Original subtitles

KING: Where in the...?

No, I'm sure it was... I swear, if that girl...

- Lanaluakalani! - LANA: Yes, Father?

Come in here this very instant!

I tell you, this is the last straw!

- Pff. - Do not "pff" me, woman!

[scoffs] That child of yours has gone too far!

I tell you, this time, I shall really punish her!

[Lana clears throat]

- You called, Father? - Where is it?!

- Where is what? - The map... to the sacred tupua!

- Tupua? - Oka atua, do not play dumb with me!

You know exactly what I am talking about, child.

- Now where is it?! - I'm sure I don't know.

And why would anyone want a map to some moldy old statue?

Because of its magical powers.

- Oh, that's just a silly native legend. - Do you even...?

- We're natives! - You know what I mean.

I know what you think I mean. I mean I... [groans softly]

You know what I think?!

I think you made some sort of deal with this ese Mai fafo,

- the German. - Whaaat?!

Yes. And I think, in your profound ignorance

of the awesome power of the tupua,

- you gave him the map! - Whaaat?

In exchange for enough money to go live among the papalangi

in New York City again and open another... [snaps] What was it?

- Failed art gallery? - Oh, come on!

There was this little thing called The Great Depression!

Well, and you don't know anything about art.

- I do so! - [chuckling] Oh, please.

You thought the Dutch Masters were just a kind of cigar.

[gasps] I told you that in confidence! [scoffs]

You have raised a fool!

Because the tupua is a legend for a reason,

and you have no idea of its power!

And once that German snake finds it, he will be long gone,

so I hope at least he paid you in advance!

[clears throat] Excuse me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

Well, if that sneaky little schnitzel thinks

he's gonna flimflam Princess Lanaluakalani,

he has got another thing... [gasps]

[screaming] [crash]

Are you out of your mind?!

- Sacrebleu! - Oh! [all groaning]

What the hell is the matter with you people?

Ow! Well, I, for one, am starving,

so please tell me you have oysters.

[title music]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

9x06 - Some Remarks on Cannibalism

MALORY: Who the hell taught you how to drive?!

Me? Who the hell taught him how to drive?

[clears throat] MALORY: Oh, for the...

And where the hell were you going in such a hurry?

None of your beeswax. Wait. Where were you going?

- None of... - We're searching for a sacred idol.

- What?! - Goddamn it!

- No, you can' I... forbid it! - Excuse me?

I forbid it. As princess, I forbid the looting

of Mitimotu's cultural artifacts by you, you... Europeans!

- [quietly] Code for "white." - And what of it?

And what color are your Germans, huh?

[gasps] Damn it, the Germans. [engine starts]

- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey. Whoa, whoa.

- Where do you think you're going? - To beat the Germans to the idol.

No, we are gonna beat Archer to it.

- Archer?! - Yes. So get in line, sister.

Oh-ho, I'm at the head of it.

Why you little... Do something!

I, uh... commandeer this v?hicule!

[laughs] You what?

[gasps loudly]

[monkeys hooting] [machine guns firing]

[monkey screaming]

[cheering, laughing] Woohoo!

All right! Enough fun. Now back to business.

[laughs] Ja, shooting those damn cannibals.

- Remember, you promised we could. - Don't worry, men.

We will kill anyone who dares to interfere with our mission

to bring the ultimate power to the Fatherland!

Yeah! [laughing, cheering]

It's a long way to Tipperary

It's a long way to go...

[monkey chittering]

[somber music]

[chittering softly]

[screaming]

All right, already. Come on! We don't need all this junk.

- That crate is just gin. - And vermouth.

Now move it, big boy.

We can't let Sterling beat us to that damn idol.

[squawks] [all gasp]

- That won't be too hard. - Goddamn it, bird!

Because he's stuck in quicksand!

- What? Where? - Really?!

Quicksand. Pam, too.

And I don't know how much time they have left.

- Before...? - They die!

Do you think it's enough time for us to toodle on over,

grab the idol, and then come back and save them?

- No! - Don't get chippy with me, bird!

