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1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,767
So, what are we doing? Are we just
jumping right into this, or--
2
00:00:05,803 --> 00:00:08,737
Not literally, you ass! You scared me half
to death! Ow! Ow! Will you-- Ow! Damn it!
3
00:00:08,772 --> 00:00:11,673
You idiot!
Ow! Stop it!
4
00:00:12,225 --> 00:00:14,291
What is your-- Ow!
[huffs]
5
00:00:14,327 --> 00:00:16,093
I would like a drink, please.
6
00:00:16,129 --> 00:00:18,095
Ow. Join this
great new club.
7
00:00:18,131 --> 00:00:20,798
Brandy, if you have it.
Fresh out, turns out.
8
00:00:20,833 --> 00:00:24,301
Good Lord. You should have your
underbutler fire the housekeeper.
9
00:00:24,337 --> 00:00:27,938
Yeah, maybe after he's done getting
the caviar stains out of my spats.
10
00:00:27,974 --> 00:00:29,507
I was being facetious,
Mr. Archer.
11
00:00:29,542 --> 00:00:30,975
I--
I know you're poor.
12
00:00:31,010 --> 00:00:34,085
Well, middle class.
This cannot be the middle.
13
00:00:34,205 --> 00:00:36,447
Look, Miss...
Vandertunt.
14
00:00:36,482 --> 00:00:38,949
Heiress to the vast Vandertunt
publishing fortune.
15
00:00:38,985 --> 00:00:41,986
Right.
So, I've had a long day.
16
00:00:42,021 --> 00:00:44,522
[gulping]
17
00:00:49,362 --> 00:00:52,329
[gulping continues]
18
00:00:52,365 --> 00:00:55,166
My partner was murdered.
My office was burgled.
19
00:00:55,201 --> 00:00:57,635
I pissed off two crime bosses
and a dirty cop,
20
00:00:57,670 --> 00:00:59,670
and crushed the ankles
of a psychopath who,
21
00:00:59,705 --> 00:01:01,605
just for kicks, melts people.
22
00:01:01,641 --> 00:01:04,141
So, as much as I would
genuinely like to,
23
00:01:04,177 --> 00:01:07,178
I'm afraid I don't have time
to kill you.
24
00:01:07,213 --> 00:01:09,313
You misunderstand me,
Mr. Archer.
25
00:01:09,348 --> 00:01:11,916
I want you to help me
fake my death.
26
00:01:11,951 --> 00:01:15,920
For which I am prepared
to offer you $10,000.
27
00:01:15,955 --> 00:01:17,988
Oh.
And my body.
28
00:01:18,024 --> 00:01:19,623
The ten grand is plenty.
29
00:01:19,659 --> 00:01:21,792
I'm afraid
this is nonnegotiable.
30
00:01:23,129 --> 00:01:24,962
[breathily]
Do your worst.
31
00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:27,798
[chuckles]
I will.
32
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:29,667
[theme]
33
00:01:58,476 --> 00:02:02,476
- Synced and corrected by honeybunny -
- Re-synced by darthfrede - www.addic7ed.com
34
00:02:07,226 --> 00:02:10,021
Ugh, so when I said do your worst...
35
00:02:10,141 --> 00:02:13,009
[chuckling]
I-- I know. Sorry. Long day.
36
00:02:13,044 --> 00:02:15,878
Uh, plus my ear hurts?
[gasps]
37
00:02:15,914 --> 00:02:17,380
[singsongy]
I have codeine!
38
00:02:18,971 --> 00:02:20,516
[Archer]
Because heirs to fortunes
39
00:02:20,552 --> 00:02:23,219
like your family's
don't fake their own deaths.
40
00:02:23,254 --> 00:02:27,190
They murder their parents and blame
it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
41
00:02:27,225 --> 00:02:30,760
Yes, I thought about that, but I
don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.
42
00:02:30,795 --> 00:02:33,596
No, they make up
the Hispanic or Negro.
43
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:35,198
I honestly wouldn't know
where to begin.
44
00:02:35,233 --> 00:02:37,433
Okay, but--
Boy, these are good.
45
00:02:37,469 --> 00:02:39,802
Mmm! Aren't they?
Zesty.
46
00:02:39,838 --> 00:02:42,405
But putting aside, for now, why
you'd want to fake your own death--
47
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:45,374
Because I have to
get away from my family.
48
00:02:45,410 --> 00:02:47,844
They're a seething cauldron
of neurotic, alcoholic,
49
00:02:47,879 --> 00:02:51,247
narcissistic, quasi-incestuous
megalomaniacs!
