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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:04,900 CYRIL: And so, if I could direct your attention to these visual aids, 2 00:00:04,973 --> 00:00:07,601 you will see that from our initial supply 3 00:00:07,681 --> 00:00:09,934 of 1,000 kilos of cocaine, we... 4 00:00:10,012 --> 00:00:12,356 Hang on, dummy, we had a ton of cocaine. 5 00:00:12,428 --> 00:00:15,682 No. Well, we had a tonne, T-O-N-N-E, 6 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,387 also known as a metric ton, but... 7 00:00:17,468 --> 00:00:19,470 Metric. Who uses metric? 8 00:00:19,551 --> 00:00:21,349 Every single country on the planet 9 00:00:21,424 --> 00:00:23,301 except for us, Liberia and Burma. 10 00:00:23,382 --> 00:00:24,508 Wow, really? Yup. 11 00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:27,388 'Cause you never think of those other two as having their shit together. 12 00:00:27,839 --> 00:00:29,182 Anyway, as you can see... 13 00:00:29,255 --> 00:00:30,552 Why are they thermometers? 14 00:00:31,087 --> 00:00:32,930 I thought they were cocks. Wait, they're not? 15 00:00:33,169 --> 00:00:35,797 No. They are not cocks! 16 00:00:35,876 --> 00:00:38,299 Okay! Jesus, you people. 17 00:00:38,376 --> 00:00:40,003 Next time, remind me to get shot in the head. 18 00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:41,756 Uh, Ron, next time, get shot in the head. 19 00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,086 Sterling, shut up. Cyril, continue. 20 00:00:44,581 --> 00:00:49,963 (SIGHS) So, as you can see, we are already down to 125 kilos of cocaine, 21 00:00:50,079 --> 00:00:52,707 which was worth about $6 million, so... 22 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,038 Wait, how much is that in pounds? 23 00:00:54,118 --> 00:00:55,961 Forget pounds! We're doing kilos! 24 00:00:56,034 --> 00:00:57,661 No, I meant pounds. Sterling! 25 00:00:57,742 --> 00:01:00,211 Exactly. As in Doctor Who money. 26 00:01:00,407 --> 00:01:03,627 How do you stand there and crack wise when this is all your fault? 27 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:04,698 My fault? 28 00:01:04,781 --> 00:01:07,660 I only lost 44.092 pounds of it, Mother. 29 00:01:07,737 --> 00:01:11,537 It's Pam's fault we had to give the Yakuza 100 kilos. 30 00:01:11,611 --> 00:01:14,581 And this other five, spoiler alert, she ate! 31 00:01:14,651 --> 00:01:16,494 Yeah, and would now be a good time 32 00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:18,365 to talk about Pam's cocaine addiction? 33 00:01:18,441 --> 00:01:20,614 Or the inspiring story of her heroic 34 00:01:20,690 --> 00:01:22,442 struggle to finally triumph over it? 35 00:01:23,564 --> 00:01:24,611 What are you eating? 36 00:01:25,064 --> 00:01:26,532 Yogurt! (GRUNTS) 37 00:01:26,604 --> 00:01:27,856 MALORY: Give me that! Hey! 38 00:01:27,937 --> 00:01:29,234 Lick it. Ugh! 39 00:01:29,311 --> 00:01:30,608 Well, can't unhear that. 40 00:01:32,061 --> 00:01:34,280 Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! 41 00:01:34,351 --> 00:01:35,648 Why have I never tried yogurt? 42 00:01:35,725 --> 00:01:38,069 How have you never tried yogurt? 43 00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:39,896 Mmm. I didn't know it was that good. 44 00:01:39,973 --> 00:01:42,146 It's good because it's cocaine! 45 00:01:42,223 --> 00:01:44,396 Oh, my God. And little kids eat it? 46 00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:45,974 Cyril, you said it was locked up. 47 00:01:46,054 --> 00:01:47,101 It is. 48 00:01:47,221 --> 00:01:48,564 In the cage in the pantry. 49 00:01:48,637 --> 00:01:49,934 MALORY: Then how did she get it? 50 00:01:50,385 --> 00:01:51,853 (WHISTLING) 51 00:01:55,966 --> 00:01:58,469 That is it! You're going to rehab. 52 00:01:58,549 --> 00:02:00,267 What? No, I can't! 53 00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:01,637 And you can't make me! 54 00:02:01,714 --> 00:02:03,637 Yeah, is that even necessary? 55 00:02:03,713 --> 00:02:05,386 I think she's in a pretty good place. 56 00:02:05,463 --> 00:02:07,056 She's going and that's final, and... 57 00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,631 I swear to God, if you send me to freaking rehab, 58 00:02:09,711 --> 00:02:11,304 I'll go right to the cops! What? 59 00:02:11,376 --> 00:02:13,253 ARCHER: Come on. You wouldn't dare. 60 00:02:13,709 --> 00:02:16,553 (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah? Just try... 61 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,417 Goddamn, Woodhouse. 62 00:02:20,498 --> 00:02:22,296 Only thing for a grass, mum. 63 00:02:23,704 --> 00:02:26,298 And, sir, I'm afraid your breakfast 64 00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:28,464 will be four minutes late. 65 00:02:28,786 --> 00:02:30,379 Ugh. Typical. 