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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
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3
00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:49,587
(rooster crowing)
4
00:00:50,587 --> 00:00:53,171
(gentle music)
5
00:01:09,046 --> 00:01:11,212
(rooster crowing)
6
00:01:11,296 --> 00:01:12,546
(gun firing)
7
00:01:12,629 --> 00:01:14,462
- Noisy bleeder.
8
00:01:14,546 --> 00:01:17,962
(rooster crowing)
9
00:01:18,046 --> 00:01:21,546
(rooster crowing)
10
00:01:21,629 --> 00:01:23,421
(gun firing)
11
00:01:23,504 --> 00:01:26,254
(glass smashing)
12
00:01:28,212 --> 00:01:30,462
(shouting)
13
00:01:31,337 --> 00:01:34,421
(upbeat piano music)
14
00:01:38,296 --> 00:01:40,546
(groaning)
15
00:01:40,629 --> 00:01:43,212
(upbeat music)
16
00:01:50,796 --> 00:01:52,879
(coughing)
17
00:01:52,962 --> 00:01:55,546
(upbeat music)
18
00:02:54,296 --> 00:02:56,462
- Right, where's my dinner money?
19
00:02:56,546 --> 00:02:57,671
- We haven't got any.
20
00:02:57,754 --> 00:02:59,254
You'll have to make do with sandwiches.
21
00:02:59,337 --> 00:03:00,629
- I can't go all day
without proper dinner.
22
00:03:00,712 --> 00:03:03,171
- We can't afford two hot meals a day.
23
00:03:03,254 --> 00:03:05,921
We're not earning it.
We'll have to economise.
24
00:03:09,004 --> 00:03:10,546
- The bleeding horse gets his dinner.
25
00:03:10,629 --> 00:03:13,671
- Well that's different. He's
more important than you are.
26
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,004
- Thank you very much.
27
00:03:16,046 --> 00:03:17,879
- [Albert] Gotta keep him healthy.
28
00:03:17,962 --> 00:03:20,629
If he packs it in, we've had it.
29
00:03:22,171 --> 00:03:25,212
- Why don't you stop smoking
that horrible tobacco?
30
00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,212
Even stinks the yard out.
31
00:03:27,754 --> 00:03:29,962
- It's the only enjoyment
I get outta life.
32
00:03:30,046 --> 00:03:32,212
They're the cheapest they've got.
33
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:33,879
- It smells like it.
34
00:03:33,962 --> 00:03:35,379
Horse manure and bus tickets.
35
00:03:35,462 --> 00:03:37,212
- I can't afford anything else.
36
00:03:37,296 --> 00:03:38,712
We've had a lot of bills lately.
37
00:03:38,796 --> 00:03:40,504
- Now look, you, I've got...
38
00:03:42,754 --> 00:03:44,462
I am not interested.
39
00:03:44,671 --> 00:03:47,962
Broke or not, if there is
no meat for me on the table
40
00:03:48,046 --> 00:03:49,587
when I come in tonight, I'm warning you,
41
00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:51,921
the horse is going out
with one leg missing
42
00:03:52,004 --> 00:03:53,962
tomorrow, all right?
43
00:03:54,046 --> 00:03:57,004
And no secret eating before I get home.
44
00:03:57,087 --> 00:03:59,171
We shall eat together in
full view of each other.
45
00:03:59,254 --> 00:04:01,837
In future, I wanna see every
little forkful that goes
46
00:04:01,921 --> 00:04:05,254
down that horrible little grub
tunnel of yours, understand?
47
00:04:07,504 --> 00:04:08,754
Good morning, Pater.
48
00:04:08,837 --> 00:04:13,171
Don't call me at the office.
I shall be in conference.
49
00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:15,921
(calling horse)
50
00:04:16,629 --> 00:04:18,754
Have a good day in the garden, Father.
51
00:04:18,837 --> 00:04:21,046
Get Jenkins to prune the elms, will you?
52
00:04:21,129 --> 00:04:23,462
- If you brought home some
good stuff for a change,
53
00:04:23,546 --> 00:04:24,921
we might earn a decent living.
54
00:04:25,004 --> 00:04:25,754
- Cobblers.
55
00:04:25,837 --> 00:04:28,379
- And look after that horse.
56
00:04:28,462 --> 00:04:31,546
(upbeat light music)
57
00:04:34,421 --> 00:04:37,421
(children shouting)
58
00:04:40,421 --> 00:04:43,004
(upbeat light music)
59
00:04:43,087 --> 00:04:45,337
(shouting)
60
00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:56,004
- Woohoo, stop.
61
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:56,921
Up here!
62
00:04:58,337 --> 00:04:59,671
Woohoo, up here.
63
00:05:05,337 --> 00:05:06,671
Come on up.
64
00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:08,046
- In here, love?
65
00:05:09,629 --> 00:05:10,462
Right.
66
00:05:12,004 --> 00:05:15,087
(upbeat light music)
67
00:05:24,671 --> 00:05:28,671
(children shouting and playing)
68
00:05:30,087 --> 00:05:33,171
(upbeat light music)
69
00:05:45,129 --> 00:05:46,546
- For your horse.
70
00:05:47,504 --> 00:05:48,921
It's a carrot.
71
00:05:49,379 --> 00:05:50,671
Don't forget to give it to him, will you?
72
00:05:50,796 --> 00:05:53,921
And I'll have another one
for him next week, bye-bye.
73
00:05:56,254 --> 00:06:00,254
Oh, would you mind posting
these letters for me, please?
74
00:06:00,254 --> 00:06:01,254
Thank you.
75
00:06:02,504 --> 00:06:05,087
(door closing)
76
00:06:06,629 --> 00:06:09,712
(upbeat light music)
77
00:06:21,421 --> 00:06:24,254
(horse whinnying)
78
00:06:25,129 --> 00:06:27,421
- No no no, I'll take half.
79
00:06:27,504 --> 00:06:30,587
(upbeat light music)
80
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,921
- [Boy] Are you the rag
and bone man?
81
00:06:38,004 --> 00:06:40,421
- No, I'm Aristotle Onassis.
82
00:06:40,504 --> 00:06:42,587
Missus over there
getting a packet of fags.
83
00:06:42,671 --> 00:06:44,296
- My mum says if you want my dad's clothes
84
00:06:44,379 --> 00:06:45,671
you can come and get them.
85
00:06:47,296 --> 00:06:49,504
- Oh God, what floor?
86
00:06:49,587 --> 00:06:50,421
- In there.
87
00:06:50,462 --> 00:06:52,837
- Oh, that's all right then.
88
00:06:53,087 --> 00:06:53,962
Come on.
89
00:06:56,129 --> 00:07:00,129
(children shouting and playing)
90
00:07:03,171 --> 00:07:04,587
- He's here, Mum.
91
00:07:05,504 --> 00:07:06,337
- [Mum] Hello.
92
00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:11,462
- Good morning.
93
00:07:11,754 --> 00:07:13,462
(children shouting and playing)
94
00:07:13,546 --> 00:07:16,212
- I've seen you round
here before, haven't I?
95
00:07:16,296 --> 00:07:19,004
- Yes, I do come round
this way quite often.
96
00:07:19,087 --> 00:07:21,212
- Yeah, so I've noticed.
97
00:07:21,837 --> 00:07:23,337
- I believe you have
some old clothes for me?
98
00:07:24,129 --> 00:07:26,087
- Yeah, come in.
99
00:07:26,171 --> 00:07:29,171
(children shouting)
100
00:07:33,379 --> 00:07:35,421
Come on, you lot. Get out.
101
00:07:35,462 --> 00:07:37,337
Get out. I've got business to do.
102
00:07:37,337 --> 00:07:39,837
I said out! Clear out.
103
00:07:40,337 --> 00:07:43,337
(footsteps running)
104
00:07:45,046 --> 00:07:47,879
Children are a bit of
a trial, aren't they?
105
00:07:47,921 --> 00:07:49,171
- I don't know. I aint got any.
106
00:07:49,254 --> 00:07:49,754
- Oh.
107
00:07:49,796 --> 00:07:50,671
- I'm not married.
108
00:07:50,962 --> 00:07:54,296
- Oh, now then, where were we?
109
00:07:54,587 --> 00:07:55,629
- Clothes.
110
00:07:55,712 --> 00:07:57,546
- Oh yes, my husband's.
111
00:07:57,671 --> 00:07:58,421
- Don't he want them then?
112
00:07:58,462 --> 00:07:59,421
- No, he's dead.
113
00:07:59,462 --> 00:08:00,671
- Oh.
114
00:08:00,796 --> 00:08:02,462
I'm most terribly sorry.
115
00:08:02,462 --> 00:08:03,879
- I didn't know what to
do with them, you see.
116
00:08:03,962 --> 00:08:06,296
I was gonna sling them out,
and then I saw you out there.
117
00:08:06,421 --> 00:08:07,837
- I do pay the best prices.
118
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:11,504
- I thought to myself, poor
man, he must be freezing.
119
00:08:11,546 --> 00:08:14,671
- It is a bit parky, but I'm used to it.
120
00:08:14,796 --> 00:08:17,796
- Parky? You're chilled to the bone.
121
00:08:17,796 --> 00:08:21,421
What you need is a stiff drink inside you.
122
00:08:21,462 --> 00:08:24,379
- I really better not. I
should be getting along.
123
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:25,296
- Would you mind?
124
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:27,337
Now then,
125
00:08:29,171 --> 00:08:32,046
can you see anything you like?
126
00:08:33,462 --> 00:08:36,004
I know, a nice drop of brandy.
127
00:08:37,671 --> 00:08:39,129
Put them down anywhere.
128
00:08:45,296 --> 00:08:46,129
There.
129
00:08:48,671 --> 00:08:51,171
Well, by the side of you,
130
00:08:51,212 --> 00:08:53,129
and on the top of you,
131
00:08:53,171 --> 00:08:54,671
and underneath you.
132
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,921
And right inside you.
133
00:08:59,921 --> 00:09:02,837
(glasses clinking)
134
00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:08,462
- Now about the clothes.
135
00:09:09,587 --> 00:09:11,296
- Oh, there's plenty of time for that.
136
00:09:11,296 --> 00:09:12,046
- There isn't.
137
00:09:12,087 --> 00:09:14,546
I've got the horse outside
without the brake on.
138
00:09:15,046 --> 00:09:16,296
If I could just see the clothes.
139
00:09:16,379 --> 00:09:17,879
- Well all right then.
140
00:09:17,879 --> 00:09:20,254
They're just in here.
141
00:09:26,712 --> 00:09:28,337
(door closing)
142
00:09:28,337 --> 00:09:30,379
- No no, ma'am, I've gotta feed the horse.
143
00:09:30,462 --> 00:09:32,004
- Well he can have his oats later.
144
00:09:32,087 --> 00:09:33,254
Here they are.
145
00:09:34,379 --> 00:09:35,504
And, uh,
146
00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:39,754
you can take the lot.
147
00:09:42,046 --> 00:09:47,046
- Yes, it's very nice quality.
I can take all of this.
148
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,171
(crying)
149
00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:52,129
If it upsets you selling all
his gear, I'll put it back.
150
00:09:52,129 --> 00:09:53,046
- No no.
151
00:09:53,171 --> 00:09:55,546
I want you to have them.
152
00:09:55,754 --> 00:09:58,837
It's just that it gets
so lonely being a widow.
153
00:09:58,837 --> 00:09:59,671
- Does it?
154
00:10:01,421 --> 00:10:03,504
- It's the nights that are the worst.
155
00:10:03,587 --> 00:10:04,921
- Yeah, I'm sure.
156
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,587
Hang on, it's only just lunchtime.
157
00:10:06,671 --> 00:10:09,129
- Please don't go. Stay with me.
158
00:10:09,212 --> 00:10:10,254
- I'm very flattered, madam, but--
159
00:10:10,337 --> 00:10:11,629
- I need you company, see.
160
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,546
You've got such a kind face.
161
00:10:13,629 --> 00:10:15,462
My husband, he was such a brute.
162
00:10:15,546 --> 00:10:16,921
He used to beat me.
163
00:10:17,004 --> 00:10:17,754
- The swine.
164
00:10:17,837 --> 00:10:18,671
- Yes.
165
00:10:20,296 --> 00:10:22,921
(shouting)
166
00:10:23,004 --> 00:10:26,171
Stay with me. Stay with
me just for a little.
167
00:10:26,254 --> 00:10:28,337
- The kids'll be here in a minute.
168
00:10:28,421 --> 00:10:30,046
(gasping)
169
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:30,962
Who's that?
170
00:10:30,962 --> 00:10:32,379
- Him.
171
00:10:32,712 --> 00:10:33,504
- He's dead.
172
00:10:33,587 --> 00:10:35,212
- Well I told you he was.
173
00:10:35,296 --> 00:10:37,171
- Yeah, but God blimey, not this morning!
174
00:10:37,254 --> 00:10:38,837
- No, yesterday.
175
00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:40,504
- That don't make it any better, do it?
176
00:10:40,504 --> 00:10:41,879
- He was a pig.
177
00:10:41,962 --> 00:10:45,921
- And you was willing
to, in here, with me,
178
00:10:45,962 --> 00:10:46,837
while he was--
179
00:10:48,129 --> 00:10:49,212
Okay, out of here.
180
00:10:49,296 --> 00:10:50,962
- No, hold on.
181
00:10:51,046 --> 00:10:53,629
Look, that's a good suit he's got on him.
182
00:10:53,712 --> 00:10:55,337
Won't take me a minute to get it off him.
183
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:56,337
- You can't bury him naked.
184
00:10:56,421 --> 00:10:58,712
- No, I'll put one of the others on him.
185
00:10:58,796 --> 00:11:01,754
I mean, it's a shame to waste
it. It come from Cecil G's.
186
00:11:02,546 --> 00:11:04,296
- I don't want it.
187
00:11:04,379 --> 00:11:06,212
I don't want none of them!
188
00:11:06,296 --> 00:11:10,379
Look, I'm a a rag and bone man.
I'm not a poxy grave robber.
189
00:11:13,504 --> 00:11:14,337
- Oh.
190
00:11:19,129 --> 00:11:21,421
What are you bleeding grinning at?
191
00:11:26,962 --> 00:11:28,712
(groaning)
192
00:11:28,796 --> 00:11:31,587
(rooster crowing)
193
00:11:31,671 --> 00:11:34,171
(light music)
194
00:11:47,671 --> 00:11:50,587
(chickens clucking)
195
00:11:50,671 --> 00:11:53,171
(light music)
196
00:12:01,962 --> 00:12:04,712
(chicken squawking)
197
00:12:04,837 --> 00:12:07,337
(light music)
198
00:12:32,046 --> 00:12:34,087
(sniffing)
199
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:36,671
(light music)
200
00:12:48,712 --> 00:12:49,546
- York?
201
00:12:51,046 --> 00:12:52,379
York?
202
00:12:52,421 --> 00:12:53,962
- York.
203
00:12:54,212 --> 00:12:55,046
Oh!
204
00:12:56,004 --> 00:12:58,421
- Who the hell do you
think you are, Dick Turpin?
205
00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:01,587
Poor old stag.
206
00:13:01,671 --> 00:13:04,879
- That poor old stag. Never
mind about poor Harold.
207
00:13:04,962 --> 00:13:06,546
Three solid days on the road.
208
00:13:06,629 --> 00:13:08,712
- You was driving. He was pulling.
209
00:13:08,796 --> 00:13:11,879
- Don't matter about me. Sleeping
in fields, nothing to eat.
210
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:13,379
- That's not my fault.
211
00:13:13,671 --> 00:13:15,129
I had your dinner ready.
212
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:19,712
- A Bombay shiv would have
left more on it than that.
213
00:13:19,712 --> 00:13:20,962
- I was hungry.
214
00:13:22,129 --> 00:13:24,671
- You just couldn't
save me any, could you?
215
00:13:24,754 --> 00:13:27,504
- If that vet finds out that
you've damaged that horse,
216
00:13:27,587 --> 00:13:28,712
I'm warning you.
217
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:31,421
Walking him all that way.
218
00:13:31,504 --> 00:13:32,962
Must be close on 200 miles.
219
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,129
- What'd you expect me to do,
220
00:13:34,212 --> 00:13:36,296
put him in the car, pull him myself?
221
00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:37,879
- You coulda put him on the train.
222
00:13:37,921 --> 00:13:41,379
- Oh yes, intercity, first class.
223
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:44,796
Ooh, the horse would have liked that.
224
00:13:44,837 --> 00:13:47,754
Oh yes, sitting back there
with his feet crossed.
225
00:13:48,004 --> 00:13:49,962
Doing the Times crossword.
226
00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:53,629
- I'm talking about, like,
people put their cars on trains.
227
00:13:53,671 --> 00:13:55,712
- You're lucky it wasn't
one of them French lorries.
228
00:13:55,796 --> 00:13:58,337
We might have ended up in Marseilles.
229
00:13:58,421 --> 00:13:59,337
I wish we had a done.
230
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,754
I coulda flogged the horse
to some restaurant owner,
231
00:14:01,837 --> 00:14:03,254
and stayed there.
232
00:14:03,337 --> 00:14:04,754
Ooh, all of that unmarried romper,
233
00:14:04,837 --> 00:14:08,254
lying on the beach, sizzling
in the hot sun (laughs).
234
00:14:08,296 --> 00:14:12,046
Come on. Let's go see this
precious pet of yours.
235
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:14,837
- How is he, Doctor?
236
00:14:14,879 --> 00:14:16,837
- I've given him a thorough examination.
237
00:14:16,837 --> 00:14:18,796
There's no doubt about it. He's lame.
238
00:14:18,879 --> 00:14:20,587
I'm afraid he's strained
his heart as well.
239
00:14:20,629 --> 00:14:22,629
- That's you, lad. You've ruined him.
240
00:14:22,712 --> 00:14:23,879
- I wouldn't say that.
241
00:14:23,962 --> 00:14:25,337
Providing he does nothing
strenuous, there's not reason
242
00:14:25,421 --> 00:14:27,504
why he should live for several more years.
243
00:14:27,796 --> 00:14:30,337
Give him one of these, three
times a day after meals.
244
00:14:30,629 --> 00:14:32,504
Plenty of rest, that's what he needs.
245
00:14:34,546 --> 00:14:35,379
My bill.
246
00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:40,712
My bill.
247
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:41,712
- Yeah.
248
00:14:41,796 --> 00:14:43,421
Oh, our accounts department will take care
249
00:14:43,421 --> 00:14:45,004
of that at the end of the month.
250
00:14:49,087 --> 00:14:51,421
- What's going to happen to him, Harold?
251
00:14:52,296 --> 00:14:54,504
- You know very well what's
going to happen to him.
252
00:14:55,087 --> 00:14:56,296
Poor old Tibble.
253
00:14:57,546 --> 00:14:59,712
He'll have to be put down, I suppose.
254
00:15:00,254 --> 00:15:01,337
- Put down?
255
00:15:02,212 --> 00:15:03,046
- Yeah.
256
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:08,504
Well, what else can we do?
257
00:15:08,546 --> 00:15:10,046
We gotta have a new horse, haven't we?
258
00:15:10,254 --> 00:15:12,296
Without any horse, we're knackered.
259
00:15:12,296 --> 00:15:15,837
We got nothing. We might as
well be put down with him.
260
00:15:15,879 --> 00:15:17,796
Wallop, wallop, wallop!
261
00:15:19,837 --> 00:15:21,629
Well we've gotta be practical.
262
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,337
- How much you gonna ask for him then?
263
00:15:23,379 --> 00:15:25,296
30 pieces of silver?
264
00:15:26,004 --> 00:15:28,962
Oh please, Harold, don't do it.
265
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:33,046
After all he's meant to us,
he deserves better than that.