50
00:02:52,417 --> 00:02:53,716
How quasi?
51
00:02:53,718 --> 00:02:55,751
[sighs]
I don't know. A four?
52
00:02:55,787 --> 00:02:58,287
Out of what?
Are you going to help me or not?
53
00:02:58,323 --> 00:03:01,691
I-- Look, I really don't think
you've thought this thing through.
54
00:03:01,726 --> 00:03:05,828
Mm. For starters, even if you pull this
off, what are you gonna do for money?
55
00:03:05,864 --> 00:03:08,631
Well, I--
I shall work, of course.
56
00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:10,032
[chuckles]
As what?
57
00:03:10,068 --> 00:03:12,034
Uh, one of those.
58
00:03:12,070 --> 00:03:14,103
A... food-perambulator.
59
00:03:14,139 --> 00:03:17,573
Well, my apologies. I thought you
were heading into this half-cocked.
60
00:03:17,609 --> 00:03:21,077
Said the pot to the kettle.
[giggles] My ear hurt!
61
00:03:21,112 --> 00:03:24,347
You're not some runaway kid whose
family couldn't care less she's gone.
62
00:03:24,382 --> 00:03:25,748
They're gonna
be looking for you.
63
00:03:25,783 --> 00:03:28,017
So, to make this work,
you'd need a body.
64
00:03:28,052 --> 00:03:31,087
And not just any body.
A body your same size,
65
00:03:31,122 --> 00:03:33,623
same height and weight, your
same general bone structure.
66
00:03:33,658 --> 00:03:37,126
A body-- I mean, if you're gonna
do what has to be done here,
67
00:03:37,162 --> 00:03:41,264
a body with your exact same
dental records. [squealing]
68
00:03:41,299 --> 00:03:43,933
[laughing giddily]
Who is that?
69
00:03:43,968 --> 00:03:46,402
I don't know!
[laughs]
70
00:03:46,437 --> 00:03:49,105
I mean, obviously she's a maid.
Really.
71
00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,774
I just don't know her name, because--
She's a maid?
72
00:03:51,809 --> 00:03:53,176
Obviously.
73
00:03:53,211 --> 00:03:54,277
Did you kill her?
74
00:03:54,312 --> 00:03:57,146
Wha-- No! Jesus!
[scoffs]
75
00:03:58,449 --> 00:04:00,049
My brother did.
[exhales]
76
00:04:00,084 --> 00:04:02,985
Well, technically, I suppose
the drunken abortionist did.
77
00:04:03,021 --> 00:04:05,288
But my brother got her pregnant
in the first place.
78
00:04:05,323 --> 00:04:07,156
And my father
would've killed her
79
00:04:07,192 --> 00:04:09,492
if she had refused
to get an abortion, so...
80
00:04:09,527 --> 00:04:11,928
But, I mean, not really?
Really.
81
00:04:11,963 --> 00:04:14,564
Why do you think my father started
the Spanish-American War?
82
00:04:14,599 --> 00:04:16,999
Wasn't it sugar?
He got my aunt pregnant.
83
00:04:17,035 --> 00:04:20,970
And sugar?
I guess. I don't know. Shut up!
84
00:04:21,005 --> 00:04:23,739
[sighs] The point is,
this poor girl was dead
85
00:04:23,775 --> 00:04:26,609
the minute her panties hit the straw.
The--
86
00:04:26,644 --> 00:04:28,144
In the stables.
Ah.
87
00:04:28,179 --> 00:04:30,980
But want to know the best part?
That wasn't it?
88
00:04:31,015 --> 00:04:33,583
Look!
What are you-- Uh, no, don't--
89
00:04:33,618 --> 00:04:35,918
Not one cavity, not one filling!
90
00:04:35,954 --> 00:04:38,588
Since when and how do you know that?
Don't you see?
91
00:04:38,623 --> 00:04:40,923
Her teeth are perfect.
My teeth are perfect.
92
00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:42,925
Ergo, this plan is perfect!
93
00:04:42,961 --> 00:04:46,095
I mean, dentally, maybe,
but if she just disappears?
94
00:04:46,130 --> 00:04:48,664
Think of her family.
Do you think I haven't?
95
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:49,799
Yes.
What?
96
00:04:49,834 --> 00:04:51,400
I think you haven't.
