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1
00:00:01,601 --> 00:00:03,501
( upbeat blues theme playing )
2
00:00:21,653 --> 00:00:23,054
Oh, my God.
3
00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:25,757
You know, what is it with
these damn perfume samples
4
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:27,058
in magazines?
5
00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:29,127
I mean, is it too much to ask
to be able to go out
6
00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:31,429
to my mailbox,
take out my Esquire,
7
00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:35,567
and read it without smelling
like a French whore?
8
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,469
Sorry, if you're French.
9
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,804
Or a whore.
10
00:00:39,806 --> 00:00:41,173
Wait, wait,
hold on a second, John.
11
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:42,507
Let's back this up.
12
00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:44,776
You got that magazine
out of your mailbox?
13
00:00:44,778 --> 00:00:46,912
Yeah.
So you mean to tell me,
14
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:50,148
your friend who sells magazines
15
00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:52,817
to eke out his meager living,
that, well,
16
00:00:52,819 --> 00:00:54,619
you actually subscribe to one?
17
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,921
I didn't mean to tell you.
It just slipped out.
18
00:00:58,323 --> 00:00:59,891
Ah, hey, Reg.
19
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,459
Cup of coffee, please.
20
00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:04,029
What are you doing?
21
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:05,530
Oh, I decided
to take your advice
22
00:01:05,532 --> 00:01:07,299
and go back to school.
23
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:10,569
Oh, well, if it's cooking
school, I'll pay for it.
24
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,704
Thank you for your support.
25
00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:16,341
So, Jake, you decide what you're
gonna do for Kira's birthday?
26
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:17,542
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
27
00:01:17,544 --> 00:01:18,943
Who's Kira?
28
00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:20,846
My girlfriend. I've been
dating her for a month.
29
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,547
Don't you ever listen to me?
30
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:24,916
Jake, what you don't realize
is half the time you're talking,
31
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,218
I'm not even in the room.
32
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:28,920
Well, anyway,
33
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,789
Kira said she doesn't
wanna do anything special.
34
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,658
She just wants a nice,
quiet evening at home.
35
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:34,826
Oh, well, that makes it easy.
36
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:36,027
BECKER:
Yeah, careful, okay?
37
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,062
In girl talk,
"quiet evening at home"
38
00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,465
means what she really wants
is a surprise party
39
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:42,801
with 30 of her
closest friends.
40
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,503
Where do you get this stuff?
41
00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,705
Certainly not from magazines
he buys from me.
42
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,473
Oh, let--
Let it go.
43
00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,775
It's a medical fact:
Men say what they mean,
44
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:53,979
women set traps to see if you
can guess what they mean.
45
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:55,347
Oh, please.
46
00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:56,781
You know what?
I hate to say it, Reggie,
47
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,417
but Mr. Subscription here
is right.
48
00:02:00,786 --> 00:02:02,653
Don't let Becker
suck you into this.
49
00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:03,921
You know nothing about women.
50
00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:05,089
Oh, yeah?
51
00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:05,857
Well, what I do know
52
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,224
is if you wanna know
about women,
53
00:02:07,226 --> 00:02:08,927
you don't ask a woman.
54
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,094
I mean, think about it.
55
00:02:10,096 --> 00:02:13,164
You wanna know about meat,
do you ask the cow?
56
00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:17,435
Excuse me.
57
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:18,770
"Cow"?
58
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,738
I mean, if you're gonna say
something that stupid,
59
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:23,240
you could at least
fake a stroke.
60
00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:26,411
Becker, you know so little
about women,
61
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:28,312
it's hard to believe
you actually came from one.
62
00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:29,914
Hey, that was the best
relationship
63
00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:31,382
I ever had with a woman.
64
00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:33,718
My mother fed me,
she kept me warm,
65
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,654
( louder ):
and we didn't have to talk to each other.
66
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,589
( upbeat blues theme swells )
67
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,427
( upbeat blues theme playing )
68
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,168
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, that's great.