66 00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:33,204 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 67 00:02:37,193 --> 00:02:47,195 Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) 68 00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:12,998 ARCHER: What are you doing? Come on. Tighter. 69 00:03:13,615 --> 00:03:16,494 That's tight enough. We're not making tit bondage porn. 70 00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,324 That's a thing? Oh, yeah. 71 00:03:18,488 --> 00:03:19,580 Ugh! Ditto. 72 00:03:19,655 --> 00:03:22,124 I just don't want her to escape. You know how strong she is. 73 00:03:22,195 --> 00:03:24,163 Might as well be green and half-deaf. 74 00:03:24,236 --> 00:03:27,456 What if we move the coke and lock her in the cage till she's clean? 75 00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:29,569 Hey, yeah, sweat it out, like Popeye Doyle. 76 00:03:29,691 --> 00:03:30,658 How long would that take? 77 00:03:30,733 --> 00:03:31,734 I don't know. Couple of weeks? 78 00:03:31,816 --> 00:03:33,068 Try couple of never. 79 00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:34,821 This is Pam we're talking about, 80 00:03:34,898 --> 00:03:37,742 the poster child for addictive personality. 81 00:03:38,563 --> 00:03:40,190 What is wrong with you? 82 00:03:40,270 --> 00:03:42,944 (FAKE SOBBING) I learned it by watching you. 83 00:03:43,727 --> 00:03:44,819 Oh, my God. 84 00:03:44,894 --> 00:03:46,191 Yeah, spoiler alert. 85 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,400 So, what do you suggest we do? (GASPS) 86 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:51,729 We throw her a party. With an enormous cake! 87 00:03:51,808 --> 00:03:54,231 Cyril, can we spare another five pounds of cocaine? 88 00:03:54,389 --> 00:03:55,481 Malory! 89 00:03:55,555 --> 00:03:57,603 2.27 kilograms, then! 90 00:03:57,679 --> 00:03:59,681 Who are you, Thomas Corwin Mendenhall? 91 00:03:59,762 --> 00:04:00,763 Right? 92 00:04:00,845 --> 00:04:01,971 We're not killing Pam! 93 00:04:02,053 --> 00:04:03,805 CHERYL: Wait, what? Jesus. 94 00:04:03,885 --> 00:04:05,478 Oh, come on in. Make some more noise. 95 00:04:05,802 --> 00:04:07,270 Just 'cause now you're the fat one? 96 00:04:07,342 --> 00:04:09,219 Um, I said we were not killing her. 97 00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:10,550 Oh. 98 00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:12,055 And, also, this is a baby. 99 00:04:12,215 --> 00:04:14,968 Ew! A baby, by the way, that I did not eat, 100 00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,219 but to which I will give birth. 101 00:04:16,546 --> 00:04:18,093 Ew! (LAUGHS) Right? 102 00:04:18,171 --> 00:04:21,471 Well, if she won't go to rehab and you won't let her die with dignity... 103 00:04:21,544 --> 00:04:23,967 From an overdose of cocaine cake? 104 00:04:24,043 --> 00:04:25,135 Oh, please. 105 00:04:25,210 --> 00:04:27,338 Change the word "cocaine" to "Cookie Puss" 106 00:04:27,459 --> 00:04:30,963 and that's how her obituary was going to read anyway. (DOOR OPENS) 107 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,384 I may have a simply elegant solution. 108 00:04:33,623 --> 00:04:34,875 Krieger. Right? 109 00:04:34,955 --> 00:04:36,502 This place is like a Habitrail, 110 00:04:36,579 --> 00:04:39,207 there are secret passages everywhere. 111 00:04:39,287 --> 00:04:42,006 I think that's why the colored maids never felt safe. 112 00:04:42,077 --> 00:04:45,126 They'd be polishing a spittoon or whatever and suddenly, 113 00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:46,544 Grandpa. (ALL GASPING) 114 00:04:46,742 --> 00:04:48,870 Yeah. And dressed up like a ghost? 115 00:04:48,949 --> 00:04:50,326 What is it with your family wearing 116 00:04:50,407 --> 00:04:52,080 ghost costumes to scare black people? 117 00:04:52,156 --> 00:04:53,908 What is it with you people making 118 00:04:53,988 --> 00:04:56,867 tit bondage pornos in my ancestral home? 119 00:04:56,945 --> 00:04:59,118 (SPEAKING GERMAN) 120 00:04:59,195 --> 00:05:00,196 Ooh, yeah. 121 00:05:00,486 --> 00:05:02,534 So what's all this about a solution? 122 00:05:02,610 --> 00:05:03,611 Aha! Yes. 123 00:05:03,693 --> 00:05:05,787 And what is on my finger, you ask? 124 00:05:05,941 --> 00:05:07,989 I promise you no one is asking that. 125 00:05:08,065 --> 00:05:10,238 Well, they should because this nearly microscopic, 126 00:05:10,315 --> 00:05:13,910 wittle-bitty guy is my new and improved mind control chip. 127 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,701 Improved? On the one that made Len Trexler think he was a giant lettuce? 128 00:05:17,770 --> 00:05:20,068 (GASPS) Len Trexler... 129 00:05:20,311 --> 00:05:22,109 Who the hell is Len Trexler? 