97
00:04:51,436 --> 00:04:53,302
[sighs]
If you help me do this,
98
00:04:53,338 --> 00:04:55,304
I'll make an anonymous payment
to her family
99
00:04:55,340 --> 00:04:57,073
for an additional $10,000.
100
00:04:57,108 --> 00:04:59,075
Um, how does that
bring them closure?
101
00:04:59,110 --> 00:05:01,677
[scoffs] It comes with a
note saying she's dead.
102
00:05:01,713 --> 00:05:05,348
Look, nothing we can do will bring
this poor girl back to life.
103
00:05:05,383 --> 00:05:08,084
I know, but--
Not even a voodoo priestess,
104
00:05:08,119 --> 00:05:10,086
flown here from Haiti
at great expense,
105
00:05:10,121 --> 00:05:12,188
and then every year,
on Grandma's birthday,
106
00:05:12,223 --> 00:05:14,190
they throw it your face!
Uh...
107
00:05:14,225 --> 00:05:15,825
So the best thing we can do now
108
00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:17,860
is to fill this car
to the rafters with dynamite
109
00:05:17,895 --> 00:05:20,363
and shove it over a cliff.
[chuckles]
110
00:05:20,398 --> 00:05:22,698
That is literally
the worst thing we can do.
111
00:05:22,734 --> 00:05:24,467
Oh, right.
[sighs]
112
00:05:24,502 --> 00:05:27,036
Dynamite would blow her teeth
all over the stupid beach.
113
00:05:27,071 --> 00:05:29,587
Well, and--
And then what's the point?
114
00:05:30,508 --> 00:05:31,474
[crunching]
115
00:05:31,509 --> 00:05:33,376
Exactly.
116
00:05:39,389 --> 00:05:42,957
So we'll fake the crash tonight, but
first we're gonna plant a few seeds.
117
00:05:42,992 --> 00:05:45,960
[scoffs] First of all,
if I wanted your seed--
118
00:05:45,995 --> 00:05:47,528
Seeds of deception.
119
00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:49,397
Oh, sorry.
I thought you meant--
120
00:05:49,399 --> 00:05:51,232
I know what you meant.
121
00:05:51,234 --> 00:05:52,900
What in God's name
are you doing?
122
00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:54,952
Scrooching down.
Well, stop it!
123
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,621
Stop that this instant!
You stop--
124
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:59,791
Shut up. I don't want anybody
in Dreamland to see me.
125
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:03,161
Well, I don't want anyone to see
me being chauffeured by a dwarf!
126
00:06:03,213 --> 00:06:07,715
Yeah. Then we'd have to find a dead
dwarf and a tiny chauffeur uniform.
127
00:06:07,750 --> 00:06:10,134
Why?
To-- Oh, never mind.
128
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:13,254
But she can't be dressed like a maid,
so we need to put her in your clothes.
129
00:06:13,256 --> 00:06:15,923
[gasps] Right! Then we
should go to my hotel.
130
00:06:15,925 --> 00:06:18,009
Which is...
131
00:06:18,061 --> 00:06:20,478
Nice?
Where--
132
00:06:20,513 --> 00:06:22,814
Oh!
...is your hotel?
133
00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:26,267
The Chesley, on Sunset.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
134
00:06:26,269 --> 00:06:29,187
[snorting chuckle]
That's what I said.
135
00:06:29,239 --> 00:06:31,105
[guffawing]
[groans]
136
00:06:32,909 --> 00:06:35,409
[Dutch crying]
[Trexler] Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on.
137
00:06:35,445 --> 00:06:37,378
Where's my tough guy?
138
00:06:37,413 --> 00:06:40,047
Huh?
Where's my tough old Dutch?
139
00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:42,450
[sniffles]
There he is.
140
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,252
Huh? Now listen.
[sniffles]
141
00:06:44,287 --> 00:06:46,754
Shut up and listen to me, okay?
142
00:06:46,789 --> 00:06:48,389
Because I know--
[stifled sob]
143
00:06:48,424 --> 00:06:51,058
I know this isn't,
you know, ideal,
144
00:06:51,094 --> 00:06:53,261
but you gotta
pull yourself together!
145
00:06:53,296 --> 00:06:54,795
[sobbing]
No, no. I'm sorry.
146
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,631
That was a poor choice of words,
147
00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,299
but for Christ's sake, man.
148
00:06:58,334 --> 00:07:00,134
There's two dead men
walking around there
149
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,769
who stole from me--
[crying softly]
150
00:07:01,804 --> 00:07:05,806
i.e., my whores, and from you,
i.e., your feet!
