Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, my God.

You know, what is it with these damn perfume samples

in magazines?

I mean, is it too much to ask to be able to go out

to my mailbox, take out my Esquire,

and read it without smelling like a French whore?

Sorry, if you're French.

Or a whore.

Wait, wait, hold on a second, John.

Let's back this up.

You got that magazine out of your mailbox?

Yeah. So you mean to tell me,

your friend who sells magazines

to eke out his meager living, that, well,

you actually subscribe to one?

I didn't mean to tell you. It just slipped out.

Ah, hey, Reg.

Cup of coffee, please.

What are you doing?

Oh, I decided to take your advice

and go back to school.

Oh, well, if it's cooking school, I'll pay for it.

Thank you for your support.

So, Jake, you decide what you're gonna do for Kira's birthday?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who's Kira?

My girlfriend. I've been dating her for a month.

Don't you ever listen to me?

Jake, what you don't realize is half the time you're talking,

I'm not even in the room.

Well, anyway,

Kira said she doesn't wanna do anything special.

She just wants a nice, quiet evening at home.

Oh, well, that makes it easy.

BECKER: Yeah, careful, okay?

In girl talk, "quiet evening at home"

means what she really wants is a surprise party

with 30 of her closest friends.

Where do you get this stuff?

Certainly not from magazines he buys from me.

Oh, let-- Let it go.

It's a medical fact: Men say what they mean,

women set traps to see if you can guess what they mean.

Oh, please.

You know what? I hate to say it, Reggie,

but Mr. Subscription here is right.

Don't let Becker suck you into this.

You know nothing about women.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what I do know

is if you wanna know about women,

you don't ask a woman.

I mean, think about it.

You wanna know about meat, do you ask the cow?

Excuse me.

"Cow"?

I mean, if you're gonna say something that stupid,

you could at least fake a stroke.

Becker, you know so little about women,

it's hard to believe you actually came from one.

Hey, that was the best relationship

I ever had with a woman.

My mother fed me, she kept me warm,

( louder ): and we didn't have to talk to each other.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, that's great. Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, lay off the cupcakes, will you, Mrs. Matlin.

You're only in your fifth month.

If she keeps this up,

they're gonna be televising that kid's birth from SeaWorld.

( door closes )

Hey, where the hell is Linda?

It's 11:00.

John, I don't even know where the hell she is

when she's here.

Uh, Doug Wilson? Yeah.

Uh, come this way, Doug.

Okay.

MARGARET: Morning, Linda.

Oh, good, you're here.

Where have you been?

Okay, here's the thing.

I don't know.

Honestly.

I went out clubbing last night,

and I don't know whose apartment I slept at,

or why they live in a pet store.

This morning, I get up. I go wandering around

trying to figure out what neighborhood I'm in.

I see a Starbucks, a Gap, and a Blockbuster.

That didn't exactly narrow it down.

So then I thought if I--

Linda, I don't care where you wake up, when you wake up,

whom you wake up with.

That is none of my business.

Oh, what a relief.

But where you are at 9 a.m., completely my business.

You know, this may come as a surprise to you,

but there is more to life than partying every night.

Jeez, Margaret,

it's not like I'm married

or dead or something.

What I meant was, maybe it's time

you found something productive to do with your free time.

Maybe volunteer for a charity.

I do, and it makes me feel worthwhile.

Yet you still have enough time to bust my hump.

Oh, that I do for me.

Well, Doug, it's definitely bursitis.

Oh, I can't have bursitis.

My grandmother has bursitis.

Well, now you'll have something to talk to her about.

I'm gonna give you a little shot of cortisone here.

Should help with the inflammation

and, hopefully, the pain.

Ah-- Ah, gee, you don't have anything for the pain

caused by that shot?

Grow up, will you?

There you go.

Oh, oh, okay. Uh, listen,

this isn't gonna make me tired, is it?

I've got-- I've got a date tonight.

Oh, you'll be fine. Oh, good.

Good. Good, 'cause it's our--

Our first date, and I'm takin' her to the River Caf�.

( chuckles ) Yeah.

Then what, a hansom cab ride through the park?

