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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:03,801
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:03,803 --> 00:00:07,472
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:10,641
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:13,044
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,046 --> 00:00:16,982
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:20,185
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:25,390
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:28,226
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:31,362
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:35,366
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:41,239
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,511 --> 00:00:47,712
[EDITH HUMMING]
13
00:00:48,814 --> 00:00:50,582
Oh, hi, Mike.
14
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,283
Hi, Ma.
15
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,256
Hey, Ma...
tell me--
16
00:00:58,258 --> 00:01:01,526
Gloria already
gave me her opinion. Tell me what you think.
17
00:01:01,528 --> 00:01:03,294
About what?
18
00:01:03,296 --> 00:01:05,430
Ma, look at me.
19
00:01:09,035 --> 00:01:12,137
Are you gonna sneeze?
20
00:01:12,139 --> 00:01:15,806
No, Ma! I shaved off
my mustache.
21
00:01:15,808 --> 00:01:17,942
Oh, yeah!
22
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:21,812
Oh, my goodness,
let me see.
23
00:01:21,814 --> 00:01:25,783
Oh, my, it makes your head
look fatter.
24
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,654
That's what Gloria's
been telling me.
25
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,356
She's been laughing
all morning.
26
00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:34,459
Oh, oh,
but it's a nice fat head.
27
00:01:34,461 --> 00:01:39,297
I mean, well,
now your upper lip matches your lower lip.
28
00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:42,033
What made you
shave it off?
29
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,568
How can I explain it...
30
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:46,071
Did you ever have
a table that wobbled?
31
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,840
Oh, all my life.
32
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,976
You got one leg
longer than the other,
33
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:53,411
so you cut it down
to make them all even,
34
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:56,447
but the next thing you know
you got the other three legs are now too long,
35
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,483
so you cut them down
to make it even.
36
00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,218
And pretty soon,
with all the cutting
37
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,420
and trying to make it even
you got no table at all.
38
00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:07,725
Oh, Mike, I hope it wasn't
the table we gave you for a wedding present.
39
00:02:10,062 --> 00:02:12,564
Ma, do you have
any coffee?
40
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,466
Yeah, sure.
41
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,901
And do you mind
if I drink it in the living room?
42
00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:19,737
Oh, no.
I want to catch Sesame Street.
43
00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:22,674
I thought that was
for little kids.
44
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:26,010
It is, but they got
a great show on today about the letter Z.
45
00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:29,113
Besides,
I heard that Big Bird's gonna lay an egg today.
46
00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:30,114
Oh.
47
00:02:30,116 --> 00:02:31,048
[WOOD CRACKS]
48
00:02:33,386 --> 00:02:34,786
Oh, no!
49
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:37,488
I broke the chair!
I broke the chair!
50
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:40,658
I broke Archie's chair!
I broke his chair!
51
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:42,727
Yeah, but you
coulda broke something.
52
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,161
I did!
I broke his chair!
53
00:02:44,163 --> 00:02:46,397
Ma, I feel terrible!
I didn't mean to do it!
54
00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:49,100
It was an accident.
It was an accident, wasn't it, Ma?
55
00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:51,836
Archie's gonna go crazy!
56
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,671
Ma, what are you
gonna tell him?
57
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,206
I don't know, Mike.
58
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:59,010
His chair is
his favorite place in the whole world.
59
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,345
Good morning.
EDITH: Hi, Gloria.
60
00:03:01,347 --> 00:03:03,882
- What happened?
- I broke Archie's chair!
61
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:07,018
Oh, that's awful!
How did--
62
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,387
Ha ha ha ha ha!
63
00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:11,423
What are you
laughing at?
64
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:14,592
I'm sorry, Michael,
but you look so funny
65
00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:17,294
without anything
on your upper lip.
66
00:03:17,296 --> 00:03:18,797
Will you forget about that?!
67
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:21,232
Do ya think we'll be able
to fix it?
68
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:23,901
Oh, yeah, sure.
