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RAINFALL
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00:00:04,220 --> 00:00:05,740
WIND HOWLS
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00:00:05,740 --> 00:00:07,420
BULB FIZZLES
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00:00:13,060 --> 00:00:15,620
CLOCK TICKS
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00:00:15,620 --> 00:00:17,420
ELECTRIC CRACKLING
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00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:41,540
Two households, both alike
in dignity, in fair Lancashire,
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Two households, both alike
in dignity, in fair Lancashire,
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where we lay our scene.
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00:00:43,340 --> 00:00:45,940
From ancient grudge
break to new mutiny.
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Where civil blood makes
civil hands unclean.
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00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:55,900
But soft, what light through
yonder window breaks?
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00:00:55,940 --> 00:00:56,180
But soft, what light through
yonder window breaks?
13
00:00:56,220 --> 00:01:00,540
It is the east,
and Juliet is the sun.
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Romeo, Romeo.
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00:01:04,540 --> 00:01:07,100
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
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It's a load of old crap,
innit, Romeo and Juliet?
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00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:12,780
If I want to watch
a couple of teenagers
18
00:01:12,820 --> 00:01:15,740
have a fallout with their parents,
I'll just watch Hollyoaks. Yeah.
19
00:01:15,740 --> 00:01:18,060
It's really overrated, Shakespeare.
20
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:21,700
They all harp on about him,
but it's hardly Death in Paradise.
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Now, THAT is a hard-hitting drama.
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Deny thy father and refuse thy name.
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IN NORMAL VOICE: Can someone have a
look at this balcony? It's wobbly.
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It had better not wobble
on the night!
25
00:01:33,220 --> 00:01:36,020
Can we find which of the volunteers
built this and sack them?
26
00:01:36,060 --> 00:01:38,420
Is she not a bit old
to be playing Juliet?
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00:01:38,420 --> 00:01:41,140
If she can't see wherefore
art her Romeo is,
28
00:01:41,140 --> 00:01:43,820
she should put distance glasses on.
This is mild.
29
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A few years back, she was Annie.
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'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.
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Sam...
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Sam?
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Sam!
34
00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:06,540
And what does Her Majesty
request this time?
35
00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:08,900
An ice swan in your dressing room?
36
00:02:08,940 --> 00:02:11,420
Sam, I cannot give
a satisfactory Juliet
37
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if I'm offering it from a loose box.
38
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Who could, dear?
MAN SCREAMS
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00:02:17,140 --> 00:02:18,740
HE COUGHS AND RETCHES
40
00:02:18,780 --> 00:02:22,780
Oh, my insides. They're burning.
41
00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:24,460
He's good. Argh!
42
00:02:24,460 --> 00:02:28,220
Urgh! Bernard...
I've been poisoned!
43
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Bernard, your character doesn't die.
Does he?
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Hang on, he's not mucking about.
45
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No, he's inhabiting the character.
46
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You'd have a bigger part
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if you hadn't done such
a bloody awful audition.
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This is amateur dramatics.
Be professional.
49
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:43,380
Ignore her, Bernard,
your audition was fine.
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As was mine! I'd be Romeo
if this talentless idiot's dad
51
00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:47,380
wasn't sponsoring the play.
52
00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:50,060
Right, how can I be talentless, Sam,
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if I get the lead in every play
that my dad sponsors, hmm?
54
00:02:55,780 --> 00:02:57,740
It's all right, everyone,
I'm a nurse.
55
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I can help. Yeah, you're just
playing a nurse, Stacey.
56
00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:02,620
Stop being so method.
You work in a chip shop.
57
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You are brilliant.
58
00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:11,060
HE GROANS
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00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,540
You'd better call an ambulance.
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00:03:12,580 --> 00:03:14,100
HE GROANS
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00:03:14,140 --> 00:03:15,900
I really think he's been poisoned.
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00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:18,380
Everybody, just be calm.
There's no need for drama.
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00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:19,980
HE WHEEZES
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00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:22,780
There's been a murder!
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00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:00,580
MAN GROANS AND GASPS
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00:04:00,580 --> 00:04:04,420
The victim is 52 years old,
male, no known enemies.
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00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:07,300
The poison seems to have caused
some digestive distress,
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00:04:07,340 --> 00:04:09,300
because he's emptied himself, twice.
69
00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:12,300
She's right.
Cleaner's back there in tears.
70
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:15,820
Monica said that two bakeries
provided the backstage food.
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00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:18,180
Looks like one of them
served up poisoned goods.
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00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:21,900
I'm the actual copper here, Gemma.
I say those things, thank you.
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00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:24,500
ENGINE APPROACHES
BRAKES SQUEAL
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00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:33,340
Well, well, well, the day has
finally come, Mr Montgomery,
75
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,460
Well, well, well, the day has
finally come, Mr Montgomery,
76
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that your baking has killed someone!
77
00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:42,500
Don't you DARE accuse me, Caplan!
78
00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:45,420
Must have been
one of your manky brownies.
79
00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:47,580
Montgomery's your poisoner!
80
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:50,100
All right,
let's keep things friendly.
81
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:54,820
Accusations like that will lead to
a very painful end for you, Caplan.
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00:04:54,860 --> 00:04:55,420
Accusations like that will lead to
a very painful end for you, Caplan.
83
00:04:55,460 --> 00:04:57,020
Oh, is that right?
84
00:04:57,020 --> 00:05:00,860
Come on, son,
I will roll you out flat!
85
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,180
Right.
86
00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:05,260
Looks like he's brought a spoon
to a rolling pin fight.
87
00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:10,220
I've got 14 inches
of solid, British elm.
88
00:05:10,260 --> 00:05:10,300
I've got 14 inches
of solid, British elm.
89
00:05:10,340 --> 00:05:12,260
Is that elm?
It looks like ash to me.
90
00:05:12,260 --> 00:05:13,700
Well, it might be ash.
91
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:17,380
There's an Inspector Morse
episode about this. 'Am Dram.'
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00:05:17,420 --> 00:05:19,220
We could be watching it.
93
00:05:19,220 --> 00:05:20,620
What you on about?
94
00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:23,220
You said that I should
learn all I could
95
00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:25,460
about investigative methodology.
Yeah?
96
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,740
So I have. Been watching box sets
while you're at hot yoga.
97
00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:30,940
Go on, I dare you.
Do you want this? Oh, yeah?
98
00:05:30,940 --> 00:05:32,820
Yeah, yeah. Do you? Yeah? Yeah.
99
00:05:32,860 --> 00:05:34,620
Gentlemen, please.
100
00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:38,700
I'm asking you to behave
like calm, rational bakers.
101
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Dad. Dad!
102
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Leave it. He's not worth it.
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Dad, no rolling pins in public.
Come on.
104
00:05:45,020 --> 00:05:47,380
I'm trusting you two
to take your dads home.
105
00:05:47,420 --> 00:05:52,220
If there's an actual crime here,
the police will do what we do best.
106
00:05:52,220 --> 00:05:53,620
We'll...
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..get round to it.
108
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Get round to it?!
109
00:05:57,500 --> 00:06:02,460
Listen, it's quite straightforward -
arrest him and close his bakery.
110
00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:04,460
Oh, hold me back. Hold me back!
111
00:06:04,460 --> 00:06:07,180
Can you smell that?
Yeah. Bullsh...
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No, money.
113
00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,940
Gentlemen, hi, hi, hi.
114
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We might be able to help you
with your little problem.
115
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This might be the time for you
to engage in the services of
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the north's most underrated
investigators. She's right.
117
00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:28,980
We've been rated VERY badly
by a LOT of people.
118
00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:33,020
This sounds like industrial
espionage, and you're in luck,
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00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,580
because that's something
in which we are experts.