Single rose bought from a street vendor?

Yeah.

What, no--? No--? No good?

Well, it's kind of the original first-date clich�, isn't it?

You know what you ought to do if you're going

all the way out there, you ought to check out

the place across the street called Lombardi's.

This little hole-in-the-wall pizza place.

You know, it's amazing food.

Well, yeah, but I already rented a town car,

and I t-told my date to dress up.

Yeah, it's even better, you know?

You'll surprise her.

Just throw her a curve ball.

Women seem to find that kind of crap charming.

Who knows why.

( chuckles ) Hm.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Did my sister call?

I didn't know you had a sister.

Yeah, her name's Maureen. I got her yesterday.

Linda,

and I don't say this often, you have my attention.

Well, I decided to take your advice,

and I joined a charity.

It's so hard to pick one.

I thought about volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House,

you know, in case I got hungry.

Then it occurred to me that I always wanted a big sister,

so I went to Big Sisters,

but all they had in stock were little sisters,

so I took one of those.

She's coming by today,

and I'd like to take her someplace nice for lunch.

Can I borrow $30?

Linda, you borrowed $30 from me last week.

Oh, right.

Dr. Becker, can I borrow $60?

( door opens )

Hi, Maureen. This is Margaret.

Remember I told you about her?

Hello, Maureen.

It's "Maureen."

That's what I said.

Forget it.

Look, Moon Unit, I got a busy day.

Are you taking me to lunch or not?

Yeah, let's go.

Maureen, isn't today a school day?

Oh, didn't you get the memo?

We got off for Mind Your Own Business Day.

I got a memo for you, Morticia.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, Reg. Jake.

Hey, did you figure out what to do

with your girlfriend's birthday?

Ah, yeah. I decided against the party

and the quiet evening at home.

Figured I can't go wrong with jewelry.

Ah, good choice, good choice.

Dangle something shiny at 'em and women just melt.

Yeah.

God, you're an ass.

Jake, if you want to do something really special,

I know what you should do.

You should get all dressed up, rent a limo,

and take her out for pizza.

There's this great place right across from the River Caf�

called Lombardi's.

Lombardi's?

Yeah, this guy I'm seeing, Doug,

he took me there last night.

Last night?

Jeez, John, I think my blindness

is spreading to your ears.

Well, Re-- Reg, isn't that place--?

I don't know, a little, uh, you know,

downscale for a first date?

See? That shows how little you know.

Expensive restaurants are so clich�.

Now, pizza and a limo, that's adorable.

Yeah, well, Reg, the funny thing is I--

You know, I should really get you together with this guy,

'cause, unlike you, he really does know about women.

I see. And--? And you're saying that I don't?

Do you see this disgusting piece of gristle?

It knows more about women than you do.

Hey, where's my lunch?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, this is good.

Yeah, this is the best ever.

Yeah, I'm happy for Reg.

It seems like she met a really nice guy.

No, no, not that-- Not that.

W-Wait till-- Wait till you hear this.

You're not gonna believe this.

You know the, uh--? The guy Doug she's dating?

Well, he's my patient.

I'm the one who told him to take his date to Lombardi's.

I just didn't know it was Reg until now.

( scoffs )

You recommended a restaurant. Big deal.

No, y-you're-- You're missing the big picture here, Jake.

See, she says that I don't know anything about women, right?

Well, I can use this as proof that I do.

You're gonna ruin this for her, aren't you?

This has-- This has nothing to do with her, Jake.

I'm just gonna wait until she tells me

that she's found her perfect man,

then I'm gonna tell her for all intents and purposes,

it's me.

No-- No good can come out of this.

Oh, come on.

How often do I get to say, "I told you so"?

You say that all the time.

Yeah, but this time I'm right.

You say that all time too.

Yeah, well, perhaps if more people

started paying attention to me,

I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, thanks for helping me clean out my closet last night.

That outfit looks much better on you than it did on me.

Maybe that's because I'm young.

( laughing )

You have such a delightful sense of humor.

So you wanna go to a movie tonight?

If I can take my friends.

I'd love to meet your friends.

Oh, you're going?

I guess it's all right.