69
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,603
Yeah, lay off the cupcakes,
will you, Mrs. Matlin.
70
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:54,339
You're only
in your fifth month.
71
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,309
If she keeps this up,
72
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:01,479
they're gonna be televising
that kid's birth from SeaWorld.
73
00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:02,714
( door closes )
74
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,148
Hey, where the hell is Linda?
75
00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:05,516
It's 11:00.
76
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,185
John, I don't even know
where the hell she is
77
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,320
when she's here.
78
00:03:10,222 --> 00:03:12,224
Uh, Doug Wilson?
Yeah.
79
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,457
Uh, come this way, Doug.
80
00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:14,726
Okay.
81
00:03:17,296 --> 00:03:18,396
MARGARET:
Morning, Linda.
82
00:03:19,565 --> 00:03:22,000
Oh, good, you're here.
83
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,535
Where have you been?
84
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,036
Okay, here's the thing.
85
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,637
I don't know.
86
00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:27,638
Honestly.
87
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,173
I went out clubbing
last night,
88
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:31,209
and I don't know whose
apartment I slept at,
89
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,711
or why they live
in a pet store.
90
00:03:35,248 --> 00:03:37,315
This morning, I get up.
I go wandering around
91
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:39,150
trying to figure out
what neighborhood I'm in.
92
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:42,220
I see a Starbucks, a Gap,
and a Blockbuster.
93
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,456
That didn't exactly
narrow it down.
94
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:45,757
So then I thought if I--
95
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:49,227
Linda, I don't care where
you wake up, when you wake up,
96
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,028
whom you wake up with.
97
00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:53,564
That is none of my business.
98
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:55,733
Oh, what a relief.
99
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:59,437
But where you are at 9 a.m.,
completely my business.
100
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:01,872
You know, this may come
as a surprise to you,
101
00:04:01,874 --> 00:04:05,343
but there is more to life
than partying every night.
102
00:04:06,212 --> 00:04:07,612
Jeez, Margaret,
103
00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:08,579
it's not like I'm married
104
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:11,015
or dead or something.
105
00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:13,150
What I meant was,
maybe it's time
106
00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:16,421
you found something productive
to do with your free time.
107
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,456
Maybe volunteer for a charity.
108
00:04:18,458 --> 00:04:21,760
I do,
and it makes me feel worthwhile.
109
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,961
Yet you still have enough time
to bust my hump.
110
00:04:27,199 --> 00:04:29,834
Oh, that I do for me.
111
00:04:31,837 --> 00:04:34,939
Well, Doug,
it's definitely bursitis.
112
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,607
Oh, I can't have bursitis.
113
00:04:36,609 --> 00:04:38,677
My grandmother has bursitis.
114
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:41,779
Well, now you'll have something
to talk to her about.
115
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:44,249
I'm gonna give you a little shot
of cortisone here.
116
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:46,083
Should help
with the inflammation
117
00:04:46,085 --> 00:04:47,718
and, hopefully, the pain.
118
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,954
Ah-- Ah, gee, you don't have
anything for the pain
119
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:52,524
caused by that shot?
120
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,091
Grow up, will you?
121
00:04:54,093 --> 00:04:55,326
There you go.
122
00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:56,327
Oh, oh, okay. Uh, listen,
123
00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:57,796
this isn't gonna make me tired,
is it?
124
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,164
I've got--
I've got a date tonight.
125
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,498
Oh, you'll be fine.
Oh, good.
126
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:01,933
Good. Good, 'cause it's our--
127
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:05,469
Our first date, and I'm
takin' her to the River Caf�.
128
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:07,172
( chuckles )
Yeah.
129
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:09,607
Then what, a hansom cab ride
through the park?
130
00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:12,510
Single rose bought
from a street vendor?
131
00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:13,478
Yeah.
132
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,213
What, no--? No--? No good?
133
00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:18,349
Well, it's kind of the original
first-date clich�, isn't it?
