Original subtitles

( blues theme playing )

I know, I know, I'm late. Who's up?

Uh, John, why do you have that--?

Come on, come on, who's up?

Okay, your cousin Berry called.

He finished your taxes. Oh, great.

Uh, what else you got?

Uh, um, Mr. Gordon is in 1.

Thank you. That's better.

Uh, John?

It ate my quarter.

It shouldn't have done that.

Hi.

Whoa.

I mean, hi.

I'm here to empty the hazardous waste bins.

I'm Lester from RidTox.

I'm Linda from here.

I'll just empty the bins and be on my way.

Oh, my God!

MARGARET: Linda,

reel your tongue back in.

Margaret, did you see that guy?

You could use his butt as a trampoline.

Well, this is a doctor's office.

You bounce on your own time.

But, Margaret, you have no idea how hard it is

for me to meet guys.

You? I don't mean your usual creeps,

perverts and minor criminals.

I mean professional men like Lester.

Oh, so you're saying that you want a guy

who's around chemicals and fumes all day.

Okay.

Actually,

he may be perfect for you.

( giggles )

Mr. Gordon, what's new?

I want an AIDS test.

L-l-let's go back to "What's new?"

You see, doctor, I started dating a younger woman.

She's 65.

And her parents are okay with that?

Let-- Let me ask you something.

W-when was the last time you had sex?

1986.

Well, that's what we in the medical profession

call "a very long time."

Oh.

You-- You don't need this test.

But I read the papers.

I wanna be safe and responsible.

Yeah. Any safer, you'd be in different cities.

All right, all right, if you insist.

Uh, I'm gonna have to draw some blood here

and ask you some questions.

Have you ever had a blood transfusion?

No.

Any, uh, IV drug use?

No.

Homosexual activity?

No.

And I think I'd remember.

Although I did black out for a few hours on V-J Day.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

What's with the toothpick?

You know, what are you, Neil Armstrong,

claiming this burger for all mankind?

It's a garnish, sue me.

I'm trying to give the place a lift.

If that's what you're after, why don't you try scraping

the grime off the walls

and emptying the dead bugs out of the light fixtures?

JAKE: I don't know, John.

It kind of dresses things up.

I like it.

Like it? You can't even see it.

You know, you didn't think of that, did you, Reg?

I mean, Jake here could put his eye out

with one of these things,

or I could puncture the roof of my mouth.

This puncture,

would it shut you up for a couple of days?

Yeah, bite me.

( grunts )

Jake, grabbing a paper here. All right.

( phone rings )

Hello? Margaret.

Yeah, he is here. Do you wanna--?

Okay, I'll tell him.

Uh, Margaret said to tell you

that your accountant's on his way over here.

Oh, crap.

I gotta get outta here.

You're afraid of an accountant?

You are a pansy.

You know, shut up, will you?

The guy's also my cousin. He's a real pain in the ass.

Hi, Berry.

Heh-heh-heh-heh. Hey.

How you doing, buddy?

H-how did you find me?

Well, it wasn't too tough.

You have 365 receipts

from the same restaurant.

Uh, Reg, Jake, this is my cousin, Berry Becker.

Hey.

( shouts ): How you doing?

So, John, I got your tax return.

You know, I got you one hell of a refund

for someone who doesn't make much money.

Oh, thanks for sharing that with everybody.

Hey, Reg, can I get a cup of coffee?

Oh, sure, Berry. No problem.

Oh, God, you're staying?

So you knew John as a kid, huh?

( all chuckle )

Let me ask you a question--

Exactly the same. He just bitched in a higher voice.

( Jake and Reg chuckle )

Here you go, John.

What do I owe you? Tell you what.

Why don't you come over to the house for dinner,

and we'll just call it even?

Can I just pay you?

Come on, Melissa's dying to see you,

and how often do we ask you over to the house?

Once a year.

Come over tonight, it'll be fun.

"Fun" and "Becker": Two words that don't often bump up

against each other.

Shut up, will you, Jake? Listen, I can't do it.

I'm afraid, uh, I got something tonight with Reg.

You remember we were gonna go to that place?

Oh, no!

See, it turns out that place is closed for renovation.

They have to scrape the grime off the walls

and empty the dead bugs out of the light fixtures.

