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1
00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:05,630
ARCHER:
Come on, Cyril, beat it. Get out of here.
2
00:00:05,798 --> 00:00:08,299
This meeting is for field agents only.
3
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,134
Which brings me to item one.
4
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:14,681
We don't have enough field agents
to effectively run our covert operations...
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:17,975
...especially since this one went
and got himself paralyzed.
6
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:19,852
Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish.
7
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,729
MALORY:
More like "Ms."
8
00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:24,982
Anyway, effective immediately,
I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.
9
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:27,068
ALL: What?
That sounds great. Best of luck.
10
00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,403
Where are you going?
11
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:31,906
Sorry, I gotta get back to Earth
before the Stargate closes.
12
00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:33,116
Get back in here.
13
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,867
Mother, the chevrons are locking.
14
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:39,664
And Cyril is utterly, laughably
unqualified to be a field agent.
15
00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:41,791
Some offense.
Uh, some taken.
16
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,335
None of you were qualified
when you first started.
17
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:46,754
And you've already given Cyril
some training.
18
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:49,048
Which ended with a dead hooker
in my trunk.
19
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,259
No, it didn't.
It easily could have.
20
00:00:51,427 --> 00:00:52,677
Malory,
you can't just...
21
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:58,099
End of discussion. And since
this meeting is for field agents only...
22
00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,892
You're taking me out of the field?
23
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:03,312
Well, unless we need someone
to go undercover as a shopping cart.
24
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,981
[SIGHS]
25
00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:06,733
[ARCHER CHUCKLES]
26
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:11,404
This is Rom?n Calzado,
the notorious Colombian drug lord.
27
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,699
And hopefully an infusion
of much-needed capital.
28
00:01:14,867 --> 00:01:16,409
Since when are we
bounty hunters?
29
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:20,413
Since the DEA's budget was gutted by
all those federal spending cutbacks.
30
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,082
Which is ridiculous,
given the current economy.
31
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,835
The most efficient way
to decrease the budget deficit...
32
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,588
...is to increase tax revenue, through, um...
33
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,674
Cyril, don't make me
regret this decision.
34
00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:33,885
Sorry.
And if you were in my tax bracket...
35
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:36,512
...you wouldn't be spouting that
socialist propaganda.
36
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,640
Or wearing such shitty clothes.
Or doing such shitty missions.
37
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:42,935
What are you talking about?
The reward is a million dollars!
38
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,439
Exactly, and how many drug users
could be treated with that money?
39
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,024
Who cares?
Seriously?
40
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:51,152
They'd just go buy a million
dollars' worth of crack with it.
41
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,697
You don't give them the money.
You can't. They'll blow it on crack.
42
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,240
Oh, my God.
No, they won't...
43
00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:58,576
...because it'll be
in the ISIS bank account.
44
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,871
Because you're going to get Calzado,
dead or alive.
45
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:05,249
Cyril, dress appropriately.
You'll be helicoptering into the jungle.
46
00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:09,086
Cool.
Oh, and this whole thing reminds me.
47
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,254
[INTERCOM BEEPS]
48
00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:14,801
Pam, 9 a.m. Friday morning,
all ISIS employees will take a drug test.
49
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:16,969
PAM [ON SPEAKER]:
Okay.
50
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,055
[COUGHING]
51
00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:22,350
MALORY:
And knock off that damn beatboxing!
52
00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:23,726
Transform.
53
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:24,894
Ugh.
54
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,396
Last week it was freestyling.
55
00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:05,309
ARCHER:
Yes, this LZ, you dumbass.
56
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:10,898
Where we are right now, in 24 hours.
And you better be here!
57
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:13,484
What a dick.
58
00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,279
Well, he's probably
just under a lot of stress...
59
00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:20,199
...since he's our only way out
of this stupid jungle, dumbass.
60
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,952
CYRIL: Seriously.
Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.
61
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,079
Ms. Archer said dress
for the tropics.
