Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ I am calling you ♪

♪ Will you answer to me? ♪

♪ How about a beer? ♪

Oh, Archie! You're home!

Oh, geez, Edith.

Oh, all right. Just give me a quick kiss, Edith.

You ain't washin' a car.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, guess what? I got the most wonderful surprise for ya!

I found it, Ma.

Oh, is this it?

Well, I ain't jumpin' for joy.

What are you doin' with my rake?

Well, I was just gonna borrow it to rake the leaves from my tree.

What am I supposed to do when the leaves fall off of my tree?

You don't have any leaves, your tree's dead.

Get away from me.

Let me tell you about my surprise.

I was in Ferguson's Market today, and guess what happened?

I'm too tired to listen, Edith.

I was standing at the checkout counter fillin' out my entry blank,

on account of Mr. Ferguson has this contest.

And every time you buy $10 worth of groceries,

you get another chance to enter.

What's the prize?

Don't egg her on, will ya, Meathead?

The first prize is one of them new showerheads

that gives ya a massage.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

When I take a shower, I want it to wash me, not give me a feel.

Well, anyway, I'm standin' there

and this man is standin' behind me.

And all of a sudden, he says, "Edith Baines!"

Well, I turn around to him and I says,

"I used to be Edith Baines, but now I'm Edith Bunker."

[CHUCKLES]

And he said, "I went to school with Edith Baines,

and I was brought up with an Archie Bunker."

So I says, "Isn't it a small world?

"I used to be Edith Baines,

and now I'm Mrs. Archie Bunker."

And then I recognized him.

Guess who it was.

I don't give a damn.

Oh, you better, 'cause I invited him to dinner tonight.

You what?

I invited him to dinner.

You invited him to dinner?

Why do you do these things?

You know I hate people in the house!

Can't you behave like the rest of the world

and be a little normal when you run into an old friend?

Don't you know what you're supposed to do?

You're supposed to say, "Hello, how nice it is to see ya.

We must make a date to meet each other some time again."

And then forget it!

Oh, Archie, it was Bummie Fensel.

Bummie Fensel?

Yeah!

Well, why didn't you say so? Bummie Fensel.

What's a Bummie Fensel?

A Bummie Fensel is a person, Meathead.

And a very remarkable person, too.

You should of knew him when he was a kid.

All us kids in the neighborhood,

we'd all chip in and get money.

And we'd pay Bummie just to see him eat.

He'd eat anything for money.

What do you mean "anything"?

Well, not like you cleaning out an icebox.

He'd eat interesting things.

He'd eat paper, cardboard, and insects.

Yeah, sometimes we used to call him "Bugs Bummie."

[ALL LAUGH]

That's right. We'd pay him a nickel, he'd eat a fly.

For a dime, he'd eat a short worm.

Yeah, when he said he had butterflies in his stomach,

he really did. Yeah!

Aw, gee, it'll be good to see old Bummie again.

I'm glad you invited him over, Edith.

And he's bringin' his wife.

Yeah, good.

Guess who he married.

A praying mantis?

No, Dolores Manchini.

Course now it's Dolores Fensel.

Uh, hey, Edith.

Maybe we shouldn't invite 'em over here tonight, huh?

Because, lookin' at the TV guide, you know what I'm reminded of?

You know what's on here tonight?

The Korean midget wrestlers.

They're wrestlin' in the finals.

They're wrestlin' in mud.

Oh, Archie, I already invited them.

Well, I know, but, Edith-- what are you gonna feed 'em?

Run down to the live bait store.

Oh, no. We got chicken.

Oh, Edith, Edith, come here a minute.

Come here a minute. Listen, do me a big favor, huh?

Get on the blower here and call 'em up

and kinda disinvite 'em, huh?

Oh, I couldn't do that, Archie.

I don't know their number, anyway.

They'll be here any minute.

Wait a minute. Wait--wait a minute, will you?!

Edith, all right, but do I really have to be here?

Oh, Archie, it's nice to see old friends.

It'll be fun. [CHUCKLES]

Don't worry.

Fun?

Holy cow, Dolores--

What are you lookin' at?

I don't understand you, Arch. What's with you?

What do you mean, what's with me?

