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1
00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,767
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,767 --> 00:00:07,767
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,767 --> 00:00:11,000
♪ Guys like us,
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,234
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,234 --> 00:00:17,267
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:20,467
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:25,634
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:28,801
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,801 --> 00:00:31,734
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,734 --> 00:00:35,734
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,734 --> 00:00:41,601
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:48,834
[SINGING NONSENSE]
13
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:52,701
Ooh, ouch. Ooh.
14
00:00:52,701 --> 00:00:54,934
[LAUGHS]
15
00:00:54,934 --> 00:00:56,167
[DOORBELL RINGS]
16
00:00:56,167 --> 00:00:58,167
- It's me, Ma.
- Oh, yeah, Gloria.
17
00:00:58,167 --> 00:01:02,234
♪ A glorious song
of hope... ♪ Oh!
18
00:01:02,234 --> 00:01:05,267
Hi, Ma, I can only stay--
Oh, Mom, mwah!
19
00:01:05,267 --> 00:01:07,267
I can only stay a minute
'cause Joey's sleeping
20
00:01:07,267 --> 00:01:09,000
and the baby-sitter
didn't get there yet.
21
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,167
What's the big surprise?
22
00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:12,434
Come on and read this.
23
00:01:13,801 --> 00:01:15,300
"Beverley La Salle,
24
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,734
"world-famous female
impersonator..."
25
00:01:17,734 --> 00:01:21,734
Carnegie Hall,
December 27th!
26
00:01:21,734 --> 00:01:25,033
That's wonderful,
Beverley's gonna play Carnegie Hall.
27
00:01:25,033 --> 00:01:26,300
We're gonna go,
aren't we?
28
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:29,067
Oh, sure,
and that ain't all.
29
00:01:29,067 --> 00:01:32,200
Guess who just stopped by
and left them presents,
30
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,634
and is upstairs right now
tryin' on his dress
31
00:01:35,634 --> 00:01:38,400
he's gonna wear
at Carnegie Hall? Guess!
32
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:39,968
Is it Beverly La Salle?
33
00:01:39,968 --> 00:01:42,167
You guessed!
34
00:01:42,167 --> 00:01:44,968
What am I gonna wear
to Carnegie Hall?
35
00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:48,300
Are ya up there, Beverley,
you big, bogus bimbo?
36
00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:50,567
Hi, you little
sawed-off sexpot.
37
00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:53,334
Stand back,
and prepare to be dazzled.
38
00:01:53,334 --> 00:01:57,534
♪ I stepped out of a dream ♪
39
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:02,634
♪ I am too wonderful to me,
I seem ♪
40
00:02:02,634 --> 00:02:06,801
Oh, Beverly,
oh!
41
00:02:06,801 --> 00:02:09,467
Do you think
it's too busy?
42
00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:12,200
No, Beverly,
it's beautiful.
43
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,100
You look exquisite.
44
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,934
I do, don't I?
45
00:02:15,934 --> 00:02:19,267
Oh, Beverly, where
did you ever get that?
46
00:02:19,267 --> 00:02:21,701
Oh, I have
the best dress-maker in the whole world.
47
00:02:21,701 --> 00:02:22,701
Who is she?
48
00:02:22,701 --> 00:02:24,734
Mr. Florence.
49
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:28,267
Mr. Florence,
is that a he or a she?
50
00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:30,200
Yes.
51
00:02:31,567 --> 00:02:34,667
I'll explain it
to you later, Ma.
52
00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:36,167
Bye, Beverly.
53
00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:37,868
I gotta get home to Joey.
54
00:02:37,868 --> 00:02:39,467
Ma, Michael and I
want you to and Daddy
55
00:02:39,467 --> 00:02:41,267
to come over and help us
decorate the tree tonight.
56
00:02:41,267 --> 00:02:42,400
You too, Beverly.
57
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,100
Oh, I can't,
I have to rehearse.
58
00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,834
All right for you,
you dizzy queen, you.
59
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:52,968
Oh, Carnegie Hall.
60
00:02:52,968 --> 00:02:56,234
I ain't never been
to Carnegie Hall.
61
00:02:56,234 --> 00:02:59,934
I went with Archie once
to get a suit at Robert Hall.
62
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,734
Well, you're going
to get to Carnegie Hall,
63
00:03:04,734 --> 00:03:06,534
and you're gonna have
the best seats in the house.
64
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:09,701
Oh, Beverly,
that's so sweet of you.
65
00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:10,934
Well,
who deserves it more
66
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:12,100
than the man
who saved my life
67
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,701
and his wonderful
wife and family?