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Says so on our website. Does it?
Well, it will do by morning.
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All right, fine.
122
00:06:41,140 --> 00:06:43,460
Meet me at bakery first thing
tomorrow morning,
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00:06:43,460 --> 00:06:45,180
and we'll get to the bottom of...
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SHOUTING: ..how HE done this!
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Oh, hang on a minute!
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If you're working for him,
you'll be biased against me.
127
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I'm not having that.
I'm hiring you, too.
128
00:06:54,660 --> 00:06:57,260
Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
129
00:06:57,300 --> 00:07:00,500
I'm not sure if it's ethical
investigating your own client.
130
00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:04,420
Oh, ethical smethical.
Two cases in one day, Terry!
131
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Jackpot! And if we're really lucky,
132
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this whole thing will
get a lot worse.
133
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Come on.
ENGINES REV
134
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:20,500
And now...
135
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..the games begin.
136
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BOTTLE CLATTERS
137
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WOMEN LAUGH
138
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DOOR OPENS
139
00:07:35,940 --> 00:07:37,940
TERRY: I'm back.
140
00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:40,300
The looks you get when you
haven't got a bag for life.
141
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:42,620
Oh, Terry, your friend's here.
142
00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:43,940
Hiya.
143
00:07:47,860 --> 00:07:49,380
Oh, God, no.
144
00:07:49,420 --> 00:07:52,060
Terry, you never told me
you had such a funny friend.
145
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:54,940
Simon, you are hilarious. He is!
146
00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:57,300
There'll be loads of stuff
he's not told you about, Gemma.
147
00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:59,980
I don't suppose he told you about
the time he lost all his savings
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00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,020
on a pyramid scheme selling
actual pyramids, did he?
149
00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:03,580
THEY LAUGH
150
00:08:03,580 --> 00:08:05,460
That were your scheme.
151
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:09,020
You told me pyramids were
the house shape of the future.
152
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,940
Said I'd be a pharaoh.
153
00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,260
Aww!
THEY LAUGH
154
00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:15,300
Or the time we graduated from
coach-driving school together!
155
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:19,940
On his first day, I put superglue
on the clip of his seat belt.
156
00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:20,300
On his first day, I put superglue
on the clip of his seat belt.
157
00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:22,140
He drove all the way from
Wales to Edinburgh,
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00:08:22,140 --> 00:08:23,900
couldn't get out
to go to the toilet once!
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00:08:23,940 --> 00:08:25,500
Aww!
160
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:28,020
I had to pee in my shoe and
throw it out of the window.
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00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:29,900
THEY LAUGH
162
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:32,580
Sorry, Terry.
Terry's a little bit jealous,
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00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,700
because I'm a bit of
a free spirit, you know?
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00:08:34,740 --> 00:08:36,460
I mean,
I know where I was yesterday,
165
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:39,220
but I don't know where
I'll be tomorrow, you know?
166
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:41,740
When did you get out of prison?
Er, yesterday, yeah.
167
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Prison?
168
00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:45,540
Oh, Simon, what happened?
169
00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:49,660
I...am the victim of identity theft.
170
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:50,020
I...am the victim of identity theft.
171
00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:51,700
Yeah. Yeah.
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00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,220
Someone had been posing as me,
and, well, they'd only gone and
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00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:57,340
not paid my tax for seven years.
Oh! That is awful.
174
00:08:57,380 --> 00:09:01,700
Yes, yeah. Quite a daunting amount
of credit card fraud, as well.
175
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:04,980
But I think most heart-breaking
of all was waiting for
176
00:09:04,980 --> 00:09:08,820
my best mate to show up to act
as a character witness for me,
177
00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:12,340
but, er...he never came, did he,
Terry? No.
178
00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:14,300
Terry!
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00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:18,980
As an actor, I fake many identities,
180
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:21,660
but I only ever use
my powers for good.
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00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:25,660
An actor?! Oh, yes, of course.
182
00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:29,260
Do you know, I sensed a certain
creative essence in the room. I did!
183
00:09:29,260 --> 00:09:30,820
That's a Glade plug-in.
184
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,540
Terry, I'm getting a real
negative vibe from you right now.
185
00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:36,540
Look, I just heard that
your coach had blown up,
186
00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:39,340
and I just wanted to make
sure you were all right.
187
00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:43,980
See, Terry? That's what friends do.
Simon has turned up for you.
188
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:44,340
See, Terry? That's what friends do.
Simon has turned up for you.
189
00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:45,620
Thank you.
190
00:09:45,620 --> 00:09:48,380
So, did you have all your
insurance papers in order?
191
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,780
Let me save you some time.
192
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:52,380
I am skint.
193
00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:55,420
Gemma's skint. Yeah.
We're both skint.
194
00:09:55,460 --> 00:09:58,540
You've had a bit of a wasted
journey. I'm not skint!
195
00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:03,180
I mean, I'm not well off, but, well,
I'd say I'm comfortable.
196
00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:06,660
So, an actor? Oh... Wow!
197
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:09,300
Well, listen, if you are
doing any productions,
198
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,020
you know, I'd love to help out.
199
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:15,020
Gemma, I can feel my wing
taking somebody under it.
200
00:10:15,060 --> 00:10:18,300
THEY LAUGH
201
00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:21,460
See, Terry? Friends.
202
00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:44,540
HAWK SCREECHES
203
00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:46,900
WHIP CRACKS
204
00:10:46,940 --> 00:10:48,220
BULLET RICOCHETS
205
00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:02,940
Right, you take Monty's,
I'll take Caplan's.
206
00:11:02,940 --> 00:11:04,860
This is an in-depth investigation.
207
00:11:04,860 --> 00:11:08,340
What's their security system like?
Who's got access to the products?
208
00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:10,820
Have they upset anyone lately?
Are you ready?
209
00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:15,140
Gemma, I'm investigating a bakery.
210
00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:18,380
I've never been more ready.
211
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,660
Mm!
212
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,500
Oh! Mm!
213
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,780
Yeah. This one's all right, too.
214
00:11:47,820 --> 00:11:51,500
Do you intend to taste
every single product we make?
215
00:11:51,540 --> 00:11:54,060
Monty, a man's in hospital.
216
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:56,660
Possibly because
of eating your food.
217
00:11:56,700 --> 00:12:01,180
I'd have to be an idiot not to want
to check everything personally.
218
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,220
Mm.
219
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,820
This is Gemma Draper.
220
00:12:09,860 --> 00:12:12,860
Interview one with Phillip Caplan,
also known as Cappy,
221
00:12:12,860 --> 00:12:15,100
at the cafe at Caplan's Bakery.
222
00:12:16,380 --> 00:12:18,060
The weather is overcast,
223
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,420
I'm drinking a coffee,
Cappy's got a water.
224
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:24,180
I've got my lucky jumper on.
Cappy's looking confused.
225
00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:26,620
Right, so...
226
00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:32,260
..firstly, Cappy,
do you have any enemies?
227
00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:34,380
Oh, yes.
228
00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:36,220
You met him last night.
229
00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:39,340
Marshall "Monty" Montgomery.
230
00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:44,460
Awful man, owner of an even more
awful bakery, with an idiot son.
231
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:45,380
Awful man, owner of an even more
awful bakery, with an idiot son.
232
00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:50,060
Our families were lifelong rivals.
233
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,660
The feud began 100 years ago,
234
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:55,780
when our great-great-grandfathers
started a war.
235
00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:59,820
They couldn't agree on what goods
each bakery could produce,
236
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:02,740
but as the jams spilt
and the bodies piled up,
237
00:13:02,780 --> 00:13:05,900
it were clear they'd forgotten
the baker's motto.
