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1
00:00:02,252 --> 00:00:03,836
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]
2
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:07,006
MAN: Let me go!
You have no jurisdiction over me!
3
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,301
I'm a Canadian citizen!
Yeah, and we're taking you to Canada, so...
4
00:00:10,469 --> 00:00:13,596
Help! Help! Extraordinary rendition!
Extraordinary rendition!
5
00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:15,765
Ah. Light him up, newbie.
6
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,935
Sorry in advance. Heh-heh.
Ow!
7
00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:22,772
That hurts, like, insanely bad.
That's why I said sorry in advance.
8
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:25,858
And you have to stop yelling
"extraordinary rendition."
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,568
A, nobody cares. And B...
10
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:30,238
Be careful! You big lummox!
11
00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:32,865
I swear to God, if you scuff my bags...
12
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,744
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it, ma'am.
And I can do without the sarcasm.
13
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:40,289
Oh, no, ma'am, that wasn't...
Enough with the backchat!
14
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,500
Oh, Lana, maybe you can talk to him.
Um...
15
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:47,255
So this is the infamous Kenny Bilcoe?
You don't look like much of a terrorist.
16
00:00:47,423 --> 00:00:51,050
That's because I'm a freedom fighter
for a free and sovereign Nova Scotia.
17
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,970
Is that why you blew up a doughnut shop?
Allegedly.
18
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:56,848
If you believe Canada's illegitimate,
so-called government.
19
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,307
I'm pretty sure we do.
20
00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:00,977
Which is why we're taking
you back to Ottawa.
21
00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:06,065
And once we do, hopefully the Mounties
will start sending us all kinds of lucrative work.
22
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:07,275
How noble.
23
00:01:07,443 --> 00:01:11,154
Speaking of work, can I put what
I assume is your rock collection on the train?
24
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,322
Yes... Nope.
25
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:14,949
Nice try, Pam.
PAM: What?
26
00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:17,493
You want to get on that train
so you can stow away...
27
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,245
...just like on the blimp.
The what?
28
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,914
Okay, no biggie. Have a nice trip.
29
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,709
Uh... Wait a minute.
What now?
30
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:27,003
Too easy. Pam is up to something.
31
00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:28,713
CONDUCTOR:
Board.
32
00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:32,133
Well, I doubt she'll make it on now.
Heh. Ditto for Archer.
33
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,342
He's not here?
34
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,470
Hmm...
35
00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:37,847
Nope.
Need to get these bags on, ma'am.
36
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:41,058
I heard him, George.
What? Malory, don't call him that.
37
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:42,810
My name actually is George.
38
00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:44,020
Really?
39
00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:46,022
Damn it, I told Sterling 6:00.
40
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:48,649
I thought you meant 6 a.m.
41
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:52,445
No, 6... Sterling, are you drunk?
Winner!
42
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:53,654
Nice.
Archer.
43
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:56,908
You knew we were transporting
a dangerous terrorist to Canada.
44
00:01:57,075 --> 00:02:00,369
So how and why are you drunk at 6:00?
45
00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:04,957
Well, the "how" is pretty self-explanatory,
and the "why" is because...
46
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,377
...I thought we were leaving
at 6 a.m. Tomorrow.
47
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:11,964
Ergo, Latin, plenty of time to sleep it off.
Ugh.
48
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,301
Drink some coffee, because there's a chance
Bilcoe's terrorist pals...
49
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,719
Alleged terrorist pals.
50
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:19,722
- Are going to attack the train
and try to bust him loose.
51
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:21,307
Awesome.
Right?
52
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,726
I'm sorry, but how is that awesome?
53
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:25,812
Because, pretty much my whole life...
54
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,898
...I've wanted to fight guys on the roof
of a speeding train.
55
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:31,692
Well, if I know my boys,
you may just get your wish, big guy.
56
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:35,154
Ooh, thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing.
57
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,531
Who is this?
58
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:37,740
Ugh.
Come on, Archer.
59
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,701
Please tell me he's a renowned
chicken-and-waffle chef...