151
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,075
And you are gonna find them,
152
00:07:08,111 --> 00:07:10,745
and you are gonna
bring them to me,
153
00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:14,749
and then I'm gonna make them wish they
were in hell with a case of the clap!
154
00:07:14,784 --> 00:07:16,417
How can I?
[sniffles]
155
00:07:16,452 --> 00:07:18,686
They took my feet, Lenny.
156
00:07:18,721 --> 00:07:22,823
They took my [sobbing]
fee-ee-ee-ee-eet!
157
00:07:24,827 --> 00:07:26,460
[sniffles]
Ow.
158
00:07:26,496 --> 00:07:28,095
Ow!
Shut up.
159
00:07:28,131 --> 00:07:29,430
[dial tone]
Sorry.
160
00:07:29,465 --> 00:07:30,831
I don't pay you to be sorry.
161
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,633
I pay you to make
other people sorry.
162
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:34,268
Now here.
[line ringing]
163
00:07:34,304 --> 00:07:35,703
Do what he tells you.
164
00:07:35,738 --> 00:07:37,538
What who tells me?
165
00:07:37,574 --> 00:07:40,041
The guy that's gonna fix you.
166
00:07:40,076 --> 00:07:41,275
[man]
Hello?
167
00:07:41,311 --> 00:07:43,311
[speaking German]
168
00:07:43,554 --> 00:07:45,515
_
169
00:07:45,915 --> 00:07:48,182
[Archer] What?
[Charlotte] Absolutely not!
170
00:07:48,184 --> 00:07:50,051
Why not?
I'm not gonna stuff
171
00:07:50,086 --> 00:07:52,053
that poor girl into my clothes,
in the trunk of a car,
172
00:07:52,088 --> 00:07:54,355
like so much...
forcemeat!
173
00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:56,958
So much what?
Forcemeat. Such as one might find
174
00:07:56,993 --> 00:07:59,193
in a quenelle, roulade,
or galantine.
175
00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:01,596
[scoffs] Well, now you're
just being obtuse.
176
00:08:01,631 --> 00:08:03,998
I'm being obtuse?
Yes.
177
00:08:04,033 --> 00:08:07,501
As opposed to you, who wants to
parade a corpse through a hotel lobby
178
00:08:07,537 --> 00:08:09,537
just so you can dress her
in your room?
179
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,472
Well, I'd hardly
call this a parade.
180
00:08:11,507 --> 00:08:13,808
[man] Oh, good morning, Miss Vandertunt.
[gasps]
181
00:08:13,843 --> 00:08:15,376
Can I... help you?
182
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,478
No. We're fine.
No, thank you.
183
00:08:17,513 --> 00:08:20,314
My maid, whose name is, um...
184
00:08:20,350 --> 00:08:22,450
Berenice?
Somewhat obviously.
185
00:08:22,485 --> 00:08:24,552
Berenice! Yes, Berenice.
186
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,688
And she was dead drunk
in a nearby saloon.
187
00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:29,223
Poor thing.
[chuckles]
188
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,158
The curse of the Irish,
and so forth.
189
00:08:31,194 --> 00:08:33,427
Ah, jeez.
Well, let's get her inside.
190
00:08:33,463 --> 00:08:35,563
No! Oh, no.
Thank you. Thank you.
191
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,932
No. We'll use this one.
No, no, no.
192
00:08:37,967 --> 00:08:40,067
That-- That one's good. Let's--
No, this one!
193
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,270
No! We are not
going through
194
00:08:42,305 --> 00:08:44,605
a revolving door with Berenice.
195
00:08:44,641 --> 00:08:48,109
But it wastes so much less air
conditioning than a regular door.
196
00:08:48,144 --> 00:08:51,012
The regular door
is wide-ass open!
197
00:08:51,047 --> 00:08:53,347
Oh, right.
Well, then, what's the point?
198
00:08:53,383 --> 00:08:54,882
Exactly.
199
00:08:54,917 --> 00:08:56,584
[bell dings]
Honestly,
200
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,079
I don't know why
you're so angry.
201
00:08:58,199 --> 00:09:00,855
Which I think is why I'm so angry.
[bell dings]
202
00:09:00,890 --> 00:09:03,190
And I can see why you would be.
[Trexler] Oh, yeah?
203
00:09:03,226 --> 00:09:05,326
I mean, you don't think
I'm being unreasonable?
