Original subtitles

As I've demonstrated Mrs. Peel, our mysterious intruder must have come in through the front gate.

Across the entrance hall.

Past three check points.

Came down the security lift.

Across the main hall.

The typing pool.

Past a dozen clerks.

Ah, don't forget the four secretaries, Steed.

Mmm, indeed not.

No other way in, no other way out.

No-one saw him enter, no-one saw him leave.

A veritable Houdini.

Willton was found here, badly concussed, he may be out for weeks.

There's nothing gone?

Not so much as a piece of red tape.

This drawer that was found open.

It's the one at the end.

It's empty. Oh, except for this.

Ernest Quilby, submission 144, file transferred to "Special Section".

Shut the door!

Who's there?

Who's there, do you hear me?

Answer me!

Steed, did you see him?

Who? - Someone broke in.

You must have seen him.

No-one passed us.

I tell you there was someone here, I heard him.

He opened a cupboard.

There. You see, I didn't imagine it.

There's a file missing.

One-four-four.

That's Quilby's file.

His drawer was open at the records office.

Quilby's file? - You know him?

The man's a crank.

He's sent us an invention a week for the last twenty years.

All of them rejected with equal regularity.

What was in file 144?

I couldn't tell you, it was before my time.

My predecessor, Lord Daviot, he'd know.

He's retired now, you could try him.

If he's no good, try Quilby.

Would you care to take milord?

And I'll take Quilby.

Steed and Mrs. Peel are leaving the Ministry.

They're on to us, Major.

You have your orders, Ulric, Proceed with part two.

Mr. Quilby?

Mr. Quilby.

I'm John Steed. - Ah...

Was I expecting you?

No. - Ah.

Surprise!

For both of us.

This is my assistant, uh, uh...

Ackroyd. - Ackroyd.

You a member, of the B.A.?

The B...

British Alchemists. - Oh no, no, the M.O.D..

Ah.

M...

Ministry of Defence.

Oh, well, you couldn't have timed it better.

My new explosive.

Ideal for saboteurs. You just sprinkle it on the target.

No fuse, no matches, just wait for the rain, and then... boom!

What happens if there's a drought?

Ah... that's a good point.

No, actually it was one of your earlier submissions.

The self thrashing benet? - That made a very deep impression.

The jet propelled army boot? - Marvellous idea.

No, it was your submission 144, the file was mislaid.

Trust the Ministry, they've no sense of order.

114, you say... - 144.

144... ah, ah, oh yes, I couldn't forget that.

Indeed not, ah, my formula.

Formula? What kind of formula?

You take a teaspoon full at night, and you wake up invisible.

Invisible.

Invisible?

I made it quite clear when I sent it to Lord Daviot.

Ah, Mr. Quilby!

This it, Mr. Quilby?

Ah, well done, boy, the Ministry's letter.

Back to work.

Your formula had been carefully considered, but we doubt its practicality,

and am returning it forthwith, yours faithfully, Daviot.

Idiots, of course it worked.

You tried it?

No, it's too risky, cells might disintregate.

I was hoping that the Ministry'd find a volunteer.

It's a simple principle.

You see, you see an object because it reflects light.

Now, my formula absorbs light, no reflection, you can't see it.

Where is the formula?

Sold. - Sold?

Eastern Drug Corporation.

Eastern Drug Corporation?

Yeah, director turned up, charming woman, she'd read my paper.

Ah, Transparency of Man? June edition, "The Alchemist"?

She was most impressed.

You kept a copy of the formula?

Oh, naturally. But I was working on a nuclear device, and a slight mishap.

Boom! - Yeah, boom.

Formula included.

I'm afraid so. - I thought so.

Still, they paid me most handsomely for it.

How much? - A hundred thousand.

As you anticipated, Major, Steed had been with Quilby.

Good, return to the embassy.

Lord Daviot's dead? - He was pushing down the lilies.

I found him in the ornamental pond.

Murdered? - Good guess.

Well, it could have been natural causes.

Are they ever?

Daviot was killed because he knew about Quilby's invisible formula.

Invisible?

Well, it's a substance of it you take a spoonful at bedtime

and when you wake up all your problems have vanished, and so have you.

You may scoff, but some people take it seriously.

The Eastern Drug Company paid a hundred thousand for that formula.

Eastern Drug Company.

And we know you-know-who lies behind that pseudonym.

Ambassador Brodny and his crew.

Now just at this moment,

he's got some very important guests at the embassy.

