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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:49,587 (rooster crowing) 4 00:00:50,587 --> 00:00:53,171 (gentle music) 5 00:01:09,046 --> 00:01:11,212 (rooster crowing) 6 00:01:11,296 --> 00:01:12,546 (gun firing) 7 00:01:12,629 --> 00:01:14,462 - Noisy bleeder. 8 00:01:14,546 --> 00:01:17,962 (rooster crowing) 9 00:01:18,046 --> 00:01:21,546 (rooster crowing) 10 00:01:21,629 --> 00:01:23,421 (gun firing) 11 00:01:23,504 --> 00:01:26,254 (glass smashing) 12 00:01:28,212 --> 00:01:30,462 (shouting) 13 00:01:31,337 --> 00:01:34,421 (upbeat piano music) 14 00:01:38,296 --> 00:01:40,546 (groaning) 15 00:01:40,629 --> 00:01:43,212 (upbeat music) 16 00:01:50,796 --> 00:01:52,879 (coughing) 17 00:01:52,962 --> 00:01:55,546 (upbeat music) 18 00:02:54,296 --> 00:02:56,462 - Right, where's my dinner money? 19 00:02:56,546 --> 00:02:57,671 - We haven't got any. 20 00:02:57,754 --> 00:02:59,254 You'll have to make do with sandwiches. 21 00:02:59,337 --> 00:03:00,629 - I can't go all day without proper dinner. 22 00:03:00,712 --> 00:03:03,171 - We can't afford two hot meals a day. 23 00:03:03,254 --> 00:03:05,921 We're not earning it. We'll have to economise. 24 00:03:09,004 --> 00:03:10,546 - The bleeding horse gets his dinner. 25 00:03:10,629 --> 00:03:13,671 - Well that's different. He's more important than you are. 26 00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,004 - Thank you very much. 27 00:03:16,046 --> 00:03:17,879 - [Albert] Gotta keep him healthy. 28 00:03:17,962 --> 00:03:20,629 If he packs it in, we've had it. 29 00:03:22,171 --> 00:03:25,212 - Why don't you stop smoking that horrible tobacco? 30 00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,212 Even stinks the yard out. 31 00:03:27,754 --> 00:03:29,962 - It's the only enjoyment I get outta life. 32 00:03:30,046 --> 00:03:32,212 They're the cheapest they've got. 33 00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:33,879 - It smells like it. 34 00:03:33,962 --> 00:03:35,379 Horse manure and bus tickets. 35 00:03:35,462 --> 00:03:37,212 - I can't afford anything else. 36 00:03:37,296 --> 00:03:38,712 We've had a lot of bills lately. 37 00:03:38,796 --> 00:03:40,504 - Now look, you, I've got... 38 00:03:42,754 --> 00:03:44,462 I am not interested. 39 00:03:44,671 --> 00:03:47,962 Broke or not, if there is no meat for me on the table 40 00:03:48,046 --> 00:03:49,587 when I come in tonight, I'm warning you, 41 00:03:49,671 --> 00:03:51,921 the horse is going out with one leg missing 42 00:03:52,004 --> 00:03:53,962 tomorrow, all right? 43 00:03:54,046 --> 00:03:57,004 And no secret eating before I get home. 44 00:03:57,087 --> 00:03:59,171 We shall eat together in full view of each other. 45 00:03:59,254 --> 00:04:01,837 In future, I wanna see every little forkful that goes 46 00:04:01,921 --> 00:04:05,254 down that horrible little grub tunnel of yours, understand? 47 00:04:07,504 --> 00:04:08,754 Good morning, Pater. 48 00:04:08,837 --> 00:04:13,171 Don't call me at the office. I shall be in conference. 49 00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:15,921 (calling horse) 50 00:04:16,629 --> 00:04:18,754 Have a good day in the garden, Father. 51 00:04:18,837 --> 00:04:21,046 Get Jenkins to prune the elms, will you? 52 00:04:21,129 --> 00:04:23,462 - If you brought home some good stuff for a change, 53 00:04:23,546 --> 00:04:24,921 we might earn a decent living. 54 00:04:25,004 --> 00:04:25,754 - Cobblers. 55 00:04:25,837 --> 00:04:28,379 - And look after that horse. 56 00:04:28,462 --> 00:04:31,546 (upbeat light music) 57 00:04:34,421 --> 00:04:37,421 (children shouting) 58 00:04:40,421 --> 00:04:43,004 (upbeat light music) 59 00:04:43,087 --> 00:04:45,337 (shouting) 60 00:04:54,337 --> 00:04:56,004 - Woohoo, stop. 61 00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:56,921 Up here! 62 00:04:58,337 --> 00:04:59,671 Woohoo, up here. 63 00:05:05,337 --> 00:05:06,671 Come on up. 64 00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:08,046 - In here, love? 65 00:05:09,629 --> 00:05:10,462 Right. 66 00:05:12,004 --> 00:05:15,087 (upbeat light music) 67 00:05:24,671 --> 00:05:28,671 (children shouting and playing) 68 00:05:30,087 --> 00:05:33,171 (upbeat light music) 69 00:05:45,129 --> 00:05:46,546 - For your horse. 70 00:05:47,504 --> 00:05:48,921 It's a carrot. 71 00:05:49,379 --> 00:05:50,671 Don't forget to give it to him, will you? 72 00:05:50,796 --> 00:05:53,921 And I'll have another one for him next week, bye-bye. 73 00:05:56,254 --> 00:06:00,254 Oh, would you mind posting these letters for me, please? 74 00:06:00,254 --> 00:06:01,254 Thank you. 75 00:06:02,504 --> 00:06:05,087 (door closing) 76 00:06:06,629 --> 00:06:09,712 (upbeat light music) 77 00:06:21,421 --> 00:06:24,254 (horse whinnying) 78 00:06:25,129 --> 00:06:27,421 - No no no, I'll take half. 79 00:06:27,504 --> 00:06:30,587 (upbeat light music) 80 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,921 - [Boy] Are you the rag and bone man? 81 00:06:38,004 --> 00:06:40,421 - No, I'm Aristotle Onassis. 82 00:06:40,504 --> 00:06:42,587 Missus over there getting a packet of fags. 83 00:06:42,671 --> 00:06:44,296 - My mum says if you want my dad's clothes 84 00:06:44,379 --> 00:06:45,671 you can come and get them. 85 00:06:47,296 --> 00:06:49,504 - Oh God, what floor? 86 00:06:49,587 --> 00:06:50,421 - In there. 87 00:06:50,462 --> 00:06:52,837 - Oh, that's all right then. 88 00:06:53,087 --> 00:06:53,962 Come on. 89 00:06:56,129 --> 00:07:00,129 (children shouting and playing) 90 00:07:03,171 --> 00:07:04,587 - He's here, Mum. 91 00:07:05,504 --> 00:07:06,337 - [Mum] Hello. 92 00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:11,462 - Good morning. 93 00:07:11,754 --> 00:07:13,462 (children shouting and playing) 94 00:07:13,546 --> 00:07:16,212 - I've seen you round here before, haven't I? 95 00:07:16,296 --> 00:07:19,004 - Yes, I do come round this way quite often. 96 00:07:19,087 --> 00:07:21,212 - Yeah, so I've noticed. 97 00:07:21,837 --> 00:07:23,337 - I believe you have some old clothes for me? 98 00:07:24,129 --> 00:07:26,087 - Yeah, come in. 99 00:07:26,171 --> 00:07:29,171 (children shouting) 100 00:07:33,379 --> 00:07:35,421 Come on, you lot. Get out. 101 00:07:35,462 --> 00:07:37,337 Get out. I've got business to do. 102 00:07:37,337 --> 00:07:39,837 I said out! Clear out. 103 00:07:40,337 --> 00:07:43,337 (footsteps running) 104 00:07:45,046 --> 00:07:47,879 Children are a bit of a trial, aren't they? 105 00:07:47,921 --> 00:07:49,171 - I don't know. I aint got any. 106 00:07:49,254 --> 00:07:49,754 - Oh. 107 00:07:49,796 --> 00:07:50,671 - I'm not married. 108 00:07:50,962 --> 00:07:54,296 - Oh, now then, where were we? 109 00:07:54,587 --> 00:07:55,629 - Clothes. 110 00:07:55,712 --> 00:07:57,546 - Oh yes, my husband's. 111 00:07:57,671 --> 00:07:58,421 - Don't he want them then? 112 00:07:58,462 --> 00:07:59,421 - No, he's dead. 113 00:07:59,462 --> 00:08:00,671 - Oh. 114 00:08:00,796 --> 00:08:02,462 I'm most terribly sorry. 115 00:08:02,462 --> 00:08:03,879 - I didn't know what to do with them, you see. 116 00:08:03,962 --> 00:08:06,296 I was gonna sling them out, and then I saw you out there. 117 00:08:06,421 --> 00:08:07,837 - I do pay the best prices. 118 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:11,504 - I thought to myself, poor man, he must be freezing. 119 00:08:11,546 --> 00:08:14,671 - It is a bit parky, but I'm used to it. 120 00:08:14,796 --> 00:08:17,796 - Parky? You're chilled to the bone. 121 00:08:17,796 --> 00:08:21,421 What you need is a stiff drink inside you. 122 00:08:21,462 --> 00:08:24,379 - I really better not. I should be getting along. 123 00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:25,296 - Would you mind? 124 00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:27,337 Now then, 125 00:08:29,171 --> 00:08:32,046 can you see anything you like? 126 00:08:33,462 --> 00:08:36,004 I know, a nice drop of brandy. 127 00:08:37,671 --> 00:08:39,129 Put them down anywhere. 128 00:08:45,296 --> 00:08:46,129 There. 129 00:08:48,671 --> 00:08:51,171 Well, by the side of you, 130 00:08:51,212 --> 00:08:53,129 and on the top of you, 131 00:08:53,171 --> 00:08:54,671 and underneath you. 132 00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,921 And right inside you. 133 00:08:59,921 --> 00:09:02,837 (glasses clinking) 134 00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:08,462 - Now about the clothes. 135 00:09:09,587 --> 00:09:11,296 - Oh, there's plenty of time for that. 136 00:09:11,296 --> 00:09:12,046 - There isn't. 137 00:09:12,087 --> 00:09:14,546 I've got the horse outside without the brake on. 138 00:09:15,046 --> 00:09:16,296 If I could just see the clothes. 139 00:09:16,379 --> 00:09:17,879 - Well all right then. 140 00:09:17,879 --> 00:09:20,254 They're just in here. 141 00:09:26,712 --> 00:09:28,337 (door closing) 142 00:09:28,337 --> 00:09:30,379 - No no, ma'am, I've gotta feed the horse. 143 00:09:30,462 --> 00:09:32,004 - Well he can have his oats later. 144 00:09:32,087 --> 00:09:33,254 Here they are. 145 00:09:34,379 --> 00:09:35,504 And, uh, 146 00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:39,754 you can take the lot. 147 00:09:42,046 --> 00:09:47,046 - Yes, it's very nice quality. I can take all of this. 148 00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,171 (crying) 149 00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:52,129 If it upsets you selling all his gear, I'll put it back. 150 00:09:52,129 --> 00:09:53,046 - No no. 151 00:09:53,171 --> 00:09:55,546 I want you to have them. 152 00:09:55,754 --> 00:09:58,837 It's just that it gets so lonely being a widow. 153 00:09:58,837 --> 00:09:59,671 - Does it? 154 00:10:01,421 --> 00:10:03,504 - It's the nights that are the worst. 155 00:10:03,587 --> 00:10:04,921 - Yeah, I'm sure. 156 00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,587 Hang on, it's only just lunchtime. 157 00:10:06,671 --> 00:10:09,129 - Please don't go. Stay with me. 158 00:10:09,212 --> 00:10:10,254 - I'm very flattered, madam, but-- 159 00:10:10,337 --> 00:10:11,629 - I need you company, see. 160 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,546 You've got such a kind face. 161 00:10:13,629 --> 00:10:15,462 My husband, he was such a brute. 162 00:10:15,546 --> 00:10:16,921 He used to beat me. 163 00:10:17,004 --> 00:10:17,754 - The swine. 164 00:10:17,837 --> 00:10:18,671 - Yes. 165 00:10:20,296 --> 00:10:22,921 (shouting) 166 00:10:23,004 --> 00:10:26,171 Stay with me. Stay with me just for a little. 167 00:10:26,254 --> 00:10:28,337 - The kids'll be here in a minute. 168 00:10:28,421 --> 00:10:30,046 (gasping) 169 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:30,962 Who's that? 170 00:10:30,962 --> 00:10:32,379 - Him. 171 00:10:32,712 --> 00:10:33,504 - He's dead. 172 00:10:33,587 --> 00:10:35,212 - Well I told you he was. 173 00:10:35,296 --> 00:10:37,171 - Yeah, but God blimey, not this morning! 174 00:10:37,254 --> 00:10:38,837 - No, yesterday. 175 00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:40,504 - That don't make it any better, do it? 176 00:10:40,504 --> 00:10:41,879 - He was a pig. 177 00:10:41,962 --> 00:10:45,921 - And you was willing to, in here, with me, 178 00:10:45,962 --> 00:10:46,837 while he was-- 179 00:10:48,129 --> 00:10:49,212 Okay, out of here. 180 00:10:49,296 --> 00:10:50,962 - No, hold on. 181 00:10:51,046 --> 00:10:53,629 Look, that's a good suit he's got on him. 182 00:10:53,712 --> 00:10:55,337 Won't take me a minute to get it off him. 183 00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:56,337 - You can't bury him naked. 184 00:10:56,421 --> 00:10:58,712 - No, I'll put one of the others on him. 185 00:10:58,796 --> 00:11:01,754 I mean, it's a shame to waste it. It come from Cecil G's. 186 00:11:02,546 --> 00:11:04,296 - I don't want it. 187 00:11:04,379 --> 00:11:06,212 I don't want none of them! 188 00:11:06,296 --> 00:11:10,379 Look, I'm a a rag and bone man. I'm not a poxy grave robber. 189 00:11:13,504 --> 00:11:14,337 - Oh. 190 00:11:19,129 --> 00:11:21,421 What are you bleeding grinning at? 191 00:11:26,962 --> 00:11:28,712 (groaning) 192 00:11:28,796 --> 00:11:31,587 (rooster crowing) 193 00:11:31,671 --> 00:11:34,171 (light music) 194 00:11:47,671 --> 00:11:50,587 (chickens clucking) 195 00:11:50,671 --> 00:11:53,171 (light music) 196 00:12:01,962 --> 00:12:04,712 (chicken squawking) 197 00:12:04,837 --> 00:12:07,337 (light music) 198 00:12:32,046 --> 00:12:34,087 (sniffing) 199 00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:36,671 (light music) 200 00:12:48,712 --> 00:12:49,546 - York? 201 00:12:51,046 --> 00:12:52,379 York? 202 00:12:52,421 --> 00:12:53,962 - York. 203 00:12:54,212 --> 00:12:55,046 Oh! 204 00:12:56,004 --> 00:12:58,421 - Who the hell do you think you are, Dick Turpin? 205 00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:01,587 Poor old stag. 206 00:13:01,671 --> 00:13:04,879 - That poor old stag. Never mind about poor Harold. 207 00:13:04,962 --> 00:13:06,546 Three solid days on the road. 208 00:13:06,629 --> 00:13:08,712 - You was driving. He was pulling. 209 00:13:08,796 --> 00:13:11,879 - Don't matter about me. Sleeping in fields, nothing to eat. 210 00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:13,379 - That's not my fault. 211 00:13:13,671 --> 00:13:15,129 I had your dinner ready. 212 00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:19,712 - A Bombay shiv would have left more on it than that. 213 00:13:19,712 --> 00:13:20,962 - I was hungry. 214 00:13:22,129 --> 00:13:24,671 - You just couldn't save me any, could you? 215 00:13:24,754 --> 00:13:27,504 - If that vet finds out that you've damaged that horse, 216 00:13:27,587 --> 00:13:28,712 I'm warning you. 217 00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:31,421 Walking him all that way. 218 00:13:31,504 --> 00:13:32,962 Must be close on 200 miles. 219 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,129 - What'd you expect me to do, 220 00:13:34,212 --> 00:13:36,296 put him in the car, pull him myself? 221 00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:37,879 - You coulda put him on the train. 222 00:13:37,921 --> 00:13:41,379 - Oh yes, intercity, first class. 223 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:44,796 Ooh, the horse would have liked that. 224 00:13:44,837 --> 00:13:47,754 Oh yes, sitting back there with his feet crossed. 225 00:13:48,004 --> 00:13:49,962 Doing the Times crossword. 226 00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:53,629 - I'm talking about, like, people put their cars on trains. 227 00:13:53,671 --> 00:13:55,712 - You're lucky it wasn't one of them French lorries. 228 00:13:55,796 --> 00:13:58,337 We might have ended up in Marseilles. 229 00:13:58,421 --> 00:13:59,337 I wish we had a done. 230 00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,754 I coulda flogged the horse to some restaurant owner, 231 00:14:01,837 --> 00:14:03,254 and stayed there. 232 00:14:03,337 --> 00:14:04,754 Ooh, all of that unmarried romper, 233 00:14:04,837 --> 00:14:08,254 lying on the beach, sizzling in the hot sun (laughs). 234 00:14:08,296 --> 00:14:12,046 Come on. Let's go see this precious pet of yours. 235 00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:14,837 - How is he, Doctor? 236 00:14:14,879 --> 00:14:16,837 - I've given him a thorough examination. 237 00:14:16,837 --> 00:14:18,796 There's no doubt about it. He's lame. 238 00:14:18,879 --> 00:14:20,587 I'm afraid he's strained his heart as well. 239 00:14:20,629 --> 00:14:22,629 - That's you, lad. You've ruined him. 240 00:14:22,712 --> 00:14:23,879 - I wouldn't say that. 241 00:14:23,962 --> 00:14:25,337 Providing he does nothing strenuous, there's not reason 242 00:14:25,421 --> 00:14:27,504 why he should live for several more years. 