60
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:44,247
...because I am starving.
61
00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:22,368
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
62
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,954
BILCOE:
So, listen, you look like a pretty smart guy.
63
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:26,831
Well, thanks, I like to think so.
64
00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:30,167
So why don't you do yourself
a pretty-smart-guy favor and just let me go?
65
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,295
Um, because Ms. Archer would kill me?
66
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:35,089
What do you think will happen
when my boys storm this train?
67
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,716
I'm not too worried about that.
68
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,634
You should be. My boys are badass.
69
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:43,472
Well, so am... Lana. And I'm learning.
Oh, and don't forget about Archer.
70
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,309
The drunk guy?
He may have seemed drunk, but he's...
71
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:47,476
LANA:
Still drinking?
72
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:49,770
Relax, Lana, it's just a Bloody Mary.
73
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:53,482
And by the way, not a great one,
Mr. Vodka And Ketchup.
74
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,651
Archer, at any time in the next 12 hours...
75
00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:58,988
...this train could be attacked
by radical Nova Scotian separatists.
76
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:03,200
Armed with what, pamphlets about
Canada's responsible gun-control laws?
77
00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:06,954
Ugh. New Scotland Front has guns
and they're not afraid to use them, so...
78
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:09,707
So okay. God, I'll switch to coffee.
79
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:12,335
Hey, Heinz 56, can I get an Irish coffee?
No.
80
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:13,836
Lana, I have to taper off.
81
00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:17,006
Trust me, if these Nova Scojens
are a real threat...
82
00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,050
...you do not want me hungover.
83
00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,469
Do you even still get hangovers?
84
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:25,306
Normally, no, but I drank about two gallons
of mamajuana this afternoon.
85
00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:28,726
I was, uh, playing dominoes
with a Dominican bike gang.
86
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,686
Or was it mah-jongg? I don't remember.
87
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,188
MALORY:
Ridiculous.
88
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:36,692
This thing's a sardine can.
How are people supposed to travel like this?
89
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,361
Most people bring less luggage.
90
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:43,449
Most people fly. So your days
of sullen superiority are numbered.
91
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,618
I have no response to that.
92
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,537
They never do.
Now let's go find a bigger compartment.
93
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:50,623
I'm afraid there aren't any.
Nonsense.
94
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:54,543
I'm sure there's one here somewhere.
Why are all these locked?
95
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,254
They're occupied.
So if you don't mind...
96
00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,883
What I mind is your familiar tone,
young man.
97
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:03,135
What's through here?
Those are private cars.
98
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:04,637
What do you mean "private"?
99
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:08,140
I mean they're not...
Not for you to be knocking on.
100
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,101
Now I have to insist that you...
101
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:13,062
Get your panties untwisted. Damn.
102
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:14,730
I knew it.
103
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:19,485
I want this train stopped immediately
and this stowaway forcibly disembarked.
104
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,487
Afraid I can't do that, ma'am.
105
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,073
You can and you will,
or I'll have your job.
106
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,825
CHERYL:
No, she won't, George.
107
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,910
Carol? What are you doing here?
108
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:30,538
Uh, trying to perform my ablutions?
109
00:05:30,706 --> 00:05:32,623
But...
This is Miss Tunt's private car.
110
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:35,167
How do you have a private train car?
111
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,336
Uh, because she owns the railroad?
112
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,589
Well, half. I knew you wouldn't let us go
on this trip to Canada...
113
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:44,010
...so I had my cars hooked up.
Cars? Plural?
114
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:47,930
CHERYL: Uh, this car, two sleeping cars,
a private dining car...
115
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:51,350
...and, oh, one that's just
a teeny, tiny, like, skating rink.
116
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,395
Uh, two sleeping cars?
117
00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:57,356
Do you think there might be room for...?
GILLETTE: Nope.
118
00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:01,110
It's already cramped back there,
what with that piss-reeking ocelot.
119
00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:03,446
[GROWLING]
120
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,949
Plus, George says you stiffed him.
What?
121
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,660
No, I didn't. I gave him a tip.
A stick of gum?