266
00:15:33,921 --> 00:15:36,671
Every time I go into
that supermarket and see
267
00:15:36,754 --> 00:15:41,421
all them stacks of tin dog
food, I'll think of him.
268
00:15:42,796 --> 00:15:46,462
- Yeah, I never thought of it like that.
269
00:15:52,421 --> 00:15:54,254
(horse nickering)
270
00:15:54,337 --> 00:15:57,004
- He's going to live out his natural span.
271
00:15:57,046 --> 00:15:58,587
- [Harold] Oh don't get sloppy.
272
00:16:01,504 --> 00:16:02,337
- Goodbye, old son.
273
00:16:02,421 --> 00:16:05,171
I'll come and see you on
the green lawn every week.
274
00:16:05,212 --> 00:16:07,046
- Sure you don't wanna move in with him?
275
00:16:07,337 --> 00:16:09,629
Oh come on, Dad, don't hang it out.
276
00:16:09,671 --> 00:16:11,962
- Cheerio. See you next week.
277
00:16:12,921 --> 00:16:14,254
Give him a pat, Harold.
278
00:16:15,629 --> 00:16:16,504
- Cheerio.
279
00:16:16,587 --> 00:16:19,087
(light music)
280
00:16:20,629 --> 00:16:23,129
(horse whinnying)
281
00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:26,212
Look, he's not too old for that, is he?
282
00:16:26,254 --> 00:16:27,254
(upbeat music)
283
00:16:27,296 --> 00:16:31,421
- Look at him. He'll be dead in a week.
284
00:16:31,671 --> 00:16:33,879
- I think he's going to be happy, Harold.
285
00:16:37,337 --> 00:16:40,171
(horse whinnying)
286
00:16:41,129 --> 00:16:43,379
(coughing)
287
00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:45,212
(muttering)
288
00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,546
(coughing)
289
00:16:50,754 --> 00:16:54,129
- I wish you'd stop smoking
those horrible, stinking fags.
290
00:16:54,171 --> 00:16:56,754
You should be declared a
one-man pollution area.
291
00:16:56,796 --> 00:16:59,129
- That's it. That's the lot.
292
00:16:59,171 --> 00:17:02,171
Me life savings, 89 pounds.
293
00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:06,296
- As much as that? Your
life savings, 89 quid.
294
00:17:06,421 --> 00:17:10,754
That's about 22 bob a year.
That is a remarkable growth.
295
00:17:10,837 --> 00:17:14,421
Here, you must tell me the
name of your merchant bankers.
296
00:17:14,462 --> 00:17:16,129
Have you ever thought of going public?
297
00:17:16,129 --> 00:17:17,754
- It's better than a kick up the arse.
298
00:17:17,754 --> 00:17:20,129
- Which is exactly what
I feel like giving you.
299
00:17:20,171 --> 00:17:22,754
- Nine pounds for emergencies,
300
00:17:22,796 --> 00:17:25,171
and 80 pounds for a new horse.
301
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,546
We'll go down to Southall
Market, but we're not giving it
302
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:30,254
away on a load of old rubbish.
303
00:17:30,587 --> 00:17:32,004
Ooh!
304
00:17:37,046 --> 00:17:40,712
- [Auctioneer] 74, 74, 74 pounds the bid.
305
00:17:40,796 --> 00:17:44,004
(crowd chattering)
306
00:17:44,087 --> 00:17:45,004
75, 75, 75,
307
00:17:46,254 --> 00:17:48,421
76, 76, 76 pounds the bid.
308
00:17:51,629 --> 00:17:53,379
At 77, 77, 77 pounds.
309
00:17:56,421 --> 00:17:58,962
- Young, strong, good legs.
310
00:17:58,962 --> 00:18:00,629
Nice big shoulders.
311
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:02,129
- Look, I'm the one that has to drive it.
312
00:18:02,171 --> 00:18:02,962
I know what we want.
313
00:18:03,046 --> 00:18:04,837
- I'm only telling you.
314
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:06,379
There's a good one over there.
315
00:18:06,462 --> 00:18:08,296
- Suppose you'd like to
buy the bleeding thing.
316
00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:10,837
- [Albert] No, no, I'll leave it to you.
317
00:18:10,879 --> 00:18:12,462
- I'm not completely daft, you know.
318
00:18:12,546 --> 00:18:14,962
I don't know much, but
I do know about horses.
319
00:18:15,046 --> 00:18:16,004
- I know you do.
320
00:18:16,046 --> 00:18:17,962
- Well just trust me
for once in your life!
321
00:18:17,962 --> 00:18:19,587
- All right, all right.
322
00:18:19,587 --> 00:18:22,254
- I mean, God blimey, you
still like to put my money
323
00:18:22,296 --> 00:18:23,962
down my glove when I go down the road
324
00:18:24,046 --> 00:18:25,837
to buy a bottle of Guinness for you.
325
00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,879
Look, all I gotta do is pick
out a nice, clean animal,
326
00:18:28,921 --> 00:18:30,754
put the money down and bring it home.
327
00:18:30,837 --> 00:18:31,546
- I know.
328
00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:32,837
- There's hundreds of animals here.
329
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:33,629
We've got to have our pick.
330
00:18:33,629 --> 00:18:34,796
- I know you can.
331
00:18:34,837 --> 00:18:35,837
- Well then.
332
00:18:35,837 --> 00:18:38,171
- It's just important
we buy the right one.
333
00:18:38,212 --> 00:18:41,296
- I know it is. That is what I'm saying.
334
00:18:42,129 --> 00:18:43,004
- All right then.
335
00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:43,837
- Right.
336
00:18:43,921 --> 00:18:44,754
- Right.
337
00:18:45,879 --> 00:18:47,046
(horse whinnying)
338
00:18:47,129 --> 00:18:48,254
There's a nice one over there.
339
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,212
- Why don't you mind your own business?
340
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,004
I am not buying an animal with you here.
341
00:18:53,087 --> 00:18:55,546
Now go home. Hop it.
342
00:18:55,587 --> 00:18:57,379
Ooh, you irritate me.
343
00:18:57,421 --> 00:18:59,046
Go on, get off home.
344
00:18:59,212 --> 00:19:00,629
- I wanna stop here.
345
00:19:02,796 --> 00:19:05,546
- If you don't let me
buy this horse on my own,
346
00:19:05,629 --> 00:19:07,212
I'm packing it in, I'm finished.
347
00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:08,421
Now I mean it.
348
00:19:09,129 --> 00:19:11,504
- There's a lotta twisters
round here, Harold.
349
00:19:11,546 --> 00:19:12,379
- Go home!
350
00:19:14,796 --> 00:19:16,671
(horse whinnying)
351
00:19:16,754 --> 00:19:18,546
- There's a nice one over there.
352
00:19:18,629 --> 00:19:19,712
- Get out of here.
353
00:19:19,796 --> 00:19:21,587
Go on, go on, go on!
354
00:19:21,671 --> 00:19:23,004
Go on, out.
355
00:19:23,087 --> 00:19:24,421
- I wanna still be here.
356
00:19:24,504 --> 00:19:26,504
- Go on, get out. Go on!
357
00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:31,837
- [Auctioneer] 126,128.
358
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:33,879
- Hi, Harold.
359
00:19:33,921 --> 00:19:36,337
- Hello, Frankie, how are you?
360
00:19:36,379 --> 00:19:39,546
- Fine. Are you looking for a new animal?
361
00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:40,379
- Yeah.
362
00:19:41,546 --> 00:19:42,921
- Got just the one for you.
363
00:19:42,921 --> 00:19:44,296
- Yeah?
364
00:19:44,462 --> 00:19:46,796
Is it a bit (laughs)?
365
00:19:47,129 --> 00:19:50,337
(group laughing)
366
00:19:50,421 --> 00:19:55,254
("God Save the Queen" instrumental music)
367
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:07,921
(television beeping)
368
00:20:11,629 --> 00:20:13,421
- Where the bleeding hell is he?
369
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,504
(Harold shouting)
370
00:20:16,004 --> 00:20:18,921
(items clattering)
371
00:20:25,629 --> 00:20:28,337
Harold, is that you, Harold?
372
00:20:28,337 --> 00:20:31,546
- Yes, yes, tis I, tis I.
373
00:20:31,712 --> 00:20:35,629
โช Hello, little Daddy, barefoot days โช
374
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:37,462
โช When we were just 16 โช
375
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,587
- You're drunk!
376
00:20:39,129 --> 00:20:40,504
- Yes, I'm drunk.
377
00:20:40,546 --> 00:20:43,671
In barefoot days, drunk
with power and success
378
00:20:43,754 --> 00:20:46,337
in the barefoot days (laughs).
379
00:20:47,087 --> 00:20:48,754
- If you spent all that money on--
380
00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:52,712
- Ah, ah, ah ah, fear not, little Dad.
381
00:20:52,796 --> 00:20:55,337
The family fortunes is intact.
382
00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,296
Meet Hercules the Second.
383
00:20:59,296 --> 00:21:01,796
(light music)
384
00:21:05,337 --> 00:21:08,087
(dog whining)
385
00:21:08,087 --> 00:21:09,629
- What's that?
386
00:21:09,712 --> 00:21:11,879
Greyhound! Oh my God!
387
00:21:11,921 --> 00:21:14,421
(light music)
388
00:21:16,796 --> 00:21:20,879
- A greyhound. A bleeding greyhound.
389
00:21:20,921 --> 00:21:22,504
- Ooh.
390
00:21:22,504 --> 00:21:24,337
Dad, please don't shout.
391
00:21:24,421 --> 00:21:26,046
- We want your head is examined.
392
00:21:26,129 --> 00:21:28,462
- I wish I could have it
changed at the moment.
393
00:21:28,837 --> 00:21:30,254
Oh God, God, God.
394
00:21:32,671 --> 00:21:35,171
- How can he pull the cart?
395
00:21:35,254 --> 00:21:36,879
- Strangely enough, that is not the role
396
00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:37,921
I had in mind for him.
397
00:21:37,962 --> 00:21:41,754
Now, if you will sit down
quietly, I will explain.
398
00:21:41,796 --> 00:21:43,629
- Don't bother, just
tell me where you got him
399
00:21:43,671 --> 00:21:44,879
and I'll take him back.
400
00:21:44,962 --> 00:21:46,546
(kettle whistling)
401
00:21:46,629 --> 00:21:49,504
- Take it off, take it off.
402
00:21:49,587 --> 00:21:51,421
I bought him off of Frankie Barrow.
403
00:21:51,421 --> 00:21:52,879
- Frankie Barrow?
404
00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:54,754
The Godfather of Shepherd's Bush?
405
00:21:54,796 --> 00:21:57,171
- No he's not. He's straight now.
406
00:21:57,212 --> 00:21:58,796
- Don't give me that.
407
00:21:58,879 --> 00:22:02,046
He's got as many fiddles going
as the London Philharmonic.
408
00:22:02,087 --> 00:22:05,296
Oh well, that's it then. We've had it.
409
00:22:05,546 --> 00:22:08,671
Surprised that dog even
managed to walk round here.
410
00:22:08,754 --> 00:22:09,879
- There's nothing wrong with him.
411
00:22:10,879 --> 00:22:12,129
He's in perfect nick.
412
00:22:12,212 --> 00:22:14,587
- That's where I thought
Frankie Barrow was.
413
00:22:14,671 --> 00:22:17,212
Oh, why did you do it, Harold?
414
00:22:17,296 --> 00:22:18,921
Our last 80 quid.
415
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:19,837
- 80 quid?
416
00:22:19,921 --> 00:22:22,129
You don't think I'd pay 80
quick for a greyhound, do you?
417
00:22:22,129 --> 00:22:23,754
- Oh well that's something anyway.
418
00:22:23,754 --> 00:22:25,004
How much did you pay for him?
419
00:22:25,046 --> 00:22:25,796
- 200.
420
00:22:26,087 --> 00:22:26,962
- 200!
421
00:22:26,962 --> 00:22:29,629
- 200! 40 pound down, the
rest at the end of the month!
422
00:22:29,712 --> 00:22:30,962
- 200!
423
00:22:31,379 --> 00:22:33,337
- He's a champion greyhound, Dad.
424
00:22:33,379 --> 00:22:35,546
We'll pick up more than
that on the first race.
425
00:22:37,337 --> 00:22:39,337
Did I bring a bag home with me last night?
426
00:22:39,337 --> 00:22:41,962
- Oh God, not a woman as well.
427
00:22:42,212 --> 00:22:43,796
- A shopping bag.
428
00:22:43,837 --> 00:22:47,129
- Yeah, you left it here.
429
00:22:47,462 --> 00:22:50,129
- You should see his pedigree, Dad.
430
00:22:50,212 --> 00:22:51,837
Frankie Barrow showed it to me.
431
00:22:53,212 --> 00:22:54,837
He's descended from Mick the Miller.
432
00:22:54,921 --> 00:22:57,504
- I don't care if he's
descended from Max Miller.
433
00:22:57,587 --> 00:22:58,921
You shouldn't have done it.
434
00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:01,421
We're right up the creek now.
435
00:23:04,046 --> 00:23:05,212
That's enough for me.
436
00:23:05,296 --> 00:23:06,962
How many are you having?
437
00:23:06,962 --> 00:23:09,546
- They're not for you. They're for him.
438
00:23:09,629 --> 00:23:11,546
That's his breakfast.
439
00:23:11,629 --> 00:23:12,837
- Six eggs?
440
00:23:12,879 --> 00:23:14,921
- And a pound of steak.
441
00:23:15,004 --> 00:23:16,504
- A pound of steak?
442
00:23:16,587 --> 00:23:18,587
- It's protein, see.
443
00:23:18,671 --> 00:23:22,296
Keeps him strong, makes him run faster.
444
00:23:22,337 --> 00:23:23,712
After a couple of races,
445
00:23:23,796 --> 00:23:26,337
we'll be eating like that ourselves.
446
00:23:26,421 --> 00:23:27,921
- You're my son!
447
00:23:28,004 --> 00:23:30,921
Here, you can't give a dog steak!
448
00:23:31,004 --> 00:23:32,462
- You put that down! You put that down!
449
00:23:32,546 --> 00:23:35,129
(dog growling)
450
00:23:38,004 --> 00:23:41,129
You don't buy a Rolls-Royce
and run it on paraffin.
451
00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:42,171
- Give us a bit.
452
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:43,004
- No!
453
00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:43,879
- He mightn't like it all.
454
00:23:43,962 --> 00:23:47,837
- Well if he leaves any,
you could have a bit.
455
00:23:47,921 --> 00:23:50,087
- We can't afford to feed
him like that every day.
456
00:23:50,171 --> 00:23:52,087
- We can't afford not to, Dad.
457
00:23:52,087 --> 00:23:54,046
That is not just an ordinary dog.
458
00:23:55,296 --> 00:23:57,712
That is our passport out of this dump,
459
00:23:57,712 --> 00:23:59,296
into Bierritz, for tea.
460
00:23:59,587 --> 00:24:02,879
- I could be doing with mine
off the floor at the moment.
461
00:24:02,962 --> 00:24:04,796
Look at him. He's wolfed the lot.
462
00:24:04,879 --> 00:24:06,046
- Good, good, I mean, that shows there's
463
00:24:06,129 --> 00:24:07,962
nothing wrong with his appetite.
464
00:24:08,046 --> 00:24:09,671
- Oh, well, there's no
time like the present.
465
00:24:09,754 --> 00:24:10,796
The sooner we get to racing him,
466
00:24:10,879 --> 00:24:12,754
the sooner we start that world cruise.
467
00:24:12,837 --> 00:24:14,462
I shall give him a trial.
468
00:24:14,546 --> 00:24:15,379
Tomorrow.
469
00:24:17,546 --> 00:24:21,212
- Ee! Harold!
470
00:24:21,712 --> 00:24:23,462
- What's the matter?
471
00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:25,462
- He's done it up me leg.
472
00:24:25,546 --> 00:24:27,837
- That's so's he'll
know you again (laughs).
473
00:24:29,379 --> 00:24:30,837
It's just a friendly gesture.
474
00:24:30,879 --> 00:24:32,337
- Is it?
475
00:24:32,462 --> 00:24:34,879
Well he better watch
out when I want to go.
476
00:24:34,962 --> 00:24:37,462
(light music)
477
00:24:45,629 --> 00:24:46,546
- Here they come.
478
00:24:46,629 --> 00:24:50,837
Oh, look at him. Oh, don't
he look well trained?
479
00:24:50,921 --> 00:24:53,504
Oh, you can see that.
480
00:24:53,587 --> 00:24:56,462
Look, look, he's cool.
Aint nervous at all.
481
00:24:56,546 --> 00:24:58,921
He's not worried, because
they're born to it, you see.
482
00:24:59,004 --> 00:25:01,796
I mean, it's bred in them. It's genetics.
483
00:25:01,879 --> 00:25:04,254
Oh, cheer up. Come on, what's your...
484
00:25:04,337 --> 00:25:06,462
Hey, look at the old cheek. Look at it.
485
00:25:06,546 --> 00:25:08,671
And the bird's not bad neither.
486
00:25:08,754 --> 00:25:11,337
(dogs barking)
487
00:25:34,087 --> 00:25:36,837
(crowd cheering)
488
00:25:41,837 --> 00:25:44,337
(light music)
489
00:25:48,587 --> 00:25:50,837
(laughing)
490
00:25:50,921 --> 00:25:53,421
(light music)
491
00:25:56,796 --> 00:25:58,962
- I told you, he's a wanker.
492
00:25:59,004 --> 00:26:01,671
You'd buy anything, wouldn't you?
493
00:26:01,712 --> 00:26:04,962
If anybody ever tries to
sell you a talking parrot,
494
00:26:04,962 --> 00:26:08,712
you better look for a tape
recorder stuffed up its Khyber.
495
00:26:12,212 --> 00:26:13,546
- Oh, thank you.
496
00:26:13,712 --> 00:26:14,921
You can't win them all.
497
00:26:14,962 --> 00:26:16,296
- No, you can't.
498
00:26:22,837 --> 00:26:26,046
- Hello, Harold. Having
a few teething troubles?
499
00:26:26,129 --> 00:26:27,379
- If I was 30 years younger,
500
00:26:27,462 --> 00:26:29,337
you'd be having some teething troubles.
501
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:30,712
You knew he wouldn't win.
502
00:26:30,796 --> 00:26:32,337
You give us back our money, you twist,
503
00:26:32,379 --> 00:26:34,129
or we'll have the law on you.
504
00:26:34,296 --> 00:26:36,421
- You shut your mouth, old man.
505
00:26:36,504 --> 00:26:37,254
- Leave this to me, Father.
506
00:26:37,337 --> 00:26:40,421
Look, Frankie, although
my Pater has somewhat
507
00:26:40,504 --> 00:26:42,712
crudely overstated our case, I do feel
508
00:26:42,796 --> 00:26:45,212
that in the essence what
he says is most valid.
509
00:26:45,296 --> 00:26:47,379
Namely that we've been ripped off.
510
00:26:47,462 --> 00:26:51,129
However, I am prepared,
under the circumstances,
511
00:26:51,212 --> 00:26:55,796
to hand over the dog to you
in return for our money back.
512
00:26:55,879 --> 00:26:59,004
And we'll say no more about
it. How does that sound?
513
00:26:59,087 --> 00:27:00,087
- Very reasonable.
514
00:27:00,921 --> 00:27:02,421
I'll tell you what I'm prepared to do.
515
00:27:02,504 --> 00:27:03,421
- Yeah?
516
00:27:03,462 --> 00:27:04,337
- You keep the dog.
- Yeah?
517
00:27:04,421 --> 00:27:07,379
- And I'll keep the money
you already paid me.
518
00:27:07,462 --> 00:27:08,212
- Yeah.
