Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

What the hell is this?

Okay, I'm gonna need way more hints.

It's the office phone bill, Linda.

Well, that wasn't a very good game.

No, not this. This.

I wanna know who made the $11.47

call to Chico, California.

( both giggling )

There's a Chico, California?

( giggling )

Is it anywhere near Groucho, Nevada?

( both giggling )

Now, I hear laughter, ladies, I don't hear confessions.

You really think that I would rip you off

for an $11 phone call?

That is the most insulting thing I've ever heard.

I bet it was her.

I didn't do it.

Couldn't have been one of the patients 'cause we don't let

our patients use the phone, right, Linda?

I swear, I'm rude to everyone, just like you asked.

All right, all right, if it wasn't one of us,

it wasn't one of the patients,

that leaves the telephone company.

BECKER: Oh, yeah.

They're gonna wish they hadn't screwed with me.

By the time I'm through with them,

they're not gonna know what hit 'em.

Oh, John, you're not gonna call them, are you?

Yeah? Well, what do you suggest?

Grab a few sticks of dynamite, blast open that wallet of yours,

and pay the money.

So that's not gonna happen.

I mean, you get 'em, Dr. Becker

Oh, John, please, you're just gonna end up screwing things up.

You're gonna-- You're gonna lose your temper

and alienate everyone, like you always do.

What're you talking about?

Come on, face it, you're not good on the phone.

You're not good in person.

You're just not good.

Not good? Yeah? Watch this.

Well, hello to you too, Wendy.

I hope you can help me.

This is, uh, Dr. John Becker at 555-0199.

Yeah, it's about my phone bill.

Well, there's a charge to Chico, California that I didn't make.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

You're gonna credit me?

BECKER: Thank you.

Well, I certainly hope you have a nice day too.

Well, what have we learned here?

A, you said that I couldn't beat the phone company.

And I did.

B, you said that I don't have people skills.

And I do.

C, I can't remember, C,

but I'm pretty sure you were wrong about that too.

( blues theme playing )

What the hell is this?

Okay, I'm gonna need way more hints.

It's the phone bill, Linda.

Well, I was gonna guess that, but it seemed so obvious.

Mar-- Margaret, the phone company lied to me.

This-- This is my new bill,

and the call to Chico, California is still there.

Well, John, what have we learned from all this?

What? A, you were wrong.

B, you were wrong.

MARGARET: And C...

Well, I can't remember, C, but I'm pretty sure

you were wrong about that too.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Why would they say they're gonna take the charge off the bill

and then not do it?

You know, damn phone company.

You know what this is, don't you? This is war.

John, don't be stupid.

Let it go and pay the money.

Don't you see, that's how they get you.

A couple of phony calls, a few extra charges,

the next thing you know they--

They've bilked the American public

out of billions of dollars.

We've gotta do something!

John, it was only $11.

And 47 cents.

Even if it were a dollar, I'd still be upset.

I know.

Oh, Margaret, it's not the money.

It's the principle.

Oh, no, not the principle.

Not again.

Do I have to remind you?

The Thrifty-Mart incident?

I told you never to bring that up.

What happened?

Not important.

The judge thought it was important.

Channel Two Action News thought it was important.

The mayor's office thought it was--

Thrifty-Mart.

That was you?

Oh, my God, did you really put a guy in a wheelchair?

He was in the wheelchair before I ever touched him.

Wisdom like that, and they gave Dr. King the holiday.

( blues theme playing )

JAKE: Say, Reg.

Uh, Kira wants to know what you're wearing

to Bonnie Bedrosian's wedding.

Bonnie's getting married?

Yeah, didn't she invite you?

No.

Oh.

Well, we've known each other since we were kids.

Why wouldn't she invite me?

I don't understand.

Reg, it's-- It's no big deal.

I bet I know what happened.

She probably hasn't sent out all the invitations.

I got mine a month ago.

But I don't understand.

I mean, if I was getting married, I'd invite her.

Yeah, and if my grandma had wheels, she'd be a wagon.

Shut up.

Morning, all.

I just came to say you're looking at a brand new Bob.

Well, except for you.

And I owe it all to these tapes

"Ted Talbot's Ten Tips for Total Transformation."

Wait, Ted Talbot?

That sleazy con man on Channel 59?

Like Ted says, "Ridicule is the last resort

for the truly helpless."

And, yeah, that's him.

