Original subtitles

( upbeat blues theme playing )

So where were we?

You were talking, as usual,

and I was just saying you're an idiot.

As usual.

I was merely stating that in my opinion,

midgets are bad luck.

Wait, wait, wait.

John, they prefer to be called little people.

Now, I know this 'cause I called a midget once,

jumped up and hit me.

Trust me, he did not jump high enough.

Now, see?

And I never said that little people are not fine,

respected citizens.

It's just that whenever I'm near one, I have bad luck.

That's ridiculous.

Well, John, I guess you better tell her.

Okay.

I once ate a food sample given to me by a 3-foot-tall man

dressed as a fish stick.

Ptomaine poisoning.

Another time, I was stopped at a red light,

a midget walks in front of me, I was rear-ended by a bus.

And a few years ago,

I passed one on my way up to my apartment.

And I walked in and found my wife in bed with another man.

As for whether or not he was a little person,

you'd have to ask her.

You heard enough?

Months ago.

Well, I'm outta here.

Jake, good to see ya.

All right.

Say, Reg, uh, what you're doing

with your hair there on the side,

it doesn't really work.

I couldn't help overhearing.

That man gives you a bad time, doesn't he?

Him? Yeah, well, you know,

I once read about a tribe in New Guinea.

First thing every morning,

they smack themselves in the head

with a large piece of bamboo.

They figure after that,

their day just has to get better.

I don't have to do that. I have Becker.

So, doc, you know, my throat hurts like it's on fire.

You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah.

Feels I'm swallowing glass.

Yes.

It's like the pain, you know?

It starts in my throat, it comes all up into my ears,

you know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah. It gets real bad.

You know I'm sayin'?

Yes, I know what you're saying.

When I don't know what you're saying,

I'll say, "What are you saying?"

Until then, here's the deal.

I give you these pills, pain goes away.

You ask me one more time if I know what you're saying,

I'll let your head explode.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

I thought you might.

And, Hector, turn your hat around.

You couldn't possibly be as stupid as that makes you look.

Hi, Hector.

How you doing?

I've had better days, you know what I'm--

I'm all right.

Good morning, Linda.

Well, well, well,

look who comes strolling into work at, uh, 10:03.

It must be nice.

But don't worry, Margaret, I got in at 9:15,

and I've been covering for you.

Oh, thank you, Linda.

Except I got here at 8:30, cleared the messages,

then I went out to give home care to Mrs. Montrose.

So if you got here at 9:15, then you're the one who's late.

Office opens at 9.

Oh. Never mind.

Margaret. Yeah?

Have you seen Mr. Birnbaum's file?

Right here.

Thank you.

See you next week, folks.

Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

I don't know yet.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,

there's a man waiting for you in your office.

Who is it? I don't know.

He said he wanted to surprise you.

Don't you just love surprises?

I hate surprises.

Oh, it's you. Hi.

I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by.

That explains the midget.

What?

Never mind.

So, Johnny, you're looking good.

How you been? Workin' hard or hardly workin'?

( chuckles )

Yeah, are we done catching up?

'Cause I got a lot of work to do.

Boy, you've got some setup here, Johnny.

Hey, pal, word to the wise,

cut back on the Slim-Fast.

( knock on door )

Come in.

Excuse me, John,

I've got the pharmacy on the phone.

You wanna refill the Xanax for Mr. Garcia?

That's fine. Okay.

Hi, Fred Becker, Johnny's dad.

Who?

Oh, "John." Oh, my God, you're John's father?

Oh, it is so nice to meet you.

I'm Margaret Wyborn.

Nice to meet you, Margaret.

If I'd known you had such a lovely nurse,

I would have got here a lot sooner. Oh.

( giggling )

Oh. Ooh, he's your father?

He's charming.

Yeah, yeah, he's a prince.

Did you hear that? Prince Charming.

( laughing )

Margaret, phone call, pharmacy.

Oh, right, right, right.

Well, it was so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, adopted?

