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1
00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:04,900
CYRIL: And so, if I could direct
your attention to these visual aids,
2
00:00:04,973 --> 00:00:07,601
you will see that
from our initial supply
3
00:00:07,681 --> 00:00:09,934
of 1,000 kilos
of cocaine, we...
4
00:00:10,012 --> 00:00:12,356
Hang on, dummy,
we had a ton of cocaine.
5
00:00:12,428 --> 00:00:15,682
No. Well, we had a tonne,
T-O-N-N-E,
6
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,387
also known as
a metric ton, but...
7
00:00:17,468 --> 00:00:19,470
Metric. Who uses metric?
8
00:00:19,551 --> 00:00:21,349
Every single country
on the planet
9
00:00:21,424 --> 00:00:23,301
except for us,
Liberia and Burma.
10
00:00:23,382 --> 00:00:24,508
Wow, really?
Yup.
11
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:27,388
'Cause you never think of those other
two as having their shit together.
12
00:00:27,839 --> 00:00:29,182
Anyway,
as you can see...
13
00:00:29,255 --> 00:00:30,552
Why are they thermometers?
14
00:00:31,087 --> 00:00:32,930
I thought they were cocks.
Wait, they're not?
15
00:00:33,169 --> 00:00:35,797
No. They are not cocks!
16
00:00:35,876 --> 00:00:38,299
Okay!
Jesus, you people.
17
00:00:38,376 --> 00:00:40,003
Next time, remind me
to get shot in the head.
18
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:41,756
Uh, Ron, next time,
get shot in the head.
19
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,086
Sterling, shut up.
Cyril, continue.
20
00:00:44,581 --> 00:00:49,963
(SIGHS) So, as you can see, we are
already down to 125 kilos of cocaine,
21
00:00:50,079 --> 00:00:52,707
which was worth
about $6 million, so...
22
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,038
Wait, how much is that
in pounds?
23
00:00:54,118 --> 00:00:55,961
Forget pounds!
We're doing kilos!
24
00:00:56,034 --> 00:00:57,661
No, I meant pounds.
Sterling!
25
00:00:57,742 --> 00:01:00,211
Exactly.
As in Doctor Who money.
26
00:01:00,407 --> 00:01:03,627
How do you stand there and crack
wise when this is all your fault?
27
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:04,698
My fault?
28
00:01:04,781 --> 00:01:07,660
I only lost 44.092 pounds
of it, Mother.
29
00:01:07,737 --> 00:01:11,537
It's Pam's fault we had
to give the Yakuza 100 kilos.
30
00:01:11,611 --> 00:01:14,581
And this other five,
spoiler alert, she ate!
31
00:01:14,651 --> 00:01:16,494
Yeah, and would now
be a good time
32
00:01:16,567 --> 00:01:18,365
to talk about Pam's
cocaine addiction?
33
00:01:18,441 --> 00:01:20,614
Or the inspiring
story of her heroic
34
00:01:20,690 --> 00:01:22,442
struggle to finally
triumph over it?
35
00:01:23,564 --> 00:01:24,611
What are you eating?
36
00:01:25,064 --> 00:01:26,532
Yogurt! (GRUNTS)
37
00:01:26,604 --> 00:01:27,856
MALORY: Give me that!
Hey!
38
00:01:27,937 --> 00:01:29,234
Lick it.
Ugh!
39
00:01:29,311 --> 00:01:30,608
Well, can't unhear that.
40
00:01:32,061 --> 00:01:34,280
Holy shit,
yogurt is amazing!
41
00:01:34,351 --> 00:01:35,648
Why have I never
tried yogurt?
42
00:01:35,725 --> 00:01:38,069
How have you
never tried yogurt?
43
00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:39,896
Mmm. I didn't know
it was that good.
44
00:01:39,973 --> 00:01:42,146
It's good
because it's cocaine!
45
00:01:42,223 --> 00:01:44,396
Oh, my God.
And little kids eat it?
46
00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:45,974
Cyril, you said
it was locked up.
47
00:01:46,054 --> 00:01:47,101
It is.
48
00:01:47,221 --> 00:01:48,564
In the cage in the pantry.
49
00:01:48,637 --> 00:01:49,934
MALORY:
Then how did she get it?
50
00:01:50,385 --> 00:01:51,853
(WHISTLING)
51
00:01:55,966 --> 00:01:58,469
That is it!
You're going to rehab.
52
00:01:58,549 --> 00:02:00,267
What? No, I can't!
53
00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:01,637
And you can't make me!
54
00:02:01,714 --> 00:02:03,637
Yeah, is that
even necessary?
55
00:02:03,713 --> 00:02:05,386
I think she's in
a pretty good place.
56
00:02:05,463 --> 00:02:07,056
She's going
and that's final, and...
57
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:09,631
I swear to God, if you
send me to freaking rehab,
58
00:02:09,711 --> 00:02:11,304
I'll go right to the cops!
What?
59
00:02:11,376 --> 00:02:13,253
ARCHER: Come on.
You wouldn't dare.
60
00:02:13,709 --> 00:02:16,553
(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah?
Just try...
61
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,417
Goddamn, Woodhouse.
62
00:02:20,498 --> 00:02:22,296
Only thing
for a grass, mum.
63
00:02:23,704 --> 00:02:26,298
And, sir, I'm afraid
your breakfast
64
00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:28,464
will be four minutes late.
65
00:02:28,786 --> 00:02:30,379
Ugh. Typical.
