Original subtitles

DRAMATIC CHORAL SYMPHONY

DRAMATIC CHORAL SYMPHONY

MECHANISM WHINING

GENTLE WHISTLING

Please! I was just hitchhiking.

Why are you doing this?!

There's blood coming out of my ear!

You'll spin all the blood out of my head!

I'll die!

Yeah, I'm afraid you will.

But look on the bright side, at least you'll be famous.

I don't want to be famous. I want to live!

HE WHISTLES

Well, you know, maybe being a little bit famous would be nice.

Peter Andre famous.

Enough to get a free Nando's.

That's the spirit.

Scream if you want to go faster!

Scream if you want to go faster!

It's music to my ears, boy. No!

SCREAM!

CRAIG SCREAMS

HE CACKLES

WALTZER WHOOSHES HE LAUGHS

Aaargh!

BOLD, JAZZY THEME

BIRDS TWITTERING

Seconds, anyone?

Oh, no more for me, Monica, thanks. I'm full to bursting.

I've got to go to work after this.

Having to work the weekend.

They're making you work the weekend? Oh, don't ask her, Terry,

that's what she wants. I'm currently on a task force,

investigating a triple murder, Terry. Oh!

That's why we work the weekend, to save lives.

Hmm. And what's the biggest case

in your little private investigation agency, Gemma?

Gnomes. Sorry? What was that?

Gnomes.

All right?

And we solved it, actually. Case closed. Hmm!

It was quite interesting, really. Yeah.

Oh? Well, they weren't stealing them,

they were just rearranging them into explicit poses in the night.

Ohh! Explicit? How?

Freddie, shush. Well, one were bent over, one had a fishing rod.

Terry, shush. Oh, ho, that takes me back.

We've not done it like that since Obama got in.

Freddie! Will you please shush?

Well, then we got the dog, and...

Vicky said it was insulting it.

You know, because we were mirroring its sex life,

even though we'd had its equipment lopped off.

Freddie! You had a point, though, didn't you? He used to watch us

with a weird look in his eye. Encouraging me on,

you know, cos I was doing what he could do no longer.

Freddie, I don't think your sisters want to know about our sex life.

We do. We do. Do we?

Vicky sends me upstairs and I exfoliate me whole body

till I'm perfectly clean. Then she comes up, inspects me,

and if I don't meet the standard, I have to stand in the wardrobe

for ten minutes, cos I've let her down. You know, normal.

Freddie, enough! Let him speak! Gemma, while you've been busy

Freddie, enough! Let him speak! Gemma, while you've been busy

looking at copulating little magical people,

in the real police force, we've had bodies found.

In Grassington, Kettlewell, and another one in Aysgarth last night.

Oh. Do you want me to wrap you up some beef, Vicky?

In case you end up in a stand-off with the killers.

It'll be nice to have a beef sandwich

if the snipers get stuck in traffic. Yeah?

Hubberholme.

What? It's number three on the tour.

What tour? Every tour.

Well, every tour of t'Yorkshire Dales.

Grassington, Kettlewell,

Hubberholme, and Aysgarth.

Then there's literally dozens after that.

It's the perennial pensioner's favourite.

An entire county, echoing with the sounds of complaints

delivered through poorly fitted teeth.

Oh. Did you hear that, Gemma?

The force is missing an investigative genius.

Huh. I'll have to bring you into the situation room with me. What, now?

Huh. I'll have to bring you into the situation room with me. What, now?

Monica's got spotted dick and custard for pudding.

She's being sarcastic, Terry.

Oh. You run along to your murders, Vicky -

which, by the way, she hasn't solved.

We're, erm, working today as well, aren't we? Yeah. Well...

Going undercover, actually. Yeah.

Hi!

Just be cool.

Just be cool...

Puppies aren't stealing themselves from this pet shop.

If you see a puppy-napper, just bark.

But what if they throw a ball, Gemma?

I'm a dog now. I owe it to my newly adopted species to run after it.

I'm a dog now. I owe it to my newly adopted species to run after it.

Look, I know it's not the most glamorous job we've ever done,

but a few more of these - well, a lot more of these -

we can get out of me sister's place, pay for the wedding...

I love that you're excited about the wedding.

Come here. Give us a kiss. Aww. And maybe...

a rub of me tummy. SHE SNORTS

Oh. Oh...

Oh, Terry... I can't see.