You were all excited when you heard Bummie was comin' over,

until you heard he was bringin' his wife, too.

Dolores Manchini don't mean nothin' to me and never did!

You knew her in high school, huh?

Aw, geez.

I knew her barely, I mean I barely knew her.

You know what I mean.

Ya had a thing for her, huh?

Aw, come on.

Before you met Ma?

Listen, you. Come here.

I might need your help tonight,

so I gotta tell you something very personal. Archie!

Joe Louis was the greatest heavyweight that ever walked into a ring!

What do you think Bummie will like with his chicken?

Potatoes or spaghetti?

Give him the spaghetti, he likes anything that squirms.

This girl Dolores, when we was in high school,

she had a very big thing for me, you understand?

She really had the hots for me.

She'd have took me over Errol Flynn.

What are you sayin' that for? It's possible.

I ain't tellin' ya I was the greatest lookin' guy in school,

but I was at least in the top ten.

Don't say that no more!

Now, listen.

This whole thing started way back there.

It was a school picnic, see?

And all the kids, we went out to this Hanley Park.

And it was gettin' dark, and Dolores and me, we took a walk.

We went into the ballpark, see?

And we walked across there, and we got to the dugout.

Into the dugout, right?

All right, there we are. The two of us all alone and, well...

We was imminent together.

You mean you and she...

Don't do a thing like that!

But there's an important thing you gotta understand.

I didn't ask her for nothin'.

It was her that reduced me.

Yeah, I--I just can't believe it.

Why not?

Well, no, it's not that I can't believe it.

It's just that I always find it hard to picture you in bed.

Why?

I--I--I don't mean in bed.

I mean...in bed.

Don't do that no more!

Why? What, do you think that you invented this here?

This was around a long time before you.

That's how you happened to be born, ya dope, ya.

Now, listen. After that big night with Dolores, see,

she couldn't keep away from me.

After me the whole time, because it's like, you know,

when you give honey to a bear.

After that, they'd kill for more, huh?

So then when Edith got back, see--

Hold it, hold it. I gotta check on Edith.

Stay there. Stay there! Stay there!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Edith. Uh, hey, Edith.

Yeah?

What are you doin' here?

I'm fixin' the chicken.

Over there?

Yeah.

Stay there.

Arch, what do you mean "when Edith got back"?

You mean to tell me that you were foolin' around with Dolores

at the same time you were goin' with Ma? Shh.

No. No, not at the same time.

Edith was out of town.

Some rotten person tryin' to break the two of us up

took her away to Atlantic City.

What rotten person?

Her mother.

So because Ma was out of town for one weekend

you couldn't go a whole weekend without another woman?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I wasn't doin' nothin' with Edith.

Let me tell you somethin'.

I didn't touch Edith till after we was married.

But you touched Dolores.

Oh, well...

Certainly, certainly.

But then I wasn't gonna marry Dolores.

You don't marry a girl unless you have respect for her.

And who could respect a girl who would do a thing like that with me?

That is--that is so terrible, Arch!

That's the double standard!

Nothin' double about it, we done it once!

Once.

What I'm saying--

If it was wrong for her, then it was wrong for you, too.

No, it wasn't, stupid, I'm a man.

Men have got another thing.

They got--what do you call it? Carnival instinct there.

Women ain't got that.

Let me ask you somethin'.

Did you ever hear of chromostones?

No, I can't say that I have, Arch.

All right.

Well, keep your mouth shut, maybe you'll learn somethin'.

Chromostones is little chemical things

floatin' around the bloodstream of a man.

Them is the things that make a man need sex more.

But, uh, women don't have chromostones?

That's why they're women, dumbbell.

When I think of all the guilt, fears, and hang-ups

that were caused by just what you're sayin',

it's a wonder that any woman can have sex today and enjoy it.

She ain't supposed to enjoy it, she's supposed to sit still for it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

That must be them at the door.

Now, listen, this is how you gotta help me.

You go over there and get Gloria.

And the two of you come back for dinner.

Oh, no, no-- Yes, that's what you gotta do.

And steer that conversation.

The minute Dolores starts to talk about the old days or about sex,

you start talkin' about Watergate, you grate on that.

I'm not gettin' involved!

Wait, wait, wait!