130 00:05:23,059 --> 00:05:24,106 Never heard of him. 131 00:05:24,184 --> 00:05:25,902 It's way improved, and look how tiny. 132 00:05:25,975 --> 00:05:29,149 I don't even need a drill. I can inject it right through the temple. 133 00:05:29,223 --> 00:05:31,021 Wait, what are we doing? 134 00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:32,895 Stabbing science into your brain. 135 00:05:32,972 --> 00:05:34,815 What? It's for your own good, dear. 136 00:05:34,888 --> 00:05:39,109 Yeah, so you don't wind up giving blowjobs in a bus station toilet. 137 00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:40,682 But for cocaine. 138 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,354 No! Let me go! (GROWLING) 139 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:47,351 Krieger, do you think a chip could cure someone of stage fright? 140 00:05:47,507 --> 00:05:49,384 (GASPS) No way! Nope! 141 00:05:49,465 --> 00:05:50,637 But you could be famous. 142 00:05:50,714 --> 00:05:51,840 I could be lettuce! 143 00:05:51,921 --> 00:05:53,264 Now, you listen to me, missy. 144 00:05:53,337 --> 00:05:55,135 You are getting a brain chip, 145 00:05:55,212 --> 00:05:57,715 and then you're going on the Grand Old Opera, 146 00:05:57,794 --> 00:05:59,671 and I don't care if it kills you... 147 00:05:59,918 --> 00:06:01,170 (ALL SCREAMING) 148 00:06:01,501 --> 00:06:03,344 Pam, honey, just calm down! (THUNDER RUMBLING) 149 00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:04,676 (ROARING) 150 00:06:05,124 --> 00:06:06,421 Somebody do something! 151 00:06:06,498 --> 00:06:08,250 Nobody do anything! 152 00:06:08,331 --> 00:06:09,332 Lana. 153 00:06:09,581 --> 00:06:10,707 (ROARING) 154 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:12,585 Lana! Krieger! 155 00:06:12,663 --> 00:06:14,006 Yeah, I'm on it. MALORY: Ow! 156 00:06:15,078 --> 00:06:16,125 Idiot. 157 00:06:16,494 --> 00:06:17,711 (CHERYL SCREAMING) 158 00:06:20,076 --> 00:06:21,999 Pam! Lana! 159 00:06:22,658 --> 00:06:26,413 This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy woman said! 160 00:06:29,572 --> 00:06:30,573 Lana. 161 00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:32,248 What? God shit damn it, Archer, what? 162 00:06:32,487 --> 00:06:34,114 Uh, never mind. 163 00:06:34,195 --> 00:06:35,242 Archer, I... 164 00:06:35,319 --> 00:06:36,696 The last thing you need right now 165 00:06:36,777 --> 00:06:39,121 is a big, shit-eating "I told you so." 166 00:06:39,193 --> 00:06:41,946 But it's exactly what you deserve. 167 00:06:42,025 --> 00:06:44,073 And, Krieger, I hope you have a lot more 168 00:06:44,149 --> 00:06:46,151 where this came from because... 169 00:06:46,690 --> 00:06:48,363 Super. Hunting women to force them 170 00:06:48,439 --> 00:06:49,986 to have surgery against their will. 171 00:06:50,063 --> 00:06:53,738 It's for Pam's own good. She'll die if she doesn't quit eating cocaine. 172 00:06:53,812 --> 00:06:54,904 And who's going to die 173 00:06:54,978 --> 00:06:57,356 if you don't get rich managing Cheryl's singing career? 174 00:06:57,435 --> 00:06:58,482 Maybe you. 175 00:06:58,601 --> 00:07:00,274 Now, get out there and have some fun! 176 00:07:00,350 --> 00:07:01,977 How could we not? 177 00:07:02,225 --> 00:07:05,069 Woodhouse, I swear to God, if you tell me lunch is four minutes late... 178 00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:08,565 No, sir. There's a Mr. Holly here. 179 00:07:08,638 --> 00:07:12,268 Sorry, an Agent Holly. From the FBI. 180 00:07:12,345 --> 00:07:13,597 (ALL GASPING) 181 00:07:14,803 --> 00:07:17,181 But lunch is still a firm 12:00. 182 00:07:18,884 --> 00:07:21,683 (CHUCKLES) Firm 12. 183 00:07:21,758 --> 00:07:23,726 You know, as in inches? 184 00:07:23,799 --> 00:07:26,348 Jesus, 0.3048 meters. 185 00:07:26,423 --> 00:07:28,642 Hi. Welcome to Nazi Canada! 186 00:07:28,838 --> 00:07:30,306 (IMITATES GAGGING) 187 00:07:37,251 --> 00:07:39,219 MALORY: Why is the FBI here? 188 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:40,919 Did he show you a warrant? 189 00:07:40,999 --> 00:07:42,216 No, sir, he... 190 00:07:42,290 --> 00:07:44,964 Then tell him to go piss off, he can't come inside without a warrant. 191 00:07:45,039 --> 00:07:46,040 He... 192 00:07:46,123 --> 00:07:47,249 Well, unless you invite him in. 193 00:07:47,330 --> 00:07:49,082 He's not a vampire, idiot. 194 00:07:49,162 --> 00:07:50,664 Plus, it's daytime. 195 00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:51,871 If invited in, 196 00:07:51,953 --> 00:07:54,126 law enforcement can enter your home without a warrant. 197 00:07:54,244 --> 00:07:57,043 Once inside, under the doctrine of "plain view," 198 00:07:57,118 --> 00:07:59,917 anything illegal, say, a truckload of cocaine in the kitchen, 199 00:07:59,991 --> 00:08:01,538 can be lawfully seized as evidence. 