68
00:03:13,701 --> 00:03:15,501
You don't have
to go right now.
69
00:03:15,501 --> 00:03:18,534
Sit down and talk to me
while I set the table.
70
00:03:18,534 --> 00:03:20,834
Sit down
in this dress?
71
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,400
Are you kidding?
72
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:23,634
[IMITATING MAE WEST]
One false move
73
00:03:23,634 --> 00:03:26,901
and you'll have wall-to-wall
foam rubber, aw.
74
00:03:26,901 --> 00:03:27,934
Oh!
[LAUGHS]
75
00:03:27,934 --> 00:03:29,501
Bette Davis.
76
00:03:31,467 --> 00:03:33,467
Oh, Beverly,
77
00:03:33,467 --> 00:03:37,200
Archie is gonna be
so surprised to see you.
78
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,000
I'll bet.
79
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,767
Since you're stayin'
all next week,
80
00:03:41,767 --> 00:03:44,467
why don't you come and have
Christmas dinner with us?
81
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:45,501
I'd love to.
82
00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:47,367
Good! You don't
have to dress up,
83
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:49,200
just come as you are.
84
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:52,634
Oh, I mean, uh, you don't
have to wear a dress.
85
00:03:52,634 --> 00:03:54,901
You better not.
86
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:58,767
Oh, Beverly,
I got somethin' for ya.
87
00:03:58,767 --> 00:03:59,968
It's very special.
88
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:02,067
I was gonna
save it for Christmas,
89
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,200
but I'm gonna
show you right now.
90
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,367
I love surprises.
What is it?
91
00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:07,868
My whole career's
built on surprises.
92
00:04:08,934 --> 00:04:11,033
Here you are.
93
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:12,834
A scrapbook.
94
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:18,100
I saved all your reviews
from all over the country.
95
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,767
Aren't you nice?
96
00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:22,334
Oh, well, we're just
proud of you.
97
00:04:22,334 --> 00:04:25,467
I mean, there have been
celebrities in this house--
98
00:04:25,467 --> 00:04:27,367
Sammy Davis Jr.,
99
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,167
and Lena Fleischacker,
100
00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:32,601
whose niece did a TV
commercial for bad breath,
101
00:04:32,601 --> 00:04:37,300
but you're the only one
that's like family.
102
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:40,000
I love you, Edith.
103
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,868
To me,
you're like a sister.
104
00:04:41,868 --> 00:04:47,334
Oh, Beverly, to me
you're like a sister.
105
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:49,534
Uh, no, I mean brother.
106
00:04:49,534 --> 00:04:52,334
Oh, well,
both rolled into one.
107
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,000
Edith, I'm home.
108
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,634
EDITH:
Oh, yeah, Archie.
109
00:04:55,634 --> 00:04:57,033
Where are you?
110
00:04:57,033 --> 00:05:01,234
Archie, don't come in here.
I'm in the kitchen.
111
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:03,267
Oh, well, I'm already
sittin' at the table, Edith,
112
00:05:03,267 --> 00:05:06,634
with the knife and fork
poised in my hand here,
113
00:05:06,634 --> 00:05:10,801
and my starved-to-death eyes
are lookin' down on nothin'.
114
00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:13,267
Don't--don't
come out here.
115
00:05:13,267 --> 00:05:16,000
I got a surprise
for ya.
116
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,267
Are you cookin'
in your underwear again?
117
00:05:22,567 --> 00:05:26,601
That was just
on one of them hot days.
118
00:05:26,601 --> 00:05:29,801
Archie, I got
a surprise for ya.
119
00:05:29,801 --> 00:05:30,834
Close your eyes.
120
00:05:30,834 --> 00:05:32,701
Oh, jeez, all right.
121
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,234
Are your eyes closed?
122
00:05:36,234 --> 00:05:39,000
All right, Edith,
but hurry it up, will ya?
123
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,734
All right,
now don't peak.
124
00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:51,100
Oh, come on, Edith.
125
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,834
Don't keep my eyes
covered up all day, will ya?
126
00:05:53,834 --> 00:05:56,100
Jeez, I'm hungry.
What is it?
127
00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:13,868
I got a rubbery feelin'
it's Beverly La Salle.
128
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:16,434
Merry Christmas,
Mr. Bunker!
129
00:06:16,434 --> 00:06:19,367
No, don't kiss me
no more there, Beverly.
130
00:06:19,367 --> 00:06:20,434
My doctor tells me
131
00:06:20,434 --> 00:06:23,400
I got a communications
disease there.