134
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,018
You know what you ought to do
if you're going
135
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,685
all the way out there,
you ought to check out
136
00:05:21,687 --> 00:05:23,954
the place across the street
called Lombardi's.
137
00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:26,123
This little
hole-in-the-wall pizza place.
138
00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:27,859
You know,
it's amazing food.
139
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,094
Well, yeah, but I already
rented a town car,
140
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:32,497
and I t-told my date
to dress up.
141
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:33,597
Yeah, it's even better,
you know?
142
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:34,733
You'll surprise her.
143
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,701
Just throw her
a curve ball.
144
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:40,405
Women seem to find
that kind of crap charming.
145
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:41,406
Who knows why.
146
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:42,540
( chuckles )
Hm.
147
00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:43,975
( upbeat blues theme playing )
148
00:05:50,916 --> 00:05:52,917
Did my sister call?
149
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:54,919
I didn't know
you had a sister.
150
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:58,556
Yeah, her name's Maureen.
I got her yesterday.
151
00:05:58,558 --> 00:05:59,990
Linda,
152
00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:02,993
and I don't say this often,
you have my attention.
153
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:04,496
Well, I decided
to take your advice,
154
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,264
and I joined a charity.
155
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,865
It's so hard to pick one.
156
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:11,102
I thought about volunteering
at the Ronald McDonald House,
157
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,037
you know, in case I got hungry.
158
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:17,575
Then it occurred to me that
I always wanted a big sister,
159
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,310
so I went to Big Sisters,
160
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:21,246
but all they had in stock
were little sisters,
161
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:22,947
so I took one of those.
162
00:06:23,849 --> 00:06:25,416
She's coming by today,
163
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,285
and I'd like to take her
someplace nice for lunch.
164
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:29,287
Can I borrow $30?
165
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:31,922
Linda, you borrowed $30
from me last week.
166
00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:32,824
Oh, right.
167
00:06:35,194 --> 00:06:38,096
Dr. Becker,
can I borrow $60?
168
00:06:43,301 --> 00:06:44,468
( door opens )
169
00:06:46,872 --> 00:06:49,040
Hi, Maureen.
This is Margaret.
170
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,475
Remember
I told you about her?
171
00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:52,343
Hello, Maureen.
172
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:54,145
It's "Maureen."
173
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,915
That's what I said.
174
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,582
Forget it.
175
00:07:00,386 --> 00:07:01,986
Look, Moon Unit,
I got a busy day.
176
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:03,521
Are you taking me to lunch
or not?
177
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,889
Yeah, let's go.
178
00:07:05,891 --> 00:07:07,225
Maureen,
isn't today a school day?
179
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,426
Oh, didn't you get the memo?
180
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,896
We got off
for Mind Your Own Business Day.
181
00:07:13,465 --> 00:07:16,500
I got a memo for you, Morticia.
182
00:07:16,502 --> 00:07:18,402
( upbeat blues theme playing )
183
00:07:23,742 --> 00:07:26,177
Hey, Reg. Jake.
184
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,479
Hey, did you figure out
what to do
185
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:28,847
with your girlfriend's
birthday?
186
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,648
Ah, yeah.
I decided against the party
187
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:32,416
and the quiet evening at home.
188
00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:33,918
Figured I can't go wrong
with jewelry.
189
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,286
Ah, good choice,
good choice.
190
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,555
Dangle something shiny at 'em
and women just melt.
191
00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:38,723
Yeah.
192
00:07:39,591 --> 00:07:41,926
God, you're an ass.
193
00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:46,798
Jake, if you want to do
something really special,
194
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,966
I know what you should do.
195
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,134
You should get all dressed up,
rent a limo,
196
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,970
and take her out for pizza.
197
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,372
There's this great place
right across from the River Caf�
198
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:55,807
called Lombardi's.
199
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,075
Lombardi's?
200
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,742
Yeah, this guy I'm seeing,
Doug,
201
00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:01,112
he took me there last night.
202
00:08:03,215 --> 00:08:04,782
Last night?