519
00:27:08,296 --> 00:27:12,421
- And if the balance, i.e. 160 sheets,
520
00:27:12,504 --> 00:27:15,171
is not forthcoming by Saturday a week,
521
00:27:15,254 --> 00:27:18,754
me and my colleagues'll be
around beating on your drum
522
00:27:18,962 --> 00:27:22,129
with the Wilkinsons freshly stropped, kck.
523
00:27:23,962 --> 00:27:25,087
How does that sound?
524
00:27:26,837 --> 00:27:27,671
- Very nasty.
525
00:27:29,129 --> 00:27:30,921
- Saturday a week, all right?
526
00:27:32,462 --> 00:27:33,296
Come, gentlemen.
527
00:27:36,421 --> 00:27:37,462
- Oh my God.
528
00:27:38,421 --> 00:27:39,462
Saturday a week.
529
00:27:40,504 --> 00:27:44,921
No horse, no income, dog that won't run.
530
00:27:45,379 --> 00:27:47,796
We can't do it, Harold.
531
00:27:47,879 --> 00:27:51,629
I'm frightened. I'm too
old to be sliced up.
532
00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,421
- Oh, come on.
533
00:27:53,504 --> 00:27:55,962
Now look, no one's gonna slice you up.
534
00:27:56,004 --> 00:27:58,004
We'll get the money.
535
00:27:58,087 --> 00:28:00,254
Dumb me. We're trying it ourselves.
536
00:28:00,337 --> 00:28:02,171
All we gotta to do is to train it to run
537
00:28:02,254 --> 00:28:03,587
after a silly little rabbit.
538
00:28:03,671 --> 00:28:04,921
That can't be difficult.
539
00:28:05,004 --> 00:28:07,796
Just a little patience,
that's all we need.
540
00:28:07,879 --> 00:28:10,962
(upbeat light music)
541
00:28:15,837 --> 00:28:18,171
- Come on. Ready, steady, go!
542
00:28:18,254 --> 00:28:21,337
(upbeat light music)
543
00:28:35,712 --> 00:28:37,962
(screaming)
544
00:28:38,046 --> 00:28:40,796
(glass smashing)
545
00:28:41,962 --> 00:28:45,046
(upbeat light music)
546
00:28:56,879 --> 00:28:59,171
(register opening)
547
00:28:59,212 --> 00:29:00,921
- Yeah, that's a nice bit of meat.
548
00:29:00,962 --> 00:29:03,546
Yeah, I like that cut. Show us.
549
00:29:07,504 --> 00:29:08,837
Yeah, very nice.
550
00:29:10,337 --> 00:29:11,087
How much?
551
00:29:11,171 --> 00:29:12,379
- Two pounds 50, sir.
552
00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:16,504
(sneezing)
553
00:29:19,129 --> 00:29:19,962
- Oh.
554
00:29:21,837 --> 00:29:22,796
Sorry about that.
555
00:29:23,629 --> 00:29:25,254
How much did you say?
556
00:29:25,337 --> 00:29:26,879
- Two pounds 50, sir.
557
00:29:26,962 --> 00:29:27,921
- I don't want it.
558
00:29:29,087 --> 00:29:30,796
- What do you mean you don't want it?
559
00:29:30,837 --> 00:29:32,254
- Can't afford it.
560
00:29:32,296 --> 00:29:34,046
Give us a half a pound of sausages.
561
00:29:36,587 --> 00:29:38,629
- You're not going to put
that meat back, are you?
562
00:29:38,712 --> 00:29:40,629
He just coughed all over it.
563
00:29:40,712 --> 00:29:41,671
- Yes, I know, madam.
564
00:29:41,754 --> 00:29:42,504
- If you try to sell that,
565
00:29:42,587 --> 00:29:43,796
I shall report you to
the health authorities.
566
00:29:43,879 --> 00:29:45,337
- I'll give you 35p.
567
00:29:46,337 --> 00:29:47,462
- 50.
568
00:29:47,587 --> 00:29:48,879
- 37 and a half.
569
00:29:57,837 --> 00:29:59,962
- Hope you enjoy it, sir.
570
00:29:59,962 --> 00:30:03,504
- Oh it's not for me. It's for the dog.
571
00:30:03,546 --> 00:30:05,046
Afternoon, ladies.
572
00:30:06,546 --> 00:30:08,879
(muttering)
573
00:30:10,754 --> 00:30:13,837
(upbeat light music)
574
00:30:20,712 --> 00:30:23,087
(dog barking)
575
00:30:23,171 --> 00:30:26,254
(upbeat light music)
576
00:30:28,796 --> 00:30:29,712
- Hercules?
577
00:30:29,796 --> 00:30:32,796
Hercules The Second, stop! Hercules!
578
00:30:34,087 --> 00:30:35,337
Stop, Hercules!
579
00:30:36,421 --> 00:30:37,921
Hercules!
580
00:30:38,004 --> 00:30:41,087
(upbeat light music)
581
00:30:48,879 --> 00:30:50,004
Hercules?
582
00:30:50,087 --> 00:30:53,171
(upbeat light music)
583
00:30:55,421 --> 00:30:58,004
(shouting)
584
00:30:58,087 --> 00:31:01,171
(upbeat light music)
585
00:31:04,296 --> 00:31:07,046
(wings flapping)
586
00:31:08,212 --> 00:31:10,712
(light music)
587
00:31:15,296 --> 00:31:16,129
Hercules!
588
00:31:19,337 --> 00:31:21,254
I've lost my dog.
589
00:31:21,337 --> 00:31:22,296
Hercules!
590
00:31:22,379 --> 00:31:24,879
(light music)
591
00:31:42,087 --> 00:31:44,171
(sniffing)
592
00:31:44,379 --> 00:31:47,587
(light music)
593
00:31:47,671 --> 00:31:51,171
Hercules, Hercules (cries).
594
00:31:51,254 --> 00:31:53,754
(light music)
595
00:31:59,587 --> 00:32:01,837
(slurping)
596
00:32:03,837 --> 00:32:06,171
- Your dinner's in the oven.
597
00:32:11,379 --> 00:32:13,879
What's the matter with you?
598
00:32:13,921 --> 00:32:15,254
- We've lost him.
599
00:32:15,337 --> 00:32:16,712
He's gone.
600
00:32:16,712 --> 00:32:17,921
- Who?
601
00:32:17,921 --> 00:32:21,587
- Hercules the Second. He's run away.
602
00:32:21,629 --> 00:32:24,629
I'm sorry, Dad. It's all over.
603
00:32:24,671 --> 00:32:27,796
- He's not gone. He's
upstairs in bed having a kip.
604
00:32:28,004 --> 00:32:29,379
- Oh geez.
605
00:32:29,421 --> 00:32:32,837
- Came tearing in here
like a blue-arse fly.
606
00:32:33,046 --> 00:32:35,837
Four o'clock this afternoon.
607
00:32:35,837 --> 00:32:37,046
- When?
608
00:32:37,129 --> 00:32:38,462
- Four o'clock.
609
00:32:38,629 --> 00:32:39,879
- He couldn't have done.
610
00:32:39,921 --> 00:32:41,921
He didn't run away till 10 till...
611
00:32:43,504 --> 00:32:45,129
Just a minute.
612
00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:46,546
How far is Eckham Park?
613
00:32:47,546 --> 00:32:48,712
- Five miles?
614
00:32:48,754 --> 00:32:51,254
- Five miles, in 10 minutes?
615
00:32:52,921 --> 00:32:54,712
He must have broken a world's record.
616
00:32:55,962 --> 00:32:58,337
He can run! Dad, he can run!
617
00:32:58,379 --> 00:33:00,212
I told you, he can run!
618
00:33:00,504 --> 00:33:02,171
All we've gotta do is teach him
619
00:33:02,212 --> 00:33:03,921
to come out of the trap, and we're in.
620
00:33:03,921 --> 00:33:05,796
He can run! He can run!
621
00:33:05,837 --> 00:33:08,921
(upbeat light music)
622
00:33:19,462 --> 00:33:21,796
(shouting)
623
00:33:21,879 --> 00:33:24,962
(upbeat light music)
624
00:33:31,587 --> 00:33:32,421
- Ready?
625
00:33:33,212 --> 00:33:34,504
Go.
626
00:33:34,671 --> 00:33:37,962
(upbeat light music)
627
00:33:38,254 --> 00:33:40,046
Come on, come on!
628
00:33:40,129 --> 00:33:42,796
Faster. Come on, come on.
629
00:33:42,879 --> 00:33:44,212
Move it, faster!
630
00:33:46,046 --> 00:33:47,046
Here you go!
631
00:33:48,087 --> 00:33:50,921
Go around again, go around again!
632
00:33:50,962 --> 00:33:53,046
You're too slow, too slow!
633
00:33:53,296 --> 00:33:55,337
It's supposed to be a
rabbit, not a bleeding snail.
634
00:33:56,212 --> 00:34:00,379
Here you are now!
Here you go again, off!
635
00:34:00,462 --> 00:34:03,379
(shouting angrily)
636
00:34:07,504 --> 00:34:08,546
Out!
637
00:34:08,587 --> 00:34:10,629
Out! Come on, will you come out?
638
00:34:10,629 --> 00:34:12,296
Please come out!
639
00:34:12,337 --> 00:34:13,879
Chase the rabbit.
640
00:34:16,837 --> 00:34:19,712
Chase the rabbit! Chase the rabbit!
641
00:34:19,796 --> 00:34:22,712
(shouting angrily)
642
00:34:30,337 --> 00:34:32,212
I don't understand it.
643
00:34:32,212 --> 00:34:34,296
All dogs chase things surely.
644
00:34:35,921 --> 00:34:37,171
We know he can run.
645
00:34:38,254 --> 00:34:40,337
Look, that is a rabbit.
646
00:34:40,462 --> 00:34:42,879
You're supposed to chase it. You're a dog.
647
00:34:43,129 --> 00:34:44,254
Let's go.
648
00:34:44,962 --> 00:34:45,796
Seize it.
649
00:34:47,337 --> 00:34:49,296
Over there, you daft pillock.
650
00:34:50,546 --> 00:34:52,379
What's the matter, you blind or something?
651
00:34:55,587 --> 00:34:57,046
That's it.
652
00:34:57,129 --> 00:34:58,712
I'll bet that's it.
653
00:35:01,546 --> 00:35:04,379
He can't see a bleeding thing.
654
00:35:04,504 --> 00:35:06,129
- Get those on you, here.
655
00:35:06,212 --> 00:35:09,004
Let me get your ears over. That's right.
656
00:35:09,087 --> 00:35:10,712
Now, how's that?
657
00:35:10,796 --> 00:35:11,712
(Harold growling)
658
00:35:11,712 --> 00:35:13,587
See anything?
659
00:35:14,087 --> 00:35:15,087
No.
660
00:35:15,129 --> 00:35:18,462
Oh, try another pair, shall we?
661
00:35:18,754 --> 00:35:20,087
Here, how about these ones?
662
00:35:20,129 --> 00:35:22,004
These are nice, they're gold.
663
00:35:22,046 --> 00:35:24,879
(Harold growling)
664
00:35:28,337 --> 00:35:31,962
How about these then? Oh,
that's a lovely frame.
665
00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,837
Yeah, and it matches your coat.
666
00:35:33,879 --> 00:35:35,004
(Harold growling)
667
00:35:35,046 --> 00:35:36,379
(dog barking)
668
00:35:36,421 --> 00:35:37,671
- They're the ones!
669
00:35:37,712 --> 00:35:39,462
You'll be unbeatable! You can see!
670
00:35:39,462 --> 00:35:43,296
- They won't let him race wearing glasses.
671
00:35:43,337 --> 00:35:47,671
- Not glasses, contact lenses.
672
00:35:48,504 --> 00:35:49,337
- Ready?
673
00:35:50,212 --> 00:35:51,087
Go!
674
00:35:51,379 --> 00:35:54,462
(upbeat light music)
675
00:35:55,837 --> 00:35:57,004
Go, boy!
676
00:35:57,087 --> 00:35:59,379
He's got it, he's got it!
677
00:35:59,462 --> 00:36:01,129
He's about to do it!
678
00:36:04,171 --> 00:36:07,754
(bicycle crashing)
679
00:36:07,796 --> 00:36:10,712
If you ruined that dog, I'll murder you.
680
00:36:10,754 --> 00:36:13,629
(moaning)
681
00:36:13,796 --> 00:36:16,671
(crowd chattering)
682
00:36:21,837 --> 00:36:25,921
- There you are, mate.
Converted for North Sea gas, that is.
683
00:36:27,837 --> 00:36:30,421
Three hundred and eighty quid
on you, right on the nose.
684
00:36:30,504 --> 00:36:32,421
Eight to one. You rest now.
685
00:36:32,504 --> 00:36:34,504
Massage the wallets. Give them an airing.
686
00:36:34,587 --> 00:36:35,629
It's all beautiful stuff.
687
00:36:35,671 --> 00:36:37,712
From the consumer to the consu...
688
00:36:37,754 --> 00:36:40,546
Oh, sir, oh yes, how very elegant.
689
00:36:40,754 --> 00:36:42,421
Madame, that is the fashion, you see.
690
00:36:42,504 --> 00:36:43,421
Send the vent straight up the back.
691
00:36:43,504 --> 00:36:44,546
Have you seen the label?
692
00:36:44,629 --> 00:36:45,712
That's Seville Row, that is.
693
00:36:45,796 --> 00:36:48,046
As worn by John Mills in Ryan's Daughter.
694
00:36:48,129 --> 00:36:49,712
Beautiful fit, sir.
695
00:36:49,796 --> 00:36:54,379
Oh, lovely pair of wrist
cutters, darling, 25p to you.
696
00:36:54,462 --> 00:36:57,546
Have a word with the old man inside.
697
00:36:57,587 --> 00:36:59,504
Oh, Miss, very elegant.
698
00:37:01,212 --> 00:37:02,337
- Just like me mum used to wear.
699
00:37:02,421 --> 00:37:04,671
- Oh (laughs). Would
you like to try it on?
700
00:37:04,754 --> 00:37:06,046
- Don't mind, but where?
701
00:37:06,129 --> 00:37:07,462
- In the stable.
702
00:37:09,254 --> 00:37:11,379
- All right, come on.
703
00:37:11,462 --> 00:37:12,754
- You forgot.
704
00:37:12,837 --> 00:37:15,754
(crowd chattering)
705
00:37:19,337 --> 00:37:22,337
- [Albert] Harold, Harold!
706
00:37:22,754 --> 00:37:24,046
- I won't be a minute, darling.
707
00:37:24,087 --> 00:37:25,712
Just make yourself comfortable.
708
00:37:27,171 --> 00:37:30,087
(crowd chattering)
709
00:37:32,129 --> 00:37:34,046
Now, what do you want?
710
00:37:34,087 --> 00:37:37,129
- Bleeding locusts,
they're buying the lot.
711
00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:38,296
- That's the idea.
712
00:37:38,296 --> 00:37:40,379
Ooh, you've done well there.
713
00:37:40,421 --> 00:37:41,921
You keep up the good work.
714
00:37:42,046 --> 00:37:43,837
- Harold, don't sell everything.
715
00:37:43,879 --> 00:37:46,254
This is our lot. We
won't have anything left.
716
00:37:46,337 --> 00:37:48,296
- Not when that dog
comes in at eight to one
717
00:37:48,379 --> 00:37:49,337
with this little lot on him.
718
00:37:49,421 --> 00:37:50,879
We'll have all new stuff.
719
00:37:50,962 --> 00:37:51,796
There you go, sir.
720
00:37:51,879 --> 00:37:54,546
That's it, keep on, genuine
antiques. It's a fire sale.
721
00:37:54,629 --> 00:37:59,629
Don't sell the telly. It's a loaner.
722
00:37:59,754 --> 00:38:01,046
- Do you mind? That's mine.
723
00:38:01,129 --> 00:38:03,629
- All right, miserable old bastard.
724
00:38:03,712 --> 00:38:05,712
(screaming)
725
00:38:05,796 --> 00:38:08,962
- That was my tea, you silly old cow.
726
00:38:12,587 --> 00:38:14,837
(laughing)
727
00:38:16,379 --> 00:38:19,129
(dramatic music)
728
00:38:22,337 --> 00:38:25,254
(crowd chattering)
729
00:38:27,754 --> 00:38:30,504
(group shouting)
730
00:38:34,796 --> 00:38:37,212
- 80 pound to go on Hercules.
731
00:38:39,587 --> 00:38:40,754
- Was that on Hercules?
732
00:38:40,837 --> 00:38:41,587
- Yeah.
733
00:38:41,671 --> 00:38:42,754
- They're betting on him.
They're betting on him!
734
00:38:42,837 --> 00:38:45,212
- No, don't bet it all.
735
00:38:45,296 --> 00:38:47,421
Pay Frankie Barrow his hundred and 60.
736
00:38:47,504 --> 00:38:49,254
- No, let's do the lot, sick old bastard.
737
00:38:49,337 --> 00:38:50,546
2,400 pound.
738
00:38:50,629 --> 00:38:53,046
Pay back with our winnings. 2,400 quid.
739
00:38:53,129 --> 00:38:54,629
- What if we lose it?
740
00:38:54,712 --> 00:38:57,337
- 2,000 pound to win, number one.
741
00:38:57,421 --> 00:39:00,171
(crowd chattering)
742
00:39:00,254 --> 00:39:02,379
23, two and five, my lucky number.
743
00:39:03,796 --> 00:39:07,796
(crowd chattering and shouting)
744
00:39:16,004 --> 00:39:18,087
Excuse me, mate, make way for an owner.
745
00:39:18,171 --> 00:39:20,171
Excuse me, I'm an owner.
746
00:39:21,837 --> 00:39:24,421
This is it, Dad. This is it.
747
00:39:24,504 --> 00:39:26,546
- [Barker] I'll take six to five.
748
00:39:26,629 --> 00:39:27,629
Six to five.
749
00:39:29,587 --> 00:39:30,879
- You're like a baby with that.
750
00:39:30,962 --> 00:39:33,296
You don't need it. Just pull it out.
751
00:39:33,379 --> 00:39:35,546
- But I'm nervous, Harold.
752
00:39:36,421 --> 00:39:39,004
(dogs barking)
753
00:39:46,879 --> 00:39:49,462
(bell ringing)
754
00:39:52,212 --> 00:39:54,962
(crowd cheering)
755
00:40:24,087 --> 00:40:26,587
(dog whining)
756
00:40:36,129 --> 00:40:38,254
- I think he wanted a cigarette.
757
00:40:43,962 --> 00:40:46,462
(light music)
758
00:40:48,671 --> 00:40:49,629
- Bad luck, Harold.
759
00:40:50,712 --> 00:40:53,796
My friends and I'll be
coming round in three days.
760
00:40:55,712 --> 00:40:57,671
(tyres squealing)
761
00:40:57,754 --> 00:41:00,254
(engine racing)
762
00:41:00,254 --> 00:41:01,879
- And when they come round,
763
00:41:02,296 --> 00:41:05,004
we won't be coming round for three weeks.
764
00:41:06,587 --> 00:41:09,087
(light music)
765
00:41:16,962 --> 00:41:19,337
- I knew no good'd come of it.
766
00:41:19,421 --> 00:41:22,421
You and your get rich quick schemes.
767
00:41:22,504 --> 00:41:24,504
They never work, and they never will.
768
00:41:24,587 --> 00:41:25,421
And do you know why?
769
00:41:25,504 --> 00:41:26,754
- No, why?
770
00:41:26,837 --> 00:41:28,379
- Because the only way
to get on in this world
771
00:41:28,462 --> 00:41:30,254
is by hard work, and that's something
772
00:41:30,337 --> 00:41:31,629
you're not prepared to do.
773
00:41:31,712 --> 00:41:32,754
- Not prepared to do?
774
00:41:32,837 --> 00:41:35,087
I've worked my knackers off,
775
00:41:35,171 --> 00:41:36,754
ever since the day I left school!