243 00:14:27,796 --> 00:14:30,337 Give him one of these, three times a day after meals. 244 00:14:30,629 --> 00:14:32,504 Plenty of rest, that's what he needs. 245 00:14:34,546 --> 00:14:35,379 My bill. 246 00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:40,712 My bill. 247 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:41,712 - Yeah. 248 00:14:41,796 --> 00:14:43,421 Oh, our accounts department will take care 249 00:14:43,421 --> 00:14:45,004 of that at the end of the month. 250 00:14:49,087 --> 00:14:51,421 - What's going to happen to him, Harold? 251 00:14:52,296 --> 00:14:54,504 - You know very well what's going to happen to him. 252 00:14:55,087 --> 00:14:56,296 Poor old Tibble. 253 00:14:57,546 --> 00:14:59,712 He'll have to be put down, I suppose. 254 00:15:00,254 --> 00:15:01,337 - Put down? 255 00:15:02,212 --> 00:15:03,046 - Yeah. 256 00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:08,504 Well, what else can we do? 257 00:15:08,546 --> 00:15:10,046 We gotta have a new horse, haven't we? 258 00:15:10,254 --> 00:15:12,296 Without any horse, we're knackered. 259 00:15:12,296 --> 00:15:15,837 We got nothing. We might as well be put down with him. 260 00:15:15,879 --> 00:15:17,796 Wallop, wallop, wallop! 261 00:15:19,837 --> 00:15:21,629 Well we've gotta be practical. 262 00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,337 - How much you gonna ask for him then? 263 00:15:23,379 --> 00:15:25,296 30 pieces of silver? 264 00:15:26,004 --> 00:15:28,962 Oh please, Harold, don't do it. 265 00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:33,046 After all he's meant to us, he deserves better than that. 266 00:15:33,921 --> 00:15:36,671 Every time I go into that supermarket and see 267 00:15:36,754 --> 00:15:41,421 all them stacks of tin dog food, I'll think of him. 268 00:15:42,796 --> 00:15:46,462 - Yeah, I never thought of it like that. 269 00:15:52,421 --> 00:15:54,254 (horse nickering) 270 00:15:54,337 --> 00:15:57,004 - He's going to live out his natural span. 271 00:15:57,046 --> 00:15:58,587 - [Harold] Oh don't get sloppy. 272 00:16:01,504 --> 00:16:02,337 - Goodbye, old son. 273 00:16:02,421 --> 00:16:05,171 I'll come and see you on the green lawn every week. 274 00:16:05,212 --> 00:16:07,046 - Sure you don't wanna move in with him? 275 00:16:07,337 --> 00:16:09,629 Oh come on, Dad, don't hang it out. 276 00:16:09,671 --> 00:16:11,962 - Cheerio. See you next week. 277 00:16:12,921 --> 00:16:14,254 Give him a pat, Harold. 278 00:16:15,629 --> 00:16:16,504 - Cheerio. 279 00:16:16,587 --> 00:16:19,087 (light music) 280 00:16:20,629 --> 00:16:23,129 (horse whinnying) 281 00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:26,212 Look, he's not too old for that, is he? 282 00:16:26,254 --> 00:16:27,254 (upbeat music) 283 00:16:27,296 --> 00:16:31,421 - Look at him. He'll be dead in a week. 284 00:16:31,671 --> 00:16:33,879 - I think he's going to be happy, Harold. 285 00:16:37,337 --> 00:16:40,171 (horse whinnying) 286 00:16:41,129 --> 00:16:43,379 (coughing) 287 00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:45,212 (muttering) 288 00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,546 (coughing) 289 00:16:50,754 --> 00:16:54,129 - I wish you'd stop smoking those horrible, stinking fags. 290 00:16:54,171 --> 00:16:56,754 You should be declared a one-man pollution area. 291 00:16:56,796 --> 00:16:59,129 - That's it. That's the lot. 292 00:16:59,171 --> 00:17:02,171 Me life savings, 89 pounds. 293 00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:06,296 - As much as that? Your life savings, 89 quid. 294 00:17:06,421 --> 00:17:10,754 That's about 22 bob a year. That is a remarkable growth. 295 00:17:10,837 --> 00:17:14,421 Here, you must tell me the name of your merchant bankers. 296 00:17:14,462 --> 00:17:16,129 Have you ever thought of going public? 297 00:17:16,129 --> 00:17:17,754 - It's better than a kick up the arse. 298 00:17:17,754 --> 00:17:20,129 - Which is exactly what I feel like giving you. 299 00:17:20,171 --> 00:17:22,754 - Nine pounds for emergencies, 300 00:17:22,796 --> 00:17:25,171 and 80 pounds for a new horse. 301 00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,546 We'll go down to Southall Market, but we're not giving it 302 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:30,254 away on a load of old rubbish. 303 00:17:30,587 --> 00:17:32,004 Ooh! 304 00:17:37,046 --> 00:17:40,712 - [Auctioneer] 74, 74, 74 pounds the bid. 305 00:17:40,796 --> 00:17:44,004 (crowd chattering) 306 00:17:44,087 --> 00:17:45,004 75, 75, 75, 307 00:17:46,254 --> 00:17:48,421 76, 76, 76 pounds the bid. 308 00:17:51,629 --> 00:17:53,379 At 77, 77, 77 pounds. 309 00:17:56,421 --> 00:17:58,962 - Young, strong, good legs. 310 00:17:58,962 --> 00:18:00,629 Nice big shoulders. 311 00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:02,129 - Look, I'm the one that has to drive it. 312 00:18:02,171 --> 00:18:02,962 I know what we want. 313 00:18:03,046 --> 00:18:04,837 - I'm only telling you. 314 00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:06,379 There's a good one over there. 315 00:18:06,462 --> 00:18:08,296 - Suppose you'd like to buy the bleeding thing. 316 00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:10,837 - [Albert] No, no, I'll leave it to you. 317 00:18:10,879 --> 00:18:12,462 - I'm not completely daft, you know. 318 00:18:12,546 --> 00:18:14,962 I don't know much, but I do know about horses. 319 00:18:15,046 --> 00:18:16,004 - I know you do. 320 00:18:16,046 --> 00:18:17,962 - Well just trust me for once in your life! 321 00:18:17,962 --> 00:18:19,587 - All right, all right. 322 00:18:19,587 --> 00:18:22,254 - I mean, God blimey, you still like to put my money 323 00:18:22,296 --> 00:18:23,962 down my glove when I go down the road 324 00:18:24,046 --> 00:18:25,837 to buy a bottle of Guinness for you. 325 00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:28,879 Look, all I gotta do is pick out a nice, clean animal, 326 00:18:28,921 --> 00:18:30,754 put the money down and bring it home. 327 00:18:30,837 --> 00:18:31,546 - I know. 328 00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:32,837 - There's hundreds of animals here. 329 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:33,629 We've got to have our pick. 330 00:18:33,629 --> 00:18:34,796 - I know you can. 331 00:18:34,837 --> 00:18:35,837 - Well then. 332 00:18:35,837 --> 00:18:38,171 - It's just important we buy the right one. 333 00:18:38,212 --> 00:18:41,296 - I know it is. That is what I'm saying. 334 00:18:42,129 --> 00:18:43,004 - All right then. 335 00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:43,837 - Right. 336 00:18:43,921 --> 00:18:44,754 - Right. 337 00:18:45,879 --> 00:18:47,046 (horse whinnying) 338 00:18:47,129 --> 00:18:48,254 There's a nice one over there. 339 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,212 - Why don't you mind your own business? 340 00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,004 I am not buying an animal with you here. 341 00:18:53,087 --> 00:18:55,546 Now go home. Hop it. 342 00:18:55,587 --> 00:18:57,379 Ooh, you irritate me. 343 00:18:57,421 --> 00:18:59,046 Go on, get off home. 344 00:18:59,212 --> 00:19:00,629 - I wanna stop here. 345 00:19:02,796 --> 00:19:05,546 - If you don't let me buy this horse on my own, 346 00:19:05,629 --> 00:19:07,212 I'm packing it in, I'm finished. 347 00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:08,421 Now I mean it. 348 00:19:09,129 --> 00:19:11,504 - There's a lotta twisters round here, Harold. 349 00:19:11,546 --> 00:19:12,379 - Go home! 350 00:19:14,796 --> 00:19:16,671 (horse whinnying) 351 00:19:16,754 --> 00:19:18,546 - There's a nice one over there. 352 00:19:18,629 --> 00:19:19,712 - Get out of here. 353 00:19:19,796 --> 00:19:21,587 Go on, go on, go on! 354 00:19:21,671 --> 00:19:23,004 Go on, out. 355 00:19:23,087 --> 00:19:24,421 - I wanna still be here. 356 00:19:24,504 --> 00:19:26,504 - Go on, get out. Go on! 357 00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:31,837 - [Auctioneer] 126,128. 358 00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:33,879 - Hi, Harold. 359 00:19:33,921 --> 00:19:36,337 - Hello, Frankie, how are you? 360 00:19:36,379 --> 00:19:39,546 - Fine. Are you looking for a new animal? 361 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:40,379 - Yeah. 362 00:19:41,546 --> 00:19:42,921 - Got just the one for you. 363 00:19:42,921 --> 00:19:44,296 - Yeah? 364 00:19:44,462 --> 00:19:46,796 Is it a bit (laughs)? 365 00:19:47,129 --> 00:19:50,337 (group laughing) 366 00:19:50,421 --> 00:19:55,254 ("God Save the Queen" instrumental music) 367 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:07,921 (television beeping) 368 00:20:11,629 --> 00:20:13,421 - Where the bleeding hell is he? 369 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,504 (Harold shouting) 370 00:20:16,004 --> 00:20:18,921 (items clattering) 371 00:20:25,629 --> 00:20:28,337 Harold, is that you, Harold? 372 00:20:28,337 --> 00:20:31,546 - Yes, yes, tis I, tis I. 373 00:20:31,712 --> 00:20:35,629 โ™ช Hello, little Daddy, barefoot days โ™ช 374 00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:37,462 โ™ช When we were just 16 โ™ช 375 00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,587 - You're drunk! 376 00:20:39,129 --> 00:20:40,504 - Yes, I'm drunk. 377 00:20:40,546 --> 00:20:43,671 In barefoot days, drunk with power and success 378 00:20:43,754 --> 00:20:46,337 in the barefoot days (laughs). 379 00:20:47,087 --> 00:20:48,754 - If you spent all that money on-- 380 00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:52,712 - Ah, ah, ah ah, fear not, little Dad. 381 00:20:52,796 --> 00:20:55,337 The family fortunes is intact. 382 00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,296 Meet Hercules the Second. 383 00:20:59,296 --> 00:21:01,796 (light music) 384 00:21:05,337 --> 00:21:08,087 (dog whining) 385 00:21:08,087 --> 00:21:09,629 - What's that? 386 00:21:09,712 --> 00:21:11,879 Greyhound! Oh my God! 387 00:21:11,921 --> 00:21:14,421 (light music) 388 00:21:16,796 --> 00:21:20,879 - A greyhound. A bleeding greyhound. 389 00:21:20,921 --> 00:21:22,504 - Ooh. 390 00:21:22,504 --> 00:21:24,337 Dad, please don't shout. 391 00:21:24,421 --> 00:21:26,046 - We want your head is examined. 392 00:21:26,129 --> 00:21:28,462 - I wish I could have it changed at the moment. 393 00:21:28,837 --> 00:21:30,254 Oh God, God, God. 394 00:21:32,671 --> 00:21:35,171 - How can he pull the cart? 395 00:21:35,254 --> 00:21:36,879 - Strangely enough, that is not the role 396 00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:37,921 I had in mind for him. 397 00:21:37,962 --> 00:21:41,754 Now, if you will sit down quietly, I will explain. 398 00:21:41,796 --> 00:21:43,629 - Don't bother, just tell me where you got him 399 00:21:43,671 --> 00:21:44,879 and I'll take him back. 400 00:21:44,962 --> 00:21:46,546 (kettle whistling) 401 00:21:46,629 --> 00:21:49,504 - Take it off, take it off. 402 00:21:49,587 --> 00:21:51,421 I bought him off of Frankie Barrow. 403 00:21:51,421 --> 00:21:52,879 - Frankie Barrow? 404 00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:54,754 The Godfather of Shepherd's Bush? 405 00:21:54,796 --> 00:21:57,171 - No he's not. He's straight now. 406 00:21:57,212 --> 00:21:58,796 - Don't give me that. 407 00:21:58,879 --> 00:22:02,046 He's got as many fiddles going as the London Philharmonic. 408 00:22:02,087 --> 00:22:05,296 Oh well, that's it then. We've had it. 409 00:22:05,546 --> 00:22:08,671 Surprised that dog even managed to walk round here. 410 00:22:08,754 --> 00:22:09,879 - There's nothing wrong with him. 411 00:22:10,879 --> 00:22:12,129 He's in perfect nick. 412 00:22:12,212 --> 00:22:14,587 - That's where I thought Frankie Barrow was. 413 00:22:14,671 --> 00:22:17,212 Oh, why did you do it, Harold? 414 00:22:17,296 --> 00:22:18,921 Our last 80 quid. 415 00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:19,837 - 80 quid? 416 00:22:19,921 --> 00:22:22,129 You don't think I'd pay 80 quick for a greyhound, do you? 417 00:22:22,129 --> 00:22:23,754 - Oh well that's something anyway. 418 00:22:23,754 --> 00:22:25,004 How much did you pay for him? 419 00:22:25,046 --> 00:22:25,796 - 200. 420 00:22:26,087 --> 00:22:26,962 - 200! 421 00:22:26,962 --> 00:22:29,629 - 200! 40 pound down, the rest at the end of the month! 422 00:22:29,712 --> 00:22:30,962 - 200! 423 00:22:31,379 --> 00:22:33,337 - He's a champion greyhound, Dad. 424 00:22:33,379 --> 00:22:35,546 We'll pick up more than that on the first race. 425 00:22:37,337 --> 00:22:39,337 Did I bring a bag home with me last night? 426 00:22:39,337 --> 00:22:41,962 - Oh God, not a woman as well. 427 00:22:42,212 --> 00:22:43,796 - A shopping bag. 428 00:22:43,837 --> 00:22:47,129 - Yeah, you left it here. 429 00:22:47,462 --> 00:22:50,129 - You should see his pedigree, Dad. 430 00:22:50,212 --> 00:22:51,837 Frankie Barrow showed it to me. 431 00:22:53,212 --> 00:22:54,837 He's descended from Mick the Miller. 432 00:22:54,921 --> 00:22:57,504 - I don't care if he's descended from Max Miller. 433 00:22:57,587 --> 00:22:58,921 You shouldn't have done it. 434 00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:01,421 We're right up the creek now. 435 00:23:04,046 --> 00:23:05,212 That's enough for me. 436 00:23:05,296 --> 00:23:06,962 How many are you having? 437 00:23:06,962 --> 00:23:09,546 - They're not for you. They're for him. 438 00:23:09,629 --> 00:23:11,546 That's his breakfast. 439 00:23:11,629 --> 00:23:12,837 - Six eggs? 440 00:23:12,879 --> 00:23:14,921 - And a pound of steak. 441 00:23:15,004 --> 00:23:16,504 - A pound of steak? 442 00:23:16,587 --> 00:23:18,587 - It's protein, see. 443 00:23:18,671 --> 00:23:22,296 Keeps him strong, makes him run faster. 444 00:23:22,337 --> 00:23:23,712 After a couple of races, 445 00:23:23,796 --> 00:23:26,337 we'll be eating like that ourselves. 446 00:23:26,421 --> 00:23:27,921 - You're my son! 447 00:23:28,004 --> 00:23:30,921 Here, you can't give a dog steak! 448 00:23:31,004 --> 00:23:32,462 - You put that down! You put that down! 449 00:23:32,546 --> 00:23:35,129 (dog growling) 450 00:23:38,004 --> 00:23:41,129 You don't buy a Rolls-Royce and run it on paraffin. 451 00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:42,171 - Give us a bit. 452 00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:43,004 - No! 453 00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:43,879 - He mightn't like it all. 454 00:23:43,962 --> 00:23:47,837 - Well if he leaves any, you could have a bit. 455 00:23:47,921 --> 00:23:50,087 - We can't afford to feed him like that every day. 456 00:23:50,171 --> 00:23:52,087 - We can't afford not to, Dad. 457 00:23:52,087 --> 00:23:54,046 That is not just an ordinary dog. 458 00:23:55,296 --> 00:23:57,712 That is our passport out of this dump, 459 00:23:57,712 --> 00:23:59,296 into Bierritz, for tea. 460 00:23:59,587 --> 00:24:02,879 - I could be doing with mine off the floor at the moment. 461 00:24:02,962 --> 00:24:04,796 Look at him. He's wolfed the lot. 462 00:24:04,879 --> 00:24:06,046 - Good, good, I mean, that shows there's 463 00:24:06,129 --> 00:24:07,962 nothing wrong with his appetite. 464 00:24:08,046 --> 00:24:09,671 - Oh, well, there's no time like the present. 465 00:24:09,754 --> 00:24:10,796 The sooner we get to racing him, 466 00:24:10,879 --> 00:24:12,754 the sooner we start that world cruise. 467 00:24:12,837 --> 00:24:14,462 I shall give him a trial. 468 00:24:14,546 --> 00:24:15,379 Tomorrow. 469 00:24:17,546 --> 00:24:21,212 - Ee! Harold! 470 00:24:21,712 --> 00:24:23,462 - What's the matter? 471 00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:25,462 - He's done it up me leg. 472 00:24:25,546 --> 00:24:27,837 - That's so's he'll know you again (laughs). 473 00:24:29,379 --> 00:24:30,837 It's just a friendly gesture. 