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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,045
LANA: So that bag is clothes, that bag
is diapers, the cooler is breast milk.
2
00:00:06,213 --> 00:00:08,589
Which needs to go in the...
Where do you buy breast milk?
3
00:00:08,757 --> 00:00:12,718
Ahh. You don't, Archer, you...
Heh. Oh, my God, will you relax?
4
00:00:12,886 --> 00:00:14,804
Here, have a cold... Wow.
5
00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:17,181
So no beer?
Why would I bring beer?
6
00:00:17,349 --> 00:00:19,475
Because you don't want me
drinking liquor?
7
00:00:19,643 --> 00:00:21,310
I don't want you drinking anything.
8
00:00:21,478 --> 00:00:22,645
What, that's all for her?
9
00:00:22,813 --> 00:00:26,315
I'll find a sitter. Lana, relax,
I won't drink while you're gone.
10
00:00:26,483 --> 00:00:28,400
I take this very seriously.
11
00:00:28,568 --> 00:00:30,111
Well, or at least Woodhouse does.
12
00:00:30,278 --> 00:00:33,114
Yeah, and if he was here...
Wait, what? Where is he?
13
00:00:33,281 --> 00:00:34,532
[WHISPERS]
Rehab.
14
00:00:34,699 --> 00:00:35,699
Seriously?
15
00:00:35,867 --> 00:00:38,577
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I know. At his
age, it's like why even bother?
16
00:00:38,745 --> 00:00:41,831
Well... I'm kidding. It's
his annual three days off.
17
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:44,875
It's normally two
but I let him roll over one from last year.
18
00:00:45,043 --> 00:00:47,461
Your largesse knows no bounds.
19
00:00:47,629 --> 00:00:51,006
Well, it's not paid.
Have you at least baby-proofed this place?
20
00:00:51,174 --> 00:00:53,342
I don't think a baby can hurt anything.
21
00:00:53,510 --> 00:00:57,930
No, not... I mean, like firearms, for
instance. Are they stored securely?
22
00:00:59,141 --> 00:01:00,558
Yes.
I'll find a sitter.
23
00:01:00,725 --> 00:01:03,519
Lana, go. A.J.'s in good hands.
24
00:01:03,687 --> 00:01:07,481
I know what I'm doing. I've read
10 of The Baby-Sitters Club books.
25
00:01:07,649 --> 00:01:09,733
Really?
Yeah. I'm totally a Kristy...
26
00:01:09,901 --> 00:01:11,944
...with maybe like a dash of Claudia.
27
00:01:12,112 --> 00:01:14,864
I won't have my phone.
When you realize you can't handle...
28
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:17,408
I won't.
But when you do, please shut up...
29
00:01:17,576 --> 00:01:21,537
...this is the main number at the Zen Center,
and a staff member will come find me.
30
00:01:21,705 --> 00:01:24,123
In your stupid, what is it, a wigwam?
31
00:01:24,291 --> 00:01:26,500
It's a yurt.
Wow. Even stupider.
32
00:01:26,668 --> 00:01:30,087
Archer, I'm serious.
Me too. Paying to spend 24 hours...
33
00:01:30,255 --> 00:01:33,465
...sweating in a yurt is literally
the dumbest thing you've ever done.
34
00:01:33,633 --> 00:01:36,886
Oh, I can think of a few more.
You're right.
35
00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:39,638
This will help you shed
some of your negative energy.
36
00:01:39,806 --> 00:01:42,224
My...
Have fun. Say hi to your spirit animal.
37
00:01:42,392 --> 00:01:43,392
[LANA GROANS]
38
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,561
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night.
39
00:01:45,729 --> 00:01:47,688
But I bet you'll call before then.
40
00:01:47,856 --> 00:01:48,856
[CHUCKLES]
41
00:01:49,024 --> 00:01:50,774
I bet I won't.
42
00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:54,653
Holy shit, I gotta wash that down.
43
00:01:54,821 --> 00:01:58,699
See that, A.J.? That was a teachable moment,
about a little thing called confidence.
44
00:01:58,867 --> 00:02:03,162
And contrary to what you may have heard,
you can never have too much of it.
45
00:02:03,330 --> 00:02:05,497
Or bourbon. Where's the bourbon?
46
00:02:05,665 --> 00:02:08,167
I gotta have some Irish.
Or at least some Scotch...
47
00:02:08,335 --> 00:02:09,585
...or blended, or...
48
00:02:09,753 --> 00:02:12,421
Jesus Christ, Woodhouse, stock the bar.
49
00:02:12,589 --> 00:02:15,132
Okay, here we go. So we have...
50
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:17,218
Tequila and coffee liqueur.
51
00:02:17,385 --> 00:02:21,597
All right, so we can make...