122
00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:10,870
Well?
Really?
123
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:13,164
Did you not have a button?
Button it, missy.
124
00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,750
ARCHER: Holy shit.
"We don't know the meaning of 'private.'
125
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:18,961
Let's all pile in."
Lana, check it out. Actual gas lamps.
126
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:20,463
Amazing, Archer, yes.
127
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,174
So you think we can go guard
the prisoner now, or what?
128
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:24,425
[OCELOT YOWLING]
129
00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:26,343
Is that Babou?
130
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,388
Or not, apparently. Okay.
CYRIL: Wow.
131
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,723
ARCHER: Lana!
Cyril.
132
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:31,932
Jesus.
ARCHER: Lana!
133
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,142
Cyril.
Pam.
134
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:34,435
ARCHER: Lana!
What?
135
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:35,895
ARCHER:
He remembers me!
136
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,482
Cyril, why are you in here?
I didn't know where you guys were.
137
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:42,735
It doesn't matter where we are,
Newb Gingrich.
138
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,153
Then get out!
139
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:46,614
Where's the prisoner?
In my compartment.
140
00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,492
At least he was.
141
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,994
Although, he doesn't seem
to be in here now. Heh-heh.
142
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,872
No kidding.
Um...
143
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,333
Nope.
ARCHER: Lana, Cyril. Oh, my God.
144
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:59,668
Too late, he's gone. Thanks to Cyril.
145
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:02,421
He's not gonna jump off a train
going 80 miles an hour.
146
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,424
So, yeah, we'll sweep car by car,
moving from front to back.
147
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,344
Good, you guys do that.
I'll get a big raw steak from the kitchen.
148
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:11,722
Ah. Are you talking about the ocelot?
Are you not?
149
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:14,850
I'm talking about the prisoner.
Oh. Well, maybe they're together.
150
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,144
Although, I doubt it.
Babou is kind of a loner...
151
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,896
...like Paul Newman in Hud...
152
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:23,275
...if Paul Newman had constantly
sprayed piss all over, uh...
153
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,402
What was her, uh? Oh, man.
154
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:28,030
Uh... What was her name?
155
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,615
Patricia Neal.
156
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,242
Who I hate.
157
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,706
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
158
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,375
LANA:
Sorry for the intrusion, folks.
159
00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:43,295
There's nothing to worry about,
just some standard, uh, train security.
160
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,632
Okay, that's all the regular cars.
161
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,052
Now we get to search all the sleeper cars,
thanks to your incompetence.
162
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,012
Well, you left me unsupervised.
163
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,807
So this is my fault?
Um, fifty-fifty.
164
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,434
Fifty-fifty you accidentally shoot
somebody, Newb.
165
00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,229
Come on. It'll take us all night
to search this train.
166
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:04,150
Well, but with Archer helping...
I wouldn't exactly call it "helping."
167
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,986
ARCHER:
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
168
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,237
Kitty?
169
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:12,116
MAN 1: Ahem.
Uh, excuse me, is there an ocelot in there?
170
00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:13,576
MAN 1:
Uh, no.
171
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:17,621
No, no, what are you doing?
Besides making a mess all over my train.
172
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,915
I'm looking for a terrorist and an ocelot.
173
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,042
What?
Not necessarily in that order.
174
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,420
Okay, that's it, we're stopping.
175
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:27,256
Frank, this is George. We've gotta...
Give me that.
176
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,925
Keep the train at top speed
so they can't get off.
177
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,803
So tell him to keep it floored.
I will do no such thing.
178
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:36,098
All right, then, um, hold this.
Why are you giving me a...? Oh, my.
179
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:38,434
Sorry, but I'm not letting a terrorist escape.
180
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,853
And obviously an ocelot wouldn't survive...
181
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:45,107
...in the frozen wasteland
of upstate New York, so...
182
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:49,570
Sorry, Frank. Miss Tunt says she wants
to beat the record run to Ottawa.
183
00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:52,907
MAN 2 [OVER RADIO]:
Oh, those crazy Tunts. Okay, hang on.