No, he's-- He's my boy.

Lovely, lovely woman.

What do you want?

Nothing. Um, nothing special.

( chuckles )

Did you hear the one about the guy

with a talking dog, goes into a bar--?

I've heard it. Really?

No, I just don't wanna hear it.

Oh, well, okay. Have a pen.

Got my name on it. Great sales tool.

See that? "Fred Becker."

Well, it's not exactly the train set

I always hoped to get for Christmas,

but thank you. Now, I really--

I really do have to get back to work.

Yeah, I know you're busy. I know.

Look, how about I buy you lunch?

No, thank you.

Come on, let me buy you a cup of coffee.

Pass. Look, one cup of coffee.

Well, loo-- I'd take him except it'd go right through.

All right, all right, fine.

I-- I eat at 12:30.

There's a little diner two blocks over.

Okay, I'll find it, I'll find it.

This is great. Great.

Twelve-thirty it is.

See ya, Johnny.

And a pleasure to meet you ladies.

Thank you. Pleasure.

BOTH: Bye.

Okay, who's next?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute, is that really your father?

Margaret, come on.

Okay, okay, okay.

Um, Mr. Politeri's here about hemorrhoids.

And Mrs. Eichler has some kind of fungus.

Oh, and Jimmy Diaz just came in with what he described

as "awesome jock itch."

So no matter who I see,

I'm looking at something disgusting.

Damn midget.

You're kidding. You're really his father?

Yep, that's right.

Y-you can't be John's father.

You're so nice.

Why didn't you say something this morning?

Well, I hadn't made up my mind

about getting in touch, you know.

I am actually just relieved to know Becker had a father.

I always suspected he was raised by wolves.

Yeah, really pissy wolves.

No, I was right there when his mother gave birth,

rest her soul.

Of course, it was one of the few times I was.

I'm in sales, you see,

and I'm on the road most of the time.

Really? What'd you sell?

Oh, you name it, I sold it.

Vacuum cleaners, used cars, meat.

Meat?

Well, you think those cows walked down

to the supermarket by themselves?

( chuckling )

Did you hear the one about the guy with the talking dog?

The guy is in a bar bragging about his talking dog.

And the bartender says:

"You mean that if I give him a dollar,

he could go out and buy a paper for me?"

He said, "I guess so."

So the bartender takes out his wallet, peels off a one--

Hey, Reg, cup of coffee, please.

How are you doing there, Jake?

If we're gonna do this, let's do it.

My office is jammed.

John, you must be thrilled.

How long has it been since you've seen each other?

Oh, he shows up about every seven years like locusts.

Okay. Well, Fred, it was great meeting you.

Good to meet you, Jake.

And, John, I'll see ya later.

Come on, Reg, coffee.

Fine.

Fred, it was really nice meeting you.

You come in any time.

You're a pleasure to have around.

Thank you, Reggie.

Look, I really don't have that much time.

You seemed to wanna get together.

You must have something important you wanna say to me.

No, no, nothing special.

Just-- Just want to visit.

You know, I noticed that Yankee Stadium's

right down the street there.

Catch any of the games this year?

Is that why you're here after all these years,

to chat about the Yankees?

Come on, let's-- Let's cut to the chase.

What do you need? You need some money?

No, I got all I need.

And what, are-- Are you sick?

Do you want some free medical advice?

( chuckles )

Healthy as a horse, Johnny.

Speaking of horses,

you should have seen the nag I bet last week.

I bet him to win, I should have bet him to live.

That's an old joke.

Yeah, I know.

What do you want?

Nothing.

I-I've just, uh, been thinking about you.

I'm kind of getting up there, you know.

I thought maybe we could do something together.

Like what, play catch?

Well, I don't know.

You know, whatever fathers and sons do.

You know something?

This was a mistake.

Oh, come on, Johnny, don't be that way.

Unless you have something pressing

you wanna say to me, I'm leaving.

No, nothing pressing-- Fine.

How about you two? Anything?

Well, I don't know.