474 00:24:30,879 --> 00:24:32,337 - Is it? 475 00:24:32,462 --> 00:24:34,879 Well he better watch out when I want to go. 476 00:24:34,962 --> 00:24:37,462 (light music) 477 00:24:45,629 --> 00:24:46,546 - Here they come. 478 00:24:46,629 --> 00:24:50,837 Oh, look at him. Oh, don't he look well trained? 479 00:24:50,921 --> 00:24:53,504 Oh, you can see that. 480 00:24:53,587 --> 00:24:56,462 Look, look, he's cool. Aint nervous at all. 481 00:24:56,546 --> 00:24:58,921 He's not worried, because they're born to it, you see. 482 00:24:59,004 --> 00:25:01,796 I mean, it's bred in them. It's genetics. 483 00:25:01,879 --> 00:25:04,254 Oh, cheer up. Come on, what's your... 484 00:25:04,337 --> 00:25:06,462 Hey, look at the old cheek. Look at it. 485 00:25:06,546 --> 00:25:08,671 And the bird's not bad neither. 486 00:25:08,754 --> 00:25:11,337 (dogs barking) 487 00:25:34,087 --> 00:25:36,837 (crowd cheering) 488 00:25:41,837 --> 00:25:44,337 (light music) 489 00:25:48,587 --> 00:25:50,837 (laughing) 490 00:25:50,921 --> 00:25:53,421 (light music) 491 00:25:56,796 --> 00:25:58,962 - I told you, he's a wanker. 492 00:25:59,004 --> 00:26:01,671 You'd buy anything, wouldn't you? 493 00:26:01,712 --> 00:26:04,962 If anybody ever tries to sell you a talking parrot, 494 00:26:04,962 --> 00:26:08,712 you better look for a tape recorder stuffed up its Khyber. 495 00:26:12,212 --> 00:26:13,546 - Oh, thank you. 496 00:26:13,712 --> 00:26:14,921 You can't win them all. 497 00:26:14,962 --> 00:26:16,296 - No, you can't. 498 00:26:22,837 --> 00:26:26,046 - Hello, Harold. Having a few teething troubles? 499 00:26:26,129 --> 00:26:27,379 - If I was 30 years younger, 500 00:26:27,462 --> 00:26:29,337 you'd be having some teething troubles. 501 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:30,712 You knew he wouldn't win. 502 00:26:30,796 --> 00:26:32,337 You give us back our money, you twist, 503 00:26:32,379 --> 00:26:34,129 or we'll have the law on you. 504 00:26:34,296 --> 00:26:36,421 - You shut your mouth, old man. 505 00:26:36,504 --> 00:26:37,254 - Leave this to me, Father. 506 00:26:37,337 --> 00:26:40,421 Look, Frankie, although my Pater has somewhat 507 00:26:40,504 --> 00:26:42,712 crudely overstated our case, I do feel 508 00:26:42,796 --> 00:26:45,212 that in the essence what he says is most valid. 509 00:26:45,296 --> 00:26:47,379 Namely that we've been ripped off. 510 00:26:47,462 --> 00:26:51,129 However, I am prepared, under the circumstances, 511 00:26:51,212 --> 00:26:55,796 to hand over the dog to you in return for our money back. 512 00:26:55,879 --> 00:26:59,004 And we'll say no more about it. How does that sound? 513 00:26:59,087 --> 00:27:00,087 - Very reasonable. 514 00:27:00,921 --> 00:27:02,421 I'll tell you what I'm prepared to do. 515 00:27:02,504 --> 00:27:03,421 - Yeah? 516 00:27:03,462 --> 00:27:04,337 - You keep the dog. - Yeah? 517 00:27:04,421 --> 00:27:07,379 - And I'll keep the money you already paid me. 518 00:27:07,462 --> 00:27:08,212 - Yeah. 519 00:27:08,296 --> 00:27:12,421 - And if the balance, i.e. 160 sheets, 520 00:27:12,504 --> 00:27:15,171 is not forthcoming by Saturday a week, 521 00:27:15,254 --> 00:27:18,754 me and my colleagues'll be around beating on your drum 522 00:27:18,962 --> 00:27:22,129 with the Wilkinsons freshly stropped, kck. 523 00:27:23,962 --> 00:27:25,087 How does that sound? 524 00:27:26,837 --> 00:27:27,671 - Very nasty. 525 00:27:29,129 --> 00:27:30,921 - Saturday a week, all right? 526 00:27:32,462 --> 00:27:33,296 Come, gentlemen. 527 00:27:36,421 --> 00:27:37,462 - Oh my God. 528 00:27:38,421 --> 00:27:39,462 Saturday a week. 529 00:27:40,504 --> 00:27:44,921 No horse, no income, dog that won't run. 530 00:27:45,379 --> 00:27:47,796 We can't do it, Harold. 531 00:27:47,879 --> 00:27:51,629 I'm frightened. I'm too old to be sliced up. 532 00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:53,421 - Oh, come on. 533 00:27:53,504 --> 00:27:55,962 Now look, no one's gonna slice you up. 534 00:27:56,004 --> 00:27:58,004 We'll get the money. 535 00:27:58,087 --> 00:28:00,254 Dumb me. We're trying it ourselves. 536 00:28:00,337 --> 00:28:02,171 All we gotta to do is to train it to run 537 00:28:02,254 --> 00:28:03,587 after a silly little rabbit. 538 00:28:03,671 --> 00:28:04,921 That can't be difficult. 539 00:28:05,004 --> 00:28:07,796 Just a little patience, that's all we need. 540 00:28:07,879 --> 00:28:10,962 (upbeat light music) 541 00:28:15,837 --> 00:28:18,171 - Come on. Ready, steady, go! 542 00:28:18,254 --> 00:28:21,337 (upbeat light music) 543 00:28:35,712 --> 00:28:37,962 (screaming) 544 00:28:38,046 --> 00:28:40,796 (glass smashing) 545 00:28:41,962 --> 00:28:45,046 (upbeat light music) 546 00:28:56,879 --> 00:28:59,171 (register opening) 547 00:28:59,212 --> 00:29:00,921 - Yeah, that's a nice bit of meat. 548 00:29:00,962 --> 00:29:03,546 Yeah, I like that cut. Show us. 549 00:29:07,504 --> 00:29:08,837 Yeah, very nice. 550 00:29:10,337 --> 00:29:11,087 How much? 551 00:29:11,171 --> 00:29:12,379 - Two pounds 50, sir. 552 00:29:14,254 --> 00:29:16,504 (sneezing) 553 00:29:19,129 --> 00:29:19,962 - Oh. 554 00:29:21,837 --> 00:29:22,796 Sorry about that. 555 00:29:23,629 --> 00:29:25,254 How much did you say? 556 00:29:25,337 --> 00:29:26,879 - Two pounds 50, sir. 557 00:29:26,962 --> 00:29:27,921 - I don't want it. 558 00:29:29,087 --> 00:29:30,796 - What do you mean you don't want it? 559 00:29:30,837 --> 00:29:32,254 - Can't afford it. 560 00:29:32,296 --> 00:29:34,046 Give us a half a pound of sausages. 561 00:29:36,587 --> 00:29:38,629 - You're not going to put that meat back, are you? 562 00:29:38,712 --> 00:29:40,629 He just coughed all over it. 563 00:29:40,712 --> 00:29:41,671 - Yes, I know, madam. 564 00:29:41,754 --> 00:29:42,504 - If you try to sell that, 565 00:29:42,587 --> 00:29:43,796 I shall report you to the health authorities. 566 00:29:43,879 --> 00:29:45,337 - I'll give you 35p. 567 00:29:46,337 --> 00:29:47,462 - 50. 568 00:29:47,587 --> 00:29:48,879 - 37 and a half. 569 00:29:57,837 --> 00:29:59,962 - Hope you enjoy it, sir. 570 00:29:59,962 --> 00:30:03,504 - Oh it's not for me. It's for the dog. 571 00:30:03,546 --> 00:30:05,046 Afternoon, ladies. 572 00:30:06,546 --> 00:30:08,879 (muttering) 573 00:30:10,754 --> 00:30:13,837 (upbeat light music) 574 00:30:20,712 --> 00:30:23,087 (dog barking) 575 00:30:23,171 --> 00:30:26,254 (upbeat light music) 576 00:30:28,796 --> 00:30:29,712 - Hercules? 577 00:30:29,796 --> 00:30:32,796 Hercules The Second, stop! Hercules! 578 00:30:34,087 --> 00:30:35,337 Stop, Hercules! 579 00:30:36,421 --> 00:30:37,921 Hercules! 580 00:30:38,004 --> 00:30:41,087 (upbeat light music) 581 00:30:48,879 --> 00:30:50,004 Hercules? 582 00:30:50,087 --> 00:30:53,171 (upbeat light music) 583 00:30:55,421 --> 00:30:58,004 (shouting) 584 00:30:58,087 --> 00:31:01,171 (upbeat light music) 585 00:31:04,296 --> 00:31:07,046 (wings flapping) 586 00:31:08,212 --> 00:31:10,712 (light music) 587 00:31:15,296 --> 00:31:16,129 Hercules! 588 00:31:19,337 --> 00:31:21,254 I've lost my dog. 589 00:31:21,337 --> 00:31:22,296 Hercules! 590 00:31:22,379 --> 00:31:24,879 (light music) 591 00:31:42,087 --> 00:31:44,171 (sniffing) 592 00:31:44,379 --> 00:31:47,587 (light music) 593 00:31:47,671 --> 00:31:51,171 Hercules, Hercules (cries). 594 00:31:51,254 --> 00:31:53,754 (light music) 595 00:31:59,587 --> 00:32:01,837 (slurping) 596 00:32:03,837 --> 00:32:06,171 - Your dinner's in the oven. 597 00:32:11,379 --> 00:32:13,879 What's the matter with you? 598 00:32:13,921 --> 00:32:15,254 - We've lost him. 599 00:32:15,337 --> 00:32:16,712 He's gone. 600 00:32:16,712 --> 00:32:17,921 - Who? 601 00:32:17,921 --> 00:32:21,587 - Hercules the Second. He's run away. 602 00:32:21,629 --> 00:32:24,629 I'm sorry, Dad. It's all over. 603 00:32:24,671 --> 00:32:27,796 - He's not gone. He's upstairs in bed having a kip. 604 00:32:28,004 --> 00:32:29,379 - Oh geez. 605 00:32:29,421 --> 00:32:32,837 - Came tearing in here like a blue-arse fly. 606 00:32:33,046 --> 00:32:35,837 Four o'clock this afternoon. 607 00:32:35,837 --> 00:32:37,046 - When? 608 00:32:37,129 --> 00:32:38,462 - Four o'clock. 609 00:32:38,629 --> 00:32:39,879 - He couldn't have done. 610 00:32:39,921 --> 00:32:41,921 He didn't run away till 10 till... 611 00:32:43,504 --> 00:32:45,129 Just a minute. 612 00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:46,546 How far is Eckham Park? 613 00:32:47,546 --> 00:32:48,712 - Five miles? 614 00:32:48,754 --> 00:32:51,254 - Five miles, in 10 minutes? 615 00:32:52,921 --> 00:32:54,712 He must have broken a world's record. 616 00:32:55,962 --> 00:32:58,337 He can run! Dad, he can run! 617 00:32:58,379 --> 00:33:00,212 I told you, he can run! 618 00:33:00,504 --> 00:33:02,171 All we've gotta do is teach him 619 00:33:02,212 --> 00:33:03,921 to come out of the trap, and we're in. 620 00:33:03,921 --> 00:33:05,796 He can run! He can run! 621 00:33:05,837 --> 00:33:08,921 (upbeat light music) 622 00:33:19,462 --> 00:33:21,796 (shouting) 623 00:33:21,879 --> 00:33:24,962 (upbeat light music) 624 00:33:31,587 --> 00:33:32,421 - Ready? 625 00:33:33,212 --> 00:33:34,504 Go. 626 00:33:34,671 --> 00:33:37,962 (upbeat light music) 627 00:33:38,254 --> 00:33:40,046 Come on, come on! 628 00:33:40,129 --> 00:33:42,796 Faster. Come on, come on. 629 00:33:42,879 --> 00:33:44,212 Move it, faster! 630 00:33:46,046 --> 00:33:47,046 Here you go! 631 00:33:48,087 --> 00:33:50,921 Go around again, go around again! 632 00:33:50,962 --> 00:33:53,046 You're too slow, too slow! 633 00:33:53,296 --> 00:33:55,337 It's supposed to be a rabbit, not a bleeding snail. 634 00:33:56,212 --> 00:34:00,379 Here you are now! Here you go again, off! 635 00:34:00,462 --> 00:34:03,379 (shouting angrily) 636 00:34:07,504 --> 00:34:08,546 Out! 637 00:34:08,587 --> 00:34:10,629 Out! Come on, will you come out? 638 00:34:10,629 --> 00:34:12,296 Please come out! 639 00:34:12,337 --> 00:34:13,879 Chase the rabbit. 640 00:34:16,837 --> 00:34:19,712 Chase the rabbit! Chase the rabbit! 641 00:34:19,796 --> 00:34:22,712 (shouting angrily) 642 00:34:30,337 --> 00:34:32,212 I don't understand it. 643 00:34:32,212 --> 00:34:34,296 All dogs chase things surely. 644 00:34:35,921 --> 00:34:37,171 We know he can run. 645 00:34:38,254 --> 00:34:40,337 Look, that is a rabbit. 646 00:34:40,462 --> 00:34:42,879 You're supposed to chase it. You're a dog. 647 00:34:43,129 --> 00:34:44,254 Let's go. 648 00:34:44,962 --> 00:34:45,796 Seize it. 649 00:34:47,337 --> 00:34:49,296 Over there, you daft pillock. 650 00:34:50,546 --> 00:34:52,379 What's the matter, you blind or something? 651 00:34:55,587 --> 00:34:57,046 That's it. 652 00:34:57,129 --> 00:34:58,712 I'll bet that's it. 653 00:35:01,546 --> 00:35:04,379 He can't see a bleeding thing. 654 00:35:04,504 --> 00:35:06,129 - Get those on you, here. 655 00:35:06,212 --> 00:35:09,004 Let me get your ears over. That's right. 656 00:35:09,087 --> 00:35:10,712 Now, how's that? 657 00:35:10,796 --> 00:35:11,712 (Harold growling) 658 00:35:11,712 --> 00:35:13,587 See anything? 659 00:35:14,087 --> 00:35:15,087 No. 660 00:35:15,129 --> 00:35:18,462 Oh, try another pair, shall we? 661 00:35:18,754 --> 00:35:20,087 Here, how about these ones? 662 00:35:20,129 --> 00:35:22,004 These are nice, they're gold. 663 00:35:22,046 --> 00:35:24,879 (Harold growling) 664 00:35:28,337 --> 00:35:31,962 How about these then? Oh, that's a lovely frame. 665 00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,837 Yeah, and it matches your coat. 666 00:35:33,879 --> 00:35:35,004 (Harold growling) 667 00:35:35,046 --> 00:35:36,379 (dog barking) 668 00:35:36,421 --> 00:35:37,671 - They're the ones! 669 00:35:37,712 --> 00:35:39,462 You'll be unbeatable! You can see! 670 00:35:39,462 --> 00:35:43,296 - They won't let him race wearing glasses. 671 00:35:43,337 --> 00:35:47,671 - Not glasses, contact lenses. 672 00:35:48,504 --> 00:35:49,337 - Ready? 673 00:35:50,212 --> 00:35:51,087 Go! 674 00:35:51,379 --> 00:35:54,462 (upbeat light music) 675 00:35:55,837 --> 00:35:57,004 Go, boy! 676 00:35:57,087 --> 00:35:59,379 He's got it, he's got it! 677 00:35:59,462 --> 00:36:01,129 He's about to do it! 678 00:36:04,171 --> 00:36:07,754 (bicycle crashing) 679 00:36:07,796 --> 00:36:10,712 If you ruined that dog, I'll murder you. 680 00:36:10,754 --> 00:36:13,629 (moaning) 681 00:36:13,796 --> 00:36:16,671 (crowd chattering) 682 00:36:21,837 --> 00:36:25,921 - There you are, mate. Converted for North Sea gas, that is. 683 00:36:27,837 --> 00:36:30,421 Three hundred and eighty quid on you, right on the nose. 684 00:36:30,504 --> 00:36:32,421 Eight to one. You rest now. 685 00:36:32,504 --> 00:36:34,504 Massage the wallets. Give them an airing. 686 00:36:34,587 --> 00:36:35,629 It's all beautiful stuff. 687 00:36:35,671 --> 00:36:37,712 From the consumer to the consu... 688 00:36:37,754 --> 00:36:40,546 Oh, sir, oh yes, how very elegant. 689 00:36:40,754 --> 00:36:42,421 Madame, that is the fashion, you see. 690 00:36:42,504 --> 00:36:43,421 Send the vent straight up the back. 691 00:36:43,504 --> 00:36:44,546 Have you seen the label? 692 00:36:44,629 --> 00:36:45,712 That's Seville Row, that is. 693 00:36:45,796 --> 00:36:48,046 As worn by John Mills in Ryan's Daughter. 694 00:36:48,129 --> 00:36:49,712 Beautiful fit, sir. 695 00:36:49,796 --> 00:36:54,379 Oh, lovely pair of wrist cutters, darling, 25p to you. 696 00:36:54,462 --> 00:36:57,546 Have a word with the old man inside. 697 00:36:57,587 --> 00:36:59,504 Oh, Miss, very elegant. 698 00:37:01,212 --> 00:37:02,337 - Just like me mum used to wear. 699 00:37:02,421 --> 00:37:04,671 - Oh (laughs). Would you like to try it on? 700 00:37:04,754 --> 00:37:06,046 - Don't mind, but where? 701 00:37:06,129 --> 00:37:07,462 - In the stable. 702 00:37:09,254 --> 00:37:11,379 - All right, come on. 703 00:37:11,462 --> 00:37:12,754 - You forgot. 704 00:37:12,837 --> 00:37:15,754 (crowd chattering) 705 00:37:19,337 --> 00:37:22,337 - [Albert] Harold, Harold! 706 00:37:22,754 --> 00:37:24,046 - I won't be a minute, darling. 707 00:37:24,087 --> 00:37:25,712 Just make yourself comfortable. 708 00:37:27,171 --> 00:37:30,087 (crowd chattering) 709 00:37:32,129 --> 00:37:34,046 Now, what do you want? 710 00:37:34,087 --> 00:37:37,129 - Bleeding locusts, they're buying the lot. 711 00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:38,296 - That's the idea. 712 00:37:38,296 --> 00:37:40,379 Ooh, you've done well there. 713 00:37:40,421 --> 00:37:41,921 You keep up the good work. 714 00:37:42,046 --> 00:37:43,837 - Harold, don't sell everything. 715 00:37:43,879 --> 00:37:46,254 This is our lot. We won't have anything left. 716 00:37:46,337 --> 00:37:48,296 - Not when that dog comes in at eight to one 717 00:37:48,379 --> 00:37:49,337 with this little lot on him. 718 00:37:49,421 --> 00:37:50,879 We'll have all new stuff. 719 00:37:50,962 --> 00:37:51,796 There you go, sir. 720 00:37:51,879 --> 00:37:54,546 That's it, keep on, genuine antiques. It's a fire sale. 721 00:37:54,629 --> 00:37:59,629 Don't sell the telly. It's a loaner. 722 00:37:59,754 --> 00:38:01,046 - Do you mind? That's mine. 723 00:38:01,129 --> 00:38:03,629 - All right, miserable old bastard. 724 00:38:03,712 --> 00:38:05,712 (screaming) 725 00:38:05,796 --> 00:38:08,962 - That was my tea, you silly old cow. 726 00:38:12,587 --> 00:38:14,837 (laughing) 727 00:38:16,379 --> 00:38:19,129 (dramatic music) 728 00:38:22,337 --> 00:38:25,254 (crowd chattering) 729 00:38:27,754 --> 00:38:30,504 (group shouting) 730 00:38:34,796 --> 00:38:37,212 - 80 pound to go on Hercules. 731 00:38:39,587 --> 00:38:40,754 - Was that on Hercules? 732 00:38:40,837 --> 00:38:41,587 - Yeah. 733 00:38:41,671 --> 00:38:42,754 - They're betting on him. They're betting on him! 734 00:38:42,837 --> 00:38:45,212 - No, don't bet it all. 735 00:38:45,296 --> 00:38:47,421 Pay Frankie Barrow his hundred and 60. 