66
00:02:31,202 --> 00:02:33,204
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
67
00:02:37,193 --> 00:02:47,195
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
68
00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:12,998
ARCHER: What are you doing?
Come on. Tighter.
69
00:03:13,615 --> 00:03:16,494
That's tight enough. We're
not making tit bondage porn.
70
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,324
That's a thing?
Oh, yeah.
71
00:03:18,488 --> 00:03:19,580
Ugh!
Ditto.
72
00:03:19,655 --> 00:03:22,124
I just don't want her to escape.
You know how strong she is.
73
00:03:22,195 --> 00:03:24,163
Might as well be
green and half-deaf.
74
00:03:24,236 --> 00:03:27,456
What if we move the coke and lock
her in the cage till she's clean?
75
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:29,569
Hey, yeah, sweat it out,
like Popeye Doyle.
76
00:03:29,691 --> 00:03:30,658
How long would
that take?
77
00:03:30,733 --> 00:03:31,734
I don't know.
Couple of weeks?
78
00:03:31,816 --> 00:03:33,068
Try couple of never.
79
00:03:33,148 --> 00:03:34,821
This is Pam
we're talking about,
80
00:03:34,898 --> 00:03:37,742
the poster child for
addictive personality.
81
00:03:38,563 --> 00:03:40,190
What is wrong with you?
82
00:03:40,270 --> 00:03:42,944
(FAKE SOBBING) I learned it
by watching you.
83
00:03:43,727 --> 00:03:44,819
Oh, my God.
84
00:03:44,894 --> 00:03:46,191
Yeah, spoiler alert.
85
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,400
So, what do you suggest we do?
(GASPS)
86
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:51,729
We throw her a party.
With an enormous cake!
87
00:03:51,808 --> 00:03:54,231
Cyril, can we spare another
five pounds of cocaine?
88
00:03:54,389 --> 00:03:55,481
Malory!
89
00:03:55,555 --> 00:03:57,603
2.27 kilograms, then!
90
00:03:57,679 --> 00:03:59,681
Who are you,
Thomas Corwin Mendenhall?
91
00:03:59,762 --> 00:04:00,763
Right?
92
00:04:00,845 --> 00:04:01,971
We're not killing Pam!
93
00:04:02,053 --> 00:04:03,805
CHERYL: Wait, what?
Jesus.
94
00:04:03,885 --> 00:04:05,478
Oh, come on in.
Make some more noise.
95
00:04:05,802 --> 00:04:07,270
Just 'cause now
you're the fat one?
96
00:04:07,342 --> 00:04:09,219
Um, I said we were
not killing her.
97
00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:10,550
Oh.
98
00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:12,055
And, also,
this is a baby.
99
00:04:12,215 --> 00:04:14,968
Ew! A baby, by the way,
that I did not eat,
100
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,219
but to which
I will give birth.
101
00:04:16,546 --> 00:04:18,093
Ew!
(LAUGHS) Right?
102
00:04:18,171 --> 00:04:21,471
Well, if she won't go to rehab and you
won't let her die with dignity...
103
00:04:21,544 --> 00:04:23,967
From an overdose
of cocaine cake?
104
00:04:24,043 --> 00:04:25,135
Oh, please.
105
00:04:25,210 --> 00:04:27,338
Change the word "cocaine"
to "Cookie Puss"
106
00:04:27,459 --> 00:04:30,963
and that's how her obituary was
going to read anyway. (DOOR OPENS)
107
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,384
I may have a simply
elegant solution.
108
00:04:33,623 --> 00:04:34,875
Krieger.
Right?
109
00:04:34,955 --> 00:04:36,502
This place
is like a Habitrail,
110
00:04:36,579 --> 00:04:39,207
there are secret
passages everywhere.
111
00:04:39,287 --> 00:04:42,006
I think that's why the colored
maids never felt safe.
112
00:04:42,077 --> 00:04:45,126
They'd be polishing a spittoon
or whatever and suddenly,
113
00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:46,544
Grandpa.
(ALL GASPING)
114
00:04:46,742 --> 00:04:48,870
Yeah. And dressed up
like a ghost?
115
00:04:48,949 --> 00:04:50,326
What is it with
your family wearing
116
00:04:50,407 --> 00:04:52,080
ghost costumes
to scare black people?
117
00:04:52,156 --> 00:04:53,908
What is it with
you people making
118
00:04:53,988 --> 00:04:56,867
tit bondage pornos
in my ancestral home?
119
00:04:56,945 --> 00:04:59,118
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
120
00:04:59,195 --> 00:05:00,196
Ooh, yeah.
121
00:05:00,486 --> 00:05:02,534
So what's all this
about a solution?
122
00:05:02,610 --> 00:05:03,611
Aha! Yes.
123
00:05:03,693 --> 00:05:05,787
And what is on
my finger, you ask?
124
00:05:05,941 --> 00:05:07,989
I promise you
no one is asking that.
125
00:05:08,065 --> 00:05:10,238
Well, they should because
this nearly microscopic,
126
00:05:10,315 --> 00:05:13,910
wittle-bitty guy is my new and
improved mind control chip.
127
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:17,701
Improved? On the one that made Len
Trexler think he was a giant lettuce?
128
00:05:17,770 --> 00:05:20,068
(GASPS) Len Trexler...
129
00:05:20,311 --> 00:05:22,109
Who the hell
is Len Trexler?
130
00:05:23,059 --> 00:05:24,106
Never heard of him.
131
00:05:24,184 --> 00:05:25,902
It's way improved,
and look how tiny.
