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1
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,338
ARCHER:
Ugh. Oh, God. Ugh.
2
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:08,675
No, forget the glass, Woodhouse,
just give me the pitcher.
3
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:11,761
For I am a sinner
in the hands of an angry God.
4
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:15,223
Bloody Mary, full of vodka,
blessed are you among cocktails.
5
00:00:15,391 --> 00:00:20,603
Pray for me now and at the hour of my death,
which I hope is soon. Amen.
6
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:24,774
Uh, perhaps a coddled egg?
7
00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:27,819
No. No eggs, Woodhouse.
8
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:30,530
Maybe ever again.
Some dry toast?
9
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,241
Yeah, or you could skip a step
and feed me some vomit.
10
00:00:33,409 --> 00:00:35,785
Not like you to get a hangover, sir.
11
00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:39,580
I don't know what happened. I mean,
I kind of remember being at the wake.
12
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:40,832
[WOMAN CRYING]
13
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:43,126
Oh, you poor dear.
14
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:48,423
On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents, please
let me be the first to offer my condolences.
15
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:53,261
And let me be the first
to welcome you back into the dating pool.
16
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,470
[BELCHES]
17
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,639
And/or my new hot tub.
18
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,725
But after that, it's just snippets.
19
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,935
I think I had one more drink there.
20
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:02,562
ALL:
Drink, drink, drink!
21
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,814
ARCHER:
Then I think I took a cab.
22
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:08,651
Hang on, wait! Let me see some hands!
23
00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:11,571
Who wants chicken and waffles?
24
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:14,198
How did we bring food in here?
25
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:16,909
Oh. And also, did we lose some people?
26
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,995
Lana and Cyril bailed.
27
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:20,705
Trifling bitches.
28
00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:24,000
Here. Unless you're a trifling bitch too.
29
00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,710
Oh. Oh!
30
00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:27,795
What did I just put inside me?
31
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:31,132
Green Russians.
It's absinthe and milk.
32
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,677
Sweet shitsnacks, look at those!
33
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:37,847
ARCHER:
Oh, my God! That's right!
34
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:41,017
It's somewhat coming back to me.
35
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:44,937
Whoo! I'm Pacman Jones!
Come home with me.
36
00:01:45,189 --> 00:01:48,191
Plus, my valet will give you some heroin.
37
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,777
Thankfully, I didn't have to share.
38
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,653
But she did, she came home with me.
39
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:56,616
I remember. I mean, Green Russians,
it's fuzzy. I don't remember this.
40
00:01:56,784 --> 00:02:00,161
But I do remember her being
the best sex I've ever had in my life.
41
00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:01,370
Uh...
Shut up.
42
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:04,832
And that includes Europe, Lana,
my Brazilian au pair.
43
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,044
No woman has ever made me... Oh, shit!
44
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,046
Sir?
Phone number! Matchbook!
45
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:13,758
I don't know her name, where she works.
Woodhouse, how am I gonna find her?
46
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:16,886
Um, mm. You might check the loo.
47
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,514
What, here? Why didn't you say so?
Ow.
48
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:21,641
Ow!
49
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,727
Ow, ow, ow.
50
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:28,272
Uh, so... Hey, hi.
51
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,902
I'm, uh, Sterling Archer.
You may remember me from the strip club...
52
00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:36,531
...and hopefully also from what was
hands down the most incredible sex...
53
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,574
...that I personally have ever had.
54
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:40,535
Uh, hello?
55
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:46,499
Oh, right, so, uh, I know, uh, we had an
implied oral agreement about heroin, but...
56
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:50,878
Heroin! That's the last fricking thing I need.
57
00:02:51,046 --> 00:02:52,088
[GRUNTS]
58
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:54,423
I'm bound up tighter than dick's hatband.
59
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,593
No, no, no, not... Wait, were you?
60
00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:01,389
Did... Did we?
Yeah, we did. And you loved it!
61
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,058
No, I'm sorry, I can't...
62
00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:06,769
[GRUNTS AND FARTS]
63
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,723
Okay, jeez, I get it!
64
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:47,393
Well, you say that, but I worry that
you think I'm exaggerating when I say...
65
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:51,063
That I was the best sex you ever had?
No.
66
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:54,984
That if anybody ever finds out about it,
I will literally...
67
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,862
Pam, look at me. I will literally murder you.
68
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,406
Not literally.