238
00:13:05,940 --> 00:13:07,900
"Live and let sieve."
239
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:11,300
Until eventually...
they called a truce.
240
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:15,540
So, it was decided that
Montgomery's would do sweets,
241
00:13:15,580 --> 00:13:17,860
and Caplan's would do savouries.
242
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:19,420
Ah. Fine.
243
00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:22,100
But the Caplans have always been
244
00:13:22,140 --> 00:13:25,820
an angry, bitter,
jealous little bunch.
245
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:29,060
Monty seems pretty sure
you're jealous of his success.
246
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,420
Oh, what a load of old horse...
247
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:35,180
Shiitake mushroom and
butternut squash surprise.
248
00:13:35,220 --> 00:13:37,620
That's what kicked it all off again.
249
00:13:37,660 --> 00:13:41,260
Now, I know that, strictly speaking,
it's not a sweet,
250
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:43,540
but I only done 'em for a trial.
251
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:46,020
I tried to tell him,
but he couldn't give a...
252
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:50,060
Focaccia. Yeah.
He were selling focaccia, as well.
253
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,700
Did he tell you that?
That's breaking the rules, that is.
254
00:13:52,740 --> 00:13:54,540
Made me look a right stupid...
255
00:13:54,540 --> 00:13:56,860
Country pie.
256
00:13:56,860 --> 00:13:59,980
If he keeps accusing me
of breaking the rules,
257
00:13:59,980 --> 00:14:03,740
I'll make a country pie that'll
blow him out of the water.
258
00:14:03,780 --> 00:14:07,300
He needs taking down
a peg or two anyway.
259
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:09,500
Puts all sorts in them savouries.
260
00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:13,220
Cheese, peas. It's disgusting.
261
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,740
PHONE RINGS
262
00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:17,420
Excuse me.
263
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:19,260
Hello, Montgomery's.
264
00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:23,580
Oh, no.
265
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:24,940
No!
266
00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:26,980
I think there must be some mist...
267
00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:29,260
VOICE ON LINE: I'll never
use your bakery again!
268
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:31,900
Oh, well,
I'm very sorry about that.
269
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,780
It was unbelievable!
270
00:14:33,820 --> 00:14:37,420
Dad? What's wrong?
271
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:41,660
Apparently, our gingerbread men...
272
00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:44,300
SHOUTING: ..have got pubic hair!
273
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:48,980
Happens.
274
00:14:48,980 --> 00:14:50,660
When they get older.
275
00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:53,380
How could you let this happen, Ray?!
276
00:14:53,420 --> 00:14:55,900
I mean, we're losing money
hand over fist here!
277
00:14:55,940 --> 00:15:00,060
I've just upped the insurance,
the premiums are killing me.
278
00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:02,300
God, you're such an idiot, boy.
279
00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:05,900
According to the grapevine,
280
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:09,460
old Monty's gingerbread men
have just come of age.
281
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,100
Well, if this gets out,
282
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:14,660
there's no way he gets that unit
in the new shopping centre.
283
00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:19,340
Oh, is that going to be
a shopping centre? Gutted.
284
00:15:19,340 --> 00:15:19,980
Oh, is that going to be
a shopping centre? Gutted.
285
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:22,060
I had my fingers crossed
for an IKEA.
286
00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:24,700
Well, they'll only allow one bakery.
287
00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:26,900
And we both put bids in.
288
00:15:26,900 --> 00:15:28,260
Julie!
289
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:31,660
Looks like we're expanding!
290
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:36,740
Dad, that was the Hepburn funeral,
the one we catered for.
291
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:37,100
Dad, that was the Hepburn funeral,
the one we catered for.
292
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:41,580
The Cornish pasties -
they're filled with corn plasters.
293
00:15:41,580 --> 00:15:43,700
What? Eurgh.
294
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:45,780
Noooo!
295
00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:47,100
They want their money back.
296
00:15:47,140 --> 00:15:50,620
I'm sorry, Gemma.
We'll have to continue this later.
297
00:15:50,660 --> 00:15:52,380
Yeah, of course.
298
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:54,300
He wants a war, I'll give him a war.
299
00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:56,380
Calm down, Dad, everything's
going to be all right.
300
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:57,820
You don't understand!
301
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,260
Hello.
302
00:16:16,940 --> 00:16:18,700
Now, what are you doing here?
303
00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:27,740
I hate him so much!
304
00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:29,700
Dad, please! Not again.
305
00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:32,020
HE ROARS
306
00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:35,220
Oh, Monty!
307
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:38,340
So, basically
there's loads of evidence
308
00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:41,460
both accusing and exonerating
both of our main suspects.
309
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,660
I mean, this is classic Bergerac.
310
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:46,100
They both want that new unit
in the shopping centre.
311
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:48,060
One's got insurance
and money worries,
312
00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:50,420
the other's got a security pass
for his rival.
313
00:16:50,420 --> 00:16:52,300
I just wish they'd killed someone.
314
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:54,700
It's always so much easier
with a murder.
315
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:56,540
Well, sadly Bernard's
only in a coma.
316
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:58,700
It's neither one thing
or the other, is it?
317
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:00,980
Bloody selfish is what it is.
318
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,900
Right, Monica's having drinks
with the cast,
319
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:07,620
we'll pop in, see if we can
see any potential suspects.
320
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:12,100
Then, after that, we're doing our
first stakeout.
321
00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:12,180
Then, after that, we're doing our
first stakeout.
322
00:17:12,180 --> 00:17:14,700
Don't you mean, "steak-bake-out"?
323
00:17:14,740 --> 00:17:16,260
No.
324
00:17:25,340 --> 00:17:27,420
BULB FIZZLES
325
00:17:41,740 --> 00:17:44,660
Do we really have to go to this?
326
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:48,260
Yes, Terry!
It's a professional investigation,
327
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:51,740
which, thankfully,
will involve Prosecco.
328
00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:53,180
All right, Simon?
329
00:17:54,780 --> 00:17:56,420
Taking a little breather?
330
00:17:56,420 --> 00:17:59,460
Our Monica's quite a handful,
isn't she? Yeah, yeah.
331
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:03,420
She's got quite a...intense energy
about her, doesn't she?
332
00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:06,220
And her voice, it's quite, erm...
333
00:18:06,260 --> 00:18:07,780
Grating? Yes.
334
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,980
But, you know, in a good way.
335
00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:12,820
You know, it's like
she's relentlessly grating off
336
00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:16,660
the harsh outer shell of my heart,
you know? Aww!
337
00:18:21,420 --> 00:18:23,780
Why don't you just
go and do one, yeah?
338
00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:25,700
You're nowt but a conman
and a thief.
339
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:30,220
I think we need to
clear a few things up.
340
00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:32,620
You could've helped me out,
341
00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:34,740
could've stood up for me in court
when I needed you.
342
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:38,660
But you didn't, and my life was
taken away from me, so you...
343
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:42,020
HE CLICKS TONGUE
..owe me a new life.
344
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:45,660
What? With Monica?
345
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:47,540
You'd be punishing yourself, mate!
346
00:18:47,580 --> 00:18:50,540
Terry, Monica is a lovely person.
347
00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:54,420
And I can see us being very happy
together, in her big house,
348
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:58,020
watching her big telly,
while you keep your big mouth shut.
349
00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:01,180
Well, I'll tell her. And Gemma.
350
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:04,660
I'll tell them the truth about you.
351
00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:06,980
Then you'll be buggered, won't you?
Really?
352
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,700
Uh-huh. Really? Yeah.
353
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:11,260
OK, well, since we're all about
telling the truth,
354
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,540
how do you think Gemma's going to
react when I tell her about what me
355
00:19:14,540 --> 00:19:17,700
and you got up to in Dubrovnik?
