Original subtitles

(upbeat blues theme playing)

Margaret, if I'm gonna run a medical office effectively,

I'm gonna need these things taken care of

professionally and promptly.

Thank you. Now, let's review.

"Turkey, whole wheat and light mayo" this time.

(knocking on door)

ANITA: John, it's Anita.

Margaret, I gotta go. The hooker's here.

No, no, no, she lives here.

Not "here" here. Here.

(knocking on door)

Just... Just hold on.

What?

John, I'm sorry. Can I use your bathroom to put my makeup on?

Yeah, I guess. Why?

The lights in my apartment shorted out again.

And speaking of short, have you seen Bob anywhere?

I've been after him for days to fix them,

and I'm ready to kill him.

Yeah? Just don't kill him before he fixes my refrigerator.

Anyway, Margaret, I needed...

Hello, Margaret? Mar...

Well, that's just rude.

Excuse me, have you ever heard of knocking?

Hey, I didn't think you were home.

And by the way, you know, there's no reason to yell at me.

The other tenants make Bob feel welcome in their homes.

They trust Bob. Oh, which reminds me.

Guess what I found in Mr. Zimmerman's closet.

I know, I know. Women's clothes.

Everybody in the building knows Zimmerman's a cross-dresser.

What?

No, I meant I just found a Mickey Mantle baseball card.

That's Mrs. Zimmerman's. They have an arrangement.

What are you doing? Thought you were gonna fix my refrigerator.

No, I just came for the beer.

Will that be enough? Can I fix you some food?

No, I'm good. I'm having dinner in Apartment 5B.

They're in Europe.

By the way, Zimmerman is not the only news in the building.

Rumor has it we have a lady of the evening in residence.

You know, a pro, a streetwalker, a trollop, a harlot.

How bad is this? I'm talking dirty to myself.

Thanks, John. I'll see you later.

Wait a minute.

You're with him?

If your self-esteem is that low, maybe you and I should talk.

Bob, I had to come here to put on my makeup

because you never fixed my lights.

I'll get to it. Right now.

You're coming with me.

Whoa, whoa, what about my refrigerator?

Bob's policy is to handle jobs on a priority basis.

And how do her lights have priority over my refrigerator?

You saw that dress and you really had to ask?

Oh, and, Becker, by the way,

keep your eyes open for the hooker.

(upbeat blues theme playing)

Mrs. Davis, I am very, very sorry.

I have no idea how this happened.

Please accept my...

Linda.

Why would you write this on a patient's chart?

What? This!

"Big ass, no chin."

That's just so I'd remember.

We have three patients named Mary Davis,

and she's the one with the big ass and no chin.

Linda, she saw her chart and was really hurt.

Then why did you show it to her?

My point is, I know Mrs. Davis has a big ass and no chin.

That is no reason to write it on her chart!

I was going to come back,

but I'm not going to be insulted anymore.

Way to go, Margaret.

Listen, can we please pick this up tomorrow?

My date will be here any minute.

Gil's out of jail?

I'd better hide my purse.

Relax. He's not out of jail.

Here's a tip, never bitch-slap the warden.

Anyway, I'm going out with this new guy, Craig.

I've been seeing him for a couple of weeks. He's terrific.

Hey, Linda. Ready?

See? He's cute, has a great job and no rap sheet.

Craig, this is Margaret.

Pleased to meet you.

And thanks for letting Linda off a little early.

Wow, you're not at all what I expected.

From what Linda told me, you're not...

Okay, time to go.

Margaret, where the hell is Mrs. Davis?

Oh, uh, she left. She was feeling sick.

Too sick to stay in a doctor's office?

Oh, uh, maybe she was just sick of waiting. I forget.

Uh, did you see Linda's boyfriend?

That's Gil? Has it been three to five already?

No, that's not Gil.

That's a new one, Craig.

Oh. Oh, he looks normal.

And he acts normal too.

He said, "Pleased to meet you." I heard him.

Who... Who's up next?

Mr. Jones in 2. Which Mr. Jones?

Larry Jones, brown hair, blue eyes.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Chicken neck, big ears.

Oh, Mr. Jones.

(upbeat blues theme playing)

Jake, it's Anita. I'm taking a paper.

No problem. Can you change a hundred?

Not without a magic wand.

I'll owe you.

So how's business? Always good.

Even in a slow economy, there are some things

people just won't cut back on.

God bless them. Ha, ha.

Morning, troops. Hey, Bob.

Haven't seen you around. You missed me, huh?

No, just remembering the good times.

Well, Bob's been doing a little detective work.