Yes, literally.
69
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,409
You will wake up
in three separate 50-gallon drums.
70
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,870
That's 150 gallons...
71
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:09,999
...of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney...
72
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,960
Oh, God!
Come at me, bro!
73
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:17,673
[SINGING] How you gonna keep 'em
Down on the farm
74
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,635
After they seen Pam-ee?
75
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,011
Yeah, how are you gonna...
76
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:26,349
I mean, my God, you can't.
That was just...
77
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,642
MALORY:
Disgusting!
78
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,936
And I hoped I would never have to say this...
79
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,897
...but you finally topped
your 10th grade sports banquet.
80
00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:37,109
I... Okay, first of all,
Mrs. Coach Mumford came on to me.
81
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,654
And second of all...
What are we talking about?
82
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,073
Hitting on your dead colleague's widow...
83
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,659
...at his own wake!
Oh, that.
84
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,161
Okay, so...
So help me God, Sterling...
85
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:50,498
...sometimes I think that
I've failed as a mother.
86
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,333
Sometimes?
Oh, shut up.
87
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,877
And the last thing you need
is another drink.
88
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:58,339
Ugh. Seriously, how can you be drinking
after last night?
89
00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,800
How can you not?
Because I don't have a problem.
90
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,009
[SIGHS]
91
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,469
Well, I do.
92
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,721
First step's admitting it, Mother.
93
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,807
Not with drinking!
BOTH: Uh...
94
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:13,562
My problem, besides your snide remarks,
is Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB.
95
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,523
And also possibly Archer's father.
96
00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:17,316
What?
How do you know about that?
97
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:20,903
Because I'm part of everybody.
Damn that blabbermouthing Pam!
98
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,822
Why, what did she say?
99
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:26,826
Besides the stuff about Jakov,
which obviously is what you meant, so...
100
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,329
So Nikolai has been dropping hints
that he may want to defect.
101
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,706
What?
That's awesome.
102
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,416
I think you mean "awful."
103
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:37,712
Uh, ISIS getting an inside look
at every single KGB operation in the world?
104
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:38,921
And that's awful how?
105
00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,757
Because he thinks
he's going to move in with me!
106
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:47,013
Me, who happens to be in a relationship
with Burt Reynolds, in case you've forgotten?
107
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,307
I actually did forget that.
Yeah, I never see you together.
108
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,393
Are you like dating, or?
It's...
109
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:53,602
...complicated.
110
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:56,230
What with our work schedules and...
111
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:59,734
...work, it's hard to find time
for actual dates.
112
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,944
But you do see one another?
113
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,780
Well, yes, of course, but...
But never in public, right?
114
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:07,700
Only at your place, or maybe a hotel, or...
115
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,161
Or on the dirty floor in the elevator?
116
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,787
What? Pam!
117
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:16,375
Get your bloated carcass...
Out! I got it, I'm on this, I got it!
118
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,419
How did she know about the elevator?
119
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:22,298
I... Ew.
Burt made sure I erased the security tape.
120
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:23,632
[GASPS]
121
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,677
You don't think Burt's ashamed
to be seen with me?
122
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,430
Lana?
I'm sorry?
123
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:33,017
Well, I'm sorry, but if anybody ever found out,
I would die of shame.
124
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,853
Well, how do you think that makes me feel?
125
00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:37,897
I don't care, Pam.
126
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:42,151
Having said that, would you please come
in this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?
127
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,820
Oh, all right.
128
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:48,824
But this time, get in there.
All you've been doing is giving one side hell.
129
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,702
Well, when you put it like that,
it sounds kind of shitty.
130
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:55,664
Thirty years of my life I give to the KGB...
131
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:59,460
...and now you,
this traitorous cyborg...
132
00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:01,295
...are sitting at my desk?
133
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:02,838
How would you put it?
Heh, heh.
134
00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:05,382
Yeah, you really got cornholed, huh?
135
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,178
Wait, don't answer yet,
because I'm also reassigning you to Siberia.
136
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:10,513
Siberia?
137
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,432
Well, Barry can't have you
moping around here, you know...
138
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,934
...sowing the discontent.
139
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,477
Is bad for morale.
140
00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:18,145
Et tu, Brute?
141
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:19,730
Et me, buddy.
Ah!
142
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:22,483
So here's my advice to you:
Dress in layers.