Thanks for the coffee.

Uh, Margaret, I think that this morning proved

we both don't need to be here first thing every day.

So how about two days a week, I'll open up and you sleep in?

The other two days, I'll sleep in.

That leaves Fridays.

Take the first two of every month.

I'll take the last two.

If there are five Fridays in a month,

which sometimes happens,

you know, in those fat months, no problem.

We'll just chip in, hire a temp and both stay home.

Pretty neat, huh? No.

"No," it's not pretty neat or-- No.

Wanna think about it? No.

Just a little? No.

Do you know what I think?

I think you're impressed with my creativity.

And deep down,

you really like and respect me as a person.

And no matter what you say, that's what I'm going to hear.

Amazing.

You actually have the ability to create your own reality

and then live in it.

Hey, some people play the piano.

I know, I know, I know, I'm late.

So how's your father?

Gone, I hope.

Oh, come on, John.

Whatever's going on between the two of you, I'm sure--

Margaret, Margaret, I know you mean well,

but it's not something I wanna talk about. Who's next?

Okay, Walter Jackson is in 1.

Oh, what is it this time?

He was having lunch and cut his hand

on the side of the dumpster.

Do me a favor.

Go outside and turn off the nut magnet.

I've had my fill for one day.

Hey, Walter.

I don't care what you say, I am not taking my clothes off.

Then we have a deal,

'cause I'm not taking mine off either.

All right, let's take a look and see what you got going here.

Ouch.

All right, well, we'll clean that right up.

So besides hanging upside down in other people's trash,

what have you been up to, Walter?

I'm rewriting the Bible.

Well, that should, uh, keep you busy for a few days.

Ten commandments just weren't enough so I added a few.

Now, I feel especially strong about number-- Number 26:

"Thou shall not put pineapple on pizza."

I'm with you there. What else you got?

"No fishnet shirts for men. No clothes on dogs.

No accordion music--"

Ever.

Right. You know, I think you're on to something here.

You may wanna work on that.

Well, would you tell Regis and Kathie Lee?

Because they refused to book me.

I'm afraid I can't help you there.

Walter, I'm gonna give you 10 bucks.

I want you to go out and get something to eat.

Oh, could you make it 20? I wanna take my friend with me.

Hey, Becker.

Reg, what are you doing here?

Everything all right?

Yeah. Uh...

Listen, do you have a minute?

Sure, come on.

What's going on?

Well, I-- I don't know exactly how to say this.

Hoo. Funny, I thought it wouldn't be so difficult.

Sit down.

Look, I know I'm not your doctor,

but we're kind of friends.

So whatever it is, let's talk about it.

It's about your father.

I don't wanna talk about it.

But you were just so rude and he's so--

Yeah, I know, I know, he's the nicest guy in the world

and I'm a big jerk.

Be that as it may...

Did you have to just walk out on him?

Did he happen to mention that he walked out on me first?

To me and my mother?

Did he slap ya on the back, give you a pen,

and, uh, tell you that part of the story?

No, he didn't mention that.

Yeah, yeah, he never does.

( sighs )

Look, Becker, the night my father died,

we had a big argument.

A really stupid one.

I don't even remember what it was about.

But if I'd known that it was going to be

our last conversation,

I would have played it completely different.

And that's what I came to say.

Reg, I appreciate you coming down.

I really do.

But this is not something you can fix.

Uh, is it really okay for me to let you in here?

Eddie, relax, you're too tense.

I'm his father.

Are you sure you're his father?

I mean, you know, you're so nice.

Yeah, I get that a lot. Where was I?

Oh, yeah, so they send the dog out

with a dollar to get the paper.

Well, the dog is gone for hours. Yeah.

When they finally find him, he's in an alley

making love to a little girl dog.

Okay.

The owner says, "Sparky, you never did that before."

And the dog said, "I never had any money before."

( laughing ): Yeah, yeah.

Then, what happened?

( chuckles )

Have a pen.

Cool.

