Original subtitles

Oh, come on, lady, a Santa suit on a poodle?

That just demeans the dog and you.

Mostly you.

And the least you can do is pick up all his little presents.

Merry Christmas? Or should I just go screw myself?

Oh, relax.

I've reached a non-aggression pact with the holidays.

I have absolutely no expectations.

No expectations, no disappointments.

Let me tell you about disappointments.

My first Christmas as the building super

and not one lousy tip.

I even sent out cards.

Meanwhile, look what I got back.

Fix this, fix that.

Oh, and my favourite, Jesus is watching over me.

I don't need Jesus watching over me.

I need Jesus with a fistful of cash.

Isn't that the logo for The 700 Club?

JAKE: Well, much as I hate to agree with you, John,

I think I'm gonna have to pass on Christmas this year too.

I hope you're happy, Becker. Now you've ruined Jake.

No, Reg, it's not John's fault.

You know how I spend Christmas every year with my grandma?

This year she's going to Atlantic City with her friends.

- So why don't you go with her? - Because I wasn't invited.

Between them, they have a wheelchair,

a walker and an oxygen tank, and they think I'll be the one in the way.

Well, I intend on having a great Christmas.

Look at this. I found it in the back while I was defrosting a bag of omelettes.

My dad saved it from when I was a little girl.

It was always my favourite. See, it's hand-painted.

It's an angel blowing a trumpet.

Looks more like Liberace drinking a martini.

Very funny.

It's one-of-a-kind. It was handmade in Greece.

Yeah, much like this sandwich.

See? Now it's Christmas.

And there's nothing any of you can say to ruin it for me.

Oh!

[ORNAMENT BREAKS]

Oh, no, my angel.

Like I said, no expectations, no disappointments.

All right, what have we got?

- And a good morning to you too. - Fine, fine, fine.

- Morning. MARGARET: Ha, ha.

Mr. Remick's in One.

Smashed his thumb trying to put a bike together for his son.

And in Two, there's a Santa with a black eye.

I don't care who he's with. What's wrong with him?

Not a black guy,

a black eye.

Oh, well, that's different, isn't it?

Hey, Margaret, did I mention that outfit looks really great on you?

What do you want, Linda?

You're right, that was an obvious lie.

Okay, here's the thing.

My parents are coming for Christmas, and they're gonna stop by the office,

and, well, somehow they got the idea that I'm the office manager,

and that you report to me.

You told them that?

No, they just heard it.

They also might have heard that you're constantly messing up

and you're always late.

- Oh, so they think I'm you. - Exactly.

So if you could just pretend to be me while they're here,

then that will make everything less confusing all the way around.

That's a perfect plan.

No.

Please, Margaret.

I really want to impress my parents.

You have no idea how disappointed they are in me.

Well...

You know, I really never could please my parents either.

Margaret, I don't have time for your life story.

I got a problem here.

Bad judgement, right?

Extremely.

Oh, but I suppose five minutes can't hurt.

- Thank you, Margaret. - Ha, ha, ha.

It is Christmas.

But after the holidays, you watch yourself.

Well, look, Santa, the traditional greeting is ho, ho, ho.

And if a pretty girl walks by and you just say ho,

she has every right to deck you.

I'm telling you, if I don't get a tip from one of those lousy tenants soon,

- I'm shutting off their heat. - Mm.

That ought to make you real popular.

Yeah? Screw them.

I can't guarantee a white Christmas,

but for some of those old farts, it's gonna be a blue one.

Oh, crap, it's Sara from the bakery.

She's always acting like her life is better than mine.

Her life is better than yours.

That's not the point.

She makes me sick, that big phoney.

Sara, hi. Merry Christmas.

You too.

I meant to come over earlier,

but my bakery is so busy I can't get out the door.

Well, it certainly is nice and quiet here.

Yeah.

Well, I was meaning to come over and see you too,

but I've just been swamped, you know, running the diner and going to school

and running the diner.

Tell me about it.

Between my kids and my husband, oh, I don't have a moment to myself.

You're so lucky you don't have that problem.

Yeah, lucky.

Well, it's been great catching up.

But, of course, the reason why I'm here

is the St. Agnes Toy Drive, you know, for the orphans.

I have collected the most toys seven years in a row.

I know. You told me.

Seven years in a row.

So would it be all right if I put a flier for my toy drive up in your window?

I would love to let you,

but, you know, I'm actually doing my own toy drive this year.

Oh, really?

Yes, really.

Well, life certainly can't beat you down.

I'll give you that.

- Merry Christmas. - You too.

Since when did you get involved in the toy drive?

Since I decided that my sole purpose in life is to crush her like a bug.

