Original subtitles

Percy Danvers, undercover man, he tried to phone me a little while back.

Have you any idea what he was working on?

Well, it might have been anything; he covered a very wide field.

Bird seed?

Bird Seed!

What on earth? - Was he interested in bird watching?

I don't think so. He had a lot of interests.

I didn't realize they included bird watching.

Tweezers.

Tweezers.

Eye glass.

Eye glass.

Hammer.

Hammer.

Pin.

Pin.

Carry on.

Next.

Next.

Steed, do you really think they can be carrying messages inside one of these seeds?

Or micro container or miniaturized transmitter.

Do you know they brought over the whole eastern rocket program in the eye of a needle?

Ingenius.

Except for the fact that the courier lay down and rested in a haystack.

You mean they... - are still looking for it.

Now I can't leave anything for chance.

Because Danvers was carrying these, must have some significance.

Phone.

Phone.

Hello?

Yes, he's here.

It's for you.

Steed here.

Oh yes, when?

Where?

I'll be right over.

Pathological lab.

They brought in someone who worked with Danvers.

Door.

Door.

Try that bit over there.

I was afraid so.

We shared the same tailor, it's him alright.

Who?

Frank Elrick. He was engaged on counter counter counter espionage.

Well, somebody countered his counter.

Where was this found?

In a contractor's yard, and just in time.

In another hour or so, and he would have been the cornerstone of a new supermarket.

Poor old Frank, he was a pretty solid sort of type.

He still is.

Muswells Back.

When did he leave?

Muswells Back. It's a stretch of land near here.

They've just completed a new missile installation.

It's supposed to be top top top secret.

Well Elrick was a counter counter counter espionage spy.

Aerial photo?

Flying is supposed to be forbidden around here.

Now, in the wrong hands, these prints...

But that's all they are, Steed, prints.

Without a negative, these are no good.

Frank must have been close to finding them, so they...

Pearson.

Frank's partner.

Now whatever Frank knew, he'd know: Pearson, Mark Pearson.

It's your sister I'm waiting for.

Pearson lives up there.

Pigeons.

Stool pigeon.

Mark?

Steed.

Muswells Back, missile base.

Photos Aerial photos.

Yes, we know about those.

Information, being taken out of country.

Taken east.

Who's taking the information out?

Pearson, who is he? Who's the courier?

Crusoe.

Captain Crusoe.

Captain Crusoe?

You do it?

Yeah.

You have all the fun.

Commander? Verret here.

Yeah, okay.

Pearson had some callers though: a man and a woman.

Yes, I recognize the man.

John Steed.

Yeah.

Right.

I'll deal with it.

No, Crusoe. Captain Crusoe.

Yes, I'll hold on.

There's no Captain Crusoe on the current army or navy lists, they're checking back.

Heathcliff Hall. - Do you think it's important?

Yes? Still no luck? Well, check pre-World War One.

Dead end, eh? Oh, and another thing,

you better get Pearson's body discreetly out of here. Good luck!

Yes, I'll be here when you arrive.

It's Steed we want. The commander said nothing about the girl.

She's a looker. - Yeah.

Where do you think she's off to?

Hello.

Good morning.

Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?

I'm most terribly sorry, I was expecting someone else.

Who?

A whole company of Marine commandos?

My name is Steed, John Steed.

Sam, Samantha Slade.

Well, how do you do?

Your photographs hardly do you justice.

Oh those? Oh, Mark will leave them lying around the place.

Where is he, by the way.

Mark? Oh, he popped out for a while.

Popped out?

Well, what about our lunch date?

Lunch, oh, of course, lunch date.

He had a business appointment, it was rather urgent.

He asked me to give you his sincere and abject apologies.

He asked me to take you out to lunch myself.

At least I'm sure he would have done that had he remembered.

Well?

Well, well, I'd be delighted to come out and have lunch with you.

It is my pleasure.

You can tell me about Mark and yourself.

Mark?

I've been abroad for some time, lost touch with him.

You can fill in the gaps, tell me what he's been up to.

The exhibition doesn't open until later today.

Oh well, the door was open so I...

Open? Unsecured? Which door?

