Original subtitles

( blues theme playing )

Oh, jeez, get a room, will you?

Jake, can you believe--?

Oh, come on, this is supposed to be a civilized society.

It's not France, for God's sake.

Let me guess. That's your version of

"Happy Valentine's Day."

It's Valentine's Day? Oh, crap.

BECKER: Valentine's Day.

It's the shallowest,

greediest exploitation of emotion

since my second marriage.

It's not even a real holiday. You know that, don't you?

It was created by an evil cartel of florists,

candy manufacturers and champagne makers.

If you ask me, the government should stop hounding Microsoft

and get the damn greeting card companies off our backs.

You know, Becker, I hate Valentine's Day too.

Whoa.

You and I agree about something?

I know. It scares me too.

But you're right. All the pressure.

"Will I get a date? Won't I get a date?

Gotta get a date, didn't get a date."

Who needs it?

Congratulations, John,

you've just claimed another soul.

Hello, Reggie. REGGIE: Ugh.

Yeah, that's right. Bob's back.

I think you just solved your date problem.

As I was giving a buck to a wino on the corner,

we shared a laugh at how pathetic your life's become.

So on this day of love, Bob has decided to take pity

and bring you a humble gift.

Just a little something.

Kind of like you.

No need to get me a gift in return.

A slow hug will suffice.

And if by chance, during that hug,

Bob should start moving from side to side,

don't be alarmed.

And if I should get out my baseball bat

and start swinging it from side to side,

don't you be alarmed.

Jeez, you and my wife with the baseball bats.

Get out, Bob.

All right, Bob's gotta go.

BOB: But just remember,

if you need Bob, all you have to do is whistle.

You know how to whistle, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Put my lips together and blow.

Wow.

What a hot way to put it.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

You know what I love about Valentine's Day?

All year long, women put you through hell.

This is the one day of the year

you can get in for a box of candy.

( chuckles )

Yeah, so you need this lousy holiday

just so you can get lucky.

Boy, that's sad, you know, Jake?

Well, gee, John, I'm really surprised

that you hate Valentine's Day,

considering you have such a

vibrant and active social life.

( chuckling ): Oh, that's right. Sorry.

You know something, Jake?

You're right, I shouldn't talk.

Hey, was that your girlfriend you were with before?

Yeah, that's Molly. Why?

Oh, nothing. That's...

That's really nice of you, Jake.

Can I have some coffee there, Reg, please?

Nice of me? What are you talking about?

W-what's wrong with Molly?

Nothing's wrong with her, man.

I'm just saying it's a nice thing you're doing,

going out with her.

Reg, what's he talking about?

Is there something wrong with Molly?

Oh, relax, Jake. Molly is lovely.

Lovely? Wait.

Lovely is what women say about other women

when they're trying to be kind.

Wait a minute, how hideous is she?

( man screams )

What is it? What's wrong?

The bitch stabbed me with a fork.

You deserved it, you liar. You're an animal!

I'm an animal? She's an animal!

Hold still, will you? Look what she did to me.

Yeah, you're lucky that's all I did.

You couldn't have stabbed him at home like decent people?

He slept with my sister. I should have cut his thing off.

Hold still. This might hurt a little.

Ow!

A little? Yeah.

Just press down on that, right there, will you?

I hope it hurts. Let me have a towel, Reggie.

Anything else?

Yeah, I'm still waiting on my coffee.

And I didn't sleep with your ugly-ass sister.

My sister is not ugly. She is lovely.

Lovely? Oh, damn.

I'm the only guy in town who didn't sleep with her.

Oh, what does that mean?

My sister's a slut now? Would you shut up?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Shut up, will you?

You're beginning to sound like

open mic night at a trailer park.

I will yell as much as I want to,

Mr. Thinks-He's-Better-Than-Me.

That's Dr. Thinks-He's-Better-Than-You.

Let me have that, will you?

This is not that bad.

Go get some antibiotics and a tetanus shot, all right?

You better go to an emergency room

just in case there's, uh, nerve damage.

Nerve damage. You happy now?

No, I should have stuck it in your heart.

Wow, Becker, I've never seen you actually be a doctor before.

That was really cool.

What?

My coffee?

