
really, really well, so...
270
00:12:33,490 --> 00:12:36,592
- Ted.
- Danielle. Hey, you want to maybe grab some lunch later?
271
00:12:36,593 --> 00:12:38,894
Yeah, that sounds great.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
272
00:12:38,895 --> 00:12:43,032
- How do you say "lunch" in your language?
- Oh, that doesn't have to be our thing, does it?
273
00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:45,101
Oh, come on. It's such
a beautiful language.
274
00:12:45,102 --> 00:12:48,437
It's, um,
gin-yi-ay-
275
00:12:57,581 --> 00:13:00,683
You have your own language?
276
00:13:00,684 --> 00:13:04,086
It's not mine. I share
it with my people.
277
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:05,821
And you have a people.
278
00:13:05,822 --> 00:13:08,124
She thinks I'm an Indian.
279
00:13:08,125 --> 00:13:09,959
Oh, goodness.
280
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,095
Hey, Linda.
281
00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:14,263
Hey.
282
00:13:14,264 --> 00:13:17,433
I had a really, really
good time last night.
283
00:13:17,434 --> 00:13:20,770
Me, too. I told you so. Uh, this is Ted.
284
00:13:20,771 --> 00:13:22,805
He likes to pretend he's an Indian.
285
00:13:22,806 --> 00:13:24,974
Oh, cool. You ever pretend to stalk
286
00:13:24,975 --> 00:13:26,976
totally realistic-looking
large animals?
287
00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:30,746
That's funny. You're adorable.
288
00:13:30,747 --> 00:13:33,115
Yeah? Then why don't
we go out again tonight?
289
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,017
Okay.
290
00:13:37,821 --> 00:13:41,190
Ooh, maybe we can go to the park.
291
00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:48,360
Phil, I'm having a bad day.
292
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:51,029
Tell me you're almost done
with the edible moss project.
293
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:53,765
Sorry, Ted. I am actively
disappointing you.
294
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,768
I'm researching my family
tree to find out why Veridian
295
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,004
doesn't want any more
Mymans in the world.
296
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,907
Oh, yeah, that. I tried to
get your medical records,
297
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:04,409
- and the company won't release 'em.
- I have my answer anyway.
298
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:07,946
Turns out the entire Myman
family line is worthless.
299
00:14:07,947 --> 00:14:10,749
We have been hated throughout history.
300
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,185
The English hunted Mymans for sport.
301
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,220
The French used us
as building materials.
302
00:14:15,221 --> 00:14:17,990
The Russians had an expression...
303
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,993
- "as useless as a stack of Mymans."
- Well, what about this medieval sect of warriors?
304
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,495
"The screaming Mymans"...
that sound promising.
305
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:25,464
They weren't warriors.
306
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,233
The crusaders launched my
ancestors over castle walls
307
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:31,069
- as ammunition.
- Oh, good, you're here.
308
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:33,805
I need you to tell Veronica
that I don't want to give her
309
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,774
- my baby ingredients.
- I already did.
310
00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:38,210
But then I untold her. I'm so weak.
311
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,779
How can I ever look my sperm in the eye?
312
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,382
At least you didn't lie to your
sperm about being an Indian.
313
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,285
No, I did not. But once
when I was a teenager,
314
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,587
I did abandon it at a bus stop.
315
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,825
We have a scientist problem.
316
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:57,362
God. I can't wait until they
invent their own replacents.
317
00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:59,464
Phil is freaking out. He needs
to see his medical records.
318
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:02,401
Yeah, I noticed he was
acting a little odd earlier.
319
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,442
Did you know that "turd"
320
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:13,211
comes from the Gaelic word for Myman?
321
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:16,448
Shh. I love this song.
322
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:20,285
And you gotta back off Lem.
323
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:23,155
What's going on with you
and this baby thing, anyway?
324
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:27,059
I don't know. My stupid sister
just popped out another one.
325
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,328
And I held it, and it
smelled really good.
326
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,730
It was soft and squishy,
and for the briefest second,
327
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:33,765
I didn't want to give it back.