736 00:38:47,504 --> 00:38:49,254 - No, let's do the lot, sick old bastard. 737 00:38:49,337 --> 00:38:50,546 2,400 pound. 738 00:38:50,629 --> 00:38:53,046 Pay back with our winnings. 2,400 quid. 739 00:38:53,129 --> 00:38:54,629 - What if we lose it? 740 00:38:54,712 --> 00:38:57,337 - 2,000 pound to win, number one. 741 00:38:57,421 --> 00:39:00,171 (crowd chattering) 742 00:39:00,254 --> 00:39:02,379 23, two and five, my lucky number. 743 00:39:03,796 --> 00:39:07,796 (crowd chattering and shouting) 744 00:39:16,004 --> 00:39:18,087 Excuse me, mate, make way for an owner. 745 00:39:18,171 --> 00:39:20,171 Excuse me, I'm an owner. 746 00:39:21,837 --> 00:39:24,421 This is it, Dad. This is it. 747 00:39:24,504 --> 00:39:26,546 - [Barker] I'll take six to five. 748 00:39:26,629 --> 00:39:27,629 Six to five. 749 00:39:29,587 --> 00:39:30,879 - You're like a baby with that. 750 00:39:30,962 --> 00:39:33,296 You don't need it. Just pull it out. 751 00:39:33,379 --> 00:39:35,546 - But I'm nervous, Harold. 752 00:39:36,421 --> 00:39:39,004 (dogs barking) 753 00:39:46,879 --> 00:39:49,462 (bell ringing) 754 00:39:52,212 --> 00:39:54,962 (crowd cheering) 755 00:40:24,087 --> 00:40:26,587 (dog whining) 756 00:40:36,129 --> 00:40:38,254 - I think he wanted a cigarette. 757 00:40:43,962 --> 00:40:46,462 (light music) 758 00:40:48,671 --> 00:40:49,629 - Bad luck, Harold. 759 00:40:50,712 --> 00:40:53,796 My friends and I'll be coming round in three days. 760 00:40:55,712 --> 00:40:57,671 (tyres squealing) 761 00:40:57,754 --> 00:41:00,254 (engine racing) 762 00:41:00,254 --> 00:41:01,879 - And when they come round, 763 00:41:02,296 --> 00:41:05,004 we won't be coming round for three weeks. 764 00:41:06,587 --> 00:41:09,087 (light music) 765 00:41:16,962 --> 00:41:19,337 - I knew no good'd come of it. 766 00:41:19,421 --> 00:41:22,421 You and your get rich quick schemes. 767 00:41:22,504 --> 00:41:24,504 They never work, and they never will. 768 00:41:24,587 --> 00:41:25,421 And do you know why? 769 00:41:25,504 --> 00:41:26,754 - No, why? 770 00:41:26,837 --> 00:41:28,379 - Because the only way to get on in this world 771 00:41:28,462 --> 00:41:30,254 is by hard work, and that's something 772 00:41:30,337 --> 00:41:31,629 you're not prepared to do. 773 00:41:31,712 --> 00:41:32,754 - Not prepared to do? 774 00:41:32,837 --> 00:41:35,087 I've worked my knackers off, 775 00:41:35,171 --> 00:41:36,754 ever since the day I left school! 776 00:41:36,837 --> 00:41:41,587 14 hours a day, seven days a year, 52 weeks of the year. 777 00:41:41,629 --> 00:41:42,712 And for what? 778 00:41:43,837 --> 00:41:46,337 243 quid I'm minus. 779 00:41:49,587 --> 00:41:52,129 And 36 stitches to come. 780 00:41:52,212 --> 00:41:53,337 - We would have been all right if you hadn't 781 00:41:53,421 --> 00:41:55,504 put it all on that daft dog. 782 00:41:55,587 --> 00:41:57,879 He's as useless are you are. 783 00:41:57,962 --> 00:42:00,587 Hard work, that's the only way to make money. 784 00:42:00,671 --> 00:42:01,587 - Cobblers. 785 00:42:02,462 --> 00:42:04,837 You don't think all them rich Herberts up in the city 786 00:42:04,921 --> 00:42:06,921 made all their millions out of hard work, do you? 787 00:42:07,004 --> 00:42:09,212 No, brains, mate, they use their brains. 788 00:42:09,296 --> 00:42:11,504 - Oh, well that lets you out. 789 00:42:11,587 --> 00:42:12,629 You can't use what you aint got. 790 00:42:12,712 --> 00:42:15,462 - I'll give you something I've got in a minute. 791 00:42:15,546 --> 00:42:17,296 - You wouldn't dare. 792 00:42:20,837 --> 00:42:22,712 Go on, hit me. 793 00:42:22,754 --> 00:42:24,421 It wouldn't be the first time. 794 00:42:24,504 --> 00:42:26,129 That's what the world's come to, 795 00:42:26,212 --> 00:42:28,587 a son striking his father. 796 00:42:31,004 --> 00:42:32,712 I'm only glad your mother's not here. 797 00:42:32,754 --> 00:42:33,796 - I'll be you are. 798 00:42:33,796 --> 00:42:35,754 You woulda got one from her as well. 799 00:42:35,754 --> 00:42:40,754 Yes, it's all right, I'm coming (clicks tongue). 800 00:42:41,837 --> 00:42:43,879 - You don't give a goldfish birdseed. 801 00:42:43,962 --> 00:42:47,087 - That's all we got. It's either that or nothing. 802 00:42:47,254 --> 00:42:50,796 Besides, we might make a fortune out of him. 803 00:42:50,879 --> 00:42:52,754 Charlie, the musical goldfish. 804 00:42:54,046 --> 00:42:56,587 You've always had money way before. 805 00:42:57,337 --> 00:43:00,087 You sure you haven't forgotten anywhere? 806 00:43:00,087 --> 00:43:02,546 - There isn't any, Harold, I swear. 807 00:43:03,004 --> 00:43:05,337 (screaming) 808 00:43:11,921 --> 00:43:13,712 There's nothing there, Harold. 809 00:43:15,587 --> 00:43:17,421 - You've got such a bloody awful memory. 810 00:43:17,462 --> 00:43:18,921 Three years ago, I found 40 quid 811 00:43:19,004 --> 00:43:21,087 stuffed on the bear's ankle. 812 00:43:21,171 --> 00:43:22,421 You forgot they were there. 813 00:43:22,504 --> 00:43:25,962 - Believe me, Harold, I don't have a penny left. 814 00:43:25,962 --> 00:43:29,171 You've had it all, every copper coin. 815 00:43:29,254 --> 00:43:30,712 It's all gone. 816 00:43:30,712 --> 00:43:33,254 (groaning) 817 00:43:33,504 --> 00:43:34,337 Harold. 818 00:43:40,171 --> 00:43:43,212 Harold, I tell you, it's hopeless. 819 00:43:43,296 --> 00:43:46,754 I've nothing left in the world, except me insurance policy. 820 00:43:46,837 --> 00:43:50,212 - Oh, God, what have I put my hand in. 821 00:43:54,504 --> 00:43:55,754 What policy? 822 00:43:55,837 --> 00:43:57,754 - Oh, didn't I tell you? 823 00:43:57,754 --> 00:44:00,962 It was one your mother made me take out when we got married. 824 00:44:01,046 --> 00:44:04,212 1,000 quid, in case I snuffed it and left her with nothing. 825 00:44:04,296 --> 00:44:07,712 She was always like that, greedy. 826 00:44:07,796 --> 00:44:09,046 God rest her soul. 827 00:44:10,546 --> 00:44:11,671 Funny, isn't it? 828 00:44:11,712 --> 00:44:14,337 After all these years of working, scrimping and scraping, 829 00:44:14,337 --> 00:44:17,462 here I am, worth more dead than alive. 830 00:44:19,629 --> 00:44:22,129 (light music) 831 00:44:25,421 --> 00:44:27,587 What are you looking at me like that for? 832 00:44:27,587 --> 00:44:29,129 - Yes, you are, aren't you? 833 00:44:29,171 --> 00:44:29,962 - What? 834 00:44:30,046 --> 00:44:31,754 - Worth more dead than alive. 835 00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:33,921 - Harold. 836 00:44:35,421 --> 00:44:36,504 Harold. 837 00:44:36,587 --> 00:44:37,337 - I never realised. 838 00:44:37,421 --> 00:44:40,254 (screaming) 839 00:44:40,337 --> 00:44:43,754 (light mysterious music) 840 00:44:47,837 --> 00:44:49,504 - Keep away from me. 841 00:44:50,754 --> 00:44:51,587 Harold. 842 00:44:52,337 --> 00:44:53,171 Harold. 843 00:44:53,921 --> 00:44:55,546 Don't be silly, Harold. 844 00:44:55,587 --> 00:44:58,462 - Of course, that's the answer. 845 00:44:58,587 --> 00:45:01,046 - I'll get a job. We'll do all right. 846 00:45:01,296 --> 00:45:03,629 I'll give up smoking. I won't cost much. 847 00:45:03,712 --> 00:45:06,921 I don't mind birdseed. I'll get used to it. 848 00:45:07,046 --> 00:45:08,629 - You've got to die, Dad. 849 00:45:08,712 --> 00:45:09,962 - You'll never get away it. You're mad. 850 00:45:10,046 --> 00:45:12,171 You can't do it. I'm your father! 851 00:45:12,379 --> 00:45:14,629 - 1,000 quid, plus profits. 852 00:45:15,921 --> 00:45:18,379 Got to be with profits. It is with profits, isn't it? 853 00:45:24,171 --> 00:45:25,087 Are you all right? 854 00:45:25,129 --> 00:45:27,129 Here, come and sit down. 855 00:45:32,087 --> 00:45:34,796 - Don't kill me, Harold, Please, don't kill me. 856 00:45:34,879 --> 00:45:37,337 Put me in a home, do what you like, but don't kill me. 857 00:45:37,379 --> 00:45:39,671 - What are you talking about? I'm not going to kill you. 858 00:45:40,046 --> 00:45:41,754 - You said, you said-- 859 00:45:41,837 --> 00:45:45,129 - Come on, Dad, what sort of bloke do you think I am? 860 00:45:45,129 --> 00:45:47,421 I just said you've got to die. 861 00:45:47,587 --> 00:45:50,546 I don't mean really die. 862 00:45:50,546 --> 00:45:52,587 We gotta pretend you're dead. 863 00:45:52,629 --> 00:45:54,421 - You can't do that, Harold. 864 00:45:54,462 --> 00:45:57,421 You can't pretend you're dead. It's against the law. 865 00:45:57,421 --> 00:46:00,087 And cheating the insurance company, that's even worse. 866 00:46:00,129 --> 00:46:03,254 - You're not cheating them. You're entitled to it. 867 00:46:03,254 --> 00:46:07,337 You'll just be getting it a little bit earlier, that's all. 868 00:46:07,462 --> 00:46:10,671 That's basic. You aint got long to go, have you? 869 00:46:10,796 --> 00:46:12,254 It's no good to you when you're dead. 870 00:46:12,379 --> 00:46:13,962 - It'll go to you, Harold. 871 00:46:13,962 --> 00:46:16,796 - Well there you are then. It's mine, and I want it now. 872 00:46:16,837 --> 00:46:18,671 We're in debt up to our ear holes, 873 00:46:18,671 --> 00:46:20,754 and we won't have any ear holes left after Saturday. 874 00:46:20,921 --> 00:46:24,421 We need money, lots of it, so you've got to die. 875 00:46:25,546 --> 00:46:26,796 - It'd never work. 876 00:46:28,379 --> 00:46:29,879 - Give me one good reason why not. 877 00:46:29,962 --> 00:46:33,087 - I can't just disappear and you say I'm dead. 878 00:46:33,171 --> 00:46:35,004 They wouldn't stand for that. 879 00:46:35,087 --> 00:46:36,712 You've got to have a death certificate. 880 00:46:36,796 --> 00:46:38,129 - Yeah, I know, I know. 881 00:46:39,004 --> 00:46:40,087 - And to have a death certificate, 882 00:46:40,129 --> 00:46:41,879 you've got to have a body. 883 00:46:42,462 --> 00:46:45,171 That's the law. Habeas corpus. 884 00:46:45,254 --> 00:46:48,171 (mysterious music) 885 00:46:53,421 --> 00:46:55,129 - Come here. 886 00:46:55,212 --> 00:46:56,046 Come here. 887 00:46:58,212 --> 00:47:01,337 - Get out of it. It's not even like me. 888 00:47:01,587 --> 00:47:02,921 - It will be. 889 00:47:02,921 --> 00:47:04,171 It will be. 890 00:47:04,504 --> 00:47:07,171 (phone ringing) 891 00:47:09,212 --> 00:47:11,879 (phone beeping) 892 00:47:12,712 --> 00:47:14,671 - Hello, Fred. It's Harold. 893 00:47:14,837 --> 00:47:15,754 - [Fred] Who? 894 00:47:15,837 --> 00:47:17,087 - Harold Steptoe. 895 00:47:17,129 --> 00:47:19,754 Listen, Fred, does old Dr. Popplewell still drink with you? 896 00:47:19,754 --> 00:47:22,046 - I'd close if he didn't. 897 00:47:22,087 --> 00:47:23,296 - Is he there now? 898 00:47:23,379 --> 00:47:24,587 - Yeah, he's here now. 899 00:47:26,379 --> 00:47:28,504 - Could you ask him to come to the phone? 900 00:47:28,546 --> 00:47:30,587 - [Fred] I could ask him, but he'd never make it. 901 00:47:30,629 --> 00:47:31,962 - Can't you carry him over? 902 00:47:31,962 --> 00:47:32,879 - [Fred] Hang on. 903 00:47:32,962 --> 00:47:33,712 - Thanks. 904 00:47:33,796 --> 00:47:37,462 - Dr. Popplewell, the drunk? The one that delivered you? 905 00:47:37,462 --> 00:47:39,046 He's not still doctoring, is he? 906 00:47:39,046 --> 00:47:41,004 - Yeah, he always said he'd work till he fell done. 907 00:47:41,212 --> 00:47:43,254 - He's always falling down, isn't he? 908 00:47:43,337 --> 00:47:44,796 - Exactly. 909 00:47:44,962 --> 00:47:47,296 And he's got the worst eyesight I've ever seen. 910 00:47:47,921 --> 00:47:50,421 - Yeah, that's right. 911 00:47:50,754 --> 00:47:53,629 He wears them great, big, thick pebble glasses. 912 00:47:53,671 --> 00:47:57,296 - Ah, I don't think he can see as far as the lens. 913 00:47:57,379 --> 00:47:59,379 - [Doctor] You wanted the services of a physician? 914 00:47:59,462 --> 00:48:01,379 - Hello, Dr. Popplewell? 915 00:48:01,462 --> 00:48:02,546 - [Doctor] This is he. 916 00:48:02,629 --> 00:48:03,421 - You're pissed as a fart. 917 00:48:03,504 --> 00:48:07,004 - Oh, that's most kind, a large gin and tonic. 918 00:48:07,087 --> 00:48:08,962 - Doctor, could you call round? 919 00:48:09,046 --> 00:48:10,754 It's my father. He's collapsed. 920 00:48:10,879 --> 00:48:12,296 I think it's his heart. 921 00:48:12,379 --> 00:48:13,296 - [Doctor] His cart? 922 00:48:13,379 --> 00:48:14,587 - No no, his heart. 923 00:48:14,671 --> 00:48:15,462 - [Doctor] What's the address? 924 00:48:15,546 --> 00:48:18,837 - 26A Oil Drum Lane. 925 00:48:19,129 --> 00:48:22,212 - [Doctor] 26 Oil Drum Lane. 926 00:48:22,212 --> 00:48:23,421 - When can you come round? 927 00:48:23,546 --> 00:48:24,379 - [Doctor] Sometime tonight. 928 00:48:24,462 --> 00:48:25,546 - I see. 929 00:48:26,462 --> 00:48:28,587 - [Doctor] Do you think he'll last till closing time? 930 00:48:28,671 --> 00:48:30,379 - What time do they close then? 931 00:48:30,462 --> 00:48:33,504 - [Doctor] Same time they've always bloody well closed. 932 00:48:33,587 --> 00:48:35,379 I'll be round as soon as I can. 933 00:48:35,462 --> 00:48:36,671 - Thank you, Doctor. 934 00:48:38,421 --> 00:48:41,712 Dad, I think your habeas is just about 935 00:48:41,796 --> 00:48:44,671 to become very corpeus. 936 00:48:44,837 --> 00:48:47,921 (upbeat light music) 937 00:48:53,212 --> 00:48:54,129 - On your back! 938 00:48:57,171 --> 00:48:58,546 - Mind it for a minute there. 939 00:48:58,629 --> 00:49:00,046 - It'll come off. 940 00:49:02,004 --> 00:49:04,046 Ah yes, very death-like. 941 00:49:04,129 --> 00:49:06,587 - No joints in it. I can't bend me legs. 942 00:49:06,671 --> 00:49:08,587 - I don't want you to bend your legs. 943 00:49:08,671 --> 00:49:10,921 You're not supposed to be moving. You're dead. 944 00:49:12,296 --> 00:49:14,171 - Here! - What? 945 00:49:14,254 --> 00:49:17,462 - It hasn't got any what's-its. 946 00:49:17,879 --> 00:49:18,754 - Well you've had a heart attack. 947 00:49:18,796 --> 00:49:20,546 He won't be looking at your what's-its. 948 00:49:20,546 --> 00:49:22,921 He won't notice when we get your clothes on. 949 00:49:22,962 --> 00:49:24,337 It will have your covers on it. 950 00:49:24,587 --> 00:49:26,171 Shut your eyes, hold your breath. 951 00:49:27,671 --> 00:49:30,337 Perfect, not a movement. 952 00:49:30,504 --> 00:49:32,837 That'd fool Dr. Barnard, that would. 953 00:49:32,921 --> 00:49:34,087 I think it's going to work. 954 00:49:34,171 --> 00:49:36,046 (sneezing) 955 00:49:36,129 --> 00:49:37,837 If you do that when the doctor's here, 956 00:49:37,921 --> 00:49:39,837 you won't be pretending you're dead. 957 00:49:42,504 --> 00:49:44,837 (shrieking) 958 00:49:48,421 --> 00:49:51,004 (car crashing) 959 00:49:52,712 --> 00:49:53,504 He's here. 960 00:49:53,587 --> 00:49:56,337 (engine revving) 961 00:49:59,837 --> 00:50:02,504 (car crashing) 962 00:50:02,587 --> 00:50:05,087 (light music) 963 00:50:24,212 --> 00:50:26,337 Oh, doctor, you arrived. 964 00:50:26,421 --> 00:50:27,379 - Hello. 965 00:50:27,462 --> 00:50:29,629 It's a long time since I've been to this house. 966 00:50:29,712 --> 00:50:31,921 I had a spot of bother parking the car. 967 00:50:32,004 --> 00:50:34,587 - Yes, I heard. But don't worry. 968 00:50:34,671 --> 00:50:35,921 It's all right. 969 00:50:37,712 --> 00:50:39,421 - What's wrong with you? 970 00:50:39,504 --> 00:50:41,754 - It's not me. It's my father. 971 00:50:41,837 --> 00:50:42,962 - Your father? 972 00:50:43,046 --> 00:50:44,754 Is he still alive? 973 00:50:44,837 --> 00:50:46,046 - I'm not sure. 974 00:50:46,921 --> 00:50:48,796 - Well, we shall see. Where is he? 975 00:50:48,879 --> 00:50:49,796 - Upstairs. 976 00:50:51,296 --> 00:50:52,962 - Upstairs. Oh dear. 977 00:50:55,087 --> 00:50:55,921 Well. 978 00:51:00,171 --> 00:51:01,421 - Ah ah ah. No. 979 00:51:03,546 --> 00:51:06,546 - Oh, there it is, there it is. 980 00:51:06,629 --> 00:51:08,962 (muttering) 981 00:51:09,962 --> 00:51:11,129 - There we go. 982 00:51:23,712 --> 00:51:24,796 (gasping) 983 00:51:24,879 --> 00:51:25,921 You all right? 