Original subtitles

Well, Z.Z., what do you think?

He's absolutely gorgeous.

Just look at those nostrils.

Z.Z., darling, he's perfect for the part.

Don't you think so, Stewart?

Yes, splendid, perfectly splendid.

A bit tall.

Anyway, his looks are the most important thing.

This is a non speaking part, isn't it?

Your agent explained it was a non speaking part?

Oh, Z.Z. darling, this is the boy, I just feel it.

We test him.

Oh, I just know you'll be marvellous.

Action!

Non speaking.

A beautiful performance.

You were right.

Absolutely right, my love.

He makes an excellent corpse.

Excellent!

Mrs. Peel. - Sorry, Steed, I'm needed... elsewhere.

Where are we going?

North to Wittleshire Heath.

Find Fitzroy Lane, continue along it for five tenths of a mile, and stop.

And then?

I don't know.

I had an anonymous phone call, a man; I didn't recognize the voice.

He asked you to meet him? - Said it was a matter of life and death.

It could be a trap. - You could be right.

Just up there.

Five tenths of a mile.

False alarm.

Shall we go back?

Funny business. - Probably somebody's idea of a joke.

This voice, what did it sound like?

Hear it for yourself.

Hello? - Mrs. Peel?

Yes? - I have to see you.

It's imperative. - Who's speaking?

Take the road north to Wittleshire Heath.

Find Fitzroy Lane.

Now just a moment... - Drive exactly five tenths of a mile along it.

Then stop. I'll meet you there.

Who are you?

It's life and death, Mrs. Peel.

I must see you. - Now, listen... hello?

Recognise him? - No.

There is something vaguely familiar about the voice.

Well, if it comes to you in a blinding flash, let me know.

Meanwhile, what can I do for you?

Well, I dropped by to invite you out to dinner.

I thought we'd start off early, go down the coast.

I have to drive over and see a friend, but I should be back around five.

Pick you up around six.

Lovely.

I like her.

Thought you would. - She has poise, looks, animal vitality.

Animal vitality! That's exactly the word I was looking for.

She's right. Absolutely right.

I want her, Kirby. I want Mrs. Peel.

Three and six, lady.

Victoria Grove.

You're going the wrong way!

Hey!

Hey!

Yes?

Right.

She is right. Absolutely right.

Mrs. Peel?

We're waiting for you.

Steed?

Steed?

One purl, one plain.

Now, another one purl, and another one plain.

That's it.

One plain, one purl.

Who are you?

And what part have you played in that little tragedy back there?

Leave her alone!

I told you before. Stay away from mother!

Mother?

Can it be? Is it possible? Alexander!

Mother!

Oh, my little Alexander. - Mother.

Home from the wars.

Was it so... was it so terrible?

It was hell, Mother!

The noise, the people.

How... how you must have suffered.

Alexander, Alexander, Alexander. - Mother, Mother, Mother.

How has my wicked little sister been behaving?

She's evil. - I know, should we be rid of her, Mother?

Yes. - Should we be rid of her once and for all?

Yes. - Should I kill her for you, Mother?

Yes.

Yes, I will kill her, for you!

Well played! - Thank you.

Good! Good!

Mark it.

Tell you what:

I'll give you three seconds,

to get out of town.

One.

Two.

Three.

Draw!

Cut the playback. Beautiful.

Beautiful. Perfect. How are you, Kirby, huh?

Oh, perfectly splendid, old boy.

You're stupendous. You are stupendous!

Thanks awfully, Z.Z..

This will be my ultimate masterpiece. A compendium of all my fields.

A picture with passion, with horror, with danger.

And with Mrs. Peel in the lead... - Hadn't you better get after her?

No, she can't possibly get away from the studio.

There's no rush, no rush.

Now, Kirby, I want to talk about the next scene.

Now, I think we should play this with plenty of rage, you know?

Give it everything you have, you understand, huh?

Ready for your run down to the coast, Mrs. Peel?

Mrs. Peel?

Fitzroy Lane. - Now just a moment...

Drive exactly five tenths of a mile along it, then stop.

I'll meet you there.

Who are you? - It's life and death, Mrs. Peel.

It's life and death.

It's life and death, Mrs. Peel.

The substance of a great movie, is like a magnificent fabric.

Woven from here, and here, and here.

The rest, merely shadows. Brilliant shadows that I create.

And what about us? - You, you, my pets, are merely puppets.

Puppets? That's a bit thick.

Don't forget that you are still under contract to me, both of you.

That ridiculous small print.

You know, darling, we should have slaughtered that agent of ours.

Don't despair, and remember my promise to you.

This picture will restore you to your pedestals.

It will send you soaring once more, into that firmament,

that galaxy where the stars shine brightest.

So far we have created a confined, claustrophobic atmosphere.

Now, we must open the story out.

Give it a vista.

Give it air.

Troops.

Perish the Fr�ulein.

Cut!

Scenario!

Now, this is a very important part of the picture.