356
00:19:21,980 --> 00:19:23,020
No.
357
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,420
I was a different man then.
358
00:19:26,460 --> 00:19:29,020
That's not how Gemma's going
to see it, though, is it?
359
00:19:29,060 --> 00:19:33,060
So, if you just keep schtum,
let me do my thing,
360
00:19:33,060 --> 00:19:35,660
no-one needs to know.
361
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:36,860
All right?
362
00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:41,820
Hey, hey!
363
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:45,380
Hey, hey!
364
00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:48,140
MAN RETCHES VIOLENTLY
365
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,380
MAN: My poor tummy!
366
00:19:52,380 --> 00:19:54,860
What's going on here?
They're all being sick!
367
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,540
Very amateur dramatically.
368
00:19:56,580 --> 00:20:00,860
THEY COUGH AND RETCH
369
00:20:00,860 --> 00:20:02,180
It's a claw!
370
00:20:02,180 --> 00:20:05,260
Birds' claws in all the pasties,
they're poisoning actors.
371
00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:07,540
A curse is on all of our houses.
372
00:20:11,660 --> 00:20:13,780
Bravo, Monica.
373
00:20:13,820 --> 00:20:17,340
Not only have you robbed yourself,
and the audience, might I add,
374
00:20:17,380 --> 00:20:20,340
of my portrayal of Romeo,
you've poisoned the cast, twice.
375
00:20:20,340 --> 00:20:22,500
I'll get my dinner elsewhere,
thank you.
376
00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:25,380
Somewhere that hasn't got
buttholes in the profiteroles.
377
00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:29,660
But I got these from Caplan's!
I didn't ask for the bird claw ones!
378
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:32,220
Do you think that's why
they were on special offer?
379
00:20:32,260 --> 00:20:34,340
Well, Sam's on the list of suspects.
380
00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:38,220
And Stacey's producing
plenty of evidence. Come on.
381
00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:46,220
Do you think we should buy a car?
382
00:20:47,260 --> 00:20:49,500
Who goes on a stakeout
in deck chairs?
383
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:52,500
Shut up
and keep rubbing your hands.
384
00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:55,420
Why am I wearing this?!
To blend in.
385
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:59,340
Gemma, the only way we'd blend in
is in a pool with massive tadpoles.
386
00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:03,860
We're going to sit here all night
and catch the poisoner.
387
00:21:03,860 --> 00:21:03,980
We're going to sit here all night
and catch the poisoner.
388
00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:05,540
Right.
389
00:21:05,540 --> 00:21:07,620
We're needing this, then. Oh.
390
00:21:13,060 --> 00:21:15,500
Here's drink, I drink to thee.
391
00:21:16,660 --> 00:21:18,220
Is that a Shakespeare quote?
392
00:21:18,260 --> 00:21:20,780
Mm. Shakespeare couldn't help
himself writing quotes.
393
00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:22,420
Well, this is just coffee.
394
00:21:22,460 --> 00:21:25,460
Well, coffee with a bit
of an Irish twist to it.
395
00:21:25,460 --> 00:21:26,780
Ooh.
396
00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:31,420
SHE GASPS
Ooh!
397
00:21:32,740 --> 00:21:36,060
Irish? It's liquid bloody
Riverdance, that.
398
00:21:36,060 --> 00:21:38,900
Hoo-ha!
HE CLEARS THROAT
399
00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:43,340
But more importantly,
it'll keep us awake and alert.
400
00:21:43,380 --> 00:21:45,660
Yeah.
401
00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:47,940
HE SNORES
402
00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:02,380
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
403
00:22:02,420 --> 00:22:04,700
You are my special little muffin.
404
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:07,900
Well, you give me the cream horn.
405
00:22:07,940 --> 00:22:12,380
Oh, really? Are you after having
a cinnamon roll with me?
406
00:22:12,420 --> 00:22:13,780
You know it.
407
00:22:19,420 --> 00:22:21,020
I just want us to be together...
408
00:22:22,260 --> 00:22:23,660
..in front of everyone.
409
00:22:23,700 --> 00:22:26,420
Me too, but not with all this
poisonous stuff going on,
410
00:22:26,420 --> 00:22:28,780
it's too soon.
411
00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:32,300
Meanwhile, why don't we...?
412
00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:38,380
Oh, Julie, glaze me!
413
00:22:38,420 --> 00:22:41,420
Glaze me like I've never
been glazed before.
414
00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:44,780
I'll go and make some syrup,
and I want that doughnut to be
415
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:46,220
right there when I get back.
416
00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:53,620
Don't be long, sweet-cheeks!
417
00:22:53,620 --> 00:22:55,180
Miss you already.
418
00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:57,020
Terry! Terry!
HE SNORES
419
00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:03,860
Can we please just have another
coffee, and think about this?
420
00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:04,140
Can we please just have another
coffee, and think about this?
421
00:23:04,140 --> 00:23:05,900
Come on, down here.
MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE
422
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:08,340
Yeah, towards the creepy music.
423
00:23:08,340 --> 00:23:10,700
Always with the towards.
424
00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:29,260
Oh, Terry!
425
00:23:29,300 --> 00:23:31,500
He's got a doughnut.
426
00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:34,460
Well, technically, it's got him.
427
00:23:34,460 --> 00:23:35,540
THUD
428
00:23:37,780 --> 00:23:39,700
What are you doing here?!
429
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:48,540
Oh, now that's just showing off.
430
00:23:48,580 --> 00:23:50,580
Please, you cannot tell my father!
431
00:23:50,620 --> 00:23:53,100
He won't understand.
You don't know what he's like!
432
00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:54,820
DOOR SLAMS
433
00:23:57,180 --> 00:23:59,140
Come on, after him.
434
00:23:59,140 --> 00:24:00,780
Gemma, he's half-cocked!
435
00:24:02,060 --> 00:24:03,740
Where did he go?
436
00:24:03,780 --> 00:24:07,260
Ray? Oh, well, this is great.
437
00:24:07,260 --> 00:24:10,580
We've sat here all night and all
we've uncovered is one naked baker.
438
00:24:12,380 --> 00:24:16,580
Gemma, I saw a man violate
a doughnut tonight.
439
00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:18,940
A doughnut.
I mean, those are sacred.
440
00:24:18,940 --> 00:24:20,700
It's days like this I wonder,
441
00:24:20,740 --> 00:24:23,180
shouldn't we just go back
to running coach trips?
442
00:24:23,180 --> 00:24:27,420
I mean, are we sure about
the investigating? Yes, Terry!
443
00:24:27,420 --> 00:24:30,300
We're sure. We decided, remember?
444
00:24:30,300 --> 00:24:33,540
I remember the decision,
I mean, I were there.
445
00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:37,460
Just...not sure how involved I was
in the making of it.
446
00:24:37,500 --> 00:24:40,340
You said,
"Whatever makes you happy."
447
00:24:40,380 --> 00:24:42,580
Look at me, I'm happy.
448
00:24:42,620 --> 00:24:45,260
It's the best decision
you've ever made.
449
00:24:45,300 --> 00:24:48,340
Come on then, let's go home.
We've blown our cover.
450
00:24:48,340 --> 00:24:50,140
All right.
451
00:24:50,180 --> 00:24:53,580
Just so you know,
I read in Cosmopolitan
452
00:24:53,620 --> 00:24:57,140
that two doughnuts is the size
that the average woman enjoys.
453
00:24:57,140 --> 00:24:58,860
It's three.
454
00:25:20,420 --> 00:25:23,180
CRUNCHING
455
00:25:29,380 --> 00:25:33,540
HE WHISTLES
456
00:25:33,580 --> 00:25:33,820
HE WHISTLES
457
00:25:47,380 --> 00:25:50,020
HE WHISTLES
458
00:25:55,540 --> 00:25:58,300
Terry thinks we're having
an affair, Monica.