203
00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:05,816
Jeez, John,
I think my blindness
204
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,785
is spreading
to your ears.
205
00:08:09,221 --> 00:08:11,089
Well, Re-- Reg,
isn't that place--?
206
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,489
I don't know, a little,
uh, you know,
207
00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:15,126
downscale for a first date?
208
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:17,394
See?
That shows how little you know.
209
00:08:17,396 --> 00:08:19,864
Expensive restaurants
are so clich�.
210
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:24,068
Now, pizza and a limo,
that's adorable.
211
00:08:25,538 --> 00:08:27,906
Yeah, well, Reg,
the funny thing is I--
212
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,907
You know, I should really
get you together with this guy,
213
00:08:29,909 --> 00:08:32,276
'cause, unlike you,
he really does know about women.
214
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:35,046
I see. And--?
And you're saying that I don't?
215
00:08:37,215 --> 00:08:40,685
Do you see this disgusting
piece of gristle?
216
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,387
It knows more about women
than you do.
217
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:46,323
Hey, where's my lunch?
218
00:08:46,325 --> 00:08:47,725
Oh, sorry.
219
00:08:53,799 --> 00:08:55,900
Oh, this is good.
220
00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:58,836
Yeah, this is the best ever.
221
00:08:58,838 --> 00:08:59,804
Yeah, I'm happy for Reg.
222
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,673
It seems like she met
a really nice guy.
223
00:09:01,675 --> 00:09:03,408
No, no, not that-- Not that.
224
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,776
W-Wait till--
Wait till you hear this.
225
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,244
You're not gonna
believe this.
226
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:09,380
You know the, uh--?
The guy Doug she's dating?
227
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,781
Well, he's my patient.
228
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:13,718
I'm the one who told him
to take his date to Lombardi's.
229
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,586
I just didn't know it was Reg
until now.
230
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:16,654
( scoffs )
231
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:19,057
You recommended a restaurant.
Big deal.
232
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,091
No, y-you're-- You're missing
the big picture here, Jake.
233
00:09:21,093 --> 00:09:23,428
See, she says that I don't know
anything about women, right?
234
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:25,763
Well, I can use this
as proof that I do.
235
00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:30,601
You're gonna ruin this for her,
aren't you?
236
00:09:30,603 --> 00:09:32,636
This has-- This has nothing
to do with her, Jake.
237
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:34,439
I'm just gonna wait
until she tells me
238
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,140
that she's found
her perfect man,
239
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,476
then I'm gonna tell her
for all intents and purposes,
240
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:39,844
it's me.
241
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:41,012
No-- No good
can come out of this.
242
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,146
Oh, come on.
243
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,582
How often do I get to say,
"I told you so"?
244
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,783
You say that all the time.
245
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:48,953
Yeah, but this time I'm right.
246
00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,121
You say that all time too.
247
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,822
Yeah, well,
perhaps if more people
248
00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:53,124
started paying
attention to me,
249
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,126
I wouldn't have to keep
repeating myself.
250
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,894
( upbeat blues theme swells )
251
00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:01,999
( upbeat blues theme playing )
252
00:10:07,205 --> 00:10:09,907
Hey, thanks for helping me
clean out my closet last night.
253
00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:13,411
That outfit looks much better
on you than it did on me.
254
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,847
Maybe that's because I'm young.
255
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,248
( laughing )
256
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,950
You have such a delightful
sense of humor.
257
00:10:24,422 --> 00:10:26,658
So you wanna go
to a movie tonight?
258
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,359
If I can take my friends.
259
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,094
I'd love to meet your friends.
260
00:10:30,096 --> 00:10:32,363
Oh, you're going?
261
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:33,598
I guess it's all right.
262
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,433
But I wanna go shopping first.
263
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:36,501
( clears throat )
264
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:39,303
ATM card.
265
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:42,339
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
266
00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:45,276
PIN number? Hello?
267
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:47,144
Oh, sorry.