Terrific, so we're on.

No, no, not yet. See, I got confused here.

Jake, this is the night I'm supposed to take you

to see that guy, right?

Oh, I can talk now? I don't have to shut up?

Hey, don't-- No.

That's not until next week.

( chuckles )

John, if I am one thing, what am I?

Annoying? No, persistent.

And you know I'm just gonna keep bugging you

and bugging you until you say yes.

All right, yes. I'll be there.

See? Ha-ha-ha.

Tonight, 6:00. See you then.

Nice to meet you two.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, this is great.

Now I gotta drive all the way out to New Jersey

in the middle of rush hour.

Yeah, I barely know the guy.

The only thing we have in common is a hundred years ago

my great-grandpa knocked up his great-grandma.

Reg, let me have two of my cigarettes there,

will you please?

I'm gonna need them to get through this night.

Good, Becker. Killing your pain with cigarettes.

Hey, how many times I gotta tell you,

you kill pain with liquor.

You ease stress with cigarettes.

BECKER: You know, y-you don't

have to be a doctor to know this stuff, Reg.

( blues theme playing )

Well... Ha-ha.

I must say, John, I was pleasantly surprised

when Berry called and told me you were coming.

I just wished I'd had a little more notice.

Well, I tried-- I tried to call you, sweetheart,

but the line was busy for over two hours.

So how is your mother, by the way? Heh-heh-heh.

Oh, he never misses a chance

to take a swipe at my mother.

Well, everybody needs a hobby. Am I right, John?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

( Melissa laughs )

Well, I thought you had a hobby, dear.

Sitting in front of that big screen TV,

watching every sports event under the sun.

It kills her that there's one pleasure

she hasn't denied me yet.

Hee-hee. Believe me, it's on my list.

( giggles )

Oh. Oh, John, we're a smoke-free house.

Yeah, what about the neighbors?

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, you-- You kill me.

So, John, you wanna see pictures of the kids?

God, no. I-I mean...

you know, God, not again.

( bell dings )

Oh. Ah.

Time to take the roast out of the oven.

Oh, that's okay, Berry. I'll get it.

What the hell's goin' on here?

What are you talking about? The two of you.

It's like you're about ready to kill each other.

What? No, just normal husband-wife stuff.

Although she is a little annoyed

you just popped over here like this.

Well, didn't you tell her you invited me?

Hey, hey, hey, I'm on your side.

Side? You know, why do we need sides?

Dammit, Berry, this always happens.

You're always dragging me into the middle of your crap!

What? What was it the last time?

The great vasectomy debate.

Yeah, thanks a lot, by the way.

Ouch!

John, you've forgotten what it's like to be married, haven't you?

No, I haven't. This is exactly what it's like, you know.

You could cut the tension with a knife.

( laughs ): You think this is tense?

Oh, yeah, you should've been here last summer.

It was crazy.

I was having the house painted,

her brother was going through detox in the den,

and then I was having that little thing with my secretary.

What?

You had an affair?

No, not an affair, a thing. It was one time.

Ancient history. Everything's fine now.

MELISSA: The dinner rolls are browning, and then we'll be ready to eat.

It's taking a little longer than I expected,

but it's the best I can do with that old oven.

BERRY: Melissa, don't start.

Old oven, new oven.

What's the difference? Heat is heat.

Am I right, John?

Who cares?

All you have to do in this house is mention anything new,

and Berry thinks it's a complete waste of money.

She wouldn't be saying that if she were the one out there

busting her ass to make the money.

Hey, what do--? What do you say

we look at some kids' pictures, huh?

( sighs ) That's right. I don't work.

I just stay at home and take care of the children.

And I'm the only one on the block

who does it without any help.

Good for you. That's--

If she wants help, she should get the therapist

to come over here and vacuum

while she bitches about her mother.

Well, at least my mother lets me live my own life.

He still calls his "Mommy."

It's a term of affection.

You remember affection, don't you?

It's a distant memory,

much like our sex life.

Oh, you know, that's it. I've had it!

You know, there's a kind of insanity

back in the city that I understand, but you two,

you've taken crazy to a whole new level.

I mean, this is why I hate coming to New Jersey.

Far as I'm concerned, they should tear down the bridge

and block both the tunnels.