459
00:25:58,340 --> 00:26:00,820
I keep telling him
we are just friends.
460
00:26:00,820 --> 00:26:04,220
I mean, do I long for my lips
to dance across hers?
461
00:26:04,260 --> 00:26:06,060
Of course.
462
00:26:06,060 --> 00:26:07,620
I'd be stupid not to.
463
00:26:07,660 --> 00:26:11,060
But, if stupid is what it takes,
then that's what I'll be.
464
00:26:11,060 --> 00:26:15,020
Simon, you'll set my heart racing!
465
00:26:15,060 --> 00:26:17,900
Could you be any more transparent?
Eh?
466
00:26:17,900 --> 00:26:19,660
You heard!
467
00:26:19,660 --> 00:26:23,620
You know, this whole poisoning thing
could be a conspiracy to
468
00:26:23,620 --> 00:26:25,780
stop me doing my amazing play.
469
00:26:25,780 --> 00:26:28,180
Well, it could be me, then.
I mean, it could be Simon.
470
00:26:28,220 --> 00:26:32,220
This poisoning all started
when you showed up. It's Sam!
471
00:26:32,220 --> 00:26:35,020
The little boy who always
wanted to be Romeo,
472
00:26:35,020 --> 00:26:37,020
and doesn't care who he hurts
to get the part.
473
00:26:37,060 --> 00:26:39,220
You're letting this idea
run away with itself.
474
00:26:39,260 --> 00:26:41,620
Probably, yes, but we've got
nothing else to go on.
475
00:26:41,660 --> 00:26:43,580
Gemma, I'd advise caution.
476
00:26:43,580 --> 00:26:46,140
In the amateur dramatic episode
of Hamish Macbeth...
477
00:26:46,180 --> 00:26:48,980
It's bad luck to say Macbeth. Oh.
478
00:26:48,980 --> 00:26:50,980
Oh, never mind that.
479
00:26:50,980 --> 00:26:53,540
Come on, let's go
and search Sam's room.
480
00:26:53,540 --> 00:26:57,140
Er, Gemma, I don't do carrying.
481
00:27:00,780 --> 00:27:04,740
So, shall we go through your lines
in your dressing room, then?
482
00:27:04,780 --> 00:27:07,820
I mean, after all,
that's all we can do.
483
00:27:07,860 --> 00:27:09,740
Anything else would be...
484
00:27:09,780 --> 00:27:11,540
..very, very naughty.
485
00:27:11,540 --> 00:27:13,820
SHE CHUCKLES
You devil!
486
00:27:26,340 --> 00:27:28,260
Terry, stay at the door.
487
00:27:28,260 --> 00:27:31,860
Sam was really angry at the party -
if he gets here and attacks,
488
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:34,220
I want you as a buffer
between him and me.
489
00:27:34,220 --> 00:27:36,580
Is that all I am, a buffer?
490
00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:39,660
Terry, you're a lot of things to me,
491
00:27:39,660 --> 00:27:43,020
and...yeah, yeah,
in this case, you're a buffer.
492
00:27:54,100 --> 00:27:57,580
Oh, that's pretty.
493
00:28:03,340 --> 00:28:04,860
Ah!
494
00:28:11,460 --> 00:28:14,060
TOILET FLUSHES
495
00:28:14,100 --> 00:28:15,860
What's going on?
496
00:28:15,860 --> 00:28:18,500
Oh, I think you know!
497
00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:22,780
Corn plasters, pubic hairs?
That's what's going on.
498
00:28:22,780 --> 00:28:23,660
Corn plasters, pubic hairs?
That's what's going on.
499
00:28:23,700 --> 00:28:26,660
How did you get that many?
Must have took you years.
500
00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:28,740
I bet you're smooth as butter
down there.
501
00:28:28,780 --> 00:28:30,660
You can't pin those pubes on me.
502
00:28:30,660 --> 00:28:33,020
Your poisoning days are over, Sam.
503
00:28:33,060 --> 00:28:35,460
You tried to take down two bakeries.
504
00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:38,260
TWO bakeries!
505
00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:39,940
Who hurt you?
506
00:28:39,980 --> 00:28:42,380
Are you mad? Why would I want
to poison baked goods?
507
00:28:42,420 --> 00:28:45,420
Revenge, for not getting
a part in the play.
508
00:28:45,460 --> 00:28:48,260
You've got delusions of grandeur.
509
00:28:48,300 --> 00:28:52,460
That, coupled with psychotic
cooking tendencies,
510
00:28:52,460 --> 00:28:55,860
you might as well
be Gordon Ramsay himself.
511
00:28:55,900 --> 00:28:58,460
Oh, my God, I'm good at this.
Nailed it!
512
00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:01,700
CAPPY: Get out of my way.
I said out of my way!
513
00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:05,820
Where is that blithering idiot Ray?
My Julie has gone missing!
514
00:29:05,860 --> 00:29:05,860
Where is that blithering idiot Ray?
My Julie has gone missing!
515
00:29:05,900 --> 00:29:07,700
She weren't in work today,
516
00:29:07,740 --> 00:29:10,860
but I found this photo
in her bedroom of her
517
00:29:10,860 --> 00:29:14,620
and that son of a baker. Look!
518
00:29:14,660 --> 00:29:16,100
Oh, Jesus Christ.
519
00:29:16,140 --> 00:29:18,700
Dear God, they're using
an eclair this time.
520
00:29:18,700 --> 00:29:20,940
That's not even my bag.
Terry, buffer!
521
00:29:20,940 --> 00:29:23,580
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, give over, look.
522
00:29:23,620 --> 00:29:25,980
It's Ray's bag, you idiots.
523
00:29:26,020 --> 00:29:29,100
Look, it's got his name in it. Oh.
524
00:29:29,140 --> 00:29:30,500
What?
525
00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:32,820
Ray is our saboteur!
526
00:29:32,860 --> 00:29:35,180
He's ruining his own dad's business?
527
00:29:35,180 --> 00:29:38,820
He hates working in that bakery.
His dad treats him like dirt.
528
00:29:38,820 --> 00:29:40,340
Everyone knows that.
529
00:29:40,340 --> 00:29:42,700
Everybody knows that.
530
00:29:42,740 --> 00:29:45,220
They do this on Lovejoy quite a lot.
Yeah?
531
00:29:45,260 --> 00:29:47,060
The son destroys the father.
532
00:29:47,100 --> 00:29:49,700
I mean, it must lead to a lot of
awkward Christmas dinners,
533
00:29:49,740 --> 00:29:51,980
but, like,
they don't really talk about it,
534
00:29:51,980 --> 00:29:53,700
cos it's not plot-driven or...
535
00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:56,340
Where does my Julie fit in
with all this?
536
00:29:58,180 --> 00:30:01,940
Aah, because both you and
Monty forbid their love.
537
00:30:01,940 --> 00:30:04,700
God, it's so romantic.
538
00:30:04,740 --> 00:30:09,140
It's like Shakespeare...but with
bakers.
539
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:11,060
Don't you mean, "BAKEspeare"?
540
00:30:15,340 --> 00:30:19,620
He's ruining the bakeries
so they can both be free.
541
00:30:19,660 --> 00:30:19,860
He's ruining the bakeries
so they can both be free.
542
00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:22,100
Don't worry, we'll find him,
543
00:30:22,140 --> 00:30:25,420
and I have a good idea
where to start looking.
544
00:30:31,420 --> 00:30:33,540
Quick, come on.
545
00:30:33,540 --> 00:30:35,900
I've got a stitch!
