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*ARCHER*
Season 09 Episode 01 Episode Title: "Danger Island-Strange Pilot"
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No, you idiot!
I got married to my husband.
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- This is my honeymoon!
- Oh, thank God.
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00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,906
- For a minute there, I...
- I remember drinking champagne
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in the bar, and then
Whitney went off
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to play roulette in
the back room...
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He just ditched you?
What a jerk.
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00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:23,633
- Yeah. Plus, Whitney.
- But then it all goes a bit fuzzy.
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I think that patch is sexy
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00:00:26,539 --> 00:00:29,422
and I kinda want to
put my tongue in there.
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Oh, okay.
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Oh, my God!
What have I done?!
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00:00:33,727 --> 00:00:35,844
Well, hopefully not that.
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Charlotte?!
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That's him!
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- Who's him?
- My husband!
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- Duh.
- Right?
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Answer me this instant!
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00:00:43,138 --> 00:00:45,539
- You have to hide me!
- Uh, actually, I do not.
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- Wh...? Are you...?
- Ooh! Here! Hide in here!
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What the hell are you doing?
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00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:54,834
- Charlotte!
- Oh, come on, don't be a dick.
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00:00:57,107 --> 00:00:59,092
- What?
- Yes, I'm looking for my wife,
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00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,128
Mrs. Charlotte Stratton?
Nee Vandertunt?
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00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:04,209
Redhead?
Kind of flibbertigibbity?
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00:01:04,277 --> 00:01:06,724
Oh, why, yes, as a matter of fact.
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Closet.
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- What?!
- Archer!
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- C'mon, man...
- Charlotte!
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What are you doing?
You're ruining everything!
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Why the hell'd you do that?
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What'd you think,
we're going to run away
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and live happily ever after?
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I mean...
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How could I ever trust her?
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You know, plus she obviously
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- makes terrible decisions.
- I'll say.
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- You'll say what?
- What.
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- Goddamn it, Manu. If...
- Sterling!
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Mama wants you.
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Don't call her that!
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Oh, I would just murder that.
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- Me too.
- I meant sexually.
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- I meant murder-ly.
- Sterling!
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What, Mother? Jesus!
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What the hell is wrong with you?
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Me? He's the one calling you Mama.
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What?
No, not Manu, you ass.
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- Shooting off a gun in my hotel!
- Oh. Oh, right, that.
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- Oh. No, there was a rat.
- Snake.
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- Rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
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- Goddamn it.
- Are you finished?
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- Yes.
- Well, then, we are finished.
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00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,029
And apparently so
are the Strattons.
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But then I don't suppose
you'd know anything about that.
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No, I was pretty busy with the...
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- rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
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- Goddamn it!
- What?!
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- Right?
- I swear to God,
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if you can't learn to keep
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- that thing in your pants...
- It was actually in a drawer.
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Then you're going to have
to find a new place to live.
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Wha...?
Where else can I live for free?
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Oh, what, is that your point?
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My point is, as the majority
stakeholder in Archer Airways,
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I'd like to see
a return on my investment.
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Ah, well, yeah, we all would.
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- Sterling!
- And we got a charter.
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- A what?
- A boat, you fool.
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I want a boat.
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Why, Mr. Stratton,
you're down early.
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Would you care
for some breakfast?
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Porridge.
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Uh, I'm sorry?
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Save your breath
for cooling yours.
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I want a boat to take me out
to the Clipper,
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and I mean this instant.
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But I don't understand.
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- Are you...?
- And you!
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I have half a mind to give you
the worst beating of your life.
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All right, now.
You're obviously upset.
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Yeah, you're talking crazy.
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'Cause he's literally had
the shit beat out of him.
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- 'Member?
- You know...
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Well, then maybe
I'll just sue him
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for alienation of affection
and prosecute you for...
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- pandering.
- What?!
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00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,943
Yeah, I don't think
any money changed hands.
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00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:33,758
- But if it did, it would be mine.