We'll just get some glue and put it back on.
69
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:26,371
Won't it come off
in the shower?
70
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,340
Ha ha ha ha!
71
00:03:31,143 --> 00:03:33,478
Who would want to
put a chair in the shower?
72
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,880
No, your mustache!
73
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,282
Will you forget about
the mustache?!
74
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:40,652
- What are we gonna do
about the chair? - Yeah!
75
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,721
Well, I can call
my friend Andy
76
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,322
in Kressler's
furniture department.
77
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:46,825
- Yeah, call him.
- He can probably take care of it today.
78
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,125
It'll probably
cost a little more,
79
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:49,427
but they'll pick up
and deliver.
80
00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:51,363
I don't care
how much it costs, just do it.
81
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:55,767
Do you think he can fix it
before your father gets home?
82
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,302
Oh, sure,
Andy works fast, and it's still early.
83
00:03:59,438 --> 00:04:00,905
Ha ha ha ha ha!
84
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,107
Will you stop laughing?
85
00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:04,909
It's not that funny.
86
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,544
Yes, it is.
87
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:09,947
I just noticed that
your nostrils are uneven.
88
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:15,487
EDITH:
But you promised, Andy.
89
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,822
Well, that ain't fair.
90
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:20,425
Well, it's 6:30 now,
91
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,827
and you promised that
my husband's chair
92
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,896
would be here an hour ago.
93
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,932
And now he's gonna
walk through the door any minute
94
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,767
and he's gonna blow up!
95
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:32,137
What am I gonna do?
96
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:37,042
No. I don't want to go to
an all-night movie.
97
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,176
Ma, Daddy's coming!
He just rounded the corner!
98
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:42,614
Did you hear that?
You call me back!
99
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,616
Gloria,
what are you doing?
100
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,751
If I put this here
maybe Daddy won't notice,
101
00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:48,052
at least not
right away.
102
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:49,920
Oh, no,
your father'll notice.
103
00:04:49,922 --> 00:04:51,222
Ma, be positive.
104
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:54,191
I am positive--
your father'll notice it!
105
00:04:54,193 --> 00:04:56,494
Maybe the truck
got held up in traffic.
106
00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:59,297
ARCHIE: Hey, Hefner, your dogis killin' my lawn again!
107
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,666
Ma, here's what you do.
108
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:04,936
You just distract Daddy
and keep him out of the living room
109
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,071
- until the truck comes by.
- Where are you going?
110
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:10,274
I gotta go home,
'cause I don't want to be here for Daddy to blame me.
111
00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:12,277
But it ain't your fault.
112
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,412
Yes, it is.
I married Michael!
113
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:16,147
Ohhh...
114
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,815
Oh, yeah.
115
00:05:21,687 --> 00:05:24,856
Oh, hi, Archie.
Are you ready to go?
116
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,991
Where the hell
are we goin'?
117
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,393
Next door for 20 minutes.
118
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:31,095
What for?!
119
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:33,097
To look at Joey's tooth.
120
00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:35,232
I seen Joey's tooth.
121
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:37,568
Yeah,
but it got longer today.
122
00:05:37,570 --> 00:05:40,270
Out of the way,
will you, Edith?
123
00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:43,908
Let a tired man
get into his house and get off his feet.
124
00:05:45,544 --> 00:05:47,277
How was your day?
125
00:05:47,279 --> 00:05:49,013
Stinko.
126
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,549
Did did you like
your lunch?
127
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:53,250
No, I hated it.
128
00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:55,419
Did you get a seat
on the subway?
129
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:56,654
Are you kiddin'?
130
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,523
I got a seat on the subway
nine years ago
131
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:01,659
when the train went on fire
and everybody run like hell.
132
00:06:04,029 --> 00:06:05,463
Let me go, will ya?
133
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:08,299
I just wanna go
get myself a smoke.
134
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,134
Ah...
135
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:25,350
Archie, come on out
in the kitchen with me!