Don't move!

Doors and windows shut, door open here.

The entrance door. I shut it behind me.

Oh, forgive me.

The idea of a door open here.

These exhibits are priceless.

I check every latch, every fastening personally.

Twitter. - Hm?

Twitter.

I'm afraid bird impersonations are hardly my line.

Oh no, no, you misunderstand.

I am Twitter, Edgar Twitter.

Organizer of this feathered array.

Oh, Peel, Mrs. Emma Peel. - Oh, how do you do?

Yes, superb specimens of ornithological opulence.

And these are all yours?

Oh alas, no. Many are on loan from private collections.

The Duke of Duffup, for instance.

The Lady Cynthia Cashwash.

Captain Crusoe?

You are aquainted with the good Captain?

Oh, vaguely. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend...

He's an absolutely splendid chap.

That reminds me, I haven't paid my respects to him this morning.

You mean he's here?

Would you like to meet him?

Oh, I'd love to.

His quarters are this way.

Healthy appetite.

Verging on immortality.

But you were telling me about Mark.

Well, there's nothing more to tell, really.

I mean we get on well, go places, meet people.

He's got a lot of friends?

Enough.

Including Captain Crusoe?

He does know a Captain Crusoe, doesn't he?

What's the time?

Oh, I must fly.

I'll give you a lift.

Off his grapes this morning.

Good morning, Cunliffe.

This is Mrs. Peel, George Cunliffe.

How do you do? - How do you do?

George tends to all my P.R. work.

Travel arrangements and so on.

Have you looked in on the Captain yet?

Ah, no, not yet, sir.

Quite right, too.

He gets a little broody if we disturb him too early.

Mrs. Peel is very anxious to meet the Captain.

Oh, certainly, sir.

Come along Captain Crusoe, look alive there, show a claw.

You mean Captain Crusoe's a bird?

Oh, not just a bird, Mrs. Peel.

A king, an emperor among parrots.

Well, the bird has flown.

He's gone!

The Captain's gone!

What am I going to tell the owner?

It's a lovely car.

Why do you have straps on your bonnet?

To keep it on.

Oh.

Well, how many gallons does it do to the mile?

You mean, how many miles does she do to the gallon.

Well, thank you for the lunch, anyway.

No, no, no, it was a pleasure.

Yeah, hold it there.

Now um, extend the legs.

Yeah, wriggle them.

Again.

Again.

Sam!

Tom Savage, John Steed. Mr. Steed's a friend of Mark's...

Well, I must say you're a cut above the ones they usually send, very superior.

I know, but he's not a model, he's...

Sam, you're late, get changed.

Um, your clothes will do fine. - Yes, but you're making a mistake. He's...

Sam, I said get changed.

Here look, I've got all the time in the world; it's quite all right. There's your bag.

Now, where do you want me?

Um... over here; you won't need these.

Now, then.

Could you um...

Could you extend, well, incline this way a bit.

Yup, face up.

Chin up. Left foot back about four inches.

Yeah, left arm out.

Right arm out. Now, could you look less serious, more sombre?

You're very well equipped. Do you do your own processing?

Yeah, now, left foot in about four inches.

Four inches. Yeah, we've got our own dark rooms.

Much commercial work?

Well, if they can afford to pay my price I'll do it; that's the only criteria.

Aerial photography? - Aerial photography?

Tom, I'm ready.

Yeah, um, over here, Sam, over here, it's a sitting one.

On the left, on the left.

No, no, no, clear the shoes, clear the shoes.

Uh huh, that's going to blend very well.

We don't even have to press the trousers.

Did Mark come here?

Only to pick me up.

Face me.

You ask a lot of questions, Mr. Steed.

I'm an inquisitive fellow.

That's good, Sam, good.

Back a bit.

No, no, no, just the fellow; stay where you are, Sam.

I can't see him. - Ah!

Uh huh.

You have to turn away a bit.

Uh huh, hold, hold that.

Look down a bit.

Not too much.

Now look away.

Now come back into it.

Yeah, that's fine, now hang on.

Could you go back about a foot?

That's too much, hang on.

Yeah, that's all right.

