Original subtitles

Steed?

That's a fiver you owe me, Major.

Oh?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'm forgetting the introductions.

Mrs. Peel, Major Carson.

How do you do? - Delighted to make your acquaintance.

I told you, Mrs. Peel has all the qualifications for the job.

What job?

The Major's from the Department, assigned to me until after the conference.

What conference?

Meeting of defence chiefs. Day after tomorrow.

Steed represents security, but we're pretty certain there's going to be an attempt to infiltrate.

By whom?

Colonel Psev.

There are spies and spies, but he's the king of them all.

This is only part of his dossier. - Most impressive.

Yes, but in spite of that, we haven't the faintest idea what he looks like.

Not even a photograph.

But we are certain that Psev is in the country.

Wherever he goes, so does his entourage.

And we do have pictures of them.

Alicia Elena, secretary.

Vogel, 1st assistant.

Shvedloff, 2nd assistant,

Pudeshkin, 3rd assistant.

They all arrived in the country last night.

And apart from these four, no-one's ever seen Psev.

And he's the one you think will try and gate crash the conference?

Sure of it.

Rather difficult to identify him, a man without a face.

But he is human, he has certain habits and weaknesses.

Like this. - ''Creme de violettes''.

Very partial to cigars. Jamaican. Torpedo number 2.

Also a very snappy dresser. Owns more suits than an army of stockbrokers.

And he has one very special hobby.

I'm sure you'll find it fascinating, Mrs. Peel.

Most realistic.

Yes, oh yes, yes.

It also has receiver in service?

All our models are radio controlled, sir.

Oh, yes.

I would like complete outfit, with all the accessories.

And I will take it myself.

Very good, sir. I shan't keep you long. - Thank you.

Confirms it then. Sergei Ivenko, a minor official at their embassy.

No doubt about it. Psev's in town.

I've never let you down yet, Colonel Psev. I'll attend to it immediately.

Ivenko.

I'll take that. - Yes, Ambassador.

Yes, Colonel, he's just arrived.

Yes, he's 2 minutes late. Brodny, you're 2 minutes late!

Yes, well, Ivenko was... - Both requests were transmitted an hour ago.

Elena.

Lunch, yes, of course, Colonel.

Omelette au caviar with sour cream, chateaubriand, and sorbet au to follow.

Please, Ambassador, Colonel Psev objects to cold coffee.

So sorry.

Brodny, you have the Colonel's cigars? - Oh yes, yes, and the model kit.

Please allow me.

Only personal staff are allowed in this office.

Remember, Ambassador? - Yes.

Brodny.

You are to remain. - But l have got a great deal...

...work.

Brodny. Those cigars.

The Colonel has asked me to give you a message.

A message?

You have a message for me?

Yes.

Torpedo number 3, not 2.

And in boxes of 100 in future, please.

The Colonel's liqueur, you have it?

La creme de violettes?

Oh. Well, I have tried, everywhere.

Our man in Paris had the same difficulty.

Ah, poor Lemkoff, whatever happened to him?

But comrades, I'm still trying. I'm sure I will find a bottle, I promise.

The ministry file, it is complete? - In every detail.

But, the conference room, it's impregnable.

Who is this John Steed?

Um, security.

But incorruptible. I know him personally.

I'm having him watched.

Brodny.

You know the purpose of this conference is to plan the basis of supply routes for the Polaris submarines.

The Colonel intends to obtain this information.

Yes, well, I hope he does.

But I'm sorry, I feel that he may return home empty handed.

If he does, Brodny, you will be coming with us.

You're out of luck, sir. We haven't a drop in the place.

Are you're certain? I have looked everywhere.

Creme de violettes.

Cream of violets. - Sorry, sir.

Steed. - Brodny, my old comrade!

You're not going out there.

Terrible weather we're having. Might just as well be in Siberia.

Now, this is on me. What was the gentleman drinking?

He was asking for... - I was drinking vodka! Yes, I'll have a vodka.

Vodka? I thought you hated the filthy stuff. - Oh no, not me.