132
00:05:25,975 --> 00:05:29,149
I don't even need a drill. I can
inject it right through the temple.
133
00:05:29,223 --> 00:05:31,021
Wait, what are we doing?
134
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:32,895
Stabbing science
into your brain.
135
00:05:32,972 --> 00:05:34,815
What? It's for your
own good, dear.
136
00:05:34,888 --> 00:05:39,109
Yeah, so you don't wind up giving
blowjobs in a bus station toilet.
137
00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:40,682
But for cocaine.
138
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,354
No! Let me go!
(GROWLING)
139
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:47,351
Krieger, do you think a chip could
cure someone of stage fright?
140
00:05:47,507 --> 00:05:49,384
(GASPS) No way! Nope!
141
00:05:49,465 --> 00:05:50,637
But you could be famous.
142
00:05:50,714 --> 00:05:51,840
I could be lettuce!
143
00:05:51,921 --> 00:05:53,264
Now, you listen
to me, missy.
144
00:05:53,337 --> 00:05:55,135
You are getting
a brain chip,
145
00:05:55,212 --> 00:05:57,715
and then you're going on
the Grand Old Opera,
146
00:05:57,794 --> 00:05:59,671
and I don't care
if it kills you...
147
00:05:59,918 --> 00:06:01,170
(ALL SCREAMING)
148
00:06:01,501 --> 00:06:03,344
Pam, honey, just calm down!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
149
00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:04,676
(ROARING)
150
00:06:05,124 --> 00:06:06,421
Somebody do something!
151
00:06:06,498 --> 00:06:08,250
Nobody do anything!
152
00:06:08,331 --> 00:06:09,332
Lana.
153
00:06:09,581 --> 00:06:10,707
(ROARING)
154
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:12,585
Lana!
Krieger!
155
00:06:12,663 --> 00:06:14,006
Yeah, I'm on it.
MALORY: Ow!
156
00:06:15,078 --> 00:06:16,125
Idiot.
157
00:06:16,494 --> 00:06:17,711
(CHERYL SCREAMING)
158
00:06:20,076 --> 00:06:21,999
Pam!
Lana!
159
00:06:22,658 --> 00:06:26,413
This is only somewhat like
that old Gypsy woman said!
160
00:06:29,572 --> 00:06:30,573
Lana.
161
00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:32,248
What? God shit
damn it, Archer, what?
162
00:06:32,487 --> 00:06:34,114
Uh, never mind.
163
00:06:34,195 --> 00:06:35,242
Archer, I...
164
00:06:35,319 --> 00:06:36,696
The last thing
you need right now
165
00:06:36,777 --> 00:06:39,121
is a big, shit-eating
"I told you so."
166
00:06:39,193 --> 00:06:41,946
But it's exactly
what you deserve.
167
00:06:42,025 --> 00:06:44,073
And, Krieger, I hope
you have a lot more
168
00:06:44,149 --> 00:06:46,151
where this
came from because...
169
00:06:46,690 --> 00:06:48,363
Super. Hunting women
to force them
170
00:06:48,439 --> 00:06:49,986
to have surgery
against their will.
171
00:06:50,063 --> 00:06:53,738
It's for Pam's own good. She'll die
if she doesn't quit eating cocaine.
172
00:06:53,812 --> 00:06:54,904
And who's going to die
173
00:06:54,978 --> 00:06:57,356
if you don't get rich managing
Cheryl's singing career?
174
00:06:57,435 --> 00:06:58,482
Maybe you.
175
00:06:58,601 --> 00:07:00,274
Now, get out there
and have some fun!
176
00:07:00,350 --> 00:07:01,977
How could we not?
177
00:07:02,225 --> 00:07:05,069
Woodhouse, I swear to God, if you
tell me lunch is four minutes late...
178
00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:08,565
No, sir.
There's a Mr. Holly here.
179
00:07:08,638 --> 00:07:12,268
Sorry, an Agent Holly.
From the FBI.
180
00:07:12,345 --> 00:07:13,597
(ALL GASPING)
181
00:07:14,803 --> 00:07:17,181
But lunch
is still a firm 12:00.
182
00:07:18,884 --> 00:07:21,683
(CHUCKLES) Firm 12.
183
00:07:21,758 --> 00:07:23,726
You know, as in inches?
184
00:07:23,799 --> 00:07:26,348
Jesus, 0.3048 meters.
185
00:07:26,423 --> 00:07:28,642
Hi. Welcome to Nazi Canada!
186
00:07:28,838 --> 00:07:30,306
(IMITATES GAGGING)
187
00:07:37,251 --> 00:07:39,219
MALORY:
Why is the FBI here?
188
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:40,919
Did he show you
a warrant?
189
00:07:40,999 --> 00:07:42,216
No, sir, he...
190
00:07:42,290 --> 00:07:44,964
Then tell him to go piss off, he
can't come inside without a warrant.
191
00:07:45,039 --> 00:07:46,040
He...
192
00:07:46,123 --> 00:07:47,249
Well, unless you
invite him in.
193
00:07:47,330 --> 00:07:49,082
He's not
a vampire, idiot.
194
00:07:49,162 --> 00:07:50,664
Plus, it's daytime.
195
00:07:50,745 --> 00:07:51,871
If invited in,
196
00:07:51,953 --> 00:07:54,126
law enforcement can enter
your home without a warrant.
