Original subtitles

RAINFALL

WIND HOWLS

BULB FIZZLES

CLOCK TICKS

ELECTRIC CRACKLING

Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Lancashire,

Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Lancashire,

where we lay our scene.

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny.

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Romeo, Romeo.

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

It's a load of old crap, innit, Romeo and Juliet?

If I want to watch a couple of teenagers

have a fallout with their parents, I'll just watch Hollyoaks. Yeah.

It's really overrated, Shakespeare.

They all harp on about him, but it's hardly Death in Paradise.

Now, THAT is a hard-hitting drama.

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

IN NORMAL VOICE: Can someone have a look at this balcony? It's wobbly.

It had better not wobble on the night!

Can we find which of the volunteers built this and sack them?

Is she not a bit old to be playing Juliet?

If she can't see wherefore art her Romeo is,

she should put distance glasses on. This is mild.

A few years back, she was Annie.

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.

Sam...

Sam?

Sam!

And what does Her Majesty request this time?

An ice swan in your dressing room?

Sam, I cannot give a satisfactory Juliet

if I'm offering it from a loose box.

Who could, dear? MAN SCREAMS

HE COUGHS AND RETCHES

Oh, my insides. They're burning.

He's good. Argh!

Urgh! Bernard... I've been poisoned!

Bernard, your character doesn't die. Does he?

Hang on, he's not mucking about.

No, he's inhabiting the character.

You'd have a bigger part

if you hadn't done such a bloody awful audition.

This is amateur dramatics. Be professional.

Ignore her, Bernard, your audition was fine.

As was mine! I'd be Romeo if this talentless idiot's dad

wasn't sponsoring the play.

Right, how can I be talentless, Sam,

if I get the lead in every play that my dad sponsors, hmm?

It's all right, everyone, I'm a nurse.

I can help. Yeah, you're just playing a nurse, Stacey.

Stop being so method. You work in a chip shop.

You are brilliant.

HE GROANS

You'd better call an ambulance.

HE GROANS

I really think he's been poisoned.

Everybody, just be calm. There's no need for drama.

HE WHEEZES

There's been a murder!

MAN GROANS AND GASPS

The victim is 52 years old, male, no known enemies.

The poison seems to have caused some digestive distress,

because he's emptied himself, twice.

She's right. Cleaner's back there in tears.

Monica said that two bakeries provided the backstage food.

Looks like one of them served up poisoned goods.

I'm the actual copper here, Gemma. I say those things, thank you.

ENGINE APPROACHES BRAKES SQUEAL

Well, well, well, the day has finally come, Mr Montgomery,

Well, well, well, the day has finally come, Mr Montgomery,

that your baking has killed someone!

Don't you DARE accuse me, Caplan!

Must have been one of your manky brownies.

Montgomery's your poisoner!

All right, let's keep things friendly.

Accusations like that will lead to a very painful end for you, Caplan.

Accusations like that will lead to a very painful end for you, Caplan.

Oh, is that right?

Come on, son, I will roll you out flat!

Right.

Looks like he's brought a spoon to a rolling pin fight.

I've got 14 inches of solid, British elm.

I've got 14 inches of solid, British elm.

Is that elm? It looks like ash to me.

Well, it might be ash.

There's an Inspector Morse episode about this. 'Am Dram.'

We could be watching it.

What you on about?

You said that I should learn all I could

about investigative methodology. Yeah?

So I have. Been watching box sets while you're at hot yoga.

Go on, I dare you. Do you want this? Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. Do you? Yeah? Yeah.

Gentlemen, please.

I'm asking you to behave like calm, rational bakers.

Dad. Dad!

Leave it. He's not worth it.

Dad, no rolling pins in public. Come on.

I'm trusting you two to take your dads home.

If there's an actual crime here, the police will do what we do best.

We'll...

..get round to it.

Get round to it?!

Listen, it's quite straightforward - arrest him and close his bakery.

Oh, hold me back. Hold me back!

Can you smell that? Yeah. Bullsh...

No, money.

Gentlemen, hi, hi, hi.

We might be able to help you with your little problem.

This might be the time for you to engage in the services of

the north's most underrated investigators. She's right.