62
00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,248
Um, tropics or Busch Gardens?
63
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,833
Hey, you know what?
Yes.
64
00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:32,044
Uh, Heckle, Jeckle, between us
and Calzado's fortified compound...
65
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:36,591
...there's about 10 klicks ofjungle that I just
assume is one giant booby-trap showroom.
66
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:40,803
So shut your dickholes, get your gear,
shut up again, and start walking.
67
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,221
Any questions?
68
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,141
Cyril.
69
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,310
What's a "klick"?
Ugh.
70
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:50,271
You say that all the time. I never
know what you're talking about.
71
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:53,816
I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort.
CHERYL: Nuh-uh!
72
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:57,361
Swear to God, first thing Friday
morning, we all gotta pee in a cup.
73
00:03:57,529 --> 00:03:59,363
Which I can't even do, y'all.
74
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,658
Cleaning out my freezer last week,
I found a big bag of skank.
75
00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,994
I guess I brought it back
from Jamaica, but...
76
00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,871
But it's just a pot test, right?
77
00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,206
No, stupid. All drugs.
78
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:10,416
Oh, shit.
79
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,335
I call them groovy bears.
80
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:14,670
How about you, Ironside?
You rolling dirty?
81
00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:15,963
Um...
82
00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:19,050
[TECHNO MUSIC BLARING
AND WHISTLE BLOWING]
83
00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,510
Possibly.
Well, then we're all screwed.
84
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,180
Talking about the drug test, huh?
Duh.
85
00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:29,810
Well, what if I told you I had a way
to beat any drug test in the world?
86
00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:32,021
Are you telling us that?
87
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,023
Yes.
Well? What is it?
88
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:37,276
I call it Krieger-Kleanse.
It's an herbal tea, all-natural...
89
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:41,781
...and it's guaranteed to rid your body
of all traces of any illicit substance.
90
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,408
Well, here. Give me, give me, give it!
Ah, ah, ah.
91
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:49,205
I literally... Figuratively scoured the globe
for these special herbs...
92
00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:51,666
...at no small expense to myself.
93
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,251
Ugh! How much?
Hundred bucks each.
94
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,379
Oh, come on!
That's more than the drugs!
95
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:59,882
Or you can save your money
and try your luck in the current job market.
96
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:03,886
Non-sequential bills,
please.
97
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,097
ARCHER:
Well, then why not just say "kilometer"?
98
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,724
Because shut up.
Oh, jungle zing.
99
00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:12,228
So it says here that Calzado isn't even
the head of the whole operation.
100
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,397
Cyril.
He's actually just a distributor...
101
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,233
...for somebody named "La Sombra."
La sombra. The Shade?
102
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:20,653
Cyril.
No, I bet in this context, the "Shadow."
103
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,364
Cyril!
Ooh! Hey, what's your problem?
104
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:26,867
My problem is I don't want a thousand
steel balls to shred my genitals.
105
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,412
Huh?
Claymore mine full of steel balls...
106
00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,707
...that fly 1000 meters,
or one klick, a second...
107
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,418
...right at dick level.
Jeezy Petes.
108
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,546
Or ass level, which in your case
would also take off your head.
109
00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:42,591
So quit reading and pay attention.
But there's a lot of useful stuff in here.
110
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:46,929
Organizational charts, inventory
and cash-flow analyses, spreadsheets.
111
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,890
Of what, possible outcomes
with a 20-sided die?
112
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:51,851
You don't need a spreadsheet
for that.
113
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:55,146
And you don't need one to know
you'll suck at being a field agent.
114
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:56,731
So why do you wanna be one?
115
00:05:56,898 --> 00:06:00,776
Oh. I don't know, I just wanna feel like
I'm a part of the team, you know?
116
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:03,654
I guess I wanna feel like I matter more.
117
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:07,283
Wow, not afraid to dump out
your purse in the jungle, huh?