268
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:49,513
It's really easy to remember.
269
00:10:53,118 --> 00:10:55,652
You take the number of letters
in Linda. That's five.
270
00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:57,754
Then you subtract three.
That's the number of fingers
271
00:10:57,756 --> 00:10:59,991
my ex-boyfriend
has on his left hand.
272
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,894
Then you add the number of kids
my uncle Frank has.
273
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,896
That's eight.
Then you subtract of planets
274
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,664
in the solar system.
That's 12.
275
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,533
There are nine planets.
276
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,501
Really?
277
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,537
Oh, well, then you're just gonna
have to remember it.
278
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,738
It's 12345.
279
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:18,142
Freak.
280
00:11:20,145 --> 00:11:21,478
Doug.
DOUG: Hey, doc.
281
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,047
Oh, you know,
I guess that shot really helped.
282
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,415
My shoulder's feeling
much better.
283
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:25,716
Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
Yeah.
284
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:26,884
Let's take a look here.
Okay.
285
00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:29,687
Oh, how was that date
you had the other night?
286
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:30,754
Oh, it was great.
It was great.
287
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:32,456
She is terrific.
288
00:11:32,458 --> 00:11:33,791
Yeah? You know something?
Mm-hm.
289
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,059
You're right.
It is a lot better.
290
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:36,226
Mm.
You be careful now.
291
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:38,095
Women don't usually reveal
the full extent
292
00:11:38,097 --> 00:11:41,766
of their insanity until
later in the relationship.
293
00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:42,533
( chuckles )
294
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,502
You sound like my father.
295
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,704
So you gonna see her again?
296
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,306
And now you sound
like my mother.
297
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:52,176
You were right
about Lombardi's,
298
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:53,610
by the way,
she loved it.
299
00:11:53,612 --> 00:11:55,379
But, uh, this weekend
I-I think I should
300
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,414
probably take her
someplace fancy.
301
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:58,715
( chuckles )
302
00:11:58,717 --> 00:12:01,719
Well, if that's the way
you wanna go.
303
00:12:02,787 --> 00:12:06,456
Wait-- Wait a minute, doc--
Doc, uh, bad idea?
304
00:12:06,458 --> 00:12:09,693
Well, Doug, you see, uh--
305
00:12:09,695 --> 00:12:12,063
What a woman really
wants is another woman.
306
00:12:14,566 --> 00:12:16,166
Now you sound like my sister.
307
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:19,170
She's a colonel
in the Air Force.
308
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,504
No, I-I didn't--
I didn't mean that.
309
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:21,838
See, they, uh--
What they want
310
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,840
is their men to be sensitive
and caring,
311
00:12:23,842 --> 00:12:25,343
you know. Go figure.
Oh.
312
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,145
Here's what I'd do
if I were you:
313
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:29,647
I would take her to your place,
fix her dinner,
314
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:32,350
and then watch
some sappy movie,
315
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,151
and, if at all possible,
316
00:12:34,153 --> 00:12:37,955
see if you can squeeze out
a tear at the end.
317
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:40,224
And does--? Does that really--?
That really works?
318
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:42,259
Doug, there's nothing
a woman likes to see more
319
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,628
than a man suffer, you know,
give her what she wants.
320
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:46,430
( upbeat blues theme playing )
321
00:12:54,172 --> 00:12:55,439
Hey, Jake.
322
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,108
Why don't you give
me a Newsweek?
323
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,775
What, you don't have
a subscription?
324
00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:01,946
Hey, let it go, will you?
325
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,780
All right. You know,
I would understand if it--
326
00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:05,916
If it was a magazine that you
didn't wanna buy in public,
327
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:07,651
like Big Butt Monthly,
328
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:08,919
or-- Or--
Or if you have a thing
329
00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:10,887
for Asian chicks,
you know, I--
330
00:13:10,889 --> 00:13:12,890
Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't buy
that kind of magazine.
331
00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:15,092
Ah, well, you know what?