143
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:26,862
And don't even think about
doing anything crazy like defecting.
144
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:30,157
I would never defect! I love mother Russia!
145
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:33,702
Even when you're chopping through the ice
in the toilet so you can poop?
146
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,204
I'm kidding, obviously.
147
00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:38,374
I mean, you're gonna be like
600 miles from a toilet.
148
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:41,836
Sorry, had to go to the bathroom.
Nothing unusual, just, uh, you know...
149
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,505
...normal bodily waste excretion.
150
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:47,216
If you're quite finished...
Damn near.
151
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:50,553
Then go home, sober up,
and make sure your apartment is secure.
152
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,055
Um, why? To all three of those.
153
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:57,351
Because if and when Nikolai shows up here,
he's not staying at my place.
154
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:58,978
Well, he's not staying with me.
155
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,729
Then go prep the safe house.
156
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:04,692
Because you can bet every KGB agent
and freelance assassin...
157
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:08,237
...this side of Berlin
will be hunting him down like a dog.
158
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,197
Who hunts dogs?
159
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,992
CHERYL:
Orientals! Duh.
160
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:20,416
So when you say you assume Jakov
got on that train to Siberia...
161
00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,751
...you know what you're doing?
I make you ass.
162
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,795
And Barry doesn't like!
163
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,591
Being made an ass, he really doesn't.
164
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,427
And as you can...
Well, it's over there now...
165
00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:35,097
...but the telex from the Siberia desk
says Jakov never showed up.
166
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,684
Now, why do you think that might be?
Um...
167
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,269
Thank you, Boris.
168
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,605
I won't forget this!
169
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,816
I promised myself I don't cry.
170
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,318
Promise broken.
171
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:49,945
Hey, what was that?
172
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:53,574
Allergies.
To what, making sure people get on trains?
173
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:54,992
[CHUCKLES]
174
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,286
Aw, nice one, other Barry.
175
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,872
Now Jakov's got a 12-hour head start...
176
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:05,127
...and the details of every single KGB operation
on the globe in his fat, combed-over head.
177
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,963
Ah. And you have no idea where he went.
178
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,842
Well, I assume he's in New York
with those shit-bitching-ass-bastard Archers.
179
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,427
But...
I can assume!
180
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,346
You're already an ass.
181
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:19,475
Contact our sleeper in New York
and then cancel all my meetings this week...
182
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,894
...because I will also be in New York.
183
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,646
Murdering people.
184
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,357
Uh, don't take this the wrong way...
185
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:29,318
...but I pictured you having nicer apartment.
186
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:32,613
MALORY: Ha-ha-ha!
Why that is funny?
187
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:36,492
Hmm? Oh, no, sorry.
There's a funny "Marmaduke" on the fridge.
188
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:41,080
A what?
This is actually, ahem, the ISIS safe house.
189
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,998
Cheers!
Safe house?
190
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:46,502
But Malory, I assumed...
Which you shouldn't have.
191
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:50,381
What, you thought you'd just show up
out of the blue and we'd move in together?
192
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,007
Pretty much, yeah.
193
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,300
[GROANS]
194
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:55,344
Nikolai, it's not that I don't...
195
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:59,640
Am not very fond of you.
I mean, we have such history together, and...
196
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,558
And maybe a son.
197
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,227
Mm...
198
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:07,147
Maybe. But...
But, so, where is he?
199
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:08,524
LANA:
Good question.
200
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,859
He was supposed to prep this dump.
And didn't.
201
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:13,237
And now he's supposed to be here
for guard duty.
202
00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:14,822
And isn't.
Uh...
203
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:17,866
Hi. Lana Kane. You must be Major Jakov,
such a pleasure.
204
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,619
Be a lamb and take those to the kitchen.
205
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,080
So I think I speak for all of us when I say...
206
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:26,292
...we shouldn't be the only ones guarding
your maybe-baby-daddy.
207
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,419
I can't believe you all know about that.
208
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,964
JAKOV:
Wow, ha, ha, that is big dog!
209
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,717
Marmaduke.
And regardless of any personal ties...
210
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:38,971
...I may have with Nikolai, he's an invaluable
asset and we have to protect him.
211
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,391
I mean, you know,
at least until he's been debriefed.
212
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,560
And then? What, he's on his own?
213
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,563
Ahem.
Wow.
214
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,733
I'm serious,
you are literally draining the life out of me.