204
00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:07,728
No! I mean, no-- I mean--
205
00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:10,731
Because not only
did I pay a lot of money
206
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,733
for those magical
disappearing whores,
207
00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:15,269
I also paid you a lot of money.
208
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,004
Well, yes, but that was--
209
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,540
I mean, that was more
to look the other way, so--
210
00:09:19,575 --> 00:09:21,275
Figuratively!
211
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,877
Not literally,
212
00:09:22,912 --> 00:09:25,146
while those assholes
were taking my load!
213
00:09:25,181 --> 00:09:26,714
[snickering]
214
00:09:26,749 --> 00:09:27,982
[clears throat]
215
00:09:28,017 --> 00:09:30,318
Do you have a cat?
I smell dander.
216
00:09:30,353 --> 00:09:33,287
Now, you listen to me, Figgis, you
schnorrer. You're gonna find my whores,
217
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,423
and you are gonna find
the bastards who took my whores,
218
00:09:35,458 --> 00:09:37,391
and crippled
my right-hand man, or--
219
00:09:37,427 --> 00:09:40,194
Or--
I'm just spit-balling here--
220
00:09:40,229 --> 00:09:42,463
what if I just
gave you back the money?
221
00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:45,533
Because I do not want the money!
222
00:09:45,568 --> 00:09:49,570
That is why I exchanged the money
for goods and/or services,
223
00:09:49,605 --> 00:09:52,340
which is the core concept
of economics.
224
00:09:52,375 --> 00:09:54,175
Isn't it sugar?
225
00:09:54,210 --> 00:09:57,178
Or, like, scarcity...
of sugar?
226
00:09:57,213 --> 00:09:59,613
You got one week, Figgis.
Or else.
227
00:09:59,649 --> 00:10:02,650
Wow. Goosebumps.
228
00:10:02,652 --> 00:10:06,482
A week? How in the risen Christ
am I supposed to find them in a week?
229
00:10:06,602 --> 00:10:09,990
I don't even know where to think
about thinking to start looking!
230
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:13,194
[chattering in Chinese]
Okay, okay! Okay!
231
00:10:13,229 --> 00:10:16,163
Okay! Goddamn it!
[chattering stops]
232
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:18,699
Okay. I gotta go to work,
but I'll be back tonight.
233
00:10:18,735 --> 00:10:21,235
And when I get back, I wouldn't
mind if the place smelled
234
00:10:21,270 --> 00:10:23,371
like Lemon Pledge
and orange chicken.
235
00:10:23,406 --> 00:10:26,006
Mm, maybe Chinatown?
236
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,060
Oh, yeah. - Hey, and while we're at it,
why not regular China?
237
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:32,680
Or maybe Sarcastic Island, off the
coast of That Was Uncalled For.
238
00:10:32,682 --> 00:10:35,182
Will you shut up?
Gladly.
239
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:38,519
And then ask yourself...
cui bono?
240
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:42,723
[Archer] What?
I said, "Why was your office ransacked?"
241
00:10:42,759 --> 00:10:47,094
Because somebody killed my partner, and he
left an envelope full of clues in the safe.
242
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:50,398
Why on earth would he do that?
What? No, not the killer, my--
243
00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:52,400
And what on earth are you doing?
244
00:10:52,435 --> 00:10:54,602
Trying to offset
some of the blue.
245
00:10:54,637 --> 00:10:56,937
She looks like a--
a rodeo clown.
246
00:10:56,973 --> 00:10:59,106
You've clearly
never been to a rodeo.
247
00:10:59,142 --> 00:11:03,110
Must you rob this poor girl of
her very last shred of dignity?
248
00:11:03,146 --> 00:11:05,713
You did that! You did
that when you stuffed her
249
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:09,022
in the trunk of your Rolls-Royce,
you spoiled little--
250
00:11:10,453 --> 00:11:12,019
[muffled grunting]
251
00:11:13,556 --> 00:11:16,290
Wait. Really?
Mm!
252
00:11:16,325 --> 00:11:18,926
[breathily] Ohh... Okay.
253
00:11:18,961 --> 00:11:20,761
[muffled grunting]
254
00:11:20,797 --> 00:11:22,029
[zipper unzips]
255
00:11:22,064 --> 00:11:24,598
Oh! Cover her face.
256
00:11:24,634 --> 00:11:26,267
[chuckling, muttering]
What?
257
00:11:26,302 --> 00:11:28,569
[quietly]
I don't want her watching us.
258
00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:31,138
[chuckles]
Oh. Okay.