( blues theme playing )

Mmm, of course I'll be your valentine.

Uh-uh, I love you more.

No, I love you more.

Oh, I gotta go, Raoul.

No, you hang up first.

No, you hang up first.

Oh, don't make me be the one to--

It was either hang up or throw up.

I'm sorry, Margaret. Raoul just completes me.

Well, something had to.

It's just so romantic meeting on Valentine's Day.

That's who you were talking to? A guy you just met?

Yeah, on the train this morning.

I saw him walking my way,

but the only seat near me was next to poncho guy.

So he sat down-- Poncho guy?

Yeah, he's the guy on the train everyone avoids

'cause he wears a poncho.

Just a poncho.

Anyways, he sat down right next to him

just to be near me.

How do you know he didn't sit near you

just to be next to poncho guy?

Hey, if you're gonna pee on my car,

at least pee on the dusty parts.

Good morning, John.

Happy Valentine's Day, Dr. Becker.

No, no, no, I don't do Valentine's Day.

I just spent the morning breaking up a fight

between two psycho lovebirds,

missed my breakfast and ruined a perfectly good shirt.

Oh, you mean the blood stain?

No, this annoying row of buttons.

So are you and your husband doing something romantic

for Valentine's Day?

Afraid not.

My sister brought her husband and three kids

up from South Carolina.

So unless we can do it in the mailbox,

we're not doing it.

Oh, you got a Valentine's Day card. Sweet.

Yeah, sweet.

Oh, look at this. It's from a secret admirer.

That's-- That's gonna drive me crazy all day.

It wasn't you, was it, Margaret?

Yeah, it was me.

I love you, I need you.

Take me, you gorgeous hunk of man meat.

All right, all right, all right. I hate this.

You know, today's secret admirer is tomorrow's stalker, you know.

Next thing you know, I'll be in some abandoned warehouse,

lying unconscious and nude in the middle of a pentagram.

Boy, I didn't get that at all.

( blues theme playing )

Hey, Danny, what's up?

I want a vasectomy.

Right now?

Hey, you see, I recently started having sex.

And, well, a vasectomy is the key to my future plans.

Which are?

I plan to have a lot more sex.

Well, I hear you. I hear you.

Um, how about using a--?

Yeah, yeah, safe sex, right? I'm there, okay?

But a vasectomy is the only way to make sure

there aren't any mistakes.

I mean, you know my family, doc. Every one of us was an accident.

Mm-hm.

Well, there's always abstinence.

Yeah, what was I thinking? Uh...

Boy, you know, I'm gonna have to think about this one.

Tell you what, come back in a couple hours, we'll talk.

Okay, but my mind's made up.

Well, give me a couple hours.

You can find something to do for a couple hours, can't you?

Oh, yeah.

You think I'm special?

You're special.

Oh, I gotta go, Raoul.

Bye.

Raoul and I hit a rough patch, but we worked through it.

And now, we're in an even better place.

I'd ask, "Who's Raoul?" But then, you might tell me.

Is this for me, Linda?

Uh, no, I was just writing what my name would be

if I married Raoul.

It just says Linda.

I don't know his last name.

Hi, Mary. Hi.

When did this start? About an hour ago.

Have any trouble breathing or swallowing?

No, but believe me, this itching is driving me crazy.

I feel like my cat.

Your cat?

Yeah, she has fleas. Oh.

Just take a deep breath.

You come into contact with anything unusual today?

Well, the woman I share my cubicle with,

she got this huge bouquet of roses

for Valentine's Day from her boyfriend.

Oh. Her husband sent her candy.

She's cheating on him.

Yeah, I got that.

All I did was smell the roses.

I've never been allergic to anything before.

Well, allergies can pop up at any time.

Kind of like holidays.

You know, it's like this weird emotional obstacle course.

No sooner do you get past

the rotating blades of Thanksgiving,

that you gotta duck under the live ammo

of Christmas and New Year's.

And then when you think you're home free:

Bam! You get attacked by some little cupid bastard.

I mean, you know, whoever gave a baby a bow and arrow anyway?

Are you okay?

Hm? Oh, the-- Uh...

Yes, never mind.

That's, uh, Benadryl.

BECKER: I'm gonna give that to you to help relieve the itching.