215
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:55,362
Come on, you make me sound like
some kind of chupacabra, but for dicks.
216
00:10:55,530 --> 00:11:00,242
Heh. A terrifying yet accurate comparison.
Where'd you learn all that stuff?
217
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,953
You know I grew up on a farm, right?
218
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,456
Really hoping that's not relevant.
219
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:08,417
Ms. Kane and your mother.
Hooray.
220
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,878
Okay, I gotta bounce. Later, taters!
221
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:13,797
Lana, listen, if this is a booty call,
I'm flattered, but...
222
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:15,090
LANA:
Oh, my God.
223
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:16,884
MALORY:
You're supposed to be guarding Nikolai!
224
00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:20,929
Yeah, so, uh, about that, I mean,
don't you think that's gonna be kind of...
225
00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:22,514
[BACK CRACKS AND JAKOV SOBS]
226
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,976
...um, awkward?
I actually think it's kind of sweet.
227
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,770
ARCHER: Uh, little help?
No, you're good.
228
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:31,815
The camera's set up for debriefing
and one of us will relieve you in eight hours.
229
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:33,484
Wait, where are you guys going?
230
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:34,860
Uh, a town called work.
231
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,614
Neutralizing a KGB sleeper in Brooklyn,
thanks to this intel from the major.
232
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,949
It was least I could do.
233
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,659
Since otherwise he'd kill you?
234
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,913
Is win-win.
Is it?
235
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:51,418
So...
Yeah?
236
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,962
Sterling.
Yeah?
237
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,589
Is long time.
238
00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,383
Yeah, when was, uh?
239
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,552
Oh, I guess when I was
in the dreaded Lubyanka...
240
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,680
...with jumper cables clamped to my balls!
241
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:08,936
So, da, this is a little awkward.
242
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,187
Yeah.
243
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,523
Maybe some shots?
Yeah, let's try that.
244
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,150
LANA:
Any time now.
245
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,362
Cyril. Cyril!
246
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:19,988
[COUGHING]
247
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,908
Lana, I, uh...
I don't think I'm cut out for this.
248
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:26,328
Well, don't take this the wrong way,
but neither does anyone else.
249
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,122
Just pretend he's like a rabid dog.
250
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,165
Oh, God, just like Old Yeller.
251
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:33,210
Yeah, if Old Yeller had a big stack
of KGB codebooks...
252
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:36,338
...and fif...
Forty thousand bucks in a floor safe.
253
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:40,008
And was also identified as a sleeper agent
by the head of the KGB.
254
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,510
Who, Barry?
LANA: What?
255
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,512
White? You guys like smooth R&B?
256
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,764
Duh.
Are you telling me Barry...
257
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:50,144
..."The Bionic Douche Bag" Dillon
is running the KGB?
258
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,603
Only if I can defect too.
259
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,356
Because that dude is out of his damn mind.
260
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,025
I'm listening.
He's crazy!
261
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,528
I mean, he's smart,
way smarter than Jakov, but...
262
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:02,489
Oh, and you can bet Jakov's intel is bad.
263
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:04,491
Really? This isn't your kneecap?
264
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:05,701
Don't you get it?
265
00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:08,620
Barry gave me up
so you'd trust Jakov on the rest.
266
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:13,041
He knew Jakov wanted to defect, so...
So he's been feeding him fake intel?
267
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:14,251
I mean, I assume.
268
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,128
Because Barry's got a master plan...
269
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,631
...which when you hear it,
will probably make your head explo...
270
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,216
LANA: Jesus!
GILLETTE: Jesus!
271
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,219
LANA: Ahem, Cyril?
I'm sorry.
272
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,555
Yes. Yes, you are.
273
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,683
JAKOV:
Is I who am sorry.
274
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:32,186
I should have been there for you.
275
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:37,733
Shut up, don't do that. I mean,
what were you gonna do, marry my mother?
276
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,234
Have you met her? Ow!
277
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:43,030
Don't you ever disrespect her.
278
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,240
You're not my dad!
279
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:48,911
[BOTH LAUGHING]
280
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:53,207
How would you know?
I know, right?
281
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:57,252
But I have to say, you don't look like me.
282
00:13:57,420 --> 00:14:00,631
And don't take this the wrong way,
but thank Christ!
283
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,257
Ha, ha... Ow!
284
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,051
Watch it, you dumb idiot!