136
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:27,885
- Huh? Come on.
- Edith, Edith--
137
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,554
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
138
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,188
Edith, please.
139
00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:32,890
I don't wanna talk.
140
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,259
At 11:00 a.m. today
141
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:38,796
I said all I want to say
to everybody in this world.
142
00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:40,465
Hold it, hold it,
wait a minute.
143
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,600
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
144
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:45,703
Ain't there
somethin' funny in here?
145
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:46,871
Uh, no, no.
146
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:51,176
Uh, uh, did you do
something to your hair?
147
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,577
Yeah, I fluffed it up.
148
00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:57,715
No, no, that ain't it.
No, there's something...
149
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:00,985
peculiar, whatever the hell
it is here.
150
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,821
It's spooky.
Let's go in the kitchen.
151
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:06,991
Yeah, let's go
in the kitchen!
152
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,826
Oh, jeez, the heel!
153
00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:11,462
You got the heel.
You got the heel.
154
00:07:11,464 --> 00:07:13,130
Oh, you...
155
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:15,866
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.
156
00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:20,037
Did you put new curtains
on them windows out there?
157
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:22,807
Well, about
eight years ago.
158
00:07:24,109 --> 00:07:27,111
That must be it.
Get me a beer.
159
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,314
Yeah, sit down
right here
160
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:33,418
and tell me all
about your day.
161
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,321
We ain't talked
much lately.
162
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,155
Oh, I know!
163
00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:40,958
We'll talk
about the family.
164
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,261
I hate the family!
165
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,995
I meant your family.
166
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,866
That's who I meant.
167
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,933
Oh, I know, Archie!
168
00:07:49,935 --> 00:07:53,304
Let's talk about
the good old days.
169
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:56,340
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
170
00:07:56,342 --> 00:07:58,976
That ain't nice, now.
171
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,445
Forget it, talking
about the good old days.
172
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:04,281
The good old days
is over and done with, Edith,
173
00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:06,317
and everybody in it
is dead.
174
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,821
And I don't miss nobody
except maybe Humphrey Bogart.
175
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,223
Let me go watch
the news, huh?
176
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,824
Well, now,
wait a minute.
177
00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:17,194
Edith, Edith, Edith, I want
to go into my living room.
178
00:08:17,196 --> 00:08:18,896
Not just this minute.
179
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,966
You mean you ain't gonna let
me go into my living room?
180
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,435
No, stay here
in the kitchen with me.
181
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,904
Edith, Edith, I think
the gas is escaping.
182
00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:29,473
Boom boom, boom boom!
183
00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:33,077
Oh! You fooled me!
You fooled me! Ha ha ha!
184
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,780
You're actin'
awful strange.
185
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:39,450
I mean, even for you.
186
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:42,153
Archie,
I know what let's do.
187
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:45,256
Let's eat dinner
in the kitchen tonight.
188
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,191
I don't give a damn
where we have dinner.
189
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:49,193
Just go cook it,
call me when it's ready.
190
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:52,429
I tell you what we do.
Later on, we'll watch television together.
191
00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:54,899
There's a brand-new show,
very interesting, see?
192
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:58,102
It's a women's show,
what you call a very now show.
193
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,336
I'll show you.
194
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:01,238
It's listed here
in the book here,
195
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,640
I seen it the other night.
196
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:05,543
It's the Ladies'
Heavyweight Boxing, Edith,
197
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,879
the championship,
198
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,813
and the ladies give
a fashion show
199
00:09:09,815 --> 00:09:12,283
before they start
belting the hell out of each other.
200
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:14,952
You see 'em in them
long evening gowns.
201
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,154
Boy, it's better
than a monster movie.
202
00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:19,757
There it is.
Nine o'clock, channel nine.
203
00:09:19,759 --> 00:09:20,858
Ain't that nice?
204
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:23,695
Now let me watch
old pinko Cronkite here.