200 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,162 They can also enter a private residence 201 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,368 under any number of exigent circumstances, 202 00:08:05,447 --> 00:08:08,041 like providing emergency assistance to an occupant, say, 203 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,081 if they heard someone screaming... (SCREAMING) 204 00:08:10,861 --> 00:08:12,613 Good morning. 205 00:08:13,194 --> 00:08:14,696 No, sir, good day. 206 00:08:14,776 --> 00:08:17,029 I insist that you leave immediately, 207 00:08:17,109 --> 00:08:18,986 as you have entered this residence unlawfully. 208 00:08:19,358 --> 00:08:21,406 You want to jump in here, Yoda's dad? 209 00:08:21,482 --> 00:08:22,529 I invited him in. 210 00:08:22,606 --> 00:08:23,573 Woodhouse! 211 00:08:23,648 --> 00:08:26,743 And once you do that, you know, we are in. 212 00:08:26,813 --> 00:08:27,985 Not unlike vampires. 213 00:08:28,062 --> 00:08:29,029 See? What? 214 00:08:29,104 --> 00:08:31,527 Be that as it may, why are you here? 215 00:08:31,602 --> 00:08:35,357 Oh, just checking in, making sure you folks aren't engaging in treason, 216 00:08:35,434 --> 00:08:37,107 espionage or anything else illegal. 217 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,605 (CHUCKLES) Well, I can assure you... 218 00:08:38,683 --> 00:08:39,935 Like drugs. Hmm? 219 00:08:40,015 --> 00:08:41,107 Cocaine? Nope. 220 00:08:41,182 --> 00:08:42,900 Yakuza? Shootout? Mmm-mmm. Nope. 221 00:08:42,972 --> 00:08:45,191 No one here was shot by the Yakuza? 222 00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,391 (LAUGHING) Well, I think we'd remember that. 223 00:08:47,471 --> 00:08:48,848 Then what's his problem? 224 00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:49,895 Vasectomy. Piles. 225 00:08:49,969 --> 00:08:50,970 Gout. Mumps. 226 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,178 Gout mumps? Progeria! 227 00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:53,557 (SNIFFLES) He's just a little boy. 228 00:08:53,635 --> 00:08:54,682 But whatever is wrong with him... 229 00:08:54,759 --> 00:08:55,760 Gout mumps. 230 00:08:55,842 --> 00:08:58,436 ...is none of your business, and since nothing in plain view 231 00:08:58,508 --> 00:09:01,011 would lead a reasonable person to suspect illegal activity, 232 00:09:01,090 --> 00:09:02,933 I demand that you... (RAY SCREAMING) 233 00:09:03,172 --> 00:09:04,424 Nobody move! 234 00:09:04,755 --> 00:09:05,802 Well? 235 00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:07,548 They can also do what's known as a... 236 00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:09,256 HOLLY: Protective sweep! 237 00:09:09,378 --> 00:09:11,221 Case law regarding search-and-seizure 238 00:09:11,293 --> 00:09:13,136 is actually quite interesting... 239 00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:15,713 What about the cocaine? 240 00:09:15,792 --> 00:09:17,009 (MUFFLED SPEECH) 241 00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:19,506 ...admissible as evidence, but only if he sees it. 242 00:09:19,582 --> 00:09:22,506 So we have to keep him out of the kitchen. All right, fan out! 243 00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:25,003 Agent Holly is the prime target, but... 244 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:26,673 So, just so we're clear, you want us 245 00:09:26,745 --> 00:09:28,213 to tranquilize a federal agent? 246 00:09:28,286 --> 00:09:29,833 Do you have a better idea? 247 00:09:30,452 --> 00:09:31,453 I do not. 248 00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:33,753 Then we just slap some panties and rouge on him, 249 00:09:33,825 --> 00:09:36,453 pose him with Gillette, whose fault this is, 250 00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,500 make some glossy 8-by-10s. 251 00:09:38,573 --> 00:09:39,699 I'll do it! I have a camera! Dibs! 252 00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:41,125 And then I doubt we'll be hearing 253 00:09:41,197 --> 00:09:42,699 from Agent Holly in the future. 254 00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,158 Or you could pose him with Woodhouse. 255 00:09:45,237 --> 00:09:46,204 What? 256 00:09:46,278 --> 00:09:47,746 God knows, he's a little GILF. 257 00:09:47,861 --> 00:09:49,238 Ew! That's a thing? 258 00:09:49,444 --> 00:09:51,742 How do you not know the different kinds of porn? 259 00:09:51,817 --> 00:09:54,320 Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! 260 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,698 My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, 261 00:09:56,774 --> 00:09:58,321 a tube of Kentucky jelly, 262 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,071 self-loathing and a sock! 263 00:10:00,147 --> 00:10:02,821 Tell that to your cellmate! Now, go! 264 00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:05,106 You scared the shit out of me! 265 00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,985 Ugh! What, literally? 