184
00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:54,909
[GRUNTING]
185
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,119
Jesus. Boys, hang on a sec.
186
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:04,710
Boys, make sure you bring the heavy stuff.
These crazy ISIS bastards aren't playing.
187
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,629
They just killed a black guy.
188
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:09,465
I know, right? Welcome to America.
189
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:10,966
How is that racist?
190
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:12,968
Ah. Never mind. Look...
191
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:16,639
I treat all servants exactly the same,
regardless of their race.
192
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,891
Hang on, I hear freedom ringing.
193
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,560
At worst, I'm an elitist, but not racist.
194
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:25,940
Whatever. Cyril and I searched the front half
of the train but we didn't see Bilcoe, so...
195
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,651
I bet it's hard to see anything from
that high horse.
196
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:32,238
So unless Archer found Bilcoe
in the back half of the train...
197
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,447
ARCHER:
Which, no, he didn't.
198
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,990
Jeezy Petes.
LANA: Archer.
199
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,450
MALORY: Is that blood?
What?
200
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,035
Oh, yeah, but it's from a cow.
201
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,663
You shot a cow?
202
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,458
Bilcoe's not in the back half,
so you must've missed him.
203
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,336
Which, no, we didn't.
Which, yes, obviously, you did.
204
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,255
Or you did.
Or you did.
205
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,632
There's no way he got off,
we're going too fast.
206
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,342
CHERYL:
Oh, my God, we totally are. Oh!
207
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,678
We might beat the record run.
208
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:59,640
You probably don't understand
because you don't own a railroad...
209
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,225
...but it's a pretty huge deal.
210
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:03,060
To whom, railroad owners?
211
00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:05,938
Yeah. We're a pretty competitive bunch.
212
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,565
No, Pam. No means no, now stop it.
213
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,651
What's the matter, you chicken?
214
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,778
No, I'm in a wheelchair. Ow!
215
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,989
[PAM IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING]
216
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:17,533
Ow! Goddamn it, Pam, I don't wanna race.
217
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,160
Couple skate?
218
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:22,371
I can't believe you have a skating-rink car.
219
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:25,541
Yeah, apparently my great-grandpa
was nuts for skating.
220
00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:27,960
That and the Klan.
I...
221
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,380
Let's try this again.
Car by car, this time, back to front.
222
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:35,342
Good, because Miss Stingy here
won't let me eat in her private dining car.
223
00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:37,428
Oh, my God, we've been over that.
224
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:40,889
So when you pass the dining car,
have a porter bring me a Cobb salad.
225
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:44,226
Before or after we locate
the dangerous terrorist?
226
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:45,769
Before.
227
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:49,064
ARCHER:
Sorry, folks, uh, go back to sleep.
228
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:54,236
Uh, yeah, just disregard the gun-toting spies
and the blood smeared everywhere.
229
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:57,072
Oh, keep an eye out for paw prints.
Where, in the blood?
230
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,992
Yeah. I assume at some point
he'll come out to, like, lick it.
231
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,871
Oh, come on, we've only searched two cars,
we've got a shitload to go.
232
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:07,875
Um, speaking of that,
I need to, uh, make use of the facilities here.
233
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:11,086
Fine, but catch up, okay?
And pay attention.
234
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:15,090
Yeah, they look just like prints from a house cat
only bigger and awesomer.
235
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:16,759
Go.
236
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:19,928
BILCOE:
Hey, welcome to the bathroom.
237
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,764
CYRIL:
Well, thank you. What are you...?
238
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,223
[PUNCHING AND THUDDING]
239
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:25,309
I could tell you never played much hockey,
huh?
240
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:27,269
Probably too busy running around
shooting black guys.
241
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:28,771
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
242
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,230
What's the word, boys?
243
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,775
Fantastic. They'll never see that coming.
244
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,234
I'll see you at the border.
245
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:38,405
Archer, we don't have time for this.
It'll take like two seconds. God.
246
00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:41,533
Okay, so a Cobb salad and, um...
247
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,787
I am not taking that woman a salad,
Cobb or otherwise.