If you're interested,
332
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:16,760
I got a whole stack of 'em
back here.
333
00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:19,163
Heh, not doing me any good.
334
00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:21,865
Just drop it, will you?
335
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:25,436
But, uh, don't--
Don't throw them away either.
336
00:13:28,106 --> 00:13:30,341
Hey, Becker, how you doing?
337
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,510
Ah, gee, Reg,
you're in a good mood.
338
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,179
What happened?
You have another great date?
339
00:13:35,181 --> 00:13:37,582
As a matter of fact, I did.
340
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:40,450
Last night I went to Doug's
house and we watched The Champ.
341
00:13:40,452 --> 00:13:42,553
Good choice.
342
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:43,854
JAKE:
Oh, I love that movie.
343
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:44,922
It always gets me at the end
344
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:48,692
when the kid goes,
"Champ? Champ?"
345
00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:50,794
And he made me dinner.
Ooh.
346
00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:52,864
Have you ever made dinner
for a woman?
347
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,866
Think about it. If I could cook,
would I eat here?
348
00:13:57,269 --> 00:13:59,570
"Get up, Champ. Get up, Champ."
349
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:02,172
Hey, Jake,
he doesn't get up.
350
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:03,641
He's dead.
351
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:12,950
Well, Reg, this guy
seems pretty special.
352
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,718
Well, yeah, he is.
353
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,554
You know,
it's interesting, Becker.
354
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:20,991
I've met this great guy who
knows exactly what women want,
355
00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:25,129
but you,
the self-proclaimed expert,
356
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:27,531
aren't dating anyone.
357
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,266
I wonder why that is.
358
00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:36,106
Oh, this just gets
better and better.
359
00:14:37,575 --> 00:14:39,377
How long are you gonna
let this go on?
360
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,745
Oh, well,
you know what they say, Jake.
361
00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:44,548
You just know
when the moment's right.
362
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,017
God, I love this.
363
00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:49,786
Revenge is a big part
of your life, isn't it?
364
00:14:49,788 --> 00:14:50,821
You kidding me?
365
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:53,291
It's the best part of waking up.
366
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,225
( upbeat blues theme playing )
367
00:15:03,368 --> 00:15:05,536
Maureen, I know what it's like
to wait for Linda.
368
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,338
Seems like I do it all the time.
369
00:15:09,674 --> 00:15:10,908
I'll make that a whole chapter
370
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,811
in the biography
I'm writing about you.
371
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:15,179
( door opens )
372
00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:17,982
Hey, Margaret, who's up?
373
00:15:17,984 --> 00:15:19,650
What, is sh--?
Is she a patient?
374
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,618
She may be soon.
375
00:15:23,121 --> 00:15:25,056
Doug Wilson is waiting in One.
376
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:27,325
Oh, good, good.
Is he okay?
377
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:31,095
You normally don't see someone
so often for simple bursitis.
378
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:33,630
Mar-- Margaret, bursitis is not
just a physical ailment.
379
00:15:33,632 --> 00:15:37,335
It can also leave terrible
emotional scars.
380
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:38,569
Bursitis?
381
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:40,304
Just butt out, will you?
382
00:15:41,306 --> 00:15:42,706
Freak.
383
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:44,841
( upbeat blues theme playing )
384
00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:47,678
BECKER:
Let's see what we got here, Doug.
385
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,112
Wow, your shoulder looks better.
386
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:52,850
I think you're gonna be playing
racquetball in no time.
387
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:53,884
Oh, thanks, Doc.
Thanks.
388
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,652
You know, I gotta tell you,
I have never gotten
389
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,588
this kind of service before.
390
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:58,688
I used to belong to an HMO,
391
00:15:58,690 --> 00:16:00,657
and I was never even
with a doctor long enough
392
00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:01,859
to tell him what was wrong.
393
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:02,993
Yeah, those guys never listen.
394
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,662
So tell me, h-how's it going
with that--?
395
00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:07,631
That--?