984 00:51:27,212 --> 00:51:28,837 - Can you see an animal in here? 985 00:51:29,921 --> 00:51:32,129 A large rat with a number on its back. 986 00:51:33,462 --> 00:51:35,796 - Oh, that's our greyhound. 987 00:51:35,879 --> 00:51:39,212 - Oh, thanks be to God for that. 988 00:51:39,296 --> 00:51:40,087 - No. 989 00:51:40,171 --> 00:51:41,004 - What? 990 00:51:43,379 --> 00:51:44,212 Oh. 991 00:51:46,254 --> 00:51:47,712 Oh, it's him. 992 00:51:49,254 --> 00:51:50,254 What's his name? 993 00:51:50,337 --> 00:51:51,087 - Steptoe. 994 00:51:51,171 --> 00:51:52,296 - Yeah, that's the one. 995 00:51:53,337 --> 00:51:54,212 The heart, you said. 996 00:51:54,296 --> 00:51:56,796 - Yes, he always had a weak heart. 997 00:51:56,879 --> 00:51:58,796 - You better get the brandy up here right away. 998 00:51:58,879 --> 00:51:59,712 - Right. 999 00:52:01,921 --> 00:52:03,462 - Oh, there we go. 1000 00:52:12,712 --> 00:52:13,546 Thank you. 1001 00:52:18,379 --> 00:52:19,212 Cheers. 1002 00:52:21,671 --> 00:52:23,046 Now, when did this happen? 1003 00:52:23,129 --> 00:52:25,004 - About two hours ago. 1004 00:52:25,087 --> 00:52:26,046 - Pardon. 1005 00:52:26,129 --> 00:52:29,462 - About, about two hours ago. 1006 00:52:29,546 --> 00:52:31,254 He was saying he wasn't feeling very well. 1007 00:52:31,337 --> 00:52:33,671 Then, suddenly, he collapsed, clutching his heart. 1008 00:52:33,754 --> 00:52:35,296 And he said, oh my heart. 1009 00:52:36,171 --> 00:52:37,796 - It sounds like his heart to me. 1010 00:52:41,962 --> 00:52:44,212 - Would you like to have a drink? 1011 00:52:44,296 --> 00:52:45,129 - Pardon. 1012 00:52:46,379 --> 00:52:47,921 - Have a drink? 1013 00:52:48,004 --> 00:52:49,337 - Oh, thank you. 1014 00:52:58,337 --> 00:53:00,296 There's no pulse. 1015 00:53:00,379 --> 00:53:02,546 - Oh my God, he's gone. He's dead! 1016 00:53:02,629 --> 00:53:04,046 Oh no, what happened? 1017 00:53:04,129 --> 00:53:06,546 - Quick, open his coat and shirt. 1018 00:53:07,587 --> 00:53:08,421 Quick! 1019 00:53:09,837 --> 00:53:10,796 Coat and shirt. 1020 00:53:19,254 --> 00:53:20,462 Did he move that time? 1021 00:53:21,296 --> 00:53:22,754 - I don't think so. 1022 00:53:22,837 --> 00:53:24,254 - I could've sworn he moved. 1023 00:53:25,254 --> 00:53:26,504 - He can't moved. 1024 00:53:26,587 --> 00:53:27,587 He's dead. 1025 00:53:27,671 --> 00:53:29,462 - Well, not necessarily. 1026 00:53:29,546 --> 00:53:31,796 - Perhaps the bed, not very steady. 1027 00:53:31,879 --> 00:53:33,712 - We may still be in time. 1028 00:53:36,712 --> 00:53:38,462 He's as stiff as a board. 1029 00:53:38,546 --> 00:53:41,754 I've never known rigour mortis to set in so quickly. 1030 00:53:41,837 --> 00:53:44,421 (button popping) 1031 00:53:44,504 --> 00:53:47,879 I don't think his ribs'll stand up to much more of that. 1032 00:53:48,921 --> 00:53:50,296 This is a hopeless case. 1033 00:53:51,212 --> 00:53:53,879 I'm afraid you better prepare yourself for a nasty shock. 1034 00:53:53,962 --> 00:53:54,712 - You don't mean? 1035 00:53:54,796 --> 00:53:57,546 - Yes, I'm afraid he's dead. 1036 00:53:57,629 --> 00:53:59,546 - No no no, he mustn't. 1037 00:53:59,629 --> 00:54:01,379 - Be a brave lad. It comes to us all. 1038 00:54:01,462 --> 00:54:04,837 - But, Daddy, Daddy, please. Don't leave me, Daddy. 1039 00:54:04,921 --> 00:54:07,004 (crying) 1040 00:54:09,712 --> 00:54:12,796 Surely there must be something you can do. 1041 00:54:12,879 --> 00:54:14,921 - Well I can't think of anything offhand. 1042 00:54:16,129 --> 00:54:18,087 You know sometimes, they cut them open 1043 00:54:18,171 --> 00:54:20,921 and they try a little massage with the heart. 1044 00:54:21,004 --> 00:54:22,546 But that wouldn't help here. 1045 00:54:22,629 --> 00:54:24,921 It's too late. You see, he's solid. 1046 00:54:25,004 --> 00:54:26,587 (knocking on wood) 1047 00:54:26,671 --> 00:54:28,504 Stone dead. 1048 00:54:28,587 --> 00:54:31,212 But, it's strange. 1049 00:54:31,296 --> 00:54:32,212 Most odd. 1050 00:54:36,337 --> 00:54:37,296 - What? 1051 00:54:37,379 --> 00:54:39,254 He was an old man. He had a weak heart. 1052 00:54:39,337 --> 00:54:40,879 It was bound to happen sooner or later. 1053 00:54:40,962 --> 00:54:43,004 There's nothing odd about it. 1054 00:54:43,087 --> 00:54:44,087 - I suppose so. 1055 00:54:45,004 --> 00:54:47,421 - I'm surprised he's lasted as long as he has (cries). 1056 00:54:48,421 --> 00:54:51,754 - Oh, now, I suppose I better write out 1057 00:54:51,837 --> 00:54:54,962 the birth certificate, the death certificate. 1058 00:54:55,046 --> 00:54:55,879 - Yes please. 1059 00:54:56,754 --> 00:54:58,004 If you wouldn't mind. 1060 00:55:00,546 --> 00:55:01,962 - Why, thank you. 1061 00:55:02,796 --> 00:55:06,296 - Albert Ladysmith Steptoe. 1062 00:55:07,254 --> 00:55:08,379 Heart failure. 1063 00:55:11,254 --> 00:55:13,879 - There's something odd, you know. I mean, that body. 1064 00:55:16,296 --> 00:55:17,837 Did you notice something? 1065 00:55:17,921 --> 00:55:20,796 - No, I didn't. Someone was wrong with his head. 1066 00:55:20,879 --> 00:55:23,171 - No, the chest, the wrists, the hands. 1067 00:55:24,546 --> 00:55:25,962 Hairless. 1068 00:55:26,046 --> 00:55:29,587 There's not a single hair on that body. Now that's very odd. 1069 00:55:29,671 --> 00:55:31,671 - Well you see, that was the war. 1070 00:55:31,754 --> 00:55:35,087 Fright. It all dropped out when the sirens started. 1071 00:55:35,171 --> 00:55:36,504 Never grew again. 1072 00:55:36,587 --> 00:55:38,296 - Except on his head. 1073 00:55:38,379 --> 00:55:40,421 - Exactly. Most odd. 1074 00:55:41,796 --> 00:55:42,796 - Very strange. 1075 00:55:44,587 --> 00:55:47,504 I wonder if you'd give permission for a postmortem. 1076 00:55:47,587 --> 00:55:49,004 - No, no no no, no. 1077 00:55:49,087 --> 00:55:51,212 - That would assist medical science. 1078 00:55:51,296 --> 00:55:54,421 It would help people suffering from the same complaint. 1079 00:55:54,504 --> 00:55:56,129 - I couldn't. 1080 00:55:56,212 --> 00:55:58,337 It's against his religion. 1081 00:55:58,421 --> 00:55:59,837 He was a Seven Days' Wonder. 1082 00:56:01,046 --> 00:56:01,796 Anything that they don't allow, 1083 00:56:01,879 --> 00:56:05,129 blood transfusions, cutting up, anything like that. 1084 00:56:05,212 --> 00:56:07,546 You see, you has to come up in exactly 1085 00:56:07,629 --> 00:56:10,087 the same condition as what you snuffed in. 1086 00:56:11,254 --> 00:56:13,546 They don't like to be tampered with. 1087 00:56:13,629 --> 00:56:17,587 - We put back everything exactly as we found it. 1088 00:56:17,671 --> 00:56:20,212 - No, no, I couldn't. 1089 00:56:20,296 --> 00:56:22,962 Much as I would like to help you, he'd never forgive me 1090 00:56:23,046 --> 00:56:24,546 if I let you chop him up. 1091 00:56:24,629 --> 00:56:26,504 - Well, never mind. 1092 00:56:27,504 --> 00:56:30,962 (dog whimpering) 1093 00:56:31,046 --> 00:56:32,254 Do you know, I'm overlooking something. 1094 00:56:32,337 --> 00:56:35,296 I can't think what it, ooh, here here here. 1095 00:56:42,629 --> 00:56:46,046 Ah, look, I'm always leaving this behind. 1096 00:56:47,379 --> 00:56:49,296 My condolences. 1097 00:56:49,379 --> 00:56:51,504 And I'll see you in the pub. 1098 00:56:51,587 --> 00:56:55,129 - Thank you, Doctor. 1099 00:56:58,754 --> 00:57:00,962 (doctor crashing) 1100 00:57:01,046 --> 00:57:03,254 I'll see you out, Doctor. 1101 00:57:03,337 --> 00:57:06,087 (items crashing) 1102 00:57:12,212 --> 00:57:14,754 - I think I've done it before. 1103 00:57:14,837 --> 00:57:17,671 (chattering) 1104 00:57:17,754 --> 00:57:20,504 (glass breaking) 1105 00:57:26,462 --> 00:57:28,296 There you are, you naughty car. 1106 00:57:28,379 --> 00:57:29,296 Here we go. 1107 00:57:30,462 --> 00:57:33,254 (horn honking) 1108 00:57:33,337 --> 00:57:36,004 (engine starting and sputtering) 1109 00:57:36,087 --> 00:57:39,337 (sputtering continues) 1110 00:57:43,837 --> 00:57:45,004 - Chucks away! 1111 00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:46,962 No! 1112 00:57:47,046 --> 00:57:49,796 (engine revving) 1113 00:58:00,712 --> 00:58:01,546 - Harold? 1114 00:58:04,671 --> 00:58:06,962 (dog whimpering) 1115 00:58:07,046 --> 00:58:08,462 Come and undo me. 1116 00:58:12,296 --> 00:58:14,921 Harold! Where are you? 1117 00:58:15,004 --> 00:58:16,421 Come and undo me. 1118 00:58:17,629 --> 00:58:21,921 - [Harold] You stole my body. I want my body. 1119 00:58:22,004 --> 00:58:24,921 Give me my body back. I want my body. 1120 00:58:25,962 --> 00:58:27,379 - Harold! Harold! 1121 00:58:28,504 --> 00:58:30,421 - It's my body. 1122 00:58:30,504 --> 00:58:32,254 I'm coming in to get it. 1123 00:58:32,337 --> 00:58:34,754 (whimpering) 1124 00:58:39,796 --> 00:58:42,129 (shrieking) 1125 00:58:43,004 --> 00:58:45,004 Dad? Dad? 1126 00:58:47,337 --> 00:58:48,421 You all right? 1127 00:58:51,337 --> 00:58:52,879 Dad! 1128 00:58:52,962 --> 00:58:55,629 (funeral music) 1129 00:58:59,046 --> 00:59:01,546 (dog howling) 1130 00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:09,879 (whistling) 1131 00:59:09,962 --> 00:59:11,296 - Oi. All right? 1132 00:59:12,337 --> 00:59:16,712 - Yeah, not bad. Nice and roomy, very comfortable. 1133 00:59:16,796 --> 00:59:18,379 - You can stay there if you like. I don't mind. 1134 00:59:18,462 --> 00:59:20,462 - Yeah, it's very nice. 1135 00:59:20,546 --> 00:59:21,587 Coulda been made for me. 1136 00:59:21,671 --> 00:59:23,462 - It is for you. It was. 1137 00:59:24,296 --> 00:59:25,837 I had it out in the yard for a couple of years, 1138 00:59:25,921 --> 00:59:27,421 waiting for you to shoot off. 1139 00:59:28,254 --> 00:59:29,879 I had a bit of spare cash on me 1140 00:59:29,962 --> 00:59:32,087 so I thought I'd get it before the prices went up. 1141 00:59:32,171 --> 00:59:33,046 - You had a bit of spare cash on you, 1142 00:59:33,129 --> 00:59:35,171 so you bought me a coffin. 1143 00:59:35,254 --> 00:59:36,462 - Yep. 1144 00:59:36,546 --> 00:59:38,296 - Now that's nice. That's very nice. 1145 00:59:38,379 --> 00:59:41,171 What was it for, me birthday or Christmas? 1146 00:59:41,254 --> 00:59:43,337 - If you don't like it, man said I could 1147 00:59:43,421 --> 00:59:44,421 always change it when the time comes. 1148 00:59:44,504 --> 00:59:47,296 - Right morbid, aren't you? 1149 00:59:47,379 --> 00:59:49,671 Other sons buy their fathers gold watches, 1150 00:59:49,754 --> 00:59:52,337 cigarette cases, you give me a coffin. 1151 00:59:52,421 --> 00:59:54,212 - At least I got you a good one. 1152 00:59:55,671 --> 00:59:57,337 Look at that, beautiful. 1153 00:59:58,546 --> 00:59:59,879 Solid teak, that is. 1154 00:59:59,962 --> 01:00:01,129 It's silk lined. 1155 01:00:01,212 --> 01:00:03,379 - That's not teak, it's oak. 1156 01:00:03,462 --> 01:00:05,004 - At least it's not plastic. 1157 01:00:06,004 --> 01:00:08,171 Had your name put on the coffin lid as well. 1158 01:00:13,171 --> 01:00:18,171 Albert L. Steptoe, February the 10th, 1901, dash, 1159 01:00:18,796 --> 01:00:20,962 I'll get the other date put in now. 1160 01:00:21,046 --> 01:00:23,629 Deeply mourned by his loving son, Harold. 1161 01:00:24,921 --> 01:00:28,837 - Deeply mourned. Loving son, Harold. 1162 01:00:29,712 --> 01:00:33,254 - Yeah, I had that put on the tombstone as well. 1163 01:00:33,337 --> 01:00:34,671 - What tombstone? 1164 01:00:34,754 --> 01:00:35,504 - Well, I thought I'd get the tombstone 1165 01:00:35,587 --> 01:00:37,504 done at the same time. 1166 01:00:37,587 --> 01:00:39,546 He was having a sale. 1167 01:00:39,629 --> 01:00:44,212 So, I thought I'd get the lot and then be done with it. 1168 01:00:45,712 --> 01:00:46,462 You didn't think I'd turn 1169 01:00:46,546 --> 01:00:47,712 in the green shield stamps, did you? 1170 01:00:47,796 --> 01:00:50,754 - I didn't know it was for me own funeral, did I? 1171 01:00:50,837 --> 01:00:54,004 (knocking on door) 1172 01:00:54,087 --> 01:00:54,921 - Get down. 1173 01:00:59,254 --> 01:01:00,379 (dog growling) 1174 01:01:00,462 --> 01:01:02,171 - Shut up, Hercules, you know what. 1175 01:01:02,254 --> 01:01:03,171 Shut up. 1176 01:01:03,254 --> 01:01:05,837 (dog growling) 1177 01:01:16,212 --> 01:01:18,671 - Good morning, Harold. Nice morning? 1178 01:01:18,754 --> 01:01:21,212 - Yes, it is most clement. 1179 01:01:21,296 --> 01:01:24,004 - It's Saturday, Harold, payday. 1180 01:01:24,087 --> 01:01:26,754 We just happened to be in the area debt collecting. 1181 01:01:26,837 --> 01:01:28,129 You know the boys, don't you? 1182 01:01:29,129 --> 01:01:30,296 Let's see now. 1183 01:01:30,379 --> 01:01:32,004 Harold Steptoe. 1184 01:01:33,671 --> 01:01:34,921 160 pounds. 1185 01:01:36,296 --> 01:01:38,046 - Yes, but I'm afraid you have called 1186 01:01:38,129 --> 01:01:39,796 at rather an inopportune time. 1187 01:01:39,879 --> 01:01:42,837 - Oh dear. Don't tell me you haven't got it. 1188 01:01:44,171 --> 01:01:47,087 You're the second one this morning. 1189 01:01:49,546 --> 01:01:50,837 - Don't lean on me, Frankie. 1190 01:01:50,921 --> 01:01:53,546 I mean, I don't scare easy. 1191 01:01:53,629 --> 01:01:56,171 Help, stop it, stop it, stop it! 1192 01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:58,921 Stop it, stop it! You can have it, you can have it. 1193 01:01:59,004 --> 01:02:00,212 But not today. 1194 01:02:00,296 --> 01:02:03,712 Ow, no, my dad's dead! My dad's dead! 1195 01:02:03,796 --> 01:02:06,087 (crying) 1196 01:02:06,171 --> 01:02:07,504 - I beg your pardon. 1197 01:02:07,587 --> 01:02:10,254 - My dad is dead. He's in there. 1198 01:02:14,462 --> 01:02:16,296 - Oh dear. I am sorry. 1199 01:02:17,254 --> 01:02:19,879 Most distressing. My condolences. 1200 01:02:21,754 --> 01:02:23,504 My heart goes out to you, Harold. 1201 01:02:23,587 --> 01:02:24,337 - Thank you. 1202 01:02:24,421 --> 01:02:26,171 - Poor Mr. Steptoe. 1203 01:02:26,254 --> 01:02:28,462 Still, at least his suffering is over. 1204 01:02:28,546 --> 01:02:30,796 He can feel no more pain in this life. 1205 01:02:30,879 --> 01:02:31,796 (groaning) 1206 01:02:31,879 --> 01:02:33,421 Unlike some of us who are left. 1207 01:02:33,504 --> 01:02:35,879 - You'll get paid when the insurance coughs up. 1208 01:02:36,837 --> 01:02:38,379 - He was insured? 1209 01:02:38,462 --> 01:02:40,087 - Yes. 1210 01:02:40,171 --> 01:02:41,212 - Very wise. 1211 01:02:42,337 --> 01:02:45,337 Under the circumstances, I'm prepared to wait for the money. 1212 01:02:45,421 --> 01:02:47,421 At 10% interest per day. 1213 01:02:47,504 --> 01:02:49,129 - Agreed, agreed. 1214 01:02:51,171 --> 01:02:52,046 - Courage. 1215 01:02:54,504 --> 01:02:56,754 (groaning) 1216 01:03:06,462 --> 01:03:08,712 (groaning) 1217 01:03:11,462 --> 01:03:13,087 - Right, that's it. You heard them. 1218 01:03:13,171 --> 01:03:13,921 I wanna get this over and done. 1219 01:03:14,004 --> 01:03:15,462 I wanna get you planted as soon as possible, mate. 1220 01:03:15,546 --> 01:03:17,296 Now come on out, I've gotta nail you up. 1221 01:03:17,379 --> 01:03:19,462 - No, I like it in here. It's nice and soft. 1222 01:03:19,546 --> 01:03:20,421 - Fine, stay in then. 1223 01:03:20,504 --> 01:03:23,254 - No, I'm coming out. 1224 01:03:23,337 --> 01:03:24,587 Who are you inviting? 1225 01:03:24,671 --> 01:03:25,421 - Nobody. 1226 01:03:25,504 --> 01:03:26,254 - No mourners? 1227 01:03:26,337 --> 01:03:28,504 - Come on, out. 1228 01:03:28,587 --> 01:03:30,296 The fewer people know about this, the better. 1229 01:03:30,379 --> 01:03:32,837 I'll cop the money and off. 1230 01:03:32,921 --> 01:03:36,337 Oh God, that's disgusting. 1231 01:03:36,421 --> 01:03:38,129 Would you look at the mess? 1232 01:03:38,212 --> 01:03:41,546 You've only had it five minutes. It's full of mud. 1233 01:03:43,046 --> 01:03:44,921 Fag ash, pff. 1234 01:03:45,004 --> 01:03:46,337 Bull sweet. 1235 01:03:47,754 --> 01:03:51,171 Dirty. I mean Dracula's coffin's cleaner than this. 1236 01:03:51,254 --> 01:03:53,421 And he's in and out all day long. 1237 01:03:54,837 --> 01:03:56,546 How much do you weigh? 