248
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,331
Trust me, you don't want to see
my mother with low blood sug...
249
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:48,624
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
250
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,626
Wait, why are we slowing down?
251
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,378
We're at the border.
Of?
252
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,631
GEORGE: Um, this new place called Canada.
ARCHER: So?
253
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:58,550
So Customs, Passport Control,
Immigration?
254
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,804
You know, the border?
Yeah, but, heh, with America.
255
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,391
They still guard the border.
Lana, we're going into Canada.
256
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,810
Can you please explain to him...?
Don't do that.
257
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:12,314
Okay, already knowing your answer,
I'm going to ask, "Don't do what?"
258
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,775
Make this a weird racial thing.
259
00:12:14,943 --> 00:12:16,318
I knew and yet I asked.
260
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,363
What? I don't wanna be ganged up on.
George, back me up here.
261
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:20,989
I'm gonna back way up...
262
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:24,868
...and not be here when the Mounties
catch you crazy people with all those guns.
263
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,703
Oh, shit.
What? They're Canadian.
264
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,123
They don't even know what a gun...
Oh, shit.
265
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,125
He said, realizing that...
266
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:35,838
The perfect disguise for terrorists who wanna
board a train to bust loose another terrorist?
267
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:37,172
Oh, shit. The...
268
00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,675
Royal Canadian Mounted Police, folks.
269
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:42,594
Have your passports and declarations forms
out and ready.
270
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:43,887
Ready?
Yeah.
271
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,515
But what if they're, like,
actual real Mounties?
272
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,226
Not to belabor the point,
but they'd still be Canadian.
273
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,353
I.e., I doubt we're in real danger.
274
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:53,021
Okay, here goes.
275
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:55,357
Freeze! Hands up. Get them up.
276
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,692
What is this?
277
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:59,153
I swear, if any of you
Canadian fruitcakes move...
278
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,447
...I will shoot that hat
right off your head.
279
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:02,698
That's not okay.
280
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:05,033
Get them up, Dudley Douche-Bags!
281
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:08,620
Maintain the right.
Whoa. Dude, we're serious, we'll shoot...
282
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,539
[ARCHER SCREAMS]
283
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:14,501
Goddamn it, Archer.
What, Lana?
284
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:18,505
You are so stupid,
thinking terrorists would be disguised as...
285
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,883
Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
286
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,343
Stand down, boys. We're Mounties.
287
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,887
Piss off. We're Mounties.
288
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:28,348
Great, good, we're all Mounties.
So no need for a Mexican standoff, eh?
289
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,476
[IN CANADIAN ACCENT]
Oh, yeah, how's about you co-opt...
290
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,270
...some more American stuff there,
eh, Canada?
291
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,355
Stuff like "Mexican standoff"?
292
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,524
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, look, the race card.
What...?
293
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:41,028
Let's all just put down the guns, boys.
Come on, we're not Americans.
294
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:42,362
[OCELOT GROWLS]
295
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,823
Unvaccinated animal. Put him down, boys.
No! Serpentine, Babou!
296
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,074
[URINE SPRAYS]
297
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,993
Jeez, he sprayed me. That reeks.
298
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,870
Did he get away?
Yeah.
299
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:53,081
He ran out past us.
Good. Then screw this.
300
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:56,418
Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.
Okay.
301
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,420
It's not, though.
302
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,428
[LANA & ARCHER COUGHING]
303
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,096
[ALARMS WAILING]
304
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,724
ARCHER:
Whoo! Holy...
305
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,601
Shit snacks. What was that?
306
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:16,438
Probably my stomach growling.
I am literally starving to death.
307
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:22,819
I don't care. We are gonna beat that record,
so put this stupid train in train gear and jam it.
308
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,113
Ugh! I'm surrounded by mediocrity.
309
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,448
LANA:
In what way?
310
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:28,784
In what possible way did that work?
311
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:31,787
Well, um, A, they're all incapacitated.
312
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,456
And B, I got to blow up a train.
313
00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:36,375
Well, thanks, Gomez.
Nice.