I'm not gettin' involved!

Supposed Edith finds out about Dolores here.

How's she gonna find out?

By women's intermission!

I'm not gettin' involved!

Hey, wait a minute! That's it, Arch.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

See ya later, Ma. Have a nice dinner.

Wait a minute! Hey! So long, Arch.

Give me back my rake!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, there they are! Yeah, I know, I know.

Wait, I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it, Edith.

Ooh!

Will you let me out the door?!

I said I'd get it. Yeah, oh, all right.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

No, maybe you better get it.

Oh, all right. Yeah. No, no, no, wait!

They're waiting! Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.

I'm coming!

Oh, hello, Bummie! Hiya, Edith!

Come on in.

Hiya there, Bummie! There he is!

Hey, Bummie, how are ya? Hey, Archie, how are ya?

Geez, are you lookin' good! You are lookin' terrific!

Hey, you remember Dolores!

Oh, no, no, no.

Ugh! Sure you do, Archie!

Oh, yea--oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's been a long time!

And have we got a lot to talk about!

Oh, we sure do!

Don't we, Archie?

♪ ...high school ♪

♪ With your heart so big ♪

♪ Bum bum-bum bum bum bum ♪

♪ Would we lay our lives down for you? ♪

♪ We should hope to kiss a pig ♪

Tony Orlando and Dingbat.

Come on, Archie, you're not joining in the fun.

Don't you remember our school song?

I don't remember that. You know, I got no memory of them days at all, you know?

Ever since the war, everything's a blur.

Gosh, you don't remember all the fun we had?

I was never at a picnic in my life.

Dolores, I think I'll wash the dishes.

Would you help me? Sure I will.

You wash and I'll dry.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't go away!

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

Hey, Bummie. Yeah?

Just for old times sake, if I went up to the bathtub

and caught a thousand-legger, would you eat it?

Archie, I was 11 years old. I don't do that no more.

Oh, come on, come on. Tell the truth.

When was the last time you ate a bug?

December 7th, 1941.

What kind was it?

A Japanese beetle.

Yah.

Oh.

Uh, another thing I wanna ask you, Bummie,

is, uh--you and Dolores,

you know, when you're all alone

and you're talkin', like, in your privates, you know,

does Dolores do a lot of recollectin' about the past?

It's a funny thing, Archie.

All the recollectin' she does is about the past.

She's got a lot to recollect.

Oh, yeah.

She had a lot of friends.

She was the most popular girl in the junior class.

She was voted that.

She deserved that.

Was Archie wounded in the war?

Oh, yeah. Why?

He doesn't seem to remember anything.

He got a Purple Heart for getting a piece of shrapnel in his...

in his... [GIGGLES]

His butt?

Oh, yeah. [GIGGLES]

How would that affect his memory?

Yes, I think there's certain things that he don't wanna remember.

Edith, you're using Lemon Pledge on that pan.

Ohh! My goodness.

You have something on your mind?

Something on my mind? Never.

Ain't it funny the way people

sort of go separate ways after graduation?

Yeah. Whoever thought I'd marry Bummie Fensel?

Yeah.

I'm glad to see you're so happy, Edith.

Oh, thank you.

You know, we were two different kinds of girls.

What do you mean by "different kinds of girls"?

Well, when we were in high school, you know,

there were the girls who did and the girls who didn't.

Oh.

You didn't?

No.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

I didn't think you did.

Did you think I did?

Well, I didn't think you didn't.

Well, uh...

Dolores, I--I want to ask you somethin'.

You see, there was somethin' on your mind.

Oh, no, it ain't much.

It's just, well, you see,

one weekend, my mother took me to Atlantic City,

and, uh, when I got back, Alma Simpson told me that

you and Archie was with the other kids

at a picnic in Hanley Park.

Me and Archie?

Yeah.

At a picnic?

Mm.

Me and Archie? Yeah.

Gee, I don't remember that.

What happened?

Oh, well, uh,

she told me that it got dark,

and they ran out of weenies.

And Archie bought-- Archie bought you a fudgesicle.

And then the two of you took a long walk together

to find a place to throw the wrapper.

And you found a place.

We did?

Where?

At the baseball field.

In the dugout.

In the dugout?

Was that Archie?!