197
00:07:54,244 --> 00:07:57,043
Once inside, under the
doctrine of "plain view,"
198
00:07:57,118 --> 00:07:59,917
anything illegal, say, a truckload
of cocaine in the kitchen,
199
00:07:59,991 --> 00:08:01,538
can be lawfully
seized as evidence.
200
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,162
They can also enter
a private residence
201
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,368
under any number of
exigent circumstances,
202
00:08:05,447 --> 00:08:08,041
like providing emergency
assistance to an occupant, say,
203
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,081
if they heard someone screaming...
(SCREAMING)
204
00:08:10,861 --> 00:08:12,613
Good morning.
205
00:08:13,194 --> 00:08:14,696
No, sir, good day.
206
00:08:14,776 --> 00:08:17,029
I insist that you
leave immediately,
207
00:08:17,109 --> 00:08:18,986
as you have entered
this residence unlawfully.
208
00:08:19,358 --> 00:08:21,406
You want to jump
in here, Yoda's dad?
209
00:08:21,482 --> 00:08:22,529
I invited him in.
210
00:08:22,606 --> 00:08:23,573
Woodhouse!
211
00:08:23,648 --> 00:08:26,743
And once you do that,
you know, we are in.
212
00:08:26,813 --> 00:08:27,985
Not unlike vampires.
213
00:08:28,062 --> 00:08:29,029
See?
What?
214
00:08:29,104 --> 00:08:31,527
Be that as it may,
why are you here?
215
00:08:31,602 --> 00:08:35,357
Oh, just checking in, making sure you
folks aren't engaging in treason,
216
00:08:35,434 --> 00:08:37,107
espionage or
anything else illegal.
217
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,605
(CHUCKLES) Well, I can
assure you...
218
00:08:38,683 --> 00:08:39,935
Like drugs.
Hmm?
219
00:08:40,015 --> 00:08:41,107
Cocaine?
Nope.
220
00:08:41,182 --> 00:08:42,900
Yakuza? Shootout?
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
221
00:08:42,972 --> 00:08:45,191
No one here was
shot by the Yakuza?
222
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,391
(LAUGHING) Well,
I think we'd remember that.
223
00:08:47,471 --> 00:08:48,848
Then what's
his problem?
224
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:49,895
Vasectomy.
Piles.
225
00:08:49,969 --> 00:08:50,970
Gout.
Mumps.
226
00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,178
Gout mumps?
Progeria!
227
00:08:52,260 --> 00:08:53,557
(SNIFFLES)
He's just a little boy.
228
00:08:53,635 --> 00:08:54,682
But whatever is
wrong with him...
229
00:08:54,759 --> 00:08:55,760
Gout mumps.
230
00:08:55,842 --> 00:08:58,436
...is none of your business, and
since nothing in plain view
231
00:08:58,508 --> 00:09:01,011
would lead a reasonable person
to suspect illegal activity,
232
00:09:01,090 --> 00:09:02,933
I demand that you...
(RAY SCREAMING)
233
00:09:03,172 --> 00:09:04,424
Nobody move!
234
00:09:04,755 --> 00:09:05,802
Well?
235
00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:07,548
They can also do
what's known as a...
236
00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:09,256
HOLLY: Protective sweep!
237
00:09:09,378 --> 00:09:11,221
Case law regarding
search-and-seizure
238
00:09:11,293 --> 00:09:13,136
is actually
quite interesting...
239
00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:15,713
What about the cocaine?
240
00:09:15,792 --> 00:09:17,009
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
241
00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:19,506
...admissible as evidence,
but only if he sees it.
242
00:09:19,582 --> 00:09:22,506
So we have to keep him out of the kitchen.
All right, fan out!
243
00:09:22,580 --> 00:09:25,003
Agent Holly
is the prime target, but...
244
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:26,673
So, just so we're clear,
you want us
245
00:09:26,745 --> 00:09:28,213
to tranquilize
a federal agent?
246
00:09:28,286 --> 00:09:29,833
Do you have
a better idea?
247
00:09:30,452 --> 00:09:31,453
I do not.
248
00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:33,753
Then we just slap some
panties and rouge on him,
249
00:09:33,825 --> 00:09:36,453
pose him with Gillette,
whose fault this is,
250
00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,500
make some glossy 8-by-10s.
251
00:09:38,573 --> 00:09:39,699
I'll do it!
I have a camera! Dibs!
252
00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:41,125
And then I doubt
we'll be hearing
253
00:09:41,197 --> 00:09:42,699
from Agent Holly
in the future.
254
00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,158
Or you could pose
him with Woodhouse.
255
00:09:45,237 --> 00:09:46,204
What?
256
00:09:46,278 --> 00:09:47,746
God knows,
he's a little GILF.
257
00:09:47,861 --> 00:09:49,238
Ew!
That's a thing?
258
00:09:49,444 --> 00:09:51,742
How do you not know
the different kinds of porn?
259
00:09:51,817 --> 00:09:54,320
Because I have sex
with actual women, Cyril!
260
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,698
My girlfriend's not equal
parts the Internet,
261
00:09:56,774 --> 00:09:58,321
a tube of Kentucky jelly,
262
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,071
self-loathing
and a sock!
263
00:10:00,147 --> 00:10:02,821
Tell that to your cellmate!
Now, go!
264
00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:05,106
You scared
the shit out of me!
265
00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:06,985
Ugh! What, literally?
266
00:10:07,061 --> 00:10:08,984
Seriously, dude,
what is up with you?
267
00:10:09,061 --> 00:10:13,817
I could walk, and now I can't, and
ain't nobody loves old Ray no more.