Seems there's a hooker living in my building.

How you doing, Anita?

All right, Bob, I'll bite.

Who is it? I know I'm curious.

You know, I thought I had it all figured out

when I ran into a tall, buxom blond in the elevator.

That's Mr. Zimmerman.

Yeah, I know. I found that out the hard way.

Hey, Reggie, can I get some coffee?

Okay, but just coffee. I'm shutting down for lunch.

So you do read the suggestion box.

Reg, you can't close now. My business depends on yours.

If you don't cook, they don't eat.

If they don't eat, what am I gonna do

with six cases of Maalox?

For your information,

I'm closing because I've been dating this new guy,

and he's coming by to take me for lunch.

Wait until you meet him. He's... Here we go.

"Unlike any guy I've met." JAKE: Mm-hm.

"He's funny, he's sensitive."

"He loves me for who I am."

"He likes that I'm a strong and independent woman."

Mm. Gee, I had no idea.

Hope you two fellas will be very happy together.

No, we're teasing Reggie. She's got a new boyfriend.

Yeah, right. What else is new? Ha, ha.

BECKER: Can I get a cheeseburger, please?

Sorry, Becker, I'm not serving lunch today.

Oh, so you do read the suggestion box.

You know, I'm gonna stop talking to you guys.

Wow, she really does read the suggestion box.

Oh, Craig, just in time.

You ready? Yeah.

Oh. I'd introduce you, but, uh,

well, that would be rude.

That's Craig?

Oh, my God.

Who's gay now?

(upbeat blues theme playing)

Hi, I don't have an appointment,

but I was hoping the doctor could see me.

Um...

Sure, I think we can fit you in, Mr...?

B-I-G-N-O-Z-I, Bignozi.

Okay, if you'll just wait a moment, Mr. Bignozi,

I'll start... Oh, I am so sorry.

It was bad enough that you were writing on their charts.

Now you're referring to patients by their physical shortcomings?

Again, I am so sorry, Mr., uh...

Bignozi.

That's my name.

And frankly, I don't consider my nose a shortcoming.

Neither do I. Until you mentioned it,

I didn't even notice how big it is. I mean...

I mean...

Uh, Linda will take you back.

Right this way, sir.

Sorry. Sometimes she can be so insensitive.

Hmm.

Margaret, my office, now.

Please?

That's better.

Yes?

Margaret, I need you to call the lab

about Mrs. Waverley's blood test.

Then call Medicare about those late payments.

Oh, and then I need you to tell Reggie and Linda

they're dating the same guy.

Okay, thanks a lot. Oh. Ah-ah.

Get back in here.

That is terrible. How did you find out?

Oh, wrong place, wrong time.

Anyway, uh, handle it. You know, j-just break it to them gently.

Yeah, and don't make a day of it because we're busy.

Uh-uh. You found out, you tell them.

Oh, hey, listen, you don't understand.

Every time I get involved

in other people's personal business,

it ends up biting me in the ass.

John, you have to tell them. They're your friends.

They're not my friends. One works for me, one cooks for me.

And believe me, you know,

I'm being generous on both counts.

John. Oh, you...

All right, actually, you know what,

you know, forget I said anything.

You know, maybe they don't need to know.

Of course they need to know. They would want to know.

Fine, then you tell them.

All right, sure, I'll be glad to.

But if I do, they're gonna wanna know how I knew.

And I'm gonna have to tell them the truth,

which is that you told me.

And then, they're gonna be real mad

that you knew and you told me instead of them.

So actually, by not telling them,

I am doing you a favor.

You just made that up off the top of your head, didn't you?

And it came out a lot better than I expected.

Good luck.

(upbeat blues theme playing)

(sighs)

Hey, Jake. Hey, John.

Let me ask you something.

If someone you knew was in a relationship,

and you knew the person they were seeing

was being unfaithful,

do you really think they would wanna know?

Oh, my God.

Angela is cheating on me.

Man, I knew I couldn't trust that woman.

Who the hell's Angela? The girl I've been seeing.

I thought you were seeing Karen. I'm seeing Karen too.

So you're cheating on Angela?

Why are you taking Angela's side?

I'm not taking anybody's side. Listen, John,

um, in case they should come in, now Karen knows about Angela,

but Angela doesn't know about Karen. So, uh, cover for me?

You're on your own, pal.

You know, I don't care about Karen.

I don't care about Angela.

Hey, a little respect.

You're talking about the women I love.

Hey, Anita, let me ask you something.

You date men outside the job, right?

Sure. Though, when you take the money out of a relationship,

it can get pretty weird.