205
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:26,030
Come on in the kitchen
and talk to me--
206
00:09:26,032 --> 00:09:27,799
There ain't nothi''
to talk--
207
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,334
There's nothi''
to talk about!
208
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:46,584
Now there's somethin'
to talk about.
209
00:09:54,526 --> 00:09:57,294
How come
I can do that here?
210
00:09:58,897 --> 00:10:04,335
Archie, Kressler's
is bringing it back any minute.
211
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:08,172
What is Kressler's
doing with it?
212
00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:12,610
Now, Archie, please be careful.
Remember your blood pressure.
213
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,278
E-E-Edith--
214
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:18,683
I'm gonna hold my breath
and bust all of my arteries...
215
00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,151
all over your floor.
216
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,253
You'll have to explain
to the carpet cleaners
217
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,355
how you murdered
your husband.
218
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,990
What's with my chair?!
219
00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:29,493
Now, Kressler's
is repairing it,
220
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:32,463
and they're gonna bring it
right away.
221
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,465
- They're repairin' it.
- Yeah.
222
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:38,335
Somehow I get from that
that it got broke.
223
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:41,472
- Who broke it?
- Just a leg broke.
224
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:44,541
- Tell me who broke it.
- It don't matter, Archie.
225
00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:47,411
Why won't you tell me
who broke it?
226
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:50,514
Because you'll
get mad at Mike--oh.
227
00:10:52,851 --> 00:10:55,486
The meathead broke my chair?
228
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,020
But he didn't mean to.
229
00:10:57,022 --> 00:10:58,622
Edith, Edith, Edith.
230
00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:01,125
Get on the horn, call him
and get him over here.
231
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:04,028
Oh, Archie,
he won't come over here now.
232
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:06,164
You gotta tempt
him back, Edith.
233
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,567
Tell him you made a big bowl of
chocolate pudding or something.
234
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:13,337
No, Archie,
he feels too bad already,
235
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,073
and he didn't mean to do it.
236
00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:18,241
It was an accident.
237
00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:21,545
What was he using
my chair for, a trampoloon?!
238
00:11:22,781 --> 00:11:26,184
Archie, the chair was old
and rickety.
239
00:11:27,352 --> 00:11:30,220
Old and rickety?
240
00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:32,189
You'd say a rotten thing
like that
241
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,091
about something
that I hold dear?
242
00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:36,927
Do I ever say rotten things
like that about the things that you hold dear?
243
00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:39,597
Did I ever call your mother
old and rickety?
244
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:42,400
Did I ever bust
one of her legs?
245
00:11:44,168 --> 00:11:47,004
But the springs
was all loose.
246
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:49,006
So was your mother's.
247
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:51,809
And it was covered
with beer stains.
248
00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:53,143
So was your mother.
249
00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:56,247
And the stuffin'
was all comin' out.
250
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:59,083
You knew her
better than me!
251
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:00,818
Edith, Edith, Edith!
252
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,387
All I gotta tell you is
I want the chair back here where it was!
253
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:04,888
- Yeah, it'll be here!
- Right where it was!
254
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:07,225
And until I see it back there,
you know what I'm gonna do?
255
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,892
I'm gonna pick out a spot
in this house,
256
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,729
I'm gonna pick out
the most uncomfortable spot in this house,
257
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,665
and then I'm gonna go
and put myself in that spot,
258
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:18,869
and I'm gonna torture myself
until you cry...
259
00:12:18,871 --> 00:12:22,439
or until I see that chair
back where it was.
260
00:12:22,441 --> 00:12:25,943
And until then,
this is my spot!
261
00:12:28,513 --> 00:12:30,381
Archie!
262
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,650
You better be careful!
263
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:36,687
I mean,
you wasn't this upset when you lost your father.
264
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:40,224
I didn't sit on my father
for 28 years!
265
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:43,293
Archie, please,
don't worry.
266
00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:45,596
Kressler's is
bringin' back your chair
267
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,832
and it's gonna be
good as new.
268
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:51,536
- I don't want Kressler's to put
no new stuffin' in that chair! - Oh, no, they won't.