Now, be honest. British gin, that's your favourite tickle?

Oh no, you are mistaken. I drink vodka, nothing but vodka. I love it!

Cheers!

I needed that.

Since you're so partial to it, you have another one. I'll have a brandy, please.

By the way, Brodny, you don't look too well.

I know it can't be homesickness. - Shh, please.

Because you told me that if you were ever transferred, you'd rather cut your...

You're disturbing all the other customers.

Well, down the hatch.

Perfection. Well, if you'll excuse me, I must be going now.

Oh,Brodny.

A small gift to cement relations.

Oh. Creme de violettes.

Of course, if you prefer vodka. - Oh no, no, l like a good liqueur.

Steady, very rare.

Well, I keep it for my very special friends. - I should.

Thank you.

Hope the Colonel enjoys it. - Oh, I'm sure he will.

Boris, Andrei, he wants you.

I, I've got... - And hurry, he's in one of his moods.

I've got the... - Andrei, wait. His pills. Don't forget them.

I've got the liqueur, comrade.

What's this for? - Fashion show.

The Colonel wants details of new season's trends.

But I know nothing about fashions.

Then take Ivenko with you.

And here's David Ryan wearing a dinner jacket of the very latest material.

Elegant, conservative in cut, but with a host of hidden extras.

Champagne resistant.

And the driest martini just rolls off.

Flame and flood proof. Anyone for cocktails?

And now, something for the man who refuses to be pushed around.

For the man who sets his own trend.

For the man who whips up a souffle of sartorial surprises,

and adds just that teeny pinch of the unexpected.

Riviera revels, capers at Cannes,

moonlight in Monte, showing you what's right, what's in for every occasion,

is Gordon Webster.

A shirt of sheer silk to set you singing,

stylish, a hat with a dash of panache,

Roguish, an ensemble that spells man.

The chateauist with the mostest, and slacks built for action.

Wear them when swinging the cha-cha-cha.

What do you think, Ambassador?

Ah, yes, excellent, order it.

That shirt is proof against lipstick.

Yes, the shirt is one of our large range.

Ambassador. - Shh.

...comes in a variety of colours and patterns, and each is hand sewn.

The slacks are saddle-stitched along the outside seam.

Cut by English craftsmen,

Designed by Italian genius.

The hat is a light weight of straw, with a silk headliner.

This, too, comes in a variety of styles, and colour schemes.

Hello, Steed here.

Hello?

Hello. Anybody there? Hello? Hello?

- Ambass... - Sh!

And here's Gordon Webster again,

showing us what the all fishing, all shooting, all hunting man is wearing this year.

Designed for the man who likes his sport in the rough.

A man who keeps his eye on the target.

Whether it's rod and line or smooth bore.

This is the outfit for you.

Cunningly cut to accentuate that male, male build.

Yet remains loose, and easy for action wear.

Gentlemen, really an outfit to go stag in.

Like twins, I tell you.

Well, I was struck with the idea immediately.

Ivenko, you will vouch. It was my idea.

A perfect double for Steed. And not only that,

I checked with the model agency. Ivenko, you will vouch.

You've already told us that, several times.

Yes.

His name is Webster, Gordon Webster.

He's an actor by profession, but an opportunist by nature.

He drinks, he gambles, he womanizes.

He is corruptible.

We get the point.

Comrades, don't you see?

This is a magnificent opportunity to infiltrate the conference room.

Now, I think... - Colonel Psev will do the thinking.

Of course, naturally.

Well? - I am to congratulate you, Ambassador.

The Colonel thinks it is an excellent idea.

But...

There is work to be done.

Withdraw the man watching Steed's apartment.

Withdraw?

We must not arouse suspicion.

And these files on Steed. - Oh, yes, I compiled them myself.

They are inadequate. Oh, yes, I quite agree.

I've got a staff of morons.

The Colonel wants up-to-the-minute material.

Steed's apartment must be wired for sound.

No, is impossible. A wily fox like Steed would never...