118
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:09,577
Okay, Cyril, then lesson 1A:
119
00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:14,165
In a potentially hostile environment like this,
the key is total situational awareness.
120
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,667
Okay.
You look, you listen, you smell...
121
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:18,586
...and you remember to check your 6.
122
00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:21,839
My six what? Is that my gun?
The old six-shooter?
123
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:24,800
Oh, my God. O'clock, Cyril.
It means behind you.
124
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,595
Because the last thing you want is...
Lana, hold up a sec.
125
00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:30,222
Ah. Archer, we don't have...
126
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,558
Cyril?
Yeah, that's why I said hold up.
127
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,018
Archer!
Don't yell at me.
128
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:36,520
I looked away for literally one second.
129
00:06:36,688 --> 00:06:40,649
Well, where the hell did he go?
I don't know, it's like he just...
130
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,902
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
131
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,236
[SIGHS]
132
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,988
You're looking for Predator, aren't you?
133
00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:50,785
Yes.
Oh. Couple things. A, he's invisible.
134
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,912
Not totally. He has a telltale shimmer.
135
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,998
Ow!
And B, lower your freaking voice.
136
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,625
[MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
137
00:06:57,793 --> 00:06:59,251
[WHISPERING]
Is that Cyril?
138
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,795
Mm, no, it's not whimpery enough.
139
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,088
[GUNSHOT]
140
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,340
[WHISPERING]
Cyril. Cyril.
141
00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:07,551
Oh. Goddamn it.
Well, look on the bright side.
142
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,428
Which is?
143
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,931
Which is what?
What's the bright side?
144
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,892
Oh. It's a figure of speech.
145
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:22,983
All I'm saying is there's a million green
rectangle-y reasons to complete the mission...
146
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,568
...and zero reasons not to.
147
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:27,321
You mean besides Cyril getting captured?
Besides that.
148
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:30,741
And if Calzado's men got Cyril,
we'll rescue him when we get Calzado.
149
00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:32,493
Problemo solved-o.
150
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,662
What if it was FARC? Or the ELN?
151
00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:37,706
We'll use some of the million-dollar
reward to pay his ransom.
152
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,959
So shut up, Cyril's gonna be fine.
153
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,710
[ANIMAL ROARING]
154
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:44,880
Unless a tiger ate him.
Tigers don't live in South America.
155
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:48,259
Well, at least one does, because
I just heard its spine-tingling roar.
156
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:49,718
That was a jaguar, dumbass.
157
00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:54,890
Thanks, Marlin Perkins.
I think I know a tiger when I hear one!
158
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:56,475
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
159
00:07:56,643 --> 00:08:00,646
Every time. Your big, fat mouth
gets us caught every time.
160
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,440
Not every time.
Like a third of the time.
161
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,900
[ANIMAL ROARS]
162
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,903
And 1000 bucks that's a tiger, Lana.
163
00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:09,238
[SNIFFS THEN GAGS]
164
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:12,908
If this doesn't work,
we just paid a hundred bucks for liquid fart.
165
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,661
Yeah, well,
here's shit in your eye.
166
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,037
[ALL COUGH]
167
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:20,040
Oh, God, it tastes worse
than it smells.
168
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:24,336
Man, if I had a nickel for every time
I heard a guy say that...
169
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,213
...I'd have eight nickels.
170
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,341
LANA:
Archer, I swear to God, if you don't shut up...
171
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,720
I'm just saying, if it comes down to that...
And I hope it doesn't.
172
00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:34,763
- There's no sense
in us both getting raped.
173
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:36,015
[YELLS IN SPANISH]
174
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,600
[MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
175
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:40,436
Our special guests
must not be injured in any way.
176
00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,605
Uh, does that include
rape-related injury?
177
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:46,192
Of course. No one is going to
rape you. What is wrong with you?
178
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,195
We're scared. We're just tourists.
Our car broke down, so...
179
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:53,365
So the assault weapons and plastic
explosives, why do you have these?