266 00:10:07,061 --> 00:10:08,984 Seriously, dude, what is up with you? 267 00:10:09,061 --> 00:10:13,817 I could walk, and now I can't, and ain't nobody loves old Ray no more. 268 00:10:14,099 --> 00:10:16,227 (SOBBING) Well, yeah, you're disgusting. 269 00:10:16,307 --> 00:10:20,562 But, you, I am totally digging this whole Queen Kong vibe. 270 00:10:20,722 --> 00:10:21,814 (ROARS) 271 00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,060 (SOBBING) 272 00:10:23,554 --> 00:10:26,899 My God, are they torturing a woman? 273 00:10:27,136 --> 00:10:29,935 Hang on, ma'am! I'm a federal agent, and I'm coming! 274 00:10:30,301 --> 00:10:31,974 By God, I am coming! 275 00:10:32,091 --> 00:10:33,968 Okay, you three head upstairs... Hang on. 276 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,302 I'm going to the kitchen to make sure 277 00:10:35,382 --> 00:10:36,634 he doesn't stumble onto the coke. 278 00:10:36,715 --> 00:10:37,762 Hang on. What? 279 00:10:37,839 --> 00:10:39,307 Question. What? 280 00:10:39,380 --> 00:10:41,428 Are we not saying "phrasing" anymore? 281 00:10:41,504 --> 00:10:43,927 Which, that's fine, whatever, but if we're doing a new thing 282 00:10:44,003 --> 00:10:46,552 and nobody told me, that I'd have a problem with. 283 00:10:46,628 --> 00:10:48,301 HOLLY: Oh, screw me! 284 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:53,379 Said Ripley to the android Bishop. 285 00:10:53,999 --> 00:10:55,672 Wait, hang on. Um... 286 00:10:56,290 --> 00:10:58,634 God damn it! What was wrong with "phrasing"? 287 00:10:58,705 --> 00:11:01,834 Nothing! I'm fine. Just get out, leave me alone! 288 00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:05,584 I just need to be sure you're not being held here against your... 289 00:11:06,493 --> 00:11:08,370 That is a federal offense! 290 00:11:08,451 --> 00:11:10,249 I said, get out! 291 00:11:10,450 --> 00:11:12,703 Oh, hey, remind me to reboot the CPU 292 00:11:12,782 --> 00:11:14,125 in Ray's spine so he can walk again. 293 00:11:14,198 --> 00:11:16,326 What? A reboot? That's all it takes? 294 00:11:16,448 --> 00:11:18,621 Beep-boop. He's been paralyzed for months. 295 00:11:18,697 --> 00:11:20,244 What the hell have you been waiting for? 296 00:11:21,279 --> 00:11:23,281 Think how much happier he'll be now. 297 00:11:23,528 --> 00:11:25,451 Or, and I'm just spitballing here, 298 00:11:25,776 --> 00:11:27,949 I find Holly first, show him the coke, 299 00:11:28,026 --> 00:11:29,824 get immunity, testify against them, 300 00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:33,200 then you and I go into witness protection 301 00:11:33,274 --> 00:11:35,993 and spend the rest of our miserable lives on the run, 302 00:11:36,064 --> 00:11:38,943 hounded by the fact that we betrayed our friends. Oh... 303 00:11:39,271 --> 00:11:42,241 Or I get arrested and give birth in a super-max prison and... 304 00:11:42,312 --> 00:11:44,610 Oh, wait. Does the baby grow up in prison or... 305 00:11:44,685 --> 00:11:45,857 (DOOR CREAKING) 306 00:11:46,143 --> 00:11:47,190 (GROANS) 307 00:11:47,268 --> 00:11:48,815 Hello, old friend. 308 00:11:48,891 --> 00:11:50,108 What the shit, Archer? 309 00:11:50,182 --> 00:11:51,604 Hang on. (THUD) 310 00:11:51,682 --> 00:11:53,184 I knew you'd shoot without looking. 311 00:11:53,265 --> 00:11:55,188 Oh, really, you know me that well? 312 00:11:55,264 --> 00:11:58,108 Well enough to know you're down here wondering if witness protection 313 00:11:58,179 --> 00:11:59,931 ever sends people to the Virgin Islands. 314 00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:01,309 Well, in case you'd forgotten, 315 00:12:01,386 --> 00:12:03,138 I have an unborn child to think about! 316 00:12:03,219 --> 00:12:05,597 Jesus Christ, Lana, who can forget? 317 00:12:05,676 --> 00:12:07,394 It's baby this, baby that. 318 00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:11,188 Aw... Baby Archer, who's a jeawous baby? 319 00:12:11,257 --> 00:12:13,601 What? Holy shit, do you have anemia? 320 00:12:13,673 --> 00:12:15,095 No. Uh, edema, 321 00:12:15,172 --> 00:12:19,518 hypertension, preeclampsia, Braxton Hicks contractions, pica? 322 00:12:19,670 --> 00:12:23,300 GERD? Lana, do you have GERD? (CLEARS THROAT) 323 00:12:23,668 --> 00:12:25,545 How do you know about the various 324 00:12:25,626 --> 00:12:27,469 possible complications of pregnancy? 325 00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,714 Archer? Maybe I looked it up. 326 00:12:30,832 --> 00:12:31,879 Why? 327 00:12:31,957 --> 00:12:34,176 I was concerned about you. Blow me! 328 00:12:34,247 --> 00:12:36,670 Just making sure you're not into preggo porn. 329 00:12:36,746 --> 00:12:39,590 Oh, God damn it! That can't be a thing! 