269
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,337
I don't want Kressler
puttin' no benzene on that chair
270
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,673
and clean all the memories
out of that, Edith!
271
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:58,976
- [PHONE RINGS]
- I don't then to do nothing to take all the charm
272
00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:01,145
out of that chair, Edith!
273
00:13:01,147 --> 00:13:02,479
Hello? Oh, it's Kressler's.
274
00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:03,814
- Kressler's?
- Yeah.
275
00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:05,782
You tell 'em
to put three men on that chair,
276
00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:08,052
and carry it out careful,
don't drop it.
277
00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:09,686
And then when they
get it on the truck
278
00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:11,322
wrap it up in
one of them blankets
279
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,990
with all the padding
in there
280
00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:15,225
- I'll call you back.
- and tie it around there.
281
00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:16,760
What are you
hanging up for?
282
00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:19,363
You didn't tell 'em
what I told ya.
283
00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:23,767
- Archie,
they lost your chair. - Lost?
284
00:13:25,203 --> 00:13:27,704
Well, not exactly.
See, they gave it away.
285
00:13:27,706 --> 00:13:29,874
- They gave it away?
- By mistake,
286
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:31,241
with a pile of junk.
287
00:13:31,243 --> 00:13:33,310
Pile of junk?
288
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:35,813
My chair, junk?
I'll show you what's junk!
289
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,514
You wanna see junk?
There's junk!
290
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:39,149
Your chair--that's junk!
291
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:41,185
- No! No!
- That's what's junk, there.
292
00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:44,754
- The elephant is junk!
- No! Don't break my elephant!
293
00:13:44,756 --> 00:13:47,458
- Edith, the camel!
- No! No!
294
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:49,660
The camel is junk!
295
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,829
The gravy boat is junk.
296
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,164
- Edith! Edith!
- What?
297
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,066
Get me something to break,
Edith!
298
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,901
Get me something to break,
Edith!
299
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,471
Ah...
300
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:06,844
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
301
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:15,987
My chair is here?
302
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:20,257
Well, this is the address
that Andy gave me.
303
00:14:20,259 --> 00:14:22,793
How can this be
a junk shop?
304
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:25,796
There ain't no
"minorarity" peoples in here.
305
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:28,299
This is an art gallery.
306
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,201
This is "art"?
307
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,003
Modern art.
308
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,638
Oh, jeez,
excuse me.
309
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:38,008
Well, you see,
I read once that in modern art
310
00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:40,411
it ain't what you see,
311
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:44,948
but it's what it makes
you think you see. See?
312
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:48,152
I don't know
what the hell you see, but I don't see my chair.
313
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,254
Oh, look at this.
314
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:54,925
This looks like
the foot of a big bird.
315
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:58,362
I'm glad the rest of him
ain't flyin' over me.
316
00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:03,601
Archie, come here. Look.
317
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,003
[EDITH CHUCKLING]
318
00:15:06,005 --> 00:15:07,771
I don't believe it.
319
00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:10,574
What does this
remind you of?
320
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:14,678
Did you remember
to put the garbage out this morning?
321
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,949
It's absolutely
Lichtenrauch's most positive statement,
322
00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:21,118
and it's a steal
for 1600.
323
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,355
You're right,
I must have it. I'll take it.
324
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,657
Excuse me, pal,
mind if I ask,
325
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,792
did I hear you say just now
326
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:32,329
you was gonna
plunk down $1600 for this here?
327
00:15:32,331 --> 00:15:33,631
Certainly.
328
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,266
Why?
329
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,635
I'm a collector.
330
00:15:40,705 --> 00:15:42,072
Collect--
331
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:44,275
Somebody in a white coat
oughta collect him
332
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,577
and deliver him
to a rubber room.
333
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,812
Oh, look at this one!
334
00:15:48,814 --> 00:15:51,281
What is it, a sink?
335
00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:55,486
Looks like half man,
half toilet.