546
00:30:35,900 --> 00:30:38,100
I know exactly where he is.
547
00:30:38,100 --> 00:30:40,300
MUFFLED SHOUTING:
Argh, let me out, please!
548
00:30:40,300 --> 00:30:42,940
ALARM BUZZES
Down there, that flour thingy.
549
00:30:42,940 --> 00:30:44,980
He must have climbed in
and got stuck.
550
00:30:45,020 --> 00:30:48,300
Yeah, like some sort of weird
sexual flour fetish thing.
551
00:30:48,340 --> 00:30:50,780
Well, I was thinking more like
when he was cleaning it,
552
00:30:50,780 --> 00:30:52,500
but your theory sounds
far more likely.
553
00:30:52,540 --> 00:30:56,220
Help me! Help!
THUMPING AND CLATTERING
554
00:30:56,260 --> 00:30:59,300
Help me! Oh, no!
555
00:30:59,300 --> 00:31:01,500
Someone let me out, please!
556
00:31:01,540 --> 00:31:03,260
Help me! Get me out, please!
557
00:31:04,340 --> 00:31:06,900
Oh! The door, open the door!
558
00:31:06,900 --> 00:31:10,940
It says not to open it!
I'm about to drown in flour!
559
00:31:10,980 --> 00:31:12,660
The wheel, use the wheel!
560
00:31:12,700 --> 00:31:13,700
Terry, the wheel!
561
00:31:15,260 --> 00:31:16,820
Go, go!
562
00:31:16,860 --> 00:31:19,140
LOCK CLICKS AND GRINDS
563
00:31:19,180 --> 00:31:21,940
Argh! Oh, let me out, please!
564
00:31:21,980 --> 00:31:23,700
No!
565
00:31:23,700 --> 00:31:25,060
Argh!
566
00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:33,380
We found your packet of pubes, Ray.
567
00:31:33,380 --> 00:31:36,220
We know you're the culprit.
It wasn't me!
568
00:31:36,220 --> 00:31:39,260
Pubes don't lie, Ray.
Pubes don't lie.
569
00:31:39,300 --> 00:31:43,100
I was just doing what I was told!
Told? By who?
570
00:32:04,540 --> 00:32:05,660
Julie?!
571
00:32:05,700 --> 00:32:07,380
She said if I let her
poison the food here,
572
00:32:07,420 --> 00:32:09,060
she'd do the same at
her dad's place,
573
00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:11,540
and then, we could open up our
own bakery in the shopping centre
574
00:32:11,580 --> 00:32:12,860
and, like, run it together.
575
00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:14,540
But I told her
she was going too far.
576
00:32:14,540 --> 00:32:16,300
So, she threw you in the flour vat?
577
00:32:16,340 --> 00:32:18,100
No, she told me there
was a fiver in here.
578
00:32:18,140 --> 00:32:20,660
I went after it and she locked it,
and started filling it.
579
00:32:20,700 --> 00:32:23,100
How did she think she'd
get away with killing you?
580
00:32:23,140 --> 00:32:25,300
I'm always getting stuck in here.
Cleaning it?
581
00:32:25,340 --> 00:32:27,220
No, I, I like the way
it feels on my...
582
00:32:29,340 --> 00:32:31,100
Yeah, yeah, yeah, cleaning it.
583
00:32:31,140 --> 00:32:32,540
Told you. Yeah.
584
00:32:34,380 --> 00:32:36,060
She's spiked the flapjacks
with prawns.
585
00:32:36,060 --> 00:32:37,380
We've got to stop her.
586
00:32:37,420 --> 00:32:42,180
Prawns? Monica, she's allergic
to shellfish, she could die!
587
00:32:42,180 --> 00:32:42,740
Prawns? Monica, she's allergic
to shellfish, she could die!
588
00:32:42,740 --> 00:32:45,060
I've got the bakery van. Let's go.
589
00:32:45,100 --> 00:32:46,900
It's all right, I'll drive.
590
00:32:46,940 --> 00:32:49,140
I used to be a skilled
professional driver.
591
00:32:52,100 --> 00:32:54,740
If you don't count
all the points on my licence.
592
00:32:57,380 --> 00:32:58,940
Go, go, go, go.
593
00:32:58,980 --> 00:33:01,300
# Get your motor running
594
00:33:01,340 --> 00:33:03,060
# Head out on the highway
595
00:33:04,260 --> 00:33:07,860
# Looking for adventure
596
00:33:07,900 --> 00:33:09,740
# And whatever comes our way
597
00:33:11,420 --> 00:33:12,460
BELL RINGS
598
00:33:12,500 --> 00:33:14,740
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise
for the use of an understudy
599
00:33:14,780 --> 00:33:15,860
in part one.
600
00:33:15,900 --> 00:33:18,140
We also apologise for the quality
of his performance.
601
00:33:18,180 --> 00:33:21,380
Thanks for stepping in to cover
for Ray, wherever he is.
602
00:33:21,420 --> 00:33:22,740
Hey, not a problem.
603
00:33:22,740 --> 00:33:24,940
I didn't expect them
to laugh so much.
604
00:33:24,940 --> 00:33:27,260
Oh, they weren't laughing AT you,
they were laughing towards you.
605
00:33:27,300 --> 00:33:29,020
I get that a lot, as an actor.
606
00:33:29,060 --> 00:33:32,260
Audiences just love to fling
their joy all over me.
607
00:33:32,260 --> 00:33:36,260
You're doing a great job.
Why, thank you, my Juliet.
608
00:33:36,300 --> 00:33:38,820
And, may I dare say, new landlady?
609
00:33:38,860 --> 00:33:40,180
SHE GIGGLES
610
00:33:40,220 --> 00:33:44,580
That is, of course, providing
I do manage to...land the lady.
611
00:33:46,980 --> 00:33:48,620
No, we mustn't, we mustn't.
612
00:33:49,980 --> 00:33:51,700
Oh, my hero.
613
00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:55,780
# ..but I'd better not touch
Don't touch
614
00:33:55,820 --> 00:33:59,860
# I wanna hold you
But my senses tell me to stop
615
00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:03,980
# I wanna kiss you
But I want it too much... #
616
00:34:04,020 --> 00:34:05,460
Can this not go any faster?
617
00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:10,220
Look, she's built for comfort,
not speed. Bit like me.
618
00:34:10,260 --> 00:34:12,460
And him.
HE CHUCKLES
619
00:34:12,460 --> 00:34:13,660
What?
620
00:34:13,700 --> 00:34:15,300
# ..poison running through my veins
621
00:34:15,340 --> 00:34:19,020
# You're poison... #
622
00:34:19,020 --> 00:34:21,340
Two minutes till we're back on,
Monica.
623
00:34:21,380 --> 00:34:24,180
# I don't wanna break these chains
624
00:34:24,180 --> 00:34:27,220
# I hear you callin'
And it's needles and pins
625
00:34:27,220 --> 00:34:31,900
# I wanna hurt you
Just to hear you screaming my name
626
00:34:31,900 --> 00:34:32,140
# I wanna hurt you
Just to hear you screaming my name
627
00:34:32,180 --> 00:34:36,420
# Don't wanna touch you
But you're under my skin
628
00:34:36,460 --> 00:34:40,180
# I wanna kiss you
But your lips are venomous... #
629
00:34:40,220 --> 00:34:43,260
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
630
00:34:43,300 --> 00:34:44,900
SCREAMING: Stop the play!
631
00:34:44,940 --> 00:34:46,740
MAN: Finally, about bloody time.
632
00:34:46,780 --> 00:34:50,340
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
633
00:34:50,380 --> 00:34:52,420
Oh, Monica,
thank God you're all right.
634
00:34:52,460 --> 00:34:54,460
Of course I am!