776
00:41:36,837 --> 00:41:41,587
14 hours a day, seven days a
year, 52 weeks of the year.
777
00:41:41,629 --> 00:41:42,712
And for what?
778
00:41:43,837 --> 00:41:46,337
243 quid I'm minus.
779
00:41:49,587 --> 00:41:52,129
And 36 stitches to come.
780
00:41:52,212 --> 00:41:53,337
- We would have been
all right if you hadn't
781
00:41:53,421 --> 00:41:55,504
put it all on that daft dog.
782
00:41:55,587 --> 00:41:57,879
He's as useless are you are.
783
00:41:57,962 --> 00:42:00,587
Hard work, that's the
only way to make money.
784
00:42:00,671 --> 00:42:01,587
- Cobblers.
785
00:42:02,462 --> 00:42:04,837
You don't think all them
rich Herberts up in the city
786
00:42:04,921 --> 00:42:06,921
made all their millions
out of hard work, do you?
787
00:42:07,004 --> 00:42:09,212
No, brains, mate, they use their brains.
788
00:42:09,296 --> 00:42:11,504
- Oh, well that lets you out.
789
00:42:11,587 --> 00:42:12,629
You can't use what you aint got.
790
00:42:12,712 --> 00:42:15,462
- I'll give you something
I've got in a minute.
791
00:42:15,546 --> 00:42:17,296
- You wouldn't dare.
792
00:42:20,837 --> 00:42:22,712
Go on, hit me.
793
00:42:22,754 --> 00:42:24,421
It wouldn't be the first time.
794
00:42:24,504 --> 00:42:26,129
That's what the world's come to,
795
00:42:26,212 --> 00:42:28,587
a son striking his father.
796
00:42:31,004 --> 00:42:32,712
I'm only glad your mother's not here.
797
00:42:32,754 --> 00:42:33,796
- I'll be you are.
798
00:42:33,796 --> 00:42:35,754
You woulda got one from her as well.
799
00:42:35,754 --> 00:42:40,754
Yes, it's all right, I'm
coming (clicks tongue).
800
00:42:41,837 --> 00:42:43,879
- You don't give a goldfish birdseed.
801
00:42:43,962 --> 00:42:47,087
- That's all we got. It's
either that or nothing.
802
00:42:47,254 --> 00:42:50,796
Besides, we might make
a fortune out of him.
803
00:42:50,879 --> 00:42:52,754
Charlie, the musical goldfish.
804
00:42:54,046 --> 00:42:56,587
You've always had money way before.
805
00:42:57,337 --> 00:43:00,087
You sure you haven't forgotten anywhere?
806
00:43:00,087 --> 00:43:02,546
- There isn't any, Harold, I swear.
807
00:43:03,004 --> 00:43:05,337
(screaming)
808
00:43:11,921 --> 00:43:13,712
There's nothing there, Harold.
809
00:43:15,587 --> 00:43:17,421
- You've got such a bloody awful memory.
810
00:43:17,462 --> 00:43:18,921
Three years ago, I found 40 quid
811
00:43:19,004 --> 00:43:21,087
stuffed on the bear's ankle.
812
00:43:21,171 --> 00:43:22,421
You forgot they were there.
813
00:43:22,504 --> 00:43:25,962
- Believe me, Harold, I
don't have a penny left.
814
00:43:25,962 --> 00:43:29,171
You've had it all, every copper coin.
815
00:43:29,254 --> 00:43:30,712
It's all gone.
816
00:43:30,712 --> 00:43:33,254
(groaning)
817
00:43:33,504 --> 00:43:34,337
Harold.
818
00:43:40,171 --> 00:43:43,212
Harold, I tell you, it's hopeless.
819
00:43:43,296 --> 00:43:46,754
I've nothing left in the world,
except me insurance policy.
820
00:43:46,837 --> 00:43:50,212
- Oh, God, what have I put my hand in.
821
00:43:54,504 --> 00:43:55,754
What policy?
822
00:43:55,837 --> 00:43:57,754
- Oh, didn't I tell you?
823
00:43:57,754 --> 00:44:00,962
It was one your mother made me
take out when we got married.
824
00:44:01,046 --> 00:44:04,212
1,000 quid, in case I snuffed
it and left her with nothing.
825
00:44:04,296 --> 00:44:07,712
She was always like that, greedy.
826
00:44:07,796 --> 00:44:09,046
God rest her soul.
827
00:44:10,546 --> 00:44:11,671
Funny, isn't it?
828
00:44:11,712 --> 00:44:14,337
After all these years of
working, scrimping and scraping,
829
00:44:14,337 --> 00:44:17,462
here I am, worth more dead than alive.
830
00:44:19,629 --> 00:44:22,129
(light music)
831
00:44:25,421 --> 00:44:27,587
What are you looking at me like that for?
832
00:44:27,587 --> 00:44:29,129
- Yes, you are, aren't you?
833
00:44:29,171 --> 00:44:29,962
- What?
834
00:44:30,046 --> 00:44:31,754
- Worth more dead than alive.
835
00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:33,921
- Harold.
836
00:44:35,421 --> 00:44:36,504
Harold.
837
00:44:36,587 --> 00:44:37,337
- I never realised.
838
00:44:37,421 --> 00:44:40,254
(screaming)
839
00:44:40,337 --> 00:44:43,754
(light mysterious music)
840
00:44:47,837 --> 00:44:49,504
- Keep away from me.
841
00:44:50,754 --> 00:44:51,587
Harold.
842
00:44:52,337 --> 00:44:53,171
Harold.
843
00:44:53,921 --> 00:44:55,546
Don't be silly, Harold.
844
00:44:55,587 --> 00:44:58,462
- Of course, that's the answer.
845
00:44:58,587 --> 00:45:01,046
- I'll get a job. We'll do all right.
846
00:45:01,296 --> 00:45:03,629
I'll give up smoking. I won't cost much.
847
00:45:03,712 --> 00:45:06,921
I don't mind birdseed.
I'll get used to it.
848
00:45:07,046 --> 00:45:08,629
- You've got to die, Dad.
849
00:45:08,712 --> 00:45:09,962
- You'll never get away it. You're mad.
850
00:45:10,046 --> 00:45:12,171
You can't do it. I'm your father!
851
00:45:12,379 --> 00:45:14,629
- 1,000 quid, plus profits.
852
00:45:15,921 --> 00:45:18,379
Got to be with profits. It
is with profits, isn't it?
853
00:45:24,171 --> 00:45:25,087
Are you all right?
854
00:45:25,129 --> 00:45:27,129
Here, come and sit down.
855
00:45:32,087 --> 00:45:34,796
- Don't kill me, Harold,
Please, don't kill me.
856
00:45:34,879 --> 00:45:37,337
Put me in a home, do what
you like, but don't kill me.
857
00:45:37,379 --> 00:45:39,671
- What are you talking about?
I'm not going to kill you.
858
00:45:40,046 --> 00:45:41,754
- You said, you said--
859
00:45:41,837 --> 00:45:45,129
- Come on, Dad, what sort
of bloke do you think I am?
860
00:45:45,129 --> 00:45:47,421
I just said you've got to die.
861
00:45:47,587 --> 00:45:50,546
I don't mean really die.
862
00:45:50,546 --> 00:45:52,587
We gotta pretend you're dead.
863
00:45:52,629 --> 00:45:54,421
- You can't do that, Harold.
864
00:45:54,462 --> 00:45:57,421
You can't pretend you're
dead. It's against the law.
865
00:45:57,421 --> 00:46:00,087
And cheating the insurance
company, that's even worse.
866
00:46:00,129 --> 00:46:03,254
- You're not cheating them.
You're entitled to it.
867
00:46:03,254 --> 00:46:07,337
You'll just be getting it a
little bit earlier, that's all.
868
00:46:07,462 --> 00:46:10,671
That's basic. You aint
got long to go, have you?
869
00:46:10,796 --> 00:46:12,254
It's no good to you when you're dead.
870
00:46:12,379 --> 00:46:13,962
- It'll go to you, Harold.
871
00:46:13,962 --> 00:46:16,796
- Well there you are then.
It's mine, and I want it now.
872
00:46:16,837 --> 00:46:18,671
We're in debt up to our ear holes,
873
00:46:18,671 --> 00:46:20,754
and we won't have any ear
holes left after Saturday.
874
00:46:20,921 --> 00:46:24,421
We need money, lots of
it, so you've got to die.
875
00:46:25,546 --> 00:46:26,796
- It'd never work.
876
00:46:28,379 --> 00:46:29,879
- Give me one good reason why not.
877
00:46:29,962 --> 00:46:33,087
- I can't just disappear
and you say I'm dead.
878
00:46:33,171 --> 00:46:35,004
They wouldn't stand for that.
879
00:46:35,087 --> 00:46:36,712
You've got to have a death certificate.
880
00:46:36,796 --> 00:46:38,129
- Yeah, I know, I know.
881
00:46:39,004 --> 00:46:40,087
- And to have a death certificate,
882
00:46:40,129 --> 00:46:41,879
you've got to have a body.
883
00:46:42,462 --> 00:46:45,171
That's the law. Habeas corpus.
884
00:46:45,254 --> 00:46:48,171
(mysterious music)
885
00:46:53,421 --> 00:46:55,129
- Come here.
886
00:46:55,212 --> 00:46:56,046
Come here.
887
00:46:58,212 --> 00:47:01,337
- Get out of it. It's not even like me.
888
00:47:01,587 --> 00:47:02,921
- It will be.
889
00:47:02,921 --> 00:47:04,171
It will be.
890
00:47:04,504 --> 00:47:07,171
(phone ringing)
891
00:47:09,212 --> 00:47:11,879
(phone beeping)
892
00:47:12,712 --> 00:47:14,671
- Hello, Fred. It's Harold.
893
00:47:14,837 --> 00:47:15,754
- [Fred] Who?
894
00:47:15,837 --> 00:47:17,087
- Harold Steptoe.
895
00:47:17,129 --> 00:47:19,754
Listen, Fred, does old Dr.
Popplewell still drink with you?
896
00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:22,046
- I'd close if he didn't.
897
00:47:22,087 --> 00:47:23,296
- Is he there now?
898
00:47:23,379 --> 00:47:24,587
- Yeah, he's here now.
899
00:47:26,379 --> 00:47:28,504
- Could you ask him to come to the phone?
900
00:47:28,546 --> 00:47:30,587
- [Fred] I could ask him,
but he'd never make it.
901
00:47:30,629 --> 00:47:31,962
- Can't you carry him over?
902
00:47:31,962 --> 00:47:32,879
- [Fred] Hang on.
903
00:47:32,962 --> 00:47:33,712
- Thanks.
904
00:47:33,796 --> 00:47:37,462
- Dr. Popplewell, the drunk?
The one that delivered you?
905
00:47:37,462 --> 00:47:39,046
He's not still doctoring, is he?
906
00:47:39,046 --> 00:47:41,004
- Yeah, he always said he'd
work till he fell done.
907
00:47:41,212 --> 00:47:43,254
- He's always falling down, isn't he?
908
00:47:43,337 --> 00:47:44,796
- Exactly.
909
00:47:44,962 --> 00:47:47,296
And he's got the worst
eyesight I've ever seen.
910
00:47:47,921 --> 00:47:50,421
- Yeah, that's right.
911
00:47:50,754 --> 00:47:53,629
He wears them great, big,
thick pebble glasses.
912
00:47:53,671 --> 00:47:57,296
- Ah, I don't think he can
see as far as the lens.
913
00:47:57,379 --> 00:47:59,379
- [Doctor] You wanted the
services of a physician?
914
00:47:59,462 --> 00:48:01,379
- Hello, Dr. Popplewell?
915
00:48:01,462 --> 00:48:02,546
- [Doctor] This is he.
916
00:48:02,629 --> 00:48:03,421
- You're pissed as a fart.
917
00:48:03,504 --> 00:48:07,004
- Oh, that's most kind,
a large gin and tonic.
918
00:48:07,087 --> 00:48:08,962
- Doctor, could you call round?
919
00:48:09,046 --> 00:48:10,754
It's my father. He's collapsed.
920
00:48:10,879 --> 00:48:12,296
I think it's his heart.
921
00:48:12,379 --> 00:48:13,296
- [Doctor] His cart?
922
00:48:13,379 --> 00:48:14,587
- No no, his heart.
923
00:48:14,671 --> 00:48:15,462
- [Doctor] What's the address?
924
00:48:15,546 --> 00:48:18,837
- 26A Oil Drum Lane.
925
00:48:19,129 --> 00:48:22,212
- [Doctor] 26 Oil Drum Lane.
926
00:48:22,212 --> 00:48:23,421
- When can you come round?
927
00:48:23,546 --> 00:48:24,379
- [Doctor] Sometime tonight.
928
00:48:24,462 --> 00:48:25,546
- I see.
929
00:48:26,462 --> 00:48:28,587
- [Doctor] Do you think
he'll last till closing time?
930
00:48:28,671 --> 00:48:30,379
- What time do they close then?
931
00:48:30,462 --> 00:48:33,504
- [Doctor] Same time they've
always bloody well closed.
932
00:48:33,587 --> 00:48:35,379
I'll be round as soon as I can.
933
00:48:35,462 --> 00:48:36,671
- Thank you, Doctor.
934
00:48:38,421 --> 00:48:41,712
Dad, I think your habeas is just about
935
00:48:41,796 --> 00:48:44,671
to become very corpeus.
936
00:48:44,837 --> 00:48:47,921
(upbeat light music)
937
00:48:53,212 --> 00:48:54,129
- On your back!
938
00:48:57,171 --> 00:48:58,546
- Mind it for a minute there.
939
00:48:58,629 --> 00:49:00,046
- It'll come off.
940
00:49:02,004 --> 00:49:04,046
Ah yes, very death-like.
941
00:49:04,129 --> 00:49:06,587
- No joints in it. I can't bend me legs.
942
00:49:06,671 --> 00:49:08,587
- I don't want you to bend your legs.
943
00:49:08,671 --> 00:49:10,921
You're not supposed to
be moving. You're dead.
944
00:49:12,296 --> 00:49:14,171
- Here!
- What?
945
00:49:14,254 --> 00:49:17,462
- It hasn't got any what's-its.
946
00:49:17,879 --> 00:49:18,754
- Well you've had a heart attack.
947
00:49:18,796 --> 00:49:20,546
He won't be looking at your what's-its.
948
00:49:20,546 --> 00:49:22,921
He won't notice when
we get your clothes on.
949
00:49:22,962 --> 00:49:24,337
It will have your covers on it.
950
00:49:24,587 --> 00:49:26,171
Shut your eyes, hold your breath.
951
00:49:27,671 --> 00:49:30,337
Perfect, not a movement.
952
00:49:30,504 --> 00:49:32,837
That'd fool Dr. Barnard, that would.
953
00:49:32,921 --> 00:49:34,087
I think it's going to work.
954
00:49:34,171 --> 00:49:36,046
(sneezing)
955
00:49:36,129 --> 00:49:37,837
If you do that when the doctor's here,
956
00:49:37,921 --> 00:49:39,837
you won't be pretending you're dead.
957
00:49:42,504 --> 00:49:44,837
(shrieking)
958
00:49:48,421 --> 00:49:51,004
(car crashing)
959
00:49:52,712 --> 00:49:53,504
He's here.
960
00:49:53,587 --> 00:49:56,337
(engine revving)
961
00:49:59,837 --> 00:50:02,504
(car crashing)
962
00:50:02,587 --> 00:50:05,087
(light music)
963
00:50:24,212 --> 00:50:26,337
Oh, doctor, you arrived.
964
00:50:26,421 --> 00:50:27,379
- Hello.
965
00:50:27,462 --> 00:50:29,629
It's a long time since
I've been to this house.
966
00:50:29,712 --> 00:50:31,921
I had a spot of bother parking the car.
967
00:50:32,004 --> 00:50:34,587
- Yes, I heard. But don't worry.
968
00:50:34,671 --> 00:50:35,921
It's all right.
969
00:50:37,712 --> 00:50:39,421
- What's wrong with you?
970
00:50:39,504 --> 00:50:41,754
- It's not me. It's my father.
971
00:50:41,837 --> 00:50:42,962
- Your father?
972
00:50:43,046 --> 00:50:44,754
Is he still alive?
973
00:50:44,837 --> 00:50:46,046
- I'm not sure.
974
00:50:46,921 --> 00:50:48,796
- Well, we shall see. Where is he?
975
00:50:48,879 --> 00:50:49,796
- Upstairs.
976
00:50:51,296 --> 00:50:52,962
- Upstairs. Oh dear.
977
00:50:55,087 --> 00:50:55,921
Well.
978
00:51:00,171 --> 00:51:01,421
- Ah ah ah. No.
979
00:51:03,546 --> 00:51:06,546
- Oh, there it is, there it is.
980
00:51:06,629 --> 00:51:08,962
(muttering)
981
00:51:09,962 --> 00:51:11,129
- There we go.
982
00:51:23,712 --> 00:51:24,796
(gasping)
983
00:51:24,879 --> 00:51:25,921
You all right?
984
00:51:27,212 --> 00:51:28,837
- Can you see an animal in here?
985
00:51:29,921 --> 00:51:32,129
A large rat with a number on its back.
986
00:51:33,462 --> 00:51:35,796
- Oh, that's our greyhound.
987
00:51:35,879 --> 00:51:39,212
- Oh, thanks be to God for that.
988
00:51:39,296 --> 00:51:40,087
- No.
989
00:51:40,171 --> 00:51:41,004
- What?
990
00:51:43,379 --> 00:51:44,212
Oh.
991
00:51:46,254 --> 00:51:47,712
Oh, it's him.
992
00:51:49,254 --> 00:51:50,254
What's his name?
993
00:51:50,337 --> 00:51:51,087
- Steptoe.
994
00:51:51,171 --> 00:51:52,296
- Yeah, that's the one.
995
00:51:53,337 --> 00:51:54,212
The heart, you said.
996
00:51:54,296 --> 00:51:56,796
- Yes, he always had a weak heart.
997
00:51:56,879 --> 00:51:58,796
- You better get the
brandy up here right away.
998
00:51:58,879 --> 00:51:59,712
- Right.
999
00:52:01,921 --> 00:52:03,462
- Oh, there we go.
1000
00:52:12,712 --> 00:52:13,546
Thank you.
1001
00:52:18,379 --> 00:52:19,212
Cheers.
1002
00:52:21,671 --> 00:52:23,046
Now, when did this happen?
1003
00:52:23,129 --> 00:52:25,004
- About two hours ago.
1004
00:52:25,087 --> 00:52:26,046
- Pardon.
1005
00:52:26,129 --> 00:52:29,462
- About, about two hours ago.
1006
00:52:29,546 --> 00:52:31,254
He was saying he wasn't feeling very well.
1007
00:52:31,337 --> 00:52:33,671
Then, suddenly, he collapsed,
clutching his heart.
1008
00:52:33,754 --> 00:52:35,296
And he said, oh my heart.
1009
00:52:36,171 --> 00:52:37,796
- It sounds like his heart to me.
1010
00:52:41,962 --> 00:52:44,212
- Would you like to have a drink?
1011
00:52:44,296 --> 00:52:45,129
- Pardon.
1012
00:52:46,379 --> 00:52:47,921
- Have a drink?
1013
00:52:48,004 --> 00:52:49,337
- Oh, thank you.
1014
00:52:58,337 --> 00:53:00,296
There's no pulse.
1015
00:53:00,379 --> 00:53:02,546
- Oh my God, he's gone. He's dead!
1016
00:53:02,629 --> 00:53:04,046
Oh no, what happened?
1017
00:53:04,129 --> 00:53:06,546
- Quick, open his coat and shirt.
1018
00:53:07,587 --> 00:53:08,421
Quick!
1019
00:53:09,837 --> 00:53:10,796
Coat and shirt.
