Original subtitles

[farts] MALORY: Oh, for the...

- That's disgusting. - [chuckles] Me?

You're the one that's covered in farts.

And why couldn't you put on some clothes

- before we left the village? - What, seriously?

You think I'd be caught dead dressed like a Nazi?

Those old cannibal women had washed and folded

- your regular clothes. - Well, it's also hard to go back

after you taste the freedom of the coconut.

- PAM: Master coconut! - Nobody gets that!

- You know what I don't get? - The fact that you're not really a goddess?

- I was gonna say fractions. - I was gonna say fractions.

I don't get why she's even with us.

- I'm here because... - Because I say so.

So end of story.

- In return for which... - [quietly] I split the idol with you 50/50.

I... wait, no. I-I'd split it with you 50/50.

- It comes out the same. - Yeah, but... what, wait, what?

You, me and the idol makes three. What do you say?

- Wait, what are they saying? - ARCHER: Nothing.

No, what are you talking about?

- Nothing! - Okay!

- God! - There are no gods!

Will you idiots hold it down? [creature snarling]

[gasping] Mon dieu.

Jesus, loud much? Are you trying to attract apex predators?

Oh, please. I just wiped out

a literal goddamn boatload of Nazi stormtroopers.

Doesn't get much more apex than that.

[chuckles menacingly]

All right, Mr. Tough Guy. You don't have to chuckle menacingly.

- What? I wasn't. - Holy shit, look! There it is.

[all gasping, muttering]

Okay, so, just so we're all on the same page,

we're walking into an active volcano.

[all mutter agreement]

NOAH: Well, that's where the idol is, so...

I was double-checking, Noah! [chuckles, sighs]

I don't know why you make me so furious.

For me, it's his face.

[title music]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

9x08 - A Discovery

[straining, grunting]

[sighs] Oh, come on.

Put your backs into it. [grunts]

If I put my back in any more,

it's gonna come gooshin' out my front.

Oui, c'est impossible. I give up.

- How French. - You know...

So what? We just sit here and wait for a clue

- from a goddamn thrush? - [scoffs] Thrushes.

Uh, what are you talking about?

- Like at the portal of Erebor. - Uh...

- Jesus, dummy, in The Hobbit. - The what?

- Wait, what? - Seriously?

Holy shit, that's right.

He's been on this crummy island four years,

- so he's never heard of The Hobbit. - Which, as we all know,

was published just last year in 1937.

So, what is it? A motion picture or...?

[groans loudly] Damn it, bird!

- It's a book. - It's the book.

It's got dwarves. It's got goblins.

It's got wizards. It's got, um...

- Hobbits? - Hobbits!

Huh. You guys don't really strike me as readers,

- especially of fantasy. - That's because you're an asshole.

Might I make a suggestion?

I know what you're gonna say, Mother,

but even if we had enough people to act out the book,

we don't have time.

- Yeah, it's long as shit. - I don't see that as a negative.

- I don't know. All those songs. - Eh.

Well, as stupid as this is, I was going to suggest

- pulling on the door? - Goddamn it.

- Mm-hmm. [gasping] - Whoa!

Lucky guess. Okay, let's see here.

[wings fluttering]

Um...

[screaming] Jesus Christ!

- Noah! - Yeah?

[chuckles] You're on point, buddy.

Wunderbar.

Those damn fools are going to lead me straight to the idol.

[sniffs] And themselves straight to hell.

[cackles]

_

NOAH: Are you crazy?

- It's pitch black down there. - Noah, if I have to ask you again,

- it's gonna be in the form of a shove. - But... [grunts]

What the...?

No, no, no, no, no! [heavy thud]

ARCHER: Noah, go open the door.

NOAH: How? I can't even see my hand in front of my face.

ARCHER: Well, then I guess you can't see my fists

swinging around like a goddamn windmill

as I walk toward you, so... [arms swinging]

[punch lands] PAM: Ow!

- ARCHER: Oh. - PAM: Goddamn it!

- ARCHER: Did I get you? - PAM: What do you think?

- RAY: Seriously? - CRACKERS: God, moron. [Cheryl laughs]

ARCHER: Oh, come on. I was trying to hit Noah.

MALORY: For the love of God, will...!

CHERYL: There is no... Ow! [punch lands]

- MALORY: Now will someone open the door? - CHERYL: Okay! God!

[footsteps] [rock grinds]

[oohing, gasping]

I think the floor did that.

Well, it should make this a lot easier.

What, a floor that when you step on it random shit happens?

Yeah, so I guess, everybody, watch your step.