There. Ugh.

Finally got it put back together.

Reggie, what exactly is that supposed to be?

It's an angel blowing a trumpet.

You know, you might wanna reposition the trumpet

so it's not coming out of the angel's, uh, raincoat.

John, it's getting late.

You have to go and give Mrs. Gellman her flu shot.

Why doesn't she just come to the office?

Because she's 97.

And it might be nice if you took her a gift.

I know just what to get her.

A robe that closes.

Margaret, my parents will be here soon.

We should practise.

- Oh, don't worry, I know my part. - Please?

Oh, fine.

You are so lucky to have a daughter like Linda.

She is my role model. I have learned so much from her.

- And? - I'm not saying that.

You promised.

[SIGHS]

And I credit Linda for showing me the path to sobriety.

You know, she's so much nicer since she stopped drinking.

Oh...

MARGARET: Merry Christmas, everybody.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

I didn't know Margaret drank.

Then again, she does work for Becker.

Check it out, toots.

Bob's here with toys for the tots.

Bob, that's great.

That will bring us up to over 40 toys. I'm gonna destroy Sara.

So where did you get them?

I took them off people in the building.

Wait, you stole toys?

Stole is such an ugly word.

Now we're even for them stiffing me on my tips.

Wait, because your tenants didn't tip you,

you're taking it out on their kids?

I mean, where's your Christmas spirit?

Who are you, Jimmy Stewart?

Besides, most of these toys are from the lost and found, all right?

Can you give kids used toys?

Reg, they're orphans.

If they don't mind used parents, they're not gonna mind used toys.

[CHATTERING]

Oh.

Excuse me.

I'm not cutting in line.

I'm just trying to take a shortcut through the store to get to my car.

Oh, God. Doctor coming through.

And why are you shopping tonight, for God's sake?

You had to have seen this holiday coming. Hey.

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

I'm in hell.

Oh, hey, look at that.

That's Liberace drinking a martini. Heh.

I wonder if, uh...

Hmm.

[TO Y TRAIN WHISTLES]

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

MANAGER: May I help you? - Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, thank you.

I wanna buy that ornament right there.

I'm sorry. It's part of the display and not for sale.

It's Christmas. Everything's for sale.

Sir, I need you to step back over the rope.

Yeah, look, help me out here, will you?

A friend of mine had an ornament like that, but it broke.

It'd really mean a lot to her if I could replace it.

And it would mean a lot to me if you would please step out of the display.

Yeah, look, Justin, your little nametag says, "May I help you?"

You're not helping me.

And that sign says North Pole, but we're not really there now, are we?

Now step out of the display.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, it's a stupid display.

I mean, what the hell do pandas have to do with Christmas, anyway?

You know something?

Aah!

Oh, God. Oh, my back.

Oh, my God. Oh.

[GROANING]

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

Oh, God.

Move along, folks. Nothing to see.

Just a man who didn't listen to me and fell down.

You've got to get up.

I can't. I threw my back out, and I'm in a lot of pain.

I can't move my legs. I can barely move my arms.

You're gonna have to move me, but do it delicately.

Sorry, the lawyers tell us we can't help anyone.

Train.

- What? - Train.

What the hell are you talking about?

Ow!

As I said, train.

Oh, all right, I'll call the paramedics.

Yeah, call my office too, will you, please?

It's 555-0199.

Dr. John Becker.

Okay, but first I'm going to cover you with a blanket.

- What...? What...? - So you don't go into shock.

Wait a minute. That's not a blanket.

This is fake snow.

You're trying to hide me.

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

Oh, I'm not gonna lay here and listen to that crap.

Sorry. Nothing I can do.

- Oh, for... - Train.

[WHISTLES]

Ooh!

Hey! Hey, come on, get me out of here, will you?

I swear to God, I'll sue you.

Hey, take this thing off me.

Mommy, I don't like that scary toy.

That's mean Mr. Angry Head.

It's Dr. Angry Head.

This is great. We have almost 50 toys.

Hey, we might actually beat Sara.

Not quite, Frosty the Blind Man.

I was just down at the bakery, and Sara's got, like, 300 toys.

Oh, damn it.

Reg? Sara's been working on this for months.

We can't beat her.

But so what? We only have 50 toys, that's 50 more toys for the orphans.

More for the orphans, more for the orphans.

You're missing the point, Jake. We can still beat her.

- Miracles can happen. - Oh, Reg...

Is it the season of damn miracles or isn't it?

We just need to get creative.

Take Barbie, separate her from her clothes,

you got two toys. Ha!

Who wants a doll without clothes?

- Well... - Besides you.

You know what?