268
00:10:14,099 --> 00:10:16,227
(SOBBING) Well, yeah,
you're disgusting.
269
00:10:16,307 --> 00:10:20,562
But, you, I am totally digging
this whole Queen Kong vibe.
270
00:10:20,722 --> 00:10:21,814
(ROARS)
271
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,060
(SOBBING)
272
00:10:23,554 --> 00:10:26,899
My God, are they
torturing a woman?
273
00:10:27,136 --> 00:10:29,935
Hang on, ma'am! I'm a federal
agent, and I'm coming!
274
00:10:30,301 --> 00:10:31,974
By God, I am coming!
275
00:10:32,091 --> 00:10:33,968
Okay, you three head upstairs...
Hang on.
276
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,302
I'm going to
the kitchen to make sure
277
00:10:35,382 --> 00:10:36,634
he doesn't
stumble onto the coke.
278
00:10:36,715 --> 00:10:37,762
Hang on.
What?
279
00:10:37,839 --> 00:10:39,307
Question.
What?
280
00:10:39,380 --> 00:10:41,428
Are we not saying
"phrasing" anymore?
281
00:10:41,504 --> 00:10:43,927
Which, that's fine, whatever,
but if we're doing a new thing
282
00:10:44,003 --> 00:10:46,552
and nobody told me, that
I'd have a problem with.
283
00:10:46,628 --> 00:10:48,301
HOLLY: Oh, screw me!
284
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:53,379
Said Ripley to
the android Bishop.
285
00:10:53,999 --> 00:10:55,672
Wait, hang on. Um...
286
00:10:56,290 --> 00:10:58,634
God damn it! What was
wrong with "phrasing"?
287
00:10:58,705 --> 00:11:01,834
Nothing! I'm fine. Just
get out, leave me alone!
288
00:11:01,954 --> 00:11:05,584
I just need to be sure you're not
being held here against your...
289
00:11:06,493 --> 00:11:08,370
That is a federal offense!
290
00:11:08,451 --> 00:11:10,249
I said, get out!
291
00:11:10,450 --> 00:11:12,703
Oh, hey, remind me
to reboot the CPU
292
00:11:12,782 --> 00:11:14,125
in Ray's spine
so he can walk again.
293
00:11:14,198 --> 00:11:16,326
What? A reboot?
That's all it takes?
294
00:11:16,448 --> 00:11:18,621
Beep-boop. He's been
paralyzed for months.
295
00:11:18,697 --> 00:11:20,244
What the hell have
you been waiting for?
296
00:11:21,279 --> 00:11:23,281
Think how much
happier he'll be now.
297
00:11:23,528 --> 00:11:25,451
Or, and I'm just
spitballing here,
298
00:11:25,776 --> 00:11:27,949
I find Holly first,
show him the coke,
299
00:11:28,026 --> 00:11:29,824
get immunity,
testify against them,
300
00:11:29,900 --> 00:11:33,200
then you and I go
into witness protection
301
00:11:33,274 --> 00:11:35,993
and spend the rest of our
miserable lives on the run,
302
00:11:36,064 --> 00:11:38,943
hounded by the fact that we
betrayed our friends. Oh...
303
00:11:39,271 --> 00:11:42,241
Or I get arrested and give birth
in a super-max prison and...
304
00:11:42,312 --> 00:11:44,610
Oh, wait. Does the baby
grow up in prison or...
305
00:11:44,685 --> 00:11:45,857
(DOOR CREAKING)
306
00:11:46,143 --> 00:11:47,190
(GROANS)
307
00:11:47,268 --> 00:11:48,815
Hello, old friend.
308
00:11:48,891 --> 00:11:50,108
What the shit, Archer?
309
00:11:50,182 --> 00:11:51,604
Hang on.
(THUD)
310
00:11:51,682 --> 00:11:53,184
I knew you'd shoot
without looking.
311
00:11:53,265 --> 00:11:55,188
Oh, really,
you know me that well?
312
00:11:55,264 --> 00:11:58,108
Well enough to know you're down here
wondering if witness protection
313
00:11:58,179 --> 00:11:59,931
ever sends people
to the Virgin Islands.
314
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:01,309
Well, in case
you'd forgotten,
315
00:12:01,386 --> 00:12:03,138
I have an unborn child
to think about!
316
00:12:03,219 --> 00:12:05,597
Jesus Christ, Lana,
who can forget?
317
00:12:05,676 --> 00:12:07,394
It's baby this,
baby that.
318
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:11,188
Aw... Baby Archer,
who's a jeawous baby?
319
00:12:11,257 --> 00:12:13,601
What? Holy shit,
do you have anemia?
320
00:12:13,673 --> 00:12:15,095
No.
Uh, edema,
321
00:12:15,172 --> 00:12:19,518
hypertension, preeclampsia,
Braxton Hicks contractions, pica?
322
00:12:19,670 --> 00:12:23,300
GERD? Lana, do you have GERD?
(CLEARS THROAT)
323
00:12:23,668 --> 00:12:25,545
How do you know
about the various
324
00:12:25,626 --> 00:12:27,469
possible complications
of pregnancy?
325
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,714
Archer?
Maybe I looked it up.
326
00:12:30,832 --> 00:12:31,879
Why?
327
00:12:31,957 --> 00:12:34,176
I was concerned
about you. Blow me!
328
00:12:34,247 --> 00:12:36,670
Just making sure you're
not into preggo porn.
329
00:12:36,746 --> 00:12:39,590
Oh, God damn it!
That can't be a thing!