Hey, Bob, they delivered that blazer I bought you.

I thought you might need it, you know,

in case you have any job interviews.

Not yet, but I'm only up to Tape 2.

You know the difference between

successful people and schmucks like us?

You mean schmucks like you.

The point is Ted Talbot knows the difference.

And once I'm done listening to these tapes--

You'll no longer be a schmuck like you?

Exactly.

I'll have the life I've always dreamed of.

I'd say you have that now.

You don't work, and you live in Linda's penthouse rent-free.

But that's gonna change.

That's why I bought Bob the tapes.

You bought Bob the tapes?

I would've bought them myself, but unfortunately Bob left

all his money in his ex-wife.

Well...

It's time to get on with my day the Ted Talbot Way.

Number one, "Start your day with a brisk constitutional."

Well, I wouldn't call it brisk, but done.

Done? You never take walks.

That's a walk?

Oh, skipping ahead.

"Do one thing each day you've never done before."

Pay for your food?

Baby steps, Reg, baby steps.

I really think these tapes

are gonna make a difference in Bob's life.

I don't get it, Linda.

Why are you being so nice to him?

Because he needs my help to make a fresh start in life.

You just want him out of your place, don't you?

No, it's not that I want him out, it's just--

Yes.

So why don't you throw his butt out on the street?

I can't just throw him out.

It's like that saying,

"Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you've walked a mile in his shoes."

Close enough.

( blues theme playing )

Oh, finally.

This is John Becker.

And don't ask me for my number,

'cause I punched it in an hour ago.

I have your account in front of me, my name is April.

How may I help you?

I don't need your name, April.

What I need, April, is for you to remove a charge

from my bill for a call to Chico, California,

a place I've never heard of and never called.

Think you can do that, April?

I understand you're upset, sir. I'll credit you immediately.

No, no, no, no, you don't.

Look, they told me that three weeks ago,

and it's still on my bill.

I'll be glad to drop that charge if you'll just provide us

with some kind of substantiation that you didn't make the call.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, so that's your game, is it?

Yeah.

I suppose my word as a customer in good standing is meaningless?

That's correct, sir.

You know what I think?

You know, I think Chico doesn't even exist.

You know, I'll bet Chico is some sort of phone company code word

for dumping bogus charges on unsuspecting customers.

I can assure you, sir, the call in question

is to an actual number.

Frankly, in most disputes, the customer has merely

forgotten that they placed the call.

Perhaps if you call the number, it might all come back to you?

You don't think I'm gonna do that, do you?

Sir, I just asked you to.

Yeah, well, I got news for you, April. I am gonna do it.

You don't have any idea who you're dealing with here.

Isn't this Dr. John Becker located at 18--?

Oh, you know what I mean.

I'll show her.

( dialing )

Yeah, hi, this is, uh, Dr. John Becker

calling from New York to substantiate

that I did not make a call to this number on the--

Oh, well, hi, Timmy.

Uh, can I speak to your mommy?

Oh, you-- You have two mommies.

Well, you live in California, why not?

Any chance one of them can come to the phone?

Hello? Tim-- Hell--

Stupid kid.

( blues theme playing )

Hey, Jake, did it ever occur to you that success

was staring you right in the face, and you just can't see it?

Now, Bob, don't take this the wrong way,

but, uh, sit your punk-ass down and shut up.

You know, the pre-Ted-Talbot Bob

would've taken offense at that.

But the new Bob is focused like a laser on his goals.

And here's two of them now.

You know, I can't get over

not being invited to Bonnie's wedding.

You weren't invited?

You were?

Practically everyone from high school was.

It's like a mini-reunion.

Remember that exchange student with the eyebrow and moustache?

She's invited?

Chico, California, a sleepy little town

or the front for a billion-dollar scam?

Reg, do you have any idea what he's talking about?

Oh, what's the matter? Are you worried he's not gonna tell us?

Good point.

I'll tell you exactly what I'm talking about.

The phone company is screwing me out of $11.47.

That's it?

It's not the money, Reg, it's the principle.

Oh, Becker, not the principle.

Didn't you learn your lesson at the Thrifty-Mart?

Oh, what, like-- Like no one else has ever been banned

from a retail chain for life?

That was you?

You really pushed a guy in a wheelchair off a cliff?

It wasn't off a cliff.

It was down a hill.

For your information, you know, the dumpster broke his fall.

