Original subtitles

Gotcha.

That's it, then. - Good night, Kermit.

I... I saw him. - Who?

I saw him, with my own eyes.

Who did you see?

He rose up out of the grave.

The duke. - What are you talking about?

The ghost of the dead duke.

I saw him. He's in there!

The ghost materialized itself somewhere near here.

Went for a nocturnal stroll, dropped into the chapel, and then dematerialized itself again.

Ghoulies and ghosties and things that go bump in the night.

Ding dong.

This ghost made more of a ding dong than a bump.

It started swinging on the bell rope, kicked up quite a racket,

loud enough to wake the uh...

well, pretty loud, anyway.

Was it just any old ghost or one person in particular?

Very particular: Montague Staplow, the 6th Duke of Benedict.

He died 1698.

Now this is the family graveyard, all the Staplows are buried here.

Not quite all.

Rupert Staplow, the fifteenth Duke of Benedict,

his body lies we know not where,

lost in the Benedict mine disaster.

This is to commemorate him and the brave men who died with him.

The Benedict mine disaster. That was about five years ago, wasn't it?

There were thirty men lost when the roof caved in.

And they were never able to get out.

The pit was sealed off and the mine closed down.

Well, that lets out Rupert, the Fifteenth Duke.

It couldn't have been him who popped up last night.

Do you believe in ghosts, Steed?

Someone does.

Kermit, the hermit.

You didn't answer my question. Do you believe?

Let's put it this way, strange happenings need looking into.

Now you stay here and browse around,

and I'll go and see Kermit the hermit.

Kermit?

Kermit?

Whoops.

That's not a very nice welcome.

I'd like to be left alone.

I'd like you to, oof... to tell me a ghost story.

Ghost?

Yeah, like the one you saw last night.

I didn't see anything; I had too much to drink.

When I've had too much to drink I see things, hear things.

Hear things?

Just go away, leave me alone.

I didn't see anything.

There wasn't any ghost. There never was a ghost.

The vibrations are marvellous.

Vibrations, they're all around us, my psyche is absolutely tingling.

Feel it? A sort of whoosh-mmm...

Splendid.

In fact I'd say it was the best whoosh-mmm... I've ever experienced.

I'm Mandy Mackay, of F.O.G.

F.O.G.?

Friends of Ghosts.

Yes, It's supery super natural here.

Whoosh-mmm...

Definitely.

Ghosts all around us.

Peel, Mrs. Emma Peel.

Mrs. Peel.

Yes, they're all here.

And friendly?

Oh, F.O.G. believes that all ghosts are friendly.

People are always being frightened of ghosts.

But have you ever considered that they might be frightened of us?

We do give them a terrible time, you know.

Hunting them, exorcising them.

Every time they take a little stroll, someone's liable to throw a blue fit.

Poor things.

How many ghosts have you actually seen?

Well, I haven't actually seen any.

But I've sensed them.

There's definitely one here, and I mean to seek him out.

With cant and mumbo jumbo.

With superstitious nonsense.

You!

Me, and I'm about to disprove all your silly little notions.

George Spencer. He's from S.M.O.G., Mrs. Peel.

S.M.O.G.?

Scientific Measurement of Ghosts.

A society that does not believe in ghosts, Mrs. Peel.

There's a scientific explanation to all hauntings.

And we find that explanation.

Scientifically.

We fight legend with logic.

Folklore with facts.

Cold clinical facts.

You may rest assured the dead Duke of Benedict does not walk this area.

Morning!

Lucky I was flying high.

Otherwise you would have winged me.

You saw the notice.

Back there, "Keep Out", you saw it?

Yes, yes. - Well?

Beautiful bright paint.

Excellent lettering, easy to read.

I would have preferred a 4 point Doric, myself.

But on the whole, I'd say, an excellent notice.

It meant what it said, "Keep Out".

Keep away.

You're in danger, of ruffling my feathers.

What's going on? Masgard!

Only a trespasser, your grace. Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Your Grace, the Duke of Benedict? John Steed, there's a business matter.

Is there somewhere private we can talk?

Certainly.

When I have laid all this out, the trap will be set.

Do you really think you'll catch something?

I have caught things before.

But only hoaxers.

Practical jokers.

Never a real, genuine ghost.

Well, if you can't resonate one, you can always cut him down to size with that sword.

You're both unbelievers.

You've got be in sympathy.

Without sympathy you won't see anything.

I fear you're right. It'll be a long, cold fruitless vigil.

Do you intend staying here all night?

At least until midnight, the witching hour.

I must apologize for my estate manager.

He takes his duties rather seriously.