- Uh, that's it? - Um... watch your step and shut up?

- Yeah. Thanks. - Okay. - Real mature.

Oh, and I guess try not to bunch up.

Sauf toi Doudou, reste a c�t� de moi.

Doudou? [gasps]

- [all exclaiming] What's happening? - Doudou!

- Oh, it's just like the ponies. - [laughs] Oh, man!

That's hobbit as balls!

RAY: We must go back. We cannot just leave Doudou.

ARCHER: Well, not to split hairs, but he left us, so...

- [rumbling] Jesus Christ! - Oh, no. What?

Noah, what the shit was that?

Well, I'm not a volcanologist, and glad of it, am I right?

But the Mua Mua were always talking about how Tarako

was way overdue to erupt.

- [sighs] Bad news. - Great.

Oh, how would a bunch of cannibals know?

- Oral tradition? - And, you know, technically,

- now you're all cannibals, so... - I had one little kebab.

What were we supposed to do, insult them?

- Plus, I was pretty hungry. - Can we just pick a direction?

Well, they're both pretty well lit.

- I say we turn back. - Quel choc.

- Then go. Nobody's stopping you. - Fine.

Quoi?

- [sighs] M�rde. - So left?

[overlapping chatter]

Okay, and was it just me, or when that big rumble happened

was everybody for a second like, "Oh, my God, Smaug"?

- Yes! Right? - Who?

- Oh, my God. - CRACKERS: It's like...

- CHERYL: He's got no frame of reference. - ARCHER: Smaug, dickhead!

The fire-breathing dragon who lives under the mountain.

[laughs]

_

[rumbling]

[gulps, chuckles]

_

[sniffs, sighs]

[heavy footsteps]

- [rumbling] Whoa. - Goddamn it. [gasping]

So, when you say "way overdue..."

I don't know, ten years? 10,000?

So, either way, probably not great.

- Ugh, look. - PAM: It's a dead end.

- Damn it, I said we should go right. - No, you didn't.

Well? Okay, so let's double back.

No, look, I think there's a door here.

ALL: Where?

MALORY: And some crazy cannibal cartoons.

[gasps] Petroglyphs.

- [gasps] What do they say? - Um... uh...

- Noah! - Okay.

It says, "This is the temple of the fire god Tarako,

guarded by the tupua." There's a powerful curse,

which the Mua Mua already told me about, so, uh...

[laughs] That's pretty good.

- What?! - What does it say?!

Well, it's a pun; it makes a play on the word for "curse,"

but also the word for "soup," but it's more like a stew, I guess.

Like, uh... Oh.

We don't really have a word for it in Engl... Ow!

We do have a word for it! "Stew"!

Does it say how to open the door?

- Yeah, it says push. - Idiot.

CRACKERS: Wait, so... do we want to talk about this curse, or... Whaaat?!

[all oohing, gasping]

- Huh. - Well? Where's the damn idol?

- Um, Noah? - I don't kn... Ow!

- Then what the hell good are you?! - I got us in the door, didn't I?

I think it's safe to assume we would've tried pushing on it.

- Maybe eventually, but... - No, no, it's got to be here.

- Come on, help me look. - Okay.

- Okay, yeah. - All right.

Well, if you find a bar, I'll take a Mai Tai, hold the fruit juice.

- What the...?! - What?! - Uh...

Whoa! Look! Check it out!

- Is it a bar? - Why would it be a bar?

Why wouldn't it? This whole place is like a prehistoric Trader Vic's.

Ooh, I think her totem pole did it.

Uh, actually, totem poles are indige... Ow!

Holy shit! Pam, sit on that one.

Reynaud, sit on yours!

Okay, uh, lady whose life I ruined.

Oh, my God, I forgot about that. [chuckles]

- It's working. - Look at that.

- Voil�! - Noah, Princess, come on, go, go, go!

[music]

ARCHER: Holy shit. It's a giant emerald.

[gasping] [overlapping exclamations]

Wait a minute, do emeralds glow in the dark?

No, but uranium does.

- What? - Uranium? - Seriously?

I bet uranium's worth a jillion times more than emeralds.

- Sterling, wait! - What?!

- It's radioactive. - Oh, of course.

That's what the whole "death soup" thing was about.

- Goddamn it, Noah. - Jesus, Noah!

The Mua Mua legend says anybody who touches the idol

starts puking and shitting blood and then, uh, melts.

- Now you tell us?! - Also, ew.

Come to think of it, I don't know how anybody could've carved it.

Why would those cannibals let us come all this way

to find the damn thing if they knew it would kill us?

