Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Well, the Bronx is quite the Christmas wonderland, isn't it?

I leave my apartment, first thing I see

is Santa taking a whiz in the alley.

And then in the building across the street, apparently someone

was naughty 'cause a couple of elves were takin' a TV

out of a third-story window.

Oh, yeah, yeah, let's not-- Let's not forget our friendly

neighborhood hookers.

They've put their stockings on with care,

hoping that, well, anyone soon will be there.

God, Becker, you remind me of that Christmas movie

where the miserable guy jumps off the bridge,

and everyone lives their life as if he was never there.

It's A Wonderful Life.

It would be, wouldn't it?

JAKE: Come on, John,

how can you not enjoy Christmas?

It's the one time where people go out of their way

to be nice to each other.

You mean like the guy who sold you those Christmas decorations?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, he gave me a good deal. Why?

You wanna tell him, Reg?

Uh, Jake, you're hanging up

a bunch of shamrocks and leprechauns.

This isn't Frosty?

It sure feels like Frosty.

Becker, you never told me if you and Liz

were coming to my Christmas party.

Liz is going to be with her sister in Baltimore.

Oh, she didn't invite you to go with her?

Of course not.

That's why I like her.

So are you coming to my party?

Ah, Reg, you know, thanks for asking,

but I'm gonna stay home and be by myself.

I'm not big on Christmas parties.

Party? You're having a Christmas party?

Nobody invited me.

Oh, Bob, how thoughtless of me.

I completely forgot to tell you.

You're not invited.

Why would you have a party and not invite Bob?

Bob, it's not exactly the riddle of the sphinx.

She doesn't like you.

Come on, Reg.

If Bob waited to go to places where people liked him,

he'd never go anywhere.

Besides, you know Bob's gonna show up anyway.

Yeah, like mold on cheese.

Now, before I get any more depressed,

I'm going to go downtown and get my tree.

BECKER: Why go all the way downtown?

It's sort of a tradition.

My dad and I used to go downtown to get a tree when I was a kid.

Uh, Reg, one question before you go.

Is this the baby Jesus?

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

That's right, Friday's Christmas Eve,

and we're closing at 2:00.

Mm-hm.

Closing early? What's that about?

It's about those of us with lives going to Reggie's party.

You can do whatever it is you do.

Mr. Remick is in Room 1.

Dr. Becker, do you wanna be a part

of the office Secret Santa gift exchange?

No. See, we pull names out of a hat.

No. And then we give a present

to whoever we pick.

( whispering ): It's a secret.

( whispering ): No.

Well, Margaret, looks like it's just

you and me for Secret Santa.

Linda, you realize that without Dr. Becker, it's just--

I'm not saying who I got.

( "Deck the Halls" playing )

( inaudible speech )

( blues theme playing )

Jake. Hey.

Mr. Williams.

What're you doin' back there?

Reggie's gone, people were hungry, I thought I'd help out.

She's not gonna like you touchin' her things.

If Bob only touched things people wanted him to touch,

he'd never touch anything.

You really oughta try this.

His food's not half as greasy as he is.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

That's so good I'm not even goin' to think

about whether or not you washed your hands.

Let's say I did.

So,

Dr. Becker,

you got anything planned for Christmas?

Family? Dinner? Caroling?

No, no, and oh, my God, no.

I'm just gonna stay home and talk to nobody

and pray nobody talks to me.

What a shame.

All that good cheer going to waste.

All right, everybody. You ready?

What do you think?

About what?

My Christmas lights.

Not on, Jake. JAKE: Oh, okay.

Okay, how about now?

Still nothing. JAKE: Okay.

All right, how about now?

Hey, Helen Keller, do I need to spell it into your hand?

The lights are not on.

Okay, okay, I get it, I get it. Sorry.

All right,

how about now?

( all voicing approval )

( Jake chuckles )

Hey, it's the stick with a stick.

WILLIAMS: What happened to your, uh--

Nobody say a word.

Yeah, but, Reg, your tree--

Nobody say a word.

We're gonna enjoy this damn tree.

We're gonna have a damn party.

And it's gonna be the best damn Christmas ever.