- Well...
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Do you people think this
is some sort of joke?
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00:03:36,134 --> 00:03:39,029
- I will ruin you!
- Oh, all right.
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- Manu, call the tender.
- Yes, Mama.
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And quit calling her that!
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- Why does it bother you so much?
- Seriously?!
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Now, while you're waiting,
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00:03:48,326 --> 00:03:50,177
perhaps you'd like to
settle your account?
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I really do not get
your sense of humor.
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00:03:52,459 --> 00:03:54,919
If you think I'm paying for
that so-called honeymoon suite...
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No no, I was referring to
your marker from last night
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at the roulette table.
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Oh, all right, now
that it is funny.
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You want me to pay you
for what I lost
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in your illegal gambling den?
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Everyone out! Zis hotel is
closed until furzer notice!
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How can you close me?
Upon what grounds?
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I am shocked, shocked to find
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- that gambling is going on
in here!
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- Oh, for...
- Ha ha!
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Not to mention adultery.
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He seduced my wife.
Arrest him.
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Monsieur,
this is French territory.
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Of course adultery is not illegal.
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What about consensual buggery?
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Uh, asking for a buddy.
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All right, Reynaud, cut the merde.
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What do you want?
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Well, we can start with my
winnings from last night.
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- Fair enough.
- I beg your...
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- Now, just a damn minute!
- Merci.
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What?!
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- The tender is waiting.
- No! I demand that
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- you arrest her!
- You demand it?
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00:04:53,990 --> 00:04:57,393
- I most certainly...
- Doudou? Aide monsieur a bord.
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What...?
No, I... Ow!
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You people haven't heard the
last of Whitney Stratton IV!
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Oh, I bet we have...
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- Pastis?
- Mmm, un petit.
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00:05:09,130 --> 00:05:10,930
And then you can explain to me
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00:05:10,998 --> 00:05:13,594
why I hear gunshots
coming from your hotel.
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00:05:13,662 --> 00:05:15,612
- Sterling?
- Yeah, sorry.
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- There was a rat-snake.
- Snake-rat.
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- Pam!
- What?!
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Whatever the reason.
Idiots!
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I can assure you, that
was the last time
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you're ever going to hear...
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Alors.
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00:05:37,524 --> 00:05:39,367
What is wrong with you?
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00:05:39,458 --> 00:05:41,671
- Me?
- She's crazy.
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I'm just trying
to calm her down, you know,
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doing my thing,
and then out of nowhere,
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the crazy broad grabs the gun
and tries to shoot me.
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- Me, Crackers!
- Because why are you talking?!
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How can a bird be talking?!
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He is parrot.
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Actually, technically, I'm a macaw,
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00:06:00,623 --> 00:06:02,062
which is actually a type of parrot,
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00:06:02,130 --> 00:06:04,367
so I-I'm technically
a parrot, actually.
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00:06:04,438 --> 00:06:05,646
But I mean, technically,
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- I'm, you know...
- Rambling?
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I almost died, woman!
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00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:11,474
I know.
Here, get some of this down ya.
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- I mean...
- But... But how?
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- How can he do that?
- He's a parrot!
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- Well...
- Shut up, bird.
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He talks.
That's just how it is.
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Don't make a big thing out of it.
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- Don't make a big thing out of it?!
- See! She just flips!
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- You destroyed my marriage.
- Hey, it takes two to tango.
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And obviously, you guys
already had some problems, so...
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You want to talk problems?!
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Zut alors...
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My marriage is ruined.
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When my family finds out why,
they will disown me.
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As will all of New York society.
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I have no money,
no job, no skills,
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and no prospects,
and it's all your fault!
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And so right now, the
only thing I want
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in this world, besides
for you to die
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00:06:56,146 --> 00:06:59,044
of some heretofore unknown
form of eyehole cancer,
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00:06:59,146 --> 00:07:02,623
is to get off this
godforsaken island!