You will attend to it personally. - No, with all due respect,

I'm a diplomat. I am not a cloak and dagger agent.

You have Steed's confidence. Go to him.

Here. - Is it raining out?

It contains a transmitter.

Place it in Steed's apartment.

Ambassador.

Do you always squeeze toothpaste from the middle?

No, I never did til I got married.

I'm not expecting anyone.

I'd better crawl back into the woodwork.

From whence you came.

Ambassador Brodny. - To improve relations.

For me? How nice, but I really can't...

Nonsense, dear chap. I... I insist you drink my health.

Well, this is charming, charming.

Oh, but I have interrupted you. Please...

As a matter of fact, I do have a rather pressing engagement.

Well then, you mustn't let me delay you.

Since you're here, won't you stay and have a drink.

Not for me, old boy. - Do you mind if I do?

Not at all, not at all, that's the whole idea.

Well...

Tchin-tchin. - But surely you...

What an extraordinary fellow.

You have planted the umbrella?

With no trouble. I had no trouble at all.

Yes, Colonel Psev? The television.

Yes, immediately.

He wants you, Boris.

Are you going to switch it on?

In a few moments, we'll be seeing the arrival of the commanders of the Western Defence Commission.

They're here for preliminary talks prior to the main conference to be held in 48 hours.

Well, I think they're ready for us now, so over we go to Westminster.

Well, as you can see, the Western Defence Chiefs are just arriving.

That's him. That's Steed.

Mr. Gordon Webster is here.

I wish this important conference every success.

Peace, armed peace,

is the thought uppermost in the minds

of the responsible commanders here today.

Hold your horses, old fruit, I'm driving.

Another won't hurt you.

Fill me up, duckie.

Thank you.

Cigar?

You certainly do yourselves proud, don't you?

Compliments of Colonel Psev.

Who's Colonel Psev when he's at home?

Senior boy, eh?

That the headmaster's study?

Just a teeny weeny bit above my head.

Fully operational, eh? Used to fly one of these little jobs.

Before you were cashiered?

We are fully conversant with your background, Mr. Webster.

No need to tell you then, eh?

Who's the aero-modeler? No, don't tell me. Colonel Psev.

A light for Mr. Webster. - Yes.

Why, you fool! - Now you've done it.

Telephone the shop and get a replacement immediately.

Yes. sir.

Not from here. Outside.

Idiot.

I agree with you, Joseph. - Time he was returned home.

As I was saying, Mr. Webster, there is very little we don't know about you.

You have a record.

You gamble.

Let's see the colour of your cards.

Deck's incomplete.

Sorry, duckie.

Aero Models.

A replacement for what?

Oh yes, sir, I have one in stock.

Certainly, sir. I'll deliver it personally.

And that is only a deposit, Mr. Webster.

Stakes are tempting, old sport.

Want to know what sort of game it is.

I like to know the rules before I start.

Dispose of this man, and then impersonate him.

Yes, the resemblance is quite striking. - Yes, it is, isn't it?

How tall is he?

6 foot 2.

I'm a bit shorter than that.

Maybe we could use lifts.

He's better looking.

I don't know, duckie.

Could you do it?

I think so, why?

Isn't that reason enough?

I suppose I could.

With a little bit of coaching.

You'll get that.

I've got to get his mannerisms, his voice.

You'll also need to study this.

''Mrs. Peel''.

She's a close friend of Steed's.

Lucky Steed.

Steed. He's in the apartment.

He's phoning.

Hello, Security? Steed here.

Defence Chiefs all safely delivered.

I wired Paris. Admiral Le Frere should be with us in an hour or so.

Plane delayed through engine trouble.

Yes, not to worry, sir, everything's under control.

Well?

''l wired Paris, sir."

''Admiral Le Frere should be here in an hour or so."

''Plane, uh...'' oh, that's too difficult.

''Not to worry, sir. Everything under control.''

Excellent. That's really excellent.

Good day. I'm from Aero Models.

I'll take it. - There's two pounds to pay.