328
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,233
Part of that was because
329
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:37,569
I don't like my sister
having things I don't have.
330
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:41,139
But part of it was something else.
331
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:44,276
Well, if that's what you want,
it'll happen for you someday.
332
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,578
But right now, if you want Lem's moss,
333
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:49,915
you gotta back off his sauce.
334
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:52,284
Hey, Danielle. You ready for lunch?
335
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,653
We could go to pink's,
grab some chili dogs.
336
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:57,889
- This tie is ready for retirement.
- And I hate this dress. Let's do it.
337
00:15:57,890 --> 00:16:01,960
Hey, Ted. Do you know if that'
a fresh pot of aw-kay-how?
338
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:05,664
Hi, I'm Linda. Ted's an Indian.
That's his word for coffee.
339
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,666
He taught me his language.
340
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,634
Lakota wa-glacka
oh-oosby wack-a-toonia.
341
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,104
I just asked him what
he's doing is weekend.
342
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:16,608
And he says, in his language...
343
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:20,512
Wigloka netu-aken. Ley wah.
344
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,214
Eh caso kah.
345
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,750
Pilo-Maya.
346
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,719
Really? Tennis again? I'm
sorry, I interrupted you.
347
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,855
Please finish what you were saying.
348
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,723
He-ah.
349
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:34,059
Danielle's?
350
00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:36,028
He-ah?
351
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,463
No, they look totally real to me.
352
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:44,870
- Were you two just talking about my...
- No! No, no.
353
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,072
See, the thing is, um, in my language,
354
00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:51,410
the word for tennis
ball is the same as...
355
00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,712
Ah, screw it. I'm not an Indian.
356
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,680
I... I lied about the whole thing.
357
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,616
Wait. W... what? You lied?
358
00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:00,152
Why... why would you do that?
359
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,088
Because I accidentally said
"I love you" on our first date
360
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:05,257
I... I didn't want you
to think I was needy.
361
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:08,026
It... it just slipped out.
But if you think about it,
362
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,462
it's about the sweetest
thing a guy can say.
363
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,632
I mean, isn't that why
we're all here... love?
364
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:16,835
Wait, wait, stop. The
headline here is you lied.
365
00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,703
Yeah.
366
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:21,206
Plus, now I feel like
an idiot for believing
367
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:25,677
anyone's word for horse
could be "climpe-clompety."
368
00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:32,350
I'm sorry. I love you!
Aah! What is wrong with me?
369
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:39,458
Hello. I'm Philip Myman.
370
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,493
I'm here for my free vasectomy.
371
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:45,030
I believe I am also entitled
to a complimentary windbreaker.
372
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:47,666
We're out of windbreakers.
Would you like a spos bottle?
373
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:51,837
No, I got the sports bottle
when they rolled back my pension.
374
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,772
Phil, this is crazy.
375
00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:56,675
Just because Veronica tells
you to get your ass up here
376
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,977
doesn't mean you have
to go through with this.
377
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:01,913
She can't have your things,
and she can't take my stuff.
378
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:05,250
She would make a horrible
mom, and when she gets here,
379
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,686
I'm going to tell her... I'm ready.
380
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,088
- Relax. I talked to Ted. You're off the hook.
- Ted's a liar.
381
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,290
Let's just get this surgery over with.
382
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:15,861
- Then maybe you'll take me out and buy me a smoothie.
- We're not here for surgery.
383
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:18,563
I need to see Phil
Myman's medical records.
384
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:21,199
Oh, good. You have them
out. Give them to me.
385
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:25,871
- I'm sorry, ma'am. These records are strictly confidential.
- This is my scientist,
386
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:28,240
and you are making him very unhappy.
387
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,041
And I can't have him unhappy.
388
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:32,144
So you give me that file,
389
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:34,880
because if I have to come
back there and get it myself,
390
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,815
then you're gonna be
unhappy. Do you understand?
391
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,583
Ma'am, I can't.
392
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:40,452
Excellent. I was hoping you'd say that,
393
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:44,489
because I haven't gone
balls-out crazy in a long time,
394
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:49,728
- and it's my favorite kind of crazy.