1238 01:03:56,629 --> 01:03:58,712 - Seven and a half stone. 1239 01:04:00,504 --> 01:04:01,712 - There you go. 1240 01:04:01,796 --> 01:04:03,671 That should be just about right. 1241 01:04:03,754 --> 01:04:05,587 God, what a treasure trove. 1242 01:04:05,671 --> 01:04:07,962 Hey, that should bollocks up some poor archaeologist 1243 01:04:08,046 --> 01:04:09,546 in about 1,000 years time. 1244 01:04:09,629 --> 01:04:11,212 (imitates horn) 1245 01:04:11,296 --> 01:04:13,546 Tootin' Steptoe buried with all his treasure. 1246 01:04:14,587 --> 01:04:16,254 Just think, one day this could be 1247 01:04:16,337 --> 01:04:19,004 on display at the British Museum. 1248 01:04:19,087 --> 01:04:21,837 You stretching halfway down Oxford street. 1249 01:04:23,587 --> 01:04:26,087 (dog barking) 1250 01:04:32,212 --> 01:04:34,129 Take him with you. 1251 01:04:34,212 --> 01:04:35,046 - Here. 1252 01:04:41,254 --> 01:04:43,087 - Hello, Harold. 1253 01:04:43,171 --> 01:04:44,421 - Oh, hello. 1254 01:04:44,504 --> 01:04:46,379 - We've heard the bad news. 1255 01:04:47,254 --> 01:04:49,171 We've just come round to pay our respects. 1256 01:04:49,254 --> 01:04:50,629 - How'd you find out? 1257 01:04:50,712 --> 01:04:52,796 - Everybody's talking about it. 1258 01:04:52,879 --> 01:04:53,796 - Are they? 1259 01:04:55,421 --> 01:04:56,212 - Bit sudden, was it? 1260 01:04:56,296 --> 01:04:58,296 - Yes, yes, it was, very sudden. 1261 01:05:00,087 --> 01:05:02,129 - I couldn't believe it when I heard it. 1262 01:05:02,212 --> 01:05:02,962 - Why not? 1263 01:05:03,046 --> 01:05:06,712 - Well, we saw him the other night down at the dog track. 1264 01:05:06,796 --> 01:05:08,712 Looked all right then, didn't he? 1265 01:05:08,796 --> 01:05:10,296 - It was all too much for him, I suppose. 1266 01:05:10,379 --> 01:05:11,754 - Yeah, maybe too much for him to see 1267 01:05:11,837 --> 01:05:13,337 the dog losing like that. 1268 01:05:13,421 --> 01:05:16,671 - Yes, I expect that's what it was. All too much for him. 1269 01:05:18,462 --> 01:05:22,296 - Well, uh, we've brought these round. 1270 01:05:22,379 --> 01:05:24,337 - Oh yeah, very kind of you. 1271 01:05:25,379 --> 01:05:26,337 Well, we aint got very much to offer you 1272 01:05:26,421 --> 01:05:27,296 in the way of hospitality. 1273 01:05:27,379 --> 01:05:30,337 - That's all right. We'll take what you got. 1274 01:05:30,421 --> 01:05:31,462 - We aint got nothing. 1275 01:05:33,962 --> 01:05:35,462 - I've got a bottle of scotch. 1276 01:05:37,796 --> 01:05:39,587 - In that case, you better come in. 1277 01:05:41,421 --> 01:05:42,379 You better come in! 1278 01:05:44,421 --> 01:05:46,879 - Go on, I can't get in with this bloody great wheel. 1279 01:05:48,504 --> 01:05:49,629 - He's there then, is he, Harold? 1280 01:05:49,712 --> 01:05:50,962 - Yeah, yeah, he is. 1281 01:05:51,046 --> 01:05:53,504 - All crated up and ready for off, eh? 1282 01:05:55,921 --> 01:05:57,337 That's a nice coffin, Harold. 1283 01:05:59,421 --> 01:06:01,129 - Real good wood, that. 1284 01:06:01,212 --> 01:06:01,962 - Yeah. 1285 01:06:02,046 --> 01:06:03,796 - Be a few years before the old maggots get through that. 1286 01:06:03,879 --> 01:06:06,129 (laughing) 1287 01:06:10,462 --> 01:06:14,712 - If you'll excuse me, I'll go and get the glasses. 1288 01:06:19,504 --> 01:06:21,421 - You see, I was right. 1289 01:06:22,837 --> 01:06:24,962 Harold is in trouble with the old mob. 1290 01:06:25,046 --> 01:06:26,421 - What do you mean? 1291 01:06:26,504 --> 01:06:29,212 - Well, look at the place. Bleeding empty, isn't it? 1292 01:06:29,296 --> 01:06:31,379 He's skint, I tell you, and that is why 1293 01:06:31,462 --> 01:06:33,337 he was embarrassed when we come round. 1294 01:06:33,421 --> 01:06:36,004 - Oh yeah, I see what you mean, yeah. 1295 01:06:36,921 --> 01:06:39,212 - And that is why he's bugging the old man 1296 01:06:39,296 --> 01:06:40,837 away on the quiet. 1297 01:06:40,921 --> 01:06:42,337 He can't afford a big do. 1298 01:06:42,421 --> 01:06:43,921 - It's a good job we can then. 1299 01:06:44,004 --> 01:06:46,629 It's worth a few bob to give him a good sendoff. 1300 01:06:46,712 --> 01:06:48,004 - Oh hello, Harold. 1301 01:06:48,087 --> 01:06:50,462 - Please excuse the motley collection of drinking vessels, 1302 01:06:50,546 --> 01:06:52,379 but all the good stuff is packed away. 1303 01:06:52,462 --> 01:06:55,587 - Oh yeah. Yeah well, we understand, don't we? 1304 01:06:55,671 --> 01:06:57,046 - You do the honours, Harold. 1305 01:07:00,087 --> 01:07:04,462 - Well I expect old Albert is upstairs now, isn't he? 1306 01:07:04,546 --> 01:07:06,462 - Upstairs? What do you mean upstairs? 1307 01:07:07,421 --> 01:07:12,004 - Well upstairs. You know, as opposed to down there. 1308 01:07:13,046 --> 01:07:14,671 Where old George is going. 1309 01:07:14,754 --> 01:07:15,671 (laughing) 1310 01:07:15,754 --> 01:07:17,004 - Oh yeah, yeah (laughs). 1311 01:07:21,462 --> 01:07:24,171 - I should like to make this a toast, Harold. 1312 01:07:24,254 --> 01:07:25,546 - Oh, no no, I don't think there's a need to. 1313 01:07:25,629 --> 01:07:27,421 - No no, no, I insist. 1314 01:07:27,504 --> 01:07:31,046 On behalf of myself and my fellow guests here, 1315 01:07:31,129 --> 01:07:33,379 I should like to raise my glass 1316 01:07:34,629 --> 01:07:39,171 and pay a warm tribute to our dear departed friend. 1317 01:07:39,254 --> 01:07:43,296 - Dear departed. - Dear departed. 1318 01:07:43,379 --> 01:07:46,087 - Albert Steptoe was not everybody's cup of tea. 1319 01:07:46,171 --> 01:07:47,004 - Here here. 1320 01:07:48,046 --> 01:07:50,712 - In fact, he could be a pain in the arse at times. 1321 01:07:50,796 --> 01:07:53,337 But then we all have our faults, don't we? 1322 01:07:53,421 --> 01:07:55,212 But he was a good drinker, 1323 01:07:55,296 --> 01:07:57,046 fair in business, 1324 01:07:57,129 --> 01:07:59,921 and dare I say it, a very good father to you. 1325 01:08:00,004 --> 01:08:01,254 - Oh, yes, yes. 1326 01:08:02,712 --> 01:08:06,296 - And now he's shuffled off these mortal coils 1327 01:08:06,379 --> 01:08:10,504 and gone to join the great rag and bone man in the sky. 1328 01:08:10,587 --> 01:08:12,004 - Get on with it. 1329 01:08:13,671 --> 01:08:16,629 - I should like to drink a toast to his memory, 1330 01:08:16,712 --> 01:08:18,629 coupled with our very best wishes to you 1331 01:08:18,712 --> 01:08:21,962 in this time of your grief, and the hope that you will find 1332 01:08:22,046 --> 01:08:24,712 comfort in knowing he will greatly missed 1333 01:08:24,796 --> 01:08:27,004 by all them who knew him. 1334 01:08:27,087 --> 01:08:29,879 Gentlemen, I give you Albert Steptoe. 1335 01:08:29,962 --> 01:08:30,712 - Albert Steptoe. - Albert. 1336 01:08:30,796 --> 01:08:32,046 - Good luck, Albert, sir. 1337 01:08:34,629 --> 01:08:35,921 - Work them round again, Perce. 1338 01:08:36,004 --> 01:08:37,837 - Yeah, come on, Perce. 1339 01:08:39,879 --> 01:08:43,712 - That was a very nice speech, Lennie. 1340 01:08:44,879 --> 01:08:46,337 I would like to thank you on behalf 1341 01:08:46,421 --> 01:08:48,504 of my late father and myself. 1342 01:08:50,712 --> 01:08:52,004 I'm deeply touched. 1343 01:08:52,921 --> 01:08:54,712 - Harold, I hope you don't think we're being morbid, 1344 01:08:54,796 --> 01:08:56,379 but is there any chance of us have 1345 01:08:56,462 --> 01:08:57,796 a look at him before he goes? 1346 01:08:57,879 --> 01:08:59,546 - No, no no, you can't. 1347 01:08:59,629 --> 01:09:00,962 - Why not? After all, we are his Chinas. 1348 01:09:01,046 --> 01:09:02,837 - Yeah, but he's all screwed down. 1349 01:09:02,921 --> 01:09:05,129 - Hey, oh, I've got a screwdriver. 1350 01:09:05,212 --> 01:09:08,046 - No, no no no, I'd rather you didn't. 1351 01:09:08,129 --> 01:09:10,754 You see, he's not a pretty sight. 1352 01:09:11,962 --> 01:09:13,504 - Well he never was (chuckles). 1353 01:09:14,421 --> 01:09:16,712 After all, he's only had an heart attack. 1354 01:09:16,796 --> 01:09:21,546 - Ah yes, but you see, it's what he was doing at the time. 1355 01:09:21,629 --> 01:09:24,671 Oh his face, it's all contorted in agony. 1356 01:09:25,671 --> 01:09:26,837 It's horrible. 1357 01:09:28,546 --> 01:09:29,546 - What was he doing? 1358 01:09:30,754 --> 01:09:31,837 - It's very delicate. 1359 01:09:34,171 --> 01:09:35,879 I heard the scream from the karzy. 1360 01:09:36,962 --> 01:09:40,296 And by the time I'd broken the door down, he'd gone. 1361 01:09:40,379 --> 01:09:43,212 He was just sitting there. His poor face. 1362 01:09:45,254 --> 01:09:47,254 I'd like for you to remember him as he was. 1363 01:09:47,337 --> 01:09:49,129 - Well I tell you, if I go the same way, 1364 01:09:49,212 --> 01:09:52,421 my face will be wreathed in smiles. 1365 01:09:52,504 --> 01:09:54,879 - Oh, leave off. Have a bit of consideration. 1366 01:09:56,212 --> 01:09:57,379 - Let's have another drink. 1367 01:09:57,462 --> 01:09:58,212 - Yeah. 1368 01:09:58,296 --> 01:09:59,129 Harold. 1369 01:10:00,587 --> 01:10:03,546 Me and the boys, we was just having a bit of a chat. 1370 01:10:03,629 --> 01:10:06,337 Listen, we would consider it a great honour if you would 1371 01:10:06,421 --> 01:10:08,921 allow us to give Albert a proper sendoff. 1372 01:10:09,004 --> 01:10:10,296 - Oh no, that's most kind of you, but-- 1373 01:10:10,379 --> 01:10:12,879 - Oh no no, don't be embarrassed, Harold. 1374 01:10:12,962 --> 01:10:15,754 I mean, hard times come to us all sooner or later. 1375 01:10:15,837 --> 01:10:18,004 - Yeah, but you see, we was thinking, 1376 01:10:18,087 --> 01:10:20,504 that is, I was thinking of a quiet funeral. 1377 01:10:20,587 --> 01:10:21,754 Just immediate family. 1378 01:10:21,837 --> 01:10:26,837 - Now look, Harold, our way of life is disappearing fast. 1379 01:10:27,712 --> 01:10:28,921 I mean, look all around you. 1380 01:10:29,004 --> 01:10:30,921 They're tearing down all the houses, 1381 01:10:31,004 --> 01:10:32,754 they're putting up them flats. 1382 01:10:32,837 --> 01:10:34,712 They're building on all the yards. 1383 01:10:34,796 --> 01:10:37,879 There won't be none of us left soon, mate. 1384 01:10:37,962 --> 01:10:40,837 Your father, now, he was one of the oldest 1385 01:10:40,921 --> 01:10:42,337 tottlers in the business. 1386 01:10:42,421 --> 01:10:45,046 He would remember the old days. 1387 01:10:45,129 --> 01:10:46,671 - He's right, you know, Harold. 1388 01:10:46,754 --> 01:10:49,129 My father's gone. Percy's dad, he's dead. 1389 01:10:49,212 --> 01:10:52,296 - My old dad's gone to Welwyn garden city. 1390 01:10:52,379 --> 01:10:54,254 None of the nippers growing up on the plank. 1391 01:10:54,337 --> 01:10:58,004 - Yeah, he's right. See, it's practically all over. 1392 01:10:58,087 --> 01:11:01,171 And listen, this might be the last chance we ever have 1393 01:11:01,254 --> 01:11:04,587 of seeing a real traditional tottler's funeral. 1394 01:11:05,962 --> 01:11:06,712 So let's do it in style. 1395 01:11:06,796 --> 01:11:08,337 - But the expense, who's gonna come on with that. 1396 01:11:08,421 --> 01:11:11,462 - Don't even worry about that. 1397 01:11:11,546 --> 01:11:13,504 Never mind the grub and the booze. 1398 01:11:13,587 --> 01:11:15,337 We've taken care of all that. 1399 01:11:15,421 --> 01:11:17,587 Percy's old lady, mine, they've done all the catering. 1400 01:11:17,671 --> 01:11:19,087 Well, I mean they'll be here in a minute. 1401 01:11:19,171 --> 01:11:20,712 I've had a word with the vicar, 1402 01:11:20,796 --> 01:11:22,504 and I've sorted out the invitations. 1403 01:11:22,587 --> 01:11:23,712 - What's time's the funeral? 1404 01:11:23,796 --> 01:11:24,546 - Half past two. 1405 01:11:24,629 --> 01:11:25,837 - What? 1406 01:11:25,921 --> 01:11:26,796 - Yeah, well, that's right, isn't it? 1407 01:11:26,879 --> 01:11:29,837 I mean, what is it, a half-hour to the boneyard? Perfect. 1408 01:11:29,921 --> 01:11:32,296 So everybody meets here an hour before kickoff 1409 01:11:32,379 --> 01:11:34,796 for light refreshments and then back here again 1410 01:11:34,879 --> 01:11:37,796 after the main event for a cold collision and a good drink. 1411 01:11:39,921 --> 01:11:41,754 - I'll go and get dressed. 1412 01:11:43,921 --> 01:11:44,754 - Harold? 1413 01:11:45,962 --> 01:11:48,296 Try and stay cheerful, mate. 1414 01:11:49,921 --> 01:11:53,171 Gee, our Harold doesn't look too good, though, does he? 1415 01:11:53,254 --> 01:11:54,962 - What's the matter with you? Get in the bedroom. 1416 01:11:55,046 --> 01:11:57,921 - It's the nicest thing I've heard. 1417 01:11:58,004 --> 01:12:00,296 (guests chattering) 1418 01:12:00,379 --> 01:12:01,671 That's friends for you, that is. 1419 01:12:01,754 --> 01:12:05,587 - Dad, you know them, any excuse for a boozer. 1420 01:12:07,212 --> 01:12:10,212 They've just taken the whole bleeding thing over. 1421 01:12:10,296 --> 01:12:12,962 - They're genuine people, Harold. 1422 01:12:13,046 --> 01:12:16,546 (chattering and laughing) 1423 01:12:17,587 --> 01:12:19,796 - Right, stay in here, keep the door locked. 1424 01:12:22,504 --> 01:12:23,504 - There won't be anybody to give you 1425 01:12:23,587 --> 01:12:25,296 a good sendoff when you go. 1426 01:12:27,379 --> 01:12:29,796 And another thing, what did you have to go and tell them 1427 01:12:29,879 --> 01:12:32,921 I died sitting on the bog for? 1428 01:12:33,004 --> 01:12:35,796 I'm entitled to some dignity, you know. 1429 01:12:35,879 --> 01:12:37,379 And another thing! 1430 01:12:38,962 --> 01:12:39,879 I'm hungry. 1431 01:12:41,004 --> 01:12:41,879 (knocking on door) 1432 01:12:41,962 --> 01:12:42,796 - Oh God. 1433 01:12:48,921 --> 01:12:51,796 - You better get the tables in. 1434 01:12:51,879 --> 01:12:53,462 Take through the back there. 1435 01:12:53,546 --> 01:12:55,629 - Hello, Lenny. - Hello, mate. 1436 01:12:55,712 --> 01:12:58,254 (chattering) 1437 01:12:58,337 --> 01:13:00,671 - Be nice in there, all right. 1438 01:13:00,754 --> 01:13:01,504 - Where do you want it, mate? 1439 01:13:01,587 --> 01:13:04,504 - Just take it through the back there, will you? 1440 01:13:04,587 --> 01:13:05,837 Just take it and put it in the kitchen. 1441 01:13:05,921 --> 01:13:06,712 Straight through the back there. 1442 01:13:06,796 --> 01:13:07,754 - Oh, I know. 1443 01:13:07,837 --> 01:13:09,337 - Hello, darling, how are you? 1444 01:13:09,421 --> 01:13:11,837 (chattering) 1445 01:13:13,296 --> 01:13:16,712 Take it through the back there, will you? 1446 01:13:17,879 --> 01:13:20,004 Whoa, no, Freda is in the back. 1447 01:13:20,087 --> 01:13:22,754 (chattering) 1448 01:13:22,837 --> 01:13:23,587 - Hello, dear. 1449 01:13:23,671 --> 01:13:26,087 (chattering) 1450 01:13:28,837 --> 01:13:31,004 - Come on, don't you worry about a thing, Harold. 1451 01:13:31,087 --> 01:13:32,087 You leave it all to me. 1452 01:13:32,171 --> 01:13:33,796 After all, it is your dad. 1453 01:13:33,879 --> 01:13:36,254 - Oh, Harold, you do look nice. 1454 01:13:36,337 --> 01:13:37,504 Doesn't he look nice, blokes? 1455 01:13:37,587 --> 01:13:40,504 - Oh yes, very smart. Here, hold this. 1456 01:13:40,587 --> 01:13:44,254 Here, here, who does he put you in mind of? 1457 01:13:44,337 --> 01:13:46,254 - [First Woman] Oh it's Albert, isn't it? 1458 01:13:46,337 --> 01:13:47,212 He was a lovely dresser, wasn't he? 1459 01:13:47,296 --> 01:13:48,546 - Yeah and knew it then, didn't he? 1460 01:13:48,629 --> 01:13:51,296 - Here you go, have some nourishment, dear. 1461 01:13:51,379 --> 01:13:53,587 - Yeah, he does look a bit peaky. 1462 01:13:53,671 --> 01:13:56,212 Here you are, love, you have one of those. That's it. 1463 01:13:56,296 --> 01:13:58,004 - Very smart, Harold. 1464 01:13:58,087 --> 01:14:00,129 You ought to dress like that all the time. 1465 01:14:00,212 --> 01:14:02,504 - Here you are now. 1466 01:14:02,587 --> 01:14:04,837 - I would just like to thank you all for coming. 1467 01:14:04,921 --> 01:14:07,462 This is a truly magnificent spread. 