180
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:57,244
Okay, yes, let me explain.
Busted. We're arms dealers.
181
00:08:57,412 --> 00:09:00,372
No, heh-heh, I think not.
182
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:04,627
I think you are hunting Rom?n Calzado
in the hopes of a million-dollar reward.
183
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:09,465
Okay, yes, busted again, but I think now
we're kind of rethinking that, so...
184
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:13,469
So if I give you 2 million, will you go away
and say you never found me?
185
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,846
I... Oh, my God, totally, yes!
186
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:19,308
Then we give Mother a million
and you and I split the other million.
187
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,894
Uh, Calzado,
you've got yourself a deal.
188
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,438
Excellent.
But of course I was joking.
189
00:09:24,606 --> 00:09:26,899
But...
Obviously, I cannot allow you to live.
190
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,150
No! Yes, you can.
191
00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,944
Or choose not to, whatever.
192
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:33,489
Besides, throwing money away like that
would displease El Contador.
193
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:37,117
El contador? Doesn't that mean...?
CYRIL: The accountant, s?.
194
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,203
ARCHER:
Cyril? Oof! Unh!
195
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,996
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
196
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,998
No, he said, uh, "cereal."
197
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,292
[CHUCKLING AND SPEAKING
IN SPANISH]
198
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,047
And people in hell want ice water.
199
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,715
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
200
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,138
[CALZADO & CYRIL SPEAK IN SPANISH]
201
00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:01,475
[VOMITING]
202
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:06,814
Oh, my God! I'm gonna die in a toilet stall,
just like the gypsy said.
203
00:10:06,982 --> 00:10:10,192
Damn that Krieger. Nazi-clone bastard.
Ah.
204
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,611
Well, we don't know it was the the...
Aah!
205
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:14,446
Who the hell are you?!
206
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,574
I'm your friend, Pam, I'm... Pam?
207
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,619
You're not my friend. You're a Decepticon.
CHERYL: Aah!
208
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,205
How are you both still alive?!
209
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:28,669
The floor is lava! The floor is lava!
210
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:32,172
Clinical trial 13. Subjects' responses
are exceeding expectations.
211
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,549
[CHERYL SCREAMING]
212
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,260
Pam, you're melting! You're melting!
213
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:39,263
Because the floor is lava!
214
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:43,434
Must kill Decepticon!
215
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:46,562
Oh, which reminds me: Call Terry.
216
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,188
[ARCHER CHUCKLES]
217
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,732
ARCHER:
The tiger says...
218
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,567
[ROARS]
219
00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:54,528
The tiger also says
you owe me $1000, so...
220
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,739
No, I don't, because I didn't bet.
221
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,866
Bloop! The welsher says...
CYRIL: Psst!
222
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:00,409
No, that's a snake.
223
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:02,828
Oh, boy, am I glad
to see you guys.
224
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,914
Cyril, what the hell is going on?
Are you a drug dealer now?
225
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:09,084
What? No. You guys aren't gonna
believe what happened.
226
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:13,964
I had, um, gastric distress, or whatever,
so I was just gonna duck off the trail.
227
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,258
You remember to check your 6.
My six what?
228
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,093
CYRIL:
Before I knew what was happening...
229
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,095
[YELLING]
230
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:25,559
Unh! Oh, man, right in my new pants.
231
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,102
[MAN & CYRIL SPEAK IN SPANISH]
232
00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,605
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
233
00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:33,817
And I only had a second to answer,
so I thought, "What would Lana do?"
234
00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:37,237
Um, not Archer?
No, I had to outsmart them.
235
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:40,657
He said, suddenly too big
for his shit-caked britches.
236
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,077
Archer.
And then it came to me.
237
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,621
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
238
00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:52,336
What's a "La Sombra"?
239
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,838
Calzado's boss.
Don't you remember the dossier?
240
00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:57,383
No.
Yes. But what about the gunshot?