That woman you're dating?
396
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,599
Oh, well, it--
It's, uh, pretty good.
397
00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:11,502
We're pretty good, thanks.
398
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:14,405
And?
399
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:17,775
Well-- Well, we are going out
for the third time this weekend.
400
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:18,743
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
401
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,444
You know what you're gonna do?
402
00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:23,748
Any ideas?
403
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,851
I mean, you have been
right on the money so far.
404
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,553
Have I?
405
00:16:30,555 --> 00:16:33,824
I should probably
stay low-key, right?
406
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:34,858
Well, now...
407
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:35,925
( sighs )
408
00:16:35,927 --> 00:16:38,529
Doug, let's think about this.
409
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:39,763
You know, I say it's time
410
00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:41,665
to pull out all the stops,
you know.
411
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,100
Show her what she really
means to you.
412
00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:46,736
I don't know.
Maybe it's time to surprise her
413
00:16:46,738 --> 00:16:48,572
and get out of town.
Oh.
414
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,273
You know, that's it.
That's it.
415
00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:53,310
Go up to Maine
and get a lobster dinner.
416
00:16:53,312 --> 00:16:57,414
Fly up, have dinner
and then fly back.
417
00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:59,783
That is perfect.
It's perfect.
418
00:16:59,785 --> 00:17:03,587
How--? How do you come up
with this stuff?
419
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:06,824
Well, when you've screwed up
with women as often as I have,
420
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:09,627
you--
You gotta learn something.
421
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:10,694
Mm-hm.
422
00:17:11,829 --> 00:17:13,363
Phew. Sorry, Maureen.
423
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:14,598
There was a fire
in the subway,
424
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,001
and the train got stuck
between stations,
425
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:19,637
and then the lights went out,
and that was so scary
426
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,271
'cause we didn't know
if we'd have to crawl--
427
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:23,306
Where's my smoothie?
428
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:24,574
But that's just it.
429
00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:25,909
I was trapped in the subway.
430
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,444
And I didn't have
a chance to get--
431
00:17:27,446 --> 00:17:29,079
Fine.
432
00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:30,447
I'll get it myself.
433
00:17:35,086 --> 00:17:37,288
Linda, how long are you
gonna put up with this?
434
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:38,655
Maureen's just using you
435
00:17:38,657 --> 00:17:40,824
to run her errands
and buy her things.
436
00:17:40,826 --> 00:17:43,160
She is taking advantage of you.
437
00:17:43,162 --> 00:17:44,795
I know.
438
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:45,729
You know?
439
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:46,997
Well, then why are you--?
440
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:50,167
Margaret. Margaret.
Margaret.
441
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:51,702
Don't you see?
442
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:55,906
Every teenager needs someone
to loathe and despise.
443
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:56,907
It's what they do.
444
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,175
But, Linda--
445
00:17:58,177 --> 00:17:59,176
Maureen doesn't have anyone
446
00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:00,411
like that in her life,
447
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,447
so I'm letting her
loathe and despise me.
448
00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:04,814
She'll never get
these years back.
449
00:18:04,816 --> 00:18:07,384
I'd hate for her to miss out.
450
00:18:07,386 --> 00:18:10,588
So you've actually
thought this through?
451
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:14,090
Oh, yeah.
452
00:18:14,092 --> 00:18:18,595
You know, I was a bit of handful
at that age myself.
453
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:22,466
No, no, it's true.
454
00:18:22,468 --> 00:18:24,334
But just like it did with me,
455
00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:27,938
life will smack her down
soon enough.
456
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:31,508
Well, if it doesn't, call me.
457
00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,444
( upbeat blues theme swells )
458
00:18:36,347 --> 00:18:38,281
( upbeat blues theme playing )
459
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:45,756
Hey, Jake.
460
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,391
I don't see Reg around.
461
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:50,427
Me neither.
What's your point?
462
00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:52,362
Well, today's the big day,
my friend.