It should symbolize Mrs. Peel's descent into the realms of terror,

her confusion, her helpless efforts to escape.

You were supposed to win, Kirby.

Why didn't you tell her that?

Pink pages, Kirby, this will mean pink pages. I shall have to rewrite the script.

She went that-a-way. - Don't worry, she can't escape.

It's time I started planning the climax of this picture.

The agonizing climax. The real death of Emma Peel.

It doesn't flow.

And you, Kirby, lying there with eggs all over your face.

She's an Amazon.

We will have to retake it. - Retake it?

Retake the whole thing, but this time, you take care of her.

We will make it the last desperate struggles, but to no avail.

She succumbs, she is captured, she is in our power.

And then we kill her.

To work, my pets. Find Emma Peel for me.

Find her for me. - I am not a stunt man!

Amore. - Well...

Hey!

Am I glad to see you.

Me, madam? Why, this is a regular part of my patrol.

I suppose you have some authority for being here.

None at all, I was kidnapped.

Oh, kidnapped. Would that be one P or two, madam.

Two. And a man has been murdered.

Murdered. - Over here.

On one of the stages.

Come on.

Who is he?

I don't know.

A policeman? I didn't cast a policeman.

Well, you've got one now.

Very well, we'll write him into the script, and then write him out again.

Permanently.

All right, don't touch him. I'll handle this.

For a start I'll take a statement from you.

The only statement I've got to make is that the killer is around here somewhere,

while you're wasting time... - First things first.

Murder investigation.

Of course, you know usually I get shot down and killed before I arrive at the scene of the crime.

Pardon?

Invariably I'm shot as we arrive.

Perhaps you've seen me. No?

Look. Police car screams to a halt. Eager policeman dashes out.

Points to an upstairs room.

Of course normally I don't get as much screen time as that.

Usually I have to fall straight down as soon as I'm shot.

You're not a policeman.

Well, I am today.

Can't give it up, you see.

Yes, I must have played the policeman more than a hundred times,

back in the old days when the studios were flourishing.

Mind you, I never had as much dialogue as I had today.

Matter of fact I never had any, unless you count "ooh, ahh, ooh..."

You're a film extra. - Film artiste, please.

Backbone of the industry.

Where would your Roman orgies be without your film artistes, hmm?

And what are you doing here?

Well, I sneaked in.

I often sneak in, borrow my old costume, relive some of my happy memories.

You won't give me away, will you?

You got in through the wire?

Oh, yes, it was easy.

Then you can show me the way out.

Of course. - Well, let's go!

What's wrong with the main gate?

I've already told you. I was brought here.

Oh, yes, kidnapped.

No policemen in it, is there, because if there's any policemen in it, I'm free.

In what?

This film you're making.

Kidnapping, that's a crime.

Crime means policemen, I'm available, any policemen are wanted.

I am not making a film.

Come on, now.

Take a look at him.

He's very good, I'll give him that.

Specializes in corpses, does he?

He can't do anything else.

Of course it pays to specialize, and he is very good.

Take a closer look.

Very good. Marvellous breathing control.

He isn't breathing. - That's right.

He's dead. And if I'm making a film, where's the camera man and the director?

Yes, that is very funny.

It's not very funny. Come on, show me the way out.

Hi, O'Reilly.

You nearly had me fooled for a minute there.

Stewart Kirby.

I didn't even know he was still making movies.

He isn't.

You've been riding me too long, cop.

Lovely. Lovely style.

If it ever comes back.

Pity. This is curtains for you, cop.

He means it.

What? Lose my chance of doing a scene with Stewart Kirby? Please.

All right, throw down that gun.

You make me, cop.

Come on, this is your last chance.

That's for the wife and kids.

I'll meet you there. - Who are you?

It's life and death.

What to do? What to do? What to do?

That is the question.

That is the question.

To be, or not to be.

That is the question.

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles...

Stewart Kirby.

I told you before, stay away from Ma!

Can it be? Is it possible?

Edgar! - Yes, Ma, it's me.

Oh, oh, my little Edgar. - Oh, Ma.

Home from the wars.

Was it... was it so awful? - It was...

It was hell, Ma. The noise, the people, those darn yankees.

How you must have suffered.

Edgar, Edgar. - Yes, Ma.

Oh, Ma, oh Ma. - Edgar.

How's my baby sister been?

She's evil. - I know that, Ma.

Should we be rid of her, Ma? - Yes.

Shall I kill her for you, Ma? - Mm, hmm.

They taught me, Ma. Those darn yankees, they taught me.

Yeah.

I'll kill her.

For you, Ma.

Cut, cut, cut, cut! All right, Kirby, Kirby, much, much better, much better.

Prepare her.

Scenario.

We are now leading up to the climax of the movie.

The moment when the heroine is trapped.

And the diabolical arch fiend reveals to her his terrifying purpose.

Mrs. Peel.

Mrs. Peel?

I am Z.Z. von Schnerk.