285
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:05,594
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
286
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:08,555
Here, let me get you... Oh, my God, Cheryl!
287
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:12,309
Barry?
Wow, I was hoping I'd bump into you.
288
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:15,771
Wait, really?
And darn if I didn't, literally.
289
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:19,107
You... Wait a minute,
why am I thinking you live in, like, Russia?
290
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,109
Maybe the tracksuit?
291
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,071
Duh. Right. Which by the way,
you are totally rocking.
292
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,281
Oh, that's just my huge muscles.
293
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,408
Oh, ha, ha.
294
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:31,411
So tell me, how strong are you?
295
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,580
Insanely. Wanna get out of here?
296
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:37,793
Oh, my God, totally, but it has to be your place
because mine reeks of ocelot piss.
297
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:40,837
I have no response to that.
Doesn't merit one.
298
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:44,967
And my place is currently flooding, so...
Hotel.
299
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:48,178
Damn, no money. Tracksuit, no pockets.
300
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:51,306
Damn it!
I know, it's the one single drawback.
301
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:54,268
Wait, doesn't ISIS have a safe house?
302
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:57,312
Yeah, but you have to promise
that all that horrific stuff...
303
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,148
...I think I remember about you
is just false memories.
304
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,192
I...
Because I get those a lot.
305
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,903
Cross the microchip in my heart.
306
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:08,448
And don't get all girly on me. Check!
307
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,287
MALORY:
Hold the door! Hold the door!
308
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:14,788
Heading out?
309
00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:18,292
No, I thought I'd just take all my things
for a ride on the elevator.
310
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,003
Okay.
I actually have a date.
311
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,421
With Burt Reynolds. We're watching Gator.
312
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,672
[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
313
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,465
PAM:
Your place?
314
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,260
Well, if we go out, you know,
he's just mobbed, so...
315
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:32,389
So it's a DVD, a box of wine,
some Hot Pockets, and off to bed.
316
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:35,434
No! Well, it's not a box of wine.
317
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,854
Pam, let me ask you something.
318
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:41,607
How can you just leave me here?
319
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,152
ARCHER [OVER PHONE]: Mainly because
I have an incredibly addictive personality.
320
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,322
So just debrief yourself with the camera,
and when I get back...
321
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:52,409
...we'll talk about the DNA test thing
if, you know, you're still into doing that.
322
00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:55,037
Of course I am still into that.
323
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:58,498
But in meantime, you think I will be safe?
324
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,375
God, what's Russian for "duh"?
325
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,170
It's a safe house.
Nobody knows where it is.
326
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,547
CHERYL: Well, here it is.
BARRY: Neat.
327
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:10,052
Can I see your neck a minute?
Oh, Barry.
328
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:13,430
Barry? Barry. Barry.
329
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:14,723
[CHERYL GRUNTS]
330
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,225
Barry!
331
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:21,229
My point is, if you're confident
in yourself as a woman...
332
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,607
...who cares if he wants
to keep it on the D. L?
333
00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:26,652
Well, yes, but...
But nothing!
334
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,237
Because who's to say
you're not using him for sex?
335
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,948
Pam, don't take this the wrong way...
336
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:35,410
...but you're not nearly as stupid as you look.
Okay.
337
00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,412
[LINE RINGING]
338
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:40,582
Archer, don't talk, just listen.
ARCHER: Why, what's up? What do...
339
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:44,961
Jakov's intel is bad and Barry's got some sort
of master plan that we're clueless about...
340
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:47,798
...thanks to Cyril.
Who has apologized profusely...
341
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,425
Quiet game!
We're gonna regroup at the safe house...
342
00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,761
...and try to figure out...
343
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,137
Goddamn it.
What?
344
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:56,098
Wait for it.
345
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:57,849
[ARCHER LAUGHING ON RECORDING]
346
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,184
ARCHER:
Leave it!
347
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,769
[VOICEMAIL BEEPS]
348
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:02,646
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
349
00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:05,399
Da, da, keep your shirt on.
350
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,442
Barry doesn't wear a shirt.
351
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:12,030
Ruins Barry's whole tracksuit vibe.
352
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:15,325
I swear to God,
if he put as much effort into his job...
353
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:18,078
...as he does into those idiot voicemails...
354
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,789
And you say you got this from a KGB sleeper?
355
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,583
LANA: Right before Cyril blew his head off.
What?