330 00:12:39,661 --> 00:12:42,255 (CHUCKLES) It is absolutely a thing, 331 00:12:42,327 --> 00:12:43,920 and do you just not have the Internet, or... 332 00:12:43,993 --> 00:12:45,620 I have Minitel, okay? 333 00:12:45,909 --> 00:12:48,913 A, not the Internet, B, only works in... 334 00:12:48,991 --> 00:12:50,117 France, Lana. 335 00:12:50,198 --> 00:12:51,871 (SPEAKING FRENCH) 336 00:12:51,948 --> 00:12:54,042 Okay, um, thanks for your concern, 337 00:12:54,114 --> 00:12:55,491 and I don't know what you think 338 00:12:55,572 --> 00:12:57,074 you heard about witness protection, but... 339 00:12:57,153 --> 00:12:59,576 They don't make babies grow up in prison, Lana. 340 00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:00,700 Yeah, right? 341 00:13:00,777 --> 00:13:02,450 They take them away the minute they're born 342 00:13:02,527 --> 00:13:04,154 and send them to an orphanage. 343 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,244 No, not the minute they're... 344 00:13:06,316 --> 00:13:07,818 That very minute, Lana! 345 00:13:07,899 --> 00:13:09,401 They don't even dry them off! 346 00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:11,320 (SOBBING) 347 00:13:11,648 --> 00:13:15,494 So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a chance. 348 00:13:15,563 --> 00:13:16,985 But Archer, I... 349 00:13:17,395 --> 00:13:19,238 I'd also waste five precious minutes 350 00:13:19,311 --> 00:13:21,313 of my head start in the race to freedom 351 00:13:21,394 --> 00:13:25,865 giving that swell guy Archer a combination good-bye/thank-you blowjob. 352 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:30,766 (LAUGHING) 353 00:13:31,556 --> 00:13:32,557 Asshole. 354 00:13:32,638 --> 00:13:34,015 Yeah, or a rim job. 355 00:13:34,137 --> 00:13:35,980 What do you care? You're never going to see him again. 356 00:13:36,345 --> 00:13:37,392 I can't. 357 00:13:37,470 --> 00:13:39,518 I know. I was kidding, stupid. 358 00:13:40,010 --> 00:13:42,513 I mean I can't leave you, stupid! 359 00:13:42,634 --> 00:13:43,760 (BANGING ON DOOR) 360 00:13:43,841 --> 00:13:45,263 HOLLY: This is the FBI! 361 00:13:45,341 --> 00:13:47,014 Open this door! 362 00:13:47,340 --> 00:13:50,219 Well, not now, stupid. 363 00:13:50,589 --> 00:13:52,762 And so, wait. Where did we land on that blowjob? 364 00:13:53,754 --> 00:13:55,301 Sorry, rim job. 365 00:13:59,544 --> 00:14:01,842 HOLLY: Do you hear me? Open this door! 366 00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:07,845 Obstructing a federal agent is a felony punishable (GROANS) 367 00:14:08,165 --> 00:14:09,963 by up to 20 years imprisonment, 368 00:14:10,081 --> 00:14:13,881 if said obstruction results in the bodily injury of said agent, 369 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:18,209 which I think may have just happened to said agent's rotator cuff. 370 00:14:18,743 --> 00:14:19,710 Twenty years? 371 00:14:19,785 --> 00:14:21,207 Lana, look at all that coke! 372 00:14:21,284 --> 00:14:24,379 Twenty years is just going to be the Bacos on our prison salad. 373 00:14:24,449 --> 00:14:26,747 Besides, technically, Woodhouse is the one obstructing. 374 00:14:26,823 --> 00:14:27,870 Archer! Relax. 375 00:14:27,948 --> 00:14:29,575 They don't send people that old to prison. 376 00:14:29,656 --> 00:14:32,330 It costs, like, two grand a day just to keep them alive. 377 00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:33,747 I'm talking about us! 378 00:14:33,820 --> 00:14:34,867 Hmm. I don't know. 379 00:14:34,945 --> 00:14:37,039 100 bucks? Depends who you ask, Lana. 380 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,579 Liberals say this much, conservatives say this much... 381 00:14:39,651 --> 00:14:42,120 So, now you're just dicking around? Yes. 382 00:14:42,192 --> 00:14:44,115 Between the FBI and a ton of cocaine. 383 00:14:44,191 --> 00:14:45,192 Yes. 384 00:14:45,273 --> 00:14:47,696 So, can I assume you have a plan? 385 00:14:47,773 --> 00:14:48,774 Yes. 386 00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:52,449 I mean, I don't, but you can... 387 00:14:52,521 --> 00:14:54,273 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 388 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:55,937 (GRUNTS) 389 00:14:56,019 --> 00:14:57,191 I'm coming! 390 00:14:57,268 --> 00:14:58,485 ARCHER: Said Ripley to... 391 00:14:58,559 --> 00:15:00,186 Ow! God damn it, woman! 392 00:15:00,683 --> 00:15:02,731 Come on! Why are you slowing down? 393 00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:06,983 Need... (PANTING) Got to... More cocaine. 394 00:15:07,097 --> 00:15:08,690 So, please don't take this the wrong way, 395 00:15:08,764 --> 00:15:12,234 because I'm loving being your Esmeralda, but you may have a problem. 396 00:15:12,595 --> 00:15:15,895 And it sounds like the solution is more cocaine, 397 00:15:15,968 --> 00:15:17,845 so turn left up there. 