This delightful claret fully makes up for his discourtesy.

I thought it might.

Tell me now, Steed, what do you want to see me about?

Ah. Who's this?

Oh, that's poor old cousin, Rupert.

He died in the mine disaster, didn't he?

Yes, poor fellow.

He was taking some visitors around at the time and the roof caved in.

And the Fifteenth Duke was no more.

And the Sixteenth took over.

Right.

What a fine old house.

Ah.

Now, look here, Steed, what is this business of yours?

My business is shooting.

Shooting?

Well, I heard the game around here was very good.

So I thought I'd ask your permission to roam around and bang away at it.

I'm afraid that would be quite impossible, Mr. Steed.

We've had so much poaching this year the game is very scarce.

I'm sure you understand.

Oh yes, yes, poachers, hoards of them.

I'm terribly sorry, my dear chap.

Well, it wasn't a wasted visit, anyway.

And access to your cellar.

Cellar?

Do you mean he's been down... do you mean...

He's referring to the wine.

It's an old English custom to refer to one's wine stock as one's cellar.

Bur perhaps he's um...

he's unfamiliar with old English customs.

Well, it's been awfully nice meeting you, Steed.

I hope you'll come back again when we're not so busy.

Sun tan lotion?

About a ton of it.

And that's not all. - No?

The duke's estate.

Hotly defended by gamekeepers.

Isn't that their job?

Yes, but not when they shoot at things out of season.

What's out of season, now?

Me. And that's not all.

There's a very strange chap called Masgard - he works for the duke.

He was very nervy when I mentioned the wine cellar.

Which wine cellar?

The duke's.

And you think there's something nasty in the duke's wine cellar.

Could be.

Well, what's it to be? Same again?

Same again, please landlord.

What did you find out?

Nothing. - Nothing? Nothing at all?

Just a couple of ghost hunters.

One of them's keeping a twilight watch at the chapel now.

First, there's Spencer of S.M.O.G.. S.M.O.G.?

S.M.O.G.. He does it all by science.

Then there's Mandy Mackay of F.O.G.. F.O.G.?

F.O.G.. She does it all by... ah, Miss Mackay!

I was just telling Mr. Steed about the Friends of Ghosts.

Mandy Mackay, John Steed. - How do you do?

Hello.

Do you believe in ghosts, Mr. Steed?

That sword!

It's uncanny.

Unbelievable.

Supernatural.

It's an omen. A bad omen.

Hooper!

Hooper! - All right, all right, keep your voice down.

I want two bottles.

Two bottles of the usual.

No, not me usual.

Something a little better.

Something a bit more quality.

That's mine, I earned it.

Earned it? How did you earn it?

I didn't do any harm. Just told a lie, that's all.

About the ghost. - You said there wasn't a ghost.

That's the lie I told.

It was a ghost all right.

Saw it with my own eyes.

But he paid me to say I hadn't seen it.

Who paid you?

Him, up at the duke's.

Masgard. Masgard paid me.

You are quite correct, Mr. Steed.

I did pay Kermit to keep his mouth shut.

Why?

I really don't see that that has anything to do with you.

But I don't mind telling you.

This story about a ghost.

Let a thing like that spread, and people will come here from miles around.

Hundreds of them, maybe thousands.

It could ruin the estate.

Frighten the game away.

And as a sportsman I'm sure you share my concern for the game.

So I paid Kermit in order to stop the story before it started.

Satisfied?

As a sportsman, let's just say I share your concern for the game.

Right, ready when you are.

I still don't think you should come along.

Nonsense. If you're going to keep watch, so am I.

You, an unbeliever?

A disbeliever. It's not quite the same thing.

I'm sceptical, but I could be convinced.

I still don't feel any sympathy.

Spencer wasn't in sympathy with the ghost, but it put in an appearance for him,

with a vengeance. Shall we go?

You must promise to do as I say, if a ghost appears.

You tackle his legs, I'll bash him over the head.

That is unless he's got it tucked underneath his arm.

It's cold in here.

That isn't the cold.

It's the vibrations.

They're all around us.

Stronger than ever.

The usual? - In a minute.

What do you know about the Duke of Benedict?

This one? No backbone.

Rupert now, the Fifteenth Duke, he was a real man.

Things were different when he was alive.

It was a terrible disaster when we lost him like that.

What happened exactly?

We never did find out for sure.

Mr. Rupert was showing off some of his mining techniques to a party of more than thirty.

Mining experts, most of them.

Pitfall. The roof caved in.

They never got them out?

So they closed the mine.

And made it a sort of tomb for them all.

There's a draft coming from somewhere. Do you feel it?