1020
00:53:19,254 --> 00:53:20,462
Did he move that time?
1021
00:53:21,296 --> 00:53:22,754
- I don't think so.
1022
00:53:22,837 --> 00:53:24,254
- I could've sworn he moved.
1023
00:53:25,254 --> 00:53:26,504
- He can't moved.
1024
00:53:26,587 --> 00:53:27,587
He's dead.
1025
00:53:27,671 --> 00:53:29,462
- Well, not necessarily.
1026
00:53:29,546 --> 00:53:31,796
- Perhaps the bed, not very steady.
1027
00:53:31,879 --> 00:53:33,712
- We may still be in time.
1028
00:53:36,712 --> 00:53:38,462
He's as stiff as a board.
1029
00:53:38,546 --> 00:53:41,754
I've never known rigour
mortis to set in so quickly.
1030
00:53:41,837 --> 00:53:44,421
(button popping)
1031
00:53:44,504 --> 00:53:47,879
I don't think his ribs'll
stand up to much more of that.
1032
00:53:48,921 --> 00:53:50,296
This is a hopeless case.
1033
00:53:51,212 --> 00:53:53,879
I'm afraid you better prepare
yourself for a nasty shock.
1034
00:53:53,962 --> 00:53:54,712
- You don't mean?
1035
00:53:54,796 --> 00:53:57,546
- Yes, I'm afraid he's dead.
1036
00:53:57,629 --> 00:53:59,546
- No no no, he mustn't.
1037
00:53:59,629 --> 00:54:01,379
- Be a brave lad. It comes to us all.
1038
00:54:01,462 --> 00:54:04,837
- But, Daddy, Daddy, please.
Don't leave me, Daddy.
1039
00:54:04,921 --> 00:54:07,004
(crying)
1040
00:54:09,712 --> 00:54:12,796
Surely there must be something you can do.
1041
00:54:12,879 --> 00:54:14,921
- Well I can't think of anything offhand.
1042
00:54:16,129 --> 00:54:18,087
You know sometimes, they cut them open
1043
00:54:18,171 --> 00:54:20,921
and they try a little
massage with the heart.
1044
00:54:21,004 --> 00:54:22,546
But that wouldn't help here.
1045
00:54:22,629 --> 00:54:24,921
It's too late. You see, he's solid.
1046
00:54:25,004 --> 00:54:26,587
(knocking on wood)
1047
00:54:26,671 --> 00:54:28,504
Stone dead.
1048
00:54:28,587 --> 00:54:31,212
But, it's strange.
1049
00:54:31,296 --> 00:54:32,212
Most odd.
1050
00:54:36,337 --> 00:54:37,296
- What?
1051
00:54:37,379 --> 00:54:39,254
He was an old man. He had a weak heart.
1052
00:54:39,337 --> 00:54:40,879
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
1053
00:54:40,962 --> 00:54:43,004
There's nothing odd about it.
1054
00:54:43,087 --> 00:54:44,087
- I suppose so.
1055
00:54:45,004 --> 00:54:47,421
- I'm surprised he's lasted
as long as he has (cries).
1056
00:54:48,421 --> 00:54:51,754
- Oh, now, I suppose I better write out
1057
00:54:51,837 --> 00:54:54,962
the birth certificate,
the death certificate.
1058
00:54:55,046 --> 00:54:55,879
- Yes please.
1059
00:54:56,754 --> 00:54:58,004
If you wouldn't mind.
1060
00:55:00,546 --> 00:55:01,962
- Why, thank you.
1061
00:55:02,796 --> 00:55:06,296
- Albert Ladysmith Steptoe.
1062
00:55:07,254 --> 00:55:08,379
Heart failure.
1063
00:55:11,254 --> 00:55:13,879
- There's something odd,
you know. I mean, that body.
1064
00:55:16,296 --> 00:55:17,837
Did you notice something?
1065
00:55:17,921 --> 00:55:20,796
- No, I didn't. Someone
was wrong with his head.
1066
00:55:20,879 --> 00:55:23,171
- No, the chest, the wrists, the hands.
1067
00:55:24,546 --> 00:55:25,962
Hairless.
1068
00:55:26,046 --> 00:55:29,587
There's not a single hair on
that body. Now that's very odd.
1069
00:55:29,671 --> 00:55:31,671
- Well you see, that was the war.
1070
00:55:31,754 --> 00:55:35,087
Fright. It all dropped out
when the sirens started.
1071
00:55:35,171 --> 00:55:36,504
Never grew again.
1072
00:55:36,587 --> 00:55:38,296
- Except on his head.
1073
00:55:38,379 --> 00:55:40,421
- Exactly. Most odd.
1074
00:55:41,796 --> 00:55:42,796
- Very strange.
1075
00:55:44,587 --> 00:55:47,504
I wonder if you'd give
permission for a postmortem.
1076
00:55:47,587 --> 00:55:49,004
- No, no no no, no.
1077
00:55:49,087 --> 00:55:51,212
- That would assist medical science.
1078
00:55:51,296 --> 00:55:54,421
It would help people suffering
from the same complaint.
1079
00:55:54,504 --> 00:55:56,129
- I couldn't.
1080
00:55:56,212 --> 00:55:58,337
It's against his religion.
1081
00:55:58,421 --> 00:55:59,837
He was a Seven Days' Wonder.
1082
00:56:01,046 --> 00:56:01,796
Anything that they don't allow,
1083
00:56:01,879 --> 00:56:05,129
blood transfusions, cutting
up, anything like that.
1084
00:56:05,212 --> 00:56:07,546
You see, you has to come up in exactly
1085
00:56:07,629 --> 00:56:10,087
the same condition as what you snuffed in.
1086
00:56:11,254 --> 00:56:13,546
They don't like to be tampered with.
1087
00:56:13,629 --> 00:56:17,587
- We put back everything
exactly as we found it.
1088
00:56:17,671 --> 00:56:20,212
- No, no, I couldn't.
1089
00:56:20,296 --> 00:56:22,962
Much as I would like to help
you, he'd never forgive me
1090
00:56:23,046 --> 00:56:24,546
if I let you chop him up.
1091
00:56:24,629 --> 00:56:26,504
- Well, never mind.
1092
00:56:27,504 --> 00:56:30,962
(dog whimpering)
1093
00:56:31,046 --> 00:56:32,254
Do you know, I'm overlooking something.
1094
00:56:32,337 --> 00:56:35,296
I can't think what it,
ooh, here here here.
1095
00:56:42,629 --> 00:56:46,046
Ah, look, I'm always leaving this behind.
1096
00:56:47,379 --> 00:56:49,296
My condolences.
1097
00:56:49,379 --> 00:56:51,504
And I'll see you in the pub.
1098
00:56:51,587 --> 00:56:55,129
- Thank you, Doctor.
1099
00:56:58,754 --> 00:57:00,962
(doctor crashing)
1100
00:57:01,046 --> 00:57:03,254
I'll see you out, Doctor.
1101
00:57:03,337 --> 00:57:06,087
(items crashing)
1102
00:57:12,212 --> 00:57:14,754
- I think I've done it before.
1103
00:57:14,837 --> 00:57:17,671
(chattering)
1104
00:57:17,754 --> 00:57:20,504
(glass breaking)
1105
00:57:26,462 --> 00:57:28,296
There you are, you naughty car.
1106
00:57:28,379 --> 00:57:29,296
Here we go.
1107
00:57:30,462 --> 00:57:33,254
(horn honking)
1108
00:57:33,337 --> 00:57:36,004
(engine starting and sputtering)
1109
00:57:36,087 --> 00:57:39,337
(sputtering continues)
1110
00:57:43,837 --> 00:57:45,004
- Chucks away!
1111
00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:46,962
No!
1112
00:57:47,046 --> 00:57:49,796
(engine revving)
1113
00:58:00,712 --> 00:58:01,546
- Harold?
1114
00:58:04,671 --> 00:58:06,962
(dog whimpering)
1115
00:58:07,046 --> 00:58:08,462
Come and undo me.
1116
00:58:12,296 --> 00:58:14,921
Harold! Where are you?
1117
00:58:15,004 --> 00:58:16,421
Come and undo me.
1118
00:58:17,629 --> 00:58:21,921
- [Harold] You stole my
body. I want my body.
1119
00:58:22,004 --> 00:58:24,921
Give me my body back. I want my body.
1120
00:58:25,962 --> 00:58:27,379
- Harold! Harold!
1121
00:58:28,504 --> 00:58:30,421
- It's my body.
1122
00:58:30,504 --> 00:58:32,254
I'm coming in to get it.
1123
00:58:32,337 --> 00:58:34,754
(whimpering)
1124
00:58:39,796 --> 00:58:42,129
(shrieking)
1125
00:58:43,004 --> 00:58:45,004
Dad? Dad?
1126
00:58:47,337 --> 00:58:48,421
You all right?
1127
00:58:51,337 --> 00:58:52,879
Dad!
1128
00:58:52,962 --> 00:58:55,629
(funeral music)
1129
00:58:59,046 --> 00:59:01,546
(dog howling)
1130
00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:09,879
(whistling)
1131
00:59:09,962 --> 00:59:11,296
- Oi. All right?
1132
00:59:12,337 --> 00:59:16,712
- Yeah, not bad. Nice and
roomy, very comfortable.
1133
00:59:16,796 --> 00:59:18,379
- You can stay there if
you like. I don't mind.
1134
00:59:18,462 --> 00:59:20,462
- Yeah, it's very nice.
1135
00:59:20,546 --> 00:59:21,587
Coulda been made for me.
1136
00:59:21,671 --> 00:59:23,462
- It is for you. It was.
1137
00:59:24,296 --> 00:59:25,837
I had it out in the yard
for a couple of years,
1138
00:59:25,921 --> 00:59:27,421
waiting for you to shoot off.
1139
00:59:28,254 --> 00:59:29,879
I had a bit of spare cash on me
1140
00:59:29,962 --> 00:59:32,087
so I thought I'd get it
before the prices went up.
1141
00:59:32,171 --> 00:59:33,046
- You had a bit of spare cash on you,
1142
00:59:33,129 --> 00:59:35,171
so you bought me a coffin.
1143
00:59:35,254 --> 00:59:36,462
- Yep.
1144
00:59:36,546 --> 00:59:38,296
- Now that's nice. That's very nice.
1145
00:59:38,379 --> 00:59:41,171
What was it for, me birthday or Christmas?
1146
00:59:41,254 --> 00:59:43,337
- If you don't like it, man said I could
1147
00:59:43,421 --> 00:59:44,421
always change it when the time comes.
1148
00:59:44,504 --> 00:59:47,296
- Right morbid, aren't you?
1149
00:59:47,379 --> 00:59:49,671
Other sons buy their fathers gold watches,
1150
00:59:49,754 --> 00:59:52,337
cigarette cases, you give me a coffin.
1151
00:59:52,421 --> 00:59:54,212
- At least I got you a good one.
1152
00:59:55,671 --> 00:59:57,337
Look at that, beautiful.
1153
00:59:58,546 --> 00:59:59,879
Solid teak, that is.
1154
00:59:59,962 --> 01:00:01,129
It's silk lined.
1155
01:00:01,212 --> 01:00:03,379
- That's not teak, it's oak.
1156
01:00:03,462 --> 01:00:05,004
- At least it's not plastic.
1157
01:00:06,004 --> 01:00:08,171
Had your name put on
the coffin lid as well.
1158
01:00:13,171 --> 01:00:18,171
Albert L. Steptoe, February
the 10th, 1901, dash,
1159
01:00:18,796 --> 01:00:20,962
I'll get the other date put in now.
1160
01:00:21,046 --> 01:00:23,629
Deeply mourned by his loving son, Harold.
1161
01:00:24,921 --> 01:00:28,837
- Deeply mourned. Loving son, Harold.
1162
01:00:29,712 --> 01:00:33,254
- Yeah, I had that put
on the tombstone as well.
1163
01:00:33,337 --> 01:00:34,671
- What tombstone?
1164
01:00:34,754 --> 01:00:35,504
- Well, I thought I'd get the tombstone
1165
01:00:35,587 --> 01:00:37,504
done at the same time.
1166
01:00:37,587 --> 01:00:39,546
He was having a sale.
1167
01:00:39,629 --> 01:00:44,212
So, I thought I'd get the
lot and then be done with it.
1168
01:00:45,712 --> 01:00:46,462
You didn't think I'd turn
1169
01:00:46,546 --> 01:00:47,712
in the green shield stamps, did you?
1170
01:00:47,796 --> 01:00:50,754
- I didn't know it was
for me own funeral, did I?
1171
01:00:50,837 --> 01:00:54,004
(knocking on door)
1172
01:00:54,087 --> 01:00:54,921
- Get down.
1173
01:00:59,254 --> 01:01:00,379
(dog growling)
1174
01:01:00,462 --> 01:01:02,171
- Shut up, Hercules, you know what.
1175
01:01:02,254 --> 01:01:03,171
Shut up.
1176
01:01:03,254 --> 01:01:05,837
(dog growling)
1177
01:01:16,212 --> 01:01:18,671
- Good morning, Harold. Nice morning?
1178
01:01:18,754 --> 01:01:21,212
- Yes, it is most clement.
1179
01:01:21,296 --> 01:01:24,004
- It's Saturday, Harold, payday.
1180
01:01:24,087 --> 01:01:26,754
We just happened to be in
the area debt collecting.
1181
01:01:26,837 --> 01:01:28,129
You know the boys, don't you?
1182
01:01:29,129 --> 01:01:30,296
Let's see now.
1183
01:01:30,379 --> 01:01:32,004
Harold Steptoe.
1184
01:01:33,671 --> 01:01:34,921
160 pounds.
1185
01:01:36,296 --> 01:01:38,046
- Yes, but I'm afraid you have called
1186
01:01:38,129 --> 01:01:39,796
at rather an inopportune time.
1187
01:01:39,879 --> 01:01:42,837
- Oh dear. Don't tell
me you haven't got it.
1188
01:01:44,171 --> 01:01:47,087
You're the second one this morning.
1189
01:01:49,546 --> 01:01:50,837
- Don't lean on me, Frankie.
1190
01:01:50,921 --> 01:01:53,546
I mean, I don't scare easy.
1191
01:01:53,629 --> 01:01:56,171
Help, stop it, stop it, stop it!
1192
01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:58,921
Stop it, stop it! You can
have it, you can have it.
1193
01:01:59,004 --> 01:02:00,212
But not today.
1194
01:02:00,296 --> 01:02:03,712
Ow, no, my dad's dead! My dad's dead!
1195
01:02:03,796 --> 01:02:06,087
(crying)
1196
01:02:06,171 --> 01:02:07,504
- I beg your pardon.
1197
01:02:07,587 --> 01:02:10,254
- My dad is dead. He's in there.
1198
01:02:14,462 --> 01:02:16,296
- Oh dear. I am sorry.
1199
01:02:17,254 --> 01:02:19,879
Most distressing. My condolences.
1200
01:02:21,754 --> 01:02:23,504
My heart goes out to you, Harold.
1201
01:02:23,587 --> 01:02:24,337
- Thank you.
1202
01:02:24,421 --> 01:02:26,171
- Poor Mr. Steptoe.
1203
01:02:26,254 --> 01:02:28,462
Still, at least his suffering is over.
1204
01:02:28,546 --> 01:02:30,796
He can feel no more pain in this life.
1205
01:02:30,879 --> 01:02:31,796
(groaning)
1206
01:02:31,879 --> 01:02:33,421
Unlike some of us who are left.
1207
01:02:33,504 --> 01:02:35,879
- You'll get paid when
the insurance coughs up.
1208
01:02:36,837 --> 01:02:38,379
- He was insured?
1209
01:02:38,462 --> 01:02:40,087
- Yes.
1210
01:02:40,171 --> 01:02:41,212
- Very wise.
1211
01:02:42,337 --> 01:02:45,337
Under the circumstances, I'm
prepared to wait for the money.
1212
01:02:45,421 --> 01:02:47,421
At 10% interest per day.
1213
01:02:47,504 --> 01:02:49,129
- Agreed, agreed.
1214
01:02:51,171 --> 01:02:52,046
- Courage.
1215
01:02:54,504 --> 01:02:56,754
(groaning)
1216
01:03:06,462 --> 01:03:08,712
(groaning)
1217
01:03:11,462 --> 01:03:13,087
- Right, that's it. You heard them.
1218
01:03:13,171 --> 01:03:13,921
I wanna get this over and done.
1219
01:03:14,004 --> 01:03:15,462
I wanna get you planted
as soon as possible, mate.
1220
01:03:15,546 --> 01:03:17,296
Now come on out, I've gotta nail you up.
1221
01:03:17,379 --> 01:03:19,462
- No, I like it in here.
It's nice and soft.
1222
01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:20,421
- Fine, stay in then.
1223
01:03:20,504 --> 01:03:23,254
- No, I'm coming out.
1224
01:03:23,337 --> 01:03:24,587
Who are you inviting?
1225
01:03:24,671 --> 01:03:25,421
- Nobody.
1226
01:03:25,504 --> 01:03:26,254
- No mourners?
1227
01:03:26,337 --> 01:03:28,504
- Come on, out.
1228
01:03:28,587 --> 01:03:30,296
The fewer people know
about this, the better.
1229
01:03:30,379 --> 01:03:32,837
I'll cop the money and off.
1230
01:03:32,921 --> 01:03:36,337
Oh God, that's disgusting.
1231
01:03:36,421 --> 01:03:38,129
Would you look at the mess?
1232
01:03:38,212 --> 01:03:41,546
You've only had it five
minutes. It's full of mud.
1233
01:03:43,046 --> 01:03:44,921
Fag ash, pff.
1234
01:03:45,004 --> 01:03:46,337
Bull sweet.
1235
01:03:47,754 --> 01:03:51,171
Dirty. I mean Dracula's
coffin's cleaner than this.
1236
01:03:51,254 --> 01:03:53,421
And he's in and out all day long.
1237
01:03:54,837 --> 01:03:56,546
How much do you weigh?
1238
01:03:56,629 --> 01:03:58,712
- Seven and a half stone.
1239
01:04:00,504 --> 01:04:01,712
- There you go.
1240
01:04:01,796 --> 01:04:03,671
That should be just about right.
1241
01:04:03,754 --> 01:04:05,587
God, what a treasure trove.
1242
01:04:05,671 --> 01:04:07,962
Hey, that should bollocks
up some poor archaeologist
1243
01:04:08,046 --> 01:04:09,546
in about 1,000 years time.
1244
01:04:09,629 --> 01:04:11,212
(imitates horn)
1245
01:04:11,296 --> 01:04:13,546
Tootin' Steptoe buried
with all his treasure.
1246
01:04:14,587 --> 01:04:16,254
Just think, one day this could be
1247
01:04:16,337 --> 01:04:19,004
on display at the British Museum.
1248
01:04:19,087 --> 01:04:21,837
You stretching halfway
down Oxford street.
1249
01:04:23,587 --> 01:04:26,087
(dog barking)
1250
01:04:32,212 --> 01:04:34,129
Take him with you.
1251
01:04:34,212 --> 01:04:35,046
- Here.
1252
01:04:41,254 --> 01:04:43,087
- Hello, Harold.
1253
01:04:43,171 --> 01:04:44,421
- Oh, hello.
1254
01:04:44,504 --> 01:04:46,379
- We've heard the bad news.
1255
01:04:47,254 --> 01:04:49,171
We've just come round to pay our respects.
1256
01:04:49,254 --> 01:04:50,629
- How'd you find out?
1257
01:04:50,712 --> 01:04:52,796
- Everybody's talking about it.
1258
01:04:52,879 --> 01:04:53,796
- Are they?
1259
01:04:55,421 --> 01:04:56,212
- Bit sudden, was it?
1260
01:04:56,296 --> 01:04:58,296
- Yes, yes, it was, very sudden.