We've been rated VERY badly by a LOT of people.

This sounds like industrial espionage, and you're in luck,

because that's something in which we are experts.

Says so on our website. Does it? Well, it will do by morning.

All right, fine.

Meet me at bakery first thing tomorrow morning,

and we'll get to the bottom of...

SHOUTING: ..how HE done this!

Oh, hang on a minute!

If you're working for him, you'll be biased against me.

I'm not having that. I'm hiring you, too.

Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm not sure if it's ethical investigating your own client.

Oh, ethical smethical. Two cases in one day, Terry!

Jackpot! And if we're really lucky,

this whole thing will get a lot worse.

Come on. ENGINES REV

And now...

..the games begin.

BOTTLE CLATTERS

WOMEN LAUGH

DOOR OPENS

TERRY: I'm back.

The looks you get when you haven't got a bag for life.

Oh, Terry, your friend's here.

Hiya.

Oh, God, no.

Terry, you never told me you had such a funny friend.

Simon, you are hilarious. He is!

There'll be loads of stuff he's not told you about, Gemma.

I don't suppose he told you about the time he lost all his savings

on a pyramid scheme selling actual pyramids, did he?

THEY LAUGH

That were your scheme.

You told me pyramids were the house shape of the future.

Said I'd be a pharaoh.

Aww! THEY LAUGH

Or the time we graduated from coach-driving school together!

On his first day, I put superglue on the clip of his seat belt.

On his first day, I put superglue on the clip of his seat belt.

He drove all the way from Wales to Edinburgh,

couldn't get out to go to the toilet once!

Aww!

I had to pee in my shoe and throw it out of the window.

THEY LAUGH

Sorry, Terry. Terry's a little bit jealous,

because I'm a bit of a free spirit, you know?

I mean, I know where I was yesterday,

but I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, you know?

When did you get out of prison? Er, yesterday, yeah.

Prison?

Oh, Simon, what happened?

I...am the victim of identity theft.

I...am the victim of identity theft.

Yeah. Yeah.

Someone had been posing as me, and, well, they'd only gone and

not paid my tax for seven years. Oh! That is awful.

Yes, yeah. Quite a daunting amount of credit card fraud, as well.

But I think most heart-breaking of all was waiting for

my best mate to show up to act as a character witness for me,

but, er...he never came, did he, Terry? No.

Terry!

As an actor, I fake many identities,

but I only ever use my powers for good.

An actor?! Oh, yes, of course.

Do you know, I sensed a certain creative essence in the room. I did!

That's a Glade plug-in.

Terry, I'm getting a real negative vibe from you right now.

Look, I just heard that your coach had blown up,

and I just wanted to make sure you were all right.

See, Terry? That's what friends do. Simon has turned up for you.

See, Terry? That's what friends do. Simon has turned up for you.

Thank you.

So, did you have all your insurance papers in order?

Let me save you some time.

I am skint.

Gemma's skint. Yeah. We're both skint.

You've had a bit of a wasted journey. I'm not skint!

I mean, I'm not well off, but, well, I'd say I'm comfortable.

So, an actor? Oh... Wow!

Well, listen, if you are doing any productions,

you know, I'd love to help out.

Gemma, I can feel my wing taking somebody under it.

THEY LAUGH

See, Terry? Friends.

HAWK SCREECHES

WHIP CRACKS

BULLET RICOCHETS

Right, you take Monty's, I'll take Caplan's.

This is an in-depth investigation.

What's their security system like? Who's got access to the products?

Have they upset anyone lately? Are you ready?

Gemma, I'm investigating a bakery.

I've never been more ready.

Mm!

Oh! Mm!

Yeah. This one's all right, too.

Do you intend to taste every single product we make?

Monty, a man's in hospital.

Possibly because of eating your food.

I'd have to be an idiot not to want to check everything personally.

Mm.

This is Gemma Draper.

Interview one with Phillip Caplan, also known as Cappy,

at the cafe at Caplan's Bakery.

The weather is overcast,

I'm drinking a coffee, Cappy's got a water.

I've got my lucky jumper on. Cappy's looking confused.

Right, so...

..firstly, Cappy, do you have any enemies?

Oh, yes.