-Wow. Look how fierce and protective she is.
395
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,997
This must be how a baby lion feels
396
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,132
when its mom yells at a receptionist
397
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,535
to get its medical records.
398
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:59,304
So now it looks like we
have ourselves a race.
399
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:02,240
Can you lock that door
before I can get through it?
400
00:19:02,241 --> 00:19:05,143
You feeling lucky? Huh, receptionist?
401
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,686
Run! I'm all bluff.
402
00:17:51,298 --> 00:17:54,000
So, for a pure clean, all
free clear is all you need.
403
00:19:15,949 --> 00:19:16,215
Recommended by dermatologists...
404
00:19:17,451 --> 00:19:19,318
Seeing Veronica ing
so protective of Phil
405
00:19:19,386 --> 00:19:21,487
made Lem realize she did
have maternal instincts,
406
00:19:21,555 --> 00:19:24,657
and that would make her a great mom.
407
00:19:24,725 --> 00:19:27,660
Veronica, here's a cup of
my sperm. You've earned it.
408
00:19:27,728 --> 00:19:30,563
Lem, you remember the guys from NASA?
409
00:19:33,033 --> 00:19:35,101
Gentlemen.
410
00:19:38,071 --> 00:19:40,473
And after looking at
his medical records,
411
00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:42,808
Phil was relieved to
find out the real reason
412
00:19:42,876 --> 00:19:45,011
the company didn't
want him to reproduce.
413
00:19:45,078 --> 00:19:46,979
My sperm count is off the charts!
414
00:19:47,047 --> 00:19:49,649
I'm so prolific, the
amount of kids I could have
415
00:19:49,716 --> 00:19:52,118
would cost them a
fortune in health care.
416
00:19:52,185 --> 00:19:54,086
The Mymans weren't useless.
They were just plentiful.
417
00:19:54,154 --> 00:19:58,691
Your people are like the edible
space moss of the human race.
418
00:19:58,759 --> 00:20:01,193
And I realized, I haven't
been with a lot of women
419
00:20:01,261 --> 00:20:03,429
since my wife, so maybe
I am a little needy,
420
00:20:03,497 --> 00:20:05,331
and I need to get out
more... a lot more,
421
00:20:05,399 --> 00:20:07,700
and learn about Utah, just in case.
422
00:20:07,768 --> 00:20:10,970
Hey, Ted. Pilo-Maya.
423
00:20:11,038 --> 00:20:13,339
That means I'm sorry I
messed things up for you
424
00:20:13,407 --> 00:20:15,408
with Danielle,
425
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:18,010
but I was pissed you dated
someone from that stupid list
426
00:20:18,078 --> 00:20:19,912
when we had a deal we wouldn't.
427
00:20:19,980 --> 00:20:22,148
But ruining your love life
was a douchey thing to do.
428
00:20:22,215 --> 00:20:24,150
Pilo-Maya... a simple
word for a complex idea.
429
00:20:24,217 --> 00:20:26,819
Oh, that's okay. Hey, I'm
the one who lied to Danielle.
430
00:20:26,887 --> 00:20:28,821
But at least you got something promising
431
00:20:28,889 --> 00:20:31,090
- going with that Greg guy.
- Yeah, about that.
432
00:20:31,158 --> 00:20:33,125
Last night animal control shot him
433
00:20:33,193 --> 00:20:35,494
- with a tranquilizer in the park.
- What?
434
00:20:35,562 --> 00:20:37,730
Yeah, he was kind of dressed as a bear
435
00:20:37,798 --> 00:20:40,833
and pushing on a van
with some teenagers in it.
436
00:20:40,901 --> 00:20:43,269
Who would have guessed
it would be a bad idea
437
00:20:43,336 --> 00:20:45,404
to let a giant corporation's
financial agenda
438
00:20:45,472 --> 00:20:48,174
- dictate who we date?
- Yeah, well, I guess you and Danielle
439
00:20:48,241 --> 00:20:50,476
sure learned that lesson the hard way.
440
00:20:50,477 --> 00:20:56,856
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441
00:20:56,906 --> 00:21:01,456
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