I mean, I'm sweating a bit,
635
00:34:54,460 --> 00:34:56,380
but I think the lights are just hot.
636
00:34:56,380 --> 00:34:59,620
Where's Julie Caplan? Sam, lights!
637
00:35:03,780 --> 00:35:05,220
Hey.
638
00:35:05,260 --> 00:35:08,020
Julie. We've just found Ray.
639
00:35:08,060 --> 00:35:10,220
Drowning in flour.
640
00:35:10,220 --> 00:35:12,300
Wanna bet the police won't
find your fingerprints
641
00:35:12,300 --> 00:35:14,660
on the handle of the flour vat?
642
00:35:14,700 --> 00:35:17,780
Or on this security pass
for Monty's?
643
00:35:17,780 --> 00:35:22,100
We've got you, Julie.
Your poisoning days are over.
644
00:35:22,140 --> 00:35:22,180
We've got you, Julie.
Your poisoning days are over.
645
00:35:23,940 --> 00:35:26,540
Oh, you think you're so clever,
don't you, Gemma?
646
00:35:26,540 --> 00:35:28,500
I knew it as soon
as I laid eyes on you.
647
00:35:28,540 --> 00:35:30,300
I get by.
648
00:35:30,340 --> 00:35:33,540
She's level-two Sudoku, actually.
649
00:35:33,580 --> 00:35:37,140
Julie? You did this?!
650
00:35:38,260 --> 00:35:40,700
You don't want the bakery
when I'm gone?
651
00:35:42,540 --> 00:35:45,900
My yeast will become your yeast!
652
00:35:45,900 --> 00:35:48,500
She wants a fresh start
in the shopping centre.
653
00:35:48,540 --> 00:35:52,940
She wants recognition, adoration,
free on-site parking.
654
00:35:52,940 --> 00:35:54,140
She wants recognition, adoration,
free on-site parking.
655
00:35:54,140 --> 00:35:55,900
He's right, Dad.
656
00:35:55,940 --> 00:35:59,020
I don't want to waste my whole life
staring across at my enemy.
657
00:35:59,060 --> 00:36:02,580
Oh, no! I'm going to be
looking at my own bright future,
658
00:36:02,580 --> 00:36:04,060
not your dull past.
659
00:36:04,060 --> 00:36:08,300
I'm going to be staring across
at a cobbler that also cuts keys.
660
00:36:08,300 --> 00:36:08,660
I'm going to be staring across
at a cobbler that also cuts keys.
661
00:36:08,660 --> 00:36:11,340
SHE CROAKS AND WHEEZES
662
00:36:12,660 --> 00:36:14,420
AUDIENCE GASP
663
00:36:14,420 --> 00:36:16,380
MAN: Is she OK? Oh, my God!
664
00:36:19,300 --> 00:36:20,820
Oh... Oh, oh, oh!
665
00:36:20,860 --> 00:36:23,020
She's all swelled-up!
666
00:36:23,060 --> 00:36:26,660
SHE COUGHS
I ate the flapjack.
667
00:36:26,660 --> 00:36:29,260
Has anyone got an EpiPen?
Oh, Stacey has!
668
00:36:29,300 --> 00:36:31,340
I went through her bag earlier.
Hi, Stace.
669
00:36:31,380 --> 00:36:35,300
Is it bad? Because I always
wanted to have lip-fillers.
670
00:36:35,300 --> 00:36:37,940
Does it suit me? Yeah!
671
00:36:37,980 --> 00:36:40,780
Yeah, they do.
Oh, you're a good sister, Gemma.
672
00:36:40,820 --> 00:36:44,780
And maybe now,
you'll be the favourite.
673
00:36:44,820 --> 00:36:46,700
You were never the favourite.
674
00:36:46,740 --> 00:36:48,420
Mum always said we were equal.
675
00:36:48,460 --> 00:36:51,940
She only said that when
you were there. Mm.
676
00:36:51,980 --> 00:36:56,500
When you were gone,
she said it was...it was me.
677
00:36:56,500 --> 00:36:56,700
When you were gone,
she said it was...it was me.
678
00:36:56,740 --> 00:36:59,020
Oh, no, no... No, no!
679
00:36:59,060 --> 00:37:00,380
No! Shift!
680
00:37:08,220 --> 00:37:10,260
SHE GASPS AND COUGHS
681
00:37:10,300 --> 00:37:13,460
Simon! You saved my life!
682
00:37:13,500 --> 00:37:16,340
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
683
00:37:16,340 --> 00:37:18,540
You go and get that little witch.
684
00:37:30,580 --> 00:37:31,740
Kids, eh?
685
00:37:31,780 --> 00:37:34,820
# The power of love
is a curious thing
686
00:37:34,860 --> 00:37:38,340
# Make one man weep
Make another man sing... #
687
00:37:38,380 --> 00:37:42,620
Julie! Wait! Julie, stop!
688
00:37:42,660 --> 00:37:43,500
Julie! Wait! Julie, stop!
689
00:37:45,020 --> 00:37:46,180
Julie!
690
00:37:47,780 --> 00:37:49,140
Bloody stitch!
691
00:37:56,700 --> 00:38:00,340
This is it, Julie, the end of
the line, time to give it up.
692
00:38:00,380 --> 00:38:03,100
That's who she reminds me of!
Juliet.
693
00:38:03,140 --> 00:38:05,580
Everyone's already got
the reference to Shakespeare.
694
00:38:05,580 --> 00:38:09,300
No, Juliet Bravo. Series three,
episode four, 'Amateur Night.'
695
00:38:09,340 --> 00:38:11,660
Not now, Terry! Julie!
696
00:38:15,940 --> 00:38:18,460
Go, go, go, go, go! Up!
697
00:38:18,460 --> 00:38:19,980
Oh, my God!
698
00:38:20,020 --> 00:38:22,180
# That's the power of love... #
699
00:38:24,620 --> 00:38:26,740
No! Easy now, Julie.
700
00:38:26,740 --> 00:38:28,900
You don't want to do something
you won't live to regret.
701
00:38:28,900 --> 00:38:31,140
Oh, no, that's not right, is it?
What I mean to say...
702
00:38:31,180 --> 00:38:33,180
What she's trying to say is,
don't jump.
703
00:38:33,180 --> 00:38:35,580
Yes, that's it, don't jump. Sh!
704
00:38:35,620 --> 00:38:38,340
Julie, we can make it work.
705
00:38:38,340 --> 00:38:41,900
If you go to prison, I'll wait.
No matter how long.
706
00:38:41,900 --> 00:38:45,020
And I forgive you, for everything.
707
00:38:45,060 --> 00:38:48,820
For destroying my family business,
attempted murder.
708
00:38:48,860 --> 00:38:50,020
I love you.
709
00:38:50,060 --> 00:38:51,820
Way to go, mate, play it cool.
710
00:38:51,820 --> 00:38:53,700
No, Ray, you need someone better.
711
00:38:53,740 --> 00:38:56,860
Hey, don't you say that.
712
00:38:56,900 --> 00:38:59,580
You're plenty good enough for him.
713
00:38:59,580 --> 00:39:02,180
I mean, he's hardly the brightest
sparkler in the packet, is he?
714
00:39:02,220 --> 00:39:03,900
You run rings around him.
715
00:39:03,940 --> 00:39:08,540
I say don't jump,
you'll find someone much better.
716
00:39:08,580 --> 00:39:11,940
Here, hang on...
I'm trying to save her life!
717
00:39:11,940 --> 00:39:14,180
You're the only one for me, Julie.
718
00:39:15,660 --> 00:39:17,660
You make my skin crawl, Ray.
719
00:39:17,660 --> 00:39:20,500
Every time we made love,
I thought I was going to be sick.