I don't know why everyone's making such a deal about this.

Because it was a big deal. The guy was handicapped, John.

Why is it everyone always sticks up

for the guy in the wheelchair?

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Oh, Linda, Tiffany's. What did you get?

Bob asked me to pick him up a sterling silver money clip.

What for? He doesn't have any money.

It's a Ted Talbot Tip.

"Creative visualization.

Act rich, and riches will follow."

Must be working.

He just got himself a money clip.

Linda, aren't you tired of that little man sponging off you?

He's not sponging off me, Margaret, he's--

Yes.

Then throw him out.

I can't throw him out.

I'm supposed to be helping him.

It's like that old saying,

"I cried because I had no shoes,

and then I met a man."

"And then you met a man who had no feet.

No, I think I'd remember that.

Oh, hello, Mr. Fuller.

Hello, Linda, I've got an appointment with the doctor

to talk about my test results.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, what?

Oh, not, oh, no, oh, no.

I mean, it could be, oh, no, oh, no, but we don't know.

Oh.

Your lab results won't be in till tomorrow.

I called your assistant, didn't he tell you?

No, he didn't.

God, that idiot can't do anything right.

I tell you, you can't get good help these days.

Tell me about it.

I gotta fire that guy.

Wait, so you'll be looking for a new assistant?

Yeah, but I'm damned if I'm gonna hire

another snot-nosed MBA.

I wasn't asking for me, I already have a job.

But would you hire someone who didn't even go to college?

Hell, I didn't, all I had going for me was street smarts.

No, I need to find someone like I used to be.

You know, brash, arrogant and,

well, a little bit of a pain in the ass.

A pain in the ass? Yeah, well.

Have I got the guy for you.

I'm telling you, Margaret, Chico is just a code word

the phone company uses to screw you, don't you get it?

They think you can't defend yourself,

but I'm fighting them, Margaret.

MARGARET: This is Thrifty-Mart all over again.

Boy, you're never gonna let that go, are you?

I-- I told you, it wasn't my fault.

You hit a man in a wheelchair.

I was trying to defend myself.

You know, Margaret, you never, ever let me tell you

what really happened.

I would love to know what really happened.

Okay.

All right.

I was at the Thrifty-Mart

picking up a prescription for a patient.

Right? So I'm standing in line

waiting to pay for the medicine,

and some cigarettes, and-- And this guy wheels up

right in front of me.

Now, we're both adults, so I say, "Hey, no cuts."

And that's when you hit him?

No, no, no, first it was just back and forth, you know.

Talking trash, a little knee bumping.

Then you hit him?

No, then he hit me.

And long story short,

he rolled into the parking lot,

down the hill, and blah, blah, blah, blah...

Next thing you know,

th-- There's a demonstration outside my office.

I mean, they're actually carrying picket signs,

and-- And marching back and forth.

Well, not marching, you know...

All I know is a simple apology

would've diffused the whole situation.

Quit calling that kid.

Pay the money. It's only 11 bucks.

It's the principle, Margaret. ( sighs )

Which is why I'm gonna go down to the phone company

and straighten this out.

Oh, no. Now you are just asking for trouble.

No, no, trouble came asking for me.

And now it's gonna get it.

You know, the trouble that it was asking for.

Trouble is-- Oh, hell, you know what I'm talking about.

( blues theme playing )

Jake, I've been making some calls,

and I found out that I am the only person

in our high school class

that wasn't invited to Bonnie's wedding.

I'm so humiliated.

Yeah, 'cause you called everyone up and told 'em.

Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Reg, you are at the bottom of this.

Not yet.

I'm gonna go over to Bonnie's,

and I'm just gonna ask her flat out

why she and Dave don't want me at her wedding.

Dave? Nah, she and Dave broke up six months ago.

She's marrying a guy named Sean Russell.

Sean Russell?

From high school?

Oh, well, that explains it.

I wouldn't invite me either.

Do you know him?

Well, you could say that.

I dated him senior year.

I dated his brains out.

Uh, Mr. Fuller, why don't you have a seat?

I'm sure Bob will be here any minute.

Ah, good. Okay.

Hey, Jake, have you seen Bob?

One of the perks of being blind.

I've never seen Bob.

Sit down. Sorry I'm late.

I was just reading the Wall Street Journal

on my constitution.

That's a walk.

Bob, this is Mr. Fuller.

This is my friend I was telling you about.