Major Vazin, and his beautiful wife, Elena.

Both top spies.

I suppose they're being watched.

She is, but he hasn't been seen since he arrived.

Perhaps he sampled some of Quilby's formula.

Major Vazin? Major?

Major?

Major Vazin?

How dare you!

Ah, comrade Elena.

Ambassador, what are you doing in here?

Comrade, I must speak to your husband.

Can't you see he's taking a shower?

But, I have important matter to discuss with him.

Discuss it?

Yes, well, you see, I was checking the embassy account.

There's been a withdrawal of a quarter of a million.

Yes?

You see, here is the cheque.

Your husband's signature: Major Alexander Vajim.

So?

Well, you see, the tourist allowance is 12 units per day,

Now, you've been here one week, that's seven twelves, three sevens is twenty-one...

Read it.

The withdrawal was made on the orders of the supreme centre of committee.

Read the signature.

By him?

By him, himself? - You suggesting it's a forgery?

Oh no. No, no, comrade, please.

Put it away.

But comrade, a quarter of a million!

A small price to pay for what the Major had acquired.

The new western coding device?

No.

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

Don't tell me, I get it.

The cobalt declameter?

These are nothing to what is now in our possession.

This intriques me, I must...

This room is private, Brodny.

No one is permitted to enter.

Not even you.

If you will excuse me, Ambassador.

But comrade...

Ah, Major.

Ambassador?

Ambassador.

You're not dreaming, Ambassador.

My husband is invisible.

My apologies, Brodny.

I did not mean to scare you.

Let me get you a drink, Brodny.

Say when.

When!

Poor Brodny.

You look tired.

Yes, I need some air.

So you see, Ambassador, or rather, can not see,

our money has not been squandered.

This formula will alter the entire balance of power.

An invisible army to penetrate our enemy's defences.

The ultimate in innovation.

And it is ours? - And ours alone.

It's fantastic!

Of course the British suspect.

You have heard of a man called John Steed.

Oh yes. I have known him for years.

A man of many talents.

Of excellent taste. A good friend...

A sworn enemy!

You say he knows? - Suspects.

Don't worry, Ambassador.

The formula is in our possession. What can go wrong?

Hello?

Who is that?

It's Quilby's assistant, Mr. Ackroyd.

What does he want?

Yes, Mr. Ackroyd?

I heard a rumour that you paid a hundred thousand for Quilby's formula.

As my memory's a little sharper than his,

shall we say a similar amount for me to become forgetful?

Let's meet and talk.

I want to be sure of what I'm buying.

When do you suggest?

Yes, I know. - But come alone.

Understood? And bring a small deposit.

Very well.

In thirty minutes.

Goodbye.

He wants a hundred thousand or he talks to the British.

Another hundred thousand?

But Major, you already paid 250 thousand.

That's a hundred, and 250, that's um...

Three...

You will pay him?

We will pay him.

Pretty little gun.

Major.

If there is nothing more.

It's time for me to disappear.

Disappear... excuse me.

Will such a formula we shall conquer the world.

Our enemies will be helpless!

Major, Steed is here! - Why are you panicking?

Who is panicking! Who is panicking?

Then show him in.

In here?

You think that's wise?

Why not? He cannot see me.

Of course.

And providing you are cautious.

Don't worry, Major. He will learn nothing from me.

I hope not.

Remember, Brodny, he cannot see me, but I can see you.

Steed, my dear fellow, please come in.

Are you sure?

Ha ha ha, ha, please, please forgive me.

An important telephone call.

You're forgiven.

Well, this certainly is an improvement.

Huh?

Well, you were always complaining about you other office.

Me, complain? Never.

They've certainly done you proud.

And that chair, very in keeping.

Please, please don't sit there, the spring has gone, and...

They seem fine to me.

I didn't know you smoked cigars.

Oh yes, yes, all the time.

And I thought you hated this stuff.

No, no, I love it, I love it.

Ah, good. After you.

There's a draft. I close the window.

There's something you ought to know.

I tried to tell you the other day, but you dashed off.

Major! Please.

Did you say something?

No! Yes, please continue.

Well, I know you won't believe this,

but we've been offered a formula that makes a man invisible.

Invisible? Excuse me.

It's a fraud, of course.

But as you're an old friend of mine, I thought perhaps I'd give you the benefit of the...

Invisible man?

I would see through that one immediately.

You think that I, Vladimir Yuroslav Brodny would fall for such a trick?