I don't want any part of this. I'm taking a walk.

Jake, wait. I'm sorry.

Oh, I guess I got so wrapped up in beating Sara,

I guess I lost sight of what's really important.

Will you forgive me?

Yeah, yeah. Forget it.

I'll be back in a little while.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to that.

I've never been more proud of you in my entire life.

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

Oh. Oh, thank God.

If I hear that damn song one more time,

I'll blow my Christmas brains out.

No, no, no.

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

Don't do... Don't. Oh...

Linda, what are you wearing?

I'm an office manager, Margaret.

What do you think I'm gonna wear, a polyester smock?

So my parents will be here any minute.

Could you please make coffee?

[PHONE RINGING]

Margaret, be a lamb and grab that.

You have lost your mind.

Doctor's office.

[MOUTHS] It's your mother.

She's very busy right now, but I'll see if I can get her.

Nice touch, ha, ha.

Hi, Mom, where are you? Are you on your way?

Oh, no, that's okay.

I understand.

You have a Merry Christmas too.

They're not coming.

Their friends invited them to go skiing in Aspen.

Oh, Linda, I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

I'd rather go to Aspen than visit me too.

Linda, you know, you're welcome to spend Christmas Eve

with Louis and me.

With you there, we'd have someone to talk to.

As much fun as that sounds, I think I'd rather just be by myself.

Merry Christmas, Margaret.

Hey! Ow!

Hey, don't pretend like you don't know I'm here.

What now?

Well, where are the paramedics?

I don't know. Maybe they're in kitchen wares.

We're having a big sale.

Oh, for crying out... Ow!

You didn't say train.

Sorry. Train.

Oh, now come on, look, at least unplug the damned display.

Oh, no, no, kid, kid, don't push that.

No, no, you push that, I swear to God, Santa won't bring you a single present.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, I'll give you a dollar.

No, $5. Okay, okay, I'll give you $20.

Oh, thank you.

All right, you have to do me a favour, though, I can't move.

Reach into my pocket and get my wallet.

Oh, no, we saw a video about that in school.

Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that.

- No, no, don't... - Mommy!

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

Ugh.

[TRAIN WHISTLES]

- Hey, Reg? - Yeah?

The strangest thing just happened to me.

Two people just came up to me and gave me toys for the orphans.

Two toys? That's it?

I know. You'd think you'd get more toys putting a sign on a blind guy's back.

I mean, where do you get these ideas?

The Little Rascals?

I don't know what I was thinking.

I was stupid to think I could beat Sara.

You can never beat people like that.

Oh, I was wrong.

There are no Christmas miracles.

Guess what?

There was a fire down at Sara's bakery

and all the toys burned up.

Yes!

Oh, wait, was anyone hurt?

- No. - Yes!

Ah, miracles do happen, I told you.

God bless us, everyone.

So should we bring the toys down to the orphanage?

Oh, yeah, whatever.

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

Finally. Oh, thank God.

Linda, Linda, over here.

Dr. Becker, what are you doing down there?

Oh, I threw my back out.

Well, let me help you up.

No, no, no, we better wait for the paramedics.

What are you doing here?

Well, my parents were supposed to come visit, but they cancelled.

I thought coming here to see the Christmas decorations

might cheer me up.

So far it hasn't helped.

Oh, well, that was your first mistake.

Expecting something for Christmas.

You should take a page from my book: No expectations, no disappointments.

But if you can't look forward to the holidays, then what's the point?

Oh, come on, you're old enough to realise that holidays suck.

I mean, you start at Thanksgiving with an idea of how things should be.

By Christmas, all your dreams are shot to hell.

Then everybody drinks on New Year's Eve

to forget how bad the past month actually was,

then they start the new year with their heads in the toilet,

which is pretty symbolic if you think about it.

All I wanted for Christmas was to see my parents.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, I'm sorry, Linda, look, I'm just having a bad day.

You know, I suppose there are parts of Christmas that are good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Like what? - Like... Like what?

Yeah.

Well, uh, well, there's...

Well...

Christmas is a time for sharing.

And Christmas is a time for caring.

And I guess if you believe in Christmas things,

you'll know the joy that Christmas brings.

Wow, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard, Dr. Becker.

Thank you. That really helps.

Get off me.

Hey, why is the display off?

Uh, some kid in a striped shirt did it. He went that way.

Hey, my friend had an ornament just like that one, but it broke.

Is that one for sale?

Oh, what the heck, it's Christmas.

Go ahead and take it.

LINDA: Thanks. - Hey, that's the one I wanted.

Why didn't you give it to me?

- Because I don't like you. - No, don't do that.

[CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING]

I hate Christmas.

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