You met him last night.

Marshall "Monty" Montgomery.

Awful man, owner of an even more awful bakery, with an idiot son.

Awful man, owner of an even more awful bakery, with an idiot son.

Our families were lifelong rivals.

The feud began 100 years ago,

when our great-great-grandfathers started a war.

They couldn't agree on what goods each bakery could produce,

but as the jams spilt and the bodies piled up,

it were clear they'd forgotten the baker's motto.

"Live and let sieve."

Until eventually... they called a truce.

So, it was decided that Montgomery's would do sweets,

and Caplan's would do savouries.

Ah. Fine.

But the Caplans have always been

an angry, bitter, jealous little bunch.

Monty seems pretty sure you're jealous of his success.

Oh, what a load of old horse...

Shiitake mushroom and butternut squash surprise.

That's what kicked it all off again.

Now, I know that, strictly speaking, it's not a sweet,

but I only done 'em for a trial.

I tried to tell him, but he couldn't give a...

Focaccia. Yeah. He were selling focaccia, as well.

Did he tell you that? That's breaking the rules, that is.

Made me look a right stupid...

Country pie.

If he keeps accusing me of breaking the rules,

I'll make a country pie that'll blow him out of the water.

He needs taking down a peg or two anyway.

Puts all sorts in them savouries.

Cheese, peas. It's disgusting.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Hello, Montgomery's.

Oh, no.

No!

I think there must be some mist...

VOICE ON LINE: I'll never use your bakery again!

Oh, well, I'm very sorry about that.

It was unbelievable!

Dad? What's wrong?

Apparently, our gingerbread men...

SHOUTING: ..have got pubic hair!

Happens.

When they get older.

How could you let this happen, Ray?!

I mean, we're losing money hand over fist here!

I've just upped the insurance, the premiums are killing me.

God, you're such an idiot, boy.

According to the grapevine,

old Monty's gingerbread men have just come of age.

Well, if this gets out,

there's no way he gets that unit in the new shopping centre.

Oh, is that going to be a shopping centre? Gutted.

Oh, is that going to be a shopping centre? Gutted.

I had my fingers crossed for an IKEA.

Well, they'll only allow one bakery.

And we both put bids in.

Julie!

Looks like we're expanding!

Dad, that was the Hepburn funeral, the one we catered for.

Dad, that was the Hepburn funeral, the one we catered for.

The Cornish pasties - they're filled with corn plasters.

What? Eurgh.

Noooo!

They want their money back.

I'm sorry, Gemma. We'll have to continue this later.

Yeah, of course.

He wants a war, I'll give him a war.

Calm down, Dad, everything's going to be all right.

You don't understand!

Hello.

Now, what are you doing here?

I hate him so much!

Dad, please! Not again.

HE ROARS

Oh, Monty!

So, basically there's loads of evidence

both accusing and exonerating both of our main suspects.

I mean, this is classic Bergerac.

They both want that new unit in the shopping centre.

One's got insurance and money worries,

the other's got a security pass for his rival.

I just wish they'd killed someone.

It's always so much easier with a murder.

Well, sadly Bernard's only in a coma.

It's neither one thing or the other, is it?

Bloody selfish is what it is.

Right, Monica's having drinks with the cast,

we'll pop in, see if we can see any potential suspects.

Then, after that, we're doing our first stakeout.

Then, after that, we're doing our first stakeout.

Don't you mean, "steak-bake-out"?

No.

BULB FIZZLES

Do we really have to go to this?

Yes, Terry! It's a professional investigation,

which, thankfully, will involve Prosecco.

All right, Simon?

Taking a little breather?

Our Monica's quite a handful, isn't she? Yeah, yeah.

She's got quite a...intense energy about her, doesn't she?

And her voice, it's quite, erm...

Grating? Yes.

But, you know, in a good way.

You know, it's like she's relentlessly grating off

the harsh outer shell of my heart, you know? Aww!

Why don't you just go and do one, yeah?

You're nowt but a conman and a thief.

I think we need to clear a few things up.

You could've helped me out,

could've stood up for me in court when I needed you.

But you didn't, and my life was taken away from me, so you...

HE CLICKS TONGUE ..owe me a new life.