314
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:40,212
But that doesn't help us find Bilcoe.
He's right there, stupid.
315
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,797
Jesus, boys, what happened?
316
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:44,216
I happened. Drop it, Bilcoe.
317
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,093
You drop it, you racist bastard.
318
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:47,803
ARCHER:
Unh! Ow!
319
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:50,138
Wait, how am I a racist?
320
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,682
Really?
Shut up and...
321
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:53,725
Come on and shut up.
322
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:57,312
Wait, we don't know which Mounties
are the real ones. What do we do?
323
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,897
[SIGHS]
324
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,277
Archer.
I'm kidding. Jesus, Lana.
325
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:04,778
Hey, good guys and bad guys.
326
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:09,366
All of you just got a pretty huge pass,
so don't make me regret it later. Deal?
327
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:10,951
[CHERYL SCREAMS]
328
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:14,121
Come on.
I'm taking that as a tacit agreement!
329
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:18,625
LANA: Cyril, what the hell are you doing?
I'm being blind. Oh, my God, Lana, I'm blind.
330
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:20,460
LANA: Sweater.
Huh?
331
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:22,838
Oh.
ARCHER: When will you not suck at this?
332
00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,591
When you don't suck at... Shut up.
333
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,759
Be careful with that thing.
Oh, my God.
334
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,137
Shoot me. It's better than starving to death.
335
00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:33,682
Everybody, shut up! And then somebody
get over here to be my hostage.
336
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,686
Oh, for... Way to man up, Ray.
337
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,646
What...? I'm in a wheelchair.
338
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:42,691
Yeah, no offense, but we're gonna be
running around and stuff?
339
00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:44,318
Uh, no, you're not.
340
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,694
Uh, yeah, I am.
341
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,071
[SCREAMING]
342
00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,032
Everybody okay?
343
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,366
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
344
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,660
Paralyzed, but other than that, fine, yeah.
345
00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:55,662
Okay, then, Lana, you guard them...
346
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:56,997
Okay, what's the plan?
347
00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:00,626
...and Cyril, you keep sliding down
the learning curve like the Banana Splits.
348
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,835
What are you gonna do?
349
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:03,045
[FOOTSTEPS ON ROOF]
350
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:05,547
I am going to fulfill my lifelong dream.
351
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:08,050
Meeting Mr. Green Jeans?
352
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,385
Snap out of it, boys.
ARCHER: Bilcoe!
353
00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:12,554
I could really use some help on the roof.
354
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:15,682
Oh, my God, this is going be awe...
355
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:17,225
Shit!
356
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:22,898
Ow! The dust. It's like being shot
in the eyes by a glitter gun.
357
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,234
There, that ought to do it.
Okay, let's try that aga...
358
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,612
Aw, shit!
359
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,990
Retinas! Seared like tuna steaks.
360
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:36,495
All I want is to fight on the top of a train.
Is that too much to ask?
361
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:39,998
The good news is now I'm furious.
362
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,084
So rethinking this, huh?
363
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:46,505
On top of the train, you're still, like,
on the train, plus you got all... Oh, shit.
364
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,757
Plus you got all that.
365
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,175
ARCHER:
Oh, shit.
366
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,303
Why...
367
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:56,848
...do people do this?
You're still just on the train.
368
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,768
I know, right?
Although, sometimes there's a helicopter.
369
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,603
Do you have a helicopter?
370
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:03,939
Hmm, nope, just a gun.
371
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:05,440
It's empty, dickhead.
372
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,567
Yeah, nice try, super-dickhead.
373
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,111
[GUN CLICKING]
374
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:12,114
What the...?
You fired eight rounds, ultra-dickhead.
375
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,658
Am I the only person
who ever keeps track of that?
376
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,076
Ow!
377
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:18,286
Wow, and I thought I was mad before.
378
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,456
Why, did you see some black lady
sitting in the front of a bus?
379
00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:25,252
What is your deal with calling me a racist?
Well, A, you're American.
380
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:28,046
That's... Oh, shit! ...racist.