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00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:18,044
- And... when does it come back?
- Ahem. Two weeks?
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00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:21,029
- And Whitney's on it?
- Mm-hmm.
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Oh, come on now,
it's not that bad...
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He has my passport!
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00:07:29,271 --> 00:07:30,888
What do you mean?!
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00:07:30,956 --> 00:07:33,123
I mean just that,
it is impossible.
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To get a passport,
you have to go to the consulate
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in Papeete, on Tahiti.
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00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:39,797
- Well, how far is that?
- As the crow flies?
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00:07:39,865 --> 00:07:40,969
Ugh, crows.
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00:07:41,037 --> 00:07:43,412
On the supply ship,
it takes about a week.
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00:07:43,490 --> 00:07:45,494
- A week?!
- It makes other stops.
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00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:50,154
And it will be here in...
one month.
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00:07:58,753 --> 00:08:01,526
Of course, it's only
three hours by plane.
185
00:08:01,643 --> 00:08:04,620
Well, news flash, lady,
the plane just left!
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00:08:04,722 --> 00:08:07,581
Yeah, so, air travel's not
really an option here, Mother.
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00:08:07,784 --> 00:08:09,784
Well, now, wait a minute...
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00:08:09,854 --> 00:08:11,599
- Mother...
- Sterling, dear,
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00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:13,776
couldn't you just take
her in your plane?
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00:08:14,511 --> 00:08:16,450
- Your what?
- Hey, yeah!
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00:08:16,518 --> 00:08:19,996
- No, actually, Mother, I can't.
- Well, why ever not?
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00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:25,065
- Because! Uh, because...
- Presumably...
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00:08:25,253 --> 00:08:28,537
because you can't tell time.
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00:08:28,886 --> 00:08:32,122
Her royal highness,
Princess Lanaluakalani.
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00:08:32,190 --> 00:08:35,378
- Latou te iloa.
- Votre Altesse.
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00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:40,341
Ah, Capitaine Reynaud. Et pourquoi
me parles-tu en fran?ais?
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00:08:40,409 --> 00:08:44,154
Parce que la langue officielle
de Mitimotu est fran?ais.
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00:08:44,222 --> 00:08:46,388
Oui, en ce moment.
199
00:08:46,487 --> 00:08:50,761
Now, can someone please explain
to me why Mr. Fuchs and I
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00:08:50,893 --> 00:08:53,940
aren't sipping champagne
in the plane I chartered?
201
00:08:54,073 --> 00:08:56,560
- Uh, well...
- For one thing, we don't do that.
202
00:08:56,628 --> 00:08:59,128
- And secondly, Fuchs?
- Yeah?
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00:08:59,229 --> 00:09:01,253
Well, we could, and we're
happy to, Your Highness.
204
00:09:01,425 --> 00:09:05,763
Or even... I bet we could
even mix you up some Bellinis.
205
00:09:05,831 --> 00:09:07,042
- We have fresh peaches?
- No.
206
00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:09,661
Then shut up!
The point is, Your Highness,
207
00:09:09,729 --> 00:09:12,315
- my plane is your plane.
- Well, then...
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00:09:12,487 --> 00:09:16,386
What?! I don't care who you are,
lady, I've got dibs on that plane.
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00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,151
Reynaud?
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00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:21,599
I'm very sorry, madame,
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00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:26,104
but we have strict law against
vagrancy, and you have no money.
212
00:09:27,464 --> 00:09:30,566
Alors, for your dinner,
one turnip.
213
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,331
You must be kidding.
214
00:09:35,726 --> 00:09:37,755
Are you sure this thing can fly?
215
00:09:37,823 --> 00:09:39,870
Oh, don't worry about
ol' Lucy Goosey.
216
00:09:39,987 --> 00:09:43,058
She may not look like much,
but that's...
217
00:09:44,339 --> 00:09:47,177
- mainly cosmetic. Flaps!
- Well, except for the fue...