I guess this will be a Black Mexican?
52
00:02:21,765 --> 00:02:22,765
[A.J. COOING]
53
00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:25,517
What? No, that's not racist.
That's what it is.
54
00:02:25,685 --> 00:02:28,395
If you added milk,
it would be a White Mexican...
55
00:02:28,563 --> 00:02:31,607
But all we have is breast milk, ew,
which would make it...
56
00:02:31,775 --> 00:02:34,318
...a Rusty Krieger.
57
00:02:34,486 --> 00:02:35,819
[GROANING]
58
00:02:35,987 --> 00:02:38,155
God. Wow, that is mierda.
59
00:02:38,323 --> 00:02:40,157
And also between us, okay?
60
00:02:40,325 --> 00:02:42,576
Your mom likes to worry,
but she doesn't need to.
61
00:02:42,744 --> 00:02:45,371
Because when you're with me, kid,
you're as safe as a bug in a...
62
00:02:45,538 --> 00:02:46,747
[DOOR CRASHES OPEN]
63
00:02:46,915 --> 00:02:50,417
Archer!
Help! Please help, he's been shot.
64
00:02:50,585 --> 00:02:52,169
Oh, good.
65
00:02:52,337 --> 00:02:53,504
[A.J. CRYING]
66
00:02:53,755 --> 00:02:56,257
For a second I thought you were Lana.
67
00:02:56,675 --> 00:02:58,050
[BELCHES]
68
00:03:36,089 --> 00:03:36,964
[FAROOQ YELLING]
69
00:03:37,132 --> 00:03:40,926
SLATER: Where's the goddamn first aid kit?
ARCHER: Behind the bar. And quit yelling.
70
00:03:41,094 --> 00:03:42,303
FAROOQ:
Ow!
71
00:03:42,470 --> 00:03:45,055
Why did you hit me?
Because get your shit together.
72
00:03:45,223 --> 00:03:48,100
Get your shit together.
You're the one who's bleeding to death.
73
00:03:48,268 --> 00:03:50,185
Yeah, from my ears. So shut up!
74
00:03:50,353 --> 00:03:51,979
ARCHER:
Everybody shut up.
75
00:03:52,147 --> 00:03:54,481
Because spoiler alert, this is a baby.
76
00:03:54,649 --> 00:03:56,483
And why do you have a baby?
77
00:03:56,651 --> 00:03:59,820
Well, Slater, when a mommy and a daddy
love each other very much...
78
00:03:59,988 --> 00:04:01,113
In your apartment.
79
00:04:01,281 --> 00:04:04,199
Yeah, or a motel or a Porta-john or...
80
00:04:04,367 --> 00:04:05,909
Are you trying to piss me off?
81
00:04:06,077 --> 00:04:08,579
Ha. Not really.
Well, you are, so...
82
00:04:08,747 --> 00:04:10,914
Why do you keep your first aid kit
in the bar?
83
00:04:11,082 --> 00:04:14,126
Because that's where over 80 percent
of home accidents happen?
84
00:04:14,294 --> 00:04:16,837
Wow. Really?
They happen in the bathroom.
85
00:04:17,005 --> 00:04:20,674
Not in my home. Speaking of which,
why are you in it, and who is he?
86
00:04:20,842 --> 00:04:23,677
Sterling Archer, this is Farooq Ashkani.
87
00:04:23,845 --> 00:04:25,095
Yeah, hi.
88
00:04:25,263 --> 00:04:26,513
Black Mexican?
Wh...?
89
00:04:26,681 --> 00:04:29,433
Uh, hey, dick, I happen to be Pakistani.
90
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:32,061
[SPEAKING IN URDU]
91
00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:36,523
I was offering you a drink, but all I
have is tequila and coffee liqueur.
92
00:04:36,691 --> 00:04:38,525
Sorry, I thought you were being racist.
93
00:04:38,693 --> 00:04:42,863
No. If anything you were, if you think
"black" or "Mexican" is an insult.
94
00:04:43,031 --> 00:04:48,285
My child is actually multiracial, so...
Hang on, go back. You speak Urdu?
95
00:04:48,453 --> 00:04:50,913
Huh? Oh, no, no. Just that one phrase.
96
00:04:51,081 --> 00:04:56,001
The only phrase you know in Urdu
is "No shit, you goat-raping pig-devil"?
97
00:04:56,169 --> 00:04:58,712
What? I thought it meant "I'm sorry."
98
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,465
Huh. Probably why that night
in a Karachi whorehouse...
99
00:05:01,633 --> 00:05:03,967
...suddenly went from pretty bad
to much worse.
100
00:05:04,135 --> 00:05:05,344
I'm gonna stop you there.
101
00:05:05,512 --> 00:05:09,431
Somebody should. I mean, this is a baby.