336
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,654
[LAUGHING]
337
00:15:57,656 --> 00:16:00,557
Oh...
338
00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:02,859
Where's my chair?
339
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:05,328
Look at this one!
340
00:16:05,330 --> 00:16:07,330
Holy cow.
341
00:16:07,332 --> 00:16:10,267
That's a little more
than whiplash, ain't it?
342
00:16:11,703 --> 00:16:14,070
Oh, my, this is fun!
343
00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:17,207
Oh, look, that one over there
ain't bad.
344
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:18,842
Don't leave me alone
in this joint, Edith.
345
00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:21,378
See, that's nice,
Archie.
346
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,280
Oh, gee...
347
00:16:37,929 --> 00:16:39,262
Here it is.
348
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:41,298
It's all fixed up,
nothin' wrong with it.
349
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,400
This is my chair.
My chair!
350
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:45,268
This is
your chair?
351
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,870
This is my chair.
352
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:49,606
You're a genius!
What style!
353
00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:52,776
The antiquing
of the fabric is fabulous.
354
00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,377
What did you use?
355
00:16:54,379 --> 00:16:56,680
Schlitz.
356
00:16:58,883 --> 00:17:00,150
Well, it's wonderful.
357
00:17:00,152 --> 00:17:02,686
It's wonderful.
It's wonderful.
358
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:03,687
Hi, Ma.
359
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,622
- Hi, Arch.
- Hi, Michael.
360
00:17:05,624 --> 00:17:07,057
I see you found
your chair.
361
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:08,926
We found the chair,
but how the hell--
362
00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:10,561
[LOWERS VOICE]
--how the hell am I
363
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,596
gonna get it from here
back out to Queens?
364
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:16,133
I borrowed a van,
but I don't know if we can take the chair off the exhibit.
365
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:17,501
You see,
the artist, Lichtenrauch,
366
00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:18,936
he got it from
Kressler's junk pile
367
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:20,738
and he made it into
a work of art.
368
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:24,108
Archie's chair
a work of art?
369
00:17:24,110 --> 00:17:25,809
Ha ha ha ha ha!
370
00:17:25,811 --> 00:17:28,111
Stifle yourself!
371
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,080
He might even put it
in a museum.
372
00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:32,650
No museum. It ain't
goin' no place but home.
373
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:34,384
Grab one end,
let's get it outta here.
374
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,453
- I don't think
you can do that-- - Don't argue--
375
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:38,221
Quiet! Quiet!
376
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:40,691
Off!
What's going on here?
377
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,025
What are you people doing?
378
00:17:42,027 --> 00:17:44,094
Did you come in here
to browse or to brawl?
379
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:47,965
I come in here
to collect my property, whoever you are.
380
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,366
This here is my chair.
381
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:51,301
Take your hands off
my work of art
382
00:17:51,303 --> 00:17:52,469
or I'll call the police!
383
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:54,338
Did you say this was
your work of art?
384
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,674
- Are you
Elvin Lichtenrauch? - Yes. Who are you?
385
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,275
Let me explain,
Mr. Lichtenrauch.
386
00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:00,945
You got this
from a junk pile by mistake.
387
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,581
This chair belongs to
these people over here.
388
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,516
Yeah, see,
here's the receipt
389
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,051
from Kressler's
furniture repair.
390
00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:10,354
Oh, brother. The minute
you make it to the top,
391
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:12,523
people come out of
the woodwork to rip you off.
392
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,024
Wait a minute.
393
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,193
Anybody's
a ripper-offer around here, it's you.
394
00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:19,863
For the past 28 years here,
this genuine, old-fashioned
395
00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:23,667
wingback heirloom chair
has been sitting in my,
396
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:26,403
what do you call,
drawing room, huh,
397
00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:29,606
until somebody come and took
it into this funhouse.
398
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,475
Do you realize
that this chair
399
00:18:31,477 --> 00:18:33,944
is gonna be part
of my one-man show
400
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,812
at the Museum
of Modern Art?