259
00:11:33,643 --> 00:11:35,409
[Charlotte]
So...
260
00:11:37,180 --> 00:11:38,879
why did someone
murder your partner?
261
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:40,963
That's what I'm trying
to find out.
262
00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:45,085
Really? I would think who is
much more important than why.
263
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:47,388
I--
Because if you found out who killed him,
264
00:11:47,423 --> 00:11:49,290
you could make them
tell you why.
265
00:11:49,325 --> 00:11:51,659
Wow, you're
a regular Monsieur--
266
00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:53,427
And last night,
267
00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:56,363
whoever, or whoevers,
broke into your office
268
00:11:56,399 --> 00:11:58,326
presumably knew
you'd be elsewhere.
269
00:11:58,446 --> 00:12:02,203
I-- Huh?
So, who knew you wouldn't be there?
270
00:12:02,238 --> 00:12:04,872
Well, I mean, it was late at night.
There was no reason
271
00:12:04,907 --> 00:12:08,742
for anybody to think I would
be at the office, so...
272
00:12:08,778 --> 00:12:10,110
[Poovey]
Ya lost me.
273
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,779
[Figgis]
"Cui bono," you dummy.
274
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:15,449
It's Latin. It means "to whose profit."
So?
275
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:19,787
So, who knew
you wouldn't be there?
276
00:12:19,789 --> 00:12:23,123
So, you big ox,
when Trexler loses...
277
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:25,828
who gains?
278
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,747
[Charlotte] Oh, come now.
Don't be such a pout.
279
00:12:39,953 --> 00:12:41,569
I think getting Berenice
through the lobby
280
00:12:41,571 --> 00:12:44,739
went about as well
as could reasonably be expected.
281
00:12:44,791 --> 00:12:46,791
[clattering]
[barking]
282
00:12:46,826 --> 00:12:49,160
[groaning]
283
00:12:52,816 --> 00:12:55,750
[clears throat]
Sorry.
284
00:12:55,752 --> 00:12:58,419
Besides, if--
If you don't shut your fat mouth,
285
00:12:58,421 --> 00:13:01,589
it's gonna be you going over that
goddamn cliff instead of Berenice!
286
00:13:01,591 --> 00:13:03,724
Please!
Then you'd never get paid.
287
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,893
[brakes screech]
288
00:13:05,929 --> 00:13:07,929
It would be worth it.
289
00:13:07,964 --> 00:13:09,864
What's this?
Why have we stopped?
290
00:13:09,899 --> 00:13:12,934
To get some answers. I won't be long.
Stay here.
291
00:13:12,986 --> 00:13:14,969
I shall do nothing of the sort.
292
00:13:15,004 --> 00:13:17,305
[sighs]
Of course you shalln't.
293
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:20,708
Why, the very idea, sitting in a car
in the street like some sort of--
294
00:13:20,743 --> 00:13:23,144
Dirty cop.
Well, or any tradesman, really.
295
00:13:23,179 --> 00:13:24,912
Oh!
I need you to stop talking.
296
00:13:24,948 --> 00:13:27,148
And when we get in there,
I need you to continue
297
00:13:27,183 --> 00:13:29,317
to stop talking to anybody.
298
00:13:29,352 --> 00:13:31,252
You're hurting me!
[whimpers]
299
00:13:31,287 --> 00:13:34,689
And it's the highlight
of my day.
300
00:13:34,724 --> 00:13:37,191
[exclaims in German]
301
00:13:37,227 --> 00:13:38,793
[speaking German]
302
00:13:38,828 --> 00:13:40,294
[Archer] Do what?
What?
303
00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:42,597
What?
What do you want?
304
00:13:42,632 --> 00:13:45,700
Couple minutes with Mother.
[scoffs] Knock yourself out.
305
00:13:45,735 --> 00:13:49,937
Well, I'm sorry I can't be of more
help to you, Lieutenant, but--
306
00:13:49,973 --> 00:13:53,174
"Can't" and "won't" are two
very different things, Mother.
307
00:13:53,209 --> 00:13:56,210
And yet the end result
is still the same.
308
00:13:56,246 --> 00:13:57,545
Why, Mr. Archer.
309
00:13:57,580 --> 00:13:58,813
Mother.
Archer.
310
00:13:58,848 --> 00:14:00,014
Figgis.
Archer.
311
00:14:00,049 --> 00:14:01,582
Poovey.
You look like shit.