No.

That I would pay a quarter of a million for such a worthless formula?

Who mentioned the price?

Who what?

Who said they asked a quarter of a million?

You did, didn't you?

No, you did.

So you have been approached?

No, no, no, it was just a wild guess.

You think I would lie to you?

Sorry you have to rush, old boy.

The Major's wife.

Yes, it was a gift.

Delightfully inscribed.

I assure you, we are... - just good friends.

Like that little secretary you had?

Last year, blonde, blue eyes, remember?

Yes. No!

No, this is entirely different.

This is the wife of Major Vajim.

But you were never a respector of persons.

I assure you, Major Vajin is trusted, respected comrade.

It's unthinkable, quite out of the question, that I would make advance to... his wife.

While the cat's away, eh?

What? What cat?

Please.

Must put her back.

Please.

Thank you.

I won't be a moment, Major.

I think I handled that well, no Major?

Quiet. - What did I say?

You fool.

But what did I do?

Elena's photograph.

Oh, I assure you, it's just one Steed's little jokes.

You don't think that I...

Hello Alex? - Yes Elena?

Did you deal with him? - No, Mrs. Peel followed me here.

Where is she now?

Heading north. I think she's going back to her apartment.

Leave this to me. I'll head her off.

"I think I handled that well, no Major?"

"Quiet. - What did I say?"

"You fool."

"But what did I do?"

"Elena's photograph."

That's Vazim all right.

Perhaps he came in after you left.

No, I don't think so cause when I was there poor old Brodny was ... quivering, just like that.

Do you think Vazim was... invisible?

I know it's all against nature.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

How about jellyfish in water?

And my headless man; that was real enough.

I must say I find Quilby's theory quite fascinating.

But would it work in practice?

He indicated numerous avenues. I intend to experiment.

Before you go down those numerous avenues, how about this man that Elena met?

I didn't see him, but his mode of conveyance was most bizarre.

It was an ancient taxi, with curtains, and...

bobbles?

That taxi was parked outside Quilby's.

The ingredients can be found in every home.

How very convenient.

But I came here... - Yeah, I know, I know, the invisible formula.

Well, it had a base of silicone.

Yeah, silicone. It had a soupcon of iridium.

No, no, indium.

And was distilled in polythene.

Or was it promethium?

One thing I do recall...

It had 93 ingredients, and 39 processes in the formula

Could have been 39 ingredients and 93 processes.

Was this the woman who bought it?

It's the other side.

Oh, yeah, most enchanting. A regular little Martha Barre.

No, that's me auntie, ah...

Or was it me niece?

Hari Kari.

Mata Hari. - That's the chap, yeah.

There's more than just a resemblance.

She's the modern equivalent.

Enemy agent? - Yes, Mr. Quilby.

Oh no! No! What have I done? What have I done?

I won't accept the money.

Oh, no. No one will brand Ernest, uh, Quilby as a traitor.

If the enemy has the formula, we shall have it too.

Now, Mr. Quilby... - Now, don't worry Mr. uh, Steed, I'll find it.

Bertha'll volunteer. - Bertha, is she another relative?

I don't think so, no, she's a hamster.

Hello, Bertha. - Very patriotic is Bertha.

Have no fear, Mr. Steed, the security of the country is safe.

I'll do all I can to assist you, even if it kills me.

Well, you can start by telling me what you were doing out in your taxi earlier on.

Hm? Not me, I haven't left here.

That must have been young, uh, Ackroyd.

If he's not at home, try the park.

Usually takes a stroll about this time.

Have fun.

Well, aren't you going to wait to see the result?

No, must fly. Nice to have known you.

Hello.

Ackroyd. Where are you?

Yes, I know. - You'd better be alone this time.

If I see anyone else with you, I'll offer my information elsewhere.

Don't worry, Mr. Ackroyd, you won't see anyone.

Is this seat taken?

Mr. Steed?

Who were you expecting, Mr. Ackroyd?

No one. I always come here.

For relaxation?

Yes. - Then relax.

Well, it's time I was... - Ah, that's very unsociable.

And unbusiness-like.

Now, if you have something to sell, perhaps I'm in the market too.

Why should I possibly have something to sell?

You're Quilby's assistant.

You worked on the formula, didn't you?

I did indeed.

Perhaps you retained a copy.

No. The lot I'm offering may be worth far more.

So, if you're joining the auction, should we commence the bidding at 100,000?

Stay here.

Major?