Because time's a bit of a factor.
102
00:05:09,599 --> 00:05:13,143
Until yesterday, Farooq was a cyber-spy
for Pakistani intelligence.
103
00:05:13,311 --> 00:05:15,270
But now he wants to come over
to our side.
104
00:05:15,438 --> 00:05:17,648
Are we not on the same side?
105
00:05:17,816 --> 00:05:18,857
FAROOQ & SLATER:
Eh.
106
00:05:19,025 --> 00:05:21,568
Anyway, I was walking him
into a CIA safe house...
107
00:05:21,736 --> 00:05:25,406
...but his former colleagues were waiting.
I had to shoot our way out of there.
108
00:05:25,573 --> 00:05:27,157
But how did they know where the...?
Ahh!
109
00:05:27,325 --> 00:05:30,744
Oh, my God, could the CIA have a leak?
110
00:05:30,912 --> 00:05:32,913
That's what I said.
111
00:05:33,498 --> 00:05:37,292
Anyway, until I find the leak and plug it,
I need you to babysit him.
112
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:41,171
And I object to the term "babysit"
because clearly I am not a baby.
113
00:05:41,339 --> 00:05:45,676
And I'm already babysitting
what clearly is an actual baby, so...
114
00:05:45,844 --> 00:05:47,928
She sure is. Can I hold her?
115
00:05:48,096 --> 00:05:50,764
Um. Yeah, okay, you know...
116
00:05:50,932 --> 00:05:52,433
...but be careful.
FAROOQ: I got her.
117
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,809
There we go.
118
00:05:53,977 --> 00:05:55,269
Archer, come on.
No.
119
00:05:55,437 --> 00:05:57,020
Twenty-four hours.
No.
120
00:05:57,188 --> 00:05:58,730
And a hundred grand.
Yes.
121
00:05:58,898 --> 00:06:03,193
Okay. I'll call you after I deal with the leak,
then you'll bring him to the new safe house.
122
00:06:03,361 --> 00:06:04,653
And payment will be...?
123
00:06:04,821 --> 00:06:06,989
By wire transfer. Is that a problem?
124
00:06:07,157 --> 00:06:11,076
No, I just didn't know if I should bring
my sack with the big dollar sign on it.
125
00:06:11,244 --> 00:06:14,246
Just bring him. And I need
to borrow a shirt. Farooq?
126
00:06:14,914 --> 00:06:16,874
Um...
127
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:19,585
Why do you...? Never mind.
128
00:06:19,752 --> 00:06:21,462
There's a logic to all of it.
129
00:06:22,464 --> 00:06:24,047
You're absolutely insane.
130
00:06:24,215 --> 00:06:26,467
Ha-ha-ha.
SLATER: Goddamn crazy son of a...
131
00:06:26,634 --> 00:06:27,676
Is he gone?
132
00:06:27,844 --> 00:06:30,262
Yeah, he's...
Because kind of a dick, right?
133
00:06:30,430 --> 00:06:33,265
Right?
And what's the deal with that safe house?
134
00:06:33,433 --> 00:06:38,061
Am I right? Come on,
they should call it a misnomer house.
135
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,772
But this place is safe, though?
Yeah, I mean...
136
00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:43,859
I mean, it's the penthouse
and I assume that's the only door...
137
00:06:44,027 --> 00:06:47,863
Well, except for the terrace, but...
Yeah, so should we maybe lock that?
138
00:06:48,031 --> 00:06:49,239
ARCHER:
Hey, shh!
139
00:06:49,407 --> 00:06:52,075
I'm just kind of freaking out.
I just saw a guy get shot.
140
00:06:52,243 --> 00:06:55,412
If you get her started again,
you're gonna see you get shot, so...
141
00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:59,416
Yeah. Okay, so you have guns here, right?
Yes, I literally have tons of them.
142
00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:02,836
Yeah, but...
Hang on. Not literally, but a lot.
143
00:07:03,004 --> 00:07:05,339
Yeah, okay, but on you. I mean, like...
144
00:07:06,090 --> 00:07:07,758
...are you strapped?
145
00:07:07,926 --> 00:07:09,510
Am I strapped?
146
00:07:09,677 --> 00:07:11,345
No, homie, I'm not.
147
00:07:11,513 --> 00:07:14,473
Okay. So you don't have a gun on you,
is what I'm saying.
148
00:07:14,641 --> 00:07:17,434
And no, is what I'm saying.
149
00:07:17,602 --> 00:07:18,644
Okay, good.
150
00:07:18,811 --> 00:07:21,146
Wh...?
Because that's gonna make this next part...
151
00:07:21,314 --> 00:07:22,564
...a lot easier.