I'm also gonna give you a prescription of prednisone.

It should stop that reaction from spreading.

Thank you. Mary, I don't know.

It could've been the roses. It could be anything.

But just to be safe, if you have another attack,

come right back here or go to a hospital, all right?

Of all the things to be allergic to on Valentine's Day,

( chuckling ): roses, huh?

With my luck, I'll go on my honeymoon

and find out I'm allergic to sex.

Well, that's why hotel rooms have minibars.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Hello, Reggie, Bob's back.

Oy.

That's right. Twice in one day.

It's a Bob twofer.

What can I do for you, Bob?

Whoa, whoa, stretch. No time for that now.

Not that Bob isn't always up for an afternoon delight.

But now I'm a little preoccupied.

Bob forgot to get his beautiful wife a Valentine's gift.

And believe me, Bob did not get her a pair of expensive breasts

so he could be denied access to them.

So how's about giving me back that present I gave you earlier?

No problem. It's in the dumpster out back.

Yeah? Acting like you're not interested.

Bob gets that a lot.

But in light of my wife's temper,

let's keep this relationship our little secret.

There is no relationship.

That's my girl.

Do you know where I could find a really big roach motel?

At least Bob knows what his girlfriend looks like.

Oh, come on, Jake.

You're the one who's always telling me

not to pay attention to Becker.

He's just yanking your chain. Molly's adorable.

Oh, come on, not adorable.

I mean, adorable is code for "don't look directly at her.

Use a box with a little hole in it."

REGGIE: Oh, good job, Becker.

Jake's a quivering blob,

thanks to your little head games.

Oh, no, pal. What did I do?

Hey, John, no fooling. Man to man, all right?

What does Molly look like?

Well, I'll say this,

when she walks into a room, you certainly look twice.

Kiss my ass.

Certainly not the most romantic invitation I've ever gotten.

Oddly enough, not the least either.

Reggie, I'm, uh--

I'm asking everybody. Um...

Did you send me a Valentine's Day card?

Do you see a mark on my head

where a gun barrel was jammed against it?

You're right, you're right. I should have known.

Oh, wait a minute.

Your hair, it's different.

No, it's not. Yes, it is.

You got those stringy cowlicky things you think look good.

Oh, wait a minute. You had a dress cleaned?

I know that dress. That's your cleavage dress.

Oh, come on, Reg.

You got a Valentine's Day date, don't you?

All right, I have a date.

This guy I know called, and, well...

I just didn't wanna sit at home tonight

like some lonely pathetic loser.

No offence.

None taken.

I just hope that when you and your valentine

are toasting each other with champagne,

the bitter taint of betrayal will linger on your liar's lips.

Where did you come up with that?

Printed on my alimony checks.

( blues theme playing )

Good news. Raoul and I had a fight, but we made up.

Oh, good.

'Cause if you two crazy kids can't make it,

what hope is there for the rest of us?

Oh, Danny, just the man I wanna see.

Step into my office, will you?

Margaret, did Dr. Osborn send over the tape?

It's all set up in your office.

Thank you.

Hey, doc, that chick that works here,

is she seeing somebody?

No, but she certainly should be.

Okay, Danny.

So you can familiarize yourself with this procedure,

I had a urologist friend of mine send over a tape

of an actual vasectomy.

Go ahead and sit down and watch the movie here.

What, no Jujubes?

You know, that would actually be a great title

for what you're about to see.

That's great news.

I'll be there soon to give you a big Valentine's Day kiss.

Bye.

Wrong number?

That was my Louis.

( giggles )

Do you know what that big,

sweet husband of mine did?

He packed my sister and her family off to the Travelodge

so we could have the whole house to ourselves

for Valentine's Day.

We're gonna have some wine, and then dance and then--

Uh, Margaret, Margaret...

Oh, I'm sharing again, aren't I?

Sorry.

Oh, by the way,

the ER from Saint Ursula's called.

Mary Gallagher had another allergy attack.

She's fine, but they're gonna hold her overnight.

I better get over there. How's the schedule?

Oh, it's clear except for Mr. Gellman's cardiogram,

and I can do that.

And your last two appointments aren't pressing,

so if you want, I can cancel them.