218
00:09:47,245 --> 00:09:49,154
- I just...
- Flaps, goddamn it, flaps!
219
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:51,083
Okay, Your Highness,
as you requested,
220
00:09:51,151 --> 00:09:53,628
we'll be making a big
loop around the island,
221
00:09:53,722 --> 00:09:55,942
so just sit back and relax.
222
00:09:56,793 --> 00:09:59,097
That is physically impossible.
223
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:01,763
Uh. Ja, zis is
not a good airplane.
224
00:10:02,089 --> 00:10:04,299
I hope it at least has parachutes.
225
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,471
There's actually only three, so...
226
00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:07,604
Gott im Himmel!
227
00:10:07,672 --> 00:10:10,746
Oh, yes, I talk. Get over it.
228
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,745
No, Your Highness, I just meant
229
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:27,761
it's kinda weird though,
right?
230
00:10:27,829 --> 00:10:29,915
I think he's just
reacting to the music.
231
00:10:30,141 --> 00:10:33,744
- Thanks, you just defined dancing.
- Shut up, bird!
232
00:10:33,909 --> 00:10:36,544
No, I mean, it's not a big
island, so the fact that
233
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,300
we've never run into each
other, kinda weird, right?
234
00:10:39,393 --> 00:10:42,850
No.
And should you... be drinking?
235
00:10:44,496 --> 00:10:45,526
- Yes.
- I...
236
00:10:45,594 --> 00:10:46,971
So what's your story, Fuchs?
237
00:10:47,039 --> 00:10:48,737
What brings you out here
to Mitimotu?
238
00:10:48,844 --> 00:10:51,880
- Er, uh, well, er...
- Breadfruit.
239
00:10:51,948 --> 00:10:54,411
Oh, ja! I will make a plantation.
240
00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:57,495
- A plantation? Where?
- Down there. On the island.
241
00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:59,638
Creating many jobs for our people.
242
00:10:59,706 --> 00:11:02,536
As what,
artisanal coffin builders?
243
00:11:02,604 --> 00:11:04,034
- Was?
- Nothing.
244
00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,354
Nothing but danger.
245
00:11:05,479 --> 00:11:08,141
That jungle's stuffed
to the tits with quicksand,
246
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:11,005
ferocious baboons,
poisonous snakes...
247
00:11:11,073 --> 00:11:13,893
- Poisonous frogs.
- The frogs are poisonous?
248
00:11:13,961 --> 00:11:16,222
- Mildly.
- Insanely. I mean,
249
00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:18,831
you get hit by a dart
slathered with frog poison...?
250
00:11:18,899 --> 00:11:20,613
- Will you...?
- A dart? From where?
251
00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:21,889
- The cannibals.
- Please!
252
00:11:21,965 --> 00:11:23,532
- What cannibals?!
- The...
253
00:11:23,651 --> 00:11:27,292
- The Mua Mua! Man, they are...
- Simply a small native tribe
254
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,206
that has had very
limited experience
255
00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:31,581
with people from the outside world.
256
00:11:34,001 --> 00:11:35,505
- Except as food.
- If you...
257
00:11:35,573 --> 00:11:37,292
Although compared to the dragons...
258
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,513
What dragons?!
259
00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:40,208
Oh. They're just
extremely big lizards.
260
00:11:40,276 --> 00:11:42,065
You told me
none of these dangers!
261
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:44,033
Because the dangers...
262
00:11:44,151 --> 00:11:47,026
aren't that dangerous.
And if Mister...
263
00:11:47,094 --> 00:11:48,158
- Archer!
- Thank you.
264
00:11:48,226 --> 00:11:50,940
- If Mister...
- No, Archer, come here! Like now!
265
00:11:51,268 --> 00:11:53,389
- What's happening?
- Is there a problem?
266
00:11:53,531 --> 00:11:54,815
No.
267
00:11:57,358 --> 00:11:59,827
- What is your problem?
- It's not my problem, it's Lucy's!