330
00:12:39,661 --> 00:12:42,255
(CHUCKLES)
It is absolutely a thing,
331
00:12:42,327 --> 00:12:43,920
and do you just not have
the Internet, or...
332
00:12:43,993 --> 00:12:45,620
I have Minitel, okay?
333
00:12:45,909 --> 00:12:48,913
A, not the Internet,
B, only works in...
334
00:12:48,991 --> 00:12:50,117
France, Lana.
335
00:12:50,198 --> 00:12:51,871
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
336
00:12:51,948 --> 00:12:54,042
Okay, um,
thanks for your concern,
337
00:12:54,114 --> 00:12:55,491
and I don't know
what you think
338
00:12:55,572 --> 00:12:57,074
you heard about
witness protection, but...
339
00:12:57,153 --> 00:12:59,576
They don't make babies
grow up in prison, Lana.
340
00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:00,700
Yeah, right?
341
00:13:00,777 --> 00:13:02,450
They take them away
the minute they're born
342
00:13:02,527 --> 00:13:04,154
and send them
to an orphanage.
343
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:06,244
No, not the minute
they're...
344
00:13:06,316 --> 00:13:07,818
That very minute, Lana!
345
00:13:07,899 --> 00:13:09,401
They don't even
dry them off!
346
00:13:10,148 --> 00:13:11,320
(SOBBING)
347
00:13:11,648 --> 00:13:15,494
So if I were you, I'd run out that
door while I still had a chance.
348
00:13:15,563 --> 00:13:16,985
But Archer, I...
349
00:13:17,395 --> 00:13:19,238
I'd also waste
five precious minutes
350
00:13:19,311 --> 00:13:21,313
of my head start
in the race to freedom
351
00:13:21,394 --> 00:13:25,865
giving that swell guy Archer a
combination good-bye/thank-you blowjob.
352
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:30,766
(LAUGHING)
353
00:13:31,556 --> 00:13:32,557
Asshole.
354
00:13:32,638 --> 00:13:34,015
Yeah, or a rim job.
355
00:13:34,137 --> 00:13:35,980
What do you care? You're never
going to see him again.
356
00:13:36,345 --> 00:13:37,392
I can't.
357
00:13:37,470 --> 00:13:39,518
I know.
I was kidding, stupid.
358
00:13:40,010 --> 00:13:42,513
I mean I can't
leave you, stupid!
359
00:13:42,634 --> 00:13:43,760
(BANGING ON DOOR)
360
00:13:43,841 --> 00:13:45,263
HOLLY: This is the FBI!
361
00:13:45,341 --> 00:13:47,014
Open this door!
362
00:13:47,340 --> 00:13:50,219
Well, not now, stupid.
363
00:13:50,589 --> 00:13:52,762
And so, wait. Where did
we land on that blowjob?
364
00:13:53,754 --> 00:13:55,301
Sorry, rim job.
365
00:13:59,544 --> 00:14:01,842
HOLLY: Do you hear me?
Open this door!
366
00:14:02,543 --> 00:14:07,845
Obstructing a federal agent is
a felony punishable (GROANS)
367
00:14:08,165 --> 00:14:09,963
by up to
20 years imprisonment,
368
00:14:10,081 --> 00:14:13,881
if said obstruction results in
the bodily injury of said agent,
369
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:18,209
which I think may have just happened
to said agent's rotator cuff.
370
00:14:18,743 --> 00:14:19,710
Twenty years?
371
00:14:19,785 --> 00:14:21,207
Lana, look at
all that coke!
372
00:14:21,284 --> 00:14:24,379
Twenty years is just going to be
the Bacos on our prison salad.
373
00:14:24,449 --> 00:14:26,747
Besides, technically, Woodhouse
is the one obstructing.
374
00:14:26,823 --> 00:14:27,870
Archer!
Relax.
375
00:14:27,948 --> 00:14:29,575
They don't send
people that old to prison.
376
00:14:29,656 --> 00:14:32,330
It costs, like, two grand a
day just to keep them alive.
377
00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:33,747
I'm talking about us!
378
00:14:33,820 --> 00:14:34,867
Hmm. I don't know.
379
00:14:34,945 --> 00:14:37,039
100 bucks?
Depends who you ask, Lana.
380
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,579
Liberals say this much,
conservatives say this much...
381
00:14:39,651 --> 00:14:42,120
So, now you're just dicking around?
Yes.
382
00:14:42,192 --> 00:14:44,115
Between the FBI
and a ton of cocaine.
383
00:14:44,191 --> 00:14:45,192
Yes.
384
00:14:45,273 --> 00:14:47,696
So, can I assume
you have a plan?
385
00:14:47,773 --> 00:14:48,774
Yes.
386
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:52,449
I mean, I don't,
but you can...
387
00:14:52,521 --> 00:14:54,273
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
388
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:55,937
(GRUNTS)
389
00:14:56,019 --> 00:14:57,191
I'm coming!
390
00:14:57,268 --> 00:14:58,485
ARCHER: Said Ripley to...
391
00:14:58,559 --> 00:15:00,186
Ow! God damn it, woman!
392
00:15:00,683 --> 00:15:02,731
Come on!
Why are you slowing down?
393
00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:06,983
Need... (PANTING)
Got to... More cocaine.
394
00:15:07,097 --> 00:15:08,690
So, please don't
take this the wrong way,
395
00:15:08,764 --> 00:15:12,234
because I'm loving being your
Esmeralda, but you may have a problem.