But I wanna go shopping first.

( clears throat )

ATM card.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

PIN number? Hello?

Oh, sorry.

It's really easy to remember.

You take the number of letters in Linda. That's five.

Then you subtract three. That's the number of fingers

my ex-boyfriend has on his left hand.

Then you add the number of kids my uncle Frank has.

That's eight. Then you subtract of planets

in the solar system. That's 12.

There are nine planets.

Really?

Oh, well, then you're just gonna have to remember it.

It's 12345.

Freak.

Doug. DOUG: Hey, doc.

Oh, you know, I guess that shot really helped.

My shoulder's feeling much better.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that. Yeah.

Let's take a look here. Okay.

Oh, how was that date you had the other night?

Oh, it was great. It was great.

She is terrific.

Yeah? You know something? Mm-hm.

You're right. It is a lot better.

Mm. You be careful now.

Women don't usually reveal the full extent

of their insanity until later in the relationship.

( chuckles )

You sound like my father.

So you gonna see her again?

And now you sound like my mother.

You were right about Lombardi's,

by the way, she loved it.

But, uh, this weekend I-I think I should

probably take her someplace fancy.

( chuckles )

Well, if that's the way you wanna go.

Wait-- Wait a minute, doc-- Doc, uh, bad idea?

Well, Doug, you see, uh--

What a woman really wants is another woman.

Now you sound like my sister.

She's a colonel in the Air Force.

No, I-I didn't-- I didn't mean that.

See, they, uh-- What they want

is their men to be sensitive and caring,

you know. Go figure. Oh.

Here's what I'd do if I were you:

I would take her to your place, fix her dinner,

and then watch some sappy movie,

and, if at all possible,

see if you can squeeze out a tear at the end.

And does--? Does that really--? That really works?

Doug, there's nothing a woman likes to see more

than a man suffer, you know, give her what she wants.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, Jake.

Why don't you give me a Newsweek?

What, you don't have a subscription?

Hey, let it go, will you?

All right. You know, I would understand if it--

If it was a magazine that you didn't wanna buy in public,

like Big Butt Monthly,

or-- Or-- Or if you have a thing

for Asian chicks, you know, I--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't buy that kind of magazine.

Ah, well, you know what? If you're interested,

I got a whole stack of 'em back here.

Heh, not doing me any good.

Just drop it, will you?

But, uh, don't-- Don't throw them away either.

Hey, Becker, how you doing?

Ah, gee, Reg, you're in a good mood.

What happened? You have another great date?

As a matter of fact, I did.

Last night I went to Doug's house and we watched The Champ.

Good choice.

JAKE: Oh, I love that movie.

It always gets me at the end

when the kid goes, "Champ? Champ?"

And he made me dinner. Ooh.

Have you ever made dinner for a woman?

Think about it. If I could cook, would I eat here?

"Get up, Champ. Get up, Champ."

Hey, Jake, he doesn't get up.

He's dead.

Well, Reg, this guy seems pretty special.

Well, yeah, he is.

You know, it's interesting, Becker.

I've met this great guy who knows exactly what women want,

but you, the self-proclaimed expert,

aren't dating anyone.

I wonder why that is.

Oh, this just gets better and better.

How long are you gonna let this go on?

Oh, well, you know what they say, Jake.

You just know when the moment's right.

God, I love this.

Revenge is a big part of your life, isn't it?

You kidding me?

It's the best part of waking up.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Maureen, I know what it's like to wait for Linda.

Seems like I do it all the time.

I'll make that a whole chapter

in the biography I'm writing about you.

( door opens )

Hey, Margaret, who's up?

What, is sh--? Is she a patient?

She may be soon.

Doug Wilson is waiting in One.

Oh, good, good. Is he okay?

You normally don't see someone so often for simple bursitis.

Mar-- Margaret, bursitis is not just a physical ailment.

It can also leave terrible emotional scars.

Bursitis?

Just butt out, will you?

Freak.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

BECKER: Let's see what we got here, Doug.

Wow, your shoulder looks better.

I think you're gonna be playing racquetball in no time.

Oh, thanks, Doc. Thanks.

