Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

What exactly are you doing, Jake?

Excuse me.

Every once in a while I like to blend in.

You're a blind man reading

an upside-down Yiddish newspaper.

Oh, yeah, you're blending right in.

Quit hocking me.

So, Reg, you know what I heard this morning on the radio?

Some guy out in Queens buys a painting for 5 bucks

at a garage sale.

Turns out it's a masterpiece,

and it's worth a million dollars.

I mean, why couldn't that happen to us?

Or better yet, to me.

Jake, what are you saying? You wanna leave all of this?

I'm saying I'd do anything for a million bucks.

Anything? Mm-hm.

Would you...eat a bug?

I think I just did.

Give me that.

Oh, it's just a piece of... parsley.

Well, it's official.

They finally turned New York into a police state.

I'm driving to work and, like I do every morning,

when I get to the corner of White Plains Road

and Lester Avenue, I turn right.

And I know, I know,

it's a one-way street,

but I only go 25 yards,

then I take a shortcut down this alley.

Today, some idiot of a cop is lying in wait for me,

and he tickets me for an illegal turn,

broken taillight, no seat belt,

and, oh, yeah, no rear-view mirror.

I'm going the wrong way down a one-way street.

There's nothing behind me.

Yeah, and then to add insult to injury, he--

He busts me for an expired license.

Says guys my age should know better.

Can you believe that?

I'd eat dirt for a million dollars.

Even I would eat dirt for a million dollars.

Yeah, but how about the dirt from an old shepherd's sandal

on a hot and sweaty day?

Excuse me, but I'm trying to alert you to an injustice.

I was abused by the cops, and now I have to go to the DMV.

Doesn't this mean anything to you people?

How sweaty a day are we talking about?

Oh, yeah, fine.

Fine, fine, but when the goon squad comes

and takes your licenses away,

don't come crying to me.

Uh, John, about me losing my driver's license--

Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

( both laughing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

You're late.

Excuse me?

I always wanted to say that to him.

First of all, I'm not late.

Secondly, I'm late 'cause I had to drop my car off

at the mechanic 'cause some jackbooted thug of a cop

decided it wasn't roadworthy.

I mean, you show me where it's written

where the-- The back window has to be made

entirely out of glass.

You know, you-- You can see

perfectly well through Saran Wrap.

And it makes a pretty sexy party dress.

I'm just saying.

Well, I sure feel safer knowing I can cross Lester Avenue

without worrying about you barreling down it the wrong way.

Oh, come on, it's only for 25 yards.

BOTH ( imitating ): "Or else I have to go around the block."

Well, I do.

Oh, and, uh, I gotta get out of here by 4:00.

I have to go to the DMV to renew my license.

You know, what a pain in the ass.

I have forgotten more about driving

than most people will ever know. Well, be sure to tell 'em that.

They will slide you right through.

I have to take the written test, the driving test, the eye test.

I renewed my license, and they didn't make me do all that.

Oh, but I'm young.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're old.

Tony Petrilli is waiting in Room 1.

He's got some kind of back "dealie."

"Dealie"?

Linda checked him in.

Well, what's wrong with him?

I don't know. He's got some kind of whatchamacallit.

You're the doctor. Figure it out.

Super helpful, Margaret.

So, Tony, I understand you have some kind of...back thingy.

What'd you do to it?

Well, I've been telling everyone I did it playing racquetball,

but the truth is, I sneezed.

Huh. It's so embarrassing.

I guess you gotta expect that sort of thing

when you get to be our age.

What're you talking about, "our age"?

You gotta be at least...

Okay, let's take a look at your back.

Let me know when it hurts. Oh.

Go figure. I've been riding a motorcycle for years,

and now I hurt myself sneezing.

I didn't know you had a motorcycle.

Oh, yeah, it's the best.

It makes me feel like a kid again.

Old guys like us, we need something like that, right?

Yeah, speak for yourself. Hop down here, will you?

I gotta take an x-ray, see what's going on.

God, I love that motorcycle.

But like everything I enjoy,

my wife's making me get rid of it.

She says it's too dangerous.

Between her and my grandkids, they don't shut up about it.

Grandkids?

Wh--? When's your birthday?

January.

Oh, well, there you go.

All right.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

You're next, sir.

"Sir"? Who are you calling "sir"?

You're either a "sir" or a "ma'am."

I took a shot.

How--? How--? How about "buddy" or "pal"?

Yeah, let's take it slow. We only just met.

Well, I see you practically aced the written test.

Only nine wrong.

Those are some damn hard questions.

I mean, "Who has the right of way

at a four-way stop sign?"

I live in the Bronx. It's the guy with the gun.

I'll give you that one.

Now read the fifth line on the eye chart.

Put one hand over your left eye

and, do me a favor, the other hand over your mouth.

Uh, E-R-M-A-B.

Wanna go again?

Uh-huh.

Well, let's see-- Uh, U-R-C-N-O.

Is that your final answer?