152
00:07:22,732 --> 00:07:24,608
Well, for me.
153
00:07:28,947 --> 00:07:30,614
[LAUGHING]
154
00:07:30,782 --> 00:07:33,784
Oh, my God. Okay, good stuff.
155
00:07:33,952 --> 00:07:36,870
You had me going there for a second.
I'm sorry?
156
00:07:37,038 --> 00:07:38,956
I can't believe Lana set this up.
157
00:07:39,123 --> 00:07:41,166
Just so I'd call and ask for help.
158
00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:44,628
And you got Slater in on it?
With the fake blood?
159
00:07:44,796 --> 00:07:46,380
Oh, man, she is pathetic.
160
00:07:46,548 --> 00:07:47,714
[ARCHER YELLS
AND A.J. CRIES]
161
00:07:47,882 --> 00:07:50,384
What the shit? You shot me.
162
00:07:50,552 --> 00:07:53,804
Well, I wanted your full attention.
Well, you nailed it, asshole.
163
00:07:53,972 --> 00:07:56,557
Jesus Christ,
did Lana pay you extra to shoot me?
164
00:07:56,724 --> 00:07:59,101
Okay, I don't know this Lana, but...
I'm sorry?
165
00:07:59,269 --> 00:08:02,437
Yeah, me too.
She sounds like a real practical joker.
166
00:08:02,605 --> 00:08:04,398
But I assure you, Mr. Archer...
167
00:08:04,566 --> 00:08:06,400
...this is all very real.
168
00:08:06,568 --> 00:08:10,737
Hey. Hey. Now, listen to me, all right.
Listen. I don't know what's going on...
169
00:08:10,905 --> 00:08:13,991
...but you are gonna hand me the baby.
No, Mr. Archer, I am not.
170
00:08:14,158 --> 00:08:18,453
Not until you take me to your headquarters,
so I can access the mainframe computer.
171
00:08:18,621 --> 00:08:22,165
Yeah, I heard you, but I'm not going
anywhere until you put it up there.
172
00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:23,375
Fine, whatever.
173
00:08:31,593 --> 00:08:32,634
Wow!
174
00:08:32,802 --> 00:08:35,470
You drive like a gaping dickhole.
175
00:08:39,225 --> 00:08:42,102
So I guess there's no CIA leak.
176
00:08:42,270 --> 00:08:44,688
Nope. My follow team created a diversion...
177
00:08:44,856 --> 00:08:47,608
...so Slater would bring me to you,
so you'd bring me here.
178
00:08:47,775 --> 00:08:50,360
Just don't hurt her.
I hope it won't come to that.
179
00:08:50,528 --> 00:08:53,572
You really, really should.
Just make sure there are no surpri...
180
00:08:53,740 --> 00:08:55,365
PAM:
Goddamn it!
181
00:08:55,533 --> 00:08:57,284
What the...?
It's Friday night.
182
00:08:57,452 --> 00:09:00,537
Why the hell are people still here?
I don't know. I guess it's...
183
00:09:00,705 --> 00:09:03,165
Jeezy Petes! An inside straight?
184
00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:04,875
Come on.
185
00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:07,878
Got three on the hip,
I need four for the weekend.
186
00:09:08,046 --> 00:09:09,463
I'm going to Hotlanta.
187
00:09:09,631 --> 00:09:11,381
Have fun, I hope you get hate-crimed.
188
00:09:11,549 --> 00:09:13,008
Hey, whoa.
KRIEGER: Goddamn, woman.
189
00:09:13,176 --> 00:09:15,510
Seriously.
I'll hate-crime your ass right here.
190
00:09:15,678 --> 00:09:16,720
RAY:
You know what?
191
00:09:16,888 --> 00:09:20,307
Guys, come on. Can't we have one
poker night without a hate crime?
192
00:09:20,475 --> 00:09:23,977
Okay, A, the thing last month
wasn't a hate crime.
193
00:09:24,145 --> 00:09:27,898
Because I will straight-flush your brains
out the back of your skull!
194
00:09:28,066 --> 00:09:29,399
It was just a regular crime.
195
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:33,070
And obviously now I put my gun in the
time-lock safe until the game's over.
196
00:09:33,237 --> 00:09:36,406
So basically, the only thing keeping you
from murdering each other...
197
00:09:36,574 --> 00:09:39,284
...is a lack of access to firearms.
Works for Canada.
198
00:09:39,452 --> 00:09:40,744
Nothing works for Canada.
199
00:09:40,912 --> 00:09:42,079
ARCHER:
Hey, guys.
200
00:09:42,246 --> 00:09:44,081
PAM: Hey.
CYRIL: Hooray, it's Archer.
201
00:09:44,248 --> 00:09:46,416
Is...? Are you playing strip poker?