I'm with her. First we secure the idol,

- and then we can rescue them. - Exactly.

For the love of God, woman!

- Your son... is going... to die! - Oh, all right.

[sips] Take us to the damn quicksand.

But I'll bet you dollars to donuts, they've already escaped,

found the idol, and are just yucking it up!

[tribal music]

[Pam inhales sharply]

Don't! Don't say a word.

I'm mad enough at you as it is.

I was gonna say I wonder what I'm gonna taste like.

[Archer groans]

[children giggling]

'Cause this whole crazy thing's kind of got me thinking

about if I'd ever, you know, like, eat a person.

And not in a starvation-type deal,

like the Donner Party or whatever.

That goes without saying. [rhythmic thwacking]

Your fat white ass is pioneer jerky.

I'm talking about where you voluntarily eat a guy

like he's just damn dinner. Or a woman.

Ooh, or a teenage girl.

But I wouldn't want her to get killed

just so I could eat her, so maybe... I don't know.

What if it was one of these native girl's confirmation or whatever?

So she gets a ceremonial bath, scrubbed head to toe,

and then her whole body gets shaved.

- [sighs] Why...? - Shut up. Let me finish.

But then, on the way to the ceremony,

this tender, hairless young thing

has a massive yet painless brain aneurysm

and falls into a vat of braising liquid.

- Why the hell would... - MAN: [laughs] Wow!

- What the...? - Huh?

You just described, almost word for word,

what's gonna happen to you guys over the next two days.

I mean, is that goose bumps or what?

- Who...? - E-Except for the aneurysm.

- Who the hell are you? - I'm Noah.

- Besso ekla baht! [laughs] - Ek eklan oki.

- Wait, you speak their language? - Uh, yeah, I should hope so.

I mean, I've been here almost four years now, so...

Four years?! So there's no way to escape?

Um... Well, I suppose, I... Well, there's probably...

Oh, gosh. I mean...

- I don't know. - What do you mean

you don't know, idiot? Haven't you even tried?

[chuckles] Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not their captive.

I'm doing my doctoral dissertation on the Mua Mua.

I'm an anthropologist.

- Wh... A spider scientist? - What?

That's an arachnologist.

- Like you would know! - No, no, it is.

- An anthropologist... - I know what an anthropologist is.

- No, he doesn't. - Nobody does!

An anthropologist studies human beings and their societies and cultures.

The Mua Mua, for example...

- Zakila gizona. - Ek ezan oki! [laughter]

...are assholes.

Yeah, right? So then how 'bout it, man?

- Help us escape. - Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I couldn't do that.

I-I'm here to document. I can't interfere.

- What?! - Even after they ate your goddamn arm?

Oh. Yeah.

- Man, that was really... - Eggelak!

[laughter] Dongay emakume!

- What is she saying? - [sighs] That I taste like chicken.

Which, to them, is, like, the worst. [conch blowing]

- What the...? - What's that?

Oh. Uh, okay. Uh, well, I got to go.

Uh, maybe I'll see you guys later or maybe not. Okay, bye!

- Wait, what was that?! - NOAH: Nothing!

I think it was something.

- No shit. - Yep.

Well, if we get out of this alive somehow,

we should definitely open a detective agency.

Ooh!

Aw, damn, but we're not getting out alive, huh?

Nope. [sighs]

MALORY: Well? Where the hell are they, bird?

I-I don't get it. They were right here, up to their necks in it!

- I ought to wring your neck! - This was all just a ruse.

- What? A ruse? - Oh, come on.

- A ruse? - He set me up!

This mite-riddled bird's just stalling us

so that Sterling can get to the idol first.

- Damn it, bird! - Seriously?

No! Whoa! First of all, I am...

almost mite-free. And, B, I swear, they were right here.

Oh, go eat worms. Come on, Reynaud,

we can still beat him if we hurry.

Look, there's boot prints coming up out of the quicksand.

- Really? - No! - Ah, yes!

[gasps] And here's another set of boot prints.

And over there, there...

there's all these different sets of bare footprints.

Pretty muscular, by the looks of them.