312
00:14:01,618 --> 00:14:03,351
[sighs]
Couldn't sleep.
313
00:14:03,386 --> 00:14:06,454
Noisy house guests.
What do you mean, "house guests"?
314
00:14:06,489 --> 00:14:08,956
[chuckles] Wouldn't they be cave guests?
[rimshot]
315
00:14:08,992 --> 00:14:10,958
[man] Stop it!
What are you doing here, anyway?
316
00:14:10,994 --> 00:14:12,960
I heard they did
a nice wedge salad.
317
00:14:12,996 --> 00:14:14,595
Ooh.
We don't.
318
00:14:14,631 --> 00:14:16,797
Aww.
And now that we've settled that,
319
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,633
if you two
will please excuse us?
320
00:14:18,668 --> 00:14:21,202
Okay, Mother,
but remember what I told you.
321
00:14:21,237 --> 00:14:23,237
Remember what I told you.
322
00:14:23,273 --> 00:14:24,872
[snickers, sniffs]
323
00:14:24,908 --> 00:14:27,975
It is just Dandertown Frolics.
324
00:14:29,178 --> 00:14:30,545
Move, dick!
325
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:33,247
Slang for "detective,"
so not an insult!
326
00:14:33,283 --> 00:14:36,851
What is insulting is that you've
kept me waiting for ten hours.
327
00:14:36,886 --> 00:14:39,587
I-- Sorry.
I've had a busy day.
328
00:14:39,622 --> 00:14:42,356
I'll bet. I've had quite
a busy day myself
329
00:14:42,392 --> 00:14:47,395
trying to shut down rumors I had anything to
do with that bloodbath down in Long Beach.
330
00:14:47,430 --> 00:14:48,996
I wouldn't say "bloodbath."
331
00:14:49,032 --> 00:14:51,432
Although, now that
I come to think of it,
332
00:14:51,467 --> 00:14:55,836
the easiest thing would be to
just tell Len Trexler it was you.
333
00:14:55,872 --> 00:14:57,438
That would be pretty easy.
334
00:14:57,473 --> 00:15:00,274
But I have another job for you.
335
00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:03,311
- Great. - Come back at midnight.
I'll give you the details.
336
00:15:03,346 --> 00:15:06,514
And don't be late again.
Um, okay.
337
00:15:06,549 --> 00:15:08,849
Anything else?
Well, uh,
338
00:15:08,885 --> 00:15:11,185
it's just that
while I was down in Long Beach,
339
00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:14,021
somebody broke into my office
and tossed the place.
340
00:15:14,057 --> 00:15:16,357
And?
And, well, I mean, it's just,
341
00:15:16,392 --> 00:15:18,492
not many people
knew I wouldn't be there.
342
00:15:18,528 --> 00:15:21,095
In your office, late at night.
343
00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:22,730
Yes.
And?
344
00:15:22,765 --> 00:15:26,233
And I will see you at midnight.
345
00:15:28,104 --> 00:15:31,272
No, it's just,
what's a society dame like you
346
00:15:31,307 --> 00:15:33,074
doing in a place like this?
347
00:15:33,109 --> 00:15:35,076
Leaving it.
Let's go.
348
00:15:35,111 --> 00:15:37,878
Wha-- Rude!
Berenice is waiting.
349
00:15:37,914 --> 00:15:39,447
Oh, right.
350
00:15:39,482 --> 00:15:40,482
[gasps]
Miss Kane!
351
00:15:42,352 --> 00:15:43,584
Archer.
352
00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:46,487
Wow. Fancy meeting
you here, huh?
353
00:15:46,522 --> 00:15:50,324
At my job?
Yeah. I mean, what are the odds?
354
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,960
One to one?
Yeah. I don't know. Maybe.
355
00:15:52,996 --> 00:15:55,763
So, um...
356
00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:59,800
Yeah. So, uh, okay.
357
00:15:59,836 --> 00:16:01,902
See-- See ya around, or--
358
00:16:01,938 --> 00:16:04,438
[gasps] Oh, my God! You
have a crush on her!
359
00:16:04,474 --> 00:16:06,107
What? No I don't. I--
360
00:16:06,142 --> 00:16:08,743
Yes, you do!
That was the cutest thing!
361
00:16:08,778 --> 00:16:12,780
And I think she has
a crush on you.
362
00:16:12,815 --> 00:16:15,616
No, she-- Wait. Really?
Absolutely!
363
00:16:15,652 --> 00:16:17,618
Why-- Why-- Why do you think that?