Director, writer, producer, cinamist film maker extraordinary, and perpetrator of this plot.

What do you say to that? - We are just good friends.

A touch of humour, something the film was sadly lacking.

Excellent, Mrs. Peel, most commendable.

We are making a movie, Mrs. Peel.

And you are the star.

Unfortunately, it is a downbeat movie, as the heroine dies.

A tragedy, Mrs. Peel.

A drama, that will place me forever with the ranks of the immortal movie makers.

Confusion, desperation, fear, horror, death, and all of it authentic.

Filmed exactly as it happened. - That's what they all say.

I needed a woman like you, Mrs. Peel, a woman of courage.

Of beauty, of action.

A woman who could become desperate, and yet remain strong.

A woman who could become confused, yet remain intelligent.

A woman who can fight back, and yet remain feminine.

You, and only you, Emma Peel, had all these qualifications.

Your reputation preceded you, and you have lived up to it.

I hope you die as bravely.

I will make you famous, Mrs. Peel.

I will make you a star!

Posthumously.

The destruction of Mrs. Emma Peel, conceived by Z.Z. von Schnerk.

Written by Z.Z. von Schnerk.

Directed by Z.Z. von Schnerk.

A Z.Z. von Schnerk production.

How do you like the set, Mrs. Peel?

I designed it myself, to blend with the characters.

It is symbolic of the horror, the final horror which awaits you,

You must do it, do it now.

Yes, experiment, on living tissue.

She is beautiful. - Almost too beautiful.

Once, I was beautiful.

It was a long time ago, Natasha.

And you know what you do to beautiful things.

You remember in the cellar at Derbenhoffen?

This is no time to be sentimental.

But she has wronged you. - Yes.

And I must be revenged.

Yes, yes, I will fetch your knives, and your scarbers.

No, that would be too crude for her.

Her deaths must have more, more poetry in it.

It will take time, and yet be inevitable.

What do you think of that, meine liebsten??

I think I'm in danger of becoming a split personality.

Wait! Split personality.

That's a great line. We'll keep it in.

Action!

Oh, Herr Doctor, Herr Doctor, Herr Doctor.

Listen to me, Natasha.

We will do it together.

We? - Yes.

You said we? - Yes, we must be avenged.

Oh, Herr Doctor. - You have given me the courage to realize...

that my work must go on.

Together.

Herr Doctor, I love you.

I would go to the ends of the earth for you.

Yes, Natasha.

Now. - Now.

Now. - Now.

Now. - Now.

Now!

Now? - Now.

Now? -Now.

Now.

Oh, no, no, cut, cut, cut, cut!

That, that comes last.

Once you throw that switch, the film is over.

And we've only got one chance at that, now remember it.

Now, first of all, I want you to have some coverage gloating over your helpless victim.

Now come on, my pets, gloat eh, gloat!

Gloat all you like, but just remember: I'm the star of this picture.

Cut, cut! - How was it, Z.Z.?

Fine, my lovelies, fine, fine.

Now, to the last scene, and then the picture will be complete.

Where's the body?

What body?

The actor I auditioned and you shot.

Oh, that fellow.

We need him for the final sequence, find him, find him!

Where is he? - He's on the other set - follow me.

Yes, Damita, dear.

End sequence, Mrs. Peel.

Now, I tell you what, uh, you, you take his feet, Damita.

What? - I cannot do it, Stewart.

He's too heavy.

Maybe there's another wheelchair somewhere around here.

Oh, is there?

Now, you take his umbrella, Damita, and help me with his hand, will you?

Lift it, up. - Oh.

Goodbye, Mrs. Peel.

Magnificent.

It will pack out the art houses.

You are not feeling the part, Mrs. Peel.

I have a feeling I will be feeling it.

Ah, music! We need the right music.

Ahh! Mama mia!

Stop him, Kirby, stop him!

Don't! This is no prop, my friend.

This is real!

Now, this will mean a change of title,

to uh, The Destruction of Peel and Steed.

Steed!

Cut! Print...

Luckily I got here in the nick of time.

Otherwise, did you enjoy the picture?

Oh, not bad. At least it had a happy ending.

But my favourite bit, was the sequence where Kirby went...

Steed!

Steed!

What happened?

The chair was a real one.

Oh, Mrs. Peel.

Made up your mind?

Still looking.

Oh, here's one.

The film they said couldn't be made.

The heart searing story of an impossible forbidden love.

What's it called?

I was Napoleon's Nanny.

Lasagne 6�?

I walked out of it 3/8 of the way through.

There's an old Stewart Kirby movie at the Plaza.

Nights of Abandon at the Art.

The critics said it was unbridled, full of passions.

The screen explodes with sensuality, hailed as a masterpiece throughout the world.

It won a German award, it won a French award... it closed yesterday.

Oh, dear.

Unbridled passions.

Why don't we just spend the evening at home?

Why not?

Let's get back to my apartment.

subtitles by rick@peoplesguidetothecosmos.com