1261
01:05:00,087 --> 01:05:02,129
- I couldn't believe it when I heard it.
1262
01:05:02,212 --> 01:05:02,962
- Why not?
1263
01:05:03,046 --> 01:05:06,712
- Well, we saw him the other
night down at the dog track.
1264
01:05:06,796 --> 01:05:08,712
Looked all right then, didn't he?
1265
01:05:08,796 --> 01:05:10,296
- It was all too much for him, I suppose.
1266
01:05:10,379 --> 01:05:11,754
- Yeah, maybe too much for him to see
1267
01:05:11,837 --> 01:05:13,337
the dog losing like that.
1268
01:05:13,421 --> 01:05:16,671
- Yes, I expect that's what
it was. All too much for him.
1269
01:05:18,462 --> 01:05:22,296
- Well, uh, we've brought these round.
1270
01:05:22,379 --> 01:05:24,337
- Oh yeah, very kind of you.
1271
01:05:25,379 --> 01:05:26,337
Well, we aint got very much to offer you
1272
01:05:26,421 --> 01:05:27,296
in the way of hospitality.
1273
01:05:27,379 --> 01:05:30,337
- That's all right.
We'll take what you got.
1274
01:05:30,421 --> 01:05:31,462
- We aint got nothing.
1275
01:05:33,962 --> 01:05:35,462
- I've got a bottle of scotch.
1276
01:05:37,796 --> 01:05:39,587
- In that case, you better come in.
1277
01:05:41,421 --> 01:05:42,379
You better come in!
1278
01:05:44,421 --> 01:05:46,879
- Go on, I can't get in with
this bloody great wheel.
1279
01:05:48,504 --> 01:05:49,629
- He's there then, is he, Harold?
1280
01:05:49,712 --> 01:05:50,962
- Yeah, yeah, he is.
1281
01:05:51,046 --> 01:05:53,504
- All crated up and ready for off, eh?
1282
01:05:55,921 --> 01:05:57,337
That's a nice coffin, Harold.
1283
01:05:59,421 --> 01:06:01,129
- Real good wood, that.
1284
01:06:01,212 --> 01:06:01,962
- Yeah.
1285
01:06:02,046 --> 01:06:03,796
- Be a few years before the
old maggots get through that.
1286
01:06:03,879 --> 01:06:06,129
(laughing)
1287
01:06:10,462 --> 01:06:14,712
- If you'll excuse me, I'll
go and get the glasses.
1288
01:06:19,504 --> 01:06:21,421
- You see, I was right.
1289
01:06:22,837 --> 01:06:24,962
Harold is in trouble with the old mob.
1290
01:06:25,046 --> 01:06:26,421
- What do you mean?
1291
01:06:26,504 --> 01:06:29,212
- Well, look at the place.
Bleeding empty, isn't it?
1292
01:06:29,296 --> 01:06:31,379
He's skint, I tell you,
and that is why
1293
01:06:31,462 --> 01:06:33,337
he was embarrassed when we come round.
1294
01:06:33,421 --> 01:06:36,004
- Oh yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.
1295
01:06:36,921 --> 01:06:39,212
- And that is why he's bugging the old man
1296
01:06:39,296 --> 01:06:40,837
away on the quiet.
1297
01:06:40,921 --> 01:06:42,337
He can't afford a big do.
1298
01:06:42,421 --> 01:06:43,921
- It's a good job we can then.
1299
01:06:44,004 --> 01:06:46,629
It's worth a few bob to
give him a good sendoff.
1300
01:06:46,712 --> 01:06:48,004
- Oh hello, Harold.
1301
01:06:48,087 --> 01:06:50,462
- Please excuse the motley
collection of drinking vessels,
1302
01:06:50,546 --> 01:06:52,379
but all the good stuff is packed away.
1303
01:06:52,462 --> 01:06:55,587
- Oh yeah. Yeah well,
we understand, don't we?
1304
01:06:55,671 --> 01:06:57,046
- You do the honours, Harold.
1305
01:07:00,087 --> 01:07:04,462
- Well I expect old Albert
is upstairs now, isn't he?
1306
01:07:04,546 --> 01:07:06,462
- Upstairs? What do you mean upstairs?
1307
01:07:07,421 --> 01:07:12,004
- Well upstairs. You know,
as opposed to down there.
1308
01:07:13,046 --> 01:07:14,671
Where old George is going.
1309
01:07:14,754 --> 01:07:15,671
(laughing)
1310
01:07:15,754 --> 01:07:17,004
- Oh yeah, yeah (laughs).
1311
01:07:21,462 --> 01:07:24,171
- I should like to make
this a toast, Harold.
1312
01:07:24,254 --> 01:07:25,546
- Oh, no no, I don't
think there's a need to.
1313
01:07:25,629 --> 01:07:27,421
- No no, no, I insist.
1314
01:07:27,504 --> 01:07:31,046
On behalf of myself and
my fellow guests here,
1315
01:07:31,129 --> 01:07:33,379
I should like to raise my glass
1316
01:07:34,629 --> 01:07:39,171
and pay a warm tribute to
our dear departed friend.
1317
01:07:39,254 --> 01:07:43,296
- Dear departed.
- Dear departed.
1318
01:07:43,379 --> 01:07:46,087
- Albert Steptoe was not
everybody's cup of tea.
1319
01:07:46,171 --> 01:07:47,004
- Here here.
1320
01:07:48,046 --> 01:07:50,712
- In fact, he could be a
pain in the arse at times.
1321
01:07:50,796 --> 01:07:53,337
But then we all have our faults, don't we?
1322
01:07:53,421 --> 01:07:55,212
But he was a good drinker,
1323
01:07:55,296 --> 01:07:57,046
fair in business,
1324
01:07:57,129 --> 01:07:59,921
and dare I say it, a
very good father to you.
1325
01:08:00,004 --> 01:08:01,254
- Oh, yes, yes.
1326
01:08:02,712 --> 01:08:06,296
- And now he's shuffled
off these mortal coils
1327
01:08:06,379 --> 01:08:10,504
and gone to join the great
rag and bone man in the sky.
1328
01:08:10,587 --> 01:08:12,004
- Get on with it.
1329
01:08:13,671 --> 01:08:16,629
- I should like to drink
a toast to his memory,
1330
01:08:16,712 --> 01:08:18,629
coupled with our very best wishes to you
1331
01:08:18,712 --> 01:08:21,962
in this time of your grief,
and the hope that you will find
1332
01:08:22,046 --> 01:08:24,712
comfort in knowing he will greatly missed
1333
01:08:24,796 --> 01:08:27,004
by all them who knew him.
1334
01:08:27,087 --> 01:08:29,879
Gentlemen, I give you Albert Steptoe.
1335
01:08:29,962 --> 01:08:30,712
- Albert Steptoe.
- Albert.
1336
01:08:30,796 --> 01:08:32,046
- Good luck, Albert, sir.
1337
01:08:34,629 --> 01:08:35,921
- Work them round again, Perce.
1338
01:08:36,004 --> 01:08:37,837
- Yeah, come on, Perce.
1339
01:08:39,879 --> 01:08:43,712
- That was a very nice speech, Lennie.
1340
01:08:44,879 --> 01:08:46,337
I would like to thank you on behalf
1341
01:08:46,421 --> 01:08:48,504
of my late father and myself.
1342
01:08:50,712 --> 01:08:52,004
I'm deeply touched.
1343
01:08:52,921 --> 01:08:54,712
- Harold, I hope you don't
think we're being morbid,
1344
01:08:54,796 --> 01:08:56,379
but is there any chance of us have
1345
01:08:56,462 --> 01:08:57,796
a look at him before he goes?
1346
01:08:57,879 --> 01:08:59,546
- No, no no, you can't.
1347
01:08:59,629 --> 01:09:00,962
- Why not? After all, we are his Chinas.
1348
01:09:01,046 --> 01:09:02,837
- Yeah, but he's all screwed down.
1349
01:09:02,921 --> 01:09:05,129
- Hey, oh, I've got a screwdriver.
1350
01:09:05,212 --> 01:09:08,046
- No, no no no, I'd rather you didn't.
1351
01:09:08,129 --> 01:09:10,754
You see, he's not a pretty sight.
1352
01:09:11,962 --> 01:09:13,504
- Well he never was (chuckles).
1353
01:09:14,421 --> 01:09:16,712
After all, he's only had an heart attack.
1354
01:09:16,796 --> 01:09:21,546
- Ah yes, but you see, it's
what he was doing at the time.
1355
01:09:21,629 --> 01:09:24,671
Oh his face, it's all contorted in agony.
1356
01:09:25,671 --> 01:09:26,837
It's horrible.
1357
01:09:28,546 --> 01:09:29,546
- What was he doing?
1358
01:09:30,754 --> 01:09:31,837
- It's very delicate.
1359
01:09:34,171 --> 01:09:35,879
I heard the scream from the karzy.
1360
01:09:36,962 --> 01:09:40,296
And by the time I'd broken
the door down, he'd gone.
1361
01:09:40,379 --> 01:09:43,212
He was just sitting there. His poor face.
1362
01:09:45,254 --> 01:09:47,254
I'd like for you to
remember him as he was.
1363
01:09:47,337 --> 01:09:49,129
- Well I tell you, if I go the same way,
1364
01:09:49,212 --> 01:09:52,421
my face will be wreathed in smiles.
1365
01:09:52,504 --> 01:09:54,879
- Oh, leave off. Have
a bit of consideration.
1366
01:09:56,212 --> 01:09:57,379
- Let's have another drink.
1367
01:09:57,462 --> 01:09:58,212
- Yeah.
1368
01:09:58,296 --> 01:09:59,129
Harold.
1369
01:10:00,587 --> 01:10:03,546
Me and the boys, we was
just having a bit of a chat.
1370
01:10:03,629 --> 01:10:06,337
Listen, we would consider it
a great honour if you would
1371
01:10:06,421 --> 01:10:08,921
allow us to give Albert a proper sendoff.
1372
01:10:09,004 --> 01:10:10,296
- Oh no, that's most kind of you, but--
1373
01:10:10,379 --> 01:10:12,879
- Oh no no, don't be embarrassed, Harold.
1374
01:10:12,962 --> 01:10:15,754
I mean, hard times come
to us all sooner or later.
1375
01:10:15,837 --> 01:10:18,004
- Yeah, but you see, we was thinking,
1376
01:10:18,087 --> 01:10:20,504
that is, I was thinking
of a quiet funeral.
1377
01:10:20,587 --> 01:10:21,754
Just immediate family.
1378
01:10:21,837 --> 01:10:26,837
- Now look, Harold, our way
of life is disappearing fast.
1379
01:10:27,712 --> 01:10:28,921
I mean, look all around you.
1380
01:10:29,004 --> 01:10:30,921
They're tearing down all the houses,
1381
01:10:31,004 --> 01:10:32,754
they're putting up them flats.
1382
01:10:32,837 --> 01:10:34,712
They're building on all the yards.
1383
01:10:34,796 --> 01:10:37,879
There won't be none of us left soon, mate.
1384
01:10:37,962 --> 01:10:40,837
Your father, now, he was one of the oldest
1385
01:10:40,921 --> 01:10:42,337
tottlers in the business.
1386
01:10:42,421 --> 01:10:45,046
He would remember the old days.
1387
01:10:45,129 --> 01:10:46,671
- He's right, you know, Harold.
1388
01:10:46,754 --> 01:10:49,129
My father's gone. Percy's dad, he's dead.
1389
01:10:49,212 --> 01:10:52,296
- My old dad's gone to
Welwyn garden city.
1390
01:10:52,379 --> 01:10:54,254
None of the nippers
growing up on the plank.
1391
01:10:54,337 --> 01:10:58,004
- Yeah, he's right. See,
it's practically all over.
1392
01:10:58,087 --> 01:11:01,171
And listen, this might be
the last chance we ever have
1393
01:11:01,254 --> 01:11:04,587
of seeing a real traditional
tottler's funeral.
1394
01:11:05,962 --> 01:11:06,712
So let's do it in style.
1395
01:11:06,796 --> 01:11:08,337
- But the expense, who's
gonna come on with that.
1396
01:11:08,421 --> 01:11:11,462
- Don't even worry about that.
1397
01:11:11,546 --> 01:11:13,504
Never mind the grub and the booze.
1398
01:11:13,587 --> 01:11:15,337
We've taken care of all that.
1399
01:11:15,421 --> 01:11:17,587
Percy's old lady, mine,
they've done all the catering.
1400
01:11:17,671 --> 01:11:19,087
Well, I mean they'll be here in a minute.
1401
01:11:19,171 --> 01:11:20,712
I've had a word with the vicar,
1402
01:11:20,796 --> 01:11:22,504
and I've sorted out the invitations.
1403
01:11:22,587 --> 01:11:23,712
- What's time's the funeral?
1404
01:11:23,796 --> 01:11:24,546
- Half past two.
1405
01:11:24,629 --> 01:11:25,837
- What?
1406
01:11:25,921 --> 01:11:26,796
- Yeah, well, that's right, isn't it?
1407
01:11:26,879 --> 01:11:29,837
I mean, what is it, a half-hour
to the boneyard? Perfect.
1408
01:11:29,921 --> 01:11:32,296
So everybody meets here
an hour before kickoff
1409
01:11:32,379 --> 01:11:34,796
for light refreshments
and then back here again
1410
01:11:34,879 --> 01:11:37,796
after the main event for a cold
collision and a good drink.
1411
01:11:39,921 --> 01:11:41,754
- I'll go and get dressed.
1412
01:11:43,921 --> 01:11:44,754
- Harold?
1413
01:11:45,962 --> 01:11:48,296
Try and stay cheerful, mate.
1414
01:11:49,921 --> 01:11:53,171
Gee, our Harold doesn't look
too good, though, does he?
1415
01:11:53,254 --> 01:11:54,962
- What's the matter with
you? Get in the bedroom.
1416
01:11:55,046 --> 01:11:57,921
- It's the nicest thing I've heard.
1417
01:11:58,004 --> 01:12:00,296
(guests chattering)
1418
01:12:00,379 --> 01:12:01,671
That's friends for you, that is.
1419
01:12:01,754 --> 01:12:05,587
- Dad, you know them,
any excuse for a boozer.
1420
01:12:07,212 --> 01:12:10,212
They've just taken the
whole bleeding thing over.
1421
01:12:10,296 --> 01:12:12,962
- They're genuine people, Harold.
1422
01:12:13,046 --> 01:12:16,546
(chattering and laughing)
1423
01:12:17,587 --> 01:12:19,796
- Right, stay in here,
keep the door locked.
1424
01:12:22,504 --> 01:12:23,504
- There won't be anybody to give you
1425
01:12:23,587 --> 01:12:25,296
a good sendoff when you go.
1426
01:12:27,379 --> 01:12:29,796
And another thing, what did
you have to go and tell them
1427
01:12:29,879 --> 01:12:32,921
I died sitting on the bog for?
1428
01:12:33,004 --> 01:12:35,796
I'm entitled to some dignity, you know.
1429
01:12:35,879 --> 01:12:37,379
And another thing!
1430
01:12:38,962 --> 01:12:39,879
I'm hungry.
1431
01:12:41,004 --> 01:12:41,879
(knocking on door)
1432
01:12:41,962 --> 01:12:42,796
- Oh God.
1433
01:12:48,921 --> 01:12:51,796
- You better get the tables in.
1434
01:12:51,879 --> 01:12:53,462
Take through the back there.
1435
01:12:53,546 --> 01:12:55,629
- Hello, Lenny.
- Hello, mate.
1436
01:12:55,712 --> 01:12:58,254
(chattering)
1437
01:12:58,337 --> 01:13:00,671
- Be nice in there, all right.
1438
01:13:00,754 --> 01:13:01,504
- Where do you want it, mate?
1439
01:13:01,587 --> 01:13:04,504
- Just take it through
the back there, will you?
1440
01:13:04,587 --> 01:13:05,837
Just take it and put it in the kitchen.
1441
01:13:05,921 --> 01:13:06,712
Straight through the back there.
1442
01:13:06,796 --> 01:13:07,754
- Oh, I know.
1443
01:13:07,837 --> 01:13:09,337
- Hello, darling, how are you?
1444
01:13:09,421 --> 01:13:11,837
(chattering)
1445
01:13:13,296 --> 01:13:16,712
Take it through the back there, will you?
1446
01:13:17,879 --> 01:13:20,004
Whoa, no, Freda is in the back.
1447
01:13:20,087 --> 01:13:22,754
(chattering)
1448
01:13:22,837 --> 01:13:23,587
- Hello, dear.
1449
01:13:23,671 --> 01:13:26,087
(chattering)
1450
01:13:28,837 --> 01:13:31,004
- Come on, don't you worry
about a thing, Harold.
1451
01:13:31,087 --> 01:13:32,087
You leave it all to me.
1452
01:13:32,171 --> 01:13:33,796
After all, it is your dad.
1453
01:13:33,879 --> 01:13:36,254
- Oh, Harold, you do look nice.
1454
01:13:36,337 --> 01:13:37,504
Doesn't he look nice, blokes?
1455
01:13:37,587 --> 01:13:40,504
- Oh yes, very smart. Here, hold this.
1456
01:13:40,587 --> 01:13:44,254
Here, here, who does
he put you in mind of?
1457
01:13:44,337 --> 01:13:46,254
- [First Woman] Oh it's Albert, isn't it?
1458
01:13:46,337 --> 01:13:47,212
He was a lovely dresser, wasn't he?
1459
01:13:47,296 --> 01:13:48,546
- Yeah and knew it then, didn't he?
1460
01:13:48,629 --> 01:13:51,296
- Here you go, have
some nourishment, dear.
1461
01:13:51,379 --> 01:13:53,587
- Yeah, he does look a bit peaky.
1462
01:13:53,671 --> 01:13:56,212
Here you are, love, you have
one of those. That's it.
1463
01:13:56,296 --> 01:13:58,004
- Very smart, Harold.
1464
01:13:58,087 --> 01:14:00,129
You ought to dress like that all the time.
1465
01:14:00,212 --> 01:14:02,504
- Here you are now.
1466
01:14:02,587 --> 01:14:04,837
- I would just like to
thank you all for coming.
1467
01:14:04,921 --> 01:14:07,462
This is a truly magnificent spread.
1468
01:14:07,546 --> 01:14:09,337
- [Group] Ah.
1469
01:14:09,421 --> 01:14:11,254
- Isn't he lovely?
1470
01:14:11,337 --> 01:14:14,087
- I expect you'll be glad
to see the back of him.
1471
01:14:14,171 --> 01:14:16,129
Really, be honest,
Harold, he held you back.
1472
01:14:16,212 --> 01:14:18,254
You get yourself a nice
girl. You deserve it.
1473
01:14:18,337 --> 01:14:19,671
- Yeah, you forget about him.
1474
01:14:19,754 --> 01:14:22,296
I mean, after all, love, he had his life.
1475
01:14:22,379 --> 01:14:24,129
- Yeah, he had the good
innings, didn't he?
1476
01:14:24,212 --> 01:14:27,171
- I mean, you know, now
that he's not here anymore--
1477
01:14:27,254 --> 01:14:28,004
- Freda.
1478
01:14:28,087 --> 01:14:29,004
- You can go out and enjoy yourself,
1479
01:14:29,087 --> 01:14:30,879
now you know you got old
Face Ache off your back.
1480
01:14:30,962 --> 01:14:32,212
- Freda.
1481
01:14:32,296 --> 01:14:33,629
- Will you leave off?
1482
01:14:33,712 --> 01:14:36,546
- I will try. Thank you, Auntie Freda.
1483
01:14:36,629 --> 01:14:39,046
- Ah.
- Bless you, darling.
1484
01:14:39,129 --> 01:14:39,962
- Yeah.
1485
01:14:41,296 --> 01:14:42,254
- What are you banging me for?