241
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,260
[ENGINE BACKFIRES]
242
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,846
CYRIL: Then they brought me here.
I bluffed my way through the rest.
243
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,848
La Sombra did not say you were coming.
244
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:08,435
[IN COLOMBIAN ACCENT] I assume he did not
want to give you the time to cook your books.
245
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,354
Oh, I... I swear I don't do that.
246
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,272
Well, then you are a fool.
247
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,359
You pay La Sombra 64 cents
on every dollar you make, no?
248
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:16,944
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
249
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:21,824
I can get that down to 30 cents,
and he will never even know.
250
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,325
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
251
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,369
You just leave that to me, amigo.
252
00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:27,538
Wait, what's in this for you?
253
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,832
[LAUGHS]
254
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,209
We split the difference, of course.
255
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:36,839
But first I need some clean clothes.
This is not mud all over my pants.
256
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,257
It's caca.
257
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,843
Holy shit, Cyril.
Heh. Literally.
258
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,387
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I kind of wish
I'd skipped the diarrhea part.
259
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,722
No, forget that, you did great!
Really?
260
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:49,643
It figuratively kills me to say this, Cyril,
but yeah, you did.
261
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:51,311
So now what?
What's the plan?
262
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,189
Oh. Well, I was hoping you guys
could come up with something.
263
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,650
And ideally before tomorrow at dawn.
264
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:58,527
Why, what's...?
What is going on here?
265
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,988
[IN COLOMBIAN ACCENT]
Ha, ha. Amigo, I was just mocking...
266
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,699
...this giant Negress
and her sissy sidekick.
267
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:07,369
Heh-heh-heh.
Yes, they are ridiculous, no?
268
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:09,913
Are the accommodations to your liking?
Honestly?
269
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:13,500
No. You shouldn't even keep animals
in these conditions. Look at them.
270
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:18,255
Cement floors, steel bars, no room
to run around, nothing to play with...
271
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:21,300
Ah. I think perhaps you are confusing
this with a zoo.
272
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,052
I think maybe it's all
these exotic animals.
273
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,722
Yes, exotic animals for me to hunt.
274
00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,391
You hunt them? How can you do that?
CALZADO: Like this.
275
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,310
[LANA & CYRIL GASP]
276
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,895
Goddamn, dude!
277
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:37,566
But you see, even the majestic Bengal tiger
is too easy to kill. It's boring...
278
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:42,529
...which is why tomorrow, at dawn, I will be
hunting the most dangerous game in the world.
279
00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:43,906
Jai alai?
Us!
280
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,241
What?
S?, so sleep well, amigos.
281
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,619
I want you rested and
strong for tomorrow.
282
00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:50,913
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
283
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,624
[WHISPERS IN NORMAL VOICE]
So yeah, try to think of a plan.
284
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:56,919
Well, go ahead and say it.
Say what?
285
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:59,880
Since we're gonna die in the morning,
we should have sex now.
286
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,132
After seeing a tiger
get murdered, Lana?
287
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:05,260
No offense,
but I'm not really in the mood.
288
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,431
If you want,
I can watch while you masturbate.
289
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:12,392
But I can tell you right now,
my heart won't be in it.
290
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,103
It'll be with that tiger's family.
291
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,565
But go ahead. I mean, start.
292
00:14:22,487 --> 00:14:27,449
And so begins the hunt
for the most dangerous game!
293
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:30,202
So, what are the rules here, exactly?
Ah. Lana, be still.
294
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,870
You get a 30-minute head start.
295
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:36,041
Then El Contador and I, just us alone,
will track you and kill you.
296
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,335
[IN COLOMBIAN ACCENT]
Uh... Oh! Can they split up?
297
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:39,836
Uh, sure, why not.
298
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,964
Then I propose a friendly wager.
299
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:45,634
We each hunt one of them, and the first
to kill his quarry is the winner.
300
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,302
I like this idea, but, uh, which...?