202
00:09:46,584 --> 00:09:49,002
CHERYL & CYRIL: No.
It just gets hot as balls in here.
203
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:51,004
KRIEGER: Literally.
Okay, well...
204
00:09:51,172 --> 00:09:52,673
KRIEGER:
Hang on. Yeah, literally.
205
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,300
Right. I just came by because, um...
Aha!
206
00:09:55,468 --> 00:09:57,928
You need help with the baby
and you can't call Lana...
207
00:09:58,096 --> 00:10:00,013
...so you came to ask one of us for help.
208
00:10:00,181 --> 00:10:02,849
For your information, Cyril,
I don't need help with A.J...
209
00:10:03,017 --> 00:10:04,851
...because I, um...
210
00:10:05,019 --> 00:10:06,353
Hired a manny.
211
00:10:06,521 --> 00:10:08,438
Hey, I'm Manny.
212
00:10:08,606 --> 00:10:10,065
RAY: Manny the nanny.
CYRIL: Hello.
213
00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:12,984
Black Mexican?
No, thank you, I probably shouldn't.
214
00:10:13,152 --> 00:10:14,277
Shouldn't what?
215
00:10:14,445 --> 00:10:15,987
Uh, swim across the Rio Grande?
216
00:10:16,155 --> 00:10:18,115
KRIEGER: From Pakistan?
Where's Woodhouse?
217
00:10:18,282 --> 00:10:19,950
My guess, Avenue D.
218
00:10:20,118 --> 00:10:24,121
Anyhoo, we just gotta grab, uh,
some baby stuff.
219
00:10:24,288 --> 00:10:26,373
So we're gonna go do that.
220
00:10:26,541 --> 00:10:30,669
Manny?
Good luck with your hate-cards.
221
00:10:30,837 --> 00:10:32,754
Go back to Canada, Guy Lafleur.
222
00:10:32,922 --> 00:10:35,590
Okay, ante up, you goat-raping pig devils.
223
00:10:35,758 --> 00:10:37,050
Nothing wild but the dealer.
224
00:10:37,218 --> 00:10:40,804
KRIEGER: Hang on a sec. Did Archer
seem a little, like, scared to you guys?
225
00:10:40,972 --> 00:10:42,222
Who, Archer?
Who cares?
226
00:10:42,390 --> 00:10:45,392
Now that you mention it,
he did actually seem a little nervous.
227
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:46,977
PAM: Hmm. Maybe.
RAY: Maybe.
228
00:10:47,145 --> 00:10:48,520
I bet he's just on the CDL.
229
00:10:48,688 --> 00:10:49,730
The what?
230
00:10:49,897 --> 00:10:51,732
Canadian down-low.
231
00:10:51,899 --> 00:10:55,318
Please, like you all wouldn't bang
Alan Thicke if you had the chance.
232
00:10:55,486 --> 00:10:57,654
KRIEGER:
I think we should go check it out.
233
00:10:57,822 --> 00:10:59,573
Well, if we're not gonna play poker.
234
00:10:59,741 --> 00:11:01,783
I thought this was Ouija.
235
00:11:02,201 --> 00:11:04,953
So those guys, kind of dicks, right?
236
00:11:05,121 --> 00:11:06,413
Right?
Totally.
237
00:11:06,581 --> 00:11:08,874
Okay, now enter
the command sequence string.
238
00:11:09,041 --> 00:11:12,294
Okay, good.
Now once you've entered that...
239
00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:14,129
Wow, still working on it.
240
00:11:14,297 --> 00:11:17,591
You also type like a gaping dickhole.
Sorry, I don't wanna mess up.
241
00:11:17,759 --> 00:11:19,843
Man, you are nothing like your file.
242
00:11:20,011 --> 00:11:24,473
All these stories about what a badass you are?
But I gotta tell you, Farooq's not seeing it.
243
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,976
Well, in those stories, I'm probably
not changing poopy diapers, so...
244
00:11:28,144 --> 00:11:31,188
Do you seriously not even care
what I'm doing with your mainframe?
245
00:11:31,355 --> 00:11:33,774
I honestly don't.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
246
00:11:33,941 --> 00:11:38,195
I'm using it to backdoor my state-of-the-art
spyware into the CIA network...
247
00:11:38,362 --> 00:11:42,073
...so Pakistani intelligence
will know everything they do in real time.
248
00:11:42,241 --> 00:11:44,284
And why are you telling me this?
249
00:11:44,452 --> 00:11:45,952
I'm... Wait, what?
250
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:49,122
Now I'm just gonna tell the CIA,
and they'll find the spyware.
251
00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:53,418
That was only one of many, many
possible things I could be doing.
252
00:11:53,586 --> 00:11:54,628
Okay.