Leaving you free to go home early?

Oh, I do believe you're right. BECKER: Oh.

What a lucky coincidence.

There's something I'd like you both to know.

I'm just gonna say it and then put it behind me.

Raoul and I broke up.

Bummer.

We were kidding ourselves. We'd grown too far apart.

Well, at least you have the memory

of those 10 minutes you actually spent together.

And I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.

You're such a dear.

Now, if you two will excuse me, I need to go clear my head.

That shouldn't take too long.

Hey, Jake, what are you doing here?

Hey, John.

I know that it's shallow to care about Molly's looks,

b-but I need to know.

What's wrong with her?

Oh, come on, man, I was just screwing with you.

She's lovely.

She looks a little bit like-- Like Tyra Banks.

Well, that doesn't help me.

I don't know what she looks like.

Well, then, you're just gonna have to trust me.

Oh, no, you don't. That's what got me into this.

You know what?

It doesn't matter what Molly looks like.

I liked her before, and I like her now.

You know something? You're right, I'm sorry.

As long as you like Molly,

it doesn't matter what she looks like.

JAKE: You're going to hell, John Becker.

So they say.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, doc?

Oh, look at you, man.

You're all green around the edges. You all right?

That tape was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, I thought you might feel that way.

Thank God, I'll be asleep for mine.

Whoa. Whoa, you-- You're gonna go ahead with this?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've weighed all the pros and cons,

and I still believe it's the right decision.

I see.

Can I see your hat for a second?

You're not getting a vasectomy.

You're 16 years old, you idiot.

Come on, I'll give you a ride home.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah.

WOMAN ( on PA ): Nurse Adams, please call the pharmacy.

Nurse Adams, please call the pharmacy.

Smelled the roses again, didn't you?

I just feel so stupid.

Yeah, well, good.

I spoke to the resident who examined you.

He says you're gonna be all right.

Reaction was kind of severe,

but you should be out of here tomorrow morning.

I know I should have just stayed away from the roses,

but you know-- I know, I know.

It's Valentine's Day.

I swear, you know--

The only person who ever celebrated this day right

was Al Capone.

You know, I've seen more lives turned upside down today

by this phony holiday, you know.

It takes love and it just turns it into

a pain-in-the-ass obligation.

If we're not careful, the phrase "I love you"

is gonna turn into something as meaningless as,

you know, "Have a nice day,"

"Check's in the mail,"

"I promise I won't stab you with a fork."

I was with you right up until the fork.

Yeah, I know.

Sorry, it's been a weird day, you know.

To top it off, somebody's sent me

this secret admirer card.

It's been driving me crazy.

Was it you?

No, I'm engaged.

All right, all right.

Well, feel better.

Good night. Good night.

You know, maybe the person who sent you that is just shy,

and they were trying to find some way

to tell you you're important to them.

Or that they admire you.

That's kind of nice, don't you think?

You know, you're right.

I didn't think of it that way.

Thank you. That makes it kind of special.

Herman? Herman, is that you?

Excuse me?

Herman, it's me, Tillie.

I knew you'd come see me on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm not--

Come closer, please.

( sighs )

Oh, jeez.

A-all right, I'm here now.

You can go back to sleep.

No, uh, hold my hand.

Sit with me.

Do you remember our first Valentine's Day together?

( laughs )

Oh, how we danced.

Do you remember that song?

Song?

Our song. The one we danced to?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, great song.

Uh, l-listen, I really have--

Sing it for me.

What?

Just like you used to, Herman.

Sing it.

Oh, uh, you know something?

I don't think I remember the words.

Oh, sure you do. Remember?

No, w-we'll sing it together.

Huh?

Moonlight

Becomes you

You

A thrill with a sigh

Thrill, mm-mm

Sigh

And I could get so

So

Romantic tonight

Romantic tonight

Now don't--

Look, that's enough.

That's enough singing, that's enough.

Uh, I think it's exciting you too much.

W-w-why don't you just go back to sleep?

You're right.

Yeah.

Happy Valentine's Day, Herman.

I love you.

Uh, super, super. Um...

S-say it.

Tell me you love me too.

I love you.

That's nice.

Now give me a kiss good night.

BECKER: Oh, crap.

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

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