132
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,868
Don't Beverly
look beautiful, Archie?
133
00:06:26,868 --> 00:06:28,267
What? Well...
134
00:06:28,267 --> 00:06:31,167
Oh, holy jeez.
135
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:34,801
Oh, yeah, you look beautiful
there, Beverly, yeah.
136
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:40,868
Jeez, if you come through
the streets to this house
137
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:44,167
lookin' like that, you're
lucky you got here alive.
138
00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:46,701
Archie, Beverly didn't
come here in this.
139
00:06:46,701 --> 00:06:48,801
She was modelin' it for us,
140
00:06:48,801 --> 00:06:51,434
'cause he's gonna wear it
in his new show
141
00:06:51,434 --> 00:06:53,434
next week
at Carnegie Hall.
142
00:06:53,434 --> 00:06:55,534
And you're all going
to be my guests.
143
00:06:55,534 --> 00:06:57,100
Oh, guests, well, now,
144
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,167
wait a minute there,
Beverly.
145
00:06:59,167 --> 00:07:00,734
I--I don't know
about that,
146
00:07:00,734 --> 00:07:02,267
but let me ask you--
147
00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:03,834
i-is the show dirty?
148
00:07:03,834 --> 00:07:06,133
Sophisticated.
149
00:07:06,133 --> 00:07:08,634
Very dirty, huh?
150
00:07:08,634 --> 00:07:10,167
You'll love it.
151
00:07:10,167 --> 00:07:11,968
Well, I've gotta go.
I've gotta get to rehearsal.
152
00:07:11,968 --> 00:07:13,434
♪ Fa la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪
153
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:16,067
♪ Don we now
our gay apparel ♪
154
00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:18,267
♪ Fa la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la ♪
155
00:07:25,801 --> 00:07:28,467
She looks like
Howard Cosell in drag.
156
00:07:28,467 --> 00:07:30,701
Oh, Archie.
157
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,300
Beverly's gonna be here
all next week,
158
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:36,367
so I invited him
to Christmas dinner.
159
00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:39,601
You done what?
160
00:07:39,601 --> 00:07:41,434
Well, I thought
it would be nice.
161
00:07:41,434 --> 00:07:46,267
- Edith, I do not want her...
- Him!
162
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:48,667
Um, him, whatever.
163
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:50,501
I do not want
whatever to have
164
00:07:50,501 --> 00:07:53,234
[RAISING VOICE]
Christmas dinner--!
165
00:07:53,234 --> 00:07:55,234
Shh!
166
00:07:55,234 --> 00:07:56,934
[MUMBLING]
167
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,100
With us.
168
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,934
Archie, Beverly's
all alone.
169
00:08:00,934 --> 00:08:04,167
I mean, his family
is all gone!
170
00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:05,567
Sure, they're all gone.
171
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:08,033
They run like hell
away from him.
172
00:08:08,033 --> 00:08:10,033
Oh, they died!
173
00:08:10,033 --> 00:08:13,067
Sure, they died
of shame.
174
00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:17,667
Aw, gee. We're all
God's children.
175
00:08:17,667 --> 00:08:20,868
God loves everybody,
including Beverly,
176
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:24,000
and he don't want nobody
to be alone on Christmas.
177
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,667
Besides,
I already invited him.
178
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:29,267
Now, let me tell you somethin'
you're forgetting lately.
179
00:08:29,267 --> 00:08:31,267
A man's home is his castle,
180
00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:34,100
and in this here castle,
I am king.
181
00:08:35,901 --> 00:08:39,033
And I am queen.
182
00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:44,400
Well, this king can only
handle one queen at a time,
183
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,934
so disinvite her!
184
00:08:50,267 --> 00:08:52,200
Merry Christmas,
everybody! Honey.
185
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,200
Hi, Mike.
186
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,234
What?
187
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,033
Oh, yeah.
188
00:08:57,868 --> 00:08:59,868
Look at this.
He's always makin' love
189
00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,767
like he's gonna be
hung tomorrow.
190
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:07,167
Why are you always bothered
by a simple show of affection?
191
00:09:07,167 --> 00:09:10,634
Because I hate it.
192
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:12,801
EDITH:
Here's Beverly.
193
00:09:12,801 --> 00:09:16,067
You remember
Beverly La Salle, Mike.
194
00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,100
Beverly?
195
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,601
Gee, how are you?
196
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:21,534
I didn't recognize you
without your dress on.
197
00:09:21,534 --> 00:09:24,067
He looks damn good
without his dress on.