253
00:11:54,796 --> 00:11:58,423
No, no. And the very fact that I told you
that's what I'm doing...
254
00:11:58,591 --> 00:12:02,135
...I mean, that was clearly
misdirection. Right?
255
00:12:02,303 --> 00:12:04,721
Okay. Plus, I doubt you'll
be talking very much...
256
00:12:04,889 --> 00:12:08,225
...after I shoot you in the face.
Take it easy, I... Ahh! Shit.
257
00:12:08,392 --> 00:12:10,977
I don't have a will.
I'm a notary.
258
00:12:11,145 --> 00:12:13,396
Wh-?
What the shit, Manny?
259
00:12:13,815 --> 00:12:14,981
Uh...
Grr!
260
00:12:15,149 --> 00:12:16,149
[A.J. CRYING]
261
00:12:16,317 --> 00:12:17,734
Pam. Baby.
262
00:12:17,902 --> 00:12:18,902
[PAM YELLING]
263
00:12:19,070 --> 00:12:21,238
What the heck's going on in...?
264
00:12:21,656 --> 00:12:23,990
[ROARING]
265
00:12:27,078 --> 00:12:28,995
Well, you don't see that every day.
266
00:12:29,163 --> 00:12:30,872
I didn't even see it today.
267
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:34,042
Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
268
00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:35,627
ARCHER:
So here's the thing, Farooq.
269
00:12:35,795 --> 00:12:40,382
I don't know about any stories, but whatever
badass shit that you heard I did...
270
00:12:40,550 --> 00:12:42,634
...you really need some context.
271
00:12:42,802 --> 00:12:45,804
Because pretty much my whole life,
right up until this minute...
272
00:12:45,972 --> 00:12:48,056
...my default setting has been "half-ass."
273
00:12:48,224 --> 00:12:49,224
[CRACKING]
274
00:12:49,392 --> 00:12:52,978
But that was before I had a child.
A child you threatened to harm.
275
00:12:53,145 --> 00:12:56,982
A child, I just realized,
who's probably on her way up to the roof...
276
00:12:57,149 --> 00:12:59,651
...so Aunt Pam can swat at biplanes.
277
00:13:01,404 --> 00:13:05,866
Wait, what the hell am I doing?
The roof's the first place they'll look.
278
00:13:06,033 --> 00:13:10,579
So imagine, as I literally beat you
to death... Hang on. Yeah, literally.
279
00:13:10,746 --> 00:13:13,248
That a giant hand has turned my dial...
280
00:13:13,416 --> 00:13:15,959
...from half-ass to quadruple-ass.
281
00:13:16,127 --> 00:13:17,961
Wow. That is a lot of ass.
282
00:13:18,129 --> 00:13:20,797
Yeah, basically eight times the ass.
283
00:13:20,965 --> 00:13:24,634
So can I just say one thing before we
get into all the beating to death?
284
00:13:24,802 --> 00:13:27,304
What?
I still have a gun?
285
00:13:29,891 --> 00:13:31,725
Oh, right.
286
00:13:35,062 --> 00:13:37,314
RAY:
Well, what's going on in there?
287
00:13:37,481 --> 00:13:40,817
Okay, so that lesbian au pair has a gun.
288
00:13:40,985 --> 00:13:43,570
I think she's robbing Mr. Archer.
What au pair?
289
00:13:43,738 --> 00:13:45,405
Wait, what?
The black Mexican.
290
00:13:45,573 --> 00:13:47,157
Oh, for... So, what should we do?
291
00:13:47,325 --> 00:13:50,035
Nothing. Until we consult the Ouija.
292
00:13:50,202 --> 00:13:51,912
KRIEGER:
God, I love poker night.
293
00:13:52,079 --> 00:13:55,248
So before you shoot me,
can I just say one thing?
294
00:13:55,416 --> 00:13:56,666
What?
295
00:13:58,127 --> 00:13:59,294
[YELLING]
296
00:13:59,462 --> 00:14:00,503
[CYRIL GRUNTS]
297
00:14:00,671 --> 00:14:02,047
What the shit, Cyril?
298
00:14:02,214 --> 00:14:04,132
[GASPING]
299
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,884
Really?
300
00:14:06,052 --> 00:14:08,803
Take cover. Come on, Cyril.
301
00:14:09,263 --> 00:14:11,056
Oh, for... There's other desks.
No.
302
00:14:11,223 --> 00:14:12,515
KRIEGER:
This one's good.
303
00:14:12,683 --> 00:14:15,894
Damn it.
This is exactly how Brett died.
304
00:14:16,062 --> 00:14:18,521
Man, I wish he was still with us.
305
00:14:18,689 --> 00:14:21,066
He could soak up some of these bullets.