1468 01:14:07,546 --> 01:14:09,337 - [Group] Ah. 1469 01:14:09,421 --> 01:14:11,254 - Isn't he lovely? 1470 01:14:11,337 --> 01:14:14,087 - I expect you'll be glad to see the back of him. 1471 01:14:14,171 --> 01:14:16,129 Really, be honest, Harold, he held you back. 1472 01:14:16,212 --> 01:14:18,254 You get yourself a nice girl. You deserve it. 1473 01:14:18,337 --> 01:14:19,671 - Yeah, you forget about him. 1474 01:14:19,754 --> 01:14:22,296 I mean, after all, love, he had his life. 1475 01:14:22,379 --> 01:14:24,129 - Yeah, he had the good innings, didn't he? 1476 01:14:24,212 --> 01:14:27,171 - I mean, you know, now that he's not here anymore-- 1477 01:14:27,254 --> 01:14:28,004 - Freda. 1478 01:14:28,087 --> 01:14:29,004 - You can go out and enjoy yourself, 1479 01:14:29,087 --> 01:14:30,879 now you know you got old Face Ache off your back. 1480 01:14:30,962 --> 01:14:32,212 - Freda. 1481 01:14:32,296 --> 01:14:33,629 - Will you leave off? 1482 01:14:33,712 --> 01:14:36,546 - I will try. Thank you, Auntie Freda. 1483 01:14:36,629 --> 01:14:39,046 - Ah. - Bless you, darling. 1484 01:14:39,129 --> 01:14:39,962 - Yeah. 1485 01:14:41,296 --> 01:14:42,254 - What are you banging me for? 1486 01:14:42,337 --> 01:14:43,129 - What are you on about? 1487 01:14:43,212 --> 01:14:45,754 The poor thing is hardly cold in his coffin, 1488 01:14:45,837 --> 01:14:47,046 and you're having a go at him. 1489 01:14:47,129 --> 01:14:47,879 - Well he don't mind. 1490 01:14:47,962 --> 01:14:49,254 - Yeah, he bleeding minds. It's his father, isn't it? 1491 01:14:49,337 --> 01:14:50,837 - Does he mind? 1492 01:14:50,921 --> 01:14:53,087 Would I hurt Harold like that, would I? 1493 01:14:53,171 --> 01:14:54,421 I mean, I only told the truth. 1494 01:14:54,504 --> 01:14:57,879 After all, he was an old face ache. 1495 01:14:57,962 --> 01:14:59,337 - Get back in that bedroom. 1496 01:14:59,421 --> 01:15:00,171 - Silly cow. 1497 01:15:00,254 --> 01:15:03,254 - It's swarming with them down here. 1498 01:15:05,504 --> 01:15:08,712 Do you hear me? It's swarming with them down there. 1499 01:15:08,796 --> 01:15:10,921 - I aint stopping up here the rest of me life. 1500 01:15:11,004 --> 01:15:12,462 - You don't have to. 1501 01:15:12,546 --> 01:15:14,462 Just till we cop the insurance money. 1502 01:15:14,546 --> 01:15:16,337 Then we sneak away, one night, 1503 01:15:16,421 --> 01:15:19,462 very quietly, and we start again somewhere else. 1504 01:15:20,462 --> 01:15:22,171 Down in Cornwall, somewhere. 1505 01:15:22,254 --> 01:15:24,671 Here, get these done. 1506 01:15:25,546 --> 01:15:26,504 - Smashing. 1507 01:15:26,587 --> 01:15:28,796 I wish I was alive, I'd scoff the lot. 1508 01:15:28,879 --> 01:15:29,754 (laughing) 1509 01:15:29,837 --> 01:15:31,462 - We'll start again. 1510 01:15:31,546 --> 01:15:33,379 I'll change my name. 1511 01:15:33,462 --> 01:15:35,462 Harry Fabersham. 1512 01:15:35,546 --> 01:15:37,337 Hello, who's this? 1513 01:15:37,421 --> 01:15:40,712 - It's Mr. Russell, the insurance agent. 1514 01:15:40,796 --> 01:15:41,796 - Perhaps he's brought a check with him. 1515 01:15:41,879 --> 01:15:44,171 That's what I like, prompt payers. 1516 01:15:45,087 --> 01:15:48,671 (guests chattering) 1517 01:15:48,754 --> 01:15:51,296 Here, get away from the window. 1518 01:15:51,379 --> 01:15:54,379 (guests chattering) 1519 01:15:58,462 --> 01:16:01,379 (knocking on door) 1520 01:16:02,837 --> 01:16:03,712 - Mr. Steptoe? 1521 01:16:03,796 --> 01:16:04,629 - Junior. 1522 01:16:06,671 --> 01:16:09,546 - My name is Russell, Eagle Alliance Insurance Company. 1523 01:16:09,629 --> 01:16:10,962 - Won't you please come in? 1524 01:16:13,504 --> 01:16:16,546 - Harold, come on. - Come on, Harold. 1525 01:16:16,629 --> 01:16:18,046 - Join the party. 1526 01:16:19,004 --> 01:16:20,712 - Please accept on behalf of the company 1527 01:16:20,796 --> 01:16:22,587 our deepest sympathy on your recent bereavement. 1528 01:16:22,671 --> 01:16:26,337 - Harold (belches). 1529 01:16:26,421 --> 01:16:28,254 - Yes, it was a great shock to us all. 1530 01:16:28,337 --> 01:16:30,546 - Harold, get your jetting gear around that. 1531 01:16:30,629 --> 01:16:33,046 What about your friend? Would he like one at all? 1532 01:16:33,129 --> 01:16:34,379 - No, he's all right, thank you. 1533 01:16:34,462 --> 01:16:35,962 - Right, I'll go and get him one. 1534 01:16:37,046 --> 01:16:38,129 - Very sad occasion. 1535 01:16:38,212 --> 01:16:39,546 - Yes, it is very sad. 1536 01:16:39,629 --> 01:16:41,671 - Now, with regard to the claim on the policy. 1537 01:16:41,754 --> 01:16:43,421 - Here you are, Harold. 1538 01:16:43,504 --> 01:16:46,087 It's as strong as a double scotch. 1539 01:16:47,337 --> 01:16:49,296 - We'll be more private in the kitchen. 1540 01:16:50,962 --> 01:16:51,796 - Cheers. 1541 01:16:52,962 --> 01:16:55,087 - After all these years (cries). 1542 01:16:55,171 --> 01:16:57,587 (chattering) 1543 01:16:58,504 --> 01:17:00,962 - He was very much loved. 1544 01:17:01,046 --> 01:17:03,712 But we should be all right in here for a few minutes. 1545 01:17:06,921 --> 01:17:08,421 Excuse me, I'll shut the door. 1546 01:17:09,962 --> 01:17:11,296 Would you care to sit down? 1547 01:17:12,296 --> 01:17:13,129 Champagne. 1548 01:17:17,837 --> 01:17:19,212 Nicely chilled. 1549 01:17:19,296 --> 01:17:20,129 - No thank you. 1550 01:17:29,629 --> 01:17:30,879 Well now. 1551 01:17:30,962 --> 01:17:32,712 - 1,000 pounds, I believe. 1552 01:17:32,796 --> 01:17:35,879 - Yes, but there is one slight snag. 1553 01:17:35,962 --> 01:17:37,129 - Snag? 1554 01:17:37,212 --> 01:17:40,921 - We must regretfully inform you that in April 1949 1555 01:17:41,004 --> 01:17:42,962 your late father assigned the policy 1556 01:17:43,046 --> 01:17:46,087 to a Mrs. Eileen Piecraft, 1557 01:17:46,171 --> 01:17:48,171 who is now therefore the beneficiary. 1558 01:17:48,254 --> 01:17:50,462 We will accordingly be arranging to make payment 1559 01:17:50,546 --> 01:17:53,129 of the claim to Mrs. Piecroft in the near future. 1560 01:17:54,129 --> 01:17:56,629 - I don't quite understand. 1561 01:17:56,712 --> 01:17:58,546 - The assignment was legally attested to. 1562 01:17:58,629 --> 01:18:00,421 I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about it. 1563 01:18:00,504 --> 01:18:01,254 (knocking on door) 1564 01:18:01,337 --> 01:18:03,129 - [Freda] Come on, hurry up. Gonna be in there all day? 1565 01:18:03,212 --> 01:18:04,087 - It can't be legal. 1566 01:18:04,171 --> 01:18:05,796 No, please, look. 1567 01:18:05,879 --> 01:18:07,546 - It's about bleeding time. 1568 01:18:07,629 --> 01:18:08,587 - Is it legal? 1569 01:18:08,671 --> 01:18:09,587 - Of course it's legal. 1570 01:18:10,462 --> 01:18:11,462 - Harold? - What? 1571 01:18:12,462 --> 01:18:13,879 - Find yourself a nice girl. 1572 01:18:16,921 --> 01:18:18,254 - I hope it's all quite clear, Mr. Steptoe, 1573 01:18:18,337 --> 01:18:19,712 and good day to you. 1574 01:18:20,754 --> 01:18:22,796 - Here, where's your proper collar? 1575 01:18:22,879 --> 01:18:26,421 - He can't. He's a shop steward. 1576 01:18:26,504 --> 01:18:28,212 - My condolences. 1577 01:18:28,296 --> 01:18:30,671 - [Harold] But I'm his natural son! 1578 01:18:30,754 --> 01:18:31,879 - Is the vicar leaving? 1579 01:18:31,962 --> 01:18:33,421 - Shut up! 1580 01:18:33,504 --> 01:18:35,254 Mrs. Eileen Piecraft. 1581 01:18:35,337 --> 01:18:38,337 (guests chattering) 1582 01:18:41,129 --> 01:18:42,004 - How much profits? 1583 01:18:42,087 --> 01:18:44,671 - Who the bleeding hell is Mrs. Eileen Piecraft? 1584 01:18:44,754 --> 01:18:48,837 - Who? 1585 01:18:48,921 --> 01:18:50,129 - You heard! 1586 01:18:50,129 --> 01:18:51,546 - Gold. 1587 01:18:51,754 --> 01:18:53,671 - It's not true. It can't be true. 1588 01:18:53,712 --> 01:18:55,462 - I forgot about her. 1589 01:18:55,504 --> 01:18:56,962 - You forgot. 1590 01:18:57,046 --> 01:18:58,421 - It was a long time ago. 1591 01:18:58,504 --> 01:19:02,212 It was while you was in the army in Malaya. 1592 01:19:02,296 --> 01:19:04,087 I met this bird, see? 1593 01:19:04,171 --> 01:19:05,879 We was going to get married. 1594 01:19:05,962 --> 01:19:07,504 Didn't I tell you about her? 1595 01:19:07,587 --> 01:19:10,337 - No. No, you didn't. 1596 01:19:10,421 --> 01:19:13,046 - It was very serious at the time. 1597 01:19:14,254 --> 01:19:17,171 But she wanted a bit of security, see? 1598 01:19:18,046 --> 01:19:20,087 She was a bit younger than me. 1599 01:19:20,171 --> 01:19:21,629 - How old was she? 1600 01:19:21,712 --> 01:19:22,546 - 18. 1601 01:19:24,212 --> 01:19:25,879 - You dirty old man. 1602 01:19:27,712 --> 01:19:30,046 She was even younger than I was. 1603 01:19:30,129 --> 01:19:31,004 - Yeah. 1604 01:19:31,087 --> 01:19:33,171 - Not much chance of her being dead then, is there? 1605 01:19:33,254 --> 01:19:36,046 - No, she was a very healthy girl. 1606 01:19:36,129 --> 01:19:38,296 - Yes, well, she's gonna get a nice healthy surprise 1607 01:19:38,379 --> 01:19:40,796 on her doormat first thing in the morning, 1,000 quid. 1608 01:19:40,879 --> 01:19:42,171 - Plus profits. 1609 01:19:42,254 --> 01:19:43,796 - Look, when she didn't wanna marry you, 1610 01:19:43,879 --> 01:19:46,004 why didn't you change the policy back again? 1611 01:19:46,087 --> 01:19:47,462 - I forgot. 1612 01:19:47,546 --> 01:19:49,712 - I forgot, I forgot. 1613 01:19:49,796 --> 01:19:51,879 Oh God, I could kill you properly 1614 01:19:51,962 --> 01:19:53,837 if I thought you was worth anything. 1615 01:19:56,171 --> 01:19:59,879 How can you forget a thing like that? 1616 01:19:59,962 --> 01:20:01,879 - Don't get upset, Harold. 1617 01:20:01,962 --> 01:20:02,796 - Upset! 1618 01:20:04,421 --> 01:20:08,337 You're being buried in an hour's time. You're not dead! 1619 01:20:08,421 --> 01:20:09,629 We've swindled the insurance company, 1620 01:20:09,712 --> 01:20:11,254 we aint gonna get the money. 1621 01:20:11,337 --> 01:20:12,462 You're gonna have to go into hiding 1622 01:20:12,546 --> 01:20:14,212 for the rest of your life. 1623 01:20:14,296 --> 01:20:15,879 I shall probably go to the nick for fraud, 1624 01:20:15,962 --> 01:20:17,754 when Frankie Barrow's finished with me. 1625 01:20:17,837 --> 01:20:21,546 And all you can say is don't get upset. 1626 01:20:21,629 --> 01:20:23,504 I'm entitled to get upset! 1627 01:20:23,587 --> 01:20:26,504 - There's nothing much we can do about it, is there? 1628 01:20:26,587 --> 01:20:28,796 You can't bring me back to life, can you? 1629 01:20:28,879 --> 01:20:29,712 - Oh belt up! 1630 01:20:32,796 --> 01:20:33,629 What did you say? 1631 01:20:34,796 --> 01:20:37,379 - I said you can't bring me back to life, can you? 1632 01:20:38,254 --> 01:20:39,921 - Oh yes I can. 1633 01:20:40,004 --> 01:20:42,754 (group laughing) 1634 01:20:44,212 --> 01:20:46,421 - First time the drinks have been on Albert. 1635 01:20:47,587 --> 01:20:50,962 (group chattering) 1636 01:20:51,046 --> 01:20:53,671 - George, Lennie, I'm most surprised at you. 1637 01:20:53,754 --> 01:20:55,421 This is a coffin, not a four-hour bar. 1638 01:20:55,504 --> 01:20:56,754 - Well I'm sorry, Harold, 1639 01:20:56,837 --> 01:20:58,629 but there's not a lotta room in here, is there? 1640 01:20:58,712 --> 01:20:59,462 - No. - No. 1641 01:20:59,546 --> 01:21:00,296 - Well come on, clear it off. 1642 01:21:00,379 --> 01:21:01,129 That's gonna go right through the beeswax. 1643 01:21:01,212 --> 01:21:03,046 This is a brand-new coffin, this is. 1644 01:21:03,129 --> 01:21:05,254 Would you excuse me? 1645 01:21:05,337 --> 01:21:06,837 - Oi, I did. 1646 01:21:06,921 --> 01:21:07,879 - Why don't we put a cloth over it? 1647 01:21:07,962 --> 01:21:09,421 - We'll do no such thing. 1648 01:21:09,504 --> 01:21:10,837 We'll move it over into the alcove, 1649 01:21:10,921 --> 01:21:12,254 just by the window, come on. 1650 01:21:12,337 --> 01:21:13,337 Get it up. 1651 01:21:13,421 --> 01:21:16,337 (group chattering) 1652 01:21:20,129 --> 01:21:21,796 - Get out of the bloody way. 1653 01:21:21,879 --> 01:21:24,046 Steamroller in the window. 1654 01:21:27,504 --> 01:21:29,087 You all right then? 1655 01:21:29,171 --> 01:21:30,046 Over by here, son. 1656 01:21:30,921 --> 01:21:33,837 (group chattering) 1657 01:21:44,337 --> 01:21:47,087 (glass clinking) 1658 01:21:49,171 --> 01:21:52,087 (group chattering) 1659 01:21:55,296 --> 01:21:56,046 - Right. 1660 01:21:56,129 --> 01:21:59,046 (group chattering) 1661 01:22:04,004 --> 01:22:05,462 - Oh don't help me here. 1662 01:22:05,546 --> 01:22:08,296 Do as little as you possibly can. 1663 01:22:12,879 --> 01:22:13,879 Down you go. 1664 01:22:15,087 --> 01:22:18,004 (group chattering) 1665 01:22:19,379 --> 01:22:21,254 Right, now don't forget, 1666 01:22:21,337 --> 01:22:23,129 I'll say, he was a good father to me. 1667 01:22:23,212 --> 01:22:24,046 When no one's looking, 1668 01:22:24,129 --> 01:22:26,629 I shall tap three times, and you groan. 1669 01:22:26,712 --> 01:22:28,629 (groaning) 1670 01:22:28,712 --> 01:22:30,837 Then you knock three times on the coffin, 1671 01:22:30,921 --> 01:22:32,796 then you sits up and you looks round. 1672 01:22:33,629 --> 01:22:34,754 - They'll all faint. 1673 01:22:34,837 --> 01:22:36,796 - Don't you worry about it. I'll scream first. 1674 01:22:40,462 --> 01:22:41,671 Stupid old... 1675 01:22:41,754 --> 01:22:44,671 (group chattering) 1676 01:22:51,212 --> 01:22:53,879 (women singing) 1677 01:23:01,629 --> 01:23:02,962 - Did he suffer at all? 1678 01:23:03,046 --> 01:23:04,754 - No, no no, I don't think so. 1679 01:23:04,837 --> 01:23:05,796 No, he went out like a light. 1680 01:23:05,879 --> 01:23:08,087 - That's the best way to go, yeah. 1681 01:23:08,171 --> 01:23:09,629 - Oh, he was a good father to me. 1682 01:23:09,712 --> 01:23:11,671 - I always thought he was a miserable old bleeder. 1683 01:23:11,754 --> 01:23:12,504 (laughing) 1684 01:23:12,587 --> 01:23:15,129 - No, no no no, he was a good father, 1685 01:23:15,212 --> 01:23:17,004 and I shall miss him terribly. 1686 01:23:17,087 --> 01:23:18,879 โ™ช Dear Harold โ™ช 1687 01:23:18,962 --> 01:23:21,754 (laughing) 1688 01:23:21,837 --> 01:23:23,462 Don't know how I'm gonna manage without him. 1689 01:23:23,546 --> 01:23:25,171 (knocking on coffin) 1690 01:23:25,254 --> 01:23:26,504 Quiet please, quiet. 1691 01:23:27,712 --> 01:23:29,129 Did you hear anything? 1692 01:23:29,212 --> 01:23:31,754 - No. No, I didn't here nothing. 1693 01:23:31,837 --> 01:23:33,546 Gree, did you hear anything? 1694 01:23:33,629 --> 01:23:34,379 - Eh? 1695 01:23:34,462 --> 01:23:35,629 - [Freda] Did you hear anything? 1696 01:23:35,712 --> 01:23:39,546 - What, with all this bleeding noise going on? 1697 01:23:40,671 --> 01:23:42,462 - Coulda swore I heard something. 1698 01:23:42,546 --> 01:23:43,629 - What sort of thing? 1699 01:23:43,712 --> 01:23:46,962 - I don't know, it was kind of a, sort of a groan. 1700 01:23:47,046 --> 01:23:48,629 Sort of (groans). 1701 01:23:48,712 --> 01:23:49,879 - Must have been Albert. 1702 01:23:49,962 --> 01:23:51,796 (group laughing) 1703 01:23:51,879 --> 01:23:54,421 - If it's serious, they'll groan again, right? 1704 01:23:54,504 --> 01:23:55,712 - Here, come on, you lot. 1705 01:23:55,796 --> 01:23:58,254 It's two o'clock. It's time we was off. 1706 01:23:58,337 --> 01:23:59,921 They're not gonna keep that hole open forever. 1707 01:24:00,004 --> 01:24:03,421 - No no no, don't go. Let's have one more drink. 1708 01:24:03,504 --> 01:24:05,837 - We can have that when we come back, can't we? 1709 01:24:06,921 --> 01:24:08,296 Besides, Rangers are at home this afternoon. 1710 01:24:08,379 --> 01:24:09,962 We don't wanna get caught up in all that traffic. 