198
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:25,701
Let me tell you
somethin' there, Bev.
199
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:27,501
You keep on wearin'
men's clothes,
200
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:29,834
and I'll be willin' to bet
that in no time at all,
201
00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:32,000
you could
turn yourself around.
202
00:09:33,501 --> 00:09:36,067
Oh, don't be
givin' me them looks.
203
00:09:36,067 --> 00:09:38,767
These here problems
are much more easy solved
204
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:41,434
than you liberals
would have us believe.
205
00:09:41,434 --> 00:09:45,234
Archie, Beverly
ain't got no problem.
206
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:49,267
He's a perfectly normal
female impersonator.
207
00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:50,300
Thank you.
[KISSES]
208
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:52,801
Oh.
[KISSES]
209
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:53,968
I'm only sayin'
210
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,534
that she looks wonderful
in those pants.
211
00:09:56,534 --> 00:09:58,901
But who'd
come to Carnegie Hall to see me in pants?
212
00:09:58,901 --> 00:10:02,033
Well, they might
if you worked up some kind of an act there.
213
00:10:02,033 --> 00:10:04,133
Hey, you could learn
to play the violin,
214
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:07,968
like that guy I once heard,
"Yenuhu Menuhu."
215
00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:11,767
I gotta go.
216
00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,400
Is there any place nearby
I can get a cab?
217
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,267
Oh, yeah, there's a place
up on Northern Boulevard.
218
00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:16,300
I'll walk you there.
219
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:17,501
I gotta stop by
the store anyway.
220
00:10:17,501 --> 00:10:19,634
Uh, listen, listen.
221
00:10:19,634 --> 00:10:21,501
Save the family name,
will ya,
222
00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:24,167
and walk way ahead of him.
223
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:25,667
Where you goin',
honey?
224
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:28,501
I gotta get a new star
for the top of the tree.
225
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:30,834
I love the old star.
226
00:10:30,834 --> 00:10:33,067
What the hell'd
you do with it, eat it?
227
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:36,834
Arch, the star
was made out of glass, aluminum, and wire.
228
00:10:36,834 --> 00:10:39,968
Oh, that's right.
You don't eat wire.
229
00:10:39,968 --> 00:10:41,901
Have a wonderful
afternoon, Edith. Thank you.
230
00:10:41,901 --> 00:10:43,501
- Bye, Beverly.
- Good-bye, Gloria.
231
00:10:43,501 --> 00:10:47,400
- Don't forget, we'll see
you Christmas at 3:00. - Great.
232
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,300
[DEEP VOICE]
Arch and I can watch the football game,
233
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,467
have a couple beers,
234
00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:52,734
sit around
and punch each other.
235
00:10:58,868 --> 00:11:01,501
Did you hear the voice
on him there?
236
00:11:01,501 --> 00:11:04,434
She could change herself
over like that.
237
00:11:04,434 --> 00:11:06,133
What a dumb thing to say.
238
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,234
Don't call me dumb.
239
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,601
Go home to your house.
Watch the baby.
240
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:09,968
The gypsies will come
and steal him.
241
00:11:12,901 --> 00:11:14,767
Nobody's gonna steal Joey
242
00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:16,934
with Cybil Goulie
lookin' after him.
243
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,968
Here, grumpy,
this is for you.
244
00:11:18,968 --> 00:11:20,501
No, no, I don't want
no Christmas present.
245
00:11:20,501 --> 00:11:22,434
It's not
a Christmas present.
246
00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:23,634
You didn't
get me nothin', huh?
247
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:26,567
Would you just open it?
248
00:11:26,567 --> 00:11:28,634
It's somethin'
for you to wear.
249
00:11:28,634 --> 00:11:30,167
Archie Bunker
don't need no clothes
250
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,701
for the rest
of his life.
251
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:32,801
Oh!
252
00:11:32,801 --> 00:11:33,834
Look, Daddy.
253
00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:35,734
Ain't this
beautiful?
254
00:11:35,734 --> 00:11:39,000
Oh, no, no, no.
255
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,067
No, no, no, no.
256
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:43,067
No, that ain't for me,
little girl.
257
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:45,934
But we all decided that you're
gonna play Santa Claus
258
00:11:45,934 --> 00:11:47,567
this year for Joey.
Oh, no, no, no.
259
00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:49,334
If you don't I'll cry.
260
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:52,434
Listen, don't think you can
change my mind with cryin'
261
00:11:52,434 --> 00:11:53,868
anymore, little girl.
262
00:11:53,868 --> 00:11:56,334
Now, you just go home and tell
your husband to play Santy.