Alright, Gricha, I'll see to it.

Prestiti.

Come in, please.

All right, Gricha. Thank you very much for being so prompt.

Two pounds. - Oh, yes.

I'll just... - Ah!

Please, wait one moment.

Excuse me, please.

Thank you. Here's the two pounds.

Thank you. - This way, please.

Scout's honour,Mrs. Peel. I haven't been near the embassy all day.

Steed, a joke's a joke, but I saw you.

Weave it through the crindle. - Yes, yes, I know. I just need smaller fingers.

What are you up to? You were at the embassy today.

I went to meet the Western Defence Chiefs, delivered them at their hotel,

and came straight back here. Isn't that right, Major?

That's quite correct. Left 12:31. Returned 2:47. Hasn't been out since.

Then the man I saw was a twin, an absolute double.

Oh, come now, Mrs. Peel. If I had a twin, I'm sure Mother would have mentioned it.

If he believes her we're done for.

But you have a double.

And if I'm right, Psev could be planning a swap to get him into the conference.

How could he do that, with my watchdog here.

Anyway, if I had a double, you'd notice it in thirty seconds.

People may look alike, but they don't behave alike. So, what are we worrying about?

It's quite difficult to tell us apart.

Remarkable.

Astonishing.

Fantastic.

Perfect.

We all agree then.

The resemblance is superb. Well, Ambassador?

If I might make a slight criticism.

Don't you think he lacks a certain panache.

Nonsense.

Ridiculous.

Rubbish.

Poppycock!

He's an exact replica, perfect in every detail.

Exact replica, yes. - Thank you, duckie.

Anyway, tomorrow we will put it to the final test.

Oh?

Yes, Mr. Brodny has arranged a little cocktail party.

But if Steed's going to be there...

Oh, don't worry, we have a plan to divert him.

And you will take his place.

Oh. So if Mrs. Peel accepts me as the real Steed...

Then you will have passed the acid test.

You had better leave now. We must not risk an accidental meeting.

Go back to your apartment and await our telephone call.

There's just one point, old sport.

Supposing Mrs. Peel rumbles the fact that there are two Steeds?

There will be one less Mrs. Peel.

You're taking a bit of a risk, aren't you,

leaving your watch dog behind?

He hasn't been invited.

Besides, it's worth the risk if we spot Psev.

Oh, do you think he'll be there?

Mingling amongst the party guests.

Must be the telephone.

Hello, Steed here.

Communication sent a coded message for you.

Report ASP, room 6, urgent.

ASP, my goodness me. I'll be there.

Communication Centre - I'm wanted.

What about the party?

You'd rather not? - I would. I might spot Psev.

He'll be there. Cigar in one hand, liqueur in the other.

And flourishing a copy of the Aero Modeller, no doubt.

Well, you'll drop me off and then take the car on, eh?.

All right.

Major Carson?

Make yourself at home, and feel free to take off that raincoat.

He can't do that.

Oh.

She should be here by now.

Ivenko. The clothes brush.

And Josef, another box of cigars.

Hurry, the Colonel is waiting for this.

Mrs. Peel has arrived.

Great Scott! Steed is with her.

He's gone. Call Webster.

Your liqueur, my dear. - Thank you, darling.

I just love the Cotswolds at this time of year.

Excuse me. - Ah, Mrs. Peel.

So happy you could come.

That's nice. - You're not smoking it.

I haven't seen Steed anywhere. - Oh, he'll be around shortly.

I wonder, would you please excuse me,

The cultural attache...

Aren't you ready yet? - I can't move any faster.

Here, from Vogel, in case of trouble.

You expecting any? - Heaven forbid. Don't play games.

Yes. It's very good. It's perfect.

The carnation! - I know! All right.

He's coming. Here.

Steed has arrived. - Oh?

I made it, after all.

What's this? - Well, it says ''champagne'' on the label.

Over chilled, as usual.

You don't seem very glad to see me.

Of course I am, Steed.

Great Scott!

What's the matter? - The carnation

Try this.