398 00:15:18,634 --> 00:15:20,136 But why are you leaving? 399 00:15:20,217 --> 00:15:23,187 They can't compel a husband and wife to testify against each other! 400 00:15:23,299 --> 00:15:26,143 Oh, yeah? They may not have to compel me. (GASPS) 401 00:15:26,215 --> 00:15:28,434 And what is that supposed to mean? 402 00:15:28,505 --> 00:15:32,100 Why don't you ask that guy you never heard of, Len Trexler? 403 00:15:32,378 --> 00:15:33,755 How can I? I've never heard of him. 404 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,218 You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass 405 00:15:36,293 --> 00:15:37,465 and held on, would you? 406 00:15:38,043 --> 00:15:39,010 Ron, wait! 407 00:15:39,083 --> 00:15:40,084 What? 408 00:15:40,625 --> 00:15:44,425 Well, if you insist on being an ass, I can't stop you, 409 00:15:44,498 --> 00:15:46,341 but there is the small matter 410 00:15:46,414 --> 00:15:49,042 of my putting the deed to my apartment in your name. 411 00:15:49,121 --> 00:15:52,000 (LAUGHS) It's your loss! 412 00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:53,294 I'll mail you your furs. 413 00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,042 (GASPS) Don't you dare! 414 00:15:55,118 --> 00:15:57,621 At the very least, I insist on a bonded courier! 415 00:15:58,450 --> 00:15:59,542 Ron? 416 00:16:00,074 --> 00:16:02,168 ARCHER: Ow! Lana, cut it... Ow! 417 00:16:02,948 --> 00:16:03,949 (GRUNTS) 418 00:16:04,281 --> 00:16:06,158 What's this door made out of, Mithril? 419 00:16:07,446 --> 00:16:13,169 Just once, why can't you take anything seriously, just once? 420 00:16:13,235 --> 00:16:15,829 I was serious about that rim job. Ow! 421 00:16:15,901 --> 00:16:17,869 Seriously, please stop hitting me. 422 00:16:18,525 --> 00:16:19,742 What the... 423 00:16:20,441 --> 00:16:21,488 Oh, thank God! 424 00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:23,112 Cyril? Wait. How did you... 425 00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,692 This house is insane. 426 00:16:24,772 --> 00:16:27,616 And scary and gross, and I'm pretty sure I smelled a skeleton. 427 00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,360 No, you definitely smelled a skeleton. 428 00:16:29,437 --> 00:16:31,314 Well, this is great! How? 429 00:16:31,394 --> 00:16:33,021 I inhaled skeleton! 430 00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:35,525 Because now the coke (PAM GRUNTING) 431 00:16:35,601 --> 00:16:36,818 is getting eaten by Pam! 432 00:16:36,892 --> 00:16:38,189 Quick, make the wall spin around again! 433 00:16:38,266 --> 00:16:39,688 It just kind of spun by itself! 434 00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:43,520 Jesus Christ, have you people never even heard of Scooby Doo? 435 00:16:44,805 --> 00:16:46,057 Oh, come on! 436 00:16:47,054 --> 00:16:48,977 Uh, Pam? 437 00:16:49,137 --> 00:16:50,389 (ROARING) 438 00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,354 Ah, crap. 439 00:16:54,593 --> 00:16:55,640 (GROWLING) 440 00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,555 (LAUGHING) 441 00:16:59,882 --> 00:17:00,974 (WHIMPERING) 442 00:17:01,881 --> 00:17:03,178 (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. 443 00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,053 That's so freaking unsafe. 444 00:17:05,130 --> 00:17:06,803 Okay, Krieger, Cyril, get in there, 445 00:17:06,879 --> 00:17:08,051 and we'll spin you back around. 446 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,801 Archer... Why do I have to go back in there? 447 00:17:09,878 --> 00:17:10,925 Because I said so! 448 00:17:11,002 --> 00:17:12,299 KRIEGER: Yeah, plus skeletons? 449 00:17:12,376 --> 00:17:13,844 LANA: Archer? Got it. 450 00:17:13,917 --> 00:17:15,214 Oh! God damn it! 451 00:17:16,499 --> 00:17:19,093 Godspeed, you meddling kids. (WOODHOUSE MOANS) 452 00:17:19,166 --> 00:17:23,091 And sir, I'm afraid your breakfast will be four minutes late. 453 00:17:23,164 --> 00:17:25,292 Yeah, duh, I already berated you. 454 00:17:25,371 --> 00:17:26,714 Woodhouse, get away from the door! 455 00:17:28,162 --> 00:17:29,129 God damn it! 456 00:17:29,202 --> 00:17:31,375 Just what do you people think the letters FBI stand for? 457 00:17:31,452 --> 00:17:34,797 I bought a T-shirt once where it stood for "Female Body Inspector." 458 00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:36,915 (CHUCKLES) God, is Myrtle Beach not the best? 459 00:17:36,991 --> 00:17:40,791 Pull a stunt like this again, you'll never make it back to Myrtle Beach. 460 00:17:40,864 --> 00:17:42,616 I probably wasn't going to, anyway. 461 00:17:42,697 --> 00:17:44,665 Turns out it's actually not the best. 462 00:17:44,737 --> 00:17:47,536 And you actually have no right to search this house. 