It's the door.

No, it's closed.

So it is.

It's coming from somewhere.

Somewhere over here.

What about Masgard?

What about Masgard?

Well, where was he?

When?

When the mine caved in.

No idea. He's only been here a month.

He's very familiar with the Duke, if he's only been here a month.

Isn't he, though.

Well I better be going, if Mrs. Peel comes in, you'll...

Mrs. Peel went out to the chapel.

She's keeping watch.

What happened? What is it?

The ghost.

It took her.

It took Mrs. Peel.

That's better.

Now just calm down and tell us what happened.

We were standing there, then there was this bright light.

And there he was. - Who was?

He was. The g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g...

...ghost. The ghost of the duke.

Rising up from his tomb.

All white, and transparent.

Transparent?

You could have read a newspaper through him. - Could you?

Go on.

He stretched out his arms, moved towards Mrs. Peel,

and, and then... - And then?

And then I ran.

And Mrs. Peel?

Didn't run.

I say! I've actually seen my first ghost!

My dear fellow.

I've just heard. - I've seen my first ghost.

I'll do everything I can to help.

I've seen my first ghost, my very first ghost.

My people are searching the whole area.

They'll work all night if necessary.

My first ghost. - She's seen her first ghost.

Funny business.

Hilarious. - I've actually seen my first ghost.

Keep at it.

Ah, my dear chap.

No luck, I'm afraid.

That's a relief. - Eh?

I don't relish finding Mrs. Peel in a graveyard.

No. No, no, of course.

So, we'll keep at it, what? See what we can dig up.

I mean, see what we can find.

They won't find anything here.

It's the wrong place.

They should try the mine.

That's where the others are.

Others? What others?

Ah, ah. You have to offer some information.

Now you said the others were here.

What others?

The Fifteenth Duke, Mr. Rupert.

And those that were with him.

What, you mean the men that died in the mine disaster?

They're not dead.

They're still here.

Down there.

All right, that was five years ago, they died, five years ago.

They're still alive.

Alive. Down there.

I heard them. - Heard what?

Them, down there.

Trying to tunnel out. I heard them, tapping.

Why is this light on?

Who's been down here?

I expect they've been shifting the gear around.

And who run the graveyard a bag of beef.

An unnecessary bit of theatricality on your part.

But I thought that you'd think...

You're not required to think, but to do as you're told.

Well, it seemed like a good idea to help Steed...

Any more good ideas, and you'll have to go underground for a while.

Well, I'm awfully sorry.

You're late.

Sorry, there was... - All right, all right, hurry it up.

You weren't serious about sending me down below, were you?

I mean, you wouldn't...

What do we do now?

You will come to learn we never panic.

There is a solution to every problem.

All right, all right!

What's up?

I want to get down the mine.

You what?

Is there someone in the village who can take me there?

Look, is there someone who knows how?

Well, there's me.

Oh, good.

Yeah, I worked in that mine for ten years.

Then you can take me down, can't you?

No.

Not there. - Why not?

There's nothing mortal scares me, but that pit's a tomb.

An evil place. - Oh, come now.

No.

But I'll send you down, I'll operate the cage.

But I stay on top.

Fair enough.

I suppose there's a good reason?

Let's say there's the uh... ghost - of a good reason.

I thought so.

It's about the haunting, isn't it, and Mrs. Peel?

I'm coming with you.

Absolutely no.

Well, I couldn't dare not go. I'd be drummed out of F.O.G..

You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?

Now look here, Miss Mackay, if you think you can make me change my...

that you can twist me around your...

by rolling those... beautiful blue eyes of yours...

They're grey, actually.

So they are. They're soft grey, I love the way...

No! No! No!

You let me go first.

That wheel hasn't turned in five years.

That's the theory.

Cage is over here.

Squad, halt!

Right face!

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, fire!

Quick, march. Left, right, left, right, left, right...

It's a marvellously spooky atmosphere.

But no whoosh-mmm.

I mean who ever heard of a subterranean ghost.

A ghost is a spirit of the dead, isn't it?

Well, there must be at least thirty dead somewhere down here.

All right, Hopper, who's down there?

Don't be heroic, I asked you a question.

Steed and the girl.

Girl?

Miss Mackay. She's with him.

Is she now?

Get an axe, cut through the cables.

Well, we must have walked miles.

About one mile.

Don't you think it's far enough, there's nothing down here, Steed.

Sh, sh. - What is it?

Listen.

I don't hear anything.

It stopped now.

But it came from over there, I'm sure of it.

This could be the rock fall that trapped those men.

If it is, there must be solid rock all the way back for miles.