263
00:11:56,334 --> 00:12:01,367
But Michael doesn't have
a big belly, and you do.
264
00:12:01,367 --> 00:12:02,734
Now, do it!
265
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:05,334
What the hell ever happened
to the good old days,
266
00:12:05,334 --> 00:12:08,601
when kids was
scared to death of their parents?
267
00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:10,968
Archie, come on.
268
00:12:10,968 --> 00:12:13,234
Your belly makes
you look more jolly.
269
00:12:13,234 --> 00:12:14,968
Stop! Stop! Stop that.
270
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,767
Don't touch me
in the livin' room!
271
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,868
Please, for Joey?
272
00:12:20,868 --> 00:12:21,968
It'll look so cute,
273
00:12:21,968 --> 00:12:23,167
and we'll take
lots of pictures.
274
00:12:23,167 --> 00:12:24,534
I said no.
275
00:12:24,534 --> 00:12:27,667
You won't do it,
then I'm gonna be--
276
00:12:27,667 --> 00:12:29,934
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
277
00:12:29,934 --> 00:12:31,400
All right!
278
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,400
Good.
[KNOCK]
279
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,534
Somebody's here.
Hiya, folks.
280
00:12:35,534 --> 00:12:36,634
Oh, hiya, Barney.
281
00:12:36,634 --> 00:12:38,968
Hey, Arch. Arch, I gotta
talk to you a minute.
282
00:12:38,968 --> 00:12:40,000
What do you want,
Barney?
283
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,033
Come on out here.
284
00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:42,133
What do you
mean out here?
285
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:43,534
Now, come on, Barney,
what are you doin'?
286
00:12:43,534 --> 00:12:45,734
It's cold out here.
Draggin' me out on the porch.
287
00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:46,934
Oh, look at this.
288
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,667
Don't you know that
snowflakes is full of germs?
289
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,067
Never mind that.
290
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,834
Listen,
is Mike in the house?
291
00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:53,834
No, he went
to the store.
292
00:12:53,834 --> 00:12:56,067
Oh, jeez,
maybe it was him.
293
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,534
What are you talkin' about?
294
00:12:57,534 --> 00:12:59,634
Two guys were just mugged
down on the corner.
295
00:12:59,634 --> 00:13:00,934
Now, I didn't see it,
296
00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:03,067
but someone said
that one of the guys looked like Mike.
297
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:05,267
Now, the cops and ambulance
are on their way. [SIRENS APPROACHING]
298
00:13:05,267 --> 00:13:06,300
Mike got mugged?
Yeah.
299
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,033
GLORIA:
What did you just say?
300
00:13:08,033 --> 00:13:09,267
Don't tell them.
301
00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:10,901
Mike got mugged.
[GROANS]
302
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,934
Michael. Michael!
303
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:25,734
Ah, boy. [SIGHS]
304
00:13:28,701 --> 00:13:30,033
Oh, hi, honey.
305
00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:36,300
Oh, Michael! Michael!
306
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:39,100
Oh, your arm!
307
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:41,334
[WHINING] Your arm!
308
00:13:41,334 --> 00:13:44,701
Oh, and your head!
309
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:47,000
Your head!
310
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,968
And your eye!
311
00:13:49,968 --> 00:13:53,067
[CRYING] Your eye!
312
00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:56,634
Gee, honey, thanks
for coming by to cheer me up.
313
00:13:56,634 --> 00:13:59,400
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
314
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,400
I won't do it anymore.
315
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,567
I can't help it!
316
00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:05,200
Gloria, please, don't cry.
317
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,968
What a night--
first a mugging,
318
00:14:06,968 --> 00:14:08,968
now a drowning.
319
00:14:08,968 --> 00:14:10,801
Honey, are you
all right?
320
00:14:10,801 --> 00:14:12,334
- I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
321
00:14:12,334 --> 00:14:14,467
Yes, I am positive.
H-how's Beverly?
322
00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:15,701
We don't know.
323
00:14:15,701 --> 00:14:17,801
He hasn't come out
of Emergency yet.
324
00:14:17,801 --> 00:14:19,100
What happened?
325
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,133
Oh, this gang
of rotten kids jumped us.
326
00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:23,200
I don't even think
they were after our money.
327
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,868
This one guy had
a lead pipe.
328
00:14:24,868 --> 00:14:27,267
Just as he was about
to hit me over the head,
329
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,868
Beverly tackled him.
He saved my life!
330
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,801
But then two of them,
they started beating on Beverly.