Yeah, be that as it may, if you were seeing some guy,

and he was seeing someone else, would you really wanna know?

Depends.

If I don't care about him, no, I don't need to know.

If I care a little, I don't care.

If I care a lot, I want to know.

If I care a whole lot, I don't wanna know.

Does that help?

How could it possibly help?

Hey, Reg, coffee, please. Ha, ha.

Oh, in a minute, Becker.

So anyway, this guy that I'm dating is really hot.

Oh, so is mine. So, what does your guy do?

He works on Wall Street.

So does mine. That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, amazing.

So, what does your guy look like?

He's tall, great-looking, and has an incredible body.

Mine too.

Oh, and he drives this great BMW.

You're kidding. So does mine.

What are the odds, huh, Becker?

A million-to-1.

Say, let me ask you something, Reg.

What's... What's the name of the guy you're going with?

Craig. Your boyfriend's name is Craig?

Mine too.

Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

We should all have dinner together?

Exactly. Yes...

Oh, for God's sake. Don't you see what's going on here?

You're both dating a guy named Craig,

who works on Wall Street and drives a BMW.

How stupid can you be? You're both seeing the same guy!

LINDA & REGGIE: What?

I thought you should know.

(upbeat blues theme playing)

We're dating the same guy? How do you know?

How could I help but know? I saw him with both of you.

This guy Craig is everywhere I go.

I can't believe this. He told me I was the love of his life.

That's what he told me.

Gee, do you think he might have been lying?

I just don't believe this is happening.

When I think of the parade of freaks that I've dated,

and then I finally meet a guy who is handsome

and funny and successful, and he's dating someone else.

Oh, I'm such a loser.

You? I'm the loser.

Do you know how long it's been since I've dated a guy

who's allowed to cross state lines?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on,

l-l-let's be fair.

You're both losers.

But it's just because you're both desperate, gullible women

with lousy taste in men.

Now can I have some coffee, please?

How can you be so insensitive?

Me, insensitive? What about Craig?

Oh, don't put this on Craig.

You're the one who loves to spread misery.

I'll bet you couldn't wait to come here and tell us.

Not true. I waited a whole day.

You knew a whole day, and you didn't tell us?

L... No, I've been agonizing over this.

I talked to Margaret, I talked to Jake, I talked to Anita...

Oh, so you told everyone but us?

I told you just now.

Yeah, because you ran out of other people to tell.

Yeah, Dr. Becker, thanks.

Oh, Jake, why do I even open my mouth?

You know, John, for a change, it's nice to hear you say that.

(upbeat blues theme playing)

What the hell are you doing here?

Landing the space shuttle.

What do you think I'm doing? I'm making a pit stop.

Your office is conveniently located

halfway between the apartment and the diner.

Yeah, next time, go someplace else, will you?

My office is not a toilet.

Yeah, if you say so.

(sniffs)

Oh, and by the way,

I think I'm making some headway on the hooker situation.

I'm narrowing it down. My dark horse is old Mrs. Feldheim.

Oh, that's ridiculous. Mrs. Feldheim's not a hooker.

I know she doesn't fit the usual profile,

but you don't wear out two hips

without doing something dirty. I'll keep you posted.

Oh, hey, Margaret, thanks a lot.

Yeah, I took your advice last night,

and I told Reggie and Linda about Craig.

How did they take it?

Yeah, would you like to see the bite marks on my ass?

John, I ride the subway to work. I get that offer every day.

Yeah, well, I should've stayed out of it like I wanted to.

But, hey, you know what? Not my problem anymore.

You know, it's over.

Everything's back the way I like it.

Where you're totally ignorant of everything?

Hey, it works for the president.

Listen, Dr. Becker, about yesterday...

Yeah, look, Linda, it's over.

I really don't wanna talk about it.

Well, actually, I just wanted to thank you.

It turns out you did me a favor. Whatever.

Craig and I are gonna stay together.

In fact, we're going out tonight to celebrate.

I don't wanna know. Aren't you even listening to me?

That's very true. See...

Craig really wanted to be with me,

but he didn't have the heart to break up with Reggie.

I still don't wanna know. I mean, I feel bad for her

and stuff, because, you know, we're all sisters.

But, uh, I feel extra happy that Craig chose me because,

well, I won.

Oh.

Got a minute, Becker?

What are you doing here?

Well, I brought you a club sandwich.

You know, just the way you like it.

From the deli down the street?

Yeah.

Wait a minute. Why?

Well, I kind of bit your head off yesterday.

But it turns out you ended up doing me a favor.

It gave Craig a chance to break up with Linda

because he really wanted to be with me.