Is this what you people do in suburbia?

Argue about appliances and money?

Have affairs, go to therapy?

Affairs?

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Little tip:

No matter how much someone begs you,

never ever get involved with family.

It just bites you in the ass. What happened?

I got involved with family, and it bit me in the ass.

Pay attention, will you?

I thought you just went there for dinner.

What did you do? I didn't do anything.

Berry and his wife got in a big fight,

and now he's living with me.

You know, it's--

It's only been one night,

a-and his mood swings are driving me crazy.

You know, if he's not pacing around,

speed-loading Oreos,

he's curled up in a fetal position,

moaning about how no one will ever love him again.

I swear, you know, if I wanted to live with a chick,

I'd get married again.

There's so much that offends me in that sentence,

I don't even know where to begin.

Morning, Reggie, Jake.

Oh, brother.

Oh, John, when I woke up this morning, you were gone.

Did you have an appointment to wreck someone else's life?

For the 50th time,

I thought she knew about the affair.

Y-you told me like it was no big deal.

It was no big deal because my wife didn't know about it!

Gee, Becker, I know I'm just a chick,

but it seems like you left a little something

out of that story.

So you opened your big mouth

where you shouldn't have, huh, John?

Hey, shut up, will you, guys?

Because of someone in this room,

my wife will probably divorce me now!

Then I'll lose my house.

End up some pathetic loser who walks the streets

yelling at total strangers.

Wow, genetics is a frightening thing.

Hey, you know, I-I-I don't wanna listen to this anymore.

Have-- Have a nice day, you guys.

You're not gonna just leave him here with us?

Oh, come on, he just needs a little time

to pull his life together, that's all.

I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can't work.

I know, I'll get a bottle of bourbon

and drink myself to death.

There, see? He's already got a plan.

( blues theme playing )

Mr. Gordon, good news.

Your HIV test came back negative.

That's a relief.

You know, that test came back awfully fast.

Are you sure it was accurate? Maybe you should do it again.

Yeah, Mr. Gordon, sit down here for a minute, will you, please?

Look, you--

You didn't need that test, and you know it.

What--? What's goin' on?

Oh, all right.

You see, Dr. Becker,

my lady friend is wonderful.

She laughs at my jokes, we like the same food.

She even lets me watch TV with my pants unbuttoned.

Well, there's a picture for you.

A-and whether I like it or not,

I think sex...

is the next logical step.

I-I haven't been with a woman

since my wife passed away, and--

And I've heard it's, uh,

different.

I-I get all the medical journals.

Nothing new has crossed my desk.

But I've seen those magazines at the supermarket.

"How to Please A Woman."

( groans ) "The Rules Have Changed."

"Right Orgasm, Wrong Orgasm."

Who knew there was more than one kind?

Mr. Gordon, the rules haven't changed.

They're just enforcing them now.

Look, you, uh-- You used to work in the garment district, right?

Forty years. Right.

Well, what people want from their sex

is pretty much what they want from their clothes.

You know, better quality and more attention to detail.

Look, the most important thing is to remember that--

That both people should enjoy themselves.

Both people?

Times have changed.

( blues theme playing )

Bye, Mr. Gordon. Have a good night.

With God's help.

( gasps )

Easy, Linda,

don't put it all out there.

Well, put some of it out there.

Hi.

Hi. I was in the neighborhood,

and the liftgate got stuck on my truck.

When I tried to force it open, I think I wrenched my back.

You think the doctor could take a look at it for me?

Sure. Uh, Linda...

Huh?

Why don't you check Lester in?

I could do that.

Come with me.

Down the hallway.

( mouths ): Oh, my God!

Okay, let's get on the table.

I mean, let's get you on the table.

Should I take my shirt off?

Okay.

Now what?

Huh?

Oh, uh,

I just need to ask you a few questions.

Um, first time seeing the doctor?

Yeah. That's a check.

How would you describe your general health?

Good.

Excellent, another check.

Marital status? Well, that's easy.

You don't wear a ring. You're single, big check.

No, no, I'm married.

I-I don't wear my ring when I'm working,

'cause the metal reacts with the chemicals.

The doctor will be right with you.

Yeah, but it-- It hurts when I go like--

Yeah, yeah, life's a bitch.