Faces up.

Now, look at each other.

That's all for you. Next costume, Sam.

Fixed him.

How?

An impact grenade.

It will go off the moment he opens his umbrella.

And it looks like rain.

That was very good, very good, worth a bonus.

Oh no, the experience was enough, most exhilirating.

Apart from that, what sort of a day have you had?

Laden with suspicion.

And a girl called Sam.

Samantha Slade.

She claims to be a friend of Mark's.

Oh?

She works for Tom Savage, photographer.

He employs models.

Long legged pulchritude with whatever face and posture they are wearing this year.

Do you get my meaning? - I see.

You want me to infiltrate.

Insinuate.

And use those big beautiful brown eyes to keep an eye on our girl, Sam.

All right. I located Captain Crusoe.

But the perch was empty.

Literally. Captain Crusoe is a parrot.

A parrot?

A very fine one: a prince among parrots.

But Mark said that Crusoe was the courier.

Well, maybe he was a courier parrot.

Anyway, he's disappeared.

He was stolen last night.

Birds. It's been bothering me, the height that these aerial photographs were taken.

Oh, I'd say about a hundred feet or so.

But that's impossible.

A plane as low as that'd be bound to be detected.

Well, it has to be a plane, what else is there?

Ooo...

What uh, what are we advertising?

Eh? Oh, um, heavy agricultural equipment.

That's why I wanted the hat, see?

No. - It's symbolic, of course.

Heavily. - Do you think it's a little too un-subtle?

Not uh, over obvious.

Ah! This will divert the eye.

Add a touch of humour, do you think?

Have them in stitches.

I like it, I like it; in fact I think it's great.

I might keep this one for my own exhibition.

Call it Fred eighteen hour and three quarters.

That's my real name.

I changed it to Tom because Fred's a bit plebian, you know.

I know.

Ah, there's something missing.

No.

The prop! The most important prop.

Sam said she'd bring it round. Where is she?

Sorry I'm late, Tom.

Here we are.

No don't forget you promised to look after it because it's very, very valuable.

All right, Sam, I promise.

Tom, this bird is irreplacable, it's priceless.

Well, this looks about right.

We'll take a reading.

Well, there she is; what do you make it?

It's due northwest, on the button.

This is right, then.

Nice clear day, too.

Good flying weather.

Go on.

Go on!

Due northwest.

Right over the missile installation.

Verret? - Hm?

Oh, that's not one of ours.

It came out of the basket.

Then where's it flying to?

Hello old boy.

There we are.

Had a good flight then?

Where is it?

Ah, got it.

In you go.

Temporarily grounded.

Very handy for holiday snaps.

Preset to start snapping once you're airborne.

For that, a little present.

Well, now we know how it's done.

The question is...

Well, that's about it, thanks.

You'll never get away with it.

That's what the parrot symbolizes in the photographs.

The caged creature. The bird mouthing empty phrases.

Sums up the whole state of mankind.

Well, this bird doesn't mouth empty phrases.

He hasn't said a word all day.

Perhaps he's a thinker.

Well, I'll return it for you.

To Sam Slade, I can drop it in at her place on the way...

Oh, no. This parrot doesn't leave the studio.

I promised Sam.

Besides, I'm going to need it again tomorrow. It stays here.

Tom, I'd like some prints of the pictures you took today.

Anything in particular?

Oh, I don't know, a couple of poses, me and the parrot.

You and the parrot?

Quite impossible, Mrs. Peel.

To say whether this is the Captain Crusoe or not - quite impossible,

without actually seeing the bird.

But surely the markings...

The plumage is very like Captain Crusoe's, very like.

But then there are probably 10,000 birds just like this.

Precisely.

What makes you think this bird is Crusoe?

Well, I'm just guessing.

Can you bring him here, so I can make an identification?

Well, I don't think...

Where is the bird now? - Oh!

Tom Savage?

Supposing I were to bring the bird here.

Then I could make an identification.

But you must bring the bird here, Mrs. Peel.

If only you could talk.

We can't leave her to talk.

No, we need an alibi.

A cast iron alibi.

Tie her to the chair.