You know, I gotta tell you, I have never gotten

this kind of service before.

I used to belong to an HMO,

and I was never even with a doctor long enough

to tell him what was wrong.

Yeah, those guys never listen.

So tell me, h-how's it going with that--?

That--? That woman you're dating?

Oh, well, it-- It's, uh, pretty good.

We're pretty good, thanks.

And?

Well-- Well, we are going out for the third time this weekend.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You know what you're gonna do?

Any ideas?

I mean, you have been right on the money so far.

Have I?

I should probably stay low-key, right?

Well, now...

( sighs )

Doug, let's think about this.

You know, I say it's time

to pull out all the stops, you know.

Show her what she really means to you.

I don't know. Maybe it's time to surprise her

and get out of town. Oh.

You know, that's it. That's it.

Go up to Maine and get a lobster dinner.

Fly up, have dinner and then fly back.

That is perfect. It's perfect.

How--? How do you come up with this stuff?

Well, when you've screwed up with women as often as I have,

you-- You gotta learn something.

Mm-hm.

Phew. Sorry, Maureen.

There was a fire in the subway,

and the train got stuck between stations,

and then the lights went out, and that was so scary

'cause we didn't know if we'd have to crawl--

Where's my smoothie?

But that's just it.

I was trapped in the subway.

And I didn't have a chance to get--

Fine.

I'll get it myself.

Linda, how long are you gonna put up with this?

Maureen's just using you

to run her errands and buy her things.

She is taking advantage of you.

I know.

You know?

Well, then why are you--?

Margaret. Margaret. Margaret.

Don't you see?

Every teenager needs someone to loathe and despise.

It's what they do.

But, Linda--

Maureen doesn't have anyone

like that in her life,

so I'm letting her loathe and despise me.

She'll never get these years back.

I'd hate for her to miss out.

So you've actually thought this through?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I was a bit of handful at that age myself.

No, no, it's true.

But just like it did with me,

life will smack her down soon enough.

Well, if it doesn't, call me.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, Jake.

I don't see Reg around.

Me neither. What's your point?

Well, today's the big day, my friend.

Today's the day I tell her

her great romance is all because of me.

Do-- Do you really have to do this?

Jake, how long have you known me?

You're right. Silly question.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, Reg.

Say, how was the weekend?

Do anything interesting?

As a matter of fact, I did.

Friday night Doug picked me up

and said he had a surprise for me.

Oh, surprise is good.

Then we drive to the airport--

Sounds interesting.

--where he tells me we're going to Maine for lobster.

Oh, my-- What a classy guy.

Gee, Reg, you know, I-I think you got your wish.

I think you found some guy who really knows women.

No, I found a complete and total idiot.

What? Ex--? Excuse me?

Flying to Maine for dinner.

See, that's when it hit me.

Every date was so calculated, so phony.

Well, they-- They sounded great to me.

Taking a limo for pizza?

A dinner and a sad movie.

Please. I can't believe I bought into it for as long as I did.

I thought-- I thought women liked lobster.

Where do men get that crap?

Out of a 1961 Playboy?

Hey, Hef, wasn't there something

you wanted to tell Reggie?

I mean, 'cause this guy sounds like a complete moron

who knows nothing about women at all.

REGGIE: No kidding.

Oh, well, another loser.

No big deal.

( chuckling )

Heh, how does it feel to be so very, very wrong?

What? You know what?

Don't tell me now.

Wait until the moment's right.

( laughing )

Hey, you know, I wasn't wrong.

I just w--

You know, this-- This whole thing about right and wrong is--

You know-- The hell with you.

( laughing )

Jake. Is Becker gone?

Yeah.

Great. I've gotta close up.

I'm going out with Doug.

What? I thought you hated him.

No.

But you just said--

Look,

Doug and I were in the middle of our lobster dinner,

which I loved,

when he told me that his doctor, John Becker, who's an idiot,

had been giving him dating advice.

So now I have the best of both worlds.

I get to go out with this great guy

and have Becker think he's wrong.

It just doesn't get any better than that.

I was right. I knew I was right.

Yes!

Those two deserve each other.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

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