301
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,179
I get the woman. Called it! Boom!
302
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:53,225
Uh... All right, since you called it.
303
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,311
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
304
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:59,356
Okay, let's hunt some humans.
305
00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:00,732
Go, go, go!
306
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:01,942
[LANA GRUNTS]
307
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,486
Are you really that selfish?!
ARCHER: Apparently!
308
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,321
[SNORING SOFTLY]
309
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,699
KRIEGER:
Clinical trial 13, update.
310
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:11,577
As hypothesized,
after mind-shredding hallucinations...
311
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:15,330
...subjects B and C have
lapsed into deep unconsciousness.
312
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:19,001
Subject A, however, remains at large.
313
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:23,297
Begin clinical trial 14.
314
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,674
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Lana? Lana?
315
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,301
Where the heck is sh...?
316
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:28,510
Don't scream, it's me.
317
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:31,138
Oh, thank God.
I thought those were yeti hands.
318
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:34,725
Never gets old. But good idea back there,
getting everybody to split up.
319
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:38,770
Thanks. Yeah, I figured you'd know
to head back to the, uh, LZ thingy...
320
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:42,524
Which we only have an hour to get to, so...
And I figured once I found you...
321
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:45,944
...we'd work together to rescue Archer,
capture Calzado and escape.
322
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:49,114
You know, you don't actually suck at this.
Really?
323
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,743
You're thinking tactically, making quick
decisions, and I gotta tell you...
324
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:55,370
...confidence is pretty damn sexy.
Really?
325
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:56,872
Theoretically.
Sorry.
326
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,584
Okay, you're doing pretty well so far,
so, what's the plan, rookie?
327
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:02,961
And sooner would be better than later.
328
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,714
Calzado is on a three-wheeler.
Can you believe that guy?
329
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,717
Who, the drug lord
who hunts humans for sport?
330
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,844
I know, but that's just lame.
Cyril.
331
00:16:11,012 --> 00:16:13,889
Uh, okay. We have to assume Archer's
heading back to the LZ too...
332
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:17,809
...but he can't possibly outrun Calzado.
Yeah, neither can we, so...
333
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,562
We don't need to outrun him,
just Archer.
334
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,606
What?
Come on.
335
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:27,069
ARCHER:
Ow! Oh, eat a dick, jungle!
336
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:31,239
Cover it with malaria and leeches,
sprinkle some dengue fever on it...
337
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:34,743
...and eat a big goddamn jungly dick!
338
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,286
Yeah, you do that...
339
00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:41,124
...and I'll just wait here for a bask of Orinoco
crocodiles to wander by and eat me.
340
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:42,542
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
341
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,878
Oh, great, that's probably them now...
342
00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:48,924
...tearing around on
specially-equipped croc-choppers.
343
00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:50,384
Wait, what the?
344
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:07,734
Oh. Oh, Goddess of the Jungle,
I take it all back.
345
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:11,279
For when I was thirsty,
you saw fit to slake my...
346
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,198
[SCREAMS]
347
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,449
[SIGHS]
348
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:16,910
Goddess of the Jungle,
you are a whore.
349
00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:18,328
[VEHICLE APPROACHES]
350
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,747
Oh, thank God,
I thought you were crocodiles.
351
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:23,709
Ha, ha. Crocodiles?
On a three-wheeler?
352
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,377
Right? How scary would that be?
353
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:29,131
Probably not as scary as knowing that
I'm going to cut you down from there...
354
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,216
...and then gut you like a fish.
355
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,553
Well, then you're obviously an idiot
when it comes to crocodiles...
356
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,389
...a.k.a. The world's most deadliest predators.
357
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,641
I am the world's deadliest predator.
358
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:41,393
CYRIL:
Or are you?
359
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,145
ARCHER: Cyril?
CALZADO: No breakfast for you.
360
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:47,315
No, that's my name, Calzado.
Cyril Figgis, ISIS agent.
361
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:48,525
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
362
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,068
ISIS?