Yeah, that's my final answer.

Sorry. You wanna try it with your glasses?

Oh, I-- I don't-- I don't wear these when I drive.

You do now. Put them on and read to me.

That's, uh...

H-O--

Oh, close enough. Step to the red line.

( shutter clicks )

That's great. What, did you just take my picture?

No, it was the paparazzi.

They must have found out you were here.

Here's your temporary license.

Will I be getting a permanent one?

No, they call it a temporary license

because Irving Temporary invented it.

Boy, you don't look your age at all.

Well, thank you very much. I try to take care of myself.

I guess you could take that more than one way. Next.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, come on, Reg, what might seem exotic in this culture,

well, that could be normal in another one.

Quit stalling.

Would you or wouldn't you eat monkey brains

for a million dollars?

Idiots.

Are--? Are we talking free-range monkeys?

( upbeat blues theme playing )

I'm so happy to be treated by you

instead of those HMO doctors.

Well, thank you.

You have so much more experience.

Thank you. You know...older.

Thank you.

Oh. LINDA: Oh, that's so cute.

That's the sound my grandpa makes when he sits down.

I did not make a sound.

Oh.

There it is again.

I forget which look that is.

"Shut up, Linda" or "Go away, Linda."

Oh, that's not nice at all.

Your mechanic called.

Uh, he's having trouble finding parts for your car.

Why don't you just turn that thing into a planter?

Oh, put that look away. It doesn't work on me.

Heh. Here's your mail.

What is this? An AARP card?

Is this a conspiracy?

I'm not a retired person.

Why are they sending me this now?

Oh, actually, you've been getting them for months.

I usually just throw them away,

but today it just seemed too delicious to let go.

Yeah, well, throw it away. You're sure?

You could get 50 cents off on orange-flavored Metamucil.

Fine. I'll throw it away.

Ouch. Shoot.

Don't say a word.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Debbie.

Hi, Dr. Becker. How are you doing?

Great.

Well, except that I have to get a flu shot.

Oh, come on. I hate shots.

Ah, it's no big deal.

It doesn't hurt.

Hey, Dr. Becker, can I ask you a personal question?

Sure, I guess.

Well, you're divorced, right?

Yeah, twice.

I wanted to make sure I got it right.

Hee-hee. You are so funny.

( chuckles )

Well, you know, there's this concert coming up,

and I have a couple of tickets.

Oh, gee.

Well, I think that you should take my mother.

I mean, you're about the same age, and she's-- Ouch!

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Her mother's age, my ass.

You know something?

Oh, what the hell, just do it.

Hey, Tony, look, if you're still serious

about getting rid of that motorcycle,

I've been giving it some thought,

and, you know, damn it, I'll take it.

Uh, John Becker.

Your-- Your doctor.

Yeah, yeah, name your price.

N-name another price.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

( knock on door )

What's that?

A helmet.

Please tell me it's because you've been falling down a lot.

No.

As a matter of fact,

it's because I just bought Tony Petrilli's motorcycle.

What?

Are you crazy?

You're actually gonna ride around the city on a bike?

It's not a bike.

A bike has baseball cards stuck in its spokes.

What I have is a motorcycle.

What you have is a desperate need to recapture your youth.

Oh, come on, John, it's such a childish clich?.

Is not.

Look, forget for the moment that it's pathetic.

Forget for the moment that you're too old for it.

The fact is, you're a menace to society on four wheels.

I can't imagine you on two.

Other than hump-busting,

did you come in here for a reason?

Yes, I came in here to tell you

that the drug rep from Kennard Pharmaceuticals

is here to see you.

Oh, and I told you,

I don't wanna talk to those drug company idiots.

Excuse me. Dr. Becker? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, miss,

you had to come all the way down here.

I-I don't have time to talk to you.

Oh, hey, you ride a bike?

Well, yeah,

as a matter of fact, I do.

Oh, it's-- It's not a bike. Thank you.

No, but you just said, it's not--

Thank you.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( laughing )

So--? So why don't I give you that ride sometime?

Well, I'm, uh, free this weekend.

Oh, great. Well, I'll give you a call then.

Okay. Great.

Bye. Bye-bye.

( chuckles )

Oh, aren't you dating Dr. Carson anymore?

What are you talking about?

She's talking about you and Liz.

Remember Liz? Pretty, red hair,

for some inexplicable reason puts up with you?

Wha--? Oh, her?

No, she's not a date.

Oh, come on, you know,

a man and a woman can't go for a ride in the country

and then have a quiet dinner without it...

Oh, boy.

Uh, yeah, Margaret,

get me out of it.

But you've gotta admit, the, uh-- The motorcycle works.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

How about roller-skating through Central Park naked at midnight?

No.

How about eating a light bulb?

Oh, you know, I can't believe it.

Are you two idiots still thinking of things

you'd do for a million bucks?

No, now we're trying to think of things

stupider than you buying that motorcycle.

JAKE: So far we can't.

Oh, I get it.