- CRACKERS: Muscular? - And here,

this trail is two barefoot men, carrying a load between them,

probably on, like, a pole or something.

See, they're, like, six feet apart.

- That's about the size of a man. - Or a party sub.

- Look, can we just... - Shut up!

- Do you think it was...? - Yes! It was clearly Archer.

And then here's a trail of four men carrying a much,

- much heavier load. - Ooh, which I bet was Pam.

Mon dieu, can it be Les cannibales?

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Well, but since they're out of the quicksand...

And about to be eaten! We have to follow this trail and rescue them.

LANA: No. No, no. Uh-uh.

As your princess, I demand we get the idol first.

MALORY: As whose princess?

- CHERYL: Yeah, right? - RAY: Exactement!

Et tu, Doudou?

So we're just gonna go gallivanting through this deadly jungle

because this dodo says she can see a trail?

Do you seriously not? It's so obvious.

MALORY: Then let's go. Come on, Lady Baltimore.

CHERYL: Ew, look! This guy has ringworm.

PAM: So, where do you think everybody went?

Who knows? Probably taking a vote

- on what sides to serve us with. - Ooh...

But I'm not sticking around to find out.

Well, unless you know something I don't...

- What, besides everything? - Oh, hardy-har. [laughs]

Including, look, there's a piece of, uh, whatchamacallit. Ob-Obsidian.

- So? - So we can cut the ropes with it, dummy.

If I can just scrooch down the pole, I can...

- Get a splinter in your ass? - I'm not gonna get a...

[gasps]

Goddamn it. [laughing]

We'll see how funny... you think it is

when I leave you here.

[chuckles] Oh...

Does that mean we're not getting married?

You know, first of all, that was...

- I just wanted you to die happy. - Ha!

And, two, I'm about this close

to getting a new goddamn sidekick.

- How is this Crackers's fault? - Wha... Not Crackers!

- You. - You think I'm the sidekick?

Yes, Lennie! [gasps]

- Well? - Cut me loose.

- I will, but only because I choose to. - Well, bully for you.

And, while you're at it,

you can leave one hand tied behind my back.

- Why? - So I can whip your ass fairly.

Oh, my God, you are such a Lennie.

Well, if we get out of this bullshit...

If we do, it's only because I unleashed the power of obsidian.

You won't have old Pam to kick around anymore because...

Shh. Stop. Stop it. Stop cutting.

What? [clears throat]

- Is your dick hard? - No.

Then what... is touching... my ass?

- Also nothing. - Oh, for the... Ew!

- No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait. - Dude, that is a hard dick.

- It's not that hard. - Oh, please. I bet it hasn't been that hard

since the time the Army checked you for a hernia.

- I told you that in confidence. - Yeah? Well, I ain't your priest.

[chuckles] Speaking of hard dicks...

[gasps] I also told you that in confidence!

[cackling]

ARCHER: Oh, don't flatter yourself, it was just a reflex.

- PAM: Uh-huh. - An involuntary biological response

to physical and visual stimuli.

Well, then I hope to God this helps.

- Ka-kow. - [chuckling] Yeah, that's... wait.

- What's the opposite of stimuli? - That.

It's not supposed to be sexy, it's protective. In case there's thorns.

- [chuckling] Okay, Master Coconut. - Nobody gets that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you think you're doing?

Making pi?a coladas.

What the hell's it look like we're doing?

- Uhh... I genuinely don't know. - We're escaping.

Wait, what? No. No, you can't. I'll be punished.

- Not if you're dead. - [chuckling] Well, you say that...

Hey, buddy, no shit, she will kill you

- like an innocent baby rabbit. - Goddamn it.

So what's the best way out of here? [conch blowing]

Well, that's the thing, there isn't one now.

The conch is telling the Mua Mua warriors to prepare for battle.

- What, why? - Well, apparently,

a scout saw another group of warriors headed toward the village.

What other warriors?

I swear to God, if those cannibals don't have a bar,

- I may literally die. - Oh, my God, at an oyster bar.

I can pretty much guarantee they don't have either of those things.

[sighs] Savages.