268
00:11:59,895 --> 00:12:02,972
- Her fuel pressure's dropping!
- Son of a...
269
00:12:03,118 --> 00:12:04,612
Why do you always do this?
270
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,615
I mean, I finally meet
someone I might like,
271
00:12:06,683 --> 00:12:08,768
we're having fun,
getting to know each other,
272
00:12:08,925 --> 00:12:11,714
I'm being super charming, but no,
273
00:12:11,807 --> 00:12:15,792
I'm not allowed to be happy
because you're a big, jealous baby!
274
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,386
Oh. You're talking to me?
275
00:12:18,513 --> 00:12:20,675
- Who else is there?!
- The fuel pump.
276
00:12:20,743 --> 00:12:23,092
Oh, right.
Okay, I've got a plan.
277
00:12:25,953 --> 00:12:27,159
I'm all ears.
278
00:12:27,689 --> 00:12:29,380
- What is wrong?
- Was ist los?!
279
00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:31,157
Nothing, all good.
Have some bubbles.
280
00:12:31,247 --> 00:12:32,393
Feather props!
281
00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:33,927
Feather one!
Feather two!
282
00:12:33,995 --> 00:12:35,435
Nein! Let me go!
283
00:12:35,503 --> 00:12:36,608
Okay, now let me see if we...
284
00:12:36,675 --> 00:12:39,607
- We are going to die up here!
- No, we're not!
285
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,458
Yeah, it's the ground
that kills ya.
286
00:12:41,526 --> 00:12:42,697
- Thanks.
- Eh.
287
00:12:42,794 --> 00:12:44,802
But how can we fly
with no engines?!
288
00:12:44,870 --> 00:12:46,357
The same way a bird does...
289
00:12:46,425 --> 00:12:48,154
Flapping around
with hollow bones?
290
00:12:48,222 --> 00:12:49,384
Shut up, bird!
291
00:12:49,452 --> 00:12:51,974
We're gonna glide
right into a smooth landing.
292
00:12:52,042 --> 00:12:54,348
Where?!
The island has no runway!
293
00:12:54,416 --> 00:12:57,573
- The ocean is the runway.
- But...
294
00:12:57,676 --> 00:13:00,081
Wh...?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
295
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:03,566
- Well, it was.
- Goddamn it, Fuchs!
296
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:06,815
Ach! Why would someone put
the landing gear control there?!
297
00:13:06,883 --> 00:13:08,729
Because they didn't
know you're an asshole?
298
00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,714
- Get 'em up!
- Love to...
299
00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:12,832
- But...
- Goddamn it!
300
00:13:12,941 --> 00:13:15,201
- What?!
- We can't land on the water
301
00:13:15,269 --> 00:13:19,277
- if the frickin' wheels are down!
- And if there is no runway...
302
00:13:19,345 --> 00:13:21,300
Oof! What are you doing?
303
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:22,893
Parachutes!
304
00:13:24,166 --> 00:13:25,526
Where are the parachutes?!
305
00:13:25,636 --> 00:13:28,229
- Oh, for the... You pussy!
- No, he's right!
306
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,698
- What?
- Ah-ha!
307
00:13:29,823 --> 00:13:32,051
- You all gotta bail out!
- Oka atua!
308
00:13:32,151 --> 00:13:35,189
Go on! I'll get us over land,
you get the princess in a chute,
309
00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:37,409
get her down safe,
and get her home safe!
310
00:13:37,487 --> 00:13:39,526
- What about you?!
- I'll try to bring Lucy down
311
00:13:39,659 --> 00:13:41,995
easy in the water.
Go on, I'll be fine!
312
00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:45,753
- No you won't!
- Just go, you big dumb ox!
313
00:13:47,081 --> 00:13:51,565
Wow.
Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.
314
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:54,908
Vater Unser im Himmel,
geheiligt werde dein Name...
315
00:13:54,976 --> 00:13:56,440
Better pray I don't
kick your ass...