1486
01:14:42,337 --> 01:14:43,129
- What are you on about?
1487
01:14:43,212 --> 01:14:45,754
The poor thing is hardly
cold in his coffin,
1488
01:14:45,837 --> 01:14:47,046
and you're having a go at him.
1489
01:14:47,129 --> 01:14:47,879
- Well he don't mind.
1490
01:14:47,962 --> 01:14:49,254
- Yeah, he bleeding minds.
It's his father, isn't it?
1491
01:14:49,337 --> 01:14:50,837
- Does he mind?
1492
01:14:50,921 --> 01:14:53,087
Would I hurt Harold like that, would I?
1493
01:14:53,171 --> 01:14:54,421
I mean, I only told the truth.
1494
01:14:54,504 --> 01:14:57,879
After all, he was an old face ache.
1495
01:14:57,962 --> 01:14:59,337
- Get back in that bedroom.
1496
01:14:59,421 --> 01:15:00,171
- Silly cow.
1497
01:15:00,254 --> 01:15:03,254
- It's swarming with them down here.
1498
01:15:05,504 --> 01:15:08,712
Do you hear me? It's swarming
with them down there.
1499
01:15:08,796 --> 01:15:10,921
- I aint stopping up
here the rest of me life.
1500
01:15:11,004 --> 01:15:12,462
- You don't have to.
1501
01:15:12,546 --> 01:15:14,462
Just till we cop the insurance money.
1502
01:15:14,546 --> 01:15:16,337
Then we sneak away, one night,
1503
01:15:16,421 --> 01:15:19,462
very quietly, and we start
again somewhere else.
1504
01:15:20,462 --> 01:15:22,171
Down in Cornwall, somewhere.
1505
01:15:22,254 --> 01:15:24,671
Here, get these done.
1506
01:15:25,546 --> 01:15:26,504
- Smashing.
1507
01:15:26,587 --> 01:15:28,796
I wish I was alive, I'd scoff the lot.
1508
01:15:28,879 --> 01:15:29,754
(laughing)
1509
01:15:29,837 --> 01:15:31,462
- We'll start again.
1510
01:15:31,546 --> 01:15:33,379
I'll change my name.
1511
01:15:33,462 --> 01:15:35,462
Harry Fabersham.
1512
01:15:35,546 --> 01:15:37,337
Hello, who's this?
1513
01:15:37,421 --> 01:15:40,712
- It's Mr. Russell, the insurance agent.
1514
01:15:40,796 --> 01:15:41,796
- Perhaps he's brought a check with him.
1515
01:15:41,879 --> 01:15:44,171
That's what I like, prompt payers.
1516
01:15:45,087 --> 01:15:48,671
(guests chattering)
1517
01:15:48,754 --> 01:15:51,296
Here, get away from the window.
1518
01:15:51,379 --> 01:15:54,379
(guests chattering)
1519
01:15:58,462 --> 01:16:01,379
(knocking on door)
1520
01:16:02,837 --> 01:16:03,712
- Mr. Steptoe?
1521
01:16:03,796 --> 01:16:04,629
- Junior.
1522
01:16:06,671 --> 01:16:09,546
- My name is Russell, Eagle
Alliance Insurance Company.
1523
01:16:09,629 --> 01:16:10,962
- Won't you please come in?
1524
01:16:13,504 --> 01:16:16,546
- Harold, come on.
- Come on, Harold.
1525
01:16:16,629 --> 01:16:18,046
- Join the party.
1526
01:16:19,004 --> 01:16:20,712
- Please accept on behalf of the company
1527
01:16:20,796 --> 01:16:22,587
our deepest sympathy on
your recent bereavement.
1528
01:16:22,671 --> 01:16:26,337
- Harold (belches).
1529
01:16:26,421 --> 01:16:28,254
- Yes, it was a great shock to us all.
1530
01:16:28,337 --> 01:16:30,546
- Harold, get your
jetting gear around that.
1531
01:16:30,629 --> 01:16:33,046
What about your friend?
Would he like one at all?
1532
01:16:33,129 --> 01:16:34,379
- No, he's all right, thank you.
1533
01:16:34,462 --> 01:16:35,962
- Right, I'll go and get him one.
1534
01:16:37,046 --> 01:16:38,129
- Very sad occasion.
1535
01:16:38,212 --> 01:16:39,546
- Yes, it is very sad.
1536
01:16:39,629 --> 01:16:41,671
- Now, with regard to
the claim on the policy.
1537
01:16:41,754 --> 01:16:43,421
- Here you are, Harold.
1538
01:16:43,504 --> 01:16:46,087
It's as strong as a double scotch.
1539
01:16:47,337 --> 01:16:49,296
- We'll be more private in the kitchen.
1540
01:16:50,962 --> 01:16:51,796
- Cheers.
1541
01:16:52,962 --> 01:16:55,087
- After all these years (cries).
1542
01:16:55,171 --> 01:16:57,587
(chattering)
1543
01:16:58,504 --> 01:17:00,962
- He was very much loved.
1544
01:17:01,046 --> 01:17:03,712
But we should be all right
in here for a few minutes.
1545
01:17:06,921 --> 01:17:08,421
Excuse me, I'll shut the door.
1546
01:17:09,962 --> 01:17:11,296
Would you care to sit down?
1547
01:17:12,296 --> 01:17:13,129
Champagne.
1548
01:17:17,837 --> 01:17:19,212
Nicely chilled.
1549
01:17:19,296 --> 01:17:20,129
- No thank you.
1550
01:17:29,629 --> 01:17:30,879
Well now.
1551
01:17:30,962 --> 01:17:32,712
- 1,000 pounds, I believe.
1552
01:17:32,796 --> 01:17:35,879
- Yes, but there is one slight snag.
1553
01:17:35,962 --> 01:17:37,129
- Snag?
1554
01:17:37,212 --> 01:17:40,921
- We must regretfully inform
you that in April 1949
1555
01:17:41,004 --> 01:17:42,962
your late father assigned the policy
1556
01:17:43,046 --> 01:17:46,087
to a Mrs. Eileen Piecraft,
1557
01:17:46,171 --> 01:17:48,171
who is now therefore the beneficiary.
1558
01:17:48,254 --> 01:17:50,462
We will accordingly be
arranging to make payment
1559
01:17:50,546 --> 01:17:53,129
of the claim to Mrs.
Piecroft in the near future.
1560
01:17:54,129 --> 01:17:56,629
- I don't quite understand.
1561
01:17:56,712 --> 01:17:58,546
- The assignment was legally attested to.
1562
01:17:58,629 --> 01:18:00,421
I'm afraid there's nothing
we can do about it.
1563
01:18:00,504 --> 01:18:01,254
(knocking on door)
1564
01:18:01,337 --> 01:18:03,129
- [Freda] Come on, hurry up.
Gonna be in there all day?
1565
01:18:03,212 --> 01:18:04,087
- It can't be legal.
1566
01:18:04,171 --> 01:18:05,796
No, please, look.
1567
01:18:05,879 --> 01:18:07,546
- It's about bleeding time.
1568
01:18:07,629 --> 01:18:08,587
- Is it legal?
1569
01:18:08,671 --> 01:18:09,587
- Of course it's legal.
1570
01:18:10,462 --> 01:18:11,462
- Harold?
- What?
1571
01:18:12,462 --> 01:18:13,879
- Find yourself a nice girl.
1572
01:18:16,921 --> 01:18:18,254
- I hope it's all quite
clear, Mr. Steptoe,
1573
01:18:18,337 --> 01:18:19,712
and good day to you.
1574
01:18:20,754 --> 01:18:22,796
- Here, where's your proper collar?
1575
01:18:22,879 --> 01:18:26,421
- He can't. He's a shop steward.
1576
01:18:26,504 --> 01:18:28,212
- My condolences.
1577
01:18:28,296 --> 01:18:30,671
- [Harold] But I'm his natural son!
1578
01:18:30,754 --> 01:18:31,879
- Is the vicar leaving?
1579
01:18:31,962 --> 01:18:33,421
- Shut up!
1580
01:18:33,504 --> 01:18:35,254
Mrs. Eileen Piecraft.
1581
01:18:35,337 --> 01:18:38,337
(guests chattering)
1582
01:18:41,129 --> 01:18:42,004
- How much profits?
1583
01:18:42,087 --> 01:18:44,671
- Who the bleeding hell
is Mrs. Eileen Piecraft?
1584
01:18:44,754 --> 01:18:48,837
- Who?
1585
01:18:48,921 --> 01:18:50,129
- You heard!
1586
01:18:50,129 --> 01:18:51,546
- Gold.
1587
01:18:51,754 --> 01:18:53,671
- It's not true. It can't be true.
1588
01:18:53,712 --> 01:18:55,462
- I forgot about her.
1589
01:18:55,504 --> 01:18:56,962
- You forgot.
1590
01:18:57,046 --> 01:18:58,421
- It was a long time ago.
1591
01:18:58,504 --> 01:19:02,212
It was while you was
in the army in Malaya.
1592
01:19:02,296 --> 01:19:04,087
I met this bird, see?
1593
01:19:04,171 --> 01:19:05,879
We was going to get married.
1594
01:19:05,962 --> 01:19:07,504
Didn't I tell you about her?
1595
01:19:07,587 --> 01:19:10,337
- No. No, you didn't.
1596
01:19:10,421 --> 01:19:13,046
- It was very serious at the time.
1597
01:19:14,254 --> 01:19:17,171
But she wanted a bit of security, see?
1598
01:19:18,046 --> 01:19:20,087
She was a bit younger than me.
1599
01:19:20,171 --> 01:19:21,629
- How old was she?
1600
01:19:21,712 --> 01:19:22,546
- 18.
1601
01:19:24,212 --> 01:19:25,879
- You dirty old man.
1602
01:19:27,712 --> 01:19:30,046
She was even younger than I was.
1603
01:19:30,129 --> 01:19:31,004
- Yeah.
1604
01:19:31,087 --> 01:19:33,171
- Not much chance of her
being dead then, is there?
1605
01:19:33,254 --> 01:19:36,046
- No, she was a very healthy girl.
1606
01:19:36,129 --> 01:19:38,296
- Yes, well, she's gonna
get a nice healthy surprise
1607
01:19:38,379 --> 01:19:40,796
on her doormat first thing
in the morning, 1,000 quid.
1608
01:19:40,879 --> 01:19:42,171
- Plus profits.
1609
01:19:42,254 --> 01:19:43,796
- Look, when she didn't wanna marry you,
1610
01:19:43,879 --> 01:19:46,004
why didn't you change
the policy back again?
1611
01:19:46,087 --> 01:19:47,462
- I forgot.
1612
01:19:47,546 --> 01:19:49,712
- I forgot, I forgot.
1613
01:19:49,796 --> 01:19:51,879
Oh God, I could kill you properly
1614
01:19:51,962 --> 01:19:53,837
if I thought you was worth anything.
1615
01:19:56,171 --> 01:19:59,879
How can you forget a thing like that?
1616
01:19:59,962 --> 01:20:01,879
- Don't get upset, Harold.
1617
01:20:01,962 --> 01:20:02,796
- Upset!
1618
01:20:04,421 --> 01:20:08,337
You're being buried in an
hour's time. You're not dead!
1619
01:20:08,421 --> 01:20:09,629
We've swindled the insurance company,
1620
01:20:09,712 --> 01:20:11,254
we aint gonna get the money.
1621
01:20:11,337 --> 01:20:12,462
You're gonna have to go into hiding
1622
01:20:12,546 --> 01:20:14,212
for the rest of your life.
1623
01:20:14,296 --> 01:20:15,879
I shall probably go to the nick for fraud,
1624
01:20:15,962 --> 01:20:17,754
when Frankie Barrow's finished with me.
1625
01:20:17,837 --> 01:20:21,546
And all you can say is don't get upset.
1626
01:20:21,629 --> 01:20:23,504
I'm entitled to get upset!
1627
01:20:23,587 --> 01:20:26,504
- There's nothing much we
can do about it, is there?
1628
01:20:26,587 --> 01:20:28,796
You can't bring me back to life, can you?
1629
01:20:28,879 --> 01:20:29,712
- Oh belt up!
1630
01:20:32,796 --> 01:20:33,629
What did you say?
1631
01:20:34,796 --> 01:20:37,379
- I said you can't bring
me back to life, can you?
1632
01:20:38,254 --> 01:20:39,921
- Oh yes I can.
1633
01:20:40,004 --> 01:20:42,754
(group laughing)
1634
01:20:44,212 --> 01:20:46,421
- First time the drinks
have been on Albert.
1635
01:20:47,587 --> 01:20:50,962
(group chattering)
1636
01:20:51,046 --> 01:20:53,671
- George, Lennie, I'm
most surprised at you.
1637
01:20:53,754 --> 01:20:55,421
This is a coffin, not a four-hour bar.
1638
01:20:55,504 --> 01:20:56,754
- Well I'm sorry, Harold,
1639
01:20:56,837 --> 01:20:58,629
but there's not a lotta
room in here, is there?
1640
01:20:58,712 --> 01:20:59,462
- No.
- No.
1641
01:20:59,546 --> 01:21:00,296
- Well come on, clear it off.
1642
01:21:00,379 --> 01:21:01,129
That's gonna go right through the beeswax.
1643
01:21:01,212 --> 01:21:03,046
This is a brand-new coffin, this is.
1644
01:21:03,129 --> 01:21:05,254
Would you excuse me?
1645
01:21:05,337 --> 01:21:06,837
- Oi, I did.
1646
01:21:06,921 --> 01:21:07,879
- Why don't we put a cloth over it?
1647
01:21:07,962 --> 01:21:09,421
- We'll do no such thing.
1648
01:21:09,504 --> 01:21:10,837
We'll move it over into the alcove,
1649
01:21:10,921 --> 01:21:12,254
just by the window, come on.
1650
01:21:12,337 --> 01:21:13,337
Get it up.
1651
01:21:13,421 --> 01:21:16,337
(group chattering)
1652
01:21:20,129 --> 01:21:21,796
- Get out of the bloody way.
1653
01:21:21,879 --> 01:21:24,046
Steamroller in the window.
1654
01:21:27,504 --> 01:21:29,087
You all right then?
1655
01:21:29,171 --> 01:21:30,046
Over by here, son.
1656
01:21:30,921 --> 01:21:33,837
(group chattering)
1657
01:21:44,337 --> 01:21:47,087
(glass clinking)
1658
01:21:49,171 --> 01:21:52,087
(group chattering)
1659
01:21:55,296 --> 01:21:56,046
- Right.
1660
01:21:56,129 --> 01:21:59,046
(group chattering)
1661
01:22:04,004 --> 01:22:05,462
- Oh don't help me here.
1662
01:22:05,546 --> 01:22:08,296
Do as little as you possibly can.
1663
01:22:12,879 --> 01:22:13,879
Down you go.
1664
01:22:15,087 --> 01:22:18,004
(group chattering)
1665
01:22:19,379 --> 01:22:21,254
Right, now don't forget,
1666
01:22:21,337 --> 01:22:23,129
I'll say, he was a good father to me.
1667
01:22:23,212 --> 01:22:24,046
When no one's looking,
1668
01:22:24,129 --> 01:22:26,629
I shall tap three times, and you groan.
1669
01:22:26,712 --> 01:22:28,629
(groaning)
1670
01:22:28,712 --> 01:22:30,837
Then you knock three times on the coffin,
1671
01:22:30,921 --> 01:22:32,796
then you sits up and you looks round.
1672
01:22:33,629 --> 01:22:34,754
- They'll all faint.
1673
01:22:34,837 --> 01:22:36,796
- Don't you worry about
it. I'll scream first.
1674
01:22:40,462 --> 01:22:41,671
Stupid old...
1675
01:22:41,754 --> 01:22:44,671
(group chattering)
1676
01:22:51,212 --> 01:22:53,879
(women singing)
1677
01:23:01,629 --> 01:23:02,962
- Did he suffer at all?
1678
01:23:03,046 --> 01:23:04,754
- No, no no, I don't think so.
1679
01:23:04,837 --> 01:23:05,796
No, he went out like a light.
1680
01:23:05,879 --> 01:23:08,087
- That's the best way to go, yeah.
1681
01:23:08,171 --> 01:23:09,629
- Oh, he was a good father to me.
1682
01:23:09,712 --> 01:23:11,671
- I always thought he was
a miserable old bleeder.
1683
01:23:11,754 --> 01:23:12,504
(laughing)
1684
01:23:12,587 --> 01:23:15,129
- No, no no no, he was a good father,
1685
01:23:15,212 --> 01:23:17,004
and I shall miss him terribly.
1686
01:23:17,087 --> 01:23:18,879
โช Dear Harold โช
1687
01:23:18,962 --> 01:23:21,754
(laughing)
1688
01:23:21,837 --> 01:23:23,462
Don't know how I'm gonna
manage without him.
1689
01:23:23,546 --> 01:23:25,171
(knocking on coffin)
1690
01:23:25,254 --> 01:23:26,504
Quiet please, quiet.
1691
01:23:27,712 --> 01:23:29,129
Did you hear anything?
1692
01:23:29,212 --> 01:23:31,754
- No. No, I didn't here nothing.
1693
01:23:31,837 --> 01:23:33,546
Gree, did you hear anything?
1694
01:23:33,629 --> 01:23:34,379
- Eh?
1695
01:23:34,462 --> 01:23:35,629
- [Freda] Did you hear anything?
1696
01:23:35,712 --> 01:23:39,546
- What, with all this
bleeding noise going on?
1697
01:23:40,671 --> 01:23:42,462
- Coulda swore I heard something.
1698
01:23:42,546 --> 01:23:43,629
- What sort of thing?
1699
01:23:43,712 --> 01:23:46,962
- I don't know, it was
kind of a, sort of a groan.
1700
01:23:47,046 --> 01:23:48,629
Sort of (groans).
1701
01:23:48,712 --> 01:23:49,879
- Must have been Albert.
1702
01:23:49,962 --> 01:23:51,796
(group laughing)
1703
01:23:51,879 --> 01:23:54,421
- If it's serious, they'll
groan again, right?
1704
01:23:54,504 --> 01:23:55,712
- Here, come on, you lot.
1705
01:23:55,796 --> 01:23:58,254
It's two o'clock. It's time we was off.
1706
01:23:58,337 --> 01:23:59,921
They're not gonna keep
that hole open forever.
1707
01:24:00,004 --> 01:24:03,421
- No no no, don't go.
Let's have one more drink.
1708
01:24:03,504 --> 01:24:05,837
- We can have that when
we come back, can't we?
1709
01:24:06,921 --> 01:24:08,296
Besides, Rangers are
at home this afternoon.
1710
01:24:08,379 --> 01:24:09,962
We don't wanna get caught
up in all that traffic.
1711
01:24:10,046 --> 01:24:12,754
- Just one more drink. It won't take long.
1712
01:24:12,837 --> 01:24:14,254
Dear old pal, jolly old pal.
1713
01:24:15,671 --> 01:24:17,379
- Harold, we know how you feel.
1714
01:24:17,462 --> 01:24:19,712
We don't wanna see him go
under no more than what you do.
1715
01:24:19,796 --> 01:24:22,129
But let's face it, Son, he is dead.
1716
01:24:22,212 --> 01:24:23,462
And it's not gonna help matters
1717
01:24:23,546 --> 01:24:24,837
leaving him around here, is it?
1718
01:24:24,921 --> 01:24:26,462
- Dear old pals.
1719
01:24:26,546 --> 01:24:27,629
- He's gotta go under, Harold.
1720
01:24:27,712 --> 01:24:29,462
Otherwise, he'll stink
the bleeding place up.
1721
01:24:29,546 --> 01:24:31,754
- Like he did when he was alive.
1722
01:24:31,837 --> 01:24:33,629
- All I'm saying is let's
have one more drink.
1723
01:24:33,712 --> 01:24:35,296
That's not going to make us late.