That's just what my dad used to say.

( blues theme playing )

All right, I-I give up.

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm Joseph.

You know, from the Christmas pageant over at Saint Mark's.

Oh, yeah, all right.

So, Joseph, what the hell happened to your face?

Mary smacked me in the head with the baby Jesus.

Because?

It's a simple misunderstanding.

You know how in the traditional story Mary rides in on a donkey?

Yeah, I've seen the movie.

Well, this year the donkey

was a particularly fine-looking animal,

and I merely made mention of that fact.

You told the Virgin Mary she had a nice ass, didn't you?

Come on, doc, it's Donna from the drugstore.

She's playing a virgin?

Boy, talk about a Christmas miracle.

Hey, Margaret.

It's me, Harvey Milstead.

Think you could, uh, set me up with the doc?

I'm not doing so great today.

I feel kinda queasy.

( belches )

And, uh, could you make it quick?

I gotta get back to the department store.

All right, I'll work you in,

but you gotta put that cigar out, Harvey.

Uh, I'm sorry, I mean, Santa.

Now-- Now, take a seat, and I'll see what I can do.

Yeah, well, hurry up, it's Christmas Eve,

and I'm Saint freaking Nick.

Merry Christmas.

Little tip here, Joseph, if you wanna be authentic,

lose the sneakers.

What happened to him?

Oh, it's just another casualty of organized religion.

Look, uh, just-- Just give me a minute before you send

the next patient in, will you?

Oh, do you really need the minute?

I wanna get to Reggie's party.

Oh, fine. I'll just hold it in, Margaret.

It's starting to feel a lot like Christmas.

BECKER: It's not what I'm feeling.

Kris Kringle, you're up next.

Hey, Santa, come on, let's get a move on.

Linda, do me a favor, go over there and wake up Santa

and tell him to get his big red butt back to Room 2.

Santa?

Santa, it's time to see the doctor.

Santa, your reindeer need you.

Margaret, I think we have a problem.

Hold on, please.

What is it?

Well, I think that Santa's...dead.

I want a truck.

I want a Hot Wheel.

I want a Pok?mon.

Santa?

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

John, you know you did everything you could for Harvey.

At least take comfort in the fact that he died peacefully.

You mean on a floor in the Bronx

wearing a humiliating costume

with a kid pulling on his fake beard?

I'm trying, John.

Work with me.

Gee, Santa dying on Christmas Eve.

That's so--

So-- What's that word?

Ironic.

No, that's not it.

It's kinda like when an odd thing happens

at a really weird time.

Yes, ironic.

No, more like a bizarre coincidence.

That's ironic.

Dr. Becker, you're missing the big picture.

A man died here today.

And not just any man. That was Santa.

And on Christmas Eve.

I mean, come on, that's just so...

So--

What's that word?

I have no idea.

Oh, got it. Ooky.

John, that was the coroner's office.

There was a mix-up in the paperwork.

Someone has to go and ID Harvey.

Oh, I'm sorry, 'cause I know you were counting on going down

to Reggie's party.

Oh, I am going to that party.

You're the one with no plans.

Fine, fine.

Linda.

I would, but the last time I blew my parents off

on Christmas to go to the morgue, they got really upset.

Merry Christmas, Dr. Becker.

Merry Christmas, John.

( blues theme playing )

Anybody here? Hello?

Hey, I've been ringin' the damn bell out there for 10 minutes.

Anybody here actually work?

Sometimes.

But mostly we like to drink and get in a drawer

and see who'll stay in there the longest without freaking out.

You what?

I'm kidding. We're just havin' a party.

It's Christmas Eve.

Oh, yeah, right, so I've been told.

Look, I-- I'm just trying to ID a body here: Harvey Milstead.

He was dressed as a Santa.

You'll have to be more specific.

We got a load of Santas in today.

We got a Latino Santa, we got a Chinese Santa.

Oh, yeah, we got a Santa with a really weird ear.

Think that could be your guy?

No, no.

You wanna see him anyway?

No, I-I'll pass.

Look, no, Har-- Harvey's just-- He's just a regular Santa.

Well, feel free to browse.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

That is a weird ear.