1711 01:24:10,046 --> 01:24:12,754 - Just one more drink. It won't take long. 1712 01:24:12,837 --> 01:24:14,254 Dear old pal, jolly old pal. 1713 01:24:15,671 --> 01:24:17,379 - Harold, we know how you feel. 1714 01:24:17,462 --> 01:24:19,712 We don't wanna see him go under no more than what you do. 1715 01:24:19,796 --> 01:24:22,129 But let's face it, Son, he is dead. 1716 01:24:22,212 --> 01:24:23,462 And it's not gonna help matters 1717 01:24:23,546 --> 01:24:24,837 leaving him around here, is it? 1718 01:24:24,921 --> 01:24:26,462 - Dear old pals. 1719 01:24:26,546 --> 01:24:27,629 - He's gotta go under, Harold. 1720 01:24:27,712 --> 01:24:29,462 Otherwise, he'll stink the bleeding place up. 1721 01:24:29,546 --> 01:24:31,754 - Like he did when he was alive. 1722 01:24:31,837 --> 01:24:33,629 - All I'm saying is let's have one more drink. 1723 01:24:33,712 --> 01:24:35,296 That's not going to make us late. 1724 01:24:35,379 --> 01:24:38,671 - Harold, if we have one more drink, we're all going 1725 01:24:38,754 --> 01:24:40,879 to fall down the bleeding hole with him, isn't we? 1726 01:24:40,962 --> 01:24:43,046 Now come on, let's get this pouring out of here. 1727 01:24:43,129 --> 01:24:45,046 (knocking on wood) 1728 01:24:45,129 --> 01:24:47,587 - [Harold] Daddy. Daddy? 1729 01:24:47,671 --> 01:24:48,421 Daddy! 1730 01:24:48,504 --> 01:24:51,421 (group chattering) 1731 01:24:54,337 --> 01:24:57,171 (Harold shouting) 1732 01:24:58,587 --> 01:24:59,337 No. 1733 01:24:59,421 --> 01:25:00,171 - Get it on, now. 1734 01:25:00,254 --> 01:25:02,212 It's freezing cold out there. 1735 01:25:02,296 --> 01:25:06,171 Just be a good boy, and put it on. 1736 01:25:06,254 --> 01:25:08,504 - Wake up! Wake up! 1737 01:25:08,587 --> 01:25:10,587 - Pick it up a bit, George. That's it. 1738 01:25:12,254 --> 01:25:14,796 It's a nice bit of wood, Harold. 1739 01:25:14,879 --> 01:25:17,712 (group chattering) 1740 01:25:17,796 --> 01:25:20,462 (group singing) 1741 01:25:25,754 --> 01:25:28,004 (groaning) 1742 01:25:29,879 --> 01:25:32,796 (group chattering) 1743 01:25:37,796 --> 01:25:39,254 - There you go. 1744 01:25:39,337 --> 01:25:41,629 (group singing) 1745 01:25:41,712 --> 01:25:42,712 - No no. 1746 01:25:42,796 --> 01:25:46,129 - No, you're in the first car, Harold, behind the deceased. 1747 01:25:46,212 --> 01:25:47,171 - Daddy! 1748 01:25:47,254 --> 01:25:48,087 Daddy! 1749 01:25:49,629 --> 01:25:51,171 - Up you go in there, lad. 1750 01:25:51,254 --> 01:25:54,337 - Don't worry, Harold. He's not dead. 1751 01:25:55,587 --> 01:25:56,337 - Eh? 1752 01:25:56,421 --> 01:25:57,671 - No, he's only sleeping. 1753 01:25:58,587 --> 01:26:00,504 - Oh yes, I know he is. 1754 01:26:02,296 --> 01:26:03,837 Lazy bleeder. 1755 01:26:03,921 --> 01:26:06,587 (group singing) 1756 01:26:09,629 --> 01:26:12,087 - [Lennie] Come on, we're gonna be late! 1757 01:26:12,171 --> 01:26:15,087 (group chattering) 1758 01:26:19,212 --> 01:26:21,879 (group singing) 1759 01:26:33,754 --> 01:26:35,587 - Let me through, let me through. 1760 01:26:35,671 --> 01:26:37,587 Now I gotta get off. I gotta get off. 1761 01:26:37,671 --> 01:26:39,421 Please, can you get me through? Thank you. 1762 01:26:39,504 --> 01:26:40,629 - Harold. 1763 01:26:40,712 --> 01:26:43,379 (group singing) 1764 01:26:46,004 --> 01:26:47,504 (belching) 1765 01:26:47,587 --> 01:26:49,879 - Give it here. 1766 01:26:49,962 --> 01:26:51,962 (Harold shouting) 1767 01:26:52,046 --> 01:26:53,379 - Harold. 1768 01:26:53,462 --> 01:26:54,296 Harold! 1769 01:26:58,879 --> 01:27:01,546 (group singing) 1770 01:27:06,087 --> 01:27:07,296 Won't you have a little? 1771 01:27:07,379 --> 01:27:08,629 That'll pick up. 1772 01:27:08,712 --> 01:27:11,379 (group singing) 1773 01:27:17,837 --> 01:27:20,754 (group chattering) 1774 01:27:22,921 --> 01:27:25,587 (group singing) 1775 01:27:28,796 --> 01:27:30,212 Sit down, Harold. 1776 01:27:31,212 --> 01:27:32,629 Harold, sit down. 1777 01:27:47,962 --> 01:27:49,212 - Daddy! Daddy! 1778 01:27:51,212 --> 01:27:53,212 Daddy! Wake up, wake up! 1779 01:27:57,712 --> 01:27:58,796 - Get back on that cart. 1780 01:27:58,879 --> 01:28:00,087 You're not gonna wake him up. 1781 01:28:00,171 --> 01:28:01,587 - [Harold] Daddy! 1782 01:28:08,129 --> 01:28:10,796 (group singing) 1783 01:28:15,212 --> 01:28:16,296 - Whoa, whoa. 1784 01:28:21,087 --> 01:28:24,046 (horse nickering) 1785 01:28:24,129 --> 01:28:24,962 Harold. 1786 01:28:31,671 --> 01:28:33,087 Come on. 1787 01:28:33,171 --> 01:28:34,421 (yawning) 1788 01:28:34,504 --> 01:28:36,837 - [Harold] Wake up! Wake up! 1789 01:28:38,879 --> 01:28:41,546 (group singing) 1790 01:28:54,254 --> 01:28:55,671 - Hey, stop them! 1791 01:28:57,337 --> 01:28:59,379 Chris, hang about! 1792 01:28:59,462 --> 01:29:02,379 (group chattering) 1793 01:29:10,546 --> 01:29:11,837 We better carry on then, haven't we? 1794 01:29:11,921 --> 01:29:13,671 What if he comes out? 1795 01:29:15,462 --> 01:29:17,837 We have time to dig another hole, just in case. 1796 01:29:19,212 --> 01:29:21,754 Take him over to hospital, will you? Go on. 1797 01:29:23,212 --> 01:29:24,296 Hey, hang about. 1798 01:29:24,379 --> 01:29:27,296 (group chattering) 1799 01:29:45,129 --> 01:29:48,212 (church organ music) 1800 01:30:00,421 --> 01:30:02,087 - Please follow me. 1801 01:30:04,212 --> 01:30:08,379 I am the resurrection and the life, said the Lord. 1802 01:30:08,462 --> 01:30:11,629 He that believeth in me, though he were dead, 1803 01:30:11,712 --> 01:30:13,504 yet shall he live. 1804 01:30:13,587 --> 01:30:14,921 (groaning) 1805 01:30:15,004 --> 01:30:16,379 - You okay, baby? 1806 01:30:16,462 --> 01:30:18,004 - What happened? 1807 01:30:18,087 --> 01:30:20,962 - You're all right, old chap. No cause for alarm. 1808 01:30:21,046 --> 01:30:22,129 - Where am I? 1809 01:30:22,212 --> 01:30:24,296 - In hospital, of course. Where else? 1810 01:30:24,379 --> 01:30:26,254 - I was going to a funeral? 1811 01:30:26,337 --> 01:30:29,212 - No no, no, you are not dead yet. 1812 01:30:29,296 --> 01:30:30,629 - [Vicar] Of whom may we seek of succour 1813 01:30:30,712 --> 01:30:32,796 but of Thee, oh Lord? 1814 01:30:32,879 --> 01:30:33,962 Who for our sins-- 1815 01:30:34,046 --> 01:30:36,962 (group chattering) 1816 01:30:41,046 --> 01:30:43,921 - I was going to a funeral. 1817 01:30:44,004 --> 01:30:46,629 I was going to a funeral! 1818 01:30:46,712 --> 01:30:49,962 - [Vicar] In my flesh, shall I see God. 1819 01:30:50,046 --> 01:30:54,462 Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, 1820 01:30:54,546 --> 01:30:55,962 and not another. 1821 01:30:56,046 --> 01:30:57,171 - You had 10 stitches. 1822 01:30:57,254 --> 01:30:58,879 I must insist you get back on the trolley. 1823 01:30:58,962 --> 01:31:00,671 - Yeah, but my father's being buried. 1824 01:31:00,754 --> 01:31:03,587 If I don't get there in time, he'll be dead. 1825 01:31:03,671 --> 01:31:05,296 - A harder knock than we thought? 1826 01:31:06,629 --> 01:31:09,254 (shouting) 1827 01:31:09,337 --> 01:31:12,087 (group shouting) 1828 01:31:14,837 --> 01:31:19,587 - The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away. 1829 01:31:21,462 --> 01:31:24,546 Blessed be the name of the Lord. 1830 01:31:24,629 --> 01:31:29,129 So when this corruptible shall put on incorruption, 1831 01:31:29,212 --> 01:31:32,212 and this mortal shall have put on immortality, 1832 01:31:33,546 --> 01:31:36,046 then shall be brought to pass the saying 1833 01:31:36,129 --> 01:31:40,296 that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. 1834 01:31:41,212 --> 01:31:43,296 Behold, I show you a mystery. 1835 01:31:44,379 --> 01:31:46,254 We shall not all-- 1836 01:31:46,337 --> 01:31:49,712 - Blimey, he's got a bleeding cheek coming here. 1837 01:31:49,796 --> 01:31:51,754 - Yeah, what's he doing here? 1838 01:31:51,837 --> 01:31:54,254 - Who is he? - Frankie Barrow. 1839 01:31:59,754 --> 01:32:01,212 - Hey, where are you going? 1840 01:32:01,296 --> 01:32:03,379 Kent Sunrise Cemetery and hurry! 1841 01:32:03,462 --> 01:32:04,921 - Don't be a silly boy. Go on back in there. 1842 01:32:05,004 --> 01:32:06,212 - No, I'm all right. 1843 01:32:06,296 --> 01:32:09,087 My father's being buried. I've gotta be there in 10 minutes! 1844 01:32:09,171 --> 01:32:11,879 - All right, all right. Keep your turban on. 1845 01:32:11,962 --> 01:32:12,879 (groaning) 1846 01:32:12,962 --> 01:32:17,087 - In the morning, it is green and groweth up. 1847 01:32:17,171 --> 01:32:22,129 But in the evening, it is cut down, dried up and withered. 1848 01:32:22,212 --> 01:32:23,087 - I know the feeling. 1849 01:32:23,171 --> 01:32:24,254 - [Woman] Sh! 1850 01:32:25,629 --> 01:32:27,462 - Come on, come on! 1851 01:32:27,546 --> 01:32:29,546 Faster, faster! Move it! 1852 01:32:31,754 --> 01:32:34,879 (brakes squealing) 1853 01:32:34,962 --> 01:32:37,421 - [Vicar] Who for our sins are justly displeased. 1854 01:32:38,879 --> 01:32:40,921 For as much as it has pleased almighty God 1855 01:32:41,004 --> 01:32:43,962 of His great mercy to take unto Himself 1856 01:32:44,046 --> 01:32:47,129 the soul of our brother here departed, 1857 01:32:47,212 --> 01:32:49,004 we therefore commit his body to the ground. 1858 01:32:49,087 --> 01:32:49,921 - Stop! 1859 01:32:51,879 --> 01:32:54,212 (screaming) 1860 01:32:55,879 --> 01:32:59,129 (vicar groaning) 1861 01:32:59,212 --> 01:33:00,671 Terribly sorry. 1862 01:33:00,754 --> 01:33:01,921 Wrong funeral. 1863 01:33:05,254 --> 01:33:07,712 - For as much as it has pleased almighty God 1864 01:33:07,796 --> 01:33:10,546 of His great mercy to take unto Himself the soul 1865 01:33:10,629 --> 01:33:13,462 of our dear brother here departed, 1866 01:33:15,504 --> 01:33:18,837 we therefore commit his body to the Earth, 1867 01:33:18,921 --> 01:33:21,046 that it may be like unto his glorious body, 1868 01:33:22,046 --> 01:33:24,254 according to the mighty workings 1869 01:33:24,337 --> 01:33:29,337 whereby He is able subdue all things to Himself. 1870 01:33:30,796 --> 01:33:34,254 I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, 1871 01:33:34,337 --> 01:33:36,546 Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord, 1872 01:33:37,629 --> 01:33:39,921 for they rest from their labours. 1873 01:33:41,337 --> 01:33:44,629 Unto us, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. 1874 01:33:45,837 --> 01:33:49,212 In sure and certain hope of the resurrection 1875 01:33:49,296 --> 01:33:53,087 to eternal life through our Lord, Jesus Christ. 1876 01:33:53,171 --> 01:33:55,921 (dramatic music) 1877 01:34:10,671 --> 01:34:12,046 (screaming) 1878 01:34:12,129 --> 01:34:14,962 (group panicking) 1879 01:34:19,754 --> 01:34:23,421 - Get off, you dirty soppy great thing. 1880 01:34:23,504 --> 01:34:25,921 (group screaming) 1881 01:34:26,004 --> 01:34:28,837 - Shut up, you silly cow! Shut up! 1882 01:34:30,046 --> 01:34:32,337 - Shut up, will you? Shut up! 1883 01:34:32,421 --> 01:34:35,504 (church organ music) 1884 01:34:37,421 --> 01:34:40,337 (mysterious music) 1885 01:34:56,421 --> 01:34:57,671 - Now about the policy. 1886 01:34:57,754 --> 01:34:59,337 - Yeah, well, there was a snag. 1887 01:34:59,421 --> 01:35:00,379 - Snag? 1888 01:35:00,462 --> 01:35:03,171 - Well you see, after a tremendous amount of research, 1889 01:35:03,254 --> 01:35:05,379 we managed to trace Mrs. Piecraft. 1890 01:35:05,421 --> 01:35:08,212 But luckily, your father had made it a condition 1891 01:35:08,296 --> 01:35:11,421 that the money would not go to her if she ever remarried. 1892 01:35:11,504 --> 01:35:12,837 And I'm glad to say that she has. 1893 01:35:12,921 --> 01:35:16,712 - Oh, oh, in that case, I could have buried him after all. 1894 01:35:17,629 --> 01:35:20,296 - Anyway, the policy now reverts back to Mr. Steptoe. 1895 01:35:20,379 --> 01:35:22,337 Now are you quite sure that you want to cash it in? 1896 01:35:22,421 --> 01:35:23,546 - [Harold] Yes, he does. 1897 01:35:23,629 --> 01:35:25,796 - The surrender value is, of course, not as much as you 1898 01:35:25,879 --> 01:35:28,546 would have received in the event of Mr. Steptoe's death. 1899 01:35:28,629 --> 01:35:29,754 - Well, we'd rather have the conquers. 1900 01:35:29,837 --> 01:35:31,712 You see, we find ourself at this moment 1901 01:35:31,796 --> 01:35:34,337 in a rather embarrassing pecuniary situation. 1902 01:35:34,421 --> 01:35:35,546 - Yeah, we're skint. 1903 01:35:35,629 --> 01:35:36,421 - Potless. 1904 01:35:36,504 --> 01:35:37,171 - Quite. 1905 01:35:37,212 --> 01:35:40,379 Well, if you would just sign the release form here. 1906 01:35:40,837 --> 01:35:42,462 Just there. 1907 01:35:42,671 --> 01:35:43,796 - Make your mark. 1908 01:35:46,671 --> 01:35:48,921 - Now then, here's our check in full settlement, 1909 01:35:49,004 --> 01:35:50,879 876 pounds. 1910 01:35:50,962 --> 01:35:53,671 - Thank you very much, goodbye. 1911 01:35:53,754 --> 01:35:54,796 - I was going to discuss the advisability 1912 01:35:54,879 --> 01:35:56,379 of taking out a new policy. 1913 01:35:56,462 --> 01:35:57,837 - I know, thank you. 1914 01:35:57,921 --> 01:35:59,546 - You can pay by monthly instalments. 1915 01:35:59,629 --> 01:36:00,379 - We're fully covered, thank you. 1916 01:36:00,462 --> 01:36:01,504 - You can insure each other. 1917 01:36:01,587 --> 01:36:02,921 - No no, no thank you. 1918 01:36:03,004 --> 01:36:04,379 - Personal accident, now that's a good one. 1919 01:36:04,462 --> 01:36:05,421 - No thank you. 1920 01:36:05,504 --> 01:36:06,254 - Personal indemnity. 1921 01:36:06,337 --> 01:36:07,629 If you're worried one of your tiles fall down 1922 01:36:07,712 --> 01:36:08,837 on one of your neighbor's heads. 1923 01:36:08,921 --> 01:36:13,421 - We don't like the neighbours, goodbye. 1924 01:36:13,504 --> 01:36:14,421 876 nickers. 1925 01:36:15,296 --> 01:36:17,837 Money, money, money, money, money! 1926 01:36:17,921 --> 01:36:19,879 (horse nickering) 1927 01:36:19,962 --> 01:36:20,796 - Not bad. 1928 01:36:21,962 --> 01:36:23,712 Really good. 1929 01:36:23,796 --> 01:36:24,629 How much? 1930 01:36:24,712 --> 01:36:25,462 - 80 quid. 1931 01:36:25,546 --> 01:36:27,046 - You did well there. 1932 01:36:27,129 --> 01:36:27,879 Where's the change? 1933 01:36:27,962 --> 01:36:32,421 - Oh, well, I, uh, I invested it. 1934 01:36:32,504 --> 01:36:34,962 - Oh no, Harold, you haven't? 1935 01:36:35,046 --> 01:36:36,129 Not again. 1936 01:36:36,212 --> 01:36:38,171 What have you slung it away on this time? 1937 01:36:40,504 --> 01:36:44,629 - A racehorse, buying a bleeding racehorse. 1938 01:36:44,712 --> 01:36:46,921 - I bought a half-share in a racehorse. 1939 01:36:46,921 --> 01:36:49,796 - You bought a half-share in a racehorse. 1940 01:36:49,879 --> 01:36:52,337 Yeah, and from Frankie Barrow. 1941 01:36:52,421 --> 01:36:55,421 - You wait till he wins this afternoon. We'll be quids in. 1942 01:36:55,504 --> 01:36:56,837 He'll start at 25 to one. 1943 01:36:56,921 --> 01:37:00,254 - Yeah, and he probably won't finish until half past 10. 1944 01:37:00,337 --> 01:37:01,129 (mocking laughter) 1945 01:37:01,212 --> 01:37:04,504 You've been conned again, you great pillock. 1946 01:37:04,587 --> 01:37:06,296 - You don't believe me, do you? 1947 01:37:06,379 --> 01:37:08,254 There it is, see, in black and white. 1948 01:37:08,337 --> 01:37:11,046 This is to certify that Harold Steptoe owns 1949 01:37:11,129 --> 01:37:12,879 a half-share in Excalibur. 1950 01:37:14,004 --> 01:37:16,379 - Yeah, here it is in black and white as well. 1951 01:37:16,462 --> 01:37:20,046 Excalibur, owner H.M. Queen. 1952 01:37:20,046 --> 01:37:23,046 - Yeah, that's him, that's right, H.M. Queen. 1953 01:37:23,129 --> 01:37:24,254 That's my partner. 1954 01:37:24,421 --> 01:37:26,212 We're gonna split half the winnings. 1955 01:37:26,212 --> 01:37:28,212 - H.M. Queen? 1956 01:37:28,254 --> 01:37:30,296 - H.M. Queen. 1957 01:37:30,587 --> 01:37:34,421 - H.M. Queen. 1958 01:37:35,212 --> 01:37:36,879 - [Harold] Oh my God. 1959 01:37:36,962 --> 01:37:41,796 ("God Save the Queen" instrumental music) 1960 01:38:01,004 --> 01:38:03,171 (arguing) 1961 01:38:11,587 --> 01:38:14,171 (upbeat music) 127438

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