Hello? - Mrs. Peel?

Steed, this is a pre-recorded message.

The time is 7:45.

And I'm just on my way back to Tom Savage's studio.

He has a parrot there. Sam Slade lent it to him.

Now, it may or may not be Captain Crusoe.

I mean to find out.

Message ends.

10:30.

7:45!

The first person to come through that door... - does the job for us.

New habit: climbing through windows.

Lucky for you I'm a devious fellow.

I've pulled a few strings in my time, but that one...

would have had explosive repercussions.

A tried and tested pick-me-up.

I always recommend it to my friends...

after they've been tied to a chair, facing a lethal booby trap.

Especially after they've been tied to a chair, facing a lethal booby trap.

Cheers.

Go ahead, build you up.

That's just the point.

What is it building me up for?

The job in hand.

And what is that?

You are to find Captain Crusoe.

Everything seems to revolve around that parrot.

Who knew he was at the studio?

Tom Savage, and Sam brought it there.

And Twitter, I told Edgar J. Twitter.

And what's he like?

Average height, brown hair, thirty-ish.

Dangerous?

Could be.

Have another drop, Mrs. Peel.

Of course I knew about the bird, Mrs. Peel.

You told me yourself. - You mentioned it to no one else?

Well. naturally not, since your report that the bird had been located was unconfirmed.

Now if you'll excuse me, we're extremely busy; the exhibition moves to Europe tomorrow.

Mr. Twitter, that parrot was stolen again - strange, don't you think?

Since only you and I knew where it was.

And Cunliffe, he knew about it. - Yes, of course I did.

So, for that matter, did Jordan.

Jordan?

The rightful owner of Captain Crusoe.

Remember, sir, you spoke to him last night.

Oh yes, I'd forgotten, he called me last night.

And you told him I'd found the parrot?

Well, I may have mentioned it in passing, yes.

I suppose this Mr. Jordan would know his own parrot if he saw it?

I mean, his identification would be much more reliable than yours, Mr. Twitter.

You said you wanted some of the fun, didn't you?

The commander just called me.

You remember that girl you took a fancy to?

Mrs. Peel? - Yeah, she's stirring up trouble.

She's on her way to see Jordan now.

You mean you want me to... - Yeah, both of them.

Make it nice, Robin. - Oh, it'll be nice, Verret.

If nothing else, it'll be nice.

All birds are welcome here.

I am Jordan.

Oh, Peel, Mrs Peel.

The front door was shut, so...

My fault entirely. I was upstairs.

Having a little warble.

A sideline of mine.

I am composing a concerto.

For beak, bird throat and warble.

I find it most absorbing.

What can I do for you, Mrs. Peel?

It's about Captain Crusoe.

He has been found! He has returned to the nest!

No, not yet.

The noblest parrot of them all.

A master of rhetoric, such a garrulous talker, such verbiage.

Talker? That parrot didn't said a word.

Had he been cued in?

Cued in?

These birds around you, Mrs. Peel, they were talking nineteen to the dozen when I entered.

You will observe they are now silent.

That is my training system, Mrs. Peel.

Cuition, quite unique.

Gain their confidence. They think I'm one of them.

Sometimes I wish I were.

All my birds have conditioned reflexes.

They speak only when they are signalled, cued to speak.

And each one has a different signal.

Thus. The blue parrot.

Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was...

And cued to stop.

There.

Long live the queen. Long live the queen.

Long live...

Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water.

Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...

Interesting, don't you think?

Astonishing!

Astonishing? Oh no no, these are mere nursery rhymes.

Parrot phrases. Nothing compared to Captain Crusoe.

His capacity for learning is astonishing.

The whole of Hamlet's soliloquy without pause.

Lincoln's Gettysburg address without fault.

Nothing to Captain Crusoe.

And then, there is his gift for mimicry.

Whoever teaches him a phrase, he gets the tone and inflection of that person exactly.

A parrot paragon.

And now, he's a Polly gone.

I should never have let that exhibition borrow him.

Twitter was so persuasive, so persistent.

Mr. Jordan, could you pick Captain Crusoe out of a crowd?

Better than that, anyone could pick him out in the dark, with the right cue.