306
00:14:21,525 --> 00:14:25,195
God, finally. That's eight rounds, including
the one in my shoulder, so he's...
307
00:14:25,363 --> 00:14:27,322
FAROOQ: Reloading.
Goddamn it.
308
00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:30,075
Ray, gun.
It's in a time-lock safe.
309
00:14:30,242 --> 00:14:31,743
What? Why?
310
00:14:31,911 --> 00:14:34,454
Because Cheryl.
FAROOQ: I'm calling for backup.
311
00:14:34,622 --> 00:14:36,456
[FAROOQ SPEAKING IN URDU]
312
00:14:36,624 --> 00:14:40,210
What'd he say? Well, my Urdu
isn't as strong as I thought...
313
00:14:40,378 --> 00:14:43,213
[SPEAKING IN URDU]
314
00:14:43,714 --> 00:14:46,466
...but I'm gonna assume
he just called for backup.
315
00:14:46,634 --> 00:14:48,802
So we gotta get to the armory.
It's empty.
316
00:14:48,970 --> 00:14:50,637
It's... What do you mean, it's empty?
317
00:14:50,805 --> 00:14:54,724
When we got shut down. That guy...
Kevin. Kyle? Keith? Kenny?
318
00:14:54,892 --> 00:14:56,309
Was it Kieran?
Rodney?
319
00:14:56,477 --> 00:14:58,895
Rodney. Why was I thinking Kev...?
320
00:14:59,063 --> 00:15:00,230
He stole everything.
321
00:15:00,398 --> 00:15:03,066
He set himself up in Europe
as some kind of arms dealer.
322
00:15:03,234 --> 00:15:06,903
RODNEY: Gentlemen, I'm afraid you mistake
my hospitality for weakness.
323
00:15:07,071 --> 00:15:11,992
The price is the price. If you wish to
negotiate, you may do so with my associates.
324
00:15:13,786 --> 00:15:15,120
[LAUGHS]
325
00:15:15,287 --> 00:15:16,830
Apparently he's doing quite well.
326
00:15:18,207 --> 00:15:19,958
FAROOQ: Reloading.
Remind me...
327
00:15:20,126 --> 00:15:22,836
...if this asshole doesn't kill all of you
to do it for him.
328
00:15:23,004 --> 00:15:26,840
KRIEGER: Uh, ha, ha, no.
And take that ridiculous thing off.
329
00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:28,967
KRIEGER:
Make me.
330
00:15:29,260 --> 00:15:30,927
Stop it. Cut it out. Stop. Ow.
331
00:15:31,095 --> 00:15:32,637
Wait a minute.
KRIEGER: Ow!
332
00:15:32,805 --> 00:15:33,847
Give me that. Okay.
333
00:15:34,015 --> 00:15:37,142
On my signal, I'm gonna draw his fire.
You make a run for it...
334
00:15:37,309 --> 00:15:41,312
...find Pam and A.J., get them to safety
before the rest of these jerk-dicks get here.
335
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,565
What about Cheryl?
Who cares?
336
00:15:43,733 --> 00:15:47,152
No, I'm genuinely asking.
337
00:15:47,319 --> 00:15:50,155
While we're getting A.J. out,
what are you gonna be doing?
338
00:15:50,322 --> 00:15:53,575
Krieger, the HVAC ducts are still
chock full of nerve gas, right?
339
00:15:53,743 --> 00:15:54,826
Wait, what?
Yeah, but...
340
00:15:54,994 --> 00:15:57,829
But shut up. Just get A.J. out,
I'll take care of the rest.
341
00:15:57,997 --> 00:15:59,664
Archer, that's...
Heroic, I know.
342
00:15:59,832 --> 00:16:01,499
I was gonna say overkill, but...
343
00:16:01,667 --> 00:16:04,461
Are you, on their side?
That asshole threatened to hurt A.J.
344
00:16:04,628 --> 00:16:06,379
Come on.
Now that I think about it...
345
00:16:06,547 --> 00:16:08,465
...this whole thing is totally her fault.
346
00:16:08,632 --> 00:16:13,136
What, as far as field operations are
concerned, she's a huge liability.
347
00:16:13,304 --> 00:16:16,389
Now shut up and wait for my signal.
FAROOQ: Reloading.
348
00:16:16,557 --> 00:16:18,641
I should probably stop
saying that out loud.
349
00:16:18,809 --> 00:16:20,310
Should we just go now?
350
00:16:20,478 --> 00:16:25,231
I mean, yeah, you should have,
but it's probably too late now, so...
351
00:16:25,399 --> 00:16:26,441
Now.
352
00:16:26,609 --> 00:16:28,443
[SPEAKING IN URDU]
353
00:16:28,611 --> 00:16:30,153
Quit saying that.