Your warmth has improved it, Mrs. Peel.

What was the call about?

Just a final screening.

Oh, by the way, will Fido be all right on Saturday?

Steed.

Someone is dying to meet you. A thousand pardons.

Back in a few moments.

What's wrong?

All this green stuff, and silver paper, Steed would never wear this.

Oh, I don't know, I rather like it.

You fool. Why don't you put a stick of celery in there as well?

Let me trim this foliage for you, darling.

Anytime, duckie.

By the way, who's Fido? She asked about Fido.

Brodny, who is Fido? - Fido? Fido?

Don't you know? - Fido? Um...

Well, quick, she is waiting for Steed. - Fi...

Oh yes, I've got it.

Yes, it's um... it's a vintage motor car. Yes. - Yes.

Shut up. - I hope you got it right this time.

Come on, now. Let's circulate.

Now, where were we? - I was asking about Fido.

Oh yes, she needed an oil change, but she'll be ready for the owner's club meeting.

Good.

Will you hang on to this for a moment?

Hello Major? This is Mrs. Peel.

Major?

Major?

As you were, Mrs. Peel.

Afraid she spotted me, gentlemen.

That Ivenko!

Seems a shame, but what shall we do?

Dispatch her?

No.

As our Colonel would say,

''A hostage in the hand is worth two in the tomb.''

Ivenko?

I was just coming to look for you.

Lucky man. How I envy you.

By this time of year too, the blossom will be on the trees.

The smell of the pine forests.

Your ticket.

Ticket?

You're going home, Ivenko.

Ambassador, I'm very sorry if I... - Ah, it's all forgotten.

Happy journey.

Hello, Mr. Steed?

Who's there? - Ivenko. Sergei Ivenko. I must have asylum.

I need protection.

If your government will help me, I have information.

Much information.

I also know the identity of Psev.

Psev? Where can I meet you?

Can you meet me here, in the embassy grounds?

In about half an hour. Near the lake, the back. - All right.

Steed. - Sh.

All ready for broiling? - Do you mind?

I'll need a knife. - They often have one on a desk.

What happened? - I was right. They have found a double.

They're working to get him into the conference.

But they tried him out on me first, and I spotted him.

How?

Well. I know you.

Do you?

Come on.

Well, come on!

You see? Perfect.

Webster. Gordon Webster.

It was such a bad rehearsal yesterday.

The Colonel requested a final one.

And I wasn't fooled for a minute.

Weren't you?

Here.

A map of London. Steed's apartment.

Duplicate key.

and...

It will be necessary to deal with Major Carson as well.

Any order of precedence?

Just do it.

You will take Steed's pass, and also his briefcase.

You will then proceed to the ministry building,

here.

The conference room is on the 3rd floor.

Once inside you should be able to move about quite freely.

Take as many photographs as you can.

Simple. I set up my tripod, my reflex, my flash equipment...

It's a miniature camera.

Crafty. Chic.

You've worn it many times. It was a gift from Mrs. Peel.

Very considerate of the little lady. - Right. Any questions?

How do I get into Steed's apartment?

Well, there will be a car at your disposal, then you'll drive... yes, what is it?

Well, wouldn't it be wise, for someone in authority to accompany Webster?

Oh, my dear fellow, don't think I don't have immense faith in you.

Immense. It's just that...

I don't trust you.

I think it is an excellent suggestion, Ambassador. - Yes.

You see... an assignment like this could be very dangerous.

It requires a man of tact, you know, initiative, courage.

Someone able to think fast, in an emergency.

By the way, you please note that this suggestion, for the record, was my... idea.

Oh no, not me.

No. I would be no good at all.

You see, I am slow-witted. Yes.

Yes, my mother always said to me:

''Sergei Duchenko," she said, "you're slow-witted.''

And as for tact, and initiative...

But you are a diplomat. - But comrade...

Very well, it is agreed then. You will accompany Webster.

Yes, comrade.

Congratulations comrade. A chance to serve our glorious country.