463
00:18:52,364 --> 00:18:53,496
Today's the day I tell her
464
00:18:53,498 --> 00:18:57,234
her great romance
is all because of me.
465
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,569
Do-- Do you really
have to do this?
466
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,437
Jake, how long
have you known me?
467
00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:01,905
You're right. Silly question.
468
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,307
Yeah.
469
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,276
Oh, hey, Reg.
470
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,010
Say, how was the weekend?
471
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:08,779
Do anything interesting?
472
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,748
As a matter of fact, I did.
473
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,082
Friday night Doug picked me up
474
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,751
and said he had
a surprise for me.
475
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,686
Oh, surprise is good.
476
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,088
Then we drive to the airport--
477
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:19,990
Sounds interesting.
478
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:23,360
--where he tells me we're
going to Maine for lobster.
479
00:19:23,362 --> 00:19:26,129
Oh, my--
What a classy guy.
480
00:19:26,131 --> 00:19:28,932
Gee, Reg, you know,
I-I think you got your wish.
481
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:32,770
I think you found some guy
who really knows women.
482
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:35,673
No, I found a complete
and total idiot.
483
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,841
What? Ex--? Excuse me?
484
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,710
Flying to Maine for dinner.
485
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:40,978
See, that's when it hit me.
486
00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:44,715
Every date was so calculated,
so phony.
487
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:48,219
Well, they--
They sounded great to me.
488
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,754
Taking a limo for pizza?
489
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,389
A dinner and a sad movie.
490
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:56,227
Please. I can't believe I bought
into it for as long as I did.
491
00:19:56,229 --> 00:20:00,197
I thought--
I thought women liked lobster.
492
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,699
Where do men get that crap?
493
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,468
Out of a 1961 Playboy?
494
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:07,037
Hey, Hef,
wasn't there something
495
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,506
you wanted to tell Reggie?
496
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:13,910
I mean, 'cause this guy
sounds like a complete moron
497
00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:16,914
who knows nothing
about women at all.
498
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,315
REGGIE:
No kidding.
499
00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:19,950
Oh, well, another loser.
500
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,553
No big deal.
501
00:20:23,488 --> 00:20:25,488
( chuckling )
502
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:28,892
Heh, how does it feel
to be so very, very wrong?
503
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:29,893
What? You know what?
504
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,194
Don't tell me now.
505
00:20:31,196 --> 00:20:33,764
Wait until the moment's right.
506
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:35,065
( laughing )
507
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:36,366
Hey, you know, I wasn't wrong.
508
00:20:36,368 --> 00:20:37,768
I just w--
509
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:40,137
You know, this-- This whole
thing about right and wrong is--
510
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:42,506
You know-- The hell with you.
511
00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:43,740
( laughing )
512
00:20:48,980 --> 00:20:50,581
Jake. Is Becker gone?
513
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,582
Yeah.
514
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,183
Great. I've gotta close up.
515
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,919
I'm going out with Doug.
516
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,122
What? I thought you hated him.
517
00:20:58,124 --> 00:20:58,956
No.
518
00:20:58,958 --> 00:20:59,923
But you just said--
519
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,224
Look,
520
00:21:01,226 --> 00:21:03,226
Doug and I were in the middle
of our lobster dinner,
521
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:05,629
which I loved,
522
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:10,100
when he told me that his doctor,
John Becker, who's an idiot,
523
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,602
had been giving him
dating advice.
524
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:14,738
So now I have the best
of both worlds.
525
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:15,839
I get to go out
with this great guy
526
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,274
and have Becker
think he's wrong.
527
00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:23,446
It just doesn't get
any better than that.
528
00:21:26,985 --> 00:21:29,687
I was right.
I knew I was right.
529
00:21:29,689 --> 00:21:32,021
Yes!
530
00:21:33,724 --> 00:21:35,859
Those two deserve each other.
531
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:38,161
( upbeat blues theme swells )
532
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:45,002
( upbeat blues theme playing )
533
00:21:45,052 --> 00:21:49,602
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