354
00:16:30,321 --> 00:16:32,238
[YELLS]
355
00:16:32,406 --> 00:16:33,656
We should've gone then.
356
00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:35,909
[SPEAKING IN URDU]
357
00:16:39,288 --> 00:16:41,539
Where do you think you're going?
358
00:16:41,707 --> 00:16:42,874
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
359
00:16:43,042 --> 00:16:45,668
Must protect baby.
360
00:16:45,836 --> 00:16:47,003
[SLOW CLAPPING]
361
00:16:47,171 --> 00:16:48,963
What the...?
362
00:16:49,131 --> 00:16:51,633
Not bad. I'm gonna give you a seven.
363
00:16:51,801 --> 00:16:53,718
Wait, what?
Me or him?
364
00:16:53,886 --> 00:16:56,596
No, him. Slater said you were great.
Aw, he's sweet.
365
00:16:56,764 --> 00:17:00,892
You, I took off a point because Pam
was feeding A.J. Vienna sausages.
366
00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:03,561
Idiot. She's not on solid food yet.
367
00:17:03,729 --> 00:17:05,063
They weren't solid.
368
00:17:05,231 --> 00:17:09,484
The fact that you were pre-chewing them
and spitting them into her mouth...
369
00:17:09,652 --> 00:17:10,693
What the hell is going on?
370
00:17:10,861 --> 00:17:12,821
Shh! What is wrong with you?
371
00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:13,988
[A.J. CRYING]
372
00:17:14,156 --> 00:17:15,490
For starters I got shot. Twice.
373
00:17:15,658 --> 00:17:19,244
Where did you get a real gun?
My cousin. The one you gave me looked fake.
374
00:17:19,411 --> 00:17:22,247
I thought a real one would help me
get into the character.
375
00:17:22,414 --> 00:17:24,415
Oh, give it a rest, James Lipton.
376
00:17:24,583 --> 00:17:26,751
He's an actor?
Well, mostly improv, but...
377
00:17:26,919 --> 00:17:29,212
You set this whole thing up?
You had me shot?
378
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:30,755
You had Slater shot?
379
00:17:30,923 --> 00:17:33,758
No, the CIA guys did his makeup.
Looked pretty real, though.
380
00:17:33,926 --> 00:17:35,927
So cool.
Were you assholes in on this?
381
00:17:36,095 --> 00:17:37,929
No.
I don't even know what's going on.
382
00:17:38,097 --> 00:17:40,181
Oh, please, you can't tell them anything.
383
00:17:40,349 --> 00:17:42,851
Why would you do this?
384
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:46,688
I wanted to see if I could trust you
to take care of A.J. by yourself.
385
00:17:46,856 --> 00:17:49,649
Oh! Yeah, let's talk about trust.
386
00:17:49,817 --> 00:17:52,527
Oh, let's talk about drinking
a gallon of Black Mexicans...
387
00:17:52,695 --> 00:17:55,446
...before driving around in a car
with your infant daughter.
388
00:17:55,614 --> 00:17:57,866
Good point.
I was at gunpoint.
389
00:17:58,033 --> 00:18:00,285
Also good.
Well, you still lied when you said...
390
00:18:00,452 --> 00:18:02,954
...you weren't gonna drink.
You knew I was lying.
391
00:18:03,122 --> 00:18:06,291
Well, that doesn't ex...
Wait, that's your excuse?
392
00:18:06,458 --> 00:18:10,295
Yes, Lana. Now, if you'll excuse me.
393
00:18:10,462 --> 00:18:13,631
I am in fairly desperate need
of medical attention.
394
00:18:14,175 --> 00:18:16,134
All your fault.
395
00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:19,470
Goddamn it. Why are you going up?
396
00:18:19,638 --> 00:18:22,891
All right, I'd call this
a qualified success.
397
00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:25,143
Yeah, I really feel like
I nailed it.
398
00:18:25,311 --> 00:18:27,770
So you do improv, huh?
399
00:18:27,938 --> 00:18:31,149
Yup, at Dream The Improvable Dream,
down at 23rd and Lex?
400
00:18:31,317 --> 00:18:34,944
You guys gotta come down. Maybe take
a class, it's good for confidence.
401
00:18:35,112 --> 00:18:38,156
Or just at least come out to a show.
Here's some flyers.
402
00:18:38,324 --> 00:18:39,949
Our upcoming shows are on there.
403
00:18:40,117 --> 00:18:43,328
Plus there's a coupon for a free drink
if you're a lady, so...
404
00:18:43,495 --> 00:18:47,290
Wait, is it not The Improv'able Dream?
405
00:18:48,626 --> 00:18:51,502
Huh. That makes way more sense.
406
00:18:51,552 --> 00:18:56,102
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