356
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:28,922
You son of bitch,
you actually think you'll get away with this?
357
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,298
[LAUGHING]
358
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:33,343
Obviously. Why else would I do it?
359
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,138
Who knows with you? You're crazy.
360
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:37,472
Am I?!
361
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,101
Ha, ha.
I mean, between Archer ruining my life...
362
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:45,021
...and you dicks turning me into a cyborg,
I'm kind of amazed I'm even this sane.
363
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,650
Which is obviously a relative term, but...
Uh, what are you doing?
364
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:50,026
Rationalizing my behavior.
365
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,778
With gas.
Oh.
366
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,156
Oh, killing you.
Oh.
367
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:56,825
Ha, ha. Oh, Marmaduke.
368
00:17:56,993 --> 00:18:00,203
Ah. And gas is not so bad way to die.
369
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,080
Well, again, relative term.
370
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:07,961
And afterward, if Sterling want,
he can still get some DNA from my body...
371
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,505
...and find out if I am his real father.
372
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:14,176
Which I'm sure would provide him
with some much-needed closure...
373
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,344
...which is why it's not gonna happen.
374
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,472
Uh, why, what is that?
375
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:22,392
This, glad you asked,
is a block of ice with a fork frozen in it.
376
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,852
What are you doing with it?
377
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:28,857
I am putting this fork-filled block of ice
in this microwave oven.
378
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:33,862
Now I'm setting the timer for five...
Oh, heck, let's call it 10 minutes.
379
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,239
Doesn't matter, ice can't tell time.
380
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:39,576
It can only melt.
And when it does...
381
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:44,206
Spark from fork, gas from stove...
Boom.
382
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:47,751
And no DNA left for papa test.
Nope.
383
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,711
Just uncertainty and doubt.
384
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:53,215
Which hopefully, over time,
will eventually drive Archer insane.
385
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:57,844
And this, this is your master plan?
Huh? Heh.
386
00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,388
Oh, no, no. No, this is a whole other
awesome thing.
387
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,308
This is just a goof. Later, tater.
388
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:10,565
Sterling, if by some miracle,
this video tape survives the explosion...
389
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:13,819
...there is something very important
I want you to know.
390
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,571
First thing is, your shitter's clogged.
391
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,365
Don't care, can't feel my legs.
392
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:22,744
Second thing is, if you want me
to keep doing you dirty on the down-low...
393
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:25,080
Yes, yes, yes.
394
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:28,208
Then we are gonna have some ground rules.
To wit!
395
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,085
Barry? Was here?
396
00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,880
Yeah, but she says he took off after he...
Here, you tell her.
397
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:38,593
So Barry brought me here...
How did he know where "here" was?
398
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:39,803
[COUGHING]
399
00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:43,682
No idea, but then he strangled me,
which at first was hot.
400
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:48,603
He is, like, super strong, but then I was,
like, floating toward this really bright light...
401
00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:51,231
...and some guy with a beard.
Jesus Christ!
402
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:54,401
Or Richie Havens.
Nikolai!
403
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,862
JAKOV:
And so, Sterling...
404
00:19:57,154 --> 00:20:02,784
...remember, things are not always
what they appear.
405
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:06,371
[PHONE RINGS]
406
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:09,165
Hello? Hello?
407
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,626
Oh, for... Mother, this isn't voicemail.
408
00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:14,296
[OVER PHONE]
Mother, come on.
409
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:18,800
The time is exactly 7:16,
and I wish they were...
410
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:22,262
...but even my voicemail pranks
aren't that elaborate.
411
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,180
Mother!
Sterling?
412
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:25,724
Leave it. Just kidding.
413
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,475
Sterling, it's me.
414
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,312
Duh. Where are you? What's all that?
415
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:33,523
Uh-huh.
416
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:36,443
Okay. Yeah.
417
00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:40,280
What's up?
That was, uh... My, uh...
418
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:44,701
The man who might've been my father...
419
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:46,828
...just died.
420
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:48,455
Awkward.
421
00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:54,169
And it's all my fault because
instead of doing my job, I was here...
422
00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:57,589
...half-drunk and having amazing sex.
423
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,175
Well, I wouldn't say amazing.
424
00:21:00,343 --> 00:21:04,012
What? Come on, you were pushing rope!
425
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:30,789
[English - US - PSDH]
426
00:21:30,839 --> 00:21:35,389
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