396
00:15:12,595 --> 00:15:15,895
And it sounds like the
solution is more cocaine,
397
00:15:15,968 --> 00:15:17,845
so turn left up there.
398
00:15:18,634 --> 00:15:20,136
But why are you leaving?
399
00:15:20,217 --> 00:15:23,187
They can't compel a husband and
wife to testify against each other!
400
00:15:23,299 --> 00:15:26,143
Oh, yeah? They may not
have to compel me. (GASPS)
401
00:15:26,215 --> 00:15:28,434
And what is that
supposed to mean?
402
00:15:28,505 --> 00:15:32,100
Why don't you ask that guy you
never heard of, Len Trexler?
403
00:15:32,378 --> 00:15:33,755
How can I?
I've never heard of him.
404
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,218
You wouldn't know the truth
if it bit you on the ass
405
00:15:36,293 --> 00:15:37,465
and held on,
would you?
406
00:15:38,043 --> 00:15:39,010
Ron, wait!
407
00:15:39,083 --> 00:15:40,084
What?
408
00:15:40,625 --> 00:15:44,425
Well, if you insist on being
an ass, I can't stop you,
409
00:15:44,498 --> 00:15:46,341
but there is
the small matter
410
00:15:46,414 --> 00:15:49,042
of my putting the deed to
my apartment in your name.
411
00:15:49,121 --> 00:15:52,000
(LAUGHS)
It's your loss!
412
00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:53,294
I'll mail you your furs.
413
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,042
(GASPS) Don't you dare!
414
00:15:55,118 --> 00:15:57,621
At the very least, I insist
on a bonded courier!
415
00:15:58,450 --> 00:15:59,542
Ron?
416
00:16:00,074 --> 00:16:02,168
ARCHER:
Ow! Lana, cut it... Ow!
417
00:16:02,948 --> 00:16:03,949
(GRUNTS)
418
00:16:04,281 --> 00:16:06,158
What's this door
made out of, Mithril?
419
00:16:07,446 --> 00:16:13,169
Just once, why can't you take
anything seriously, just once?
420
00:16:13,235 --> 00:16:15,829
I was serious
about that rim job. Ow!
421
00:16:15,901 --> 00:16:17,869
Seriously,
please stop hitting me.
422
00:16:18,525 --> 00:16:19,742
What the...
423
00:16:20,441 --> 00:16:21,488
Oh, thank God!
424
00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:23,112
Cyril? Wait.
How did you...
425
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,692
This house is insane.
426
00:16:24,772 --> 00:16:27,616
And scary and gross, and I'm
pretty sure I smelled a skeleton.
427
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,360
No, you definitely
smelled a skeleton.
428
00:16:29,437 --> 00:16:31,314
Well, this is great!
How?
429
00:16:31,394 --> 00:16:33,021
I inhaled skeleton!
430
00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:35,525
Because now the coke
(PAM GRUNTING)
431
00:16:35,601 --> 00:16:36,818
is getting eaten by Pam!
432
00:16:36,892 --> 00:16:38,189
Quick, make the wall
spin around again!
433
00:16:38,266 --> 00:16:39,688
It just kind of
spun by itself!
434
00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:43,520
Jesus Christ, have you people
never even heard of Scooby Doo?
435
00:16:44,805 --> 00:16:46,057
Oh, come on!
436
00:16:47,054 --> 00:16:48,977
Uh, Pam?
437
00:16:49,137 --> 00:16:50,389
(ROARING)
438
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,354
Ah, crap.
439
00:16:54,593 --> 00:16:55,640
(GROWLING)
440
00:16:57,383 --> 00:16:58,555
(LAUGHING)
441
00:16:59,882 --> 00:17:00,974
(WHIMPERING)
442
00:17:01,881 --> 00:17:03,178
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
443
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,053
That's so freaking unsafe.
444
00:17:05,130 --> 00:17:06,803
Okay, Krieger, Cyril,
get in there,
445
00:17:06,879 --> 00:17:08,051
and we'll spin
you back around.
446
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,801
Archer... Why do I have
to go back in there?
447
00:17:09,878 --> 00:17:10,925
Because I said so!
448
00:17:11,002 --> 00:17:12,299
KRIEGER:
Yeah, plus skeletons?
449
00:17:12,376 --> 00:17:13,844
LANA: Archer?
Got it.
450
00:17:13,917 --> 00:17:15,214
Oh! God damn it!
451
00:17:16,499 --> 00:17:19,093
Godspeed, you meddling kids.
(WOODHOUSE MOANS)
452
00:17:19,166 --> 00:17:23,091
And sir, I'm afraid your breakfast
will be four minutes late.
453
00:17:23,164 --> 00:17:25,292
Yeah, duh,
I already berated you.
454
00:17:25,371 --> 00:17:26,714
Woodhouse,
get away from the door!
455
00:17:28,162 --> 00:17:29,129
God damn it!
456
00:17:29,202 --> 00:17:31,375
Just what do you people think
the letters FBI stand for?
457
00:17:31,452 --> 00:17:34,797
I bought a T-shirt once where it
stood for "Female Body Inspector."
458
00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:36,915
(CHUCKLES) God, is Myrtle
Beach not the best?
459
00:17:36,991 --> 00:17:40,791
Pull a stunt like this again, you'll
never make it back to Myrtle Beach.
460
00:17:40,864 --> 00:17:42,616
I probably wasn't
going to, anyway.
461
00:17:42,697 --> 00:17:44,665
Turns out it's actually
not the best.
462
00:17:44,737 --> 00:17:47,536
And you actually have no
right to search this house.