Tell your wife.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

This is Melissa and me at a luau on Maui.

This is me and Melissa at a luau on Oahu.

This is me and Melissa at a luau--

Berry, we're willing to stipulate

that you and the missus eat a lot of pork.

Oh, God, I miss her.

Whew. Excuse me, I need a moment.

( Berry sighs ) JAKE: Well, this has been

the longest afternoon of my life.

You're lucky you didn't actually have to look at the pictures.

REGGIE: Becker! What?

Oh, you gotta do something.

Berry's been here all day going on and on about his wife.

I know he's your cousin,

but he's an incredible pain in the ass.

He-- He's driving us crazy. Please, tell him to go home.

All right, all right, all right. Give him a break here.

He's going through a rough period.

All right, I'll, uh-- I'll talk to him.

Ahem. Berry, uh...

Let-- Let me say something to you here.

You're an incredible pain in the ass,

and you're driving everybody crazy.

Go home.

Well done.

I-I'd love to go home.

I just-- I can't.

Melissa won't even take my phone calls.

Maybe you can talk to her. Oh, yeah, right. Like that--

That worked out so well the last time.

Ah, who am I kiddin'?

She will never forgive me.

I am headed for one long,

messy, painful divorce.

And no matter how long it takes,

weeks, months, even years,

at least I know I have you to lean on.

Come on, John, let's go home.

I want Berry out of my life.

I really don't wanna talk about it.

W-what are you doing? W-what is this stuff?

I just agreed to let you come over

to pick up the rest of his things.

No, no, no, no, no. Look, these things belong here.

Just-- Just like Berry belongs here.

You-- You two can work this out.

I'm afraid it's a little late for that.

No, no, no, it's not.

Look, listen, Berry realizes

that he shouldn't have told you about the affair.

He didn't. You did.

Well, let's not fixate on who said what to whom.

The point is to get two people who love each other

back together again.

No, I think it's best he stays with you.

No, nobody wants that. Come on.

Listen, he-- He made one little mistake.

Can't you forgive him?

What's the point?

What? What do you mean, what's the point?

You know what hurts most?

Well, I thought Berry and I had something special.

Oh, sure, we had our problems.

But I can't live with someone

who no longer finds me attractive.

W-what are you talking about?

Well, why else would he have an affair?

Oh, come on, please.

Listen, married guys have--

Have affairs for plenty of different reasons.

They're-- They're bored.

You know. they wanna recapture their youth.

Or sometimes it's just to--

To see if we can get away with it.

What-- What I mean is, uh, you--

You are a very, very attractive woman.

Oh, you're just being nice.

No, you know me. I wouldn't do that.

Really?

Absolutely. I-I'll tell you something.

You know, when you got married,

I said to myself,

"Now, w-what did he do to deserve a woman like that?"

Oh, that's so sweet!

Well, yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, all right, well, yeah.

That's better, huh? That-- There you go, there you go.

All right.

M-- W-why are we still hugging?

You're right.

Mm. No, no!

Mm. No, don't.

Mm. Oh, jeez.

No, Melissa. Oh! Oh, my God!

Berry!

I told you to wait in the car for a sign.

Does this look like a sign?

I asked you to help, not help yourself.

BECKER: Oh, please.

Nothing happened here.

I was just trying to cheer her up.

Oh, so you didn't mean it when you said I was attractive?

Sure I did. You said she was attractive?

Well, I didn't mean it.

What do you think could happen in the two minutes

since I left you out there?

Oh, who are you kidding? Two minutes is plenty of time.

Really?

Oh, just-- Just get away from my wife.

Look, honey,

I made one big mistake, and I'm sorry.

I've always loved you, and I always will.

And if you take me back,

I promise I'll do anything I can to make it up to you.

Oh, come on. That-- That was good.

Oh, Berry.

Come here.

All right, there you go. See? Now you're kissing.

That means you're back together again.

He's-- He lives with you now.

Oh, yeah, one more thing before I go.

And I-I-I mean this from the bottom of my heart,

and I can say it because we're family.

I don't like you two people.

I don't care if we're related. I never wanna see you again.

Oh, crap!

Berry, you got my keys in there.

Berry.

Oh, good Lord!

Oh, well. What the hell.

I've got two minutes.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

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