That's right.
363
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:53,363
And you're under arrest,
albeit extra-judicially.
364
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:54,823
Over my dead body.
365
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:57,325
Well, that can be arranged.
Lana?
366
00:17:58,161 --> 00:17:59,244
Hello.
367
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,579
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
368
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,372
Wait a minute, was I just bait?
369
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,167
That's right, Archer.
All part of my brilliant plan.
370
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:07,836
Lana, get some vines
and tie him up, chop-chop.
371
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,046
"Chop-chop"?
Here we go.
372
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:14,468
Uh, yeah, it means hurry? Come on,
we got a chopper to catch. Tie him up.
373
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,219
You do it.
374
00:18:16,387 --> 00:18:19,598
Okay, I see what you're doing here.
Hands behind your back, Calzado.
375
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:23,351
Make me, cabr?n.
I... Look, she will shoot you.
376
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,771
No, I won't.
No, no, she won't.
377
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,315
Come on, Cyril, go all rogue on him.
378
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:30,442
Guys, come on, this is ridic...
379
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,611
[GRUNTING]
380
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:33,945
I think I'm gonna be...
381
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,697
[COUGHS]
382
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:38,325
Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be sick.
383
00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,285
Here, maybe this will help.
384
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:41,703
[SCREAMS]
385
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,872
My eyes! Ow!
386
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,459
Ooh. Probably shouldn't have done that.
Not enough left to get drunk on.
387
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,711
[CYRIL GRUNTING]
388
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:53,131
And now, bastardo, I kill you!
389
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:57,219
Oh! Lana!
390
00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:58,386
[GUNSHOT]
391
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,972
Aah! What the hell?! Damn guy.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
392
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:04,976
You're welcome, Cyril.
So learn any valuable lessons today?
393
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,020
Yes, I did.
ARCHER: Me too.
394
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,230
[COUGHS]
395
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,315
I learned I don't like being bait.
396
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,401
CYRIL: Ow!
Sorry, Cyril, did that hurt?
397
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:16,571
Cyril.
398
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,449
Cyril!
Yes, it freaking hurt!
399
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:20,742
Yeah, right?
400
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,912
What? Yes, obviously I heard what you said.
401
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:28,583
I just can't believe the head of the DEA
has the balls to say it.
402
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,418
Oh, is that a fact?
403
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,045
Oh, it is.
404
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,381
Hmm. Yep.
405
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,510
So, um, how'd that go?
406
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,762
Oh, fine. He was just explaining to me...
407
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:44,599
...why ISIS won't be receiving
any reward for capturing Calzado.
408
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,518
What?
What are you talking about?
409
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,437
Because apparently
there's no proof that we did.
410
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,940
We literally handed Calzado to them.
411
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:55,986
And in return, did they hand you
a signed receipt for the prisoner?
412
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,445
No, they...
413
00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:58,738
Oh.
Oh, shit.
414
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,907
Mm. So well done.
415
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:05,287
Because that's exactly the brand of
unparalleled professional excellence...
416
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:08,123
...that I've come to expect at ISIS.
PAM: No, no, no!
417
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,292
LANA: What? Pam?
CYRIL: I wish I was still blind.
418
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:13,128
PAM:
You'll never take me alive!
419
00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:14,379
[SIGHS]
420
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:18,049
What was I saying?
Oh, yes, unparalleled...
421
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,301
KRIEGER:
Pam!
422
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,513
For the love of God, seal the exits!
423
00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:26,141
- Professional...
424
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,813
That's our pee, and that's the last
I better hear about it...
425
00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:37,485
...because this stupid building is a tinderbox
and I will burn it to the ground.
426
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,489
- Excellence.
427
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:44,951
Oh, hey, speaking of excellent,
did you hear we met a tiger?
428
00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:49,289
But he got murdered.
429
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:26,534
[English - US - PSDH]
430
00:21:26,584 --> 00:21:31,134
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