You don't remember?

Well, who can remember 30 seconds out of a lifetime?

[LAUGHING]

Oh!

Oh, Edith!

Edith, I hope you're not hurt.

Oh, I feel terrible! Oh, no!

Oh, I hope you'll forgive me!

Oh, I ain't hurt!

My goodness, it was so long ago.

There ain't nothi'' to forgive.

You didn't know what you was doin'.

Or who you was doin' it with.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that's it then, huh?

Oh, it's been a great evening, but I gotta get up early.

You know, the early bird catches the worm.

Watch it, Archie.

Oh, it was so good to see you, Edith!

We must do this again!

Edith, Edith, Edith.

Oh, yeah. We must make a date

to see each other soon again.

Terrific, Edith, terrific.

It was wonderful!

And, Edith, you're a swell person.

You really are. Oh, it was my pleasure.

Good-bye, Dolores. Bye, Bummie. Bye-bye.

Come back again! Good-bye, Edith.

Where's your car, Bummie?

Oh, I had to park it down the block.

Why don't you stay here, honey, I'll go get it.

Good-bye, Archie.

Yeah, yeah. So long there, old sport.

Nice to see ya.

It was a nice evening, Archie.

So good to see you again.

Oh, yeah, well, likewise, Dolores.

Brings back so many memories.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

Uh, hey, listen.

Uh, come here a minute.

I just wanna...

Uh, before you go,

I wanna thank you for not sayin' nothin' about, uh...

Well, you know.

No, about what?

Well, about long ago. You know, that certain night.

[CHUCKLING] Oh!

You mean the picnic. Yeah.

At Hanley Park. Yeah.

Yeah, you bought me a fudgesicle.

Hey, that's right!

And we couldn't find a place to throw the wrapper.

Yeah, that's right!

So we took a walk...

to the dugout.

Yeah, the dugout.

You remember all the details of that, huh?

So, uh, I must have got to you there, huh?

Archie, how could I ever forget you?

Well, I knew you couldn't.

Back in them days, uh,

I must have really been somethin', huh?

Oh, Archie, you were somethin' else.

Thanks, Archie, for a wonderful evening.

And a wonderful memory.

[HORN HONKS]

Take care of yourself, Archie.

Bye!

[HUMMING]

♪ I love the kisses on the... ♪

[HUMMING]

Well, Edith, they're gone.

Ain't they a nice couple?

Oh, yeah, they're a terrific couple.

And you was right, Edith.

It's a lot of fun to have old friends over for dinner.

Especially when they're old sweethearts.

What do you mean by that?

You and Dolores.

Uh...me and Dolores what?

You and Dolores at the picnic.

All right.

Uh, wait--wait a minute, Edith.

Uh...what picnic was that?

[CHUCKLING] Oh, Archie.

I know all about it.

Dolores told you, huh?

Oh, no, we was just talkin' over old times,

and it came out.

Listen, Edith, I... I wanna just...

Can I hold your hand?

Oh, sure.

Ahh.

Now, I just want you to keep calm,

get ahold of yourself, and please don't go to pieces on me, huh, Edith?

All right, Archie.

I just want you to know that what happened long ago,

that didn't have nothing to do between you and me.

Oh, I know that.

I wasn't even around. I was in Atlantic City.

Yeah, that's right-- that's right.

You was in Atlantic City, Edith,

and that's the reason it happened.

'Cause I was here in New York, I was all alone there, you know?

And there's times when men gets these here-- what do you call--surges.

All them... the chromostones boil over, you know?

You understand me?

No, but it's all right.

Well, all I want you to know is, Edith,

that no matter what ever happened back in them days,

that I always loved you.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, geez, don't go to pieces on me!

Oh, I ain't goin' to pieces.

I'm glad you got it off your chest.

And that's it?

That's it.

Oh, Edith. [CHUCKLING]

Oh, Edith, you're one girl in a million, you know that?

And you're a terrific wife.

Oh, you're a terrific husband. Yeah.

You know, lot's of ladies

would be here meltin' in tears.

But not you, huh?

No.

Why not?

Well, I figure that what you done

before we was married is your business.

Absolutely.

Just like what I done

before we was married was my business.

Absolutely.

♪

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0