331
00:14:31,801 --> 00:14:33,467
I guess they figured out
what he was,
332
00:14:33,467 --> 00:14:35,334
and they just started
smashing him with the pipe.
333
00:14:35,334 --> 00:14:37,501
I don't want
to hear any more.
334
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:39,701
Oh, honey...
I'm just so glad...
335
00:14:39,701 --> 00:14:41,934
that's you're
gonna be... okay.
336
00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:44,601
Gloria. Gl-Gloria...
337
00:14:44,601 --> 00:14:46,467
- Gloria!
- What?
338
00:14:46,467 --> 00:14:49,767
Uh, I never thought I'd
say this, but I have a headache.
339
00:14:54,467 --> 00:14:56,467
Mr. Bunker?
340
00:14:56,467 --> 00:14:58,067
Are you kiddin'?
341
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,067
Mr. and Mrs. Bunker,
342
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:05,033
you're related
to Michael Stivic?
343
00:15:05,033 --> 00:15:06,634
Yeah,
he's our son-in-law.
344
00:15:06,634 --> 00:15:07,934
Is he all right,
doctor?
345
00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:09,667
Mr. Stivic is fine.
346
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,133
Oh, thank God.
347
00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:13,801
Are you also related
to Beverly La Salle?
348
00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:15,334
Oh, no, jeez, no.
349
00:15:15,334 --> 00:15:18,634
Yeah, he's
a very dear friend.
350
00:15:18,634 --> 00:15:19,834
Perhaps you can help.
351
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:21,734
I'm trying to locate
his next of kin.
352
00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:24,367
Next of kin, why?
You wanna operate on him or somethin'?
353
00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:26,300
I'm afraid it's gone
beyond that.
354
00:15:31,701 --> 00:15:36,334
Uh, well, uh,
what do you mean by that?
355
00:15:36,334 --> 00:15:39,734
Oh, uh, you ain't tellin' us
that he's, uh...
356
00:15:39,734 --> 00:15:42,968
I'm sorry.
He just died.
357
00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:24,601
Edith, uh...
358
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:26,400
uh, did you make coffee?
359
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:29,634
Oh, yeah.
I'll get you some.
360
00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:30,667
Yeah.
361
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:32,868
Uh, you know, Edith,
362
00:16:32,868 --> 00:16:36,300
uh, what surprises me is all
the fuss they're makin' today
363
00:16:36,300 --> 00:16:38,400
about all the sugar in things,
you know?
364
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,501
I mean, take this cereal.
365
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:42,133
Jeez, if they didn't
load it with sugar,
366
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:43,634
you'd throw up
in the cereal.
367
00:16:58,801 --> 00:17:00,734
You made it kinda weak,
huh?
368
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,701
Oh, I forgot.
369
00:17:06,701 --> 00:17:08,901
Sorry, I'll make
you some more.
370
00:17:08,901 --> 00:17:10,501
No, I can
make it myself.
371
00:17:10,501 --> 00:17:12,701
No, you better get yourself
dressed for church.
372
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:13,734
All right.
373
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:14,667
Yeah.
374
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,100
[EDITH SIGHS]
375
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,634
Oh, jeez.
376
00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:25,300
[SIGHS]
377
00:17:28,601 --> 00:17:33,100
"Lookie, lookie, lookie,
all youse kids.
378
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:37,934
"Realistic, full-detail,
authentic, scale
379
00:17:37,934 --> 00:17:41,734
"reproduction space shuttle
Enterprise.
380
00:17:41,734 --> 00:17:46,968
Send any two box-tops
and 50 cents."
381
00:17:46,968 --> 00:17:49,634
Sounds like a quality toy.
382
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,100
Hiya, Daddy.
383
00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:56,267
Oh, hello there,
little girl.
384
00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:57,901
Where's Ma?
385
00:17:57,901 --> 00:17:59,767
Gettin' dressed
for church.
386
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:02,100
Oh.
387
00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:04,000
You want some coffee?
388
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,767
No, no,
I don't want none, no.
389
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:07,067
Yeah, well, I do.
390
00:18:17,767 --> 00:18:20,067
Why did you
let me do that?
391
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,534
I don't know.
392
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:28,200
Some holiday.
393
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,033
Boy, if it wasn't
for little Joey,
394
00:18:31,033 --> 00:18:33,434
we probably wouldn't
be celebratin' at all.
395
00:18:33,434 --> 00:18:35,167
Yeah, well, that
reminds me, little girl.