I really can't stress how much they hate white people.

- Even after we ate Nazis together? - Oh, yeah.

I bet they're laughing their well-toned asses off.

[hysterical laughter]

Well, then they're not really our friends.

- Wow. - Had to be said.

Okay, so how do we get it out of here

without shitting ourselves to death?

- We can roll it. - I don't know.

- Lead! - Uh, lead? - Um...

- So stupid. - Like when you get an X-ray.

Hey that's right, lead's a natural radiation shield.

Hey, he's right.

- He's right? - Yeah, you heard the man.

- Ugh! - So where are we going

to find enough lead in this place to wrap it up?

[gun cocks] [all gasp] What?

Perhaps I can help.

No, thank you.

_

M�rde! [screams] [squawks]

- [grunts] - Ugh.

We got company! Late. Stupid.

[grunts] Hey, Fritz! You got company.

[sighs] Goddamn it.

[laughs]

You are powerless against Uber-Fuchs!

So, hey, after we get out of here...

- You think we're gonna live through this? - [chuckles] Why wouldn't we?

- Reloading. - Firing!

What the...?

[laughing]

Goddamn it!

It's not often you find a primitive people

who understand the callback.

[gasps] Oh, crap, I got to rewrite my thesis.

Son of a... [grunts]

[laughs]

_ [trigger clicking]

PAM: Ha-ha! How do you like them apples?!

_

__

[all gasping] Shit!

Ow! I don't like those apples at all!

Right? Could things get any worse?

[rumbling] [gasping]

- Maybe I am a goddess... Ow! - MALORY: Thank you!

- Was ist los?! - Holy shit, look!

- [all gasping] PAM: Well, shit! - Check it out, lava.

Oh, I wonder if that's what the petroglyphs meant

by "death soup." Oh, yeah, kinda makes sense.

I mean, if you think ab... Ow!

Guys, come on. That's dangerous. [gasps]

[laughs] Yes, fools, cower before me.

Just like the world will cower before the German Reich

- once we have the idol! - Says who?

Says mein Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler!

The idol is pure uranium!

And with it, we will construct a Wunderwaffe

with the power to destroy entire cities!

- Oh, typical. - Of what?

- I don't know, Nazis? - Oh, for the... Will you do something?!

Like what, play "Dem Bones" at him?

Oh, great, now that's stuck in my head. [both gasp]

[maniacal laugh] [trigger clicking]

Was ist...? Ugh! Verdammt Scheissdreck...

- Look, he's empty, too! - Well, yeah, but...

[panting]

[gasping] [alarmed cries]

...he's still a giant robot.

- Seriously? - Yeah. Look at him.

- So, you're not gonna do anything? - Well, I'm no good to us dead.

What good are you alive? [gasps]

[laughs maniacally]

Ja!

_

__

[laughs]

- And what do you think you're doing? - I have company.

- Goddamn it! - Well... [grunts]

[screams] [all gasping, exclaiming]

Pam!

[laughs maniacally] Hyah!

[Archer screams] OTHERS: No!

Sterling!

[steady metallic banging]

PAM: That was your plan?!

- It worked, didn't it? - I mean...

- Get off me, you fool! - Shut up! [grunts]

- Somebody do something. - I will go for help!

- Merci, asshole! - REYNAUD: Not a problem.

[gasps] Archer, it's too heavy. I cant hang on!

- [all gasp] ARCHER: Hang on! - No, that's what I'm saying.

I'm saying it like "give me a second."

- Yeah, I get that, but... - Jesus Christ, will you shut up?

Nein, nein, nein! Was is you doing?!

- ARCHER: Sending you... - Sterling!

...to hell! [grunts] [Fuchs screaming]

Sterling! [all gasp]

Oh, for the love of God!

[grunts] This actually weighs the same.

- I... realize that, idiot. - Oh, I'm the idiot?

- I mean... - What? Wait. No, no, no.

- Archer, no! Hang on. - Oh, hey, princess.

Listen... listen, if we ever meet again...

- Sterling, no! [all shouting] - Please!

...just remember this.

We were this close to banging.

- No, we weren't. - Yes, we... Whoa!

- Sterling! - Archer!

[screaming]

[music] [chuckles]

This close.

[music]

[music]

[light crackling softly]

[computer beeping]

[clanking, hissing]

[light buzzing]

[clicking dry tongue] Ah... Ah, ah...

Oh, for the... Come on, seriously?

What, you couldn't find a snow globe?

MALORY: Oh, quit your bitching.

Good morning... Mother!

Shut up.

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0