I mean they didn't get out, did they?

Rupert!

That's right, Steed.

Rupert. The Fifteenth Duke of Benedict.

I had hoped you wouldn't get this far.

But you have. And now you must stay.

You! I've seen your name on a grave.

Perhaps I am dead. Perhaps we're both dead.

And this is some kind of hell.

Most of the others are dead.

The men who were with you.

Yes, there were more than thirty of us. Now, there are just five.

Just five. All the others are gone.

And that's their only monument.

They kept us down here to build that.

Down? What do you mean "down"?

That street you see. Have you the faintest idea where we are?

We're more than a mile and a half underground.

The sunlight is provided, so is the fresh air.

But why? - Well you may ask, Mrs. Peel.

Out.

Masgard. I don't think we've had the pleasure.

Pleasure?

I've heard all about you, Mr. Masgard.

Your friend, Mr. Steed.

Yes.

And what do you think of our arrangements?

Of course you can only see a small part of it from here.

A very small part.

But beyond that street is a complete town.

Shops, cinemas, recreation parks.

Every amenity.

You look surprised.

I am.

I know there's a population problem up top, but I don't see the point in...

in building a town underground.

Well, it's quite simple.

If an army of men is to stay under the earth for ten, perhaps fifteen years,

they will need every comfort.

It's absolutely essential for their morale.

So that they are perfectly ready when needed.

An army? - Quite soon, yes.

Our town is fairly empty at the moment. We're operating with a minimum force.

But within a month, we will have a population of over 20,000.

Trained, fighting men, with their families.

And they, and all the supplies they need,

will be brought here by submarine.

A submarine?

To a coal mine?

It's only a few miles to the coast.

You've got to have a tunnel.

We have a tunnel.

It's nearing completion at the moment.

A tunnel from here to the sea.

So the mining disaster was a fake.

We had to have the top men for our task.

Mining experts of the highest degree.

And Geoffrey, the Duke of Benedict?

An outer cover man, I think he might be called.

It's very difficult for us to go up on top.

You get so pale living down here.

I would not have gone up if...

if Rupert hadn't escaped and started the ghost scare.

Exactly.

It's far too elaborate for a private fantasy.

It is neither private, nor a fantasy, Mrs. Peel.

My country plans ahead.

And one day soon, we will decimate your country.

Up there.

But down here, we will escape the effects of the radiation,

and one day, our army will move.

It will rise up into the cold fresh air, and Britain will be ours.

But that is for the future.

We still have a few problems of the present to take care of.

Yes, they are taking him to be shot.

Execution squad, halt!

Right face!

It's customary to ask, do you have any last request before you...

Yes, would you cancel my milk?

Last cigarette?

No, thank you.

Oh, do you mind if I do?

Not at all.

It's important to do these things well.

Yes. Thank you.

Blindfold?

I think so.

No peeping.

We're ready. - Good.

Right. I'll see to it straight away.

Execution squad, prepare to take aim.

One,

two,

three,

four,

five,

six,

seven,

eight,

nine,

fire!

For that you definitely get a mention in my will.

Did the whole of your past life flash before your eyes?

Yes, infinitely enjoyable.

You know what's going on here.

I've a good idea.

Highly antisocial. - Agreed.

It's got to be stopped. - Yes.

We've had special instructions to bury you.

Not just yet, thank you very much.

Now, who knows a way out of here?

There are only two ways out.

The shaft itself, and the main exit.

Exit. Ah! Now that's a word I approve of.

Now that's a good word: exit.

From the Latin Exodus, "to de part from, to leave, to escape".

"To follow me." Are you coming?

Call out the guard!

This runs up to the lower level.

After that there are tunnels leading to various exits.

The Benedict wine cellars, the graveyard, the chapel.

This is the only way up?

Yes.

How about cutting one or two wires?

Wait until we're on top.

They thought they were building a refuge, but in actual fact...

they were building a trap.

I wish to make this quite clear: they will be found.

Every inch of the city will be turned out.

It's not working!

The mineshaft. If we hurry... - Shut up!

I cut the cables.

You frightened him.

Poor dear, he thought he saw a ghost.

Well, breakfast at the pub.

That's the spirit.

Found the trouble?

Not yet, sir.

Ah.

Yes?

No.

This might be it. - What?

Don't move, sir. Don't you even breathe.

Very delicate piece of mechanism, this.

Trouble?

Thought so. There's your trouble, sir.

Ghosts, sir. You got ghosts in your engine.

Ghosts?

Mrs. Peel?

Pax?

Sir?

subtitles by rick@peoplesguidetothecosmos.com