381
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:29,464
Jingoist. Whatever.
382
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,633
And B, you murdered the porter.
383
00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,260
No, I didn't.
You shot him.
384
00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:36,304
There was blood everywhere.
That was from a steak, you idiot.
385
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:39,558
I was trying to catch an ocelot.
In Canada?
386
00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:42,769
And I'm the idiot?
Hold it right there, boys.
387
00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:45,147
Royal Canadian Mounted Police!
388
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:46,857
Damn it, which are the real ones?
389
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:49,651
That's for me to know and you to find out.
I'm gonna find out in five...
390
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,153
[OCELOT GROWLS]
391
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,821
Babou!
Look, it's the piss cat.
392
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:55,198
MOUNTIE: He's corpuscular. Get him, boys.
No!
393
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,703
Babou, serpentine!
394
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,955
CYRIL:
Yeah, so...
395
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:04,833
So, yeah, put that in your little
secret-agent notebook...
396
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:07,627
...along with
"don't leave prisoners unsupervised."
397
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:10,839
There's absolutely no reason
to ever get on top of a moving train.
398
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,133
Okay, wait, what if there's a helicopter?
399
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:16,511
Ooh, yeah, or a dragon.
Ooh, yeah, or some sarcasm.
400
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,347
Ooh, yeah, or hang on.
What? Aah!
401
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:22,976
[SCREAMING]
402
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,353
[GRUNTING]
403
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:26,855
ARCHER:
Babou!
404
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,690
That's right, buddy, I got...
405
00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:31,902
Aah, ow! Babou, no! Ow!
406
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:35,822
Babou, stop! Ow, ow! Ow!
407
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,992
Aw, come on, I wouldn't say
it was a complete failure.
408
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:43,121
Oh, really? And what parts of this mission
would you call a success?
409
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,498
CHERYL:
Well, let's see.
410
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,876
Maybe the part where my non-record-breaking
train is totally shit-housed.
411
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,670
Oh. Not as shit-housed as my spleen.
412
00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:54,841
Ooh. Or maybe the part where the Mounties
will never hire ISIS again.
413
00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:57,135
What's it matter?
We're all banned from Canada.
414
00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,388
Au revoir, sweet man-whores of Montreal.
415
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,808
Ugh! Lana, you were saying?
416
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,101
Uh, well, we did help with a major arrest.
417
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:06,937
Kenny Bilcoe, you're under arrest...
418
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,732
...for violation of sections 1 through 9
of the Canadian Terrorism Act, buddy.
419
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:13,193
Sorry to cut into your doughnut supply,
boys.
420
00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:15,487
Long live free Nova Scotia!
421
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,489
Oh, wait, make that five.
422
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:21,493
Same goes for you bastards,
plus impersonating an RCMP constable.
423
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,537
That's not fair. You're doing it.
Yeah.
424
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,121
Good one. Take that.
Heh.
425
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:27,374
Oh, wait, I guess make that six.
426
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,751
And besides attempted murder
on a black guy...
427
00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:34,089
...you're under arrest for violating
the Exotic Fish and Wildlife Importation Act.
428
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:36,174
Yeah, whatever, Dudley Douche-Bag.
429
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:40,470
Plus, you already used that one.
Hey, it was good enough to merit seconds.
430
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:43,306
You hear that? They called you "exotic."
431
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:45,392
Which is just people talk for awesome...
432
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:49,145
...which is what you are, which is why
I was happy to save your life, buddy.
433
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,564
[GROWLS]
434
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:53,108
Oh, don't worry, probably just
thousands of dollars in fines.
435
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,277
Maybe a little jail time.
Hopefully, just probation.
436
00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,028
[URINE SPRAYS]
437
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,780
[OCELOT GROWLING]
438
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,365
Totally worth it.
439
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,700
[GROWLS]
440
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,619
No, Babou. That was all sarcasm.
441
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,205
[GROWLS]
442
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:10,834
Yes, all of it! You fox-eared asshole!
443
00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:48,163
[English - US - PSDH]
444
00:20:48,213 --> 00:20:52,763
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