316
00:13:56,578 --> 00:13:58,917
- What do we do? What do we do?
- Well, the first thing
317
00:13:58,987 --> 00:14:00,548
you want to do, is
take some deep breaths.
318
00:14:00,615 --> 00:14:02,348
While you help her put that on!
319
00:14:02,479 --> 00:14:05,718
You help her!
I'm getting... owwww!
320
00:14:05,839 --> 00:14:09,356
Your fists are like...
Dosenschinken!
321
00:14:09,424 --> 00:14:10,698
Yeah, I get that a lot.
322
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:12,558
Hey! We don't have all day here!
323
00:14:12,651 --> 00:14:14,716
Once we get below a thousand feet,
324
00:14:14,784 --> 00:14:16,629
those chutes are
basically just laundry!
325
00:14:16,697 --> 00:14:18,964
Hang on, we're almost ready!
326
00:14:19,081 --> 00:14:22,002
- Will you hurry up?!
- Will you shut up?!
327
00:14:22,073 --> 00:14:23,703
- There! Happy?
- Not really!
328
00:14:23,705 --> 00:14:28,041
Okay, you two! Jesus!
You can bitch on the way down.
329
00:14:28,143 --> 00:14:30,917
- What is all that for?!
- Protection.
330
00:14:31,046 --> 00:14:32,447
We weren't kidding
about that jungle.
331
00:14:32,514 --> 00:14:34,341
Come on, Pam,
it's now or never!
332
00:14:34,409 --> 00:14:36,983
Let's go, people!
Move! Move! Move!
333
00:14:47,429 --> 00:14:49,964
Ow, my twat!
334
00:14:50,284 --> 00:14:53,167
Good luck.
Except for you, Fuchs.
335
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,101
I hope you wind up as an entree.
336
00:14:55,276 --> 00:14:58,097
Hey, Crackers?
Crackers, come here, buddy!
337
00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:01,591
- Okay, so listen...
- Yeah, not great, huh?
338
00:15:01,659 --> 00:15:04,308
No, no, not great.
I'm gonna do the best I can,
339
00:15:04,412 --> 00:15:05,526
but we're gonna hit the water
340
00:15:05,594 --> 00:15:07,385
pretty hard,
probably even flip over.
341
00:15:07,453 --> 00:15:08,231
Mm-hmm.
342
00:15:08,299 --> 00:15:10,385
But there's a bunch of
life jackets in the storage locker,
343
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:13,823
so I want you to get in there
and hunker down, okay, buddy?
344
00:15:13,891 --> 00:15:16,258
Hopefully that'll
cushion the impact.
345
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,493
Oh. You're talking to me.
346
00:15:20,688 --> 00:15:22,062
Wh...? Who else would I be...?
347
00:15:22,345 --> 00:15:23,790
- Oh.
- Yeah.
348
00:15:23,932 --> 00:15:25,832
- You can fly.
- Yeah.
349
00:15:25,954 --> 00:15:27,934
So you're outta here.
350
00:15:28,087 --> 00:15:29,902
- Is that weird?
- I mean...
351
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:32,509
Well, yeah, obviously it's
weird if you make it weird.
352
00:15:32,579 --> 00:15:34,384
Okay, you know what?!
353
00:15:36,314 --> 00:15:39,704
Aaaassshoooole!
354
00:15:41,181 --> 00:15:43,082
Yeah, I'm the asshole.
355
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:46,568
Okay, Lucy!
Here we go!
356
00:15:54,185 --> 00:15:57,930
Next time on
Archer: Danger Island:
357
00:16:02,136 --> 00:16:05,145
Fuel pump piece of shit!
358
00:16:08,365 --> 00:16:09,771
Oh.
359
00:16:09,998 --> 00:16:12,473
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
360
00:16:12,753 --> 00:16:16,828
Now who's the asshole?
Stupid bird.
361
00:16:16,878 --> 00:16:21,428
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