1724
01:24:35,379 --> 01:24:38,671
- Harold, if we have one
more drink, we're all going
1725
01:24:38,754 --> 01:24:40,879
to fall down the bleeding
hole with him, isn't we?
1726
01:24:40,962 --> 01:24:43,046
Now come on, let's get
this pouring out of here.
1727
01:24:43,129 --> 01:24:45,046
(knocking on wood)
1728
01:24:45,129 --> 01:24:47,587
- [Harold] Daddy. Daddy?
1729
01:24:47,671 --> 01:24:48,421
Daddy!
1730
01:24:48,504 --> 01:24:51,421
(group chattering)
1731
01:24:54,337 --> 01:24:57,171
(Harold shouting)
1732
01:24:58,587 --> 01:24:59,337
No.
1733
01:24:59,421 --> 01:25:00,171
- Get it on, now.
1734
01:25:00,254 --> 01:25:02,212
It's freezing cold out there.
1735
01:25:02,296 --> 01:25:06,171
Just be a good boy, and put it on.
1736
01:25:06,254 --> 01:25:08,504
- Wake up! Wake up!
1737
01:25:08,587 --> 01:25:10,587
- Pick it up a bit, George. That's it.
1738
01:25:12,254 --> 01:25:14,796
It's a nice bit of wood, Harold.
1739
01:25:14,879 --> 01:25:17,712
(group chattering)
1740
01:25:17,796 --> 01:25:20,462
(group singing)
1741
01:25:25,754 --> 01:25:28,004
(groaning)
1742
01:25:29,879 --> 01:25:32,796
(group chattering)
1743
01:25:37,796 --> 01:25:39,254
- There you go.
1744
01:25:39,337 --> 01:25:41,629
(group singing)
1745
01:25:41,712 --> 01:25:42,712
- No no.
1746
01:25:42,796 --> 01:25:46,129
- No, you're in the first car,
Harold, behind the deceased.
1747
01:25:46,212 --> 01:25:47,171
- Daddy!
1748
01:25:47,254 --> 01:25:48,087
Daddy!
1749
01:25:49,629 --> 01:25:51,171
- Up you go in there, lad.
1750
01:25:51,254 --> 01:25:54,337
- Don't worry, Harold. He's not dead.
1751
01:25:55,587 --> 01:25:56,337
- Eh?
1752
01:25:56,421 --> 01:25:57,671
- No, he's only sleeping.
1753
01:25:58,587 --> 01:26:00,504
- Oh yes, I know he is.
1754
01:26:02,296 --> 01:26:03,837
Lazy bleeder.
1755
01:26:03,921 --> 01:26:06,587
(group singing)
1756
01:26:09,629 --> 01:26:12,087
- [Lennie] Come on, we're gonna be late!
1757
01:26:12,171 --> 01:26:15,087
(group chattering)
1758
01:26:19,212 --> 01:26:21,879
(group singing)
1759
01:26:33,754 --> 01:26:35,587
- Let me through, let me through.
1760
01:26:35,671 --> 01:26:37,587
Now I gotta get off. I gotta get off.
1761
01:26:37,671 --> 01:26:39,421
Please, can you get me through? Thank you.
1762
01:26:39,504 --> 01:26:40,629
- Harold.
1763
01:26:40,712 --> 01:26:43,379
(group singing)
1764
01:26:46,004 --> 01:26:47,504
(belching)
1765
01:26:47,587 --> 01:26:49,879
- Give it here.
1766
01:26:49,962 --> 01:26:51,962
(Harold shouting)
1767
01:26:52,046 --> 01:26:53,379
- Harold.
1768
01:26:53,462 --> 01:26:54,296
Harold!
1769
01:26:58,879 --> 01:27:01,546
(group singing)
1770
01:27:06,087 --> 01:27:07,296
Won't you have a little?
1771
01:27:07,379 --> 01:27:08,629
That'll pick up.
1772
01:27:08,712 --> 01:27:11,379
(group singing)
1773
01:27:17,837 --> 01:27:20,754
(group chattering)
1774
01:27:22,921 --> 01:27:25,587
(group singing)
1775
01:27:28,796 --> 01:27:30,212
Sit down, Harold.
1776
01:27:31,212 --> 01:27:32,629
Harold, sit down.
1777
01:27:47,962 --> 01:27:49,212
- Daddy! Daddy!
1778
01:27:51,212 --> 01:27:53,212
Daddy! Wake up, wake up!
1779
01:27:57,712 --> 01:27:58,796
- Get back on that cart.
1780
01:27:58,879 --> 01:28:00,087
You're not gonna wake him up.
1781
01:28:00,171 --> 01:28:01,587
- [Harold] Daddy!
1782
01:28:08,129 --> 01:28:10,796
(group singing)
1783
01:28:15,212 --> 01:28:16,296
- Whoa, whoa.
1784
01:28:21,087 --> 01:28:24,046
(horse nickering)
1785
01:28:24,129 --> 01:28:24,962
Harold.
1786
01:28:31,671 --> 01:28:33,087
Come on.
1787
01:28:33,171 --> 01:28:34,421
(yawning)
1788
01:28:34,504 --> 01:28:36,837
- [Harold] Wake up! Wake up!
1789
01:28:38,879 --> 01:28:41,546
(group singing)
1790
01:28:54,254 --> 01:28:55,671
- Hey, stop them!
1791
01:28:57,337 --> 01:28:59,379
Chris, hang about!
1792
01:28:59,462 --> 01:29:02,379
(group chattering)
1793
01:29:10,546 --> 01:29:11,837
We better carry on then, haven't we?
1794
01:29:11,921 --> 01:29:13,671
What if he comes out?
1795
01:29:15,462 --> 01:29:17,837
We have time to dig
another hole, just in case.
1796
01:29:19,212 --> 01:29:21,754
Take him over to
hospital, will you? Go on.
1797
01:29:23,212 --> 01:29:24,296
Hey, hang about.
1798
01:29:24,379 --> 01:29:27,296
(group chattering)
1799
01:29:45,129 --> 01:29:48,212
(church organ music)
1800
01:30:00,421 --> 01:30:02,087
- Please follow me.
1801
01:30:04,212 --> 01:30:08,379
I am the resurrection and
the life, said the Lord.
1802
01:30:08,462 --> 01:30:11,629
He that believeth in
me, though he were dead,
1803
01:30:11,712 --> 01:30:13,504
yet shall he live.
1804
01:30:13,587 --> 01:30:14,921
(groaning)
1805
01:30:15,004 --> 01:30:16,379
- You okay, baby?
1806
01:30:16,462 --> 01:30:18,004
- What happened?
1807
01:30:18,087 --> 01:30:20,962
- You're all right, old
chap. No cause for alarm.
1808
01:30:21,046 --> 01:30:22,129
- Where am I?
1809
01:30:22,212 --> 01:30:24,296
- In hospital, of course. Where else?
1810
01:30:24,379 --> 01:30:26,254
- I was going to a funeral?
1811
01:30:26,337 --> 01:30:29,212
- No no, no, you are not dead yet.
1812
01:30:29,296 --> 01:30:30,629
- [Vicar] Of whom may we seek of succour
1813
01:30:30,712 --> 01:30:32,796
but of Thee, oh Lord?
1814
01:30:32,879 --> 01:30:33,962
Who for our sins--
1815
01:30:34,046 --> 01:30:36,962
(group chattering)
1816
01:30:41,046 --> 01:30:43,921
- I was going to a funeral.
1817
01:30:44,004 --> 01:30:46,629
I was going to a funeral!
1818
01:30:46,712 --> 01:30:49,962
- [Vicar] In my flesh, shall I see God.
1819
01:30:50,046 --> 01:30:54,462
Whom I shall see for myself,
and mine eyes shall behold,
1820
01:30:54,546 --> 01:30:55,962
and not another.
1821
01:30:56,046 --> 01:30:57,171
- You had 10 stitches.
1822
01:30:57,254 --> 01:30:58,879
I must insist you get back on the trolley.
1823
01:30:58,962 --> 01:31:00,671
- Yeah, but my father's being buried.
1824
01:31:00,754 --> 01:31:03,587
If I don't get there
in time, he'll be dead.
1825
01:31:03,671 --> 01:31:05,296
- A harder knock than we thought?
1826
01:31:06,629 --> 01:31:09,254
(shouting)
1827
01:31:09,337 --> 01:31:12,087
(group shouting)
1828
01:31:14,837 --> 01:31:19,587
- The Lord gave, and the
Lord hath taken away.
1829
01:31:21,462 --> 01:31:24,546
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
1830
01:31:24,629 --> 01:31:29,129
So when this corruptible
shall put on incorruption,
1831
01:31:29,212 --> 01:31:32,212
and this mortal shall
have put on immortality,
1832
01:31:33,546 --> 01:31:36,046
then shall be brought to pass the saying
1833
01:31:36,129 --> 01:31:40,296
that is written, Death is
swallowed up in victory.
1834
01:31:41,212 --> 01:31:43,296
Behold, I show you a mystery.
1835
01:31:44,379 --> 01:31:46,254
We shall not all--
1836
01:31:46,337 --> 01:31:49,712
- Blimey, he's got a
bleeding cheek coming here.
1837
01:31:49,796 --> 01:31:51,754
- Yeah, what's he doing here?
1838
01:31:51,837 --> 01:31:54,254
- Who is he?
- Frankie Barrow.
1839
01:31:59,754 --> 01:32:01,212
- Hey, where are you going?
1840
01:32:01,296 --> 01:32:03,379
Kent Sunrise Cemetery and hurry!
1841
01:32:03,462 --> 01:32:04,921
- Don't be a silly boy.
Go on back in there.
1842
01:32:05,004 --> 01:32:06,212
- No, I'm all right.
1843
01:32:06,296 --> 01:32:09,087
My father's being buried. I've
gotta be there in 10 minutes!
1844
01:32:09,171 --> 01:32:11,879
- All right, all right.
Keep your turban on.
1845
01:32:11,962 --> 01:32:12,879
(groaning)
1846
01:32:12,962 --> 01:32:17,087
- In the morning, it is
green and groweth up.
1847
01:32:17,171 --> 01:32:22,129
But in the evening, it is cut
down, dried up and withered.
1848
01:32:22,212 --> 01:32:23,087
- I know the feeling.
1849
01:32:23,171 --> 01:32:24,254
- [Woman] Sh!
1850
01:32:25,629 --> 01:32:27,462
- Come on, come on!
1851
01:32:27,546 --> 01:32:29,546
Faster, faster! Move it!
1852
01:32:31,754 --> 01:32:34,879
(brakes squealing)
1853
01:32:34,962 --> 01:32:37,421
- [Vicar] Who for our sins
are justly displeased.
1854
01:32:38,879 --> 01:32:40,921
For as much as it has pleased almighty God
1855
01:32:41,004 --> 01:32:43,962
of His great mercy to take unto Himself
1856
01:32:44,046 --> 01:32:47,129
the soul of our brother here departed,
1857
01:32:47,212 --> 01:32:49,004
we therefore commit
his body to the ground.
1858
01:32:49,087 --> 01:32:49,921
- Stop!
1859
01:32:51,879 --> 01:32:54,212
(screaming)
1860
01:32:55,879 --> 01:32:59,129
(vicar groaning)
1861
01:32:59,212 --> 01:33:00,671
Terribly sorry.
1862
01:33:00,754 --> 01:33:01,921
Wrong funeral.
1863
01:33:05,254 --> 01:33:07,712
- For as much as it has
pleased almighty God
1864
01:33:07,796 --> 01:33:10,546
of His great mercy to
take unto Himself the soul
1865
01:33:10,629 --> 01:33:13,462
of our dear brother here departed,
1866
01:33:15,504 --> 01:33:18,837
we therefore commit his body to the Earth,
1867
01:33:18,921 --> 01:33:21,046
that it may be like
unto his glorious body,
1868
01:33:22,046 --> 01:33:24,254
according to the mighty workings
1869
01:33:24,337 --> 01:33:29,337
whereby He is able subdue
all things to Himself.
1870
01:33:30,796 --> 01:33:34,254
I heard a voice from
heaven saying unto me,
1871
01:33:34,337 --> 01:33:36,546
Blessed are the dead
which die in the Lord,
1872
01:33:37,629 --> 01:33:39,921
for they rest from their labours.
1873
01:33:41,337 --> 01:33:44,629
Unto us, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
1874
01:33:45,837 --> 01:33:49,212
In sure and certain
hope of the resurrection
1875
01:33:49,296 --> 01:33:53,087
to eternal life through
our Lord, Jesus Christ.
1876
01:33:53,171 --> 01:33:55,921
(dramatic music)
1877
01:34:10,671 --> 01:34:12,046
(screaming)
1878
01:34:12,129 --> 01:34:14,962
(group panicking)
1879
01:34:19,754 --> 01:34:23,421
- Get off, you dirty soppy great thing.
1880
01:34:23,504 --> 01:34:25,921
(group screaming)
1881
01:34:26,004 --> 01:34:28,837
- Shut up, you silly cow! Shut up!
1882
01:34:30,046 --> 01:34:32,337
- Shut up, will you? Shut up!
1883
01:34:32,421 --> 01:34:35,504
(church organ music)
1884
01:34:37,421 --> 01:34:40,337
(mysterious music)
1885
01:34:56,421 --> 01:34:57,671
- Now about the policy.
1886
01:34:57,754 --> 01:34:59,337
- Yeah, well, there was a snag.
1887
01:34:59,421 --> 01:35:00,379
- Snag?
1888
01:35:00,462 --> 01:35:03,171
- Well you see, after a
tremendous amount of research,
1889
01:35:03,254 --> 01:35:05,379
we managed to trace Mrs. Piecraft.
1890
01:35:05,421 --> 01:35:08,212
But luckily, your father
had made it a condition
1891
01:35:08,296 --> 01:35:11,421
that the money would not go
to her if she ever remarried.
1892
01:35:11,504 --> 01:35:12,837
And I'm glad to say that she has.
1893
01:35:12,921 --> 01:35:16,712
- Oh, oh, in that case, I could
have buried him after all.
1894
01:35:17,629 --> 01:35:20,296
- Anyway, the policy now
reverts back to Mr. Steptoe.
1895
01:35:20,379 --> 01:35:22,337
Now are you quite sure that
you want to cash it in?
1896
01:35:22,421 --> 01:35:23,546
- [Harold] Yes, he does.
1897
01:35:23,629 --> 01:35:25,796
- The surrender value is, of
course, not as much as you
1898
01:35:25,879 --> 01:35:28,546
would have received in the
event of Mr. Steptoe's death.
1899
01:35:28,629 --> 01:35:29,754
- Well, we'd rather have the conquers.
1900
01:35:29,837 --> 01:35:31,712
You see, we find ourself at this moment
1901
01:35:31,796 --> 01:35:34,337
in a rather embarrassing
pecuniary situation.
1902
01:35:34,421 --> 01:35:35,546
- Yeah, we're skint.
1903
01:35:35,629 --> 01:35:36,421
- Potless.
1904
01:35:36,504 --> 01:35:37,171
- Quite.
1905
01:35:37,212 --> 01:35:40,379
Well, if you would just
sign the release form here.
1906
01:35:40,837 --> 01:35:42,462
Just there.
1907
01:35:42,671 --> 01:35:43,796
- Make your mark.
1908
01:35:46,671 --> 01:35:48,921
- Now then, here's our
check in full settlement,
1909
01:35:49,004 --> 01:35:50,879
876 pounds.
1910
01:35:50,962 --> 01:35:53,671
- Thank you very much, goodbye.
1911
01:35:53,754 --> 01:35:54,796
- I was going to discuss the advisability
1912
01:35:54,879 --> 01:35:56,379
of taking out a new policy.
1913
01:35:56,462 --> 01:35:57,837
- I know, thank you.
1914
01:35:57,921 --> 01:35:59,546
- You can pay by monthly instalments.
1915
01:35:59,629 --> 01:36:00,379
- We're fully covered, thank you.
1916
01:36:00,462 --> 01:36:01,504
- You can insure each other.
1917
01:36:01,587 --> 01:36:02,921
- No no, no thank you.
1918
01:36:03,004 --> 01:36:04,379
- Personal accident,
now that's a good one.
1919
01:36:04,462 --> 01:36:05,421
- No thank you.
1920
01:36:05,504 --> 01:36:06,254
- Personal indemnity.
1921
01:36:06,337 --> 01:36:07,629
If you're worried one
of your tiles fall down
1922
01:36:07,712 --> 01:36:08,837
on one of your neighbor's heads.
1923
01:36:08,921 --> 01:36:13,421
- We don't like the neighbours, goodbye.
1924
01:36:13,504 --> 01:36:14,421
876 nickers.
1925
01:36:15,296 --> 01:36:17,837
Money, money, money, money, money!
1926
01:36:17,921 --> 01:36:19,879
(horse nickering)
1927
01:36:19,962 --> 01:36:20,796
- Not bad.
1928
01:36:21,962 --> 01:36:23,712
Really good.
1929
01:36:23,796 --> 01:36:24,629
How much?
1930
01:36:24,712 --> 01:36:25,462
- 80 quid.
1931
01:36:25,546 --> 01:36:27,046
- You did well there.
1932
01:36:27,129 --> 01:36:27,879
Where's the change?
1933
01:36:27,962 --> 01:36:32,421
- Oh, well, I, uh, I invested it.
1934
01:36:32,504 --> 01:36:34,962
- Oh no, Harold, you haven't?
1935
01:36:35,046 --> 01:36:36,129
Not again.
1936
01:36:36,212 --> 01:36:38,171
What have you slung it away on this time?
1937
01:36:40,504 --> 01:36:44,629
- A racehorse, buying
a bleeding racehorse.
1938
01:36:44,712 --> 01:36:46,921
- I bought a half-share in a racehorse.
1939
01:36:46,921 --> 01:36:49,796
- You bought a half-share in a racehorse.
1940
01:36:49,879 --> 01:36:52,337
Yeah, and from Frankie Barrow.
1941
01:36:52,421 --> 01:36:55,421
- You wait till he wins this
afternoon. We'll be quids in.
1942
01:36:55,504 --> 01:36:56,837
He'll start at 25 to one.
1943
01:36:56,921 --> 01:37:00,254
- Yeah, and he probably won't
finish until half past 10.
1944
01:37:00,337 --> 01:37:01,129
(mocking laughter)
1945
01:37:01,212 --> 01:37:04,504
You've been conned
again, you great pillock.
1946
01:37:04,587 --> 01:37:06,296
- You don't believe me, do you?
1947
01:37:06,379 --> 01:37:08,254
There it is, see, in black and white.
1948
01:37:08,337 --> 01:37:11,046
This is to certify that
Harold Steptoe owns
1949
01:37:11,129 --> 01:37:12,879
a half-share in Excalibur.
1950
01:37:14,004 --> 01:37:16,379
- Yeah, here it is in
black and white as well.
1951
01:37:16,462 --> 01:37:20,046
Excalibur, owner H.M. Queen.
1952
01:37:20,046 --> 01:37:23,046
- Yeah, that's him,
that's right, H.M. Queen.
1953
01:37:23,129 --> 01:37:24,254
That's my partner.
1954
01:37:24,421 --> 01:37:26,212
We're gonna split half the winnings.
1955
01:37:26,212 --> 01:37:28,212
- H.M. Queen?
1956
01:37:28,254 --> 01:37:30,296
- H.M. Queen.
1957
01:37:30,587 --> 01:37:34,421
- H.M. Queen.
1958
01:37:35,212 --> 01:37:36,879
- [Harold] Oh my God.
1959
01:37:36,962 --> 01:37:41,796
("God Save the Queen" instrumental music)
1960
01:38:01,004 --> 01:38:03,171
(arguing)
1961
01:38:11,587 --> 01:38:14,171
(upbeat music)
127438
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