What? With Monica?

You'd be punishing yourself, mate!

Terry, Monica is a lovely person.

And I can see us being very happy together, in her big house,

watching her big telly, while you keep your big mouth shut.

Well, I'll tell her. And Gemma.

I'll tell them the truth about you.

Then you'll be buggered, won't you? Really?

Uh-huh. Really? Yeah.

OK, well, since we're all about telling the truth,

how do you think Gemma's going to react when I tell her about what me

and you got up to in Dubrovnik?

No.

I was a different man then.

That's not how Gemma's going to see it, though, is it?

So, if you just keep schtum, let me do my thing,

no-one needs to know.

All right?

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

MAN RETCHES VIOLENTLY

MAN: My poor tummy!

What's going on here? They're all being sick!

Very amateur dramatically.

THEY COUGH AND RETCH

It's a claw!

Birds' claws in all the pasties, they're poisoning actors.

A curse is on all of our houses.

Bravo, Monica.

Not only have you robbed yourself, and the audience, might I add,

of my portrayal of Romeo, you've poisoned the cast, twice.

I'll get my dinner elsewhere, thank you.

Somewhere that hasn't got buttholes in the profiteroles.

But I got these from Caplan's! I didn't ask for the bird claw ones!

Do you think that's why they were on special offer?

Well, Sam's on the list of suspects.

And Stacey's producing plenty of evidence. Come on.

Do you think we should buy a car?

Who goes on a stakeout in deck chairs?

Shut up and keep rubbing your hands.

Why am I wearing this?! To blend in.

Gemma, the only way we'd blend in is in a pool with massive tadpoles.

We're going to sit here all night and catch the poisoner.

We're going to sit here all night and catch the poisoner.

Right.

We're needing this, then. Oh.

Here's drink, I drink to thee.

Is that a Shakespeare quote?

Mm. Shakespeare couldn't help himself writing quotes.

Well, this is just coffee.

Well, coffee with a bit of an Irish twist to it.

Ooh.

SHE GASPS Ooh!

Irish? It's liquid bloody Riverdance, that.

Hoo-ha! HE CLEARS THROAT

But more importantly, it'll keep us awake and alert.

Yeah.

HE SNORES

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

You are my special little muffin.

Well, you give me the cream horn.

Oh, really? Are you after having a cinnamon roll with me?

You know it.

I just want us to be together...

..in front of everyone.

Me too, but not with all this poisonous stuff going on,

it's too soon.

Meanwhile, why don't we...?

Oh, Julie, glaze me!

Glaze me like I've never been glazed before.

I'll go and make some syrup, and I want that doughnut to be

right there when I get back.

Don't be long, sweet-cheeks!

Miss you already.

Terry! Terry! HE SNORES

Can we please just have another coffee, and think about this?

Can we please just have another coffee, and think about this?

Come on, down here. MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE

Yeah, towards the creepy music.

Always with the towards.

Oh, Terry!

He's got a doughnut.

Well, technically, it's got him.

THUD

What are you doing here?!

Oh, now that's just showing off.

Please, you cannot tell my father!

He won't understand. You don't know what he's like!

DOOR SLAMS

Come on, after him.

Gemma, he's half-cocked!

Where did he go?

Ray? Oh, well, this is great.

We've sat here all night and all we've uncovered is one naked baker.

Gemma, I saw a man violate a doughnut tonight.

A doughnut. I mean, those are sacred.

It's days like this I wonder,

shouldn't we just go back to running coach trips?

I mean, are we sure about the investigating? Yes, Terry!

We're sure. We decided, remember?

I remember the decision, I mean, I were there.

Just...not sure how involved I was in the making of it.

You said, "Whatever makes you happy."

Look at me, I'm happy.

It's the best decision you've ever made.

Come on then, let's go home. We've blown our cover.

All right.

Just so you know, I read in Cosmopolitan

that two doughnuts is the size that the average woman enjoys.

It's three.

CRUNCHING

HE WHISTLES

HE WHISTLES

HE WHISTLES

Terry thinks we're having an affair, Monica.

I keep telling him we are just friends.

I mean, do I long for my lips to dance across hers?

Of course.