Yeah. Right, which way are you going? Just go to the left. What?

Your left or mine?

Help!

Please help!

Argh! Shush now, I'll be with you in a second.

Still no news, Chief Inspector. Oh.

The victims weren't friends, they worked in different places.

They had no past relationships that would connect them in any way.

OK, OK. Might we just get lucky and he might get bored and give up?

OK, OK. Might we just get lucky and he might get bored and give up?

Yeah. SHE LAUGHS HEARTILY

No, I don't think so, Ma'am.

Right. Shame.

See, that's the trouble with serial killers, isn't it?

They just never seem to know when enough's enough.

We've got another body. Oh...

Hubberholme.

Hubberholme... What?

It's number three on the tour.

Oh, God, no.

Thanks, Marcus.

Do you know what I think, Sergeant? I think any connection at the moment

would be a great help. I mean, nobody told me

this job would be so difficult.

Criminals don't seem to want to be caught these days.

Scenic coach tours, Chief Inspector.

Oh, great idea. I would bloody love one.

Get me out of this mess. No, the locations.

They're along the routes of the Yorkshire Dales coach tours.

They start in Grassington, then Kettlewell,

Hubberholme, Aysgarth,

and then onwards from there. Oh...

Fantastic! Finally, a connection!

Well done, sausage!

So, er, where are they going next?

Well, that information,

it came from...a source.

SHE GASPS An informant.

Ooh, bring them in! I bloody love an informant!

Yes, Ma'am. There's something sexy about them, isn't there?

A cloaked figure, nestled in a world of darkness,

reaching out to us to put things right.

Oh, I bet he's a right swarthy charmer, eh?

Look at yourselves. You could have at least taken your heads off.

Well, we can't, they're sewn into the costumes.

It's either this or vest and knickers, I'm afraid.

Anyway, you're the one who asked for our expert knowledge.

So you're our experts, then?

Nice outfits.

I'm actually part of a club where we dress up in something similar.

Have a few drinks.

See what happens.

It's not a sex thing. Right.

We'll say no more about it, then.

This is Terry Bremmer, everybody. I'm his fiancee, Gemma.

Hi. Right.

Victim number one.

Found in Grassington.

Spun to death on a Waltzer.

SCREAMING

MANIACAL CACKLE

Victim number two, in Kettlewell.

Tied to a windscreen,

then flayed alive. Took all the skin off his skull.

SHRIEKING

SCREAMING AND SLICING

MANIACAL CACKLE

Number three.

Crushed between the doors,

Aysgarth Monastery.

METALLIC RATTLE

MANIACAL CACKLE

And our fourth unlucky chap

was found in the foghorn at Foggerty Falls Foghorn Museum,

smack-bang in the middle of Hubberholme.

HORN BLASTS

MANIACAL CACKLE

VICTIM WAILS

BASS HORN BELLOWS

MANIACAL CACKLE

And...that's all we've got so far. So, er, just relax,

And...that's all we've got so far. So, er, just relax,

tell us what you know, and remember that lives are at stake

and it's all down to you. Go!

What? Me? No!

Hello. FEEDBACK WHINES

Well, erm, it's just that I noticed

that these four places are the first four stops

for dozens of coach tours around the Yorkshire Dales.

And you're going to tell us where the fifth location is,

aren't you? No. No?

What do you mean, no? Then what is the point of you?!

I've got an idea. Shove over.

Right... Now, from these four points,

there's only a limited amount of tours that you could be part of.

Yeah? So our fella is either part of the tourist industry

Yeah? So our fella is either part of the tourist industry

or he's got a grudge against people in the tourist industry.

Ma'am, he's on the phone.

Our boy. Knows details of the killings we haven't made public.

Right. You talk to him. You're the expert.

Nice outfit. There's actually a few of us that get... No! OK.

Leave it, he's not one of us.

Right, put the call through.

So, keep him on the line for as long as you can.

Oh, and quick reminder,

innocent lives are depending on you, but...no pressure.

Hiya...

Hi!

You all right?

THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT: I am more than all right, Mr Policeman.

I'm just tickety-boo.

So, are you, er...

calling about another murder, or just a...general chit-chat?

Oh, I just thought I'd check in,

see how badly you're doing at catching me.

We found the Hubberholme body.

Been there for a while, hadn't they?

Oh, aye. You are terribly out of sequence.

So, Aysgarth...

Where are we going next?