What the hell is this?

Oh, I know how it looks, John.

I thought I was through with you.

And who are you?

Uh, E-Eddie Blatt.

Your neighbor.

I'm filling in for the super.

You told me to go to hell once.

Are you the guy with the bird?

Yes.

Yes, but that wasn't my bird.

See, a friend of mine--

Yeah, fascinating story. Oh. Okay.

Well, nice meeting you, Fred. He's really great guy.

If you ever need me, I'm just right down--

Nice kid.

He's a freak.

Johnny, when you, uh, left the diner today,

I, uh...didn't want it to end that way.

Your nickel.

Great. You're not throwing me out.

What good would it do?

You're like a piece of gum on my shoe.

Heh. I've heard a lot worse than that.

Anyway, the hard part's over. I'm already in the door.

First rule in sales: get inside.

Is that what this is to you, a sales call?

Look, I may not have been the best father in the world

but I am very good at what I do.

And I'm here to try and make a very important sale.

Me to you.

Not interested.

Well, that's what they say

at the beginning.

All I'm asking for

is a just a minute of your time.

What you see before you, here, is, uh, Fred Becker,

the original model.

I mean, it's, uh, got a lot of mileage on it.

And I have to admit there's some bad dings and dents.

I may not be reliable, but I have some features here

I think you're gonna enjoy.

I'm new, I'm improved, I'm--

Hey, cut the crap, will you?

I'm not a customer, I'm your son.

I don't want a joke and I don't want a pen.

You know, every few years,

you show up and we do this ridiculous little dance.

You wanna talk to me? Talk to me.

What do you wanna talk about?

No, no, no.

No, this time we're really gonna talk.

I was 11 years old.

Why did you leave?

Okay, Johnny, here it is.

Your mother and I were completely wrong for each other.

All we ever did was argue.

It got to the place where I took any kind of a job

just to get out of town.

Your mother finally got fed up and told me to keep going.

I didn't ask you to leave.

You know, I didn't argue with you.

Why didn't you at least come back and see me?

Because your mother asked me not to.

You didn't know that, did ya?

And, yes, I could have insisted

I have a bigger part of your life,

but I didn't.

I took the easy way out and I regret it.

She--?

She asked you n--?

No, d-don't blame her.

Oh, she was afraid that I'd be a bad influence on ya.

Back in those days, she wasn't entirely wrong.

I was...

I took time to look in on you, though, now and again.

I saw one of your, uh, high school basketball games.

And I was there when you graduated med school.

I know. I saw you.

You did? Yeah.

And what--? What was with the lime green leisure suit?

( chuckling )

It was the '70s. Give me a break.

Well, I guess I'd better be going.

You know, this may not mean much coming from me:

I admire you.

Admire me?

Why?

You always say what's on your mind

no matter what other people think.

I never could do that.

I'm in sales. I always have to be nice.

Do you know how hard it is to be nice all the time?

Look who I'm asking.

( loud music playing )

You know, the truth is,

getting along with people is, uh,

something I'm-- I'm trying to work on.

Hey, foreign guy, shut the hell up!

( music stops )

Kind of a work in progress.

You know, as our visits go, this wasn't so bad.

Yeah, maybe not.

I'll show myself out.

Mrs. Fineman, just have your husband call Dr. Tobin.

He's an excellent neurologist.

If there's anything wrong, I'm sure he'll find it.

I certainly hope so.

I've done everything I can do to turn Marvin on.

Dirty talk, sexy underthings, toys--

Hey, hey, Mrs. Fineman...

mental images, mental images.

Good night, doctor.

Woman comes in with an ingrown toenail.

Next thing I know is she's giving me

the intimate details of her sex life.

Like her toenail wasn't disgusting enough.

Is it my imagination

or are you just a little extra wound up today?

Yeah, Margaret, did, uh, my--?

Did Fred happen to--? No.

Never called, never came by.

I just wondered.

Sorry, John. Mm.

Good night.

Good night.

( mellow blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

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