396
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:37,968
Uh, this here
Santy suit over here,
397
00:18:37,968 --> 00:18:40,334
I think you ought to take
that back to the store,
398
00:18:40,334 --> 00:18:41,601
or wherever you got it,
399
00:18:41,601 --> 00:18:43,367
because with all
that's happened over here,
400
00:18:43,367 --> 00:18:46,234
I don't feel like no
ho-ho-hoing, I'll tell ya.
401
00:18:46,234 --> 00:18:48,968
Oh, Daddy,
come on, please.
402
00:18:48,968 --> 00:18:50,968
Just try it on.
You'll see you're gonna look adorable.
403
00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:53,067
Oh, don't.
No, no, no.
404
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:55,067
Yes, you look good.
Yes.
405
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,100
I said no.
406
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:57,100
And I said yes.
407
00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,300
I said no.
408
00:18:58,300 --> 00:18:59,334
And I said yes.
409
00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:00,400
Now, who you gonna
listen to?
410
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,300
You.
411
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:04,133
Let me just
put this on you.
412
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:05,167
Oh, that, too? Oh--
413
00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:07,734
Daddy, you see,
you look so cute,
414
00:19:07,734 --> 00:19:09,734
and Joey will love it.
415
00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:11,801
You walk in,
you say ho-ho-ho,
416
00:19:11,801 --> 00:19:13,167
he'll go crazy.
417
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:14,300
You look cute!
418
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,033
Cute.
[LAUGHS]
419
00:19:22,033 --> 00:19:23,467
Don't laugh!
420
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:25,834
I'm sorry. You just
look adorable, Daddy.
421
00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:28,167
Why don't you leave it on,
so that when Ma comes down
422
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,734
she can have
a good laugh, huh?
423
00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:30,934
Shh.
424
00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:33,634
Hi, Ma.
425
00:19:33,634 --> 00:19:36,000
Oh, hi, Gloria.
426
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,033
How's Mike?
427
00:19:37,033 --> 00:19:38,067
He's okay.
428
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:39,167
That's good.
429
00:19:39,167 --> 00:19:41,934
Hey, hey, get me a nurse
here, Edith, huh? Huh?
430
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:44,467
Oh, Archie.
431
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:45,868
[DEEP VOICE]
Oh, this ain't Archie.
432
00:19:45,868 --> 00:19:48,567
This is you-know-who.
433
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:52,334
Hey, little girl,
what would you like for Christmas?
434
00:19:52,334 --> 00:19:56,267
I want Beverly to be alive.
435
00:19:56,267 --> 00:19:58,934
Oh, Edith, jeez.
436
00:19:58,934 --> 00:20:01,734
I can't understand it.
437
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,968
I mean, everything was goin'
so good for him,
438
00:20:04,968 --> 00:20:07,834
and then somebody
had to kill him.
439
00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:10,400
Yeah, just because
he was different.
440
00:20:18,834 --> 00:20:21,434
I'll see you after church.
441
00:20:30,534 --> 00:20:34,801
Jeez, I wish she could
get some cheerin' up someplace, you know?
442
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:38,100
How many laughs
are you gonna get in an hour in church?
443
00:20:41,701 --> 00:20:43,234
I don't know.
444
00:20:43,234 --> 00:20:47,167
Ma usually
comes back from church feelin' pretty good.
445
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:51,968
You know, I wish I had
told Beverly
446
00:20:51,968 --> 00:20:54,734
what a nice fella she was,
447
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:58,567
but you don't know how
to talk to them people, you know?
448
00:20:58,567 --> 00:21:00,334
You don't know
what to say there,
449
00:21:00,334 --> 00:21:02,434
so you don't say nothin'.
450
00:21:02,434 --> 00:21:03,868
Then, all of a sudden,
451
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:06,300
they up and die,
and the leave you hangin'.
452
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,901
[SIGHS]
453
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,801
Jeez.
454
00:21:10,801 --> 00:21:13,467
But what you said before,
he was different.
455
00:21:13,467 --> 00:21:15,534
See, that's a lesson
to learn there.
456
00:21:15,534 --> 00:21:18,501
Everybody should try hard
457
00:21:18,501 --> 00:21:22,701
to be the same
as everybody else, you know?
458
00:21:22,701 --> 00:21:24,734
Because, I mean,
459
00:21:24,734 --> 00:21:28,300
that way life is a lot
easier, you see,
460
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:30,634
for them people,
and also easier
461
00:21:30,634 --> 00:21:32,934
for the rest of us
normal people.
462
00:21:32,934 --> 00:21:35,067
Did you really
like Beverly, Daddy?
463
00:21:35,067 --> 00:21:37,834
Oh, yeah, sure I did.