I mean, either way you look at it,

you've got to be on the A684.

But then, you'd get stuck in...

BOTH: The one-way system next to the pie shop.

So you know your pie shops, then?

It has been said, yeah.

THIN BRITISH ACCENT: Bloody hell, it's Terry Bremmer!

THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT: You're too late to save this one, sadly.

But don't worry, there'll be more.

Much, much more.

Yeah, well, maybe there will, or maybe there won't.

Or maybe we'll catch you before the next one.

And then, the only pie shop

you'll be visiting, my friend, is the one...

..in prison.

They've got pie shops in prison? No.

Well, no, what I meant was, like...

..you will probably be arrested.

Oh! "Probably".

By the time this is over, you will eat your words.

By the time this is over, you will eat your words.

Bye, now.

No, look, mate, listen, hang on...

Couldn't trace him, Ma'am. Oh...

"Eat my words."

"Eat my w...

"..words."

Gemma, I am going to eat my words.

Gemma, I am going to eat my words.

Sorry, are you admitting defeat? Only, I was thinking of

admitting defeat, so if you want to go first, I'd be bang up for that!

Gemma. I don't...

You used to say it.

But only when we were passing...

Oh, my God!

Albert Dickensthwaite!

Right! We have a name! Get him arrested!

Oh, I knew we could do it. Well done, everyone.

I'm off for a gin. Anyone else?

Any gin? Good stuff! She's happy this time.

I am. No, no, no, no.

Dickensthwaite was a foundry owner in the 1800s. Oh.

He was one of those Victorian eccentrics

who believed that you could absorb intelligence through your stomach.

So, every day, he'd eat a book for dinner.

Yeah, until he died of ink poisoning.

There's a statue of him in Shelmondbury, right, with him

holding the last bell that was ever made at the foundry.

But whenever we passed through,

Gemma always got to say to the passengers...

I guess Albert really did eat his own words!

It's one of my favourite jokes.

And did the passengers laugh?

Oh, yeah!

Right, well, you heard the man! We're off to Shelmondbury.

You're coming too.

Ooh, yes! Another victim!

RADIO CHATTER

Time for the sniffer dogs, is it, Ma'am?

SHE SIGHS Very funny.

Nice outfit. There's a few of us get together... Get out!

Right, shall we, er,

examine the body, then?

Now, that is a bloody big bell.

It goes ding, ding, ding.

HAUNTING WHISTLING

Oh, the cheeky little sod!

He's doing The Wheels On The Bus!

The song? "The wheels on the bus go round and round."

SCREAMING

"The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish."

MANIACAL CACKLE

"The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep."

HORN BLARES MANIACAL CACKLE

And the doors on the bus, Gemma,

open and close.

And now the bell on the bus goes...

Ding...

..ding, ding.

He's killing people according to the verses of the song.

And he's using a coach tour map.

Your boy is a coach driver.

Huh? Is that a lead?

If he's a coach driver...

..we could help you further, if you like.

We were part of that world for years. They know us, they trust us.

We could go undercover. Can we?

I mean, look at us!

We've got experience.

That would be great. Oh!

Just knowing that you two are prepared to take the blame

when this all goes tits-up. Oh... I mean, I know it's not normal,

but what else can I do? You two are my last resort. Ha!

Did you hear that, Terry? We're her last resort.

That means they need us.

Yay.

EPIC ORCHESTRAL CHORDS

Hey, I've found half a sausage roll in me pocket. Don't eat it.

I wasn't going to.

SIGHING: Right.

Back on a coach.

I know we thought we'd left the coach life behind,

and it's going to be awful...

..but we can get through it.

SIGHING: You ready? Yeah.

The smell of diesel,

life on the open road,

shouting at road workers...

Back to the good old days.

The good old days? I thought THESE were the good old days!

Well, the good new days. Are these new days not the good new days?

Sorry, I got confused!

When we had money, and job security. Mm.

Awful times.

We realise you can't be a coach operator

without a coach, so...

..we rustled something up for you. I hope it's suitable.

ROCK GUITAR

Marcus, keys. There you go, cowboy.

KEY CLATTERS ON FLOOR

And you'll be happy to know

I'm sending a qualified police officer to go with you.

No.

NOOO!

Are you enjoying yourself? CHUCKLING: Yeah!

Makes me think you might want to go back to it.

Er... No! No... No.

Just so we're clear,

you're not my sister-in-law any more, or a police officer,

you're my employee.

Gemma, I've done undercover work before.

It's all about living the character.

Well, if you can find it in yourself to "live" the character of

my subordinate on a tour bus,

you can make me a coffee. That's really not how it works.

Subordinate. Coffee.

This is my world, Vicky.

You're a tour guide now, so it's dry shampoo

till it looks manageable and wet wipes on your stinky bits.

How are you liking your new coach, then?

It's having its moments.

Is this your plan, to just hang around a services?

Are we going to talk an old man into buying us cigarettes as well?

Oh, Vicky. For a supposed investigator,

you've got a lot to learn.

There's a place, a secret place,

a place that I thought we'd sworn never to go back to.

Terry.

You ready? Oh, yeah.

SHE SIGHS

SHE KNOCKS RHYTHMICALLY

Hiya!

LOCKS CLANKING

This...

..is the special place.

LOCKS CLICKING DOOR OPENS

MUSIC: A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley

This...

..is the tour operators' lounge. Ever wondered where we go

when you stop for a comfort break? Right here.

Some would say it's a sacred temple of the road.

Now, just blend in.

I've formed a very close, special bond with these people.

Hi!

Oh, look who it is. Miss High and Mighty Gemma Draper.

Cheeky, filthy madam.

Yeah, she is cheeky.

And filthy.

Close special bond, is it?

Who's this? Oh, this is Vicky.

Our trainee. Ooh, she's got a trainee now, has she?

She's not expensive.

Failed her exams, then her boyfriend left her.

She tried to train as a beautician but, as you can see,

she's not got the face for it.

Yes, I see what you mean.

No pride in her looks.

All right? All right? All right?

Hiya.

So...

..what's the goss in the tour community, then?

The bottom fell out of our chemical toilet,

but it's fine. My Tony fixed it.

Just left the hole.

Turns out the old folk like to feel the breeze on their bits.

Sometimes, you can hear them whooping like they're on

a roller-coaster. We're doing a new tour. Botox, Detox and Goldilocks.

a roller-coaster. We're doing a new tour. Botox, Detox and Goldilocks.

It's like a mobile spa,

but we read you a story at the end. This is ridiculous.

Yeah, they're all the rage, the rhyming titles.

I'm doing Mums, Bums and Tums. "Exercise while we drive.

"Work your pelvic floors as we cross the moors."

We tried doing a "Gammon, Salmon and Famine" tour,

but by the time they'd had the gammon and the salmon,

people said the Famine Museum was in poor taste.

The big news is...

..the roadworks on the A346.

Ooh, yeah! They reckon they've done them properly,

but there's no way you can get a coach through them. Aye.

Roadworks, eh? Bloody hell!

Stop the press. Doesn't affect me.

I've hated that road since it opened.

I prefer the old-fashioned routes.

So, there weren't nothing more about murder.

The only thing they've killed is the art of conversation.

You're both utterly useless.

Right, I'm taking charge. You can't.

I'm going into character.

Watch and learn.

Vicky, wait! Let her go, Terry.

Let her go. This is going to be brilliant.

VACUOUSLY: O M to the G!

I don't know about you girls, but I'm all coached out.

Ooh, I'll tell you what goss I've heard.

Apparently, there's been people killing people.

Isn't that mad? Isn't that just mad?!

And I think someone should do something about it,

for the good of everyone else. But that's just me, that's what I think.

Sometimes, you just have to accuse people of doing something

for the common good, do you know what I mean? No.

Yeah, you do.

Having a private meeting, are we?

Those lot might have their little bits of gossip,

but the real news is the murders.

Oh, terrible, aren't they?

Everyone's talking about them.

Oh? Who's talking that talk?

Would you have a list, maybe a detailed description? Oh, yes.

One suspect, devilishly handsome,

charm oozing from every pore.

It's me. I'm the murderer.

"I'm the one responsible for the five deaths, Clarice."

HE CHATTERS

Give over, Willy! You're the sanest coach driver we know.

If you're the murderer, we're all in trouble. I just hope

they catch him quickly. I'm supposed to be driving tomorrow,

and...I don't really want to be on the road

with a murderer knocking about. Those mums, bums and tums

will be clenching extra tight, eh?

Hmm!

Ooh, a song! Let's sing a song, yeah?

I think this one's got too many miles on her, Gemma.

And see how it makes us feel

and what actions it might make us feel like taking. I'll start.

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# Round and round Round and round

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# All... # Right, we've got to go.

It's lovely to see you all. Catch up soon, yeah?

Anybody feeling anything yet? Anything murderous, yeah?

# All day long...

# The wheels on the bus go round and round! #

What the hell was that?! I was singing the song

to see if anyone reacted to it. Everyone reacted to it, Vicky.

Well, somebody had to do something. We haven't found out anything!

Well, yes, we have, Vicky. The A346 is unpassable by coach.

That means you can't get to the Twydle Tweed tea shop

or the Todmorden Bun Museum. So that's four more tours

we can cross off our list of possibles. Five tours,

actually, Terry. You also can't get to the old Sandgate Asylum.

Although after that little stunt,

we might want to think about dropping Vicky off there. Hmm?

Tss!

RADIO: Morning, campers, it's a new dawn and a new day!

Don't forget, we've got murders all across the Dales,

so you be careful out there!

When I see Vicky today, she is getting it.

This is my collar!

We don't need some rookie coming in

and screwing this operation up for us.

When I say jump, she should say, "How...

"..can I jump?"

Is... Is that how it goes?

Glad to see power's not gone to your head!

PHONE RINGS

Unknown number.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Well, well, well.

Word on the coach tour circuit is

that you certainly seemed to have fun at the old Members' Lounge.

Eh, Terry?

WHISPERS: It's him! What?

He knows me name! Put it on speaker.

I thought I'd give you a fighting chance with this one.

The victim's still alive, for now.

SOBBING: Please help!

Now, now, remember your part.

Like we practised.

# The babies on the bus go...

Wah... Wah! Wa-aah!

NORMAL ACCENT: Good boy. 'Ere, have a rusk.

Thank you.

You say you're giving us a fighting chance.

At least tell us where he is. Oh, Terry...

Talking to you, sometimes, is absolute agony.

Talking to you, sometimes, is absolute agony.

But I'll tell you this.

Whoever finds him is going to be more miserable...

than they've ever been before.

LINE BLEEPS DEAD

Right.

Let's think about what he said.

Talking to me were agony.

Yeah... "Agony."

Get me the map.

Gemma...

I just wanted to look at it.

Right. The last body was found at Shelmondbury. Mm-hm.

We know the A346 isn't passable by coach.

So he's either going to Kirkby Stephen,

Millthrop or Garsdale.

Well, they're all tour stops.

And he said,

"Whoever finds the victim is going to be more miserable

"than they've ever been before."

Oh, my God. What?

I just figured it out.

Terry, I've actually stepped inside the mind of the killer.

Well, quickly, Gemma, step back out

and tell me what you're thinking! Margaret the Misery.

DRAMATIC BELLOWING

The most feared museum manager in all the Dales.

Yep.

Fairfield Mill Torture Museum. Right. Quick, call Henrietta,

they can get there quicker than us.

Well, come on!

SIREN BLARES

Of course. "The babies on the bus."

Please...

..can you make sure you tell my wife HE dressed me like this?

Fair enough. We should untie him. No!

Sorry to be rude,

it's just...he's got me stretched out here,

but if you release the tension, that axe up there...

..it'll drop and cut me in two. Don't panic,

we are trained professionals. Please just try to be calm,

we'll pop you off in a jiffy.

I'm just going to tighten this rope slightly.

HE SCREAMS

That's the second person I've cut in half this year.

Oh, I'm afraid we got here too late.

The trap went off.

And you just found him cut in half?

We did find him, yes, we definitely found him.

There was nothing we could do to help. She's right,

we did nothing to help. Oh... I mean,

it's all part of the job, but...

..it never gets any easier. Don't touch me...

So, er, where next, Terry?

I mean, we must be right behind him by now, surely? Yes?

From Fairfield Mill...

Where to go? Where to go?

Well, these days, there's only one place you can go.

Terry's most hated place.

Oh, God, Gemma, no.

White Scar Caves.

Imagine darkness.

The darkest darkness.

Well, it's like that, with a gift shop.

Terry won't go in, he's afraid of the dark.

Right, let's get a team to White Scar Caves.

Terry's not coming. He's a coward.

Just so you know, I'm not afraid of the dark.

I'm afraid of the tour guide there. She...

..caresses me in the gloom.

JAUNTILY WHISTLING THE WHEELS ON THE BUS

There's got to be more! A connection.

What's the next verse in that song? After the babies on the bus?

Erm, it's... SHE MUMBLES SONG

The mummies on the bus.

Do you mean the mums?

MUFFLED SCREAMS

WHISTLING SLOWER

Oh, God!

With their bums. And tums.

Sorry, you've lost me.

Willy's the one we're after.

He's got a coachload of mums, just like in the song.

AND he actually told us he was the murderer.

Yeah! Pardon? Nothing!

Let's get moving. Let's go!

We'll follow you in the coach.

Are you sure? It's much slower.

I know, but... I really like driving it.

What? Terry!

Focus.

We're hunting a killer, it'll take ages.

Oh, Gemma, please. Please, please, please?

Fine. Your call. Right, we'll see you at the caves.

And can we just get this bugger caught? Because this whole thing is

really starting to do my tits in. SIREN WAILS

TYRES SQUEAL

We did it, Terry.

A whole police department couldn't solve this case and we did it.

Remind me to say those exact same words to Vicky when I see her.

The big news is...

..the roadworks on the A346.

I've hated that road since it opened.

Bugger. You all right? Gem...

..we may have made the tiniest of minor errors.

What?

Have you taken a wrong turn in your super-sweet space coach?

Ha-ha! Yeah.

No, but also...

..there is a chance we might have sent the police to the wrong place.

Where the murderer...isn't.

We've done what?

It's something Willy said the other day.

I prefer the old-fashioned routes.

The Caves are on the A19,

and Willy wouldn't use that road either.

And the old-fashioned route doesn't go to the Caves.

Where does it go?

Dead Man's Drop.

MUSIC: Sancta Mater by Karl Jenkins & Royal Liverpool Philharmonic

WRY, BREATHY CHUCKLE

SIREN WAILS

Well, he's not here.

What?!

Oh, we've dropped a right bollock here.

How are we going to tell Henrietta? Well, I'm going to do

what I've done every other time we've dropped a bollock.

Blag it. PHONE RINGS

Yes?

SHE SQUEAKS: Henrietta!

Hi, babes.

Yeah, TINY change of plan.

So, Terry's had a bit of a brainwave.

So, Watkins is a traditionalist.

He doesn't like new roads.

So Terry's cleverly deduced

that he's at Dead Man's Drop! Dead... Dead Man's Drop?

That's miles away from here. You're closer than we are. I know...

Don't touch me... I know. We're turning round now. Right, OK.

Look, I'm supposed to say if you find him,

don't put yourself in harm's way but, you know,

maybe weigh things up. Have a pop. God loves a trier. ..Go.

SIREN WAILS

All right, bye, then!

EPIC SYMPHONY CONTINUES

FEEDBACK WHINE Well, I hope you've enjoyed

your day out with Willy's Wonder Tours.

And as an additional treat,

in a moment, you are going to roll off this cliff

and plummet to your death. SCREAMING

So, if you've got any feedback and want to fill in a comment card,

please do it quickly.

No need to mention this on TripAdvisor.

And so, the final piece fits exactly into place,

And so, the final piece fits exactly into place,

for what is a spectacle...

..without an audience?

SCREAMING INTENSIFIES

You might want to stop right there.

See, this wire

is attached to the brakes.

One tug and all the mummies on the bus

most certainly will be...

..shush-shush-shushed.

Permanently.

Willy, please stop! These are innocent people,

they don't deserve to die.

Oh, trust you just to see things at face value. It's not the bodies,

Oh, trust you just to see things at face value. It's not the bodies,

it's what they represent.

What, the lyrics to Wheels On The Bus?

It's just a nursery rhyme.

To you, maybe,

but not to people like me and Terry.

Hearing it day in, day out for over 30 years.

I used to be a normal coach driver, me,

just like all the others. High cholesterol and a broken marriage.

just like all the others. High cholesterol and a broken marriage.

But the endless sing-songs,

over and over!

They drill inside your mind!

They make you stray from the dual carriageway of decency

and take the diversion to...

..bloody madness! HE SOBS

WAILS: I've been pretending to be a Scotsman!

He's right.

It gets in your soul, Gem.

You're trying to stop them singing that song, aren't you?

Jackpot. Mothers will tell their children that it's bad luck,

because if people sing the song,

people die.

And I will be a hero to all the coach drivers.

And I will be a hero to all the coach drivers.

There'll be a statue of me on every forecourt,

in every service station up and down the land.

That song plays in my head every night

when I'm trying to get to sleep.

One tug of this wire...

..the brakes come off,

and you will be free of it.

It sounds amazing.

Wha...? Are you agreeing with him?!

We should be stopping people like him!

I'm afraid Terry's with me.

Bye, girls!

TERRIFIED SHRIEKING

I'll keep that song in me head, thanks.

You're not killing all those people!

Terry, no!

Yes, Terry!

Join them!

Join them!

Don't! You'll go over with 'em!

SCREAMING THUNKING

BRAKES SQUEAL

NO!

YES!

YES!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...!

REVERSING BEEP

HORN BEEPS

Terry!

Yes!

SIREN APPROACHES

Right, let's go. Are you quite mad?

He's a murderer.

No, no, I shall stay here, thank you.

Make sure you lock that door when you shut it behind you.

You cut him off, I'm going to kick his head in.

God, I love this job!

THUD

Oh, someone's...

..been...a naughty...boy!

I'm not resisting arrest. I didn't hear!

Hello... Is that the Gazette?

Yes, it's Chief Inspector Henrietta Shepherd calling.

We've caught the killer.

Yes, I'm arresting him right now.

And I must say, I'm being very brave!

Willy Watkins, you're nicked, son.

Oh, that's the best bit.

I love it when she does that bit.

MUFFLED PROTESTS

KNOCKING HYDRAULICS HISS

BOTH: Oh!

HE CHUCKLES

He's my fiance.

THEY CHUCKLE BREATHLESSLY

Oh, you're so brave! Oh. I can't believe it.

I can't believe...

Oh, yes, yes, sorry, I need to...

..to get you untied, yeah.

That's much more important. Ooh!

The funny thing is...

..you lot think it's all over.

Oh, it is over for you, my friend.

We are going to lock you up and throw away the key!

Well, I mean, we're not gonna throw away the key. The keys are really

expensive, did you know that? But what I'm saying is, we're not going

to need the keys for a very long time, because you will be

locked in the cell. Yeah.

Be as smug as you like, copper.

There's a lot more bodies to find...

..and a lot more songs to be sung.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: If you go down to the woods today,

you're in for a big surprise...

What are you on about now?

IN OWN ACCENT: I've killed more people.

They're in the woods. Did you do any training?

You know, when I thought you'd gone off that cliff before,

I was proper gutted.

Gutted? Mm-hm.

Just gutted?

Not heart-broken, or devastated,

to the point where you thought you'd

never find love again? Oh, I'd find love again,

I wasn't worried about that.

Probably with a younger, athletic man,

who ravishes me every day.

What, full-on ravish, or just a...

..quickie, where we leave most of our PJs on?

Oh, fully ravished.

Poor bugger.

SHE GIGGLES

Do you know, when I looked at you,

you seemed to be loving driving the coach today.

Are you sure you don't want to go back to it?

I never want to get on a coach again.

There's something about almost plummeting off of a cliff

that really puts you off. Just...

..sometimes, I think you're only going along with

all this detective agency thing to make me happy.

At first, yeah.

Now, as long as all of our cases are based on

routes of old coach trips,

we could make a fortune.

Yeah.

Oh, God! Do you mind?!

We're in bed! Well...

..sofa bed, but it still says bed in the title.

The Chief Inspector's told me to tell you

that she really can't thank the both of you enough.

And on a personal note, I suppose I have to say thanks as well.

Aw... Nearly made you sick, saying that, didn't it?

Yes... Yes, it did.

SHE CHUCKLES

The Chief Inspector also added that with a bit of training,

there could be a place on the force for a pair like you.

And on a further personal note, I disagree with that.

Well...

..tell her thank you.

That's very kind, but...

..you know, we like to...

..to tread our own path.

Sure, it's a tricky path,

fraught with danger,

but there's a whole world out there that needs our help.

And we're going to give them that help.

Not by sticking to the rule book, oh, no,

but by playing hard and fast. Two mavericks, fighting the fight,

on behalf of the little people!

What, the gnomes?

Are we going back to the gnomes?!

But don't worry,

if you ever need us - in fact, let's just say

next time you need us -

just give us a call and we'll be there.

Except on Tuesday nights.

That's when Gemma's got Zumba.

Terry!

Did I ruin it?

I ruined it, didn't I?

SHE SIGHS