And perhaps to die for it.

Come, we must report to the Colonel.

Never mind, old sport, they'll give you a hero's funeral.

Remarkable resemblance, don't you think? - Very good.

Your Adam's apple's a little larger, but I won't quibble.

Vogel was right.

If I could fool you, I could fool anybody.

And I did, didn't I? Be honest.

Admit it. Christmas or birthday?

Or some special occasion? Watch the birdy!

They're devilish clever, these foreign blokes.

Hope they don't torture her, eh, Brodny?

Oh no, not for a moment.

She's the Colonel's insurance. - Mr. Webster...

Oh, don't come with that loyalty kick. There's no money in patriotism.

Here's to our success, Brodny, and my retirement.

Ole!

Are you mad? - Don't worry. That's the form abroad.

Come, it's time.

Don't worry about Steed, duckie. I'll see he doesn't suffer.

Shall I phone from Steed's apartment?

No, no, no. That won't be necessary.

No, we have our own methods. Our ambassador will keep us informed.

Thank-you, squire.

Brodny.

Hello, Brodny?

Yes.

Yes. You will remain in the car.

Yes, we're all tuned in. Fine.

Webster has just entered the apartment building.

He should be at the door of Steed's apartment...

in exactly... 15 seconds... from now.

We have what you might call a front-row seat.

Josef, turn up the sound.

We don't want Mrs. Peel to miss anything.

He should be at Steed's apartment in about 5 seconds.

Four... three...

two...

one...

Here! Who the devil are...

What are... look out!

Has he? - Sh!

He's in.

The conference is due to finish at 4:30.

We have one hour to wait.

Mission completed.

They are on their way back.

It was all my idea, you know.

This will mean a promotion for you, Admiral. - Do you really think so?

They'll probably give you the order of... well, you name it, you'll get it.

Ah, Webster. - Ah.

Ah!

Photographs? - Let's get rid of this first.

The plan worked perfectly. The Colonel - Hi Colonel - the Colonel is a genius.

The tie pin, please.

l'll take that.

Hands.

Pin.

The film! - Not to worry, sport, the snaps came out a treat.

But I couldn't possibly hand them to anyone except for Colonel Bogey there.

But... - Away we go then. All together.

I always say, ''safety in numbers''.

He's a bashful baby, isn't he?

No Psev, no film.

Here in England you have a very quaint saying:

''Two heads are better than one''.

We prefer four.

We are all Psev.

Pudeshkin. Cypher expert.

Shvedloff.

Sabotage and elimination.

Elena.

Finance and administration.

Vogel.

Planning and operations.

Your initials. P-S-E-V. Sure spells Psev.

And now, Mr. Webster, the film.

Thank you.

We are ready, Boris. - Good.

Keep moving, Mrs. Peel.

Your loyalties really are confused. - I wouldn't say that.

Pity.

All right. On your feet, Mr. Webster.

Steed. - Oh, no. I know Steed.

Look, we guessed that that quartet was Psev.

Well, the initials.

So Percy and I set out to prove it.

That conference was a complete hoax.

A bait.

The fact that you were fooled convinced them.

Have a look in that...

Have a look in that briefcase. Go on.

Now, whoever telephoned me got through on there.

So Percy and I decided to make a few recordings.

We faked my death at my apartment.

And that glass in the fireplace, that was no accident.

Oh, no you don't.

If you're not convinced, they certainly are.

Still not convinced?

Turn around.

I'm convinced.

The bomber!

She's out.

Can you reach Percy?

I can try. Here.

What's wrong?

Some kind of interference.

It's the radio control. We're getting their frequency.

Well, if we're getting theirs, that plane could get ours.

Watch it.

Hold that frequency, it works.

There's something wrong. We're out of control.

Nicely timed, Mrs. Peel. Changeable weather we're having.

I beg your pardon. - Changeable, the weather.

I'm afraid you're making a mistake.

My name isn't Peel. So sorry.

Steed!

Subtitles by: rick@peoplesguidetothecosmos.com