Yeah, Margaret called to tell you, huh?

No, Margaret came over here to tell us.

She wanted to see the looks on our faces.

JAKE: You know, I--

I laughed so hard

that for a second I thought I could see.

( both laughing )

So are you gonna go the whole route, Becker?

Leather pants, white scarf, little Village People hat?

( laughs )

Yeah, is it just insults today,

or could I get some coffee around here?

What? Have we been too rough on you, Becker?

Oh, that's right, I keep forgetting.

You're the one who makes fun of people,

and we're the ones who get made fun of.

Okay, so we're on the same page.

Come on, Becker, a guy your age riding a motorcycle?

That's just the kind of clich? you'd jump all over.

If it were some other guy,

you'd say he was just some pathetic old fart

tooling around the city in some sad, desperate attempt

to try to turn back the clock.

That's what you'd say.

But not me. I'm too nice.

Yeah, right.

You know, you're gonna be whistling a different tune

when I pull up on it outside.

It'll be, "Ooh, ooh, please, let me have a ride."

If it's all the same to you, I like my arms and legs,

oh, I don't know, attached. Yeah.

So how'd you learn how to ride this thing anyway?

Did you have one in college?

Huh? What are you talking about?

You do know how to ride it, don't you?

Oh, yeah, sure, of course I do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've ridden one all my life.

Nothing to it. Nothing to it.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, yeah, that's a clutch. Clutch.

Clutch.

All right, there it is. What's next?

Uh, gears, yeah. ( horn honks )

Oh, jeez.

A horn. That's-- That's cool.

( knock on door )

What?

MAN: It's Alexi, the super.

Do you have a motorcycle in there?

No.

Hey, what--? What--? What the hell are you doing?

What is that?

Oh, motorcycle.

Yeah, yeah, how'd you know?

Alexi knows everything that goes on here.

When it comes to this building, I am watchful and tough.

Like a bull dyke.

You can't keep that here.

Is dangerous.

Dangerous? Oh, come--

Hey, hey, you can't come in here and just help yourself.

Thank you.

Oh, come on, why--? Why don't you go harass some other tenant?

Like Anita in 8-K?

She's got so many johns going in and out,

she should put a turnstile in.

Don't you have a problem with that?

Yes, she charges too freaking much.

Come on, you know, I can't put that on the street.

It'll get ripped off.

Give me a couple of weeks to find a garage.

Okay. Who is this for anyway?

Your grandson?

No, it happens to be mine.

( laughs )

You know something? Just get out of here.

What is this, midlife crisis?

Get out. Go and see Anita.

She will make you feel young again.

Out!

I think I look pretty cool.

( imitating engine )

Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely cool.

( imitating engine )

( upbeat blues theme swells )

Ow!

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Mm-hm.

Morning.

You wanna tell me what happened?

Not particularly.

You hurt yourself on that stupid motorcycle, didn't you?

Oh, please, Margaret, this happened in my apartment.

If you can figure out how I injured myself on a motorcycle

in my apartment, be my guest. How about this?

You were sitting on it playing little vroom-vroom games,

and then it fell over on you and you hurt your leg.

Your friend at the Emergency Room

called and told you, didn't she?

No, she came over.

She wanted to see the look on my face.

John, please, I'm begging you, get rid of it.

If you ever actually get it out of your apartment,

you're gonna kill yourself.

All right, fine. All right, I'll get rid of it.

But quit nagging me, will you, Margaret?

John, you can't stop yourself from getting older.

Yeah, maybe, but I don't have to like it.

You know, you-- You go through your entire life

seeing yourself a certain way,

and then all of a sudden,

the rest of the world has a meeting

and decides you've changed.

Next thing you know, you--

You can't read the eye chart,

they're calling you "sir,"

they're setting you up with their mothers,

and you're making little noises when you sit down.

Do you have to go

kicking and screaming through your whole life?

Can't you do anything gracefully?

All right, fine, fine, Margaret.

I will age gracefully.

I'll-- I'll buy one of those little motorized chairs

with the little grocery basket in the front

and the little dingle bell on the handlebars.

The way you drive, you might wanna hold on to that helmet.

Hey, Dr. Becker?

Oh, I'm sorry, Linda.

Of course, you haven't had your turn, have you?

Come on in and tell me how stupid I am.

I don't think you're stupid at all.

Actually, I think it's pretty cool

that you got a motorcycle.

You do? Sure.

In fact, I understand why you got it.

When you get to a certain age,

you miss having new things to be excited about,

a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I mean, gee, Dr. Becker,

everybody needs that.

You know, something to make you feel alive.

'Cause when you don't have that,

that's when you really get old.

Thanks, Linda.

I, uh...

Thank you. It's okay.

I hope you feel better. Mm.

Linda?

I heard what you said. It was very touching.

Very sweet.

Thanks.

That's what the doctor said to my grandpa

when he got his new leg.

BECKER: I heard that!

I heard that!

( upbeat blues theme playing )

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