Did she--
364
00:16:17,654 --> 00:16:19,754
Just admit that you like her.
365
00:16:19,789 --> 00:16:21,656
Well, yeah. I mean, of course I--
Hey! Yeah.
366
00:16:21,691 --> 00:16:25,226
Me and him?
We just fucked!
367
00:16:28,498 --> 00:16:31,098
What is wrong with you?
368
00:16:31,134 --> 00:16:33,968
Well, for one thing, I may be
literally starving to death.
369
00:16:34,003 --> 00:16:36,470
[gasps] Clams!
What?
370
00:16:36,506 --> 00:16:39,240
Oh, we should stop
for fried clams
371
00:16:39,275 --> 00:16:41,676
at one of those
darling little shacks.
372
00:16:41,694 --> 00:16:43,678
[Archer] We're not
stopping for fried clams.
373
00:16:43,713 --> 00:16:45,563
There is a dead woman
in the trunk!
374
00:16:45,615 --> 00:16:47,148
Well, obviously, I meant after.
375
00:16:47,150 --> 00:16:49,316
Also, I think
we're being followed.
376
00:16:49,352 --> 00:16:51,285
What?
We're not being followed.
377
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,037
There aren't any headlights
back there.
378
00:16:53,072 --> 00:16:55,289
I think their headlights are off.
No, they're not,
379
00:16:55,324 --> 00:16:59,293
because it's pitch dark, and
we're not being followed!
380
00:16:59,328 --> 00:17:01,746
I think we're being followed.
We're not being followed!
381
00:17:01,798 --> 00:17:04,165
And also, how have you
not been murdered?
382
00:17:05,702 --> 00:17:08,674
I think we're being f--
[brakes screech]
383
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:10,971
We are not being followed!
384
00:17:11,007 --> 00:17:12,973
I am a trained
private investigator!
385
00:17:13,009 --> 00:17:15,576
If we were being followed,
I would know it!
386
00:17:15,611 --> 00:17:18,746
Fine. Then drive.
Actually, we're here.
387
00:17:20,349 --> 00:17:22,950
Sorry, Berenice.
Won't be long.
388
00:17:22,985 --> 00:17:27,655
Okay. So, I'm gonna soak the upholstery
with gas, set a 20-second cordite fuse,
389
00:17:27,690 --> 00:17:31,158
then we'll put Berenice in the driver's
seat, jam a rock on the accelerator,
390
00:17:31,194 --> 00:17:33,194
light the fuse, and
then slam it-- [grunts]
391
00:17:33,246 --> 00:17:36,075
[Charlotte screams]
[brakes screech]
392
00:17:36,195 --> 00:17:37,398
Archer!
393
00:17:38,751 --> 00:17:41,235
[groaning]
[shushing]
394
00:17:43,039 --> 00:17:45,256
[groaning continues]
Shh!
395
00:17:45,291 --> 00:17:47,708
[speaking French]
396
00:17:49,378 --> 00:17:51,011
Wha--
[mutters]
397
00:17:51,047 --> 00:17:53,214
[woman screaming]
[man yelling]
398
00:17:53,249 --> 00:17:55,049
Sorry! Our headlights don't work!
[bullet zings]
399
00:17:55,051 --> 00:17:56,283
[tires screeching]
400
00:17:56,319 --> 00:17:57,885
[blows]
401
00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:59,453
[cackles]
402
00:17:59,489 --> 00:18:01,122
[laughing maniacally]
403
00:18:02,859 --> 00:18:06,193
So, you're just
straight-up crazy.
404
00:18:06,229 --> 00:18:09,563
[blows raspberry]
Ow. [groans]
405
00:18:09,599 --> 00:18:12,366
Well?
Are we doing this, or what?
406
00:18:12,401 --> 00:18:16,537
Because if I don't get some clams soon,
I won't be responsible for my actions.
407
00:18:18,908 --> 00:18:21,709
What? I told you
we were being followed.
408
00:18:21,744 --> 00:18:24,745
[grunts] That was just a car
with broken headlights.
409
00:18:24,781 --> 00:18:27,214
It was a coincidence.
[grunts]
410
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:31,519
Because we weren't
being followed!
411
00:18:31,554 --> 00:18:33,587
[sighs]
412
00:18:33,623 --> 00:18:34,672
Goddamn it.
413
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:37,057
Hello!
414
00:18:40,496 --> 00:18:46,496
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415
00:18:46,546 --> 00:18:51,096
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