I'd be stupid not to.

But, if stupid is what it takes, then that's what I'll be.

Simon, you'll set my heart racing!

Could you be any more transparent? Eh?

You heard!

You know, this whole poisoning thing could be a conspiracy to

stop me doing my amazing play.

Well, it could be me, then. I mean, it could be Simon.

This poisoning all started when you showed up. It's Sam!

The little boy who always wanted to be Romeo,

and doesn't care who he hurts to get the part.

You're letting this idea run away with itself.

Probably, yes, but we've got nothing else to go on.

Gemma, I'd advise caution.

In the amateur dramatic episode of Hamish Macbeth...

It's bad luck to say Macbeth. Oh.

Oh, never mind that.

Come on, let's go and search Sam's room.

Er, Gemma, I don't do carrying.

So, shall we go through your lines in your dressing room, then?

I mean, after all, that's all we can do.

Anything else would be...

..very, very naughty.

SHE CHUCKLES You devil!

Terry, stay at the door.

Sam was really angry at the party - if he gets here and attacks,

I want you as a buffer between him and me.

Is that all I am, a buffer?

Terry, you're a lot of things to me,

and...yeah, yeah, in this case, you're a buffer.

Oh, that's pretty.

Ah!

TOILET FLUSHES

What's going on?

Oh, I think you know!

Corn plasters, pubic hairs? That's what's going on.

Corn plasters, pubic hairs? That's what's going on.

How did you get that many? Must have took you years.

I bet you're smooth as butter down there.

You can't pin those pubes on me.

Your poisoning days are over, Sam.

You tried to take down two bakeries.

TWO bakeries!

Who hurt you?

Are you mad? Why would I want to poison baked goods?

Revenge, for not getting a part in the play.

You've got delusions of grandeur.

That, coupled with psychotic cooking tendencies,

you might as well be Gordon Ramsay himself.

Oh, my God, I'm good at this. Nailed it!

CAPPY: Get out of my way. I said out of my way!

Where is that blithering idiot Ray? My Julie has gone missing!

Where is that blithering idiot Ray? My Julie has gone missing!

She weren't in work today,

but I found this photo in her bedroom of her

and that son of a baker. Look!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Dear God, they're using an eclair this time.

That's not even my bag. Terry, buffer!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, give over, look.

It's Ray's bag, you idiots.

Look, it's got his name in it. Oh.

What?

Ray is our saboteur!

He's ruining his own dad's business?

He hates working in that bakery. His dad treats him like dirt.

Everyone knows that.

Everybody knows that.

They do this on Lovejoy quite a lot. Yeah?

The son destroys the father.

I mean, it must lead to a lot of awkward Christmas dinners,

but, like, they don't really talk about it,

cos it's not plot-driven or...

Where does my Julie fit in with all this?

Aah, because both you and Monty forbid their love.

God, it's so romantic.

It's like Shakespeare...but with bakers.

Don't you mean, "BAKEspeare"?

He's ruining the bakeries so they can both be free.

He's ruining the bakeries so they can both be free.

Don't worry, we'll find him,

and I have a good idea where to start looking.

Quick, come on.

I've got a stitch!

I know exactly where he is.

MUFFLED SHOUTING: Argh, let me out, please!

ALARM BUZZES Down there, that flour thingy.

He must have climbed in and got stuck.

Yeah, like some sort of weird sexual flour fetish thing.

Well, I was thinking more like when he was cleaning it,

but your theory sounds far more likely.

Help me! Help! THUMPING AND CLATTERING

Help me! Oh, no!

Someone let me out, please!

Help me! Get me out, please!

Oh! The door, open the door!

It says not to open it! I'm about to drown in flour!

The wheel, use the wheel!

Terry, the wheel!

Go, go!

LOCK CLICKS AND GRINDS

Argh! Oh, let me out, please!

No!

Argh!

We found your packet of pubes, Ray.

We know you're the culprit. It wasn't me!

Pubes don't lie, Ray. Pubes don't lie.

I was just doing what I was told! Told? By who?

Julie?!

She said if I let her poison the food here,

she'd do the same at her dad's place,

and then, we could open up our own bakery in the shopping centre

and, like, run it together.