401
00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:38,282
Well, then my behind
is gonna be part
402
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,549
of your one-man show,
403
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:41,718
'cause my behind belongs
in that chair.
404
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,687
Elvin, they're here!
405
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:46,956
Excuse me. Elvin,
I just got a buyer
406
00:18:46,958 --> 00:18:49,326
for your New American
Gothic Chair.
407
00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:51,528
He offered us
$2500 for it!
408
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,297
Well, tell him
to forget it.
409
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,332
That man says that
that chair belongs to him,
410
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,334
and as far as I'm concerned,
he can keep it.
411
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,869
- You gotta
get that chair back. - I'll dig up another chair.
412
00:18:59,871 --> 00:19:02,806
The buyer will go 3000 for
the New American Gothic Chair,
413
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,309
and the New American
Gothic Chair includes that chair!
414
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,545
Just give him $100
for his cruddy chair and get rid of him!
415
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:10,280
All right. I'll try.
416
00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:12,449
[ALL CHATTERING]
417
00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,051
Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.
418
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:19,556
I'm willing to pay $50
for your chair.
419
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:23,260
Fifty dollars?
I'd rather burn it first.
420
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:25,429
I can see you're
a shrewd businessman.
421
00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:26,963
All right, one hundred.
422
00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:29,166
What do you think,
I was born--
423
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,268
- What day is today?
- Friday.
424
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,736
--yesterday?
425
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:36,640
Two hundred.
426
00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:38,642
Two hundred.
427
00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:39,777
Mr. Lickin--
428
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,511
- Lichtenrauch.
- Yeah.
429
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:45,148
See, we gotta get
a new chair to take its place,
430
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:49,519
and that would cost
at least $250.
431
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:51,288
All right,
little lady.
432
00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:53,591
Just for you: 250.
433
00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:55,492
Oh, thank you.
434
00:19:55,494 --> 00:19:57,962
$250?
I don't know, Edith.
435
00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:01,065
Archie, it's really
an old chair,
436
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,701
and it broke once,
it's gonna break again.
437
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:07,705
Arch, for $250 you can buy
a brand-new reclining chair
438
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,773
with invisible fingers
that vibrate.
439
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:12,509
I don't want no
invisible fingers in a chair--
440
00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:15,879
I get enough of them
on the subway.
441
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:18,048
Look, Mr. Archie,
I can't stand here
442
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:22,752
all day haggling with you.
250, take it or leave it, huh?
443
00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:26,056
Why should I take that?
I mean, a chair like this,
444
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,792
well, it's kind of like
a girlfriend, you know?
445
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:31,028
Why trade in an old one
that's comfortable
446
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:34,832
for a new one that might
give you a pain in the butt?
447
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:38,068
All right, 300, okay?
448
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,504
That way you can
get yourself a new chair, and $50 for your inconvenience.
449
00:20:41,506 --> 00:20:43,706
Three hundred dollars.
450
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:45,042
Hold on.
451
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,810
Four hundred.
452
00:20:48,179 --> 00:20:50,947
Oh, you got a deal.
Four hundred dollars?
453
00:20:50,949 --> 00:20:53,584
- You got a deal.
- Oh, good.
454
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,785
Four hundred dollars,
buddy, you got it.
455
00:20:55,787 --> 00:20:57,120
Hey, congratulations!
456
00:20:57,122 --> 00:20:59,656
You just bought yourself
a beautiful chair here.
457
00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:00,991
No, I mean it.
458
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,425
Get out of the way here.
459
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:04,361
And I mean not just
a work of art, see,
460
00:21:04,363 --> 00:21:06,663
for this is a chair
for sittin' in.
461
00:21:06,665 --> 00:21:08,031
Anybody can sit in that chair
462
00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:10,167
and enjoy himself
in that chair, you know?
463
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:14,504
Took me 28 years to put
all these personal indentations in this chair,
464
00:21:14,506 --> 00:21:17,140
and I indented 'em
in here myself, you know?