So you're still dating Craig? Wha...?

Oh, you have no idea how much I don't wanna know this.

Oh, I understand. You have to work with Linda.

It's just, thanks to you, I have Craig all to myself.

In fact, we're gonna go out and celebrate.

Yeah, but not tonight, right?

No, he's gotta go see his mom in Jersey.

Ah.

It seems like he visits her practically every other night.

Isn't he just the best?

Yeah, yeah, at what he does, he's the best.

Well, thanks again, Becker.

(groans)

Why the hell can't people just shut up?

Yeah, Margaret, get in here.

I need to talk to you.

Please?

Yeah, you're not gonna believe this.

Reggie and Linda are both dating Craig again.

Shut the door, will you?

He's got them both convinced that he dumped the other one.

Damn, he's good. You're telling me.

I can't even get a cleaning lady,

this guy has got every woman in the Bronx.

Well, then you have got to tell them.

No, no, that's how we got in this mess in the first place.

You've gotta tell them.

John, I am not gonna do someone else's dirty work.

It would be different if I knew it myself,

then it would be first-hand knowledge.

But as it stands, all I have is gossip.

You... You just made that up too, didn't you?

No, I was prepared this time.

Margaret... No, John Becker.

Oh.

Hey, Dr. Becker, could I leave a little early? I've got a date.

Whatever. Just don't talk to me anymore.

(phone rings)

Doctor's office.

Hold on. Linda, Craig Brettler's on the phone.

Oh, tell him I'm on my way. And that I love him.

She left.

Did she say she was meeting Craig Brettler?

Yeah, she's dating him.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't tell me you're seeing him too.

Of course not. I don't date married men.

He's married? Oh, yeah.

Linda, Reggie, and he's got a wife?

I mean, how much abuse does one guy need?

Oh, hey, ho, ho, ho, come back here.

Whoa, ho, ho. We both heard that at the same time.

That means we have the same information.

No, but it's the person who's the closest to the source...

No, forget it, forget it, forget it. Don't even go there.

Tag, you're it.

(sighs)

(upbeat blues theme playing)

Hey, Jake.

So have you found your lady of the evening yet?

No. And talk about guessing wrong.

I was up in Mrs. Feldheim's place

working on her closet door

when she walks in wearing a house dress, open in the back.

Says she has a little arthritis, and could I zip her up.

So? So...

Arthritis? Zip her up?

Bob knows a come-on when he hears one.

So I ask her how much.

And let's just say, for a lady with a fake hip,

she can really swing that knee.

(chuckles)

I'm telling you, Jake, I've gotta know who the hooker is.

I'm racking my brain.

Yeah, I thought I heard a marble rolling around.

Wait a minute.

The answer's been sitting right in front of me the whole time.

Anita.

You're around the building a lot.

Do you know who the hooker is?

Bob, think about it.

I sleep all day, I'm out all night.

And it's not unusual for me

to have two or three dates an evening.

Okay, okay, I get it.

You're too busy to help me. I'll do it alone.

Is he for real?

Who would fake that?

REGGIE: Sometimes I feel like I'm the biggest sucker in the world.

I'm the one who's too easy.

I always fall for a smooth talker.

Oh, hey, Becker, coffee?

Yeah, thank you. So you guys are all right, huh?

Oh, yeah. We're fine.

Oh, good. 'Cause when I heard

that you were both still dating Craig...

You're still dating him? You're still dating him?

W-wait, didn't Margaret tell you that he's married?

He's married?

Who cares? You're still dating him?

Wasn't that what you were both just talking about?

How you're a big sucker and you're too easy?

We were talking about the kid who came in

and sold us a bunch of magazine subscriptions.

Oh.

You guys doing something different with your hair?

It's... It's fabulous.

If you knew Craig was married, why didn't you tell us?

How could you not say something?

What? You gonna try to turn this on me again? I don't think so.

Look, let... Let's get something straight.

In the future, I don't wanna know anything.

If either of you have any secrets, I don't wanna know.

If either of you think they have something

that I might like to know, I don't wanna know.

In fact, if anything happens to anybody, anyplace, any time,

please don't tell me, because as I may have mentioned,

I don't want to know.

You know whose fault this is?

When you come right down to it,

it's Margaret, that bigmouthed busybody.

You know, she just...

She's the one who told me to get involved in the first place.

She's really brave when she's pushing other people around,

but, you know, when it's her turn to tell you something,

where the hell is she?

Right behind you.

Now that I would have liked to have known.

(upbeat blues theme playing)

(upbeat blues theme playing)

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