But I told her she was going too far.

So, she threw you in the flour vat?

No, she told me there was a fiver in here.

I went after it and she locked it, and started filling it.

How did she think she'd get away with killing you?

I'm always getting stuck in here. Cleaning it?

No, I, I like the way it feels on my...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cleaning it.

Told you. Yeah.

She's spiked the flapjacks with prawns.

We've got to stop her.

Prawns? Monica, she's allergic to shellfish, she could die!

Prawns? Monica, she's allergic to shellfish, she could die!

I've got the bakery van. Let's go.

It's all right, I'll drive.

I used to be a skilled professional driver.

If you don't count all the points on my licence.

Go, go, go, go.

# Get your motor running

# Head out on the highway

# Looking for adventure

# And whatever comes our way

BELL RINGS

Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the use of an understudy

in part one.

We also apologise for the quality of his performance.

Thanks for stepping in to cover for Ray, wherever he is.

Hey, not a problem.

I didn't expect them to laugh so much.

Oh, they weren't laughing AT you, they were laughing towards you.

I get that a lot, as an actor.

Audiences just love to fling their joy all over me.

You're doing a great job. Why, thank you, my Juliet.

And, may I dare say, new landlady?

SHE GIGGLES

That is, of course, providing I do manage to...land the lady.

No, we mustn't, we mustn't.

Oh, my hero.

# ..but I'd better not touch Don't touch

# I wanna hold you But my senses tell me to stop

# I wanna kiss you But I want it too much... #

Can this not go any faster?

Look, she's built for comfort, not speed. Bit like me.

And him. HE CHUCKLES

What?

# ..poison running through my veins

# You're poison... #

Two minutes till we're back on, Monica.

# I don't wanna break these chains

# I hear you callin' And it's needles and pins

# I wanna hurt you Just to hear you screaming my name

# I wanna hurt you Just to hear you screaming my name

# Don't wanna touch you But you're under my skin

# I wanna kiss you But your lips are venomous... #

Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.

SCREAMING: Stop the play!

MAN: Finally, about bloody time.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Oh, Monica, thank God you're all right.

Of course I am! I mean, I'm sweating a bit,

but I think the lights are just hot.

Where's Julie Caplan? Sam, lights!

Hey.

Julie. We've just found Ray.

Drowning in flour.

Wanna bet the police won't find your fingerprints

on the handle of the flour vat?

Or on this security pass for Monty's?

We've got you, Julie. Your poisoning days are over.

We've got you, Julie. Your poisoning days are over.

Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you, Gemma?

I knew it as soon as I laid eyes on you.

I get by.

She's level-two Sudoku, actually.

Julie? You did this?!

You don't want the bakery when I'm gone?

My yeast will become your yeast!

She wants a fresh start in the shopping centre.

She wants recognition, adoration, free on-site parking.

She wants recognition, adoration, free on-site parking.

He's right, Dad.

I don't want to waste my whole life staring across at my enemy.

Oh, no! I'm going to be looking at my own bright future,

not your dull past.

I'm going to be staring across at a cobbler that also cuts keys.

I'm going to be staring across at a cobbler that also cuts keys.

SHE CROAKS AND WHEEZES

AUDIENCE GASP

MAN: Is she OK? Oh, my God!

Oh... Oh, oh, oh!

She's all swelled-up!

SHE COUGHS I ate the flapjack.

Has anyone got an EpiPen? Oh, Stacey has!

I went through her bag earlier. Hi, Stace.

Is it bad? Because I always wanted to have lip-fillers.

Does it suit me? Yeah!

Yeah, they do. Oh, you're a good sister, Gemma.

And maybe now, you'll be the favourite.

You were never the favourite.

Mum always said we were equal.

She only said that when you were there. Mm.

When you were gone, she said it was...it was me.

When you were gone, she said it was...it was me.

Oh, no, no... No, no!

No! Shift!

SHE GASPS AND COUGHS

Simon! You saved my life!

Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

You go and get that little witch.

Kids, eh?

# The power of love is a curious thing

# Make one man weep Make another man sing... #

Julie! Wait! Julie, stop!

Julie! Wait! Julie, stop!

Julie!

Bloody stitch!