464
00:21:37,834 --> 00:21:40,234
I mean, you know,
she was a nice fella.
465
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:45,000
Generous there and kind,
466
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,701
always wrote letters
to your mother there, Yeah.
467
00:21:48,701 --> 00:21:51,234
and no matter how much
she may have wanted to,
468
00:21:51,234 --> 00:21:52,968
she never
laid a hand on me.
469
00:21:58,133 --> 00:21:59,767
Much too big
for a dame,
470
00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:02,667
but she had
a nice pair of legs.
471
00:22:02,667 --> 00:22:06,334
Why is it that people
always say nice things
472
00:22:06,334 --> 00:22:08,868
about somebody
after they die?
473
00:22:08,868 --> 00:22:12,767
Well, because
people are scared that the departed soul
474
00:22:12,767 --> 00:22:14,601
might be "hoovering"
around someplace
475
00:22:14,601 --> 00:22:16,534
listenin'
to what's said.
476
00:22:16,534 --> 00:22:20,367
[HUMS EERILY]
477
00:22:20,367 --> 00:22:23,434
Oh, don't do that. It puts
a chill across me here!
478
00:22:23,434 --> 00:22:25,367
[GASPS]
Ooh, ooh.
479
00:22:25,367 --> 00:22:26,767
Don't do that.
480
00:22:26,767 --> 00:22:28,567
But, Daddy, there's somebody
sittin' on the porch.
481
00:22:28,567 --> 00:22:30,634
Yeah, is it wearin'
big, black rings?
482
00:22:30,634 --> 00:22:31,701
No, come look.
483
00:22:31,701 --> 00:22:33,200
Oh, don't kid around
at a time like this.
484
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,868
Get up. There's someone
sitting on the porch.
485
00:22:34,868 --> 00:22:35,968
I don't wanna get up there.
486
00:22:35,968 --> 00:22:37,000
Would you get up?
487
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,801
Ah, cut this out.
Let go of my hands here.
488
00:22:40,801 --> 00:22:43,701
Daddy, who's out there?
489
00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:46,601
It's your mother.
490
00:22:46,601 --> 00:22:47,701
I know.
491
00:22:49,834 --> 00:22:53,801
Hey, uh, hey--hey,
Edith there.
492
00:22:53,801 --> 00:22:55,567
Hey, look
at the time there.
493
00:22:55,567 --> 00:22:57,901
Shouldn't you be
in church now, huh?
494
00:22:57,901 --> 00:22:59,801
I ain't goin' to church.
495
00:22:59,801 --> 00:23:00,834
What's the matter, Ma?
496
00:23:00,834 --> 00:23:02,701
You always go
to church on Sunday.
497
00:23:02,701 --> 00:23:04,767
Well, I ain't goin' today.
498
00:23:04,767 --> 00:23:07,100
Well, that's all right.
That's all right, Edith.
499
00:23:07,100 --> 00:23:09,100
[MOUTHS WORDS[
500
00:23:09,100 --> 00:23:11,434
You don't have to go
to church today.
501
00:23:11,434 --> 00:23:13,601
You go to church
next Sunday.
502
00:23:13,601 --> 00:23:16,934
Maybe I won't go
next Sunday, neither.
503
00:23:16,934 --> 00:23:18,133
Oh, that's all right.
504
00:23:18,133 --> 00:23:19,601
Listen, Edith,
you went to church
505
00:23:19,601 --> 00:23:21,200
many's the time
over the years.
506
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,067
Sometimes I think
you over-went.
507
00:23:24,801 --> 00:23:27,033
The way I feel today,
508
00:23:27,033 --> 00:23:31,567
I may not
go to church...ever.
509
00:23:37,534 --> 00:23:38,934
Well, now, Edith,
510
00:23:38,934 --> 00:23:42,067
you know, I hate to cross you
in things like this here,
511
00:23:42,067 --> 00:23:47,100
but I really think that
somebody from the family
512
00:23:47,100 --> 00:23:49,868
oughta kinda be there,
513
00:23:49,868 --> 00:23:51,901
representing us
in front of God.
514
00:23:51,901 --> 00:23:54,834
Why?
515
00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:57,701
What good does it do?
516
00:23:57,701 --> 00:24:00,167
Oh, Ma.
517
00:24:00,167 --> 00:24:01,901
Ma.
518
00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:18,200
Hey, I didn't do nothin'.
519
00:24:42,968 --> 00:24:45,567
ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape
520
00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:47,000
before a live audience.
521
00:24:47,050 --> 00:24:51,600
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