720
00:39:20,540 --> 00:39:23,540
You probably just ate
too many doughnuts.
721
00:39:23,540 --> 00:39:25,340
Look, I was going
to do this earlier,
722
00:39:25,340 --> 00:39:28,140
but then, you locked me in
a flour vat in a bid to kill me.
723
00:39:28,180 --> 00:39:29,780
Er, so...
724
00:39:29,820 --> 00:39:32,100
Oh, look!
725
00:39:32,100 --> 00:39:35,500
Julie Caplan, will you marry me?
726
00:39:46,100 --> 00:39:47,900
THEY GASP AND SCREAM
727
00:39:47,940 --> 00:39:49,260
THUD
728
00:39:52,420 --> 00:39:54,660
Well, at least she didn't say no.
729
00:39:54,660 --> 00:39:55,900
I can't live without her.
730
00:39:57,860 --> 00:40:00,260
Hey, hang on, mate.
731
00:40:00,300 --> 00:40:02,660
She isn't worth
topping yourself for.
732
00:40:02,700 --> 00:40:04,580
She tricked you into destroying
733
00:40:04,620 --> 00:40:07,220
everything your families
had worked for.
734
00:40:07,220 --> 00:40:12,340
She admitted to all of us that
sex with you turned her stomach!
735
00:40:12,380 --> 00:40:13,060
She admitted to all of us that
sex with you turned her stomach!
736
00:40:14,940 --> 00:40:17,100
Ray, wait!
737
00:40:17,140 --> 00:40:19,380
Just let me say one more thing.
738
00:40:19,420 --> 00:40:20,500
No.
739
00:40:21,540 --> 00:40:22,740
Julie!
740
00:40:22,740 --> 00:40:25,620
Julie! I love you!
741
00:40:25,620 --> 00:40:27,700
BOTH SCREAM
742
00:40:40,660 --> 00:40:43,540
"Look before you leap" is quite
literally the lesson here.
743
00:40:47,300 --> 00:40:50,340
BOTH GROAN
Sorry, Julie.
744
00:40:52,980 --> 00:40:55,260
Get off me, Ray...
745
00:40:57,220 --> 00:40:58,300
Ray?
746
00:41:00,540 --> 00:41:02,780
If you still love her...
I do.
747
00:41:02,780 --> 00:41:05,300
..you might want to help her
get down off that wagon.
748
00:41:05,300 --> 00:41:06,860
Oh, yeah, right.
749
00:41:08,140 --> 00:41:10,340
I knew I could rely on you.
750
00:41:10,340 --> 00:41:12,900
I needed you, and you were there.
751
00:41:12,940 --> 00:41:16,540
Hey, hey.
I will be there for all of you.
752
00:41:16,580 --> 00:41:18,820
No matter how long it takes.
753
00:41:18,820 --> 00:41:22,020
Till your head returns to
a normal size... Yes.
754
00:41:22,020 --> 00:41:24,060
..Terry and Gemma get their
insurance pay-out...
755
00:41:24,100 --> 00:41:26,140
Oh, that, yeah, Gemma said
that could take months.
756
00:41:26,180 --> 00:41:30,140
Months?!
Er, yeah, that's fine, it can wait.
757
00:41:30,140 --> 00:41:33,340
Although, Gemma also said
they might never pay up,
758
00:41:33,380 --> 00:41:36,820
so we'll be together forever.
759
00:41:36,820 --> 00:41:39,420
SHE GIGGLES
And ever and ever.
760
00:41:39,460 --> 00:41:41,580
Aw...
761
00:41:41,620 --> 00:41:44,420
Oh. Oh, I've just remembered,
762
00:41:44,420 --> 00:41:47,140
I think... Yeah, I think I left
my jacket in your car.
763
00:41:47,140 --> 00:41:49,100
Can I grab your car keys
and go and get it?
764
00:41:49,100 --> 00:41:51,260
Of course you can, they're...
Yeah, I know where they are.
765
00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:52,460
I was just being polite.
766
00:41:54,300 --> 00:41:55,860
Oh, he's such a gent.
767
00:41:57,980 --> 00:42:00,180
POLICE RADIO CHATTER
768
00:42:08,300 --> 00:42:11,900
As much as I want to thank you
for stopping Monica's play,
769
00:42:11,940 --> 00:42:15,620
you are going away
for a very, very long time.
770
00:42:15,660 --> 00:42:18,500
And I'll come and visit you
every week, in prison.
771
00:42:18,540 --> 00:42:20,660
Can you take me back up to the roof?
772
00:42:20,660 --> 00:42:22,340
I'd like to try again.
773
00:42:25,980 --> 00:42:27,420
Love you, Julie.
774
00:42:40,020 --> 00:42:42,820
MONICA SNIFFLES
775
00:42:42,860 --> 00:42:45,900
Thanks for paying for the taxi.
776
00:42:45,900 --> 00:42:49,940
Simon texted to, erm, to say
it's time for his heart to wander,
777
00:42:49,980 --> 00:42:52,460
and he needs my car to do that,
778
00:42:52,460 --> 00:42:56,180
so he'll bring it back
when the wander's over.
779
00:42:56,220 --> 00:42:59,620
I can feel a big cry coming on,
and maybe some wine.
780
00:42:59,620 --> 00:43:02,340
Well, I never liked him. No.
781
00:43:02,380 --> 00:43:04,740
Why are you even friends?
782
00:43:06,180 --> 00:43:07,940
He's nothing like you.
783
00:43:07,980 --> 00:43:12,420
Your heart doesn't want to wander,
does it? Mine? No.
784
00:43:12,460 --> 00:43:16,940
My heart finds what it wants,
nestles into a comfy sofa,
785
00:43:16,940 --> 00:43:17,900
My heart finds what it wants,
nestles into a comfy sofa,
786
00:43:17,940 --> 00:43:21,460
offers another liquid
Riverdance coffee... Ooh.
787
00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:24,740
..if my lady could be
tempted by such a thing.
788
00:43:24,740 --> 00:43:28,580
Hey, let's not rub our happiness
in Monica's face, eh?
789
00:43:28,620 --> 00:43:30,660
We don't want to make her jealous.
790
00:43:30,700 --> 00:43:34,260
Terry!
That's an awful thing to say.
791
00:43:34,300 --> 00:43:38,100
I might be heartbroken,
but I could never be jealous
792
00:43:38,140 --> 00:43:41,180
of the happiness you and Gemma
share together. Never.
793
00:43:41,220 --> 00:43:42,500
Aww!
794
00:43:42,500 --> 00:43:46,660
Because people like you usually end
up all alone for your entire lives.
795
00:43:46,700 --> 00:43:47,220
Because people like you usually end
up all alone for your entire lives.
796
00:43:47,220 --> 00:43:48,500
Quite sad, really.
797
00:43:53,860 --> 00:43:56,700
Gemma, could we...?
Feed her prawns in her sleep?
798
00:43:56,740 --> 00:43:59,140
Yeah. All right, then.
799
00:44:01,940 --> 00:44:05,220
# Poison
800
00:44:05,260 --> 00:44:09,140
# You're poison running
through my veins
801
00:44:09,180 --> 00:44:13,300
# You're poison
802
00:44:13,340 --> 00:44:13,420
# You're poison
803
00:44:13,460 --> 00:44:16,580
# I don't wanna break these chains
804
00:44:16,620 --> 00:44:16,780
# I don't wanna break these chains
805
00:44:16,780 --> 00:44:17,820
# I don't wanna break these chains
806
00:44:17,820 --> 00:44:21,780
# Poison
807
00:44:21,820 --> 00:44:24,940
# I wanna love you
but I better not touch... #
61072
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