ARCHER: Well, you two idiots can stick around

to find out and then get eaten,

but I'm gonna go find that goddamn idol.

Wait. What idol? You mean the tupua?

- Whatever it's called, I... - How do you know where it is?

We got a map.

- Whoa. - A secret map, that is a secret!

- [scoffs] Who's he gonna tell? - Oh, man.

The tupua would be the greatest archaeological find of the-the...

well, probably just the past couple of years, but still.

Still what? You're not coming.

- Oh, come on, I-I know the jungle. - No.

I-I can read any native petroglyphs we might find.

- No, I said. - I know how to get past

all the giant boulders and poison darts and stuff.

The... do what, now?

- Yeah, do huh? - [laughing] Oh, man.

Yeah, the legends all say the tupua is hidden

deep inside a labyrinth of shafts and tunnels,

just packed with deadly booby traps.

- So... - That's why you got to know your petroglyphs.

Okay, change of plans, you're coming with us.

Yeah! Oh, wait, h-hang on. Hang on.

I-I don't, I don't have to wear one of those, do I?

MALORY: And can we stop and rest a while?

I think my electrolyte levels are low.

- [coughs] Gin levels. - Also.

No, I think we're getting close to a village or something.

Look, there's a ton of footprints around here.

[all gasping, moaning]

Plus, this?

[sighs] Well, as long as we're close.

Please, I can't leave without my dissertation.

- Yes, you can, now come on. - It's four years of writing.

Plus, I had to make the paper from scratch.

- WOMAN: Ay! - ARCHER: Oh, shit!

- NOAH: Oh, my God! - Kekkozat?

- What, oh, no, shh. - Kekkozat!

- No. Shh. - Punch her in the face.

- What? - Kekkozat!

- Punch her in the face. - Kekkozat!

I can't punch an old lady in... ow!

- Dongay ekakume! - Whoa.

- Yeah, not cool. - What?

- But you just told me to... - Lakundu!

Lakundu! Lakundu!

[conch blowing]

[shouting in distance] Now can we go, please?

But my dissertation...

actually had kind of a weak premise.

Ketak. Ketakalak. [yelling]

Batu! Batu, Batu! [yelling]

[screaming]

Goddamn it! Eat a dick, cannibals.

It's funny you say that.

- Actually... - It's a figure of speech, Noah.

- No, let him finish. - Oh, my God.

I was gonna say that they don't eat the penis.

The testicles, though...

- Nok geziak! - Lakana.

[yelling]

[pissing]

[quietly] In there.

FUCHS: Schmidt! Was dauert so Lange?

[laughing] Weil mein Schwanz so Lang ist.

FUCHS: Nun beeile dich!

Ja, ja. Komm runter, Junge.

[music]

[grunts]

Seriously?

- Scheisse. - FUCHS: Was, hast Du auf deine Schue gepisst?

[distant laughter]

FUCHS: Schmidt?

What the hell? Why did you do that?

- Guys? - What? He was gonna wipe them out.

- Yeah, problem solved. - Guys.

- What? - What?! [clears throat]

- He wants us to come with him. - Gee, thanks, Noah.

Oh, you're welcome.

FUCHS: Zwei M?nner, gehen und finden Schmidt.

Eh? Zakila koko?

He wants to know why you stuffed your genitals into a coconut.

Because I hate this goddamn island.

Zu Laguna Mua Mua.

NOAH: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. He says you saved their lives,

so now you're friends of the Mua Mua.

Batu baruka zu zaku.

And that together, we will kill these white devils.

Nik andu.

- Uh, no offense. - None taken?

Teko besta.

And then, we'll have a huge feast.

[groans] Ekari zim.

- Oh, my gosh, really? Wow. - What?

Ah, well, he said even I could come.

- Do you not normally go to the feasts? - Oh, no, no. God, no.

[chuckles] They're... super racist.

Well, guess you can find out what a human being tastes like after all.

[chuckles] Oh, man, and this is probably gonna sound weird,

- but I could kind of eat. - A person?

Not a whole person, asshole.

But maybe, like, a drumstick?

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0