A top "C". Captain Crusoe is cued to a top "C".

And which one of those triangles...

Captain Crusoe's triangle is not here.

He merits something better than this hoi polloi.

His is gold plated.

Can I borrow it?

Captain Crusoe's triangle. It might help me to find him.

It is in my car.

Come.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Use it.

On him.

You keep him occupied, I'll get behind him.

Mark?

Mark?

Mark sent me a message. He said I was to come here.

Mark Pearson is dead.

And you and I are going to have a little talk.

A talk? What about?

Cabbages and kings. Life. The birds and the bees.

But mostly about birds.

Going in again?

I want a little talk first.

Now then.

Who's your boss?

I don't know.

I never see him.

Verret gives me all my orders.

What about Captain Crusoe then, where's he?

Crusoe's back.

Back where he belongs.

Mark gave me the parrot to look after.

He said he didn't dare keep it here.

Now, why should he say that?

Mark is dead? - Extremely.

Oh, well, I suppose it can't do any harm now.

Mark stole the bird from someone.

Well, he didn't exactly say that, but I'm sure that's what it was: he stole it.

So Mark pinched it from them, whoever them are.

He pinched it because the parrot's the key to the whole thing.

Well, it was certainly no ordinary parrot, that's for sure, I mean the things it said.

The missile installation has a deployment on the northwestern sector.

The launching ramps are an advanced design, and all sorts of technical stuff.

It seemed such a weird thing for anyone to teach a parrot.

It talks.

It talks!

Well, of course it talks. Don't all parrots talk?

The parrot's taking the information out!

They've eliminated the human error.

By eliminating the human element.

A pigeon flies over the installation, takes pictures...

The pictures are translated into verbal information...

And fed to the parrot.

And at the sound of a top "C"...

He spouts it all out again.

Perfect. No microphone to conceal.

No secret papers.

And no human agent to crack under pressure.

Well, you can't interrogate a parrot.

Two guesses to which part of Europe.

Well, let's have a look around, for our undercover agents.

I do beg your pardon.

Whoops.

Ahh...

Well, he is a parrot.

He doesn't look too intelligent.

Very unprepossessing.

Definitely cretinous.

Positively retarded. Play, maestro!

We're not playing his tune.

Well, not to be pessimistic, but I think we're running out of parrots.

Ah, this one looks more like an intellectual.

Intellectual? He's a politician.

Perhaps he's disguised as the Lesser Crested Fisher Hen.

"Back where he belongs", that's what the man said.

Who? - The Man in the pool.

"Captain Crusoe is back where he belongs."

Well, he doesn't belong here.

In the back room.

Far enough.

Perhaps you'd be kind enough to explain what you're doing.

Twitter.

Bird impersonations are not my strong...

His name is Twitter. Edgar J. Twitter.

Oh. - Correct, and I'm still awaiting an explanation.

We came to collect Captain Crusoe.

Crusoe's no longer here, he was stolen.

Well, how do you explain...

The deployment of the missile installation is in the way in the northwestern sector.

I know that voice.

It's uh, it's Cunliffe!

Cunliffe. Exactly, Mrs. Peel.

I see you took care of Twitter for me.

Poor old Twitter.

You hit the wrong man.

... controlled by electronic...

We'd better shut him up, I think.

There.

That's better.

Now, I'd better see about shutting you two up.

On a more permanent basis, of course.

Verret!

Well, it worked before.

Mrs. Peel, are you...

Oh, you are all right.

One secret agent... - safely behind bars.

I demand political asylum.

I demand political asylum.

I wish you'd get used to using the telephone.

Ran out of small change.

Well, are you? - Hm?

Busy at the moment?

What did you have in mind?

I want you to meet a bird.

Friend of yours?

Hardly. I intend basting it in red wine.

Submerging it in a succulent sauce.

Now that sounds like my kind of bird.

There's only one snag. - What?

I haven't shot it yet.

But don't worry, it's all laid on.

Beaters, stretch of grouse moor, I've even got a car.

I'll put on something suitable.

For open air motoring.

subtitles by rick@peoplesguidetothecosmos.com