463
00:17:47,611 --> 00:17:50,114
As you can see, there's
nothing illegal going on.
464
00:17:50,193 --> 00:17:52,616
Maybe not now,
but I know you still have
465
00:17:52,692 --> 00:17:55,491
a lot of international
contacts from your ISIS days.
466
00:17:55,566 --> 00:17:57,785
Mexico, Colombia,
the Orient.
467
00:17:57,857 --> 00:18:00,952
I bet it wouldn't be too hard to
get set up in the drug trade.
468
00:18:01,021 --> 00:18:02,523
Well, you'd be...
(GROANS)
469
00:18:02,604 --> 00:18:04,732
We're not drug dealers,
Agent Holly.
470
00:18:04,854 --> 00:18:08,575
Good, because I'll be
watching you like a hawk
471
00:18:08,644 --> 00:18:10,487
that's been
bred with an eagle.
472
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,531
To produce some sort of
eagle-eyed super-hawk.
473
00:18:14,599 --> 00:18:16,067
With a badge.
474
00:18:20,763 --> 00:18:23,983
So, am I crazy,
or is he super weird?
475
00:18:24,053 --> 00:18:26,852
(GROANS) Well, I'm torn,
Lana, I really am.
476
00:18:26,927 --> 00:18:28,019
I want to say both,
477
00:18:28,094 --> 00:18:30,722
but I also don't want you
to stop my heart again, so...
478
00:18:30,801 --> 00:18:33,600
Who's da widdle baby?
Who's da widdle baby?
479
00:18:33,675 --> 00:18:36,554
Who's da widdle baby? Yes,
he is, widdle, little baby!
480
00:18:37,756 --> 00:18:39,633
CYRIL: Wait. The brain chip
is in there?
481
00:18:39,713 --> 00:18:41,010
I told you it was small.
482
00:18:41,088 --> 00:18:43,432
Said Ripley to the...
No, doesn't work there.
483
00:18:43,504 --> 00:18:44,505
Yeah, it's crap.
484
00:18:44,586 --> 00:18:48,181
Okay, I actually only have
one brain chip, so...
485
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:49,595
Who's our lucky winner?
486
00:18:49,668 --> 00:18:52,797
Hmm. I guess we have to decide
if we want regular lame Cheryl
487
00:18:52,874 --> 00:18:55,002
and a Pam who's not going to
overdose on cocaine and die,
488
00:18:55,082 --> 00:18:59,679
or potentially famous country singer
Cheryl and a Pam who... Tits.
489
00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:01,252
Flip a coin?
490
00:19:01,954 --> 00:19:03,001
No.
491
00:19:03,869 --> 00:19:06,839
And, yeah, he's a weirdo, but
I think Agent Holly's right.
492
00:19:06,910 --> 00:19:09,333
We do have a lot of
international connections.
493
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:12,788
So, I'm thinking I should take
a trip down old Mexico way,
494
00:19:12,865 --> 00:19:16,210
maybe Colombia,
or even Southeast Asia, or...
495
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,869
Hey, where's Ron?
496
00:19:17,947 --> 00:19:18,994
Never heard of him.
497
00:19:19,321 --> 00:19:21,824
Lana, let it go. Jesus.
498
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:26,829
But maybe we should try to sell
out to an international cartel.
499
00:19:28,068 --> 00:19:29,411
But let me be clear.
500
00:19:29,484 --> 00:19:31,077
You won't be
gallivanting around
501
00:19:31,149 --> 00:19:32,366
under the pretense
of work
502
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,784
just to visit the
fleshpots of the world.
503
00:19:34,856 --> 00:19:36,779
This isn't ISIS.
No, I...
504
00:19:36,855 --> 00:19:39,608
And it definitely
isn't your semester abroad.
505
00:19:39,687 --> 00:19:41,280
What? Come on, that's...
506
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:43,072
Hey, I don't think we need
to go into all the...
507
00:19:43,144 --> 00:19:45,238
Cobra whiskey and lady boys.
I mean...
508
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:46,357
Ha!
509
00:19:46,434 --> 00:19:48,107
Shut up.
You shut up!
510
00:19:48,184 --> 00:19:51,688
And Krieger? I trust the brain
chip implant was a success?
511
00:19:51,766 --> 00:19:54,940
I think. I mean, it's in
there and she's alive.
512
00:19:55,014 --> 00:19:57,984
Now we just have to wait to see if
there are any adverse side effects.
513
00:19:58,970 --> 00:19:59,971
(YAWNING)
514
00:20:01,844 --> 00:20:03,391
Uh... Cheryl?
515
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:05,062
Nah, Cheryl's gone.
516
00:20:05,134 --> 00:20:06,477
I'm Cherlene now.
517
00:20:06,550 --> 00:20:08,427
And if somebody
don't fry me
518
00:20:08,509 --> 00:20:10,887
six goddamn eggs
and some Carolina fries,
519
00:20:10,965 --> 00:20:13,809
I would personally be
shocked, shocked, I tell you,
520
00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:16,179
if by morning this place
ain't burned to the ground.
521
00:20:17,546 --> 00:20:18,763
(YAWNING)
522
00:20:24,085 --> 00:20:28,340
And I'm not a doctor, but, I mean,
I'm definitely a doctor, so.
523
00:20:28,458 --> 00:20:31,758
No, I think we're good.
Yup. yup, yup.
524
00:20:37,458 --> 00:20:47,546
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)
525
00:20:47,596 --> 00:20:52,146
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