I understand we have disposed of Ackroyd.

Well, I should like to point out that I do not approve of this type of violence.

Furthermore... - Brodny?

Yes? - Who are you talking to?

The Major.

He's in the other room.

Major.

With Ackroyd dead, I presumed you will be returning.

It is not for you to presume anything, Brodny.

But... - Where is Steed?

How should I know?

Not you, Brodny. Ulrik?

He's at Mrs. Peel's apartment.

Good. We will proceed to final phase one.

Mr. Steed? I've done it. I've found the formula.

Good. Well, I'll be right over.

I'll be here.

He found the formula? - So he says.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

I have dealt with Steed.

We now move to the final phase two.

Mrs. Peel? - As you say, Ambassador: Mrs. Peel.

I trust you slept well, Mrs. Peel?

No.

I'd like to complain to the management.

If she moves, shoot to kill.

Yes, comrade. - I will call the Major.

You heard what she said. If you move, I shoot to kill.

I warn you, I am ruthless, utterly ruthless.

Shhh.

So please, don't move.

Patience, Mrs. Peel.

You are about to witness the passport to world domination.

Success is guaranteed. Nothing can stop us now.

Ambassador? Yes, comrade?

You are talking too much.

We meet once again, Mrs. Peel.

So you see, Mrs. Peel, Quilby was not such a fool, after all.

Did you imagine we would pay 100,000 for a worthless formula?

But it's a pity you were so inquisitive.

We have no intention of allowing you to inform the Ministry.

Brodny?

You want me to... - No.

Put her in Ulrik's room. He will deal woth her.

Move!

No tricks!

Promise?

Please.

Move!

Well, Elena, our task is complete.

We can make arrangements to return home.

And Mrs. Peel...

I think we can be certain she will escape.

Stop!

In there. Move!

You cannot escape.

I have you in the Haminski hammerlock.

And this is the Emma Peel maiden push off.

You are forcing me to use the Yubielshka rush!

Never been known to fail!

Good dog. Want to play?

Down boy, girl...

I am Ambassador!

You hear me? I am the Ambassador!

Ah. We are nearly ready. Put these in the car.

As you were. - You are very foolish, Mrs. Peel.

You cannot escape from here.

No? It's been child's play so far.

Such stringent precautions.

No guards in reception.

Brodny with an empty gun.

The fool. He will pay for that.

But you gave it to him.

If I'm wrong, do forgive me.

You wanted me to escape.

I think I can guess why.

I'm here, Mrs. Peel.

No, not there.

Here.

Transparency's all the rage this year.

Steed?

Ah, seen through me at last, eh?

Where are you?

Through the alcove.

No, no, that's the bathroom.

Try the door behind you.

Do come in.

Let's close the door, shall we?

Relay system, very simple. - So this is our invisible formula: electronics.

Works the windows, the door, cypher, anything.

A multiple speaker system throws sound in any direction.

That works the filing cabinets.

And this delivers an electric shock - works like a fist.

An invisible fist.

Now this is the piece de resistance.

There's a camera in our records office, special section.

I suppose Ackroyd knew the formula was useless.

He almost wrecked the entire plan.

Which was to convince us there was an invisible man.

We'd report to the government, they'd divert every available scientist.

From vital research.

Onto a completely useless project.

The cost might ruin our economy.

Worth the 100,000 they paid Quilby.

Now, I don't believe in the Loch Ness monster.

And I don't believe in invisible men.

In fact, Major Vajim... what are you looking at?

A headless man.

How's that for an invisible woman?

Meet your other half.

Major Vajim himself.

A final charade for Brodny's benefit?

They used him to convince us, so obviously they had to convince him first.

Major Vajim? Major? Major!

And they succeeded.

Pity to disallusion him. - I agree.

Major Vajim? Major?

Major?

Major...

Anybody home?

Major...

Major, please, let me explain, you see...

There was a dog, a big dog!

Don't send me home.

It's so cold! Major...

I don't want to go home.

I have tickets for the next Beatles concert.

And I am learning to play cricket here.

Poor old Brodny. - He's probably still apologizing.

Profusely. - To an empty chair.

Of course I knew there couldn't be an invisible man.

My experiments proved conclusively that...

Hey, it worked!

It really worked.

But... - Shhh.

Uh huh. I thought so.

Take a look.

Lunch? Lunch.

We'll both get changed, and for that, I'll get the Rolls out of mothballs.

subtitles by rick@peopolesguidetothecosmos.com