463 00:17:47,611 --> 00:17:50,114 As you can see, there's nothing illegal going on. 464 00:17:50,193 --> 00:17:52,616 Maybe not now, but I know you still have 465 00:17:52,692 --> 00:17:55,491 a lot of international contacts from your ISIS days. 466 00:17:55,566 --> 00:17:57,785 Mexico, Colombia, the Orient. 467 00:17:57,857 --> 00:18:00,952 I bet it wouldn't be too hard to get set up in the drug trade. 468 00:18:01,021 --> 00:18:02,523 Well, you'd be... (GROANS) 469 00:18:02,604 --> 00:18:04,732 We're not drug dealers, Agent Holly. 470 00:18:04,854 --> 00:18:08,575 Good, because I'll be watching you like a hawk 471 00:18:08,644 --> 00:18:10,487 that's been bred with an eagle. 472 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,531 To produce some sort of eagle-eyed super-hawk. 473 00:18:14,599 --> 00:18:16,067 With a badge. 474 00:18:20,763 --> 00:18:23,983 So, am I crazy, or is he super weird? 475 00:18:24,053 --> 00:18:26,852 (GROANS) Well, I'm torn, Lana, I really am. 476 00:18:26,927 --> 00:18:28,019 I want to say both, 477 00:18:28,094 --> 00:18:30,722 but I also don't want you to stop my heart again, so... 478 00:18:30,801 --> 00:18:33,600 Who's da widdle baby? Who's da widdle baby? 479 00:18:33,675 --> 00:18:36,554 Who's da widdle baby? Yes, he is, widdle, little baby! 480 00:18:37,756 --> 00:18:39,633 CYRIL: Wait. The brain chip is in there? 481 00:18:39,713 --> 00:18:41,010 I told you it was small. 482 00:18:41,088 --> 00:18:43,432 Said Ripley to the... No, doesn't work there. 483 00:18:43,504 --> 00:18:44,505 Yeah, it's crap. 484 00:18:44,586 --> 00:18:48,181 Okay, I actually only have one brain chip, so... 485 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:49,595 Who's our lucky winner? 486 00:18:49,668 --> 00:18:52,797 Hmm. I guess we have to decide if we want regular lame Cheryl 487 00:18:52,874 --> 00:18:55,002 and a Pam who's not going to overdose on cocaine and die, 488 00:18:55,082 --> 00:18:59,679 or potentially famous country singer Cheryl and a Pam who... Tits. 489 00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:01,252 Flip a coin? 490 00:19:01,954 --> 00:19:03,001 No. 491 00:19:03,869 --> 00:19:06,839 And, yeah, he's a weirdo, but I think Agent Holly's right. 492 00:19:06,910 --> 00:19:09,333 We do have a lot of international connections. 493 00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:12,788 So, I'm thinking I should take a trip down old Mexico way, 494 00:19:12,865 --> 00:19:16,210 maybe Colombia, or even Southeast Asia, or... 495 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,869 Hey, where's Ron? 496 00:19:17,947 --> 00:19:18,994 Never heard of him. 497 00:19:19,321 --> 00:19:21,824 Lana, let it go. Jesus. 498 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:26,829 But maybe we should try to sell out to an international cartel. 499 00:19:28,068 --> 00:19:29,411 But let me be clear. 500 00:19:29,484 --> 00:19:31,077 You won't be gallivanting around 501 00:19:31,149 --> 00:19:32,366 under the pretense of work 502 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,784 just to visit the fleshpots of the world. 503 00:19:34,856 --> 00:19:36,779 This isn't ISIS. No, I... 504 00:19:36,855 --> 00:19:39,608 And it definitely isn't your semester abroad. 505 00:19:39,687 --> 00:19:41,280 What? Come on, that's... 506 00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:43,072 Hey, I don't think we need to go into all the... 507 00:19:43,144 --> 00:19:45,238 Cobra whiskey and lady boys. I mean... 508 00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:46,357 Ha! 509 00:19:46,434 --> 00:19:48,107 Shut up. You shut up! 510 00:19:48,184 --> 00:19:51,688 And Krieger? I trust the brain chip implant was a success? 511 00:19:51,766 --> 00:19:54,940 I think. I mean, it's in there and she's alive. 512 00:19:55,014 --> 00:19:57,984 Now we just have to wait to see if there are any adverse side effects. 513 00:19:58,970 --> 00:19:59,971 (YAWNING) 514 00:20:01,844 --> 00:20:03,391 Uh... Cheryl? 515 00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:05,062 Nah, Cheryl's gone. 516 00:20:05,134 --> 00:20:06,477 I'm Cherlene now. 517 00:20:06,550 --> 00:20:08,427 And if somebody don't fry me 518 00:20:08,509 --> 00:20:10,887 six goddamn eggs and some Carolina fries, 519 00:20:10,965 --> 00:20:13,809 I would personally be shocked, shocked, I tell you, 520 00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:16,179 if by morning this place ain't burned to the ground. 521 00:20:17,546 --> 00:20:18,763 (YAWNING) 522 00:20:24,085 --> 00:20:28,340 And I'm not a doctor, but, I mean, I'm definitely a doctor, so. 523 00:20:28,458 --> 00:20:31,758 No, I think we're good. Yup. yup, yup. 524 00:20:37,458 --> 00:20:47,546 Ripped By mstoll Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-) 525 00:20:47,596 --> 00:20:52,146 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38741

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