Told you. Oh...

Uh, this is my guy.

Excellent.

Fill out what you know and sign here.

Hey, you want a cold one?

What?

A beer.

Oh.

Yeah, why not?

All these Santas dying on Christmas Eve,

pretty ironic, don't you think?

Yes!

Yes, ironic.

That's exactly what it is, thank you.

Here. Oh, yeah, hold on.

Let me look at this.

If you're hungry, there's some shrimp in there.

Yeah, thank you.

Oh.

Yeah, uh, I'm not that hungry, actually.

Do you know his next of kin?

Hm? No, no, I-I don't know him that well.

Well, at least he won't be a John Doe.

You'd be surprised how many guys slip through the cracks.

No friends, no family, no one to claim them.

I mean, imagine being so alone on Christmas

that nobody knows you're gone.

Yeah, imagine that.

I don't wanna hold you up.

Uh, I got a party to go to. I'm sure you got plans.

Yeah, yeah, I got plans. Well, see you.

Eventually.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

REGGIE: Merry Christmas.

Thank you for coming.

Hey, I heard you made the food. It's really amazing.

Thank you.

You know, I'm, uh,

available for private parties.

Oh, I don't really have that many people over.

Good, that'll make it more private.

( laughing awkwardly )

I'm gonna go talk to someone else now.

Say, Reg, I, uh, know I went a little overboard

on the Christmas lights.

Uh, I hope it's not too much.

No, Jake, it's fine.

Very subtle.

Hey, Margaret, the party's almost over.

Let's open our gifts.

Oh, okay. You first.

Wow, an alarm clock.

I've never had an alarm clock before.

I've always just gotten up when I felt like it.

I know.

Well, thank you. It's a lovely gift.

Now your turn.

Okay.

( gasps )

Oh, a shawl.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I--

It's just like the one my grandmother had.

I know, you once mentioned how much you loved it,

so I called your sister and had her describe it to me.

Then I took a class to learn how to knit.

And I spent the last six months making it for you.

But, hey, thanks for the clock.

Good night, Reg.

Thanks for letting Bob come to your party.

Thank you, Bob.

And your food was pretty good.

Merry Christmas.

Bob is touched.

Speaking of touching...

How about a little Christmas hug?

Just a second.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, that's enough.

I said, that's enough.

Reg, uh, can I have my coat back?

Oh, my God!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Reg. Merry Christmas.

Nice party.

ALL: Oh!

What? Nothing.

( all groan )

What?

Nothing.

WOMAN: Thanks for the party. REGGIE: Oh, good night, guys.

Merry Christmas.

Bye.

Oh, wait, where is everybody going?

Party over already?

Well, yeah.

Gee, Becker, I didn't think you were coming.

Well, you know, it's-- It's on the way home, you know.

Well, you know, it's been a hell of a day, Reg.

Let me have a cup of coffee, will you?

Oh, gee, Becker, you know, I-I'm just closing up.

I-I have a train to catch. I...

Oh, okay.

You know, I mean, it's because I have to go spend Christmas

with my aunt in Connecticut.

It's no problem, I just came by for a cigarette, that's all.

Well, you have a-- You have a good time.

See you in a couple of days.

Yeah, you too, Becker.

Merry Christmas.

( blues theme playing )

( knock on door )

Oh, hey, how you doing?

Wanna come in?

What're you, drunk? I mean, you're always so mean to me.

It's Christmas.

I was trying to be nice.

Yeah? Then why don't you try tipping for a change?

Don't get carried away, pal.

( knock on door )

I told you before, no tips.

It's nice to know you say that to other people too.

What are you doin' here? I thought you were--

Now, don't go nuts, I just thought since you were

the only one who didn't have any place to...

I mean, you know, you didn't have anybody to...

Look, I just figured since I'd be gone for a couple of days

that somebody should enjoy my tree.

Oh.

At least, what's left of it.

Oh, well, that-- That's, uh-- That's very nice, Reg.

Thank you.

( sighs )

Okay, then. Uh, well, since you're not big on hugging,

I'll just go.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

( "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" playing )

Ah!

( upbeat blues theme playing )

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