465
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:18,942
I enjoyed it.
466
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:22,312
Oh, I tell you,
the times this chair has saw.
467
00:21:22,314 --> 00:21:24,147
I mean, oh,
468
00:21:24,149 --> 00:21:25,749
watchin' the TV, you know,
469
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:27,050
sporting events,
470
00:21:27,052 --> 00:21:28,852
your bowl games,
471
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:30,453
your Super Bowl games there,
472
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:33,056
your World Series,
your fights,
473
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:35,425
your wrasslin'--
midget wrasslin'--
474
00:21:35,427 --> 00:21:37,861
and your presidential elections,
475
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:41,131
two of them good,
the rest "what the hell,"
476
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,100
TV entertainment--
477
00:21:43,102 --> 00:21:46,003
Hey, Milton Berle
made me happy in this chair.
478
00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:49,072
And Lassie made me sad
in this chair.
479
00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:50,507
And then...
480
00:21:50,509 --> 00:21:52,976
oh, Sammy Davis, Jr.
481
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:56,146
Sammy Davis, Jr. himself
482
00:21:56,148 --> 00:22:00,317
sat in this chair
over at my house.
483
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:03,353
And my little girl Gloria
when she was little,
484
00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:07,224
I give her her bottles
right in this chair.
485
00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:10,794
Oh, the fun I had with
my little girl in this chair.
486
00:22:10,796 --> 00:22:13,363
Yeah, so did I.
487
00:22:19,037 --> 00:22:23,106
You are a person
of very little quality, you know that?
488
00:22:24,809 --> 00:22:29,712
Not to mention
my little grandson Joey who I got, you know.
489
00:22:31,316 --> 00:22:34,717
Joey...
he played in this chair.
490
00:22:34,719 --> 00:22:37,687
And he spit up
in this chair.
491
00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:39,889
Oh, yeah, over and over.
492
00:22:39,891 --> 00:22:41,458
But you know, that's part
493
00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:44,861
of why you call it
your antique, ain't it?
494
00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:46,796
Yeah.
495
00:22:46,798 --> 00:22:49,699
Well, I'm sure gonna miss
this old chair.
496
00:22:50,901 --> 00:22:53,270
I'm really gonna miss it.
497
00:23:01,412 --> 00:23:06,016
Mr. Archie, you're not gonna
sell me that chair, are you?
498
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,521
I can't.
499
00:23:11,523 --> 00:23:13,856
I can't sell it.
I can't sell it.
500
00:23:13,858 --> 00:23:15,826
I'm awful sorry,
the deal's off.
501
00:23:15,828 --> 00:23:18,095
The deal's off,
forget about it, I'm sorry.
502
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:20,330
Hey, Meathead, come on,
before I change my mind,
503
00:23:20,332 --> 00:23:21,999
grab the chair
and get it out of here.
504
00:23:22,001 --> 00:23:25,302
- Help him with the chair.
- [EDITH AND MICHAEL TALKING]
505
00:23:25,304 --> 00:23:26,804
Hey, hold it.
Listen, listen.
506
00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:29,273
You're a nice guy,
sorry to disappoint you there.
507
00:23:29,275 --> 00:23:30,941
But hey, look--
508
00:23:30,943 --> 00:23:32,843
you're an artist, right?
509
00:23:32,845 --> 00:23:35,145
And you love
works of art like that,
510
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:39,416
you come out to my house,
go down to my cellar, you'll be delirious.
511
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,818
Well, listen, if you
change your mind, you let me know.
512
00:23:41,820 --> 00:23:44,488
My address
is 704 Hauser Street
513
00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:46,022
out in Astoria, Queens...
514
00:23:46,024 --> 00:23:48,458
[INDISTINCT]
515
00:24:12,383 --> 00:24:15,118
♪
516
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,588
All In The Family
was recorded on tape
517
00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:19,623
before a live audience.
518
00:24:19,673 --> 00:24:24,223
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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