How you doin' there, Fuller?

My goodness.

Aren't you full of energy?

Well, Bob, I certainly enjoyed reading your r?sum?.

Well, I enjoyed making it up.

Sense of humor, I like that.

Now take a seat, will you?

You know, Linda's told me a lot of good things about you,

and I think you might just be perfect for the job.

Bob, you got a job! I'm so happy...

for you.

So let's just cut to the chase.

Uh, how's 25,000 a year sound?

Great, he'll take it.

What kind of an idiot do you take me for?

Bob.

If you want a winner, you've gotta pay for a winner.

I like your style.

All right, 30 it is.

Great, he'll take it.

Bob senses weakness.

His price just doubled.

And I want a company car. Bob!

My God, you remind me of myself when I was your age.

All right, 40,000 and an expense account.

Great, he'll take it.

No car?

You can ride in the limo with me.

A limo. He'll take it.

You get a limo, while Bob carries your lazy ass

for a measly forty-large a year?

Bob!

Excuse me?

He'll take it.

Fuller, here's my final offer, and it's non-negotiable.

I want 200 a year,

an expense account, and a car.

And nothing cheap. I want a Dodge.

Well, I'm sorry, uh, Linda, this just isn't gonna work.

Uh, young man, you are insane.

Ticktock, Fuller.

He'll be back.

I'm blind, and I can see he's not comin' back.

That's all right.

Opportunities are like streetcars.

Yeah, there are none left.

Here's the deal.

Suck it up, get a job and move out!

Smooth.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

WOMAN: Thank you.

Yeah, I'm here to dispute my bill.

My name is Becker, John Becker.

My name is Susie. Can I have your number, please?

555-0199.

And isn't it just like the phone company

to reduce everybody to a number?

And, yes, I'm aware of the irony of what I just said.

What can I do to help you, sir?

There's an $11.47 call to Chico, California that I did not make.

As a matter of fact, until just recently,

I never heard of Chico, California.

But, sir, according to our records,

you've called there 15 times in the past two days.

Yeah, I-I was just trying to get proof

that I didn't make the damn call in the first place.

And I would have if Timmy had put

one of his lesbian mommies on the phone.

Anyway, you're the people who told me

to make the call in the first place.

Oh, sir, I don't know who told you to do that,

but that's not our policy at all.

Did you get the name of the person you spoke with?

Absolutely. Her name was, uh--

Uh, her name was, uh--

She never told me her name.

But, sir, we're required to give our names--

Now, don't "but, sir" me.

You know, the point is, I did not make the call.

You know, I don't think anybody made that call.

You know what I think? I think that Chico

is just a phone company code word to put phony charges

on innocent people's bills. Hey, you know what?

Check your bills, everybody.

You got Chico, California on there, you're getting screwed.

Sir, sir, please calm down.

I'll get my supervisor.

Yeah, you get your supervisor.

Mr. Minditch, you're needed out front.

You do that. I'll talk to Minditch.

I'll straighten everything out with Minditch.

Minditch.

How can I help--?

Oh, my God, it's you.

Becker!

Minditch. I-I mean, have we met?

You're damned right we have.

This is the maniac that attacked me at the Thrifty-Mart.

( crowd murmuring )

We were waiting in line, and he went crazy on me.

He's insane.

I-I've never seen you in my entire life.

And you cut in line!

I did not. You did too!

But he was in a wheelchair.

It was a very long line.

At least he had someplace to sit.

( crowd gasps )

You don't know, you weren't there.

You know something? You know something?

I didn't call Chico,

but I'll pay for Chico so I can get away from wacko.

What was it, $11.47?

Plus the additional charges, that comes to six--

Oh, here. Just keep the change, will you?

Oh, look at him go.

Not so tough when there's not a hill to push me down.

CROWD ( murmuring ): Yeah, yeah.

You know something?

That's not the way it happened.

If you had the facts, you'd realize this guy

doesn't have a leg to stand on.

( crowd murmuring angrily )

You know what I mean, all I'm saying is that

we can't just let people like him roll all over us.

( crowd murmuring angrily )

You know what I mean, come on, you feel the same way I do.

You know, you talk the talk, I walk the walk.

At least you can walk. CROWD: Yeah.

Why is it everyone always sticks up

for the guy in the wheelchair?

( crowd murmuring )

Did you Chico him?

Oh, yeah.

( blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

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