This is it, Julie, the end of the line, time to give it up.

That's who she reminds me of! Juliet.

Everyone's already got the reference to Shakespeare.

No, Juliet Bravo. Series three, episode four, 'Amateur Night.'

Not now, Terry! Julie!

Go, go, go, go, go! Up!

Oh, my God!

# That's the power of love... #

No! Easy now, Julie.

You don't want to do something you won't live to regret.

Oh, no, that's not right, is it? What I mean to say...

What she's trying to say is, don't jump.

Yes, that's it, don't jump. Sh!

Julie, we can make it work.

If you go to prison, I'll wait. No matter how long.

And I forgive you, for everything.

For destroying my family business, attempted murder.

I love you.

Way to go, mate, play it cool.

No, Ray, you need someone better.

Hey, don't you say that.

You're plenty good enough for him.

I mean, he's hardly the brightest sparkler in the packet, is he?

You run rings around him.

I say don't jump, you'll find someone much better.

Here, hang on... I'm trying to save her life!

You're the only one for me, Julie.

You make my skin crawl, Ray.

Every time we made love, I thought I was going to be sick.

You probably just ate too many doughnuts.

Look, I was going to do this earlier,

but then, you locked me in a flour vat in a bid to kill me.

Er, so...

Oh, look!

Julie Caplan, will you marry me?

THEY GASP AND SCREAM

THUD

Well, at least she didn't say no.

I can't live without her.

Hey, hang on, mate.

She isn't worth topping yourself for.

She tricked you into destroying

everything your families had worked for.

She admitted to all of us that sex with you turned her stomach!

She admitted to all of us that sex with you turned her stomach!

Ray, wait!

Just let me say one more thing.

No.

Julie!

Julie! I love you!

BOTH SCREAM

"Look before you leap" is quite literally the lesson here.

BOTH GROAN Sorry, Julie.

Get off me, Ray...

Ray?

If you still love her... I do.

..you might want to help her get down off that wagon.

Oh, yeah, right.

I knew I could rely on you.

I needed you, and you were there.

Hey, hey. I will be there for all of you.

No matter how long it takes.

Till your head returns to a normal size... Yes.

..Terry and Gemma get their insurance pay-out...

Oh, that, yeah, Gemma said that could take months.

Months?! Er, yeah, that's fine, it can wait.

Although, Gemma also said they might never pay up,

so we'll be together forever.

SHE GIGGLES And ever and ever.

Aw...

Oh. Oh, I've just remembered,

I think... Yeah, I think I left my jacket in your car.

Can I grab your car keys and go and get it?

Of course you can, they're... Yeah, I know where they are.

I was just being polite.

Oh, he's such a gent.

POLICE RADIO CHATTER

As much as I want to thank you for stopping Monica's play,

you are going away for a very, very long time.

And I'll come and visit you every week, in prison.

Can you take me back up to the roof?

I'd like to try again.

Love you, Julie.

MONICA SNIFFLES

Thanks for paying for the taxi.

Simon texted to, erm, to say it's time for his heart to wander,

and he needs my car to do that,

so he'll bring it back when the wander's over.

I can feel a big cry coming on, and maybe some wine.

Well, I never liked him. No.

Why are you even friends?

He's nothing like you.

Your heart doesn't want to wander, does it? Mine? No.

My heart finds what it wants, nestles into a comfy sofa,

My heart finds what it wants, nestles into a comfy sofa,

offers another liquid Riverdance coffee... Ooh.

..if my lady could be tempted by such a thing.

Hey, let's not rub our happiness in Monica's face, eh?

We don't want to make her jealous.

Terry! That's an awful thing to say.

I might be heartbroken, but I could never be jealous

of the happiness you and Gemma share together. Never.

Aww!

Because people like you usually end up all alone for your entire lives.

Because people like you usually end up all alone for your entire lives.

Quite sad, really.

Gemma, could we...? Feed her prawns in her sleep?

Yeah. All right, then.

# Poison

# You're poison running through my veins

# You're poison

# You're poison

# I don't wanna break these chains

